be careful, oh my darling / oh be careful what it takes / from what I've seen so far / the good ones always seem to break
The day after Thanksgiving, the Carisi's put their Christmas decorations up. As Sonny's father got older, each year he made a point to go to Staten Island to help him with the task. Thanksgiving was Amanda's favorite holiday, so she welcomed the opportunity return to the Carisi home to eat leftovers all day while the two men squabbled over the contents of dusty boxes from the attic and basement. Jesse had been doing a puzzle with her on the living room floor, until she had lost interest and joined her brother, who was helping Sonny's mother fold laundry upstairs. For some reason both of them found that chore much more exciting at their grandparents' house than when at home with their own mother. That didn't deter Amanda: they were almost done with the puzzle - which depicted three golden retriever puppies clambering out of a wicker basket - and she wanted to finish it. She still had Ruby to tend to, the baby somewhat mobile and very curious about the world around her, so Amanda multi-tasked with one eye on her youngest child and another on the pile of cardboard puzzle pieces on the carpet.
"Ah, look at this gorgeous girl. Walkin' on her own already," Dominick Sr. observed proudly from the couch as Ruby wobbled around in front of him, using the coffee table for balance. The little girl was mesmerized by the lights both of the men were attempting to untangle before they went outside to hang them.
Still sitting cross-legged on the floor, Amanda hovered a palm behind Ruby's back just in case she fell suddenly backward. "She started walking faster than Jesse or Luca," she mused in response to her father-in-law, "guess she's got places to go."
Ruby reached her small arm across the coffee table, straining for the lights in her father's hand, babbling nonsensically but loudly. Sonny looked around for something safer to give the little girl, then settled on some tissue paper that one of the decorations had been wrapped up in. "Here ya go, sweetheart," he offered her cheerfully, balling it up and passing over.
Satisfied, Ruby took the crumpled paper, but when she used both hands to play with it she lost her balance and dropped back into Amanda's lap with a small 'thud.' Thankfully, Amanda was prepared to catch her.
"So, it's official?" Sonny's father wondered after a few beats of silence, "Mia's gonna have this piece of crap's baby and you two are gonna adopt him?"
Sonny and Amanda exchanged cautious glances, then Sonny nodded, "yeah."
"And the father, he's not gonna... interfere with this at all?" Dominick went on suspiciously.
"In New York state if you're convicted of rape your parental rights can be terminated," Sonny explained as he set aside a string of lights.
The older man passed Sonny another tangle of multicolored bulbs. "And Mia? How's she doin'?"
"'Manda and I went to Teresa's and met with her and the lawyer a couple weeks ago. We verbally agreed on everything but... nothing's signed till the baby's actually born," Sonny replied.
"Nothin' in writing yet, huh?" Dominick responded, sounding skeptical.
Sonny's hands stopped their work and he let out an audible exhale. "What, pops? Go ahead, I've been waitin' for your two cents," he blurted irritably, suddenly appearing surly.
Amanda was taken aback by her husband's reaction, but also nervous about what exactly he was anticipating his father would say. She knew the entire situation was sensitive - it had been from the moment Mia had disclosed that she had been assaulted - so Amanda hadn't made a point of discussing much about the adoption with the Carisis just yet. She was anxious about it, too; it was hard to relax without the baby officially - legally - in her arms.
Dominick's eyes widened as he quickly shook his head. "No, Sonny," he insisted. He looked between his son and Amanda. "You've got three great kids and they're great because of you guys. You're doin' the right thing. A good thing. I'm proud of you."
Sonny appeared surprised, then sheepish. "Oh. Well. Okay."
"I think what Sonny means to say is 'thank you,'" Amanda offered gently, giving Dominick a small smile.
"Yeah. Yeah, thanks, dad," Sonny mumbled. He glanced over at Amanda, then his father as he admitted, "I'm just a little... all of this is a little... uh, touchy, I guess."
"Well, anytime Teresa's involved in anything, y'know it's gotta be dramatic," Dominick sighed. He clapped a hand on Sonny's shoulder as he continued, "but Mia's family. You're takin' care of family. That's what we do."
