-1A/N: I can't believe chapter 50 is finally up, I know the initial date for the chapter release was June 22, my birthday but I thought to give you an early birthday present(which is weird cause I could swear for my birthday you were meant to give me presents). Please review, I really want to know what you thought of this chapter. It's a record breaking chapter, I mean I don't think any Simpson's fic has gotten to chapter 50 and it is officially the longest fic in the Simpson's category. I think this chapter also is makes Bartman 100,000 words long(not entirely sure) but if it is long enough then it means this is the first Simpon's fic to reach that mark which I personally think is annoying. We need some Simpson's fic that are really long and a good read. I mean…. it's not really as good as some of the other fics other there but I put a hell of a lot of effort into it and all I ask is a few reviews for this chapter, criticism(especially ones that can help me improve this fic, for you guys… my readers) or praise is highly wanted… This chapter is special to me, it is at times a parody of work I have done in the past, almost as if recycled into my favourite chapter of my fics but at the same time I wanted to be original and write something that would please all of you. I wanted a mix of romance, friendship, family, adventure, humour and a whole lot of genres. It's around 53 pages and nearly 20,000 words long it is intended to be a good long read and made for that reason. I got out some of my political views, racial views(I was only mocking my heritage however), romance ideas, stupid humour and it was just a release from serious writing in a way but I tried to include that also. I know there are some repetitive themes within this fic, the drug abuse, the running from murders, the problems of alcohol and drugs and other stuff that you might have read in my past work but like I said, it's almost a parody of my past work. Seriously, review it and tell me what you think… I really, really want to know how you found this chapter and more than anything, enjoy it!! Also good luck finishing this chapter in one go.
Bart
"Wake up Bart," I awake to Maggie opening my eye lids, letting the sun blind me. It was a rather hot day and the sun was surely doing it's job, this continues then I might have cancer. I would hate to have cancer, cancer is for sissy's that can't handle a little bit of U.V rays.
"What do you want Maggie?" I say a little annoyed, I was having a good dream about killing whale killers. I know that's more of an activist's dream but I was enjoying blowing people's brains out. Me and Lisa were doing it together and it was fun. I got to admit in real life I would never get to do something so fun, something about shooting a bullet and watching a man die is entertaining but in real life they have a place called prison. It's dark, dirty and you get rammed.
"I want to play hide N' go seek," Maggie replies, I sometimes wonder if every brother has to deal with this. I mean it's almost cute sometimes but its so annoying to have Maggie around me all the time. I'll be glad when I move out of this place and leave Lisa to deal with her, I know I love Maggie the best out of my family but she is way to annoying.
"Maggie!!" I protest, if every 8 year old woke up her older brother to play hide and go seek then I can bet you there would be less 8 yr olds. Although I would never lay a hand on Maggie now matter how much I wanted to sometimes give her a slap for being such a nuisance. She is worst than Jehovah witnesses.
"What? I just want to play a game, I'm bored. I like playing with you, your cool." I roll my eyes, I couldn't yell at Maggie, I could easily yell at anyone but not her. She had a power over me, she was so loving and clingy that I couldn't break her heart. I hate the magic she has, controlling everyone with her innocence and cuteness, she is worst than those evil teddy bears that wanted to take over the world… that is a different story, it happened to me some time a go and I don't want to talk about it.
"Can't you bug… uhh I mean play with Lisa instead?" I say with a smile, giving her a tight hug. I still want to have a few more hours of sleep and I haven't exactly been in the mood to play hide N' go seek for about…. 10 years.
"Lisa went to Alex's," Why didn't Lisa take Maggie as well? I bet you she does this just to torment me. God damn it, I hate Lisa sometimes but I guess I deserve it, I have done a lot of things that are worst. A clingy sister isn't as bad as having pig blood poured onto too you when you have a magically date with your crush. Oh I remember that like it was yesterday, Lisa was so angry she started physically attack me. Dad had to hold her back but she gave me a black eye but that didn't stop me from laughing. Collin, I think that was the name of the bloke she was dating, looked at me appalled but I told the Irish punk to go back to Scotland.
