A/N: I'm at our house in the countryside, and our internet connection isn't working. But, I've a treat for you when you had to wait this long for a chapter - this one is really long!
It hasn't been read by my fabulous Beta, so every mistake is mine.
Hope you enjoy it.


Sarah woke Blaine on Monday morning. He took a shower, ate breakfast and got ready to meet with Hannah. She smiled at him as she entered the room and told Sarah to wait outside.

"Hi Blaine! How was your weekend?"

"It was okay. Two nights without nightmares! How was yours?"

"Mine was fine! I've heard about the no-nightmare-nights! Have you anything you want to speak about today?"

"Yes! I have!" Blaine said. Quite proud that he had something to talk about, but in the same time he didn't know if he really wanted to rummage in the past.

"Good, shoot!" Hannah encouraged him.

"Well. I think I need to speak about my mom?" He said with a question.

"Okay, tell me about her."

"Ummh… Right. I might be sad though."

"It's okay to be sad or to cry Blaine."

"Okay. My mom… She got me when she was really young. She had just turned 18. They weren't a couple, my mom and father. They had sex while being drunk. It was the first time they met at that party. My mum kept on drinking and smoking during all through the pregnancy, so I guess it's a miracle that I'm as normal and healthy that I am.

"When my mom figured out that she was pregnant, she only had a week to do an abortion before it was too late. She went to my father and they decided to do an abortion. But when the day came, they didn't have money. Or they were too drunk. I've heard both explanations a lot. Anyway, they didn't get an abortion. They got together and stayed together until she died.

"My mom didn't hate me all the time. My father did, and he let me know it. But, there were moments when mom and I connected. Had a nice time. When I came out, for example. She hugged me and told me that she didn't care. I don't know now, with hindsight, if she really didn't care about me being gay, or if she meant that she really didn't care about me.

"It doesn't really matter anyway. She was the one who kept our family on the right side of the law and on the right side of everything. When she was sober, she made sure we had food at home, that my clothes was washed and that the house was somewhat clean. She was the only one who could handle my father. She was the one who made sure he got up and went to work. She protected me from his punches and kicks.

"But, you know most of the times, she wasn't sober. When I talk about her, I always make sure to speak about those moments, because I don't want people to feel sorry about me. But, most of the time, she was drunk. And when she was drunk the only thing in her mind was what to drink, when to drink and how to get alcohol. They always had money for alcohol even if it wasn't money for food. When my mom was drunk, it was like I didn't exist. She didn't notice my father hitting me, or locking me out or kicking me. When she was drunk, it was always different people at our house. People who partied, got drunk and high.

"I would just wait for the sober moments. When she cared about me. I hadn't any friends at school, I was bullied really badly. And when the bullying was at the worst and when my mom was drunk and mean to me, I felt so small and so worthless. And that happened a lot. My mom died in a car crash, she was going to buy booze to my father. I was listening to music and didn't hear the police come to the house and told my father. He didn't say anything to me until three days later. And then it wasn't like he sat me down to have a serious talk, he was mad with me about something and just shouted that now when my mom's dead, it wasn't anyone there to defend me anymore.

"I wasn't allowed to go to the funeral. I didn't even know when the funeral was held. He didn't tell me. Carole and Kurt took me to her grave though. But, I haven't grieved her. I don't know where to start. I wasn't allowed to talk about her after her dead. And, he threated to kill me if he ever heard from school that they had heard she was dead. Once, I mentioned her name to one of our guests, and he heard. I was beaten so badly. I couldn't leave my bath room for two days. It was good that I had some energy bars hidden in there.

"You know. She wasn't the perfect mom. But, she was the only one I had. And I miss her. I miss her so much."

Blaine silenced. He hadn't noticed the tears running while he talked. Now he sank down in the wheelchair, put his head in his hands and starting sobbing. Hannah sat down on the armchair next to him and laid one arm around his shoulders. She held his shaking body for a long time. So long that Sarah knocked on the door to see if everything was alright. They had been in there for much longer than a normal therapy session. Hannah just shook his head to show Sarah that they weren't ready to leave just yet.

Blaine kept sobbing, he mumbled over and over again "I miss you mommy. I love you mommy." Finally he had calmed down enough for Hannah to let go off him. She looked at him.

