The first time I realise that I've fallen asleep is when I wake up, and even then it takes me a moment. My eyes open suddenly and I blink, confused, slowly scanning the area around me as I try and shift my brain into the present.
"You back with me Ty?"
I start in surprise, glancing to my left, and realise I'm leaning on Caleb's shoulder. I immediately feel a flush creep into my cheeks as he smiles down at me.
"You fell asleep. Thought I'd give you a few hours, given how much you've done today."
I straighten up awkwardly, my brain still reeling from having just woken up.
"Right. thanks."
My voice sounds croaky and brittle, and I clear my throat as I glance across at Caleb, embarrassed to have been sleeping away beside him, oblivious. I can't believe I couldn't even handle a morning's exertion without falling asleep on him; he must think I'm useless.
"Stop feeling bad about it, Tyla. You were tired, no biggie. It's not like you missed anything."
I start slightly, confused that he can seemingly read my mind, and he smiles.
"Don't deny it, I can tell when you're giving yourself a hard time about something. You get a little line on your forehead, right there."
He leans forward, making me jump as he brushes his finger lightly across the bridge of my nose.
"I know what that line means, so stop berating yourself, Ok?"
He says it softly, and I know I should respond, but I can't; I'm unable to speak, unable to move, unable to do anything but gaze back at him. Up close, his eyes are darker and warmer than I've ever seen them, and as I stare, transfixed, he delicately brushes my hair out of my eyes as he studies me almost thoughtfully.
"Ty, back in the District, did you have a boyfriend?"
He says it lightly, conversationally, but immediately my breath catches in my throat and my heart begins to pound. It's a topic we've never touched on, and I have no idea what to say, especially not when he's so close, no while every molecule in my body is reacting to his proximity. I realise my silence looks odd and panic, clearing my throat loudly in the silence.
"No, I had nobody. I mean, I didn't, no."
His eyebrow catches slightly in what might be surprise, but might also be a reaction to my awkward, rambling response. I curse myself in my head, desperately trying to come up with a way to fill the silence. "Did you?" It's all I can think of to say, and I almost don't want to hear the answer, but he just shakes his head with a smile.
"Na. I mean, there were girls, but nobody…you know. Special."
I can practically hear the sound of a million hearts breaking back in District 10, but mine is beating hard enough to make up for all of them. "Special?" I ask, unable to resist clarification on what it takes to catch Caleb's attention, and he nods.
"Yea. You know. That special something that makes you different from everyone else."
He's speaking hypothetically, but I still can't help myself from latching onto the word 'you', my heart leaping as he speaks.
"Special people are hard to find, Ty, trust me."
He speaks softly, staring fixatedly at me, and a weird shiver runs through my body. I feel hot and cold all at once, and though my hands are clammy my mouth is dry. The air seems to be crackling around us, and I literally feel my heart stop as he ever so slightly moves towards me. My eyes are locked on his, my breath caught in my chest, and I literally feel like there's nobody else in the world.
I'm so caught up in this feeling, the two of us, that when the boom of the cannon echoes above us it takes me so much by surprise that I have to stifle a scream. We both jump, staring upwards and listening to the sound of the birds flying through the air in the aftermath of the noise, and as soon as the arena falls silent again I immediately feel the tension in the air that tells me the moment has passed. I cough slightly, pulling away from him as I shift backwards, desperately trying to clear the atmosphere that's become almost tangible, floating in the air between us.
"I wonder who that was," Caleb says, his eyes still fixed on the shelter roof, and then glances over at me.
"Angel, with any luck," I say, and he laughs. "Not likely."
He pauses and we look at each other for a moment before I quickly speak to cover the silence. "What time is it?"
He furrows his brow thoughtfully. "Early evening I guess. We won't have to wait long for the announcement."
