Disclaimer: I own Jess, Allen, and Steve. Dick owns Olivia, Alex, Casey, and the entire SVU squad. It's very sad, and extremely unfortunate, I know, but that's the way life goes sometimes.
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"Hey, m…um, m-mom?" Julia asked hesitantly as she made her way downstairs and towards the kitchen. She walked very slowly, trying to take up as much time as she could. This wasn't a conversation that was going to be easy for her to have, and she had picked up the nasty habit of trying to prolong the inevitable. It was amazing though, that she was now starting to call Casey mom. She couldn't remember ever calling anybody mom – her parents had died when she was only two – so this was a new thing for her. She still called her Casey on occasion, but usually she was able to call her mom.
Casey looked up and smiled warmly when she saw Julia standing in the doorway of the kitchen. It was difficult to see her looking so nervous, but she kept her warm smile glued on her face and prayed it helped make Julia feel a little more comfortable. Besides, Julia was calling her mom. She had definite reason to smile now. She always got a warm and fuzzy feeling whenever she heard Julia call her mom. It was still pretty early in the morning for Julia to be up, but the child occasionally woke up earlier than most twelve-year-olds ever did. She decided to shrug it off for the time being and try to make pleasant and positive conversation. Hopefully Julia would talk about the reasons she was awake at five in the morning. "Good morning!" she said excitedly, hoping her enthusiasm would rub off on Julia. "Would you like an omelette before you head off to school?"
"No thanks," Julia said softly. "I'm not really hungry."
"You should at least try to eat something. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day." Casey frowned as she looked over at Julia, who was now sitting at the table, staring blankly across the room. Her eyes looked so empty right now. It was a difficult thing to witness. She grabbed a banana – Julia's favorite fruit – and sat down next to her. "Hey," she said softly, peeling the skin off of half of the banana and handing it to Julia. "What's wrong?"
Julia took the banana and bit off a small piece. "Allen's back," she said hurriedly and with obviously fake happiness, trying to muster as much enthusiasm as she possibly could. "And Olivia and Alex are getting married in just under three weeks! The twins are getting bigger and healthier everyday. Everybody's –"
"Honey, shh," Casey whispered gently. Julia was obviously hiding something. She was speaking a mile a minute and talking about anything she could think of that wasn't what she really needed to be talking about. She held Julia's hand and squeezed gently. "It's okay, Jules. You can talk to me. What's going on, sweetie?"
Julia looked up, her eyes full of fear as she felt Casey squeeze her hand again. It was no wonder she was slowly becoming more and more comfortable calling Casey mom. Whenever she met Casey's eyes, all she saw was love and compassion. Casey really, truly loved her. She swallowed hard and took a deep breath. "Is…is Steve mad that – that I haven't called him dad yet?"
"What?" Casey asked, shocked and caught completely off guard by the question. "Of course he's not mad. He loves you, Jules. What happened that made you think he's mad at you?"
"I really want to call him dad, really I do. He's so nice to me, and I know he loves me as much as you do. I know he's safe and he'd never hurt me. I trust him. I just…I don't even know why I can't call him dad yet. He's doing so much for me…why can't I just do this one thing?"
Casey had to try hard to fight the tears as she listened to Julia's words. To hear her explain how she desperately wanted to call Steve dad was relieving, but it still hurt to see her like this. "You're going through a lot right now, Jules. I know how hard it is for you to trust men, and believe me, you've got some very good reasons for that. I think it'll just take a little time before you're really ready." She looked down at Julia and tried to study her expression, but didn't really get anywhere.
"I had a nightmare," she admitted softly several minutes later. "I dreamed that I called you mom and you were really, really happy about it. You hugged me and you had a really big smile on your face. Then I called him Steve and he got really upset. He kept yelling that if I was going to call you mom then I should call him dad. I tried to tell him that I was still scared and that I wanted to call him dad, I just wasn't ready yet. He just kept screaming and I was so scared and you were crying and he was yelling and –"
"It's okay," Casey interrupted softly, wrapping her arms around Julia and pulling her close. Julia was so upset she was starting to hyperventilate and Casey needed to calm her down quickly. This happened more often than Casey would like – Julia getting so worked up that she started struggling to catch her breath – and she hated that the child was in so much pain. "It's okay, honey," she said, her voice calm and soothing as she gently rocked her daughter back and forth. "It's okay, I promise."