Looking down at Ruby, who was still contentedly playing with the balled-up paper her father had given her, Amanda smiled. Even after all this time, it still surprised her just how different Sonny's family was from her own. While the Rollins were always selfishly protecting their own individual agendas, the Carisis took care of one another even amid arguments and struggles. They could be loud and overbearing, but that never impacted their unconditional love.
Lifting her eyes again, she met Sonny's as she spoke even though her words were directed at his father. "We just really want it to work out okay."
A little smile tugged at the corners of Sonny's mouth as he held Amanda's gaze for a moment before he returned to his string of Christmas lights.
"It's gonna work out fine," Dominick assured them. "We're-"
"Mama, I have hot chocolate?" Luca interrupted as he suddenly burst into the living room, breathless with anticipation as he ran to his mother. He hopped around at Amanda's side impatiently. "Can I?"
She sighed as she glanced down at the watch on her wrist. "One cup. I don't want you bouncin' off the walls."
"Nana, I can have some!" the little boy shouted gleefully as he scampered back into the kitchen. "She said I can!"
"No matter where kids come from, none of this stuff is easy," Dominick concluded after a moment of quiet. He glanced over at his son with an arched eyebrow. "You gave me hell, all the crap you pulled. All four of ya did. But I wouldn't take any of it back. Without kids, what's all this for otherwise?" He gestured around the expansive living room. "For me and your mother to sit around and look at each other?"
Amanda bit back a laugh, smoothing a palm over Ruby's head while she fidgeted in her lap. She recalled a time when she was certain that she would always prefer a child-free existence - now she was clamoring for a forth to complete the family she never knew she wanted. She met her husband's eyes, who appeared amused but appreciative of his father's support, and grinned.
"Luca, Jesse, come in here please," Sonny called up the stairs of their Astoria home one evening.
Moments later, there was the sound of two sets of little feet bounding down the steps before Jesse and Luca appeared. They joined Amanda and Sonny in the living room, both children dressed in their pajamas, their hair still damp from their respective baths.
"We wanna talk to you about something," Amanda explained from her spot on the couch.
"Am I in trouble?" Jesse wondered.
Sonny arched an eyebrow as he sunk back down next to Amanda, one arm stretched along the back of the couch behind her. "No... why, you do somethin'?" he teased.
The little girl grinned sweetly. "No..."
"That wasn't very convincing," he chuckled. "C'mon, sit," he went on to urge both of the kids, "we wanna talk."
Jesse plopped into the oversized armchair across from her parents but immediately began to fidget on the cushion, while Luca shamelessly wedged his body between Sonny and Amanda - despite all of the available space on the sectional. After a moment of wriggling, he clambered onto Amanda's lap instead, curling himself against her chest. His limbs were long for an almost-four-year-old - he was definitely his father's son - so she always found his gangly attempts at cuddling somewhat comical. The little boy popped his thumb in his mouth, the tell-tale indicator that he was tired, and waited.
"So, you know how Mia has a baby in her belly?" Amanda began, looking at her daughter but giving Luca's back a pat to keep him alert. She was oddly nervous, despite the fact that she was the adult in this situation.
"Yeah..." Jesse nodded, then asked, "how'd it get there?"
Sonny loudly and awkwardly cleared his throat. Jesse was at the age where questions about babies, sex and gender came up - repeatedly. Despite his years working at SVU, all of Sonny's training seemed to conveniently disappear when it came to addressing sensitive issues with his own daughter.
The six-year-old narrowed her eyes on her mother. "'Cause you said, you told me that when a mom and a dad-"
"Okay, well, uh, your mother'll go over all that again later," Sonny interrupted her quickly. "So, ah, anyway, like your mother was sayin': when the baby is born, he's gonna live with us."
Jesse's brow furrowed, sufficiently distracted but confused. "Why?"
"Because Mia is... she's not quite a grownup, so she can't take care of him," Amanda explained carefully, "so we're gonna."
"So he'll be yours and Luca's and Ruby's brother," Sonny concluded.