I nod. "Best get some dinner, then," I say, scrambling to my feet as I duck out of the shelter as quickly as I can. I'm taken aback to find that he's right, that it's dark outside; falling asleep in the middle of the day has knocked me for six, and though logically I knew time had passed I was still expecting the sun to be as high in the sky as it was the last time I looked. I shake off this disconcerting feeling as Caleb follows me out and we set about making dinner, cooking the rabbit he has skinned as we sit and wait for the face of the latest dead tribute in the sky. When it finally comes it's not Angel, of course; but against all odds, it is a career.
"Jaden!"
I stare in surprise, watching as the surly face of the boy from District 4 hovers for a moment before vanishing into the darkness.
"I guess now that the supplies are gone he wasn't necessary anymore," Caleb remarks dryly, and I nod in agreement.
"Definitely the work of Angel. How do you think she did it?"
"God knows. That girl is devious. I'm amazed the others haven't figured her out yet."
As he says this a thought occurs to me, and my eyes widen in surprise.
"What do you mean others? There's only Vita left now. Just two of them."
Caleb looks as taken aback as I was. "Two? Really? I didn't even realise. How did that happen?"
"Angel's been doing our work for us," I shrug, and Caleb nods slowly.
"Right. Wow, two careers left. That's mental."
I nod in agreement, running back over the fallen tributes in my head, and with a start I realise that we made the final 8; in fact, there are only 7 of us remaining now. On the television the final 8 always seems like such a huge milestone, and yet in here it passed me by without me even noticing; being in the final 8 is no more a cause for celebration than all the other deaths. In here, death is the only thing worth hoping for, and each death brings relief- relief that there are less people out there hunting me, that every death of another means we are still alive. I wonder if this is a terrible thing to think, if I should say it, and immediately decide not to. I know Caleb wouldn't think it, and I don't want to appear cold or selfish, but then is it so selfish to be glad to live? Because what other point is there to life, than trying to live it?
"Did we make the final 8?"
Caleb speaks suddenly, and I shake my head in amusement, no longer amazed at the way our thoughts consistently mirror each other.
"Yea I think so. There's only 7 of us left now, as far as I can tell."
"7? Really?" Caleb holds up his fingers and begins counting. "Me, you, Rhona, Angel, Vita, the kid with the glasses…"
"…Kendo. And then Asha, from 12."
I finish the list for him, pausing thoughtfully as the faces of the final tributes float in my mind. Unfortunately for me, they are a skilled set. The careers speak for themselves, and if Rhona is half as talented as Caleb then she'll be worth watching out for. Whilst he's not much to look at, Kendo has proved himself adept at survival, and Asha has proved her worth simply by surviving my attack on the second day. My only reassurance is that the bulk of our remaining opponents are skilled in survival, not fighting, and since we've discovered that the arena will eventually force us all to fight I know that their survival skills, no matter how good, will eventually not be good enough.
"7, you're right. I can't believe we didn't notice. It always seems like such a big deal on TV, doesn't it?"
Caleb sounds mystified by this realisation, and I nod my agreement.
"It's one of the big moments isn't it, the final 8. They do the highlights from the show so far, all the death recaps, and then our greatest hits; the best bits, near misses, chalk up our achievements, talk to our mentors…"
I trail off and Caleb jumps in.
"And the home interviews. Don't forget those."
I had forgotten them, but I'd done so entirely intentionally. I didn't want to have to consider how sparse my own video montage will look; they'll have interviewed my friends and family, supposedly, but who on earth would they interview? Who is there? Shasta? The thought actually makes me laugh, and Caleb glances at me in interest.
"What?"
I shake my head, but he persists, nudging me with his foot.
"Come on, what is it? You thinking of what they're gonna say?"
I shake my head again, smiling to myself. "Nope, not that."
"What then?" he insists, and I glance at him.
"Honestly? Not what they're gonna say, more who could they possibly find to say it."
I'm surprised that I've admitted it, and Caleb clearly is too as he looks taken aback. He looks so awkward I actually feel sorry for him, and then he clears his throat quickly.
"Trust me Ty, you're lucky. I hate to think what my family are gonna say."
He shudders at the thought, and he genuinely looks so horrified I can't help but laugh. We spend the rest of dinner amusing ourselves by imagining the embarrassing things his family will come out with, and before I know it Caleb is suggesting we get some sleep.