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Alex wandered into the office nearly twenty minutes late. She was worried that Casey was going to go off on a huge, long lecture, preaching about how it looks bad when she's the only one in the office twenty minutes after everyone else was supposed to arrive. It wasn't technically her fault, though. She and Olivia had gotten slightly carried away in a rather heated kissing match after breakfast and she had lost track of time. Olivia had been caressing her lips so wonderfully that it had completely slipped her mind that she had to go in to work until it was too late. "Casey, I am so sorry I'm late. I lost track –" she stopped as soon as she stepped foot in the office. Casey was sitting at her desk, elbows on the desk with her forehead resting on her hands. "Case, what's wrong?"
Casey looked up and quickly tried to dry her tears. She hated it when other people saw her crying. "It's nothing," she said hurriedly, trying to divert the conversation in another direction. She wasn't really in the mood to talk about the conversation she'd had with Julia earlier that morning. "How are you? You know how bad it looks when I'm the only one in here. You have a good excuse for being late?"
"Not really," Alex joked lightly, then pulled her chair over next to Casey and placed a hand on her back. Casey was looking pretty upset, and she was worried. "You don't have to talk if you don't want to Case. I just want to make sure you're okay."
"I think so," she said softly, managing a small smile as she looked gratefully at Alex. "Thanks."
Alex patted her back gently and pulled her chair back over to her desk. She could tell that Casey wasn't really in the mood to talk at the moment, and she knew better than to try to push her. She would talk if and when she was ready to. Deciding some good news would probably help cheer Casey up, she smiled proudly and tilted her head to the side. "I got a call from Warren's lawyer yesterday."
"You look way too happy about hearing from him. That guy's a total asshole."
Alex shrugged. "He is an asshole. Usually I'm pretty tempted to rip the phone from the wall whenever I hear is voice coming from the other end."
"But this time was different?"
"Yep."
"How?"
Alex smiled. "He told me that Jennings stopped denying he had sex with all three of the girls."
Casey furrowed her eyebrows. "In exchange for what?"
"Apparently nothing."
"Seriously?"
"He said Jennings finally figured out that it was in his best interest to stop lying and just tell the truth." Alex felt herself getting more and more excited as she spoke to Casey about this. "Not that it's really going to matter anyway. Jennings is so old that even if he cooperates throughout the rest of the investigation, he's still going to rot in jail until the day he dies."
Casey felt relief washing over her as she realized this case was slowly becoming more and more a guaranteed win. She didn't want to get her hopes up too quickly, but things were definitely moving in the right direction. "This means more paperwork for you though."
"Hey, if the only way I can make everyone's lives easier is to fill out a bajillion forms and files, then bring 'em on." She smiled and straightened a stack of papers on her desk. "He's still vehemently denying he had any sexual contact with Julia, so she's going to have to testify. He's admitted to raping Grace and Abigail though, so at least that's something."
"Yeah," Casey said sadly. She frowned as she looked at the picture on her desk. It had been taken a few weeks after Julia had moved in with her and Steve. They were all sitting on a park bench and smiling happily. "It's just not fair."
"No, it's not," Alex agreed softly. "It's not fair. But it is what it is. I promise you, Case, I am going to do everything I possibly can to make sure Julia's trial goes as quickly and smoothly as possible." She looked over at Casey and was slightly disconcerted to see the woman not even look up from the picture she was staring at. "Are you sure you're okay, Case?"
"Not really," Casey admitted softly, only partially aware that she'd even uttered those words. She was too busy staring at the picture and tracing the frame with her fingers. She loved Julia more than she thought she could possibly love another human being – with the exception, of course, of Steve – and knowing how much the child was hurting right now nearly killed her. "I love her so much," she whispered. "She's in so much pain and there's nothing I can do to take that pain away. Nothing I do seems to make any difference."
"Casey, you know that's not true," Alex said firmly. She put her papers back in their respective files and walked over to Casey's desk. She stood next to the woman and admired the picture with her. "Look at that smile on her face," Alex said, almost in a demanding voice. When Casey looked away and closed her eyes, Alex knelt beside her and repeated herself. "Look at her, Casey. Look at how happy she is in that picture. Do you have any idea how much of a role you played in getting her to smile like that?" She leaned her head onto Casey's shoulder and gently nudged her. "You're doing so much for her, Case." She took a deep breath and finally managed to meet Casey's eyes. "I know a lot of what she's feeling. I've been through a lot of what she's been through. I know what it's like to have to testify against someone who hurt you. It's a terrifying place to be, but it's so much less terrifying when you're surrounded by people who love you." She paused for a second and smiled warmly. "Please believe me when I say this. You are helping her. You are helping her so much more than you could possibly imagine. You are showing her unconditional love. You are letting her cry when she needs to, you're not blaming her, you're showing her that life really can be beautiful. You are helping her."