"Blaine. It was so good that you spoke about this. This is the beginning on your grieving process. It will take time. Let it take time. That's why you're here. I suggest you get something to eat and then get some rest. I'll come and check on you later and see if you're up to talking some more. How that sounds?"

Blaine just nodded. He let his head hung, too tired to hold his head up. He was wheeled in to his room where Hannah and Sarah helped him to his bed.

"Before you go to sleep, Blaine, you need to have something to eat. Here's a nutrition drink for you. You can't afford to lose any more weight right now."

Blaine took the bottle Sarah held out for him. He opened it and took a sip. It tasted strawberry and it was really sweet. He closed his eyes and leaned back. Sarah was quickly there to pick the bottle up before his hands went limp and he dropped it. She put the blanket over him.


Hannah came back in the afternoon to see if Blaine would wake up and talk to her. She could wake him up enough to start crying again. And then he cried until he fell asleep. That happened over and over again. Until they decided to stop waking him.

The doctor alongside Hannah and Sarah decided to put an IV-catheter into Blaine's arm and give him some fluids. He had lost weight since he arrived at the hospital and they couldn't let him lose anymore. The days when he was this exhausted and couldn't make himself eat, he would have to have a drip.

Hannah called Carole to report on Blaine's condition.

"So, should we come and visit him?" Carole asked.

"It's really up to you. You have been more successful in waking him up then we have. But keep in mind that when he wakes up, he starts crying until he falls asleep. It isn't much to come and visit. But, you have to make this decision. I won't say that you should or that you shouldn't."

"I don't know how to keep Kurt from there, though." Carole said.

"Yes, I've realized how much they mean to each other. For Blaine's sake, I don't think it matters if you come or not if I should be really honest. He isn't that aware of his surroundings."

"Oh, I'll talk about it with my husband then. But I think we should take a night at home. I think it would do Kurt and Finn good to be at home and study tonight. I'll call later to see how he's doing."

"Do that."

"Thanks for calling." Carole said and hung up the phone.


Blaine woke up with a terrible head ache in the middle of the night. He needed to relieve himself and he sat up. His head was spinning and aching. He was confused by the drip attached to his arms, but the need to go was more urgent than the need to know what it was. The nurse, Natasha, helped him to the wheelchair and waiting outside the bathroom. When they went back to the room, he told her about the headache and got a pill for it. She gave him a nutrition drink of which he took some sips before handing it back.

"Blaine, you really got to eat some more. I would like you to drink all of this." Natasha said.

"I just want to sleep." Blaine said and scooted under his duvet. He closed his eyes and fell asleep immediately. Natasha watched him and shook her head. She felt bad for him.


Sarah woke Blaine as usual. He looked at her and turned against the wall. He pulled his duvet over his head and tried to go back to sleep. He had no urge to get up this day.

"Blaine? It's morning, you need to wake up to take your medicine, eat breakfast and talk to Hannah." Sarah said and shook his shoulder again.

"No, thanks." Blaine said from under the duvet.

"Blaine, come on, you have to wake up." Sarah said and pulled the duvet down. Blaine was fast to pull it up again though.

"No, not today." Blaine said with a firm voice.

"What do you mean? Not today?"

"Just leave me alone, Sarah."

"No, I'm not leaving you alone. Talk to me instead."

"Just leave me alone."

"Blaine…" Sarah said.

"GO! Leave me." Blaine said with a raised voice.

Sarah sighed. She wasn't surprised by this reaction. Hannah had told her about what Blaine had said to her the day before. When someone opened up that much, it somehow came back to hunt them. In Blaine's case, that seemed to be by shutting him down. She knew Blaine would put up a fight, but she also knew she couldn't give up now. This was one of the reasons he had come here. As a professional, she could put up another level of fight than his family could. She also knew this wasn't personal, she had seen it before plenty of times.

"Blaine, I know that you're sad and you've got every right to be, but you still need to eat." She said with a soft voice.

"GO AWAY!" He screamed.

"I won't go away, Blaine, so you can stop screaming." Sarah said with the same soft voice.

"GOOOOOO!"

"No, I won't. I know that you're not mad at me. You're mad at someone else. You can keep screaming to me, that's okay, but you need to get up."