"Boy, your finally up," Homer says pulling my covers from me and opening the window. He gave me a warm smile that I was to tired to reply to. He patted Maggie's head, much like he has done to me and Lisa in the past. I have to admit Homer has become slightly smarter in recent years but he is still a couple of hundred I.Q levels below that of a mentally challenged person.
"Didn't have a choice Homer," I say crawling out of bed, Maggie not leaving me alone for a second. I'm glad I had fallen asleep in my clothes instead of pyjamas but then again I know Maggie wouldn't watch me change. Maggie knew sometimes when she was unwanted, I just wish she knew when she was unwanted better.
"Right, Right… well after much talk me and your mother have decided to move," I look at Homer with shock, did he say what I think he said?
"MOVE?"
"yeah I mean we have all this money, I can't spend all of it on beer, only most of it… so we are moving to a richer and better place to live…. California." He can't just make a decision like that, I mean he will ruin mine and Lisa's life, Maggie I guess is still young and hasn't establish a secure life in Springfield yet. She will one day, that is my hope. I got to admit Springfield is a piss filled town, one where if you think you got a future you got to think again.
"CALIFORNIA!! Wait, you can't… we can't.. Springfield is our home, can't we just give our money to the poor people or something,"
"Bart, God put poor people on the world for a reason, so we can laugh at them, if I solved poverty then all I'll have left to laugh at is fart jokes and Britney Spear's face," He did have a good point there. I doubt Homer will ever give money to charity but it was worth a shot, right? Well I think a good thing for him to do with that money is to blow it on alcohol, I mean live fast, die young instead of a boring life where you die of nothing but old age. I mean many of my heroes have done it, Sid Vicious, Jimi Hendrix, Kurt Cobain and let's not forget that author of this fic has asked to have a bullet put on his head when life gets too dull.
A/N: That's right Bart, I have asked to have a bullet put in my head before I'm 30 cause after that you life becomes gay.
"You know it's a tragedy that Britney Spears is made fun of so much, I mean she is just a normal person like me and you. So maybe she had a little drug problem and shaved her head, so what?" Maggie said although I wasn't really paying attention. Britney Spears is a bitch that I hope gets assassinated one day, I'll do it myself if I had a gun.
"Maggie…sweetie?"
"Yeah daddy?"
"Shut up!" He says harshly, almost reducing her to tears. Homer was sometimes a very harsh person but he never meant to be a bad man, he just did a lot of bad things. I mean Homer is a good dad but I will never forgive him if he made us move to California, I mean I love the place but Springfield is home.
"Listen the point is, Springfield just seems to get boring after a while."
"California will too, please dad you can't do this," All my friends will disappear within seconds, Jessica out of my life for good… I can't let that happen. I know Jessica and I would be reunited one day but I can't help but think if we move then Jessica might get married to some little punk like Ralph.
"well we will see, right now I got to go down to Moe's, drinking contest." Maggie still didn't let me out of her sight. She was holding onto my tightly, maybe Lisa was right about how mum raised Maggie. Ever since she was an infant she was giving all this attention and it ended in her being really clingy. I decided to call Jessica, I got to tell her what my dad has just told me.
"Bart, oh hey… so good to hear from you. You hadn't called me all week, I was thinking something happened,"
"Dude… my dad wants to move," I say it bluntly.
"What? You can't move…please tell me your joking,"
"I'm not joking, California is where we might be going,"
"California… but the girls there are beautiful… I can't compete with them,"
"uhhh ok… that's not weird or anything, your not bi are you?"
"no… I meant if you go there then if you return… you might not find me attractive anymore,"
"Dude, look that isn't that important, I mean I know when we started dating, our face was the only thing in my mind but as time passed I have come to love the person inside. That demonic little bitch that always want to cause trouble is the thing I love."