"Starting at the crack of dawn works well for us. I mean, I know you've pretty much only just woken up, but still…"
He trails off with a grin and I laugh, tossing a rabbit bone in his direction.
"And whose fault was that? You could have woken me up!"
"Na, I couldn't have done that," Caleb grins. "You looked far too angelic."
My face tugs into an awkward smile as I swiftly ignore the compliment.
"Well fortunately for you I am actually pretty tired. That climb was even harder than it looked."
I'm lying again; I'm not tired at all, but his promise from yesterday to make me tell more stories is dancing in my mind and I don't want to risk it. Sleep is the safest alternative to letting myself open my mouth again, so I follow suit as he removes any trace of our presence and we both head back inside the shelter.
"So do we actually have a plan for tomorrow?" I ask as we crawl inside, and Caleb shrugs.
"Don't look at me. You're the genius, I just work here."
I smile as I lay back, shoving my bag under my head as a pillow as I consider our options.
"It doesn't make sense for us to hunt the careers down, not when they've only just been hit. I think the best thing to do is wait a few days, let their lack of supplies really cripple them before we try and take them out."
I feel a small lurch at the idea of actually hunting down the careers, but I know it's our only option. We're so close to the end now, and knowing that the arena will push us all together eventually anyway has made me realise that we have to target our strongest opponents before that happens. Caleb nods as he shifts down beside me.
"Makes sense. So where does that leave us tomorrow?"
I let out a huff of air as I stare thoughtfully at the ceiling.
"Nowhere I guess. Get some food, move on before this shelter gets destroyed. You can build us a new one."
Caleb chuckles, rolling onto his side and wrapping his arms around my waist, pulling me towards him.
"New base. Gotcha. Your wish is my command."
I smile, shifting onto my side as I let him pull me into the sleeping position we adopted yesterday. Whilst I'm still not completely comfortable with it, my anxiety is nowhere near what it was before, and I'm forced to acknowledge that I find it as comforting as I do exhilarating.
"Talk to me, Ty," Caleb says suddenly, and I stiffen.
"What do you want me to say?" I ask, even though I already know.
"You know exactly. Tell me about you. Tell me more stories about your life, District 7."
I feel a knot of anxiety twisting in my stomach as my heart rate immediately lifts. Whatever madness took me over yesterday and compelled me to reveal all my innermost thoughts has gone, and now I can think of nothing worse.
"There's nothing else to tell you," I reply quickly, and Caleb chuckles.
"Sure there is," he whispers in my ear as he reaches out and softly traces his hand down a scar on my wrist. "How did you get that?"
I glance at the scar in surprise. "That? That was Asha. From 12."
I watch as Caleb follows the trail of the scar with his thumb, ignoring the tingle that runs through me.
"I can't believe anyone would get the best of you," Caleb says, and I shrug awkwardly.
"Not normally people. I used to have a bigger scar, right here, from where a tree got the best of me back in the District, but the Capitol blended it away."
I gesture to a point high on my elbow, and feel a little shiver as Caleb traces the spot with his fingertips.
"What happened with the tree?" he asks, and I twist my head slightly towards him.
"You really want to hear it?" I say, not even bothering to hide the incredulity from my tone, and he nods.
"I want to hear everything. It's fascinating, finding out what made you the way you are."
I turn my head back, facing forward as my heart races.
"What way am I?"
I almost don't want to ask, but I can't stop myself.
"Like I said, fascinating."
He laughs, his fingertips still dancing across my skin as he continues.
"Compelling. Intriguing. Unlike anyone else. Special."
Special. I think back to his words from before; how none of the girls in the District were special to him. Am I? I've never been special to anyone, my whole life, but I feel like being special to him would make up for all of it. I realise the silence is stretching out, that he's waiting for a response, and I quickly come up with the first thing that enters my head.
"Well I'm also tired."
Caleb laughs. "Don't give me that. You've already slept half the day."
"Climbing is pretty exhausting you know," I reply indignantly, and he chuckles, tightening his arms around my waist.