"NO! GO AWAY!"

"No, I won't. I care about you too much to go away. Come on, turn around and look at me. You can keep screaming, but look at me."

Blaine was quiet for a while. Sarah thought he had fallen asleep again and was about to shook to awake again when he slowly turned around and looked at her. His eyes were swollen from crying and filled with new tears.

"Please, just let me be." He whispered.

She stroked his hair before shaking her head.

"No, I won't Blaine." She said, still looking at him.

"Please…"

"No, Blaine. I want you to get up and eat something."

"NO! Not today. Let me be!"

"No." Sarah said, still with a soft voice.

"NOOOOOOOOO!" Blaine screamed to her. "I can't take it anymore. I don't want to. I'm so tired. It's too much. It's too much, Sarah. Too much." He started sobbing while Sarah stroked his hair. He cried for about half an hour. He calmed down and looked at her.

"Just let me sleep."

"You'll sleep later, Blaine. First it's breakfast and medicine and then it's Hannah-time."

"I don't want to. It's too much already."

"I know Blaine, but you need to tell her that." Sarah said.

Blaine laid in bed for a bit longer before starting sit up.

"I need to go to the bathroom."

"Well, then, let's get up."

Hannah came looking for Blaine while he was in the bathroom. She looked at Sarah with her eyebrows raised in a question.

"Not a good morning." Sarah said to her.

"Okay, come when you're ready for it." Hannah said.

After breakfast and medicine, Blaine was back in the room with Hannah. She looked at him when Sarah had left the room.

"Blaine? How are you today?"

"I don't wanna talk."

"Why not?"

"I don't wanna talk." Blaine repeated.

"I heard, but why?"

"I don't wanna talk." Blaine repeated again.

"Okay. You don't want to talk. Shall we just sit here in silence then?" Hannah said.

"I can go back to my room then?" He asked her, still not looking up.

"Is it so bad in here? I kind of like this room." Hannah said and looked around.

"No, it's not the room."

"Oh, it's me then?" Hannah said.

Blaine was silent.

"You can be angry with me, Blaine. That's okay." Hannah said. "But I would appreciate if you told me why."

"You tricked me." Blaine said, looking up at Hannah.

"How so?"

"You tricked me into speaking about my mother. And now, I'm filled with all these emotions. And it sucks. And it's your fault. You tricked me in to this."

"Emotions isn't dangerous though, Blaine."

"But, it's too much. It feels like it takes everything I have to keep them inside."

"What would happen if you don't keep them inside then? If you let them out?"

"I can't do that." Blaine said.

"Why not?"

"How do I do that?" he asked.

"Tell me about what feeling you're feeling right now." Hannah said.

"I feel sad." Blaine said.

"How does it feel?"

"Like I just want to cry. I miss her so much. I would do anything to see her again, to say goodbye to her. It's like a sea of sadness that I'm swimming in. And I feel like it takes all my strength not to drown."

"Why don't you write her a letter?" Hannah suggested.

"I could do that." Blaine said.

"What more do you feel?"

"I feel… I feel angry."

"That's okay. Who are you angry with?"

"I'm angry with myself, for telling you. I'm angry with you for tricking me. I'm angry with Sarah for not giving up. I'm angry with…" Blaine mumbled.

"I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you."

"I'M ANGRY AT MY FATHER." Blaine screamed before placing his hands in front of his mouth, as if he had said too much.

"That's okay, Blaine."

Blaine shook his head.

"Yes, it is, it is okay being angry with him."

Blaine shook his head again.

"No." He whispered.

"Why not?" Hannah pressed.

"No. I'm not allowed to."

"By who?"

Blaine shook his head again.

"Tell me Blaine."

"I can't." He whispered.

"Why not?"

Blaine shook his head, still with his hands in front of his mouth.

"Blaine, you're safe here. You can tell me. I won't let anything happen to you. I promise." Hannah said slowly while looking in Blaine's eyes.

Blaine looked back at her.

"Tell me, Blaine." Hannah pressed. She knew this was vital for his recovery.