"awh that so sweet, see you can't move… cause we were meant for each other, you're my bitch and I'm your goddess." She had me there. I couldn't move because being separated from Jessica would be hard, maybe if they moved then I would have to move out… stay back in Springfield somehow, I know I'm not old enough to have a good job but I got to try.
"I dunno, I guess I have to convince my dad or something,"
"Oh I got the perfect idea," I listen to what she has to say and I can't help but give a little smile.
"It's ideas like this one that keep things fresh, we are always up to no good," I say with a devilish grin. If Homer wants to move, then Jessica's plan will be perfect. I love the way she can come up with the perfect plan within seconds. She is so much more smarter than me, not a good thing all the time but this time it was.
Homer
"Look, look… I can't kill Bart, he is one of my best friend's son."
"Moe, you will do what my master commands of you," I can't help but overheard this conversation happening in the dark alleyway behind Moe's.
"I won't kill Bart,"
"you must not anger Sideshow Bob,"
"Look Prince, I am telling you I am not doing it, if that pussy was such a great criminal he could have done it himself," I hear there footsteps coming my way, I can't help but run inside the tavern. It was Martin Prince and Moe having an odd conversation. Maybe it had something to do with the Kennedy assassination. Soon both of them walked into the bar.
Already waiting for the bartender was Professor Frink, Reverend Lovejoy, Willie and Otto. The first two were a surprise to me. I guess being a mad scientist or a faggy minister has it's down sides and you are forced into man's paradise and have to have a drink. The man's paradise, where fumes of poison and drinks of death await… ahh it's so nice to have a bar in Springfield.
"you guys, it's a Sunday afternoon, do you really have nothing better to do than drink?" Moe asks as he starts pouring beer into mugs.
"no, not really,"
"I have to tell you all something, the Simpsons are moving to California." Everyone that was drinking stops. Everyone in the bar has there eyes on me and I was starting to get uncomfortable.
"What? Your moving? That's really gonna screw up my daughter, she and Bart have gotten really close despite my objections."
"despite your objections? Don't you think Jesus peaks on your daughter now and then when she is having a shower,"
"No!"
"good… cause I don't either," I lamely say drinking down the mug that was half full. I have to admit his daughter is hot, I mean if Bart wasn't already… uhh actually I'm not going to tell you that. It's kind of sick and wrong and it involves chains and a whip.
"oh gavin, you can't move, I was hoping Lisa would continue with my work in the science and galvin research. Without proper understanding of astrophysics, how is one going to disprove God? No offence Rev,"
"Yeah, if it wasn't for your boy's tree house I would have been homeless for quite a while," Willie says with a smile.
"Even I have to admit I don't want you to move, without Lisa I don't have a worthy rival," Martin Prince says. It's shocking that Martin has gotten away with some of the things he has done in the past. If we had a proper police force this geek will be making acid to break steel bars.
"We haven't decided yet so stop all your bitching," I say as I ask for another beer by simply handing Moe my mug.
"You know, you must have a bit of cash, I mean selling the power plant and getting some of old Burn's cash. I worked hard all my life and all I have is this crappy bar and you red necks."
"Red necks? I resent that, I am a Reverend after all,"
"A Reverend with a drinking problem," I correct him. He rolls his eyes and downs his beer. He is actually quite a nice guy, I have to admit we have gotten closer ourselves since our children have been dating but he is still a minister and church people piss me off.
"Without Bart, who's tree house am I going to occasionally crash in?" Otto says pulling out a pipe. I thought a brought that guy a house already. Guess he sold it for drug money.
"I told you guys to drop it, I'm not even sure yet."
"leaving town?" my jaw drops like a great white shark's when I see Sideshow Bob walk into the bar.
"You…You…who are you again?" I ask after drinking down my beer.
