Title: Welcome Home
Author: ZombieJazz
Fandom: Law & Order: SVU
Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Jack and Benji have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.
Summary: Olivia continues to work at establishing her family and learning how to navigate motherhood while still serving with SVU. There's lots of challenges for her ahead as she adjusts to the changes in her life, surmounts new situations and legal troubles for her and her adopted children, and tries to find some time and space for herself in it all too. This is the sequel to Hello, Goodbye.
Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Most of the chapters will ultimately take place outside of the work environment, so there aren't going to be too many references to cases from the show. But this story would generally be starting in about Season 15 of the show. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.
Olivia gave Jack a thin smile as she returned to the living room.
She'd walked Brian to the door, kissed Brian at the door, thanked Brian again for helping her have a nice birthday – probably the nicest she'd had in years, and then she'd gone to her bedroom and finally changed out of her dress and into her sleepwear. She hadn't made eye contact with Jack as she passed back through the living room to go to her room. But she could feel him watching her. She could also feel him watching – out of the corner of his eye and around the corner – and his ears perked up while she'd been in the little foyer with Brian. Still, she hadn't taken Brian into the hall or walked him to the elevators. She tried to tell herself that a short goodbye kiss with her 'boyfriend' was acceptable – and not anything that should be overly scarring or upsetting for her 19-year-old son, if he felt he needed to strain his neck enough to see them in the foyer.
By the time she returned to the living room, Jack looked fairly engaged in his downloaded game. He was still in his clothes from the restaurant and beyond him saying he was leaving to give her and Brian privacy there hadn't been any further statement about what his plans were for the evening – if he was now staying or heading up to the dorms so he'd be able to get to his classes more easily in the morning.
She sat on the couch and looked at him. "Are you sleeping here tonight, sweetheart?"
He glanced at her and shrugged. "I don't know," he said.
But the statement was accompanied with him shifting himself on the couch and suddenly the crown of his head had landed against her knee and his own knees and feet had draped over the armrest as he continued to stare at the television and manipulate the controller in his hand.
Olivia looked down at him for a moment. He wasn't looking at her – not at all. But she was certainly looking at him. Jack hadn't sought any sort of physical affection from her since they'd been back in New York City. None at all. She'd managed to initiate some hugs on her own. She'd almost forced them on him – but her son hadn't tried to hug her or seek any sort of affection from her.
She told herself that was absolutely normal. He was a 19-year-old boy – really an almost 20-year-old man. He didn't want hugs from his mom. He likely didn't want to display the supposed weakness of seeking them out. But with all the emotional turmoil she'd seen her in son, she'd known he'd needed them. Yet, it hadn't been since they were in California – when he was still calling her mom, when he'd missed her, when he seemed appreciative of her and his family – that he'd received an embrace from his son. That he'd let her embrace him. Even then those had been 'manly' embrace – and on his own terms.
Even getting beyond that the number of times Jack had flopped against her – she could count on one hand. There'd been three other occasions. One was a lap flop when he'd been sick and clearly wanted to be cared for as a little boy. The other two had been him ramming his ice brick feet under her thighs while they were watching television – and he'd pretended not to notice when she'd eventually shifted his feet out from under her, settled them in her lap, wrapped a blanket around them and rubbed them through it until it almost felt like there was a real boy there again rather than a corpse. This was the first time he'd done it when he was seemingly well and not seemingly cold.
He made no comment and she decided not to either. Instead, she watched the television for a few minutes as he navigated the game and eventually let her one hand drift to his hair and run her fingers through it a couple times – in the same way she did for her Little Fox when he sought out affection.
"You're using way too much product in your hair, sweetheart," she told him and stopped the process. It was like trying to comb her fingers through concrete. It was a matted mess. It felt gross. Gross enough that she almost wanted to push him aside and go wash her hands.
"It's the way people wear it, Mom," he muttered with a tad of displeasure in his tone.
She snorted a bit at that. She knew exactly what he was trying to do. The undercut he'd had when they picked him up at camp had transformed into a pompadour since being back into the city – just as Olivia had suspected it would. The only problem was that Jack really didn't have a clue how to style it. Or at least how to style it without using an entire bottle of hard-core gel, it seemed. He really needed to be introduced to styling putty to eliminate some of the crusty grossness.
"I know what you're trying to do, sweetheart," she said. "I can show you a different way to get the look. If you stay over night and get up earlier than just rolling out of bed and out the door. Or I can show you next weekend."
He shrugged against her leg. "Yeah, maybe," he said.
