Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters or anything Harry Potter related, they are all the property of JK Rowling and her publishers. I don't mean any disrespect against her or the original story, I write for fun, no money is being made and no infringement of Copyrighted Work.
A/N: Here we are again! I hope you all are having a good week end and that you will enjoy this new chapter!
Any FOB fans out there (Ashley I mean you) could potentially find something in this chapter that they might recognise :)
Now, let the reading commence! :)
Chapter 44
The stag begun to roam the little patch of land closest to me, it was behaving so much less like a normal patronus and more like a real deer, wearily nibbling the ground with his lips but still proud as punch about his magnificent crown and handsome head. His relaxed attitude helped me regain some strength so I just opened up.
"I wish you could see this dad, that I could tell you everything directly, you and mum... I know I should be over it by now, that I should be used to all of this, that I shouldn't miss you like it was yesterday... but I do dad... even though I never got to know you... I miss what we could've had, what I never got, what other kids take for granted." Suddenly a giggle slipped past my lips. "I am sure you wouldn't approve of my choice of partner," I giggled again as the image of me bringing home Draco to my parents for the first time entered my head. "Well, I am sure you would have approved of me liking blokes but I am convinced you'd have a thing or two to say about my choice of guy." sadness struck again, I let out a long, strained, sigh. "I know you would have understood me though, I am sure of it… I need help dad… I cant handle all of this on my own, I need help… I want help… I just don't know how to ask for it, who to ask!" hopelessness welled up inside of me, it made me angry. "I CANT HANDLE THIS ON MY OWN!" I bellowed in to the dark. "Dad…" the stag moved his ears a little but kept on eating from the ground. "What if I do it again? What if I loose control and… and… what if I kill myself?" I paused for a long time, angrily wiping a tear from my cheek. "I cant do that to Draco… I need to be here for him, he really needs me, dad…" I ran my fingers frantically through my hair, trying to calm myself down.
"There is so much love within me, I could explode from all the feelings I have for Draco, and I so desperately want to be able to share it with you..." by the word love the stag turned its head and looked directly in to my eyes, held my gaze like he was listening intently, but the second I started sobbing it vanished. "No don't go, don't... leave me". There was no holding back when the beautiful stag disappeared in a haze of a shimmering white mist. All the fear, pain and panic that I had been bottling up inside of me for the last day or so simply poured out of me through tears and sobs. It wasn't the sexy kind of sobbing either, no, it was that kind where you're crying so hard that you can neither breath nor see, that kind of crying that children does when they are really upset, that kind of sobbing where you are more or less hyperventilating. I must have looked so unbelievably unattractive where I sat in my soaked through boxers, tears mixed with snot and dribble smeared across my face, alone.
"Harry?" Draco's soft but worried voice came towards me from somewhere in the direction of the tent. In fear I slapped my hand against my mouth, muffling the retching sounds, with my shoulders still shaking uncontrollably. "Harry?!" he called my name a fair lot louder this time. "HARRY!?" he shouted for all he was worth. I wanted to call back, so he could come over, take me in his arms, hold me, hug me, rock me from side to side, tell me that everything was going to be okay. But I didn't, because I didn't want him to see me in the state I was, I was ashamed of how I had reacted, ashamed that I had been pouring my heart out to a patronus, I was a wimp. "HARRY WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU!?" I could tell he was panicking, how could I do this to the boy I loved more than anything, more than anyone?
"I'm here…" I said in a low voice. "Lumos…" the tip of my wand lit up, I waved it lamely from side to side, hoping this would catch Draco's attention. And it did.
"Oh Harry! I was so worried! I thought the death eaters had followed us or something and captured you, and, and… and…" he fell down on to the ground, on his knees he wrapped his arms around me. "what's happened?" he looked at my tear and snot soaked face and I could see another shadow of worry sweep across his beautiful face.
"I don't really know… I think I had a break down…" I felt how my face started to burn and I was sure it had turned scarlet. Draco didn't say anything only pulled at my arms, looking for fresh cuts.
"I am not like you," I giggled. Relief shone in my boyfriend's eyes when all he found were my dark scarring from the incident at the burrow.
"Yeah… right!" he smiled, wiped some mess off my face with the sleeve of his shirt, and pressed his lips against mine. "I love you Harry."
"I love you too Draco."
"Do you want to tell me what's up?" Draco's tone wasn't harsh, angry or demanding, he offered me the option to tell him what the fuck I have been up to out here or simply leave it be. I didn't really want to tell him, I felt so pathetic, although he deserved some kind of explanation at least.
"I am scared I am going to off myself... there is so much boiling beneath the surface just waiting for a chance to erupt..." I burrowed my face in to my boyfriends shoulder and some of the sobbing commenced.
"Harry... ahh Harry..." I wasn't sure, but it sounded like Draco was smiling, he sort of resembled an old man as he tutted my name repeatedly. "We're young! Its completely normal! I mean, for gods sakes! We're like young volcanoes!" he laughed lightly and kissed my head.
"When did you become such a psychologist?" I sniffled in to his shirt. "And you know what I mean... you know its more than teenage hormones... something is wrong with me... and I am scared, scared that I will loose it one day and..."
"We're going to die at some point Harry, it's just a matter of time... I know you're having a tough time right now, and I am not just saying it for the sake of trying to comfort you. I am saying this because I know, I've been there... I am here... with you. Hard times come, good times go...I'm either going to be gone in an instant, or stay here til the bitter end, I.. I never know... but I guess that's what makes it so intriguing as well babe... and since I met you, I know that I want to stick around. Yes, I do fall to the temptation of induced pain, because that kind of pain is a pain I can control, compared to anything else happening in life, and it makes me feel more alive... Hurting myself is like a drug, my favourite drug, I guess its like being high. I know you have to vent sometimes, and that you're scared you might take it one step too far, just remember Harry... I love you, and for as long as I live, I am here for you, whenever you need it."
"I am so sorry..." was all I could get out, still sobbing frenetically. Draco didn't say anything, only hugged me tightly to his chest.
"Should we go back inside?" he offered me his hand, I took it and we walked back to the tent.
Draco and I spend the rest of the night in each others arms. We had gathered a bunch of duvets, dragged them to the fireplace and simply enjoyed being together, alone.
The following morning I pretended last night didnt happen, well, the sex and all I left bobbing on the surfaced although the rest I tried to drown at the bottom of my mind, I was genuinely ashamed. Draco seemed to sense how I was intentionally being extra happy and cheerful so he tactically walked in circles around the real issue and what had happened outside of the tent last night.
"Draaacooo..." came a voice from outside the tent, I didn't recognise the voice but judging from Draco's reaction he did. He had frozen to the ground, eyes wide open, mouth half ajar and he didn't seem to be breathing.
TBC,
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