"your friendly homicidal maniac,"
"Friendly? Why don't you get a hair cut hippie?" His laugh is cruel but he decides to take a seat and ask for another beer. I'm serious, look at that thing, it's worst than a pineapple.
"I killed Krusty the clown, I mean I actually killed him. All your life you try to kill some innocent little boy and fail yet you kill one of the biggest stars on T.V."
"you killed Krusty? He was the God dude with the moustache right?" I ask.
"no that's your neighbour imbecile, I am shocked he hasn't moved," Sideshow Bob says, the bar is filled with an eerie silence. Everyone seems to be afraid to make a sound at the look of Sideshow Bob but I'm sure he isn't that bad of a guy.
"I have a neighbour? Well it's about time, I don't usually keep horses and stuff but this one time I got Lisa a pony and she like had a boner for it. And then…" I am cut off by Sideshow Bob.
"Anyways, I heave nothing more than a friendly warning, your son and Jessica are dead. I'm not too happy about Lisa foiling some of my plans, I think I'm break her legs."
"oh no Bart is dead? Well he had a good long fulfilling life. So when's the funeral?" sideshow Bob sighs as he and Martin leave the bar. I'm glad they are gone, they were really weird and I mean like O.J weird.
"don't you think we should call the cops?" The reverend asks.
"Hey man, if I want to do weed it's my choice, how can they make something that is grown in the ground illegal anyways?" Otto says as he takes another puff.
"no I mean about Sideshow Bob," The Reverend explains as Otto takes in another puff.
"sure, does anyone have a phone?" Professor Frink asks.
"Cell phones? Pfft that is so Generation Y and Z, not us baby boomers, they call us baby boomers cause we didn't have protection and I ended up having three accidents. Also we fuck babies," I explain to professor Frink. It's about time I teach the mad professor something and that was obviously something he didn't know.
"We can't just sit here and do nothing," The Rev says in a frantic state.
"Calm down, old Willie will take of your youngins, leave it up to old Willie to pay respect to people that helped him out,"
"I got to go warn Jessica," Tim says as he jumps off his seat and runs out the door.
"Hey, you didn't pay for that." Moe says.
"Wait a second, if sideshow Bob is going to kill Bart… that means he is in danger… danger of dying…. FREE BEER!!" I say as I run out of the bar and jump into my car. I rev my engine twice because that's how us Gs roll. I mean I was just chilling with them niggers on the west side when I realised how fly I was and that my fly was down.
"Bart…Bart, Sideshow Bob wants to kill you…again,"
"Dad can't you see I'm trying to read?"
"I'm serious, your going to be killed Bart,"
"Dad I meant I'm not Bart, I'm Lisa… do you really think Bart would read?" Oh yeah, I forgot that Bart was the spiky one not the pineapple head.
"Bart, I saw Sideshow Bob… he wants to kill you,"
"He might as well, I rather die than move from my home."
"I'm super serial."
"Super serial?"
"Yeah, super serious cereal."
"Dad, I really like Springfield, I don't want to move,"
"your only saying that cause The Rev's daughter sticks her tongue down your throat,"
"Partly, yes… but still,"
"Look, nothing is decide right now, except your living with Willie so pack you shit and you might want to buy some protection cause Jessica is going to be living there too…"
"Protection?"
"you know… cutie spray, anti chick magnets and of cause a gun in case Sideshow Bob comes and you have to kill Jessica because you can't let her be killed by Sideshow Bob."
A/N: Oh I'm sorry to interrupt and I don't want to gloat or anything but that is some good shit, am I right? Okay back to the story.
"oh yeah, so your saying to protect Jessica from Sideshow Bob I must kill her?"
"precisely,"
"but then I would be hurting Jessica,"
"look, I'm just saying that us fatalist believe that everything is predetermined and Jessica being shot is fate so it's up to us to decide who is going to shoot her. Can you seriously let her be killed by your mortal enemy? Of cause not, you got to do it yourself."
