Chapter 55 – Ella
The next morning
I sat anxiously at the edge of the sofa, curled up slightly and shaking in fear. I don't know why I was shaking, but I couldn't stop shaking no matter how long I tried to still my hand. I'll be honest, I could guess why I was shaking, and it was to do with the hospital appointment I had in ninety two minutes (I wasn't counting down). You would have thought the sheer amount of time I was in and out of hospitals for the last few weeks I would be immune, if you will, to hospitals. But hell no, the fear still stayed and was even intensified this time around because the tests I was due to undertake wouldn't just affect my life.
I pulled my shirt down over my stomach a bit more, half self conscious but also fed up on how it kept riding up when I kept shaking. I didn't go for fashion today – or ever, really – but went for comfort instead. This morning, a lot of time had gone into my look simply to take my mind of the daunting task that lied ahead of me today. I had gone for a pair of dark blue skinny jeans, a black marl baggy shirt and my usual baggy hoody that is actually Joe's. But the hoody that I always found comfort in did next to nothing at this precise second. I hunched over even further, curling up into myself with my legs against my chest and my head on my knees. Normal people are excited for days like this, but not me. I was a quivering wreck.
As I thought the last thought, I could hear Joe who had just come out of the bathroom from his shower. I could call him, I thought. He probably would be able to calm me down but I didn't want to be a burden – for he was more excited about this than I was at the moment. I couldn't put a downer on his day because I was anxious. I'm not that mean. Instead, I just curled up even smaller, pushing my head on my legs so hard hoping that my brain what shut up with its intensive and obsessive bullshit.
'How formal are we going, hun? Like jeans or – what's wrong?' Joe said, walking around the corner of our flat to see me curled into a ball on the side of the sofa. He quickly sat down beside me, putting his arm immediately around my back and pulling me in and I couldn't hold back the tears anymore. Embarrassingly, I started to cry still shaking. 'Hun, what's up?' Joe asked.
'I'm scared,' is all I could whisper, crying as he gently pulled me onto his lap, one hand around my waist pulling me in for a hug and rubbing my arm attempting to calm me down, the other in my hair. He gently tried to shush me in a compassionate way and even though it had no immediate effect, I felt a lot calmer knowing that he was there for me. I rested my head against his completely exposed shoulder as he played with my hair. We sat there for another ten or so minutes, until I had completely stopped crying. 'Why you scared?' He asked simply, grabbing the blanket/throw off the back of the settee and wrapping it around us both.
'About today.' I simply said, and Joe smiled down at me sadly. He gently leaned forward and kissed me softly.
'There's nothing to be scared about. You know what will happen, don't you?' He asked me softly, and I nodded. These tests are known to be in films and every TV show. I knew the procedure – it was the result I was scared about.
'What if something isn't right? What if –' I said, looking up at Joe. I never realised how quickly you could fall in love with your Soulfinder, but we've only known each other properly for a month, and it's been just over three and a half months since we first met. My brothers who have been fortunate to find their Soulfinder's all told of how quickly they fell in love and how much it shocked them, but I thought they were over exaggerating. But now I knew they meant every word they said. I couldn't imagine spending another day without Joe.
'Stop with the what if's, El, I highly doubt there will be something wrong.'
'Promise?' I muttered, and Joe gave me the slight look he always gives me when in a good way he feels sorry for me. Not a good way, but he understands that I can't help the way I feel sometimes, and rather than telling me harshly to get over it there must be short cuts around it to help me feel less anxious. Honestly, when people always spoke about their Soulfinder, such as family and so on, they always said how happy they would be together. But it just left me stumped. I thought I would be unlovable – with the anxious and depressed part of me. Hardly anyone knows how to deal with that side of me, so I keep it hidden. Which works within short time periods. However, when I told Joe when night, I was scared he was just going to leave me. Instead, he just told me it doesn't change anything about me. That night, we discussed the ways I get around it and ever since then he's known exactly what to do when I get myself in such an anxious state that I can't stop shaking such as now.
'Of course, I doubt anything will be wrong cupcake, I promise you that. And if something is wrong, we'll work around it and discuss it through, but that's worst case scenario. Nothing bad will happen,' He mumbled, as I slid off his lap and sat next to him, completely curled up into his frame. Joe knows I prefer having the "worst case scenario" approach rather than reassurance nothing can go wrong approach. He curled up slightly up to me, pushing his wet hair out of his face and I realised he didn't even get changed and was still in just his towel. 'Nothing will go wrong, hun.' He said in a low tone, putting his free hand around my waist to hold my back.
