[I am entering exams soon. I am currently studying but I wrote this over a week while I was eating dinner or praying. I am updating this while ignoring some stupid movie in religion class. My fanfics are literally the only thing on my mind. None of my studies soaked in]. [2019: Honestly, mood, because I have a midterm tomorrow but I'm here. Also, how many fucking tests or exams did I have in high school because, geez, I always seemed to have one to complain about].
[Old Chapter Title - New Year, Hopefully New Me]
New Year's:
Is it really New Year's Eve already? Wow, time really flies when you have nothing to do.
I know that this is supposed to be the time when you're to be with your family and friends, but not everybody has those people available to them. Don't worry about me. I seem to say that a lot. Well, don't. I kind of like being alone, even if it's also what kills me. I may look, seem, and act as if I want to be alone but, sometimes, I want to talk to someone. Anyone. Maybe someone from my past just to catch up from where we left off; maybe someone I don't know just so they don't correct me if I share a memory incorrectly.
This sometimes reminds me of Amber's days: lonely, even though I had no consciousness of that word at that age. But at least she had Amora even though that was basically the equivalent of solitude since she neglected me. I can't believe I almost spoke about Amora optimistically.
Some days, I find myself replaying some memories - the happy ones, for the most part. The sad ones haunt me at night. The memories vary from playing in the snow, laughing so hard that my stomach hurt afterwards, dancing in a flowing dress, the orphanage fire or hearing the truth about my origins and my cousin. I have so much down time that I end up altering the original memory. For example, what would've happened if it rained on that snowy day? What if I didn't find whatever I laughed at funny? What if I wore a different dress? What if the orphanage never burnt down? What if Amora never came into my life, or what if I ended up going with her? Would I be alive or dead if I followed her? Or what if Britney never stopped me from going with Thor?
What if I actually took Thor's hand?
It's the little details that matter.
That's what I do with my life. Me, a sorceress destined to be the most powerful of them all, and here I am, running my fingers through my hair to untie the knots. You'd think that I would've stolen a comb or brush by now, but no. I have my priorities.
This has gone down a weird and depressing tangent. What was I even talking about? Oh right, New Year's Eve. Is it really New Year's Eve already? Wow. I had no idea. After - let me count - nine days of being homeless, wandering the streets, I've stopped keeping track of the days that pass by. The only reason I assumed it was New Year's Eve was that every single liquor store has a line-up that goes all the way to the end of the street just to get inside the store.
I have memories of New Year's Eve. Good ones. They're from Crystal: the firecrackers, the tiny sips of champagne, the anticipation of waiting for the clock to hit twelve. I bet if Crystal saw me today, she would hate to grow up if she knew what she'd become. Who in the right mind would want to grow up if they knew that I was what they'd become? I can tell you one person who wouldn't but had no choice: me. I should've enjoyed the Crystal Hepburn era while I still had it.
Hell, even Courntey Brown isn't looking so bad.
Again with the depressing tangent, I am so sorry. I am going to distract myself for a while. What's there to do on New Year's Eve?
-o-
Of course, why didn't I think of spending New Year's Eve at Times Square? Sure, it was a train ride away, but sneaking onto the subway is easier than you'd think it'd be for a little girl. It's not like so had any prior plans. I was able to hear the music from the underground, that's how loud this event is.
Millions of people are gathered around, bundled up, as they look up at the sparkling ball making its descent. They scream along to the song being played by the artist as they attempt to dance around with the little space they have. People make fools of themselves on television, probably assuming that everyone will be too hungover to remember it or they do it because they're drunk. Crazy hats and noisemakers are shoved into my arms, I decide to put the hat on even though it's covered in streamers.
Sixty seconds before the new year, people grab each other and begin counting down loudly. The ball makes its way down the pole. I still feel the same excitement Crystal once had - almost like I'm still enjoying her days. As everyone screams zero, everything happens at once: cheering, drinking, kissing.
Oh my god. It's a New Year.
It's actually a new year. It's time to begin again. I can't be dwelling at my crappy past, but work towards my future. I need to move on. I need to live my life. I'm being looked for by people I don't want to find me. I only have one life and at least I know a general time that it's going to end, so I need to take risks and be myself. If I prayed and believed in someone who listens, I would pray for something to happens to me. Good or bad. I want an adventure. Not some house robbery or going to a new city, something exhilarating. Anything. I won't be picky. I just want to stop living this life.
Maybe it's time I get found.
[Time for that "New Year, New Me" crap for this story].
[After my exams, that's about two weeks, we'll see what the new year has in store for her. I already know what's going to happen]. [2019: Why was I like this?]
