Can't be Anyone Else

S01e44

Episode: Gravity on my heart


"Every morning, I wake up and forget just for a second that it happened. But once my eyes open, it buries me like a landslide of sharp, sad rocks. Once my eyes open, I'm heavy, like there's too much gravity on my heart."
-Sarah Ockler, Twenty Boy Summer-


The church bell rung and echoed through the majestic church as the sound bounced of the white walls. The slow, deep sound rung through everybody's bodies causing chills to run down their spines.

Outside the weather was dull and chilly. The sky was covered with ever grey clouds, which numbed out the bright blue heaven. Once in a while the sun would peek out, as if to remind you that it was still there; That it might be the greyest, darkest day you've ever seen - But beyond those clouds the sun was always shining.

… Brooke had a hard time believing that at this point.

This morning when she had woken up she had - for a split second - felt happy… that was until reality caught up with her dream-state. Reality shattered her and she realized that somehow reality had become her nightmare.

Up until this point she had been adamant about pushing her feelings aside. She had tried so hard to fight off reality, 'cause she knew she had to be strong; for her mom, for Liv, for Haley. It had become harder and harder to numb herself from these feelings, to numb herself from the pain. It was hard to numb the anger and frustration:

For the life of her she couldn't figure out why in the world her aunt Liv had to go through this: She was the most caring woman she had ever met. Liv was only 43 years old. 43 years. The oldest person who have ever existed lived 122 years-and 164 days! And Liv only got 43?! It wasn't fair. Non of it was fair.

Anger. That was probably the stage of grief she was at right now – but she was not sure where to direct it. Mostly she was angry with herself, sometimes her mother… and sometimes it was even at Liv: She was mad at Liv for leaving her. She was mad at Liv for not leading a healthier life. She was mad that she hadn't done anything sooner to prevent it.

Her whole life, Brooke couldn't remember her aunt Liv being healthy. She had always been round and soft, and frankly overweight. She had always been that way so Brooke hadn't really thought much of it. She remembered her and Haley visiting Liv when they were younger, and she would always have freshly baked cookies or cupcakes ready for them. It was such a beloved childhood memory, which now had been infected with the disease called obesity: The thing that killed her aunt.

The excess weight had let to heart disease ("Cardiovascular disease" as the doctors called it).

They had gotten the news just before Christmas when the hospital had called to inform them that Liv had had a stroke and she had been pulled into emergency surgery.

Brooke remembered seeing her mother shed a tear and for the first time she seemed at a loss for words: Karen Davis – the strongest, most determined woman on the planet didn't know what to do… and neither did Brooke.

They had driven up to the hospital and had done the only thing they could do: Wait.

They waited… and waited… and waited… before finally a doctor came out and informed them that the surgery had been successful, though she still was weak. The first thing Liv had said when she saw their tear stained faces was; "Why are you crying? I'm the one lying in the hospital bed!", and then she gave them a laugh that caused her stitches to hurt.

Slowly but steadily aunt Liv had grown stronger- grown better - and soon her biggest worry was the crappy hospital food! They all started to heal, and Brooke remembered thinking it was a Christmas miracle. Liv was even aloud to come home for a couple of hours on Christmas eve...

They just didn't know it was going to be the last one they were going to spend together.

A couple of weeks after Christmas they got another phone call that Liv had had another stroke.

It was like another bomb going off, just as they had started to rebuild.

Liv's already weakened heart just couldn't take the strain of another surgery… and then she was gone. A whole life gone in an instant.

So yeah, Brooke was angry. She was sad. She was frustrated.

The sound of the church bell died down, and Brooke allowed herself to look behind her: Brooke, her mother and father, sat in the front row of the church and behind them was an almost packed church: All different ages, all different walks of life – all coming together to remember her aunt. She saw their silent tears and sympathetic looks, and she realized that she hardly knew any of them! How well did she really know her aunt: Who was her first love? Was she the popular kid in school? The geek? How did she grow up?

She had thought she knew her well, but somehow Liv's love for cupcakes and laughter fits seemed like insufficient knowledge. Now she had so many unanswered questions – and no one to turn to.

Brooke made eye contact with an elderly man, who smiled almost apologetically at her and she quickly turned around in her seat again, and adverted her gaze to the church floor.

Sadness crept up on her, trying to win the battle to be the most prominent emotion. She swallowed hard as the priest came into view in his formal robe. His grey hair and beard made him look like an old Jesus!

The look in his eyes was filled with compassion, as he looked out upon the saddened group.

"We are gathered here today to burry a loved one: Liv Davis. Liv Davis was a kind soul… " He continued venturing on, but Brooke only heard fractions as she was too busy holding herself together. She clutched the white tissue tightly in her hand as she tried to ignore the sadness that was pressuring down in the room.

"… In Revelation 14:13 it says: 'Then I heard a voice from heaven say; Blessed are the dead who die in the Lord from now on. 'Yes', says the Spirit, 'they will rest from their labor, for their deeds will follow them'". The priest continued, and Brooke's stomach turned into knots because she knew what was coming.

"… Our deeds follow us into the afterlife, and Liv Davis' good deeds will follow her into hers. Here to speak of those deeds is her beloved niece, Brooke Davis" The priest gestured towards Brooke, who wanted nothing more than to run out the door. Normally she would love being the center of attention, but she did not like showing her vulnerability so openly.

She tried pulling herself together and looked at her mother; Karen's misty blue eyes, watched her intently. Brooke didn't have a choice. She had promised Liv:

"Brooke Davies, you have a way of always making people smile" She remembered Liv saying, when she had asked her to speak at her funeral. Brooke had found it incredible morbid at the time. Brooke had agreed more out of compliance, more than anything else, not really believing that Liv would, and could, actually die. Besides who could say no to a person who was lying in a hospital bed?!