Casey sniffled and rubbed her face with her hands. She closed her eyes and took a few deep, slow breaths. "Thank you," she managed to say before having to take a few more deep breaths to calm down. She swallowed hard and looked back up at Alex. "Thank you," she said again. "You're a great friend, Alex. I…I don't think I'd be able to do this without you."
Alex blushed and stood back up. "Yeah, well, there's a hell of a lot that I wouldn't have been able to get through if it hadn't been for you." She sat back down at her desk and stared at the files in front of her, but just could not muster the motivation to start filling out the necessary information. She looked up and smiled. "What do you say we go grab a bite to eat, huh? My treat."
"I think that sounds nice. I didn't really eat much breakfast today."
"What are you in the mood for?"
"Honestly, I think I want a huge, juicy burger."
Alex laughed. "Then the burger joint down the street it is."
"You sure you're up for treating me to lunch? I can pay my own way."
"You paid for lunch last time. It's my turn."
Casey rolled her eyes and grabbed her purse. "Okay. I guess I can let you buy me a burger."
"And a coke and fries."
"Fine. And a coke and fries."
"Come with me my dear," Alex joked, leading Casey out of the office and down the hall. They walked into the elevator and smiled, glad that they were the only ones on it. "You're a good mom," Alex said gently. "Don't doubt yourself so much."
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"I booked us a room by the park where Alex and Olivia are getting married," Jess said excitedly as she walked into the living room and found Allen trying to feed both twins at once. "Let me help you with that."
"Oh, thanks," he said quickly as he handed her Christopher and Christopher's bottle. It had looked so easy when he started, but feeding the two of them at once was proving to be a rather difficult task.
"Come here, you," she said happily as she took Christopher from Allen and held him in one arm. She put the bottle close to his mouth and he happily began sucking from it. "I can't believe you're nearly four months old now. Time flies by so quickly."
"So," he said, eager to hear all about the hotel. He shifted Alexa as he leaned against the couch. For some reason – one which he hadn't yet figured out – it was easier to sit on the floor and lean against the couch while feeding the twins rather than doing it while sitting on the couch. "Did you get us a nice hotel?"
"You'd better believe I did!" she said excitedly. "It's absolutely gorgeous. Casey, Steve, and Julia have a two-bedroom suite next door, so that's a plus. We've only got one bedroom, but it's still a suite." She picked up Chriss and held him up to burp him, smiling proudly when he let out a big one. "Atta boy!" she encouraged him happily. "Anyways, we'll need to bring something for these guys to sleep in. Either that or we let them sleep between us. It is a king bed after all."
He raised his eyebrows in surprise. "You booked us a room with a king-sized bed?"
"Yep. And it has a large whirlpool tub with six jets. We have a private balcony looking over a large lake. There's a full-sized kitchen. Our bedroom's gorgeous and the main area's not too bad either. We're not ever going to want to leave."
"That sounds wonderful," he said, burping Alexa. He smiled as he did so, glad that she had taken the entire bottle. He remembered how small and frail she was when she was born. He'd left before ever having the chance to even hold her. Jess really had done a great job getting the twins healthy. He put Alexa down on her blanket and rubbed her stomach. "I can't believe I actually ran away from this. I can't believe I almost missed out on this."
Jess finished burping Christopher and put him down next to Alexa. "You did run away," she said sadly. "But you also came back." She smiled and rested her head on his shoulder. "You came back."
He wrapped his arm around her shoulders and leaned his head against hers. "I'm so sorry I left you alone for so long." He squeezed her gently and kissed her forehead. "You need to know that you did a great job getting these two healthy though. You did everything right, Jess. You did everything right."
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"Olivia, would you like to share anything with the group today?" Sarah asked after another woman had finished telling her story. It was Olivia's third time in the group meeting, and she had yet to say a single word to anybody. Everyone was being very warm and friendly, encouraging her to move at her own pace.