"A brother?" Luca chirped, lifting his head from Amanda's chest.
Sonny nodded and looked over at the little boy with a grin. "Yeah, a brother."
"Where's he gonna sleep?" Jesse wondered.
"He can share my room!" Luca exclaimed.
Amanda smiled down at her son. "That's very sweet of you, baby," she praised him, patting his back before she looked back over at Jesse. "You don't have to worry about that, Jess. Once he's old enough, Luca's room is big enough for the two of them to share. For now, since he'll be so little, he'll stay with us."
Sonny asked Jesse curiously, "whaddya think about all this?"
The little girl shrugged and pulled her knees up to her chest.
"Nothin'?" he prompted her.
"I dunno," the six-year-old huffed, "I don't think we need a new baby."
Sonny raised his eyebrows. "No? Why not?"
Jesse shrugged again before she began to toy with her blue-painted toes, which dangled off of the edge of the armchair. "Luca and Ruby are babies."
"I'm not a baby!" Luca cried, suddenly alert and ready for an argument.
"Shush, alright," Amanda chastised him, restraining him from jumping off of her lap. With her brow furrowed, she studied her daughter - who was very clearly pouting. "Jesse, I thought you'd be excited," she continued timidly, nervous to delve deeper into the little girl's adverse reaction to the news.
"You're always busy all the time," Jesse lamented, her petite limbs going loose as she dramatically flopped against the chair. She rolled her head to one side to look over at Sonny, brown eyes wide and features distressed. "Are you still gonna coach my t-ball?" she whined.
"Of course I am, Jess," Sonny promised her earnestly, casting a quick but concerned glance over at Amanda, "only a hundred and... twenty-three days till spring trainin', remember?"
"Is that what you're worried about?" Amanda asked gently, "that we won't have any time for you?"
With her lower lip puffed out, Jesse scowled at both adults in silence.
"Things are gonna be a little different, okay?" Amanda insisted, adjusting Luca's weight in her lap but still watching her daughter intently. "I know it's always been busy, but we're gonna change some stuff, your dad and me," she went on, "we're gonna rearrange our schedules a little, I'm gonna be workin' less so I can be home earlier with everybody..."
Jesse met Amanda's blue eyes as she mumbled, "like at dinnertime?"
Amanda's heart squeezed in her chest; she hadn't anticipated this conversation making her feel so damn guilty. "Yeah," she replied with a weak smile, "like at dinnertime."
"When?" she challenged her further, continuing to prove that she was every bit her mother's daughter.
"Soon..."
"Tomorrow?"
"Not that soon..."
"The day after?"
"The-"
"The baby will be born at the end of December. So around then," Amanda explained, her eyes flickering over to Sonny in a silent plea for support. She couldn't believe she was being interrogated by a six-year-old - and that it was making her so uneasy.
"Jess," Sonny interjected gently, "I know it's tough sometimes when we've gotta work a lot or at weird times. Every family is different, though, alright? Your friends' parents may work one way, we work another. Like, okay, think about this: how about when your mother's not here for dinner, then she wakes you up in the mornin' to walk you to school? Doesn't she do that a lot?"
"Uh huh," Jesse mumbled, her little brow furrowed.
"And doesn't she do it even when she's so tired her eyeballs are practically fallin' outta her head?" he continued.
"Yes," Jesse giggled despite herself.
"That's because she loves you so much, she'd rather be with you than goin' to bed," Sonny told her earnestly. "'Cause she knows we've gotta do stuff differently sometimes, but she doesn't want to miss out on seein' you however she can."
Amanda looked appreciatively over at her husband.
xxx
Curled up on her side on the couch beneath a blanket later that night, Amanda watched Sonny lope down the stairs back into the living room. "He asleep?" she asked.
He nodded before hovering in front of her. "Out like a light."
She sat up only just enough to allow him to sit down beside her, then immediately dropped her head into his lap. She stared at the blank screen of the television. "Jesse?"
"On the iPad." Settling back into the couch cushions, she felt Sonny's hand drift to her hair, fingers toying through blonde strands lazily as he mused, "she's a tough critic, huh?"