The results of today's test will literally change our lives forever, and whilst I was a quivering wreck with nerves Joe remained calm as anything. He seemed almost excited, but hid it to make me feel better.
'I love you,' I mumbled, curling up into him even further. I was literally like a cat.
'I love you, too. Come on, let's go get me changed.' He said, getting up and pulling me up as he did, and I smiled slightly thankful he didn't just leave me in Cornwall when he had the chance. Because if he did, then what would I do when I found myself in this scenario?
I sat in the passenger seat of the blue Focus that Joe drove up from Cornwall as it was technically insured under both of us. Legs up to my chest, head flopped against the window I watched as residential street after residential street flew past the window as we drove closer and closer to the Royal Berkshire Hospital. I knew this part of town very well, having grown up near Reading before the crash, and having Michael live around here when we were both teens also helped to aid my memory. If I was correct, we could be coming up and around the ward we needed to go to in less than three minutes. I tried to breathe a bit slower to calm my beating heart but to little avail. Normally, I hate people driving for me but I knew Joe would drive safely and there was no way I could drive safely when in this state. He gently put his hand on my knee as we waited at a traffic light. I could feel every second dragging. Is it normal to fear an ultrasound this much? Because I did.
'How are you feeling?' Joe said, looking over at me with his bright green eyes shining. Whilst his hair was still damp and dark brown from his shower, it was also kind of poofy at the same time, giving him a young kid effect.
'Eh,' I simply said. 'Can we go Nando's after this?' I asked, and he laughed.
'Yeah, why not. The Oracle one?' He simply asked, changing the gear of the car as the light turned from orange to green and the traffic started flowing again. He pulled up the car into the closest lane to the massive hospital, indicating into the car park for the maternity ward and I started to shake again. What if this all went tits up? Joe seemed so excited when he found out I was pregnant and so was I but I was still terrified. I could only blame myself if this went all wrong because I was to ignorant to notice what my body was trying to tell me. I mean, I realise when laying awake last night that I could have been classed to have morning sickness with the amount of times I threw up before we were sent down to Cornwall and how I constantly felt sick. I thought I just really fancies some foods but it could have been cravings and I was a lot more emotional and snappy. That's pretty weird. However, there was still little to no bump. I was literally flat. There was nothing there. Not even kidding, nothing. A pancake would have more bumps than I do at this time. And not only that, everything that happened in Cornwall happened whilst I was pregnant. I'm not overly medical, but I can guarantee that being bombed and burning your legs and knocking yourself out for nearly three days wouldn't be good for the baby. And I think that was why I was an anxious mess, because I probably fucked it up for the baby before I even knew. I watched as Joe parked, my fears intensifying and looked at the clock realising we were half an hour early for the appointment.
'Are we early so you can force me into the building when I decide I don't want to go?' I asked, and Joe laughed.
'I wouldn't say forced, let's say coax you into the building.' He joked. 'How are you feeling, though?'
'Scared. Nervous.'
'Why?'
'I'm scared I messed it up for our kid before I even realised I was pregnant.' I owned up to him, and he pulled a face.
'You haven't messed it up, hun, why do you say that?'
'I didn't know for God knows how long. It's been what, fifteen weeks since the party. God knows what I've done since then. I've been flying since then – that probably isn't good. I don't think I've drunk, but if I have I'm a terrible human. I was wreckless in Cornwall and I'm not going to make the best of impressions to your family, am I? You can be all like "hey, this is my Soulfinder she's also pregnant" and then it'll make me look like a slut -' I started ranting, but was cut off by Joe kissing me softly. He pulled away a few seconds later; hand gently on my waist, his eyes brimming with concern.
'Ella, you have been over thinking for a long time, haven't you?' He simply asked, and I looked at the car floor embarrassed. 'People always fly when they're pregnant, and you can fly up to 36 weeks because it's fine. And I don't think you've had any alcohol since the party simply because of how drunk we got. It was horrendous. I was hung over for four days and that's definitely put me off. Also, I don't think you're much of a drinker hun; you didn't drink anything in Cornwall and probably when you were at Michael's because he doesn't drink either so it was just when you were back in Colorado and I doubt you did drink then, so don't worry about that. And yeah, okay, we were reckless in Cornwall but we found out after when you were in hospital, after everything happened remember? They said then the baby was fine. Also, my family won't think you're a slut. You know most of my family and you're closer to half of them than I am. You've met most of them, they all love you. They'll be supportive if we have this baby. If not, fuck them. It can just be me, you, and the baby if you want. It's all up to you, but I'll be with you every step of the way.' Joe explained, drawing little patterns on my knee but never once breaking eye contact. He wasn't lying. He believed every word he said, and I just slowly nodded. What he said did seem to be very truthful.