She allowed a little nod. He wasn't likely to take her up on the offer. Even in the best of times Jack had to broach on his own accord when he wanted her help in any fashion or style department – and it definitely wasn't an area he really liked admitting he needed help in. Though, he was also making a lot of strides in things she'd worked at drilling into his head the previous year. He still had his skater clothes and could look a little bit like a punk at times – but he also knew how to pick clothes that fit him and to put together an outfit that looked more like what most of the kids at college were wearing, rather than walking into there with the label of a country mouse or a skater boy. He was learning and figuring out what worked for him. He didn't need quite as much help and lecturing anymore.
She watched the screen again for a moment but then let out a little sigh and tapped his shoulder. "Can you turn off the game and sit up?"
He looked up at her from the rather submissive position he was in. Part of her wondered if this wasn't so much him seeking affection as it was something that reassembled an apology. But as much as she liked seeing glimpses of her son that night and as nice as it felt to be granted permission to give him a bit of affection – she thought she'd prefer to have a vocal apology. And, however they cut it, her and Jack really needed to talk.
"Why?" Jack asked.
"Because I want us to have a conversation," she said.
He let out a sigh at that and looked back to the screen. "No you don't," he said quietly. "You'll get all upset and it's your birthday and you had a nice night."
She allowed a little nod. "I did have a nice night. But you had wanted to talk to me on Thursday and we've been so busy this weekend that I've hardly had a chance to see you. So I'd like us to talk now – while you're here, not over the phone – before I go another week without seeing you."
There was a small groan from him. "It doesn't matter," he said. "We don't need to talk about it."
"It clearly mattered on Thursday," she said.
He shrugged. "You were busy."
She allowed a little nod. She was busy. But she also just hadn't been in a state of mind to speak to him then. It would've been a fight. She thought they were in a better place in that moment – that they could manage a real conversation. Hopefully.
"I was busy," she agreed. "But I also think what you wanted to talk about wouldn't have been an appropriate conversation for me to be having with you while I was at work."
His eyes stayed on the television screen. "It's OK," he said. "I'm over it."
"I'm not over it, Jack," she said a bit more firmly. "I'd like for us to talk now. Please turn off your game and sit up – and look at me."
He sighed very audibly to ensure she knew his displeasure at the fact she wanted them to form sentences of substance with each other – but he shifted and sat up. He hunched over on his knees and held his thumb in one place until the menu popped up on the screen to shut his console off. He did and then looked at her.
"There," he said a little defiantly.
"Thank you," she said but he was just giving her a small glare. It wasn't angry but it was clearly annoyed. Still, at least he was looking at her. Often getting him to make any sort of eye contact during a conversation was still a battle. So at least that was a small start.
"Was there something you wanted to say?" she asked when he'd looked at her mutely for several beats.
Jack shrugged. "Not really."
"Do you want to tell me what you'd come to the precinct to talk about?"
He just shrugged again and slumped into the couch – his shoulder hitting the leather and sliding down slightly. So Olivia just nodded and twisted herself, resting both her legs up on the cushion and tucking one of her feet under herself. She watched him again for a moment. He was still making eye contact. That was a big step for Jack. She rubbed at her eyebrow.
"OK," she said, letting out a bit of a breath. "I'll start."
"Start what?" Jack asked.
"We're going to have a talk about what's been happening this fall," she said. "We're going to talk about what happened last weekend."
Jack's head fell to the side and rested against the couch's back. "We don't need to talk about it, Mom."
She nodded. "Yes, we do, Jack."
He sighed loudly and looked at her. "I'm sorry, OK," he said meekly. "That's what I was at your squad room to say."
"What are you sorry for?" she asked. 'Sorry' was a start but she wasn't sure it was much of an apology. She thought she deserved a bit more than that. She thought they both did. She didn't think anything was really going to be resolved by him simply saying 'sorry'.
"For everything," Jack said somewhat exasperated. "I'm sorry for how I've been acting. I'm sorry I upset you. I'm sorry I made you cry. I'm just … sorry."
She allowed a little nod. "Do you understand how much you've been hurting me these last six weeks?" she asked.
His head hung at that and he looked at the cushion. "I didn't mean to hurt you," he said.
"It's seemed like you've been trying pretty hard to find ways to hurt me," she said and he glanced up at her with sad eyes. "Did it feel good to throw that mom line in my face last weekend?"
"No," he said at a near whisper and then looked at her a bit more directly. "I know I've been being a dick, Mom …"
"I don't like you using that word," she interrupted him.
"But I know I have been," he said quietly. "And … it didn't feel … good. I've felt like a dick."
"Yet you kept acting that way," Olivia said.