"That's not really fatalism,"
"Isn't it son?"
"no, no it's not,"
"oh, well it's something,"
Bart
"Jessica," I say as I enter Willie's house. This is a lot nicer than his shack, in fact it's better than my tree house and home too.
"now I know you two are going out but I don't want any hanky doodling in my house,"
"Hanky doodling?" Jessica questions as I enter the house and lock the door.
"you know, finger painting, I don't mind if you use brushes but come on children, using your fingers, that's only good for poking, am I right Jessica?" He says with a laugh, his red beard shaking as he laughs. I can't imagine Jessica don't something so… well I guess everyone has temptations and I don't really… do anything like that with her. I'm sure she doesn't poke though.
"I find that extremely sexist," Jessica says annoyed.
"sorry lass, you bleeding out your kotch today?" I can see Jessica hiding her anger but I decide to ignore it and take a seat.
"now, remember there must be no Tom foully,"
"Tom foully?"
"Yeah… you know, poor poetry, if you want to write some poetry go a head but no crappy poetry, I hate crappy poetry."
"how about… darkness clouds my life, imprisoned by suicide, death is freedom?"
"Jessica, keep your emo crap in the toilet, don't forget cutting your wrists is fun till you hit a vain," Willie is acting weird today.
"fine, how about… love is like a smoker taking their first puff in the morning," I might have given up smoking but that has nice memories. Me and Jessica pretty much had to quit when we ran out of money. I mean we shoplifted them after that but slowly we got bored of doing that.
"Similes, I thought I said no crappy poetry, anyways you want something to eat? Haggis maybe?"
"no way dude," Jessica says, everyone knows the only thing worse than Haggis is a Jew. Jew's are all stringy and after eating them you have a desire for money and stealing land. If America wasn't in Israel then that little Jewish land will be blown the fuck up by all the pissed off Muslims surrounding it.
Jessica switches on the T.V, the news is on. There is no information of any use on the news, as usual it's just propaganda created by Fox, the American Gossip channel. Willie walks into the kitchen, leaving me and Jessica alone.
"you think similes are cool right Bart?"
"why do you care?"
"well I don't." She said a little angrily. I never fully understood the mechanics of poetry, I mean metaphors, similes, syntax, connotation and crap like that? I think poetry should just been expressing yourself without that bullshit. Wait what the fuck am I talking about? I don't like poetry, I like song lyrics.
"Bart, we got to take this seriously, I mean since Sideshow Bob is in town, he will be looking for you. Not just him, his allies too. And we don't know who his allies could be."
"Jessie, Relax… we are safe for now,"
"What about your family? What about mine? No doubt he is going to pay them a visit,"
"Doh!"
"God damn right angry grunt. What are we to do? I mean my mum and dad are in trouble. Lisa and Maggie are too."
"Why did you say angry grunt?"
"I don't like saying Doh! I'm not a Simpson yet." She said with a typical school girl giggle. Well I asked her to marry me, what the fuck is she giggling about?
"do you still have some of Alex's sleeping pills?" Trying to change the subject, I need something to relieve all this stress.
"uhh, yeah I haven't touched them."
"Pass me the bottle,"
"ok…" She said as she handed me the bottle. I pulled out a bottle of water from my bag and downed 3 pills of happiness.
"Problem solved," I say.
"BART!!" I grabbed 3 pills and shoved it down her throat along with some water.
"Bart… why did you do that?"
"We got to relax man, if we worry ourselves then something bad will happen. I know Bob, he isn't going to risk going near our families right now because he knows the cops will get him. So relax, and enjoy the euphorically enhanced state these pills give," The fact was Bob was going to visit my family, he knew the cops in this town suck.
"Wow… I guess I was stressing out a little,"
"A little Jess?"
"Yeah a little," I grab her and give her a passionate kiss. My tongue hated the taste in Jessica's mouth, it was the same taste in mine.
