Chapter 56: Making choices

Bilbo P.O.V.

Bilbo Baggins couldn't remember exactly when he had last had a conversation with anyone. The Halfling had somewhat turned into a recluse after everything that had happened. He had shunned away from the rest of the company and had spent many days on the outskirt of the mountain where he had a perfect view of the valley and Ravenhill. He was convinced that no one knew where he was exactly and Bilbo preferred it that way.

It wasn't that Bilbo was being rude and avoiding everyone else on purpose. There were so many different things on Bilbo's mind and he needed to think about these things on his own. Bilbo was supposed to have left Erebor already and he was still here because things had turned out differently than what had been the original plan.

Surely he was still grieving the loss of Thorin, Fili and Kili. He had grown rather close with the three of them and they were supposed to officially be his kin if he had married Allie.

Oh Allie.

Just the thought of the woman he had been planning to leave the Shire with was enough to bring tears back to his eyes. He hadn't spoken to her at all ever since she had been crowned Queen those three weeks ago. He hadn't even visited her because he was convinced that Allie had more important things on her mind than an ordinary Halfling.

He wanted nothing more than to leave Erebor with Allie at his side, but he knew that wouldn't happen anymore. Allie's future had taken another turn and there no longer was a part for Bilbo in her life. Bilbo was having some difficulty with accepting that, but he was doing his best.

Bilbo knew that there was only one thing that he could do that could lessen his pain a little and that was him to officially leave Erebor without Allie so that he would never have to look her in the eyes anymore. Honestly the last thing that he wanted was to be removed from Allie, but it was hurting him too much to be this close to Allie when he couldn't be with her anymore. Perhaps that would soften his aching somewhat so that he could finally move on from Allie. Only Bilbo knew that would be a pointless cause. How on earth do you move on from someone as beautiful and magnetic as Allie Fairchild, Queen of Erebor? You simply can't. He had to find Gandalf in the hope that wizard would be able to accompany him on the journey homewards.

"You look terrible," a voice said.

Bilbo spun around in horror because he hadn't heard someone talking to him in about three weeks and was surprised to see Bombur standing there with crossed arms. Bilbo hadn't been paying any attention to his personal hygiene and his hair reassembled a terrible tangled mess. There were layers of dirt stuck underneath his fingernails and there was even a layer of dirt glued onto his skin which wasn't strange since he had been sleeping outside for weeks.

"I don't really care," Bilbo replied indifferently. His voice sounding strange after having not used it for so long.

Bombur gave him a thoughtful look. "We've all known that you've been hiding here so that you don't have to talk to anyone. It's obvious that you're grieving in your own way, Bilbo. You do not have to deal with all of this on your own."

"I'm planning to leave Erebor soon," Bilbo said instead. "Bombur, I can't stay here any longer."

Bombur narrowed his eyes. "You should properly talk with someone about that, Bilbo," he told him. "Don't make any hasty decisions."

Bilbo said nothing more and began to walk away on his own so that he didn't have to talk more about this matter. He knew that it was cowardly behaviour that he was displaying but he simply didn't know what else to do. All he knew was how to flee.

He wasn't sure where he was going but he let his feet lead him the way and he ended up back inside the mountain. By now he knew his way around these halls better than when he had first arrived here, but it was still incredibly easy for him to lose his way.

"Bilbo," he heard Gandalf call his name as he unknowingly passed the wizard. He stopped in his tracks to face him with a heavy heart. He had gotten to know the wizard pretty well and was convinced that Gandalf was going to ask him personal questions which he wasn't really looking forward to. "You have been avoiding everyone."

Bilbo licked his lips. "I know I have been."

Gandalf placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. "You have to talk about what happened, Bilbo, and especially about Allie. You cannot keep avoiding everyone forever."

The mention of Allie stung him. "I don't want to talk about it."

"You cannot keep this all bottled up inside of you. The plan was for you to leave for the Shire with Allie at your side so that the two of you could grow old together. You had been talking about that for months and you even intended to marry Allie. You love her, Bilbo."

"Clearly plans change, Gandalf," Bilbo told him. "Allie has more important things to focus on than to be with a Halfling. She's a Queen now and she's darn good at it and her people need her more than she needs me."

"That's ridiculous, Bilbo."

Bilbo pressed his lips into a thin line. "I can't stay here, Gandalf. I want to go home. Knowing that I can never have Allie anymore hurts too much and I need to get away from that. I cannot breathe in a place like that which me constantly reminds what I can no longer have."

There was a somber expression on Gandalf's face. "If you are ready to return home then I am more than welcome to escort you back to the Shire within two days. Only if you talk to Allie first. You have to know what her opinion is about this matter. You have to talk to Allie before you make a decision you're going to regret for the rest of your life."

The last thing that Bilbo wanted was for Allie to rub into his face that he could never have her. He remained silent and nodded before he walked away so that she wizard couldn't ask him anymore questions. He wandered deeper inside the mountain, still somewhat shaken from his conversation with Gandalf.

"Are you Bilbo Baggins?" another voice asked.

Bilbo cursed because the universe refused to leave him alone. He turned his head to see an elven maiden with long auburn hair approach him. She was wearing a forest green tunic and he could see the daggers that she had hidden in her scabbards. He knew that she was an elf from Mirkwood since Thranduil delegation of elves was still a guest at Erebor.

"Yes," Bilbo replied unsure.

"My name is Tauriel," she introduced herself. Bilbo had heard mentions of the captain of the Mirkwood from Allie but he had never met her before until now. He could already picture where this conversation was gonna go and he didn't like it one bit. "I know that this is our first time meeting each other, and I had hoped that we would meet each other another way. Still I need to talk to you. I am a close friend of Allie and I truly value her friendship. She is absolutely devastated that you haven't been visiting her at all. She has been waiting for you."

"I am certain that Allie doesn't want to see me," Bilbo said cautiously. "She is a Queen after all."

Tauriel frowned. "Listen to me. When you and the dwarves had escaped from Mirkwood in barrels and I had accompanied Allie to the borders. She had told me about how much she loved someone and how happy that he was making her. From that I could tell that she was talking about the love of her life. She and only opened up about who you were and your shared plans for the future a few days ago because it was tearing her apart that you weren't paying attention to her anymore. It's clear to me that from how you're looking right now that you still love her as well. You want to marry her."

"Allie and I cannot be," Bilbo made clear and it pained him to having to say that. Tauriel could see the tears in his eyes. "She's a sodding Queen and her people need her. Allie would never abandon people that need her. She is too selfless for that. She is an amazing Queen that everyone completely adores and she cannot give up on that. That is why I intent to leave Erebor within two days with Gandalf and I'll be heading to the Shire. I cannot stay here any longer."

"You're going to leave?" Tauriel repeated in disbelieve. "And what about Allie? Have you even considered about what she wants? You'll break her heart if you leave now and Allie has been hurt more than enough recently. She doesn't deserve this."

"She'll get over it eventually," Bilbo muttered softly. He shook his head and ran away as quickly as he could so that Tauriel couldn't see his breakdown.

He was nothing but a coward.