Brooke's father, Keith Davis, squeezed his daughter's hand - his mouth tight behind his gruffy beard.

Brooke took a deep breath and stood up.

As she reached the preacher she could feel everybody staring her down from behind. She shook the priest s hand, and turned around:

The church was almost completely full. The dark, dull clouds outside denied light through the majestic stained-glass windows. No one met her eyes as they were too busy holding themselves together.

Only the older man from before seemed to stare at her intently, which kind of freaked her out more than it comforted her.

Her heart raced and sank at the same time.

She had had this whole speech prepared, but it all seemed like a joke now. Like it was some sort of school-project she was about to present the facts about. Well, here was the facts: Liv died. The end. She didn't deserve it, it wasn't fair, but it happened. She scoffed to herself, as it didn't make sense.

"Liv asked me to say a few words…" Brooke began as her voice echoed through the church. "… she said she wanted me to lighten the mood!" Brooke allowed herself to smile painfully at the notion. She heard a few people chuckle through the pain.

"My aunt Liv was always trying to make people smile. Even now as she's dead she still tries to…" suddenly all words were gone, as it hit her. It was the first time she had admitted out loud that her aunt had died.

People were watching her intently as she suddenly stopped in mid-sentence. They looked around uncertainly, as they didn't know what to do.

Brooke felt the tears springing forward, blurring her vision until everyone became nothing but blurry images. "She's dead" she muttered again, mostly to herself.

A weight seemed to pressure on her chest, as she wanted to escape this. This was not right, this was…

People churned uncomfortably in their seats, as the silence continued. A few hiccupped and blew their noses as they too didn't seem to be able to hold the sadness a bay.

She couldn't do this. Brooke started to panick as her breathing became more shallow, and erratic – and that's when she heard someone rustling from the back of the church.

Shortly after Brooke felt a warm hand squeezing her shoulder. She looked up, expecting to see her mother's blue eyes, but instead she was met with a familiar pair of deep brown eyes.

Haley?

Brooke didn't take the time to be confused about how Haley knew what had happened. Instead the sheer relief that filled her took up every available space of her thoughts. Haley's eyes shone with a kind of strength and compassion that made Brooke breathe a little easier. Without any word spoken, Haley had reacted to Brooke's silent plea for help, and stood beside her and faced the curious onlookers.

Haley simply sent her a small smile, took her hand, and turned around to continue Brooke's speech. And suddenly Brooke could breathe again.

"Aunt Liv died, and we're all trying to make sense of it… of death… of life. I guess it's what we're always trying to do: To make sense of ourselves. Make sense of the world... and somehow the world doesn't make sense anymore. It doesn't make sense that Liv had to die: She was a great person. A caring person... and you can try and blame yourself. You can try to blame God. You can keep on passing the blame until you realize, that the only reason you live, is to die! That is the truth. That is a fact.

It's scary. It's hard… but it's the truth. So what is the point? What is the point of living when we're all meant to die? You see, aunt Liv had figured that out…" Haley said warmly and squeezed Brooke's hand.

"... without even trying, she had figured it out: Once we've enjoyed and loved deeply we can never truly die, for all that we have loved deeply becomes part of us. And Liv will forever be a part of us. She will forever be a part of me, of Brooke, of Karen, of Keith… and of all you she has shown kindness to. We will always remember you, and we will always love you… and from now on you will live right in here" Haley pointed to her heart, and she heard strained sobs throughout the church.

Brooke looked at her friend through teary eyes: As always her friend seemed to know exactly what she had been thinking and feeling. And as always she had made everything better. The pain subsided at least for a moment, as she let Haley's words sink in. It was as if she had been reading her thoughts about how angry and frustrated she had been about everything. But of course Haley was right – she always was: Liv would never truly disappear, and she would forever be in her heart. At least she could seek a little comfort in that.

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After the ceremony most people gathered at Brooke's house. Brooke felt exhausted, and if she had to shake anymore hands she would scream.

She just wanted some time get through this without a bunch of people watching. And she literally felt like everybody was watching her out of the corner of their eyes. Feeling sorry for her. Feeling bad that she wasn't able to finish her speech at the church.

She went through masses of people and headed out the door, to sit out on the porch.

She plumbed down, closed her eyes, and breathed in the cool air.

When she opened her eyes again, she saw someone just at the edge of the lawn, looking uncertain: It was Haley. She hadn't seen her since the church. They hadn't talked. They had just gone back to each their seats in the church after Haley had finished the speech.

Slowly Brooke raised herself from the porch swing, and walked towards Haley.

By the time they reached on another, they both had grown uncertain. Brooke wanted to thank her for what she had done at church – but she didn't want to keep replaying the event over and over again like she had done with the rest of the guests. She just wanted to move on.

She wanted to NOT talk about it.

Haley seemed to know that. Of course she knew that. She had always been the smart one. Instead of talking about the event she simple mumbled: "You should have told me", as she scraped her foot nervously to the ground.

"I was trying to protect you", Brooke answered back simply, which caused Haley's eyes to snap up in an unexpectant relief. A tiny smile flickered on Haley's lips.

"That was very sweet, and very stupid of you!"

"I'm not exactly known for being smart!" Brooke giggled through teary eyes.

They smiled at one another, and needed not to say anymore. Instead they silently went back to the porch swing and sat down side by side, and looked out at the darkening sky.

Not talking, was the greatest gift Haley had given Brooke.

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