"Eww!!" Me and Jessica say in unison with Willie has he walked into the room.
"Did I mention no taurine seeking?" He says with a smile.
"Taurine seeking?"
"Yeah, no watching MTV."
"You can say that again," I say as Jessica giggles.
"Also, no sex!!" Willie was straight to the point with that one.
Homer
It's been a week since my son was forced to hide in an old friend's house. Marge has been worried sick and I have been watching T.V. Lisa looks a bit stressed out, for surely she is the second worst enemy on Bob's list. Lisa has helped Bart once or twice to foil Bob's evil yet stupid plans. Lisa actually looked worst than stressed, she looked depressed to the point of suicide. I wanted to help her but I was busy watching T.V.
"Daddy?"
"Yes sweetie?" I say turning the T.V up as Maggie sits on my lap.
"Where's Bart?" I put the T.V up a little more and drink my beer.
"At a friend's house,"
"for a whole week?"
"Yeah, good friend."
"But why?" The Television's speakers must be busted, I can't drown out her voice and it's on max.
"ok look, Maggie your probably old enough for this anyways and I'm not going to beat you around the bush. Remember that guy the hypnotised you and tried to make you kill yourself early last year?"
"Yeah. Sideshow Blob?"
"That's right. Anyways, he is actually a scary monster from the planet Xenon and he wants revenge on Bart because Bart has stopped him from destroying the Earth so many times in the past. Anyways now Bart is hiding the planet kilt town with Jessica cause the scary monster has some friends and they are going to rip off Bart's skin and peel of his flesh and feed it to the devil's dog which lives underneath this very house and in fact all houses."
Maggie's face has a look of terror and fear or maybe it was fear and terror. Lisa suddenly walks into the room.
"Lisa, what's the matter sweetie?" I say, observing her look of insanity. Stress is one of the worst things known to man, sure it can make you do things faster and speed up natural development just like steroids but in the end it screws you up, just like steroids. I should get Lisa some steroids.
"What's the matter? My brother could be dead but what's worst is that I could be too!!"
"Lisa, Lisa, a scary monster from Xenon wants revenge on Bart and is going to feed his flesh to the devil's dog which lives underneath this house?" Maggie says tugging on Lisa's skirt.
"What?"
"Dad told me that is why Bart is living in kilt town with Jessica. That's why he has been gone for a week."
"No! No it's not Maggie." Lisa screamed at her, causing Maggie to wince. I can't believe Lisa just did that, she was always so kind to Maggie.
"The reason Bart is gone is because Sideshow Bob is in Springfield and wants to get revenge for putting him in prison so many times. Sideshow Bob is a murderer, he killed Krusty the clown and Samantha, stupid little catholic bitch. I mean they worship a bitch that never got laid."
"oh…." Maggie says.
"Lisa calm down, here take some of Alex's sleeping pills,"
"I can't believe Alex just gives her sleeping pills to people,"
"uhhh gives… yeah that's what she did. Stealing is wrong!" So maybe I visited Alex, at 3 am when she was actually asleep and stole things from her, it doesn't make me a bad person. I mean bad people steal from the poor, stealing from the rich isn't really a crime. What are taxes anyways?
"Dad, what if sideshow Bob comes here?"
"Relax Maggie, you might need some of these pills. Look, I got a trap outside the house for sideshow Bob,"
"You mean the box filled with your old porno magazines?"
"Actually Lisa, they were Moe's,"
"Moe threw out his porno magazines?"
"no, I just borrowed them without his permission, I'm a Simpson, duh!!" My mummy always told me not to smoke inside, but I do it anyways. That is relevant to the plot somehow but you'll have to figure out how, cause I sure as hell don't know.
A/N: The fact is my mum walked into the room and told me off for smoking inside the room.
Homer: How longer are you going to add little author notes?
A/N: Hey I'm the fucking author not you, I can kill you… in fact I could make Sideshow Bob come into the house right now and shoot you in the balls.