She looked up and tried to smile at everyone sitting around her. They all looked like such brave, strong women. She felt so weak next to all of them. "Um, I guess so," she finally managed to say.
"Good," Sarah said softly, trying to encourage Olivia to speak. "Whenever you're ready."
Olivia nodded and took a deep breath. "I, um…I just has my um, my double mastectomy about four months ago." She wasn't sure if she was comfortable sharing with everybody that she was gay, but at the same time, she wouldn't be able to tell much about how she had treated Alex without giving it away. "It's been pretty hard. There are some days where I cannot possibly understand how anybody could look at me and think I'm beautiful. Then there are others when I'm feeling pretty okay." She smiled and sniffled a little. "I like those days."
"Those are the good ones," one woman spoke up.
"Yeah," Olivia said softly. "They're becoming more and more frequent for me, especially since my…" she hesitated, but decided she didn't need to be keeping secrets from the group. She was who she was and she was damned proud to be with Alex. There was no reason she should have to hide it now. "My girlfriend always makes sure to tell me how beautiful I am and how much she still loves me. She's the reason I'm still standing strong today."
The room was silent, though it wasn't an uncomfortable silence. Everyone was smiling proudly at Olivia and nodding in understanding as she talked about her struggles. It was obvious that they were all going through the same thoughts and feelings, and it definitely helped to hear that others were going through the same things – that they weren't alone.
"Thank you, Olivia," Sarah said, smiling proudly at Olivia. She was relieved that the woman finally felt comfortable divulging what she was feeling. That was the first step towards a true recovery. "It's helpful to have such a strong support system at home as well."
"That I've got," Olivia said happily, feeling the tears that were forming in her eyes as she thought about just how wonderful Alex was to her. "That I've definitely got."
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"So our hotel room's all booked and ready to go?" Casey asked anxiously as she walked into the house. She'd gotten a last minute call from Elliot, begging her to get a warrant signed before tomorrow, so she was later getting home than she'd originally planned. Luckily, even though she'd been so upset this morning, Julia was okay with being alone with Steve for the short period of time it would take for Casey to get the warrant signed. Casey was proud of her for that. She set her bags down and sat down on the couch. "You got us a two-bedroom suite?"
"I got it," Steve assured her happily, dishing out some dinner and carrying it out to her. He could tell that she was exhausted, and he was happy to take care of her. "It's a two-bedroom suite next door to Jess and Allen's room. It's a beautiful suite. Julia will have her own room so she'll be comfortable. We'll have our own room so we can…do whatever we want," he teased playfully.
She laughed and placed her hand on his thigh. "Mmmm, I like the sound of that."
"Yeah? What kind of stuff do you plan on doing with me? Keep in mind that our daughter will be able to hear pretty much everything we do. I do not want to scar that child with our wild hot monkey sex."
"Wild hot monkey sex, huh?"
He nodded. "Oh yeah. You scream pretty loud when we're getting it on."
Her eyes widened and she smacked his thigh. "I do not scream that loud!"
"Oh yes you do."
"Well you make loud groaning noises!"
"No I don't. I'm pretty quiet. You're the noisy one."
She couldn't stop laughing as she put her now empty dinner plate on the coffee table in front of her. "You're too much, Steven Novak. Do you know that? You're too much."
He wrapped his arm around her and smiled. "But you love me anyway."
"Damn right I do," she said, grinning as she leaned in and kissed him.
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As soon as she opened the door, her eyes widened and she dropped her bag right where she stood. Rose petals littered the living room floor and trailed out into the dining room as well. Candles were sitting on the mantle over the fireplace, the bookshelf, and the coffee table. On the dining room table were two tall candles, along with a huge pasta and salad dinner. She walked towards the table, barely able to breathe she was so surprised. "Alex, what…what is…" she couldn't even find the right words.
Alex was standing in the kitchen, a single red rose in her hand. She smiled as she walked over to Olivia and handed her the flower. "I got out of work a little early tonight. I know you had your group meeting tonight, so I wanted you to come home to something special."
"Alex, this is amazing. I don't even know what to say."
"You don't have to say anything," she said softly, cupping Olivia's face in her hands and wiping away Olivia's tears with her thumb. "The last two times you came home from your group, I could tell you were pretty scared. I can see how much this is helping you, Liv, even after only three meetings. I just…I see how scared you are when I come home. I see it in your eyes. You hear those women talk about how their husbands or friends or families or whatever left them, and then that fear comes back to you. You try to hide it, but I can still see it."