Amanda pulled in a deep breath and exhaled, silently debating speaking the words on the tip on her tongue. "Is this... are we doing the right thing, Sonny?" she eventually asked him, voice soft.
Sonny's fingers kept roaming through her hair. "What d'you mean? Are you havin' second thoughts?" His tone wasn't accusatory; he sounded genuinely curious.
She shook her head against his thigh. "No, I just... I didn't think Jesse would get upset..."
"She's the oldest, 'Manda. Y'know how kids are. She's adjusted great to bein' a big sister twice now. She'll do it again." He added, "we're good parents."
"I just want him to be here already," Amanda whispered.
His palm smoothed over her head before he resumed toying with her tresses. "Me too."
"I was thinking about something."
"About what?"
"'Bout the baby."
"What about him?"
Amanda rolled over so she was on her back. "Well, I named Jesse and you named Luca, and I named Ruby..." She glanced over at Sonny with a little smile as she concluded, "so it's your turn."
Sonny's features lit up. "I gotta great name in mind-"
"Not Dominick," she interrupted quickly.
He deflated dramatically as he scowled down at her. "Aw, c'mon!"
"There's enough of y'all already," she laughed.
"I know. I'm only teasin'," he grinned goofily. He stretched his long arms along the back of the couch and appeared thoughtful. "If Ruby had been a boy, there was a name I was thinkin' of..."
She quirked an eyebrow. "Yeah? You didn't tell me that."
"Well, we said we said we were only gonna come up with names when we saw her," Sonny reminded her, "and when she was born, she was a she. So..."
"So tell me now," she urged him.
After a moment of contemplation, Sonny told her, "I like the name Leo."
Amanda felt her heart flutter with new excitement; hearing Sonny put a potential name to this baby made the entire experience so much more concrete. They had been talking about the adoption almost obsessively for weeks, but it still felt so far away, so abstract. To call the baby something, to give him an identity in their family - that was the most real thing Amanda had felt since Mia had originally offered them the opportunity to parent her child. "Leo," she repeated slowly, allowing the sound to roll from her tongue and hover in the air between them. "I like that name, too," she concluded, a smile playing at her lips. "What about his middle name?"
"Something that sounds nice with Leo," Sonny replied simply.
She rolled her eyes.
"I'll work on it," he smirked.
The house was dark except for the glow of Amanda's laptop. Wrapped up in one of Sonny's old Staten Island PD sweatshirts and track shorts (ones that she'd never admit she had owned since college), she sat perched at the kitchen island, focused on the Macbook's screen as she was deep into an internet search. One leg dangled off of the stool while her other knee was bent upward, providing the perfect place for her chin to rest as she browsed. She had worked all day but it didn't matter: she had become obsessed with Esther and the Labott case. It had been a long time since a situation had caused her blood to boil so fiercely, but telling William that he was free to leave with his daughter had sickened her to the core. Now she was two hours into reading about cult culture and New Jersey incest law, determined to find some small loophole that would allow her to arrest the patriarch of the Labott family. She wasn't willing to accept that enough T's were crossed and I's were dotted to permit SVU to legally walk away from a monster; it felt wrong to Amanda on every level. She would work the case alone if it meant securing justice for a woman who had likely been oppressed and abused all of her life.
"Mama?"
The sound of Jesse's small voice startled a fixated Amanda; she almost fell out of her seat. Heart pounding, Amanda slapped her palm to her chest as she saw her daughter walking toward her through the kitchen in her pajamas. "Jesus, Jesse! You scared me," Amanda exclaimed breathlessly.
"Sorry," Jesse squeaked, coming up to her mother's side.
"It's alright." She smoothed a hand over Jesse's head, the little girl's hair wild from sleep. "What are you doin' up?"
Jesse prodded at Amanda's thigh. "I'm thirsty."
"Here, I'll get you some water." Untangling her limbs, she climbed off of the stool to fill a glass with water for her daughter.
"What are you doing?" Jesse wondered.
"Some work." She carefully passed Jesse a half-full plastic cup.
