Based on characters from the Twilight© by Stephanie Meyers. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No copyright infringement is intended.

53 FAITH IN FORGIVENESS

Though I dreaded it, I knew I had to go back home. Going home would be heaven, it was the look in Carlisle's eyes that I dreaded. He would know what I had done, even if he didn't know the extent, the scale of my indulgence. I had no doubt that he would forgive me. He would take me back; he was my father and my teacher. I knew his love could heal me and make me whole again. I needed his healing. I needed his forgiveness. I hated that what I had been doing hurt him. I needed his belief that I could be better than I was. I had to atone for what I had done, and I had to try to be what Carlisle knew I could be, even if it took me the rest of forever.

Ah! I made my choice.

After that moment, I fought against the beast, destroyer of my good and best thoughts. I raged against the monster that had stolen me from my family and I took back my second life.

I knew Esme would be happy to see me and she would forgive me, too. I needed her love and forgiveness also. I thought of her caring tenderness and I felt an aching need for her motherly love. I wondered how much of an idiot I must have been to consider leaving home in the first place. I remembered the obsession's overconfidence, my raw innocence and dreadful secret as I left home that night and shivered.

I took the only solace I could from my horrible deeds, the knowledge that I saved more lives than I took, but I was certain that I would never be inclined to do it again.

Once I made up my mind to go home I couldn't wait. I left that very minute. I left everything in my hideaway behind, money, my extra clothes and even the little mementos of the 'rescued'. The cash I had left in my pocket I placed in the poor box at the first church I came too. I didn't want any reminders of how wretched I had become. My memories were going to be bad enough to cope with. I ran away from the city as the monster screamed from behind the renewed force of my will.

I fervently hoped that my black eyes wouldn't retain much crimson by the time I got home. On the way I fed on deer and elk, the gentle creatures. Although I was ravenous I ignored the predators. I had somehow forgotten how much of a sacrifice drinking animal blood was, but I knew that this was part of my atonement. I also knew it didn't matter what I did, the thirst would always burn. At least this way I could face myself and I would have my family.

I timed my arrival to coincide with Carlisle's arrival home from work at dawn. I could hear Esme contentedly working on a new design knowing Carlisle would be home soon but still busy in her upstairs office. Her thoughts were achingly sweet to my troubled mind but I really wanted to hear Carlisle. I approached the house from the downwind side. I was also out of his view from either the road or driveway.

I wanted to see Carlisle first. I needed to 'hear' my father's reaction to my coming home. Though I had been unintentionally starving myself for weeks before feeding on animals on my way home, he would immediately know that I had human blood in me. It would take more than a few antelope to flush the inexcusable lingering taint from my body. I was hoping that my dark amber eyes and repentant attitude would be the peace offering I needed to get into his good graces again.

I wouldn't really get a true gauge of Carlisle's feelings about me returning home if Esme's inevitable loving outburst bombarded us. Esme would be all emotion and it would flavor Carlisle's feelings, but I could and would use it, if I had to, to get what I wanted – Carlisle's forgiveness.

I stood in the lee of the house drinking in his thoughts. He was driving home in his car so his approach was slow. I was torn between impatiently wanting him to arrive quickly and my long anticipated enjoyment of being able to just listen to my father's mind, soaking up his serenity, gentleness, and his simple pleasure at arriving home.

I watched through his eyes as he parked the car and headed toward the house. As Carlisle approached the front door I moved around to the side of the house. When he opened the front door I stepped into the wind. He froze in place as my scent hit him. He knew it was mine but he was confused by the mixed-up odor. Thinking I was just passing through again, he took a deep breath to gather in more of my scent to analyze it. Quickly he realized my scent was too familiar, only hinting at the appalling odor of human blood. His thoughts went from a gloomy routine recognition of my 'passing hello-goodbye' to a leap of joy at the hope I was coming home.

Edward? His thought called to me and then he sensed my presence. Turning his face into the wind I took another step into his line of sight.

Edward! He was shocked and surprised but delighted. His face like his mind was suddenly radiant with joy.

"Hi Dad," I said meekly standing still at the corner of the house and felt my own joy at how pleased he was to see me. I then realized I had only hoped he would forgive me, now it seemed he would have even if I had shown up with my irises blood-red. I couldn't abide that thought though, that was something I never wanted him to see, ever.

"Edward," he said aloud and I savored the sound of his voice. Good to see you son, he smiled noticing my dark amber eyes but before he could move toward me, we heard Esme's reaction.

"Edward?" Esme's startled yell echoed in the house a scant moment after she heard Carlisle say my name. She though she only imagined my voice seconds earlier.

Carlisle turned toward her voice pulling the front door open wide then he turned back toward me, a huge smile on his face.

She was already running from her office, leaping down the stairs not touching one of them.

I watched Esme's progress toward me through her eyes, her leap down the stairs and her excitement as she saw Carlisle standing at the open door staring out. She caught my reflection in his eyes. Her emotions went wild as she knew it was really me not just my fleeing ghost.

"Edward!" she called elated as she passed Carlisle and turned the corner at an unbelievable speed and crashed into me just as he arrived next to me. I anticipated her high speed collision so I held out my arms and rocked back as she smacked into me. Carlisle grabbed my outstretched arm and steadied us.

She hugged me so forcefully my skin began to squeal. It had been so long since I had physically felt anything not related to my thirst that the ripping pain was truly exquisite.