A little warning. There is a darkness and some talk of abuse in this chapter. I hope it isn't gratuitous, but I know it can be hard to read for some.


55. DYNAMIC

Bella's not sure of the dynamic anymore. At first, she wanted answers, to know why he'd treated her so poorly. But now, hearing him describe his wife, watching the way his face twists in agony with every memory, it feels more like a confession. Perhaps he's seeking absolution.

It isn't hers to give.

"Why was it a grave mistake?"

He closes his eyes, pinches the bridge of his nose between his fingers. Simply from his actions, she can tell they're getting to the painful part. She braces herself in her seat, a passenger waiting for the crash.

"Maggie wasn't...she didn't..." He sighs, grits his teeth. "She had a cruel streak. Not all the time, it would come and go. It started again shortly after we were married. Things were fine for a while, then her behavior began to change and she started to disappear again. I'd be beside myself every time. Each time she came home I wasn't sure if I was delighted or devastated. And I never asked her where she'd been because, by then, I was too afraid to hear the answer." He shudders, as if the memories are causing him pain. "But the first time she admitted where she'd been, it fucking slayed me."

Bella says nothing. She knows he'll tell her when he's ready.

"Maggie had a strong sex drive. Stronger than most. She used to taunt I wasn't man enough for her, that she always needed more than I had to give. The first time she told me about her...flings...she actually laughed at my response. Told me I should be happy it was me she came home to after all those parties."

He glances up, catches Bella's eye. "I'm guessing you know the sort of parties I mean. Looking back, I was an idiot. Should have left her right away, but I let myself be drawn in, let her belittle me until I felt worthless. It was my fault for not fulfilling her. Sometimes, she'd crawl into bed in the middle of the night and describe every act." Edward stops, rubs his face with the heel of his hands. "She'd get me...hard and climb on top of me. Tell me I wasn't as big as her latest lover. When I came, I'd feel like the lowest of the fucking low."

He can't even bring himself to look at Bella anymore. He doesn't want to see what she thinks of him.

If he only knew, though. She wants to reach out, to touch him, but he's like a stone: unyielding. Not ready to be touched.

"I didn't tell anybody. What could I say? 'I'm letting my wife cuckold me and fuck me when she comes home after being away for days; God knows where, doing God knows what.' Imagine the way people would have laughed. I imagined it all the time. I was weak, Bella, didn't even argue with her. When I asked her to use a condom at least, she laughed in my face. I can't even begin to tell you how lucky I was not to catch something. Believe me, I got tested. A lot."

Bella winces. He immediately reassures. "I'm clean. I can promise you that. I would never have put you in danger. Not after everything I've been through."

Her voice is thin. Strained. "You were abused."

"She was the one with the bruises. Striped like fingers across her arms. Inky smudges between her thighs. She used to make me touch them. Caress them. Told me how she got every single one."

He finally looks up. Tears roll down his cheeks. Flatten on his skin when he shakes his head. "I should have been stronger. It took me until last year to realize I couldn't go on like that. By that point I was at my lowest. I had nothing left to lose. Or so I thought. Last September I finally told her I was leaving. That I wanted a divorce. I even found a short term rental in town."

Bella doesn't allow this revelation to lighten her heart. They both know there's no happy ending here.

"Then Maggie pulled her coup de grâce. Asked me to meet her to talk things over. When I got to the house she'd made dinner. Lit candles. Gave me a glass of wine. When I tried to walk away, she passed me a piece of paper, a sonogram picture. Told me she was pregnant."

Sick. She's going to be sick. Bella tries to swallow down the vomit, but it lingers in her throat. The taste is vile.

"I actually laughed in her face. I felt strong, invincible. I'd finally broken free and there was no way she was pulling me back in. Even if she was pregnant, I didn't believe it was my child. When I told her that she started crying, begging. Told me I was wrong; that there was a chance it was mine, and she couldn't do it without me."

He stops again, looks down at his feet. "I just wanted out. I needed to be done. So…I told her if she couldn't cope, she should get rid of it."

His next breath is ragged. Bella echoes it, covering her mouth to stop a cry from escaping.

"I didn't mean it. Not like that. I swear I didn't."