After taking a gulp of water, she asked Amanda, "will you come lay down with me?"
Amanda gave her a pointed look, as if to say, are you kidding me? "Jesse..."
"Pleeease?" she whined.
Heaving a sigh, she was too tired to argue. "Alright, c'mon. Finish that water."
Once Jesse was done, Amanda closed the cover of her laptop, shut off the kitchen light and followed her daughter upstairs to her bedroom. She let the little girl climb into her bed first, then joined her beneath the blankets. Jesse tucked herself into her mother's side immediately. Now that she was lying down, Amanda was glad to no longer be staring at a screen or searching every corner of the internet for a solution to the Labott case. Not only was she tired, but she was grateful that her own life was so vastly, blessedly different than Esther's.
"Y'know, one day you're gonna be too old for me to keep doing this," Amanda yawned, slipping an arm around Jesse's small shoulders so she could toy with the ends of her hair.
Jesse shook her head against the crook of her mother's shoulder. "Nuh uh."
"When you were a real little baby, I used to sleep with you all the time," she admitted.
"How come?"
"I dunno. I guess I was lonely."
"Why?"
"'Cause it was just you and me. And Frannie."
"What about daddy?"
"He wasn't around so much yet."
"Were you sad?"
Amanda smiled wanly up at the ceiling. "Sometimes. You made me happy, though. When you weren't screamin' and cryin', that is."
Jesse giggled. "Did I cry a lot?"
"No. You were a good baby." Her lips brushed against the top of her daughter's head. "My first baby."
"I'll always be that?" she asked meekly.
"Yes, baby. No matter what," Amanda assured her quietly, recalling their conversation about the new baby the other day and suddenly feeling nostalgic. "You'll always be the first."
On a blustery Wednesday night, Amanda walked into the living room in search of Sonny, her head spinning. Instead she found her oldest daughter on the couch, gaze adhered to the television. The dog was curled up at her side; her ears barely perked at Amanda's presence.
"Where's your daddy?" she asked Jesse curiously.
Jesse's eyes didn't leave the screen, apparently too mesmerized by the Disney Channel show. "In the basement, fixin' something."
"Oh, lord..." Amanda muttered. She tugged at Sonny's NYPD zip-up hanging from the bannister of the stairs and shrugged it on before she padded down the hallway toward the basement. It wasn't that Sonny wasn't handy - it was that his brain worked so much differently than her own that they couldn't do tasks together without squabbling. He saw one solution and she inevitably saw another - and they were both too stubborn to allow the other to be right.
She creaked down the old, narrow basement stairs until she reached the landing. Sonny was tinkering at the makeshift workbench the last family had left behind, the small space illuminated by a dusty overhead light. By his side was what appeared to be Ruby's old bassinet, although it was only half-assembled and didn't look quite like she remembered it.
"Hey, baby. What are you doing?" she asked curiously as she approached him.
Sonny glanced over his shoulder at the sound of Amanda's voice. "I was puttin' this back together the other night and I couldn't find a coupla of the special screws to the bottom." He gestured to the bassinet. "Had to order all new ones, then take it apart again..." He sighed. "They must do that on purpose, make the screws special. Make sure you keep spendin' money."
Amanda scrunched her nose and tilted her head as she eyed the piece of baby furniture, trying to suppress a smile. "It's lookin' a little lopsided..."
Sonny groaned as he turned around and crouched down to assess one of the legs of the bassinet. "Damn, I think I mixed up part 'L' and part 'M'..."
She put her hands in the pockets of the too-big hoodie, her fingers encountering spare change and a gum wrapper. She toyed with what felt like a penny. "Liv said I could go to New Jersey tomorrow night."
He peered up at her through the sweep of his disheveled hair, an eyebrow arched. "This about Esther?"
Amanda chewed her lower lip and nodded. "Yeah."
Sonny nodded, too, but he didn't say anything as he worked to unscrew the misplaced part.
"You don't want me to go?" she guessed timidly, although she had been prepared for him to protest.
