Chapter Fifty-Three: Crumbling Secrets
Friday finally came, and Cloud was back to listening to Ratcliff's appointment through the walls and vents of the psychologist's office. The psychologist was back to hovering around the couch in the event that Cloud began to topple. She lectured him for a few minutes in the beginning, but she knew there was not much that she could do to stop him once again. She spent that time darting back and forth between the couch and her desk.
After about twenty minutes the psychologist had slipped out of the office saying that she would be back shortly, and for Cloud to not fall down before she returned. He responded with a disinterested grunt as she walked out.
Cloud was able to hear much better once she left. While she tried to stay as quiet as possible, she still had work to do. Cloud could respect that, but now without her movement in the office it was much easier to hear. There were a lot of mumbles that floated through, a few peaks of louder words here and there, but not enough for Cloud to string the words together to form full sentences. It wasn't until he began to catch familiar words that had been uttered the time before did he start to catch on.
Town.
Mountain.
Mako reactor.
But something else was being repeated now. Over and over again. It came steadily, but it was in a tone that was far from suggesting. It was a dominating tone.
You.
'You can', maybe?
He listened more. He was thankful that the psychologist had left; it was all coming clearer now.
'You can' what?
He strained. He closed his eyes, held his breath, stopped moving. He did whatever he could to hear the repeating phrase.
"You can end this."
Cloud pulled away from the vent. "You can end this?" he muttered to himself, beginning to repeat it like how Dr. Bleier had been doing, as though doing so would give him a better understanding. He lowered down onto the couch, confused and skeptical over what he had heard. He sat there for a long time, repeating the words to himself in mutters.
The psychologist eventually returned. She must have known that he had skipped lunch to make it to the appointment again for she came back carrying familiar foam containers from the mess hall – one for her, and one for him.
"Come eat," she said in her motherly way, setting one of the containers on her desk and motioning for him to sit in her chair. "Cloud?"
He stood and obeyed, in too much of a daze to deny her. As he walked around her and sat down in her chair, her eyes trailed on him the entire time.
"Part of the kitchen in the mess hall was damaged from the attack, so this was all I was able to get for us. I hope you like mac and cheese," she said, taking one of the containers and sitting down on the couch. "I could hear your stomach growling this entire time. You really should eat."
Cloud hummed a response, staring into the closed container with the words still in his head.
"Cloud?"
He hummed again but didn't glance up at her or begin to eat.
"What happened? What did you hear?"
He finally lifted his head, his mouth opening to tell her but nothing came out. Had he really heard that right? He must have been mistaken. He mulled it around in his head again.
"Nothing," he said.
The psychologist stared at him for a moment before leaving it at that and motioned for him to begin to eat.
They ate in silence at first, both listening to the muffled murmurs of Dr. Bleier speaking and to Cloud's stomach growling. He started to look at the various things on her desk. He had never stopped to really look at them while he worked in that office, nor when he was there for his sessions. She had a few photographs of her son sitting in frames on the desk, but one frame in particular caught his eye.
It was of the psychologist and her son in her arms as an infant – the mass of blond hair on the infant's head made it quite apparent that it was him. She looked incredible, beaming with a joy he had never seen her emit. She looked younger, happier. Beside her in the picture stood a good-looking man in what appeared to be in his mid thirties. His arm was wrapped around the psychologist's shoulder, and he too looked just as happy. Cloud stared at it for a while, but then leaned in close when he noticed the man was wearing a Shin-Ra ID badge on his hip.
"Your husband worked for Shin-Ra?"
The psychologist stopped eating and placed her fork down in the container. A pained look twitched onto her face for just a moment, but she slowly smiled and looked at him with understanding. "He did," she said with a nod. "He was an engineer in the RED department."
The Reactor Engineering Development department was a classified and coveted department, Cloud knew. Along with SOLDIER, the Investigative department, and the Science department, Shin-Ra upheld this department to be of an utmost importance. It was one of the departments that helped shape Shin-Ra to be the company and empire that it was now, and even had caused a war between Shin-Ra and Wutai. But life without the mako reactors throughout the whole Planet would have been much more primitive. RED was Shin-Ra's bread and butter.
"He hadn't been working for Shin-Ra for many years," she continued. "He had just barely finished his internship when we first met." She chuckled to herself, nostalgic. "He was so shy."
Cloud studied the man's face. He did have a reserved look in his eye, but Cloud could hardly tell when he was standing next to his wife and smiling that wide. They must have been a happy family before he died.
"I met him in the mess hall, you know," the psychologist said, almost excitedly. "He was holding up the line trying to decide on which flavor dessert to get." She smiled a knowing smile at Cloud, who only stared back at her. "Strawberry or cherry? Seems to be the general dilemma." Her smile faltered a little when he continued to give her that blank look. "Sound familiar?"
It didn't, but Cloud forced himself to smile politely and nod.
"He was in charge of designing improved siphons and turbines for the reactors, among other classified projects," she continued again. "He was always coming up with brilliant new ideas, and he was always working even when he wasn't supposed to be working. Oftentimes he'd bring his work home to the dinner table. He was very dedicated."
They took a few more bites of their meal, and the psychologist watched as Cloud studied the picture. Dr. Bleier's voice was still coming through the vent steadily.
"M-may I ask … what …" Cloud trailed off.
The psychologist set her lunch to the side and brushed her lap of crumbs that were not there. She then cleared her throat and removed her glasses, folding them and hanging them on the front of her blouse. Her eyes met his as she shifted a bit on the couch and prepared herself for what she knew Cloud wanted to ask; she prepared herself for giving the answer, as well.
"You want to know what happened to my husband. It's okay to ask, Cloud."
"I-I just … didn't want to pry."
"I pry you all the time while you're the one to sit on this couch," she said simply.
Cloud smiled a little.
"I don't know all the details," she began, and Cloud noticed that she casually grabbed that beaded pillow and set it in her lap before continuing. "I just know that he was approached by the head of the Science department and asked to design something specific for research inside a reactor. He wasn't allowed to talk about it, not even with me. It was highly classified, but a lot of his work usually was.
"But whatever he had been working on … whatever it was … it was stressing him out." She fell silent for a while, staring off into a bookcase against the wall, her eyes narrowing unconsciously as Dr. Bleier's voice peaked and fell again with certain words. They could hear bits of Ratcliff's voice as well now. "Stress isn't the right word," she mumbled, as though to herself. "Disturbed."
"Disturbed?"
She looked at Cloud again, a deep frown on her face. "He told me that he wanted no part in it, and voiced that to both the Science department and the RED department as well. But they wouldn't let him off the project. It was disturbing him physically, emotionally … morally," she muttered, shaking her head. "I tried to counsel him, but he refused. It was like it was eating him alive."
"What do you think it was?"
"I don't know," she said sadly, and Cloud could see her swallowing a few times. "I even tried to see him on a professional level when he became worse, but he wouldn't. I appealed the idea of forcing him through an official order to those in charge of both the medical and science departments. I even went to the head, Professor Hojo, about it, but it was all denied."
"So he just suffered on his own without help? Is that why he committed–"
"No," she said quickly, bitterly. "He was ordered to be evaluated by my colleague, Dr. Bleier."
Their gaze met again. Her eyes were full of tears.
Cloud dropped his fork roughly and pushed himself away from the desk. "A-and he k-killed himself after?"
She was growing horribly pale. "I didn't think anything of it at first, Cloud." Her voice was beginning to tremble. "I trusted Bleier. He told me afterward that my husband couldn't handle the pressures of work and home life, and that's why he did it. I couldn't believe it at first, so I checked Bleier's reports. All had details backing up what he had stated. I-I still don't want to believe it, but after what started happening with Mr. Ratcliff's behavior and how similar it was to my husband's …"
Cloud's breath began to quicken as things fell into place in his mind. "Do you know … which reactor he was assigned for the project?"
The psychologist swallowed, and after a long pause she choked out, "Nibelheim, I think."
He stood in a panic and rushed over to the thermostat mindlessly. He turned on the air conditioner to drown out Dr. Bleier's voice. When he turned back to the psychologist, she was staring at him with an expression that was pleading.
"Cloud, tell me … what did you hear earlier?"
He looked away as she stood and took a few steps toward him. He just shook his head.
"Please. Tell me."
She reached up and touched his arm. The words tumbled from his lips.
"'You can end this'," he whispered.
The psychologist began to tremble. She backed away with eyes wide and mouth agape.
"Ma'am?" he asked slowly, watching as she felt around for the couch behind her as she moved. She found the arm of the couch and lowered herself down onto the cushions, her knees visibly quaking as she sat, and her eyes never left his. "A-Are you okay?"
She began to weep.
He watched her, pain growing in his chest. What he could do or what he could say for her was impossible for him to know. All he could think of doing was grabbing the box of tissues from her desk. He shuffled over, moving that beaded pillow aside to sit down beside her closely. He offered the tissues to her.
She didn't take it. She only cried harder, cupping her face with her hands.
He pushed the box a little closer, wanting to say something, but nothing came.
"E-excuse me, C-Cloud," she eventually said through sobs.
Cloud nodded and stood, setting the box down beside her should she need it. "O-okay … um … o-okay," he said clumsily, his own voice shaking now. "I … I … okay." He hesitated, unsure if he should move to the other side of the room or leave entirely.
He didn't want to leave her to cry like that alone if he didn't have to.
"Please, a m-moment."
He left, shutting the door behind him and still listening to her increasing sobs. He leaned against the door, trying to compose his own emotions but finding it very hard.
The office door beside the psychologist's suddenly opened, and he turned to see Ratcliff staring at him, looking haggard.
"Hey, Cloud," he said, almost with hints of sadness. "Wanna get some food or somethin', yeah?"
Cloud stared back at him incredulously.
Ratcliff exited the office towards him, and Dr. Bleier followed.
His heart began to race as he looked at the older man. He was tall, looming over Ratcliff as he walked behind him. Weathered, wrinkled skin surrounded beady eyes in ripples, like wind-blown sands in a desert. Thick eyebrows were petrified stones above those eyes, casting shadows down his face, giving him a darkened appearance. His jowls were sunken, dragging the corners of his wide mouth down with their weight, permanently displaying an intense frown. What little white hair he had in his older age was sparse and slicked back with heavy gel, giving his scalp a shiny appearance that reflected the lights from above, further darkening his face. His entire appearance seemed to grip Cloud's chest in intimidation.
Any composure Cloud had managed to gather was gone the instant Dr. Bleier made eye contact with him and acknowledged him with a nod. Cloud was frozen in place.
"Let's go, yeah?" Ratcliff said, still with that sadness, seemingly unaware that Dr. Bleier was standing behind him as though his silent shadow. "It's been a while since it was just me and you."
They shouldn't be talking. They shouldn't be near each other under the circumstances. Should he respond? Should he play Ratcliff off like he hardly knew him? After everything that had been built up to keep things secret was now crumbling as Ratcliff spoke to him.
The psychologist's crying seemed to get louder. Cloud forced himself to finally speak to drown it out, even if his voice was weak and frightened.
"O-okay … um … okay."
Ratcliff held his arm out, ushering him along. "C'mon, yeah?"
He jerked forward, but jerked back again and thumped against the door.
"What's wrong with you, yeah?" Ratcliff grabbed him by the arm and tugged him forward.
Cloud went with him, stiffening as he passed by Dr. Bleier, who stood unmoving beside them. He had only made it a few steps past down the hall before Dr. Bleier's deep voice stopped him.
"Young man?"
They both stopped and he turned slowly, seeing that Dr. Bleier was now staring with those beady eyes at the psychologist's door. Ratcliff's grip on Cloud's arm tightened.
"Is everything all right with Sandra?"
Cloud couldn't stop his eyes from widening, nor from his voice from squeaking as he spoke. "U-Um … I think she just got some bad news, is all."
"I see. Thank you – Mr. Strife, was it?"
He reluctantly nodded. Ratcliff began to pull him along again.
Dr. Bleier turned back towards his office. "Enjoy your meal, gentlemen." He slipped back inside, shutting the door with a heavy click.
"I'll give you all the time you need, Cloud. I've told you before that I'll wait for you."
He had meant it, and he had been waiting. Every painful moment apart had been in wait for Cloud to come around. But when he finally did, when his love had finally come back to him begging to speak with him …
"Cloud, I don't have the time right now."
Zack felt like he had broken his promise.
He had been so confused and blindsided as Cloud approached him after almost a month of avoiding. It was the moment he had been waiting for, but when it finally arrived his priorities were sent into disarray.
The helicopter could have waited. Shin-Ra could have waited. The damn Genesis Copies could have waited. The whole Planet could have waited if it meant to talk things out with Cloud.
But now he was in that impatient helicopter far away from being able to mend anything. He was reduced to again sitting in wait and dwelling on everything that had happened.
All along he knew in his heart that what had happened with Cloud and Ratcliff wasn't what it seemed. At least, on Cloud's behalf. He wasn't so sure about Ratcliff's behavior, but as many times as Zack had played that scene out in his head, each time he was reminded of how panicked Cloud had looked as Ratcliff drew near before Zack had interrupted them.
Yet it took a while for his anger towards the both of them to dwindle. The more that Cloud avoided him, and the more times he saw Cloud and Ratcliff together, only helped to keep that dying flame of anger smoldering just a bit.
He had a hard time coming up with an explanation for when he saw them in the elevator. Cloud's clothes were a mess as well as his hair, and Ratcliff too looked disheveled. What had they been doing?
Maybe Ratcliff had tried kissing him again, or worse. Cloud could have fended him off and that was why they both looked a mess, but when Zack had thought about it, Cloud's boots weren't on properly. Zack highly doubted that Ratcliff would remove his boots if he were trying to get at him, let alone get at him in an elevator.
Maybe they had been sparring together, or training in the gym?
That would have made much more sense than Cloud having cheated, or Ratcliff having tried to take advantage of him.
Yet whatever Zack came up with only served to make his chest hurt.
Nothing was making sense.
He had not realized that he had been in that helicopter for a while now, and he and Kunsel sat together in a thick silence to their destination. Kunsel had tried to ask him what Cloud had wanted before they departed, but when he shook his head without explanation it only caused Kunsel to ask what was going on with him.
He couldn't tell him, and he was quite surprised that Kunsel hadn't figured it out yet, given the man's invasive nature. Perhaps he had it figured out, but he only wanted Zack to talk with him about it on his own, considering that that was what friends were for. Somehow Zack just couldn't bring himself to admit that not only did he have a gay relationship and it was with Cloud, but that he ruined that relationship. It had been the only relationship that had fully meant something to him, and one that he could say he truly loved.
Kunsel spoke after a while, causing Zack to jump after such a long time of silence. He easily masked his reaction by shifting in his seat and adjusting his aviation headset over his ears, but with the momentary smirk on Kunsel's face, Zack was sure he had caught that.
"I wish you'd tell me what the hell's the matter."
"It's nothin' to worry about," Zack said with a small shrug.
"Well, if you ever wanna talk about whatever's bugging you, I'm here. Seems like everyone is troubled, especially after what happened with Graves. I know that hit both Cloud and Ratcliff really hard, so I figured it did you too. You know, aside from the girl troubles that I think you're having."
"Graves?" Zack narrowed his eyes at Kunsel, his head tilting to the side. "What do you mean? I know he went AWOL, but …"
"He was KIA," Kunsel said slowly, as though Zack should have already known this.
"Graves?" he said in disbelief. "Killed? W-when?"
"I don't know exactly. Around the time you were sent out to track those Wutai spies."
He raced his mind back through the last few weeks and months. He tried to assemble a timeline of everything that had happened. His thoughts revisited his last conversation with him which had been in Costa del Sol, and over and over again he began to mentally kick himself – hate himself – for having let the man pass him.
"They never told you what happened in Nibelheim?" Kunsel asked, studying the pained look that was surely on Zack's face.
He shook his head multiple times before he was even able to answer. It was around the time when he had told Cloud he loved him. It was around the time that Cloud's lies seemed to become thick. Was this the reason why Cloud had been acting so strange and bothered? Was this the reason why he told lie after lie? Why would he choose to grieve alone like that? Why wouldn't Cloud share the pain with him, like he did when Elici had died?
Cloud must have truly believed that they were formed on a foundation of pity.
"No," Zack eventually said. "Neither told me anything."
"Are you serious? I thought Cloud would at least tell you, if anyone."
"He didn't. He … doesn't tell me a lot of things."
Kunsel scoffed. "That's Cloud for you. He tries to be so secretive. And to all the wrong people."
Zack looked away and out the window of the helicopter. Not only had Cloud been hiding this, but Ratcliff, too, had been keeping this from him. Why would they leave him in the dark? He wasn't sure if he should be sad or angry, or even offended.
"Well, Ratcliff was sent out on a mission to find Graves several months back with a few others. Allegedly they encountered him in Nibelheim and Ratcliff was given the order to shoot him."
Zack frowned. That would explain a few things about Ratcliff's behavior, but not everything.
"But … I dunno, bro. Something strange has been going on."
"Strange? How do you mean?"
"With Ratcliff, I mean."
Zack looked at him with eyes wide.
"He's been acting really off. Really, really off."
"I haven't seen him much. I've noticed a few things different about him in the time that I have," Zack said, hiding the bitterness in his voice. "But I didn't know what happened. Maybe he's just distraught because he had to kill his friend."
Kunsel shook his head and motioned for Zack to remove his aviation headset so the pilot couldn't hear their conversation over the radio.
Zack obeyed, leaning forward so Kunsel could place his mouth to his ear.
"Shin-Ra's up to something. I don't know what, but you know damn well it can't be good."
They pulled away, staring at each other intently.
The pilot started to speak to them over the headset before Zack could ask more questions, and their helicopter began to descend. They donned their headsets again and received intelligence about the Genesis Copies, as well as coordinates locating them. Neither of which Zack had paid any attention.
He could comprehend nothing but the shambles his thoughts were in, and he knew nothing but the yearning he felt to get back to Midgar and see Cloud, and even Ratcliff.
… To be continued in Chapter Fifty-Four: Broken Promise.
Ending Author's Note: A DETAILED PHYSICAL DESCRIPTION OF A CHARACTER? FROM ZIGGY? WHAT IS THIS WIZARDRY?
Um...yeah, I never bothered describing my OCs in this story because I originally didn't plan for them to play such a role. So this is why Bleier gets a detailed description, unlike everyone else who is/was more important. C: Teehee.
BUT!
It has been too, too long. Hello, everyone! I hope you all didn't lose patience or interest in this story. It's been almost four months since I last updated, and I cannot believe I went that long. Things in my life have been turned upside down. While I'm happy to report that my dad is doing much better with his cancer (thank you to all the well-wishers!) my health has gone down the crapper. Turns out that my neck injury is pretty scary, and I've actually had to get an attorney to help me along in the mess because … well, it's just that messy. I don't want to go into too much detail, but let's just say that with my neck injury, I could very well be paralyzed...*cough*it could also kill me if things get worse*cough*. Currently my arms are weak and sorta tingly, but I can give anyone a thumb's up just fine, and certainly can flip anyone off just as well. LOL So I hope I'm far away from being paralyzed...*cough*or dead*cough*...
It has made things a bit difficult with concentrating, and I said that I would update when I was done with chapter fifty-six, but I'm not even done with fifty-five yet after all this time. I really wanted to give you all an update, however, even if it is a short one. Not much happened, but a bit of light has been shed on the current plot.
Lesse, what else? Heh … tons of fan-art. Yes … while Malady was sleeping, the fans certainly were not. Prepare yourself for quite a list of fan-art to check out!
First off, Vallentyne of deviantART. com digipainted a GORGEOUS piece from Chapter Eight: Color of Existence. OMG it's so beautiful and sad! Copy and paste this link into your browser, and delete the spaces I've made to view!
H t t p : / / vallentyne. Deviantart. com/ art/ Color-of-Existence-252879574
Mahado/Chibi-BB of both fanfiction. net and deviantART. com has draw two adorable and sexy pieces! The first is just a general Malady fan-art:
h t t p : / / chibi-bb. Deviantart. com/ art/ I-will-always-call-you-Angel-254079167
While the second is from the shower scene in Chapter Twenty-Six: No Strings Attached:
h t t p : / / chibi-bb. Deviantart. com/ art/ Cloud-under-the-shower-X3-254392878
Mahado also made two super cute animated icons of both Ratcliff and Graves! I love them so much!
Graves: h t t p : / / chibi-bb. Deviantart. com/ art/ Graves-icon-255178979
Ratcliff: h t t p : / / chibi-bb. Deviantart. com/ art/ Ratcliff-confess-icon-255900246
Ratcliff is so, so cute! *flail*
And for those CloudxRatcliff lovers, BECAUSE I KNOW YOU GUYS ARE OUT THERE WHO SUPPORT THEM MORE THAN ZACKXCLOUD (SERIOUSLY!), BeforeTheMomentGirl of deviantART. com has written a Malady fan-story about those two. A fan-story of a fan-story...it's like fan-fiception!
H t t p : / / beforethemomentgirl. Deviantart. com/ art/ Malady-fanstory-A-new-start-261377668
It's based in the Advent Children setting, and like a what-if type story that has all the game characters, as well as some of her own original characters.
She also altered a base and created a cover picture to the story here:
h t t p : / / beforethemomentgirl. Deviantart. com/ art/ Malady-fanstory-full-pic-261381685
That's it for the fan stuff! Remember that all my fan-art is also listed in my profile with actual, clickable links!
Oh! I caved and got a tumblr account, for those who are on tumblr. I post a Clack picture a day. C:
www. ziggypasta. Tumblr. Com
I think that's all the news and stuff I have to share. I might be forgetting something, so forgive me if I am.
Again, thank you so much to all that read this story, and have stuck around after almost four months of no update. I've gotten a lot of new readers lately, but I hope my old have stayed and are still enjoying this story. Currently, I really can't say when I'll update next, but my goal is to update chapter 55 as a Christmas gift to all of you, so expect the next chapter to be updated between now and then. I really, really hope I can do this! *pushes sleeves up*
OH! And again I was bad with responding to reviews, but I promise I will respond this time! THAT'S A ZIGGY PROMISE …
… because I think I might be getting off work for a long, long time soon because of all my spinal problems (more surgery, yay...) so I'll have all the time in the world to respond and write again...
...and draw, because I've admittedly been doing a lot of that lately. Hehehe...
I'LL SHUT UP NOW. I'VE JUST BEEN GONE FOR SO LONG THAT I MISS WRITING MY INSANELY LONG AUTHOR'S NOTES, AND I MISS ALL OF YOU!