Jack sighed and hung his head again. "It's just that … sometimes I get really ... angry ... and confused. And it's just ... feels like too much. So I guess ... I shutdown or ... lash out."
"You need to work on that," Olivia said.
"I know," Jack agreed quietly.
"It's not an acceptable way to treat your family, Jack. Not your brother – your nephew. Not your mother. It's not a way you should be talking to a woman – any woman. I don't like when you're that way, Jack. I don't like when it's directed at me. I'm not used to letting men talk to me that way – to treat me that way. And, I really don't like what I see in you when you're that way."
"I know," he agreed again quietly. "It's just … sometimes I can't … control it … when I feel like that. It's just like … everything … from the past … it keeps … bubbling back up."
"The past is the past, Jack," she said. "You can't keep living in it. You can't keep using what happened before as an excuse for how you act now. Especially when it comes to how you treat people who love and care about you."
"I know," Jack said again.
"If you know then why is this happening?" she said. "Why do we even need to have this conversation?"
He shrugged. "I guess because I'm fucked up. Because I need to see a fucking shrink."
"You do need therapy," Olivia said firmly. "I want you in therapy. I want you to keep participating in therapy. But you are not fucked up, Jack. Some of how you're acting is a little fucked up. It's really upsetting."
He sighed harder. "I'm going to try harder, Mom," he said. "I'm going to be less of a dick. Or at least I'm going to try."
Olivia nodded. "You need to try," she said. "And you need to do a little more than try, sweetheart. Because I'm not going to keep doing this. You've got to understand that however you want to define this, I'm the adult in this relationship and you are the child. You are always going to be the child in the relationship – it doesn't matter how old you get. And some of the lip I've been taking from you this past month – it's not acceptable. When Benji gets to be your age – there is no way I'd allow him to talk to me the way you have been. You don't get to talk to me like that, Jack. Not anymore. You've had six weeks to be angry. To be confused. To lash out. You're going to have to find new ways to express those feelings and deal with them – because you don't ever get to treat me the way you've been treating me again."
Jack sighed and looked down. There was no response.
"Do you understand?" Olivia asked a bit more bluntly as the silence extended between them.
"Yeah," he allowed at a near whisper.
She nodded and looked at the top of his head for a moment but then reached out and rubbed at his bicep, giving it a small squeeze. He gave her a glance.
"You really need to decide how you want to be defined in this family, sweetheart," she said. "Neither of us can keep walking this emotional tightrope. I know that the adoption process has been hard for you. That you're dealing with a lot of emotions and stress and anxiety about it. But you need to understand that it's been really emotionally draining for me too. I'm really just ready for it to be done too. I'm ready for us to be legally a family – finally, officially – so we can celebrate and move on together."
"What if it doesn't go through?" Jack asked quietly.
"It's going to go through, Jack," she said. "It's not like me adopting Benji. It's just a matter of us ironing out the financial details and then signing the papers. It's going to be fine."
"So it's not all official like then," he said flatly.
"It is official, Jack. I just don't need the approval of the state to adopt you. You're an adult. I just need you to give me the go-ahead."
"But what if it's not official with you?" he asked and gave her a glance.
She gave him a look. "What do you mean 'not official' with me?"
He sighed. "You're dating Brian now …"
She interrupted him. "Brian has absolutely nothing to do with your adoption, Jack," she put firmly. "He knows you're a part of this family. He knows I'm adopting you. And, he doesn't get a say or opinion in the matter. It's my decision. And yours."
"I know," Jack allowed quietly. "But there's like … this … insecure part of me that keeps saying you're going to leave."
"I'm not," Olivia said.
"I know," Jack allowed again. "And I know you aren't like … my real mom or my sister. I know you aren't even like my Nana. But she left too. I know it's not her fault. But the Alzheimer's took her and she's just gone too. So it's like … everything in my past tells me that you're going to leave too. Eventually. And … even though … like logically … I know that's not going to happen another part of me just keeps saying it is. That you're going to decide you want a new family with Brian or something will happen at work or you're just get old and sick. And you'll be gone. You'll leave. Just like all of them."
She gazed at him. He looked sad and broken as he sad it. And him saying it that way near broke her again too – it tugged at her heart and draw water to her eyes. She hated the hurt and the questioning in her son. She hated more dealing with knowing that they'd both be combating against it his whole life. No matter how much he grew to trust her a part of him was always going to be waiting for the other shoe to drop. And Olivia knew that was a hard way to live.
"Jack, life happens. Things happen. We both know that. I can't promise you that I'm never going to leave you. We all die. Eventually. But, I can promise you, that is the only way that I am leaving you and Benji. Anything else that comes up along the way we'll deal with as a family and we'll be dealing with it together."