Olivia swallowed as she tried to fight the tears. "It's just so hard to hear their stories and keep believing that mine won't turn out the same way. I want to believe it," she said, her tears starting to flow harder now. "It's just hard sometimes."
"That's why I did this for you tonight," Alex said lovingly as she looked into Olivia's eyes. "I wanted to do something to try to make it easier. I'll do anything and everything I can to make it easier for you, Liv, just like you always did the same to make it easier for me. I love you. If I can do something to prove that to you, then I'll do it."
Olivia was on the brink of crumbling onto the floor in a fit of sobs, but managed to hold herself together. She desperately wanted to enjoy this dinner Alex had cooked – and obviously spent a lot of time on – so she needed to keep the tears away, for now at least. Perhaps later on tonight she could let them fall again. "This is incredible, Alex. I can't believe you did all this for me."
"Of course I did," Alex said softly, leading Olivia to the table and pulling her chair out for her. "I love you."
Olivia smiled at all the food sitting in front of her, the candles that were lit all over the place, the rose petals all over the floor, and her girlfriend – the most perfect woman in the world – standing right in front of her. "I love you, too."
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He was going to hurt her again. He'd come into her bedroom for the third night in a row, and now he was lying on top of her. She could feel his hands slipping down her pants, slowly pulling them off. He was already naked. He was always naked when he came into her room at night. Suddenly, he was inside her. Pain rushed through her entire body as she began screaming and fighting, begging him to stop.
Casey ran as fast as she could down the hall and into Julia's room, nearly beginning to panic as she saw her daughter kicking and screaming in her sleep. She jumped onto the bed and tried desperately to wake her up, hating to see her reliving her most horrible experiences. "Jules, wake up!" she yelled frantically. "Wake up, honey. Wake up. You're safe, I promise. He's not hurting you. You're safe at home, in your own bed."
"Stop it! Stop it!" Julia screamed desperately. "Please, just leave me alone!" She continued to thrash and scream for several more seconds. "Help! Please, help me! Daddy! Daddy, help me! DADDY!"
Casey hesitated for a brief moment, not really sure if she was correctly understanding what Julia was screaming, before she yelled for Steve. "Steve! Steve get in here quick!"
Steve had been awake, lying in bed the entire time. He had never, in the more than five months since Julia had moved in with them, gone into her bedroom during one of her nightmares. It had always terrified her to even see him after she'd woken up. Now, though, he could hear Casey screaming for him to get in there as quickly as he could. He was reluctant to go in there, but as soon as he heard Julia screaming "Daddy," he bolted out of bed and ran straight into the room.
"I can't wake her up," Casey said, her voice full of fear as he knelt down by the bed next to her. "I can't wake her up, Steve."
He could feel his eyes filling with tears as Julia fought desperately against her nightmare attacker, screaming desperately for her daddy to rescue her. "I'm right here, Jules," he whispered, gently stroking her hair. "He can't hurt you, honey. You're safe now. Daddy's here."
The sound of his voice was what finally brought her out of her nightmare. She opened her eyes wide as she saw him, and rolled over so she could wrap her arms around him tightly. "He was hurting me again," she cried, clinging desperately to him. "He was in my room and he was hurting me and he wouldn't stop!"
"I know, baby," Steve said, sniffling and fighting the tears. How had Casey been doing this for the last five months? It was so difficult to see her like this. "You're safe now," he whispered, not knowing what else to say.
She stayed like that for a few more minutes, trying to calm down. She was glad that both of her parents were in there with her, her father holding her and her mother gently rubbing her back. She sat up and rubbed the tears out of her eyes as she looked pleadingly at her father. "Will…will you lie here with me until I fall asleep? I don't want to fall back asleep without you in here."
Steve couldn't believe what he was hearing, but he nodded firmly and tucked her back under the covers of her bed. He laid down on top of them and inhaled sharply as she snuggled close to him and rested her head against his chest. He looked over at Casey, who was now sobbing quietly at the sight she was witnessing, and wrapped his arms around his daughter.
Julia wasn't sure why she suddenly felt so safe and comfortable with Steve, but as she felt his arms wrap around her, she knew she was going to be able to quickly fall back asleep. She wrapped her arms around him and closed her eyes. Shortly afterwards, she fell into a deep, peaceful sleep…safe and sound in her father's arms.
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