"I'm not allowed to be angry with him. He'd told me so many times. But I am. I am angry with him. I'm angry with him. I'm angry with him for every punch, for every kick, for every time he choosed the booze before me. I'm angry with him. I'M ANGRY WITH HIM." Blaine screamed. His mind was filled with memories screaming, hitting, punching, and kicking him. The images filled him and he wanted them to stop. He started hitting his head for them to go away. He screamed at the images, at his father, at himself. He screamed and hit himself. He didn't pay attention to the door opening when he started screaming, or Sarah entered to help Hannah. He didn't noticed Hannah forcing his fists away from his head. He didn't notice the injection Sarah gave him. He noticed the darkness surrounding him before he passed out.

"What happened?" Sarah asked.

"He let the emotions out." Hannah said and help Sarah get him to his bed.


When Blaine woke up from a nightmare an hour later, he was surprised to find both Sarah and Hannah next to the bed.

"Hi Blaine, welcome back." Hannah said. "We had to give you an injection and sedate you, you were violent."

"Sorry." Blaine said.

"No need to apologize. I pushed you to it."

Blaine didn't answer. He pulled the blanket closer to him.

"Blaine. I get that it's scary as hell talking about this. But, if you don't, you'll never get to leave here. You need to let these emotions out. You need to learn a way of dealing with them. A way that doesn't mean screaming and hitting yourself. Today was a start." Hannah said to him.

"How about you eating some lunch and then we talk some more?" Hannah said when she didn't get an answer.

"Okay." Blaine mumbled.

After lunch, he was back in the room with Hannah. Now with extra sedatives.

"So, Blaine, can you tell me how you experienced this morning?"

"It was scaring as hell. All these images of my father came rushing in my mind and I couldn't stop them. It really felt like he was here, threating me again, telling me that he would kill me if I kept talking."

"Did he often say that to you?" She asked.

"Yes. All the time." He admitted.

"Do you think he meant it? Would he actually kill you?"

"No doubt in my mind. He's never hidden the fact that he despises me."

"Okay. Well, your father is in jail. He won't be leaving there for a long time. He most certainly won't come here. And, there are no ways for him to find out what you tell me."

"But, that's the thing. I don't doubt that he would search for, and find, the Hummels and you, and kill you. That's why I have to die, Hannah. I don't want you or them to get hurt."

"There's no way for him to find out where you're staying though."

"That's true. I'm just so scared."

"I get that. If you want me to, I can see how the process with your father is doing, and what the police have told Burt and Carole."

"You would do that for me?" Blaine asked.

"Of course, Blaine." Hannah smiled to him. "I think that's it for today. I suggest that you write a letter to your mom. If you want to, we can talk about it tomorrow, if you don't, then that's fine."

Blaine nodded. Hannah opened the door and Sarah came in to take him to his room.


After talking to Hannah, Carole decided to go and see Blaine earlier than planned. Even if he was tired and/or angry, she needed to speak to him. It was a lot that she had to tell him, but hadn't felt like speaking to him about now, when he had so much going on.

She texted Kurt telling him that they should meet at the hospital.


Hi mom.

I've talking to a therapist, Hannah, and she told me to write to you. So here we go…

Do you remember when I was little and you used to say that you wished you could give me a new, better life? That you wished that I'd been born by some other parents? That you wished you'd done the abortion, so I'd have a chance to be born somewhere else?

Well, now, after your death, it seems like I've gotten just that – a new life with other parents. Parents that seem to love me. I'm just sad that you had to die for that to happen.

I never gave up hope of your love. I know I say that I did, but I never did. I did stop counting the times I said "I love you, mom" without receiving an answer. I always thought that next time you were sober, I'd do something good. Good enough for you to realize that you loved me. But you never did.

Now I have people that tell me every day that they love me - Kurt, Carole and Burt. They have become my new, improved family. I wish you could've met them, and somehow approve of them. I think you should have thought they were those other parents you wished for me.

I know you did all you could do in your position. I now that. You hadn't much to work with.I know that you knew it wasn't a safe or good environment for a kid to grow up in. But, you know, I turned out quiet good I think.

I forgive you mom. I forgive you for not sobering up. I forgive you for choosing alcohol before me. I forgive you for not being a mother to me.

Thank you for letting me go to Dalton.

Thank you for every punch you took instead of me.

Thank you for giving birth to me. You regret it every day, and you told me every day, but thank you.

I love you mom.

I miss you.