He nodded a little but still looked a little broken. He glanced at her.
"I'm kind of really realizing how much I don't get about relationship," he said quietly. "Like seeing you and Brian together. It's just been … really confusing … and hard."
"I can tell," Olivia acknowledged and his eyes met with hers briefly. There was a quiet appreciation in them – that she'd acknowledged how he felt.
"He was being really nice to you tonight," Jack said quietly. "I could tell you were happy. That he was making you happy."
She gave him a thin smile at that. "Getting to spend time with Brian does make me happy, Jack," she allowed. "He's able to give me things I need – in some ways. But spending time with you and Benji also makes me very happy. What made me happy tonight was the four of us getting to spend time together and enjoy each other. It wasn't about Brian."
Jack gave a little nod at that but went back to examining the cushion.
"I'm glad that you agreed to spend some time with Brian," Olivia broached. "And I'm glad that you're going to come when Alex takes us out to the show. But it's been really bothering me that you haven't wanted to spend any time with me lately. I don't know what I'm doing wrong."
"You aren't doing anything wrong," Jack said. "It's just … me …"
"Sweetheart, I think it's important for us to get that one-on-one time. For us to have a chance to talk privately – without your brother needing our attention. For us to work on our relationship. Even for us to have our own memories and experiences together. But you keep shutting me down."
"I miss doing things," Jack allowed.
"Then why aren't we doing things?" she asked.
He shrugged. "I just … haven't been able to …"
"It's not just the one-on-one time, Jack," she said. "You nearly hang up on me when you call in the evenings. You say goodnight to Benji and then you give me a one word answer about your day and you're gone. You're coming home later on weekends. You're working more on the weekends. I'm never getting to see you. I'm hardly getting to talk to you. That makes it really hard for me to know you or help you or feel like I'm a part of you life – or even like you want me to be a part of your life."
"You're always busy and tired, anyways," Jack said quietly.
She sighed. "It has been a busy month," she allowed. "But part of that is because I've lost my extra set of hands on the weekend. Another part of that is that things are going on at work. There's changes going on. There's cases. And dealing with all this going on at home isn't easy either, Jack. But even in all of that – I'd make time for my sons. I'm trying to make time for both of you. You keep pushing me away."
"I'm trying harder, Mom," he said. "I am now. I promise. It's just hard."
She allowed a little nod. "OK. I understand that. But you also need to understand. I can't have gotten to see my son tonight and then wake up tomorrow morning and have a stranger back in my home again."
Jack looked at her and then suddenly rose from the couch and padded away. Olivia let out a noise at that.
"Jack, com'on," she called after him. "Don't walk away from me."
"I'm just getting something," he said – still evenly.
She sat for a moment and listened. He'd entered their bedroom and she put up a silent prayer that whatever he was doing didn't wake Benji. She could hear him rooting around in his closet. When he finally reappeared he held out another wrapped birthday present to her.
"It'd make more sense if Benji would just open his present," Jack said as she took the gift and gave him a questioning look.
Benji still hadn't opened Jack's one present. It was sitting in the corner. All the other gifts unwrapped but that one. Part of the reason was that Olivia had set it aside until Jack was there but Benji also just hadn't been very interested. Olivia suspected that had something to do with the attitude Jack had been emitting too. Benji was returning the hostility. But as she glanced at the package, she realized it was the same size and shape as the one in her hand.
"You want me to open it now?" she asked.
He gave a little nod so she picked at the paper and removed it and took the lid off the box. She looked down at the skateboard deck that was clearly handmade and hand-painted with an intricately detailed fox.
"I made it for you at camp," Jack said quietly. "Benji's is a little fox. And your's … you know. I know he'll likely want to put trucks and wheels and shit on his … but I thought … you know … it's kind of art. Like you could hang it somewhere."
She gave him a smile – and thin one but a genuine one. He'd been thinking about her at camp. Thinking about their family. It was a small reaffirmation that he wanted this family. He wanted them to get through.
"It's beautiful, Jack," she told him.
He gave a little nod but she held out her arm – giving him the option of a hug and he took it. He set himself down next to her again and leaned into the embrace. She held him tightly. She couldn't feel wet tears where his head was resting but she could feel a slight catch in his breathing where her hand was resting on his back. So she rubbed it more and pressed another kiss into his temple.
"I don't want my boy to disappear again," she told him. "I love him too much."
"I love you too, Mom," he allowed quietly.
Olivia just rubbed at his back even more – waiting for both of them to calm and level so they could try again.