Homer: I'm not afraid of you, anyways back to the story.
A/N: Hey I'm meant to say that.
Homer: Don't be a little bitch, back to the story now.
"How is that going to stop him?"
"Lisa, he went to prison, you can't have sex in prison, even jacking it off is hard with people watching your every move. See, someone is opening the box," I say as I open the door. 3 dozen men suddenly ran off, each carrying at least two magazines.
"Oh… well I always have a plan B."
"What's plan B daddy,"
"Well Maggie… I'm off to Moe's!!" I say as I sprint out of the house but run out of energy near the mail box and end up walking the rest of the way.
Bart
"ok, how are you enjoying your diner?"
"oh I love Haggis…" Jessica says in a sweet voice, only barely fooling Willie.
"Yeah, it taste like…uhh flavour country," A very dirty and horrible flavour country. How the fuck do they cook this shit anyways? I mean if the Scots had some spices and maybe an oven…
"awh serves my praise to know that wee ones like me food," Willie says swallowing down what's left of his diner. I wish he had a dog so I could feed him this shit but then again that's animal cruelty. When Willie finally finishes his food and leaves me and Jessica run to the sink and chuck the so called diner down the skin.
"Dude, I can't stand this much longer, I'm so hungry."
"Calm down Bart, here…" I hate to admit it but me and Jessica have a new drug problem, the sweet bitter taste of Zopiclone. I mean it makes everything taste like shit but it gives you a nice high, better than nice. We both down what's left of the bottle. You know, even if it make's thing taste like shit it doesn't really matter, Scots can't cook.
"okay, I got a plan. We can tell Willie that we are leaving his house because it might be dangerous to stay in one place for too long."
"Wow Bart, these pills make you smart," Jessica's speech is barely coherent, in fact I realise that me and Jessica are starting to slurry our speech even when we aren't high. We do exactly what I thought of, Willie dismisses our speech as us being tired but agrees to drive us to another place to stay.
"But where?" I ask Jessica after we have packed the small amount of stuff we had.
"well we are out of pills and you know there is one place where we can get them,"
"Dr Hibberts?"
"No Bart, Alex's house."
"Yeah!! We can actually live in a house that is fit for a king and queen. Do you think she let us stay?"
"Even if she doesn't, her house is fucking huge, I bet it has a hundred spare bedrooms,"
"Yeah!! We could kill her!!"
"No idiot, I meant we could secretly live there, Bart your skin is so smooth, can I lick it? I bet it would be like licking a cloud,"
"if I can lick yours, I mean you use cream and shit, do you use ice cream?" Willie looked a little freaked out from our conversation and did nothing more than move our bags into his car and start the engine. We jumped into the car, we are now feeling the high, obviously noticeable from our conversation.
"See yah!!" Willie says before checking if Alex will actually let us stay. We ring the bell, it's a sweet melody of Beethoven's, fur elise I believe and I can't help but ring it again and again.
"okay, Bart…. I'm here, what do you want?"
"this door bell!!" I say ringing it again.
"Alex, is that the new slaves?"
"Dad… I told you not to call them slaves and uhh no, these are my friends."
"Friends? But look at there clothes, they are all poor like." Her parents, who I have seen for the first time ever walk away. I know my jeans have a rip and Jessica's skirt does too but we can't be bothered shopping for new clothes.
"What do you two want?" We got into Alex's room and Jessica explains everything.
"Planet Xenon, feeding flesh to the devil's dog? Haggis? You guys must have been abusing my pills," She says sadly.
"look, look… it's simple, Sideshow Bob is going to kill me and I need a place to hide, Willie's house sucks so we want to live here for a little while," I say with a smile.
"ok, but uhh, do you have any of my pills left?"
"nope… we just had the last few,"
"Damn! Damn! Damn 1"
"Damn 1? Don't you mean Damn!?"