"If Lieu says you can go, who am I to say anything different? But... I dunno, in my opinion?" He rose to standing again and exhaled audibly, meeting her eyes as he did so. "In my opinion, you should let this go, Amanda. Yeah, Esther's family is totally crazy but technically, nobody broke the-"
"Something is going on, Sonny," she interrupted anxiously, unable to stop herself, "that girl's brainwashed and tortured and I bet all her brothers and sisters are, too. I'm not just gonna look the other way and pretend I'm not seein' it."
"It isn't your responsibility to save her," Sonny said slowly. "Whatever she's involved in, it's her life."
"It is my responsibility!" Amanda insisted. "It's my job!"
"No, now this is personal for you," he challenged her. Leaning back against the workbench, he crossed his arms over his chest, appearing skeptical. "What happened to you workin' less, huh?"
Amanda visibly bridled at his question. "I am gonna work less, when the baby comes," she responded defensively. "I just, I have to look into this. I'm telling you, something is really wrong here. There's a case here!" she babbled, face flushing with indignation.
Sonny blinked slowly at her, as if taken aback by her impassioned response. "Well," he sighed wearily, "we'll be right here waitin' for you when you're done runnin' around the tristate area on your wacky scavenger hunt."
She scowled, annoyed that he wasn't taking her case seriously. "It's just gonna be a couple of days. I'll go down tomorrow night and come back into the city to check in before going back." Chewing on her lower lip, she eyed her husband, who didn't look angry - just concerned. She deflated, her shoulders slumping. "I just, I'm sorta wrapped up in this, you're right," she admitted, "but just gimme a couple days to do some research and get it outta my system. Please?" Moving so she was standing close in front of him, fingers reached out to tug at the belt loops of his jeans as she offered him a small, coquettish smile. "I know you like it when I say 'please.'"
"Amanda..." He rolled his eyes while very obviously attempting to keep the smirk off of his lips. Meeting her gaze again, he said, "Liv's lettin' you go. You've never asked my permission to do anything. What's different about this time?"
She crossed her arms over her chest and looked down at the dirty cement floor. They were toe-to-toe: her feet were inside her old black Uggs, his in battered Converse. "I dunno. Liv's not too crazy about me goin' either," she spoke to their shoes almost bashfully, tucking a piece of hair behind her ears, "I want you on my side for this one, is all."
"I'm always on your side," Sonny reminded her.
Lifting her head, she frowned. "You think I'm in too deep."
"A little bit, yeah," he admitted. "But even though it kinda drives me crazy when you pull this shit..." he continued with a small, knowing smile, "I've always loved how much you care about the work we do." He reached out for her hips and tugged her into him. "And it's not for the glory-"
"-there's glory in this?" she snorted sarcastically, feet shuffling toward him at his prompting.
"-it's 'cause you know all these people in these cases we work, they've got lives to live after our shift's over," Sonny went on, "it doesn't end for them just 'cause we submit some paperwork."
Standing between his legs, body flush with his, Amanda peered up at Sonny. She slowly uncrossed her arms and smoothed her palms up his chest before encircling her arms around his neck loosely. "Thanks," she murmured, fingers toying absently with a bit of his hair.
"'Manda, just be careful, please," he implored her, giving her hips a squeeze, "I trust your instincts here, I do, but just... don't do anything crazy, okay?"
"I'm not," Amanda insisted, "I'm not gonna be crazy."
"No, you're always crazy," Sonny corrected her with a smirk. "I said don't do anything crazy."
She frowned, then her features softened as she studied the worry etched on her husband's face. "I just... this girl, she didn't choose this life," Amanda whispered, "I know she's technically an adult now, but she doesn't know any other way. And this incest stuff, it may not be illegal in Jersey, but if it's okay in that house, God knows what other stuff is happening there." Her frown deepened, emotion rising in her throat at the mere thought of the possibilities. "Her brothers and sisters aren't safe, Sonny. We know it. How can we know it and not do anything about it?"
His palms soothed up and down her sides slowly. "I get it. I get what you're doin'," he assured her. "I just want you to be careful."
"I will be," Amanda vowed. "I promise."