'Sorry,' I said, wiping away a tear as he got out the car. I had no idea where he was going, until my door opened beside me and he crouched down and gently touched my stomach.
'Why are you apologising. You can't help the way you feel, so don't apologise for it. I don't see you apologising for having blonde hair or no boobs or the most beautiful eyes – things that you can't help, so don't apologise for the way you feel.' Joe said sweetly, as he wiped away a tear. I leant forward and gently kissed him, thankful for everything he's done. In Cornwall, he made sure I didn't lose my mind and made sure I took care of myself, something I would not have done if he didn't keep pestering me to do.
I have a weird habit of never eating until people near enough force me to eat, or push me to do social tasks. When we were told we were going to have to spend a month in a safe base with each other I honestly assumed it would just be a month for me to sit in my room and go on Tumblr, occasionally surfacing to go down to the beach or to the shops. I never thought it would lead to us discovering we were Soulfinder's and then have the best 18 days that either of us have ever had. I didn't tell Joe at the time how much I appreciate him cooking for me, taking me out, running baths and everything in fear he would realise how pathetic I was, but when we went on the run from hotel to hotel, I told him. Ever since then, he's been doing it subtly until I was okay enough to do simple things by myself. He's become my guardian angel even when he didn't notice it. He saved me out the grey existence of lacking a Soulfinder, but also out of depression again and I could never repay him.
'Come on then, let's get you out of his car.' He said, leaning over to undo the belt and pulling me out of the car, holding me with one arm around my shoulders, he quickly slammed the door and locked it before walking me to the building.
'Can you do all the talking?' I mumbled, embarrassed.
'Of course,' He mumbled back, looking around. It's been a while since we left Cornwall, but we still had our paranoid tendencies.
'Thanks.' I rested my head against his chest for a second, and felt him kiss my head.
Fifteen minutes, we were sitting in the waiting room as Joe filled in the paperwork for me, my hand shaking too much for me to write in block capitals. I watched him fill in row after row, amazed how much he's remembered. I laughed as it came to the "full name" category, and watched him deliberate over writing "Ella" or "Eleanor".
It's still Eleanor. I told him, laughing as he pulled a face at me as he wrote it down.
I thought you'd kill me if I wrote Eleanor. That is what you said. He joked.
I will, this one time I'll let you off. He smiled, as he continued the form flawlessly. I scanned all the woman in this room, noticing all of them had some form of baby bump compared to pancake me. Joe, have you noticed I am the smallest in the room?
Bump wise, or height? Because I noticed both. I elbowed him in the ribs as he laughed, but put his arm around my shoulders again, the weight becoming familiar where he's done it so many times.
Is that normal, though?
Leannah wasn't very big at all until the end and she had twins. Don't worry about it. Joe said, handing the clipboard to the nurse who approached him, smiling and replying to the questions she asked. I heard her say something about how the midwife was ready for us and started panicking again, but Joe took my hand and gently walked me into the small room.
The room wasn't too small, so I was lying a bit. It was big enough to fit one of those lying down bed things, the machine, three chairs to one side and the other one that had some more machines as well as the screen. This was literally the set up in every film.
'Hello, Ella, Joe, I'm Dr. Karanine, your midwife for the next few months. How are you feeling, Ella?' She asked, shaking my hand. The midwife was in late twenties, I would say, with a smooth sleek of brown hair down to her shoulders and soft brown eyes and I knew she was genuine and passionate about her job. I could also trust her entirely. I frowned at her, though, turning my head wondering how I recognised her name. I looked down at her name badge to see her first name was Monica. Monica Karanine – she's a Savant. Most definitely a Savant. I remember seeing her name in the database.
'Okay,' I mumbled, stepping backwards until Joe was behind me. He was like my human shield. 'You're a Savant, aren't you?' I asked her, and my boyfriend poked me in my side.
'Ella, behave. Sorry about that.' Joe said politely, almost to balance out the shock of my question on her.
'It's fine, but yeah I am. How do you know that?' Dr Karanine didn't seem too bothered but was more shocked that we knew. 'Wait, I thought I recognised your name. You're not part of the Benedict's family as in the ones in Colorado, are you? And the Matthew's family?' She asked me and then Joe, and we both just nodded. 'And you two are...' He mumbled, and we nodded again.
'Wow, talk about a power couple. That's so cute, though, congratulations. But we're here for a scan, correct?' Dr Karanine asked, sitting back down in the chair by the screen.
'Yeah,' Joe said, gently pushing me to sit on the weird bed thingy. Clearly he had more of an idea what to do in this situation than I did. Following his lead, I jumped up onto the bed onto the weird scratchy blue paper they always put across these beds.
'And do you have any idea how far along you are, Ella?' She asked me, but I looked straight over to Joe to answer for me, my mind not forming the coherent words. Joe looked at me for half a second, picking up on my thoughts and answered for me.
'Honestly, we had no idea she was pregnant until a few weeks ago after the Cornwall thing which I'm sure you've heard about if you were a Savant, but we're guessing about fifteen weeks,' Joe explained for me as I smiled at him. How did I deal with everything before I met him? Oh right, I probably didn't deal with it too well. Sounds about right.
'That's cool, okay Ella can you just lift your shirt slightly for me.' I did as she said, as she pulled out a bottle of that weird jelly shit. 'This will be cold, okay?' She said, and I nodded again as she poured a tiny bit of the jelly on my flat stomach (still no bump – something has got to be wrong, right?) as Joe came over, holding my hand slightly as he sensed my panic again.
'Okay, and let's find your baby. Now where is baby hiding? Wait, there we go,' She said, pulling up an image on the screen, and I could only just about see the outline of our kid and I smiled. Joe tightened his grip on my hand. 'Well, you are about fifteen weeks, but there is nothing wrong I can see with your child, baby is perfectly healthy and there is nothing wrong with your kid. So, you're going to need to call up in the like two weeks to book an appointment for five weeks time from now, and I'm just going to print off a few copies of your scan, just give me a second.' And she left the room as both Joe and I stared mesmerised at the screen, at our baby.
'Holy shit,' I mumbled under my breath, shocked that one drunken night could lead to all of this.
'I told you there was nothing wrong,' Joe said, and I looked over at him smiling. Honestly, with all the things we've been through together in the last few months, most of which a normal couple would never go through in their lifetime, this was one of the best and most spectacular things that could have happened to either of us. Joe's face was completely lit up, and he was smiling a goofy smile.
'What do we do now, then?' I sat up, grabbing a tissue from the side to wipe of their freezing jelly and put my shirt back down, before jumping off the bed. Joe came up to me, wrapping his arms around my waist looking down at me the whole time. He could not stop smiling.
'I did say we can get a Nando's.' He joked, leaning down to kiss me.
We sat down at our tables in the Riverside Nando's in the Oracle shopping centre in the middle of Reading. The Nando's was fairly busy and we had to wait ten minutes to be seated, and the wait for food was about half an hour as well but we didn't mind – we had enough to talk about. We were placed to seat in the basement of the place which had been converted to what looked like a similar style to a four star restaraunt, real flowers in glass vases with Crystal beads stay next to the peri peri salt shakers, with the table number "55" in the middle. Joe and I had sat on opposite sides of the table, the ultrasound of the baby resting in the middle of the table too as both of us looked at it mesmerised. I was so relieved that the baby was completely fine. No signs of any deformities or illnesses from my lack of knowledge and lack of prenatal care either. Dr. Karanine came back in and said the scan looked more like sixteen weeks but it was a small baby to start with which wouldn't be a shock because of how small I was. She said in comparison it would be like a goat giving birth to a cow; anatomically it wouldn't work. Small people, small babies. So about sixteen weeks pregnant – which lined up absolutely perfectly with the party. I suppose it answered the question of did we sleep with each other, then.
'Are you finding this hard to believe – like that's our baby?' Joe whispered, his legs knocking against mine. 'That's our kid. We made that.'
'I'm glad you can do biology, Joe. We did make that.' I laughed and he rolled his eyes when smiling. 'Do you still think it's a girl – I won't be pissed, just tell me.'
'Yeah, I keep seeing you with a baby girl in like the a few months time – it's hard to tell when but there is snow so I guess it's in winter which lines up with the due date.'
18th January.
'So we're having a girl?'
'Don't place any money on it, but I'm fairly confidence we are.' Joe whispered holding my hand. 'I love you, Ella, so much.'
'I love you too,' I whispered back choking up. 'Can I blame me crying on hormones?' I laughed, wiping away a tear.
'I'll allow that.' He laughed back, leaning across the table to wipe away another tear. 'Guess we have to start planning everything, then?'
'Yeah – can we do that at home and not in the middle of Nando's?'
'Good idea,' Joe joke as the waitress brought over our food. Joe quickly slid the ultrasound back into it's paper wallet and put it in my backpack which he refused to let me carry because of the weight of it but I noticed he hadn't stopped smiling since the scan was done.
