52) Fitting In

Through the years, Myra had often wondered how it was possible that her only son would be the only one of her six children that she'd never had to worry about. When he was a little boy, she'd often wondered how he'd cope with the lack of male role-models in his life, but he'd turned out like any other boy she'd known. Well, if Myra was totally honest with herself, that wasn't totally true. He would never get into the same kind of trouble she could remember her brothers getting into and if anything, her two eldest daughters were in many ways much more like the typical McQueen boys.

No, John Paul had probably been the easiest out of the lot. He had the McQueen temper alright, but unlike some he'd almost always managed to control it when necessary. He had always done well at school, had never got into real trouble, and had basically always fit in, anywhere he'd ever gone.

With five sisters, John Paul himself often felt like an outsider in his own family, and when he was out playing with his mates, he often wished that he had a brother. Still, as a teenager, he even started feeling alienated from his mates. The growing interest in the opposite sex had seemed to take over everything in their lives and this confused and irritated John Paul.

The focus of football practices was no longer to have fun and become better at the game. With giggling girls on the sidelines all the time, everybody started trying to show off, not only their skills but also their developing muscles and constantly changing hairstyles.

John Paul never felt any need to show off for these girls, something none of his mates ever gave much thought, and if anyone noticed his lack of interest in girls, they always assumed he was just shy and focused. However, this difference confused John Paul himself, and he was always certain that all the others noticed that he never tried to chat up any of the girls.

At the same time that the boys' main topic of conversation became fit girls and sex, John Paul noticed that the words 'queer', 'fairy' and 'poof' had become everyday words among his friends, and those words were definitely not being used in an endearing way. And even if John Paul didn't allow himself to admit for a second that any of these words had anything to do with him, still they stung and filled him with fear that the others knew his deepest secret.

Ever since he'd broken up with his first – and only - girlfriend, Julie, three weeks after they'd started going steady, John Paul had stayed clear of girls. He'd had a few giving him the eye and even trying to chat him up to no avail, and his apparent lack of interest had done nothing to diminish that; in fact, some of them seemed to see that as some kind of challenge, but when nothing came out of it, they'd all just moved on and tried the next cute bloke. Until Mary Anne Langton came along.

Mary Anne moved to town just after John Paul's sixteenth birthday and after joining their class, immediately became the best friend of Laura, the girlfriend of his mate, Joe. When she saw John Paul in the classroom, Mary Anne decided right away that she was gonna get him, after all, both of them having two first names must be a clear sign that they were meant to be together.

Finding out that Mary Anne had a crush on John Paul, Laura was determined to help her new friend bag her man and after some time, managed to persuade a reluctant Joe to help arranging a double date.

The first time they was out, was at the cinema. John Paul didn't know the girls would be joining them and wasn't happy about the arrangement. In fact, he could still not remember anything about the film, even if his life depended on it. He spent the entire night trying to keep his head directed at the screen and his hands still so that Mary Anne wouldn't misread any signals and assume he was going to put his arm around her shoulders.

Mary Anne on the other hand, believed John Paul's lack of contact was due to his shyness, that he was scared of what she'd do if he'd touch her in any way. After a few 'dates' like this, she realised that she'd need to change her tactic and thus convinced Joe that they should organise a party where John Paul could get drunk and relax around her.

The party was held at Laura's place. Her parents were often away and after having raised three older children had got relaxed with any of them having friends over and throwing parties. Laura's oldest brother bought most of the booze and the classmates got quite drunk in a short time. John Paul even became drunk enough to allow himself to be dragged by Mary Anne to 'talk' in one of Laura's brothers' room. They'd been sitting there for a while, chatting about school, when Mary Anne decided to take matters into her own hands and kissed John Paul.

Taken by surprise, John Paul pushed Mary Anne of him and she stumbled and ended up falling on the floor, looking at him in disbelief. And that's when the dreaded words were uttered for the first time:

"You're gay, aren't you?"

John Paul argued and tried his best to convince her that it wasn't the case, that he liked girls, but deep down both of them knew she'd hit the nail on the head. And as she stood up to leave the room, she told him she wouldn't tell a soul – and that she'd even make them all think they'd been in there doing it.

Not knowing that Mary Anne would turn out to be true to her words, John Paul spent the next few months wishing he could just leave town and never return, terrified that any of his mates would ever find out.