"Liar. Come on, you promised."
I bite my lip, trying to summon up the urge to talk, but I just can't do it.
"Tomorrow. I will tomorrow, I promise," I blurt eventually, and Caleb sighs, his breath warm on the back of my neck.
"Fine. But this time I'm holding you too it."
My breath hitches in my throat as he catches my hand in his, and I bite my lip at the familiar tingle as he entwines his fingers through mine. My skin prickles with awareness and I wonder if he feels it too; if he does he says nothing, and neither do I. Both of us are silent as I fall back on fake sleep, my only defence mechanism, and I soon hear the heavy, steady breathing in my ear that tells me he has succumbed to a sleep more real than mine. Only then do I allow myself to relax, shifting back slightly into Caleb's arms.
Now that he's asleep, any anxiety at being so close to him has vanished, and instead I find I'm relishing it. It's curious how quickly I've adapted to being this close to him, especially since, before him, I hadn't been close to anyone. But then, he isn't just anyone. He's Caleb. He's different, special, and I know it wouldn't have been the same with anyone else. That I wouldn't have wanted anyone else. I feel a sudden rush of fear at the idea that I may have been in here without him, that he may never have been mine, and as this feeling pulses through me I clutch tightly at his hands, pulling them to me, wanting to hold him close and never let go. I'm terrified of this thought, but even worse is the realisation of just how much it terrifies me, just how much I've realised I need him. I've never needed anyone. Until now.
As this realisation hits me I immediately hate the Capitol for bringing him here, for giving me a chance to meet him, to know him, and yet can't bear the thought that I never would have. I wish with all my heart that things were different, that we lived in a different world, that I had met him in my District. All I want to do is open my eyes and find that we are in the clearing, that he is with me, that he will always be there. But then, if he had been in the District, we would never have met, I know this for sure. I was too isolated, too cold, too furious with the world to speak to anyone. I could barely name more than a handful of people in my year, and even them I haven't spoken to; and besides, even if I did notice him, he wouldn't have spoken to me. I'm a Community kid, and the idea of friendly, handsome Caleb talking to me back at the District is laughable. No, it's certain that even if we were from the same place, we never would have spoken, been friends, connected like we have here.
It's a curious feeling, to be grateful to be in the games, but the knowledge that without them Caleb would be a stranger to me is giving me that feeling nonetheless. But then, what would be worse? To have never have had him or to have him and lose him, as I must now do? The idea of never having met him is unthinkable, but then at least I could still carry on oblivious, still believe that I didn't need him, didn't need anyone. As it is, I can't do that anymore. The Capitol have simultaneously given me the one thing I have ever cared about and taken it away, and in doing so proved that everything I have ever done up until now, my entire life, has been a misguided waste. By giving me Caleb, even for a moment, they have shown me what I could have had, what I missed out on my entire life, and if I do somehow survive the games then this is the message I will take away. I'll be left with the inherent loneliness of knowing I will never have him again, and worse than that; the realisation that the protective cage of isolation in which I chose to live my life was the wrong choice, that I could have had so much more. That my life has been a waste.
As the realisation washes over me I feel a knot of rage begin to form deep inside me. It's the same, slow burning fury I felt when I realised that the Capitol had stolen the creation of my mother, but this is even worse; as furious as I was before that they had managed to get into my mind, prove my thoughts wrong, what they've achieved here is enough to make me plummet into a pit of despair. Now not only have they managed to get inside my mind, steal my thoughts, but they've achieved the impossible; they've taken away from me that which I didn't even have. I lived my life in total exclusion, had literally nothing, and yet despite this they have still managed to take it from me. I remember thinking that I was the perfect choice to enter the games, as unlike all the girls in the District I had nothing to lose, nothing to mourn. And yet I was wrong.
I close my eyes, waiting for the wave of despair to wash over me, praying that it will, and once again finding myself marvelling the true power of the Capitol. Because this is how far they can reach, their true magnificent benevolence; even if you have nothing to lose, they can still find a way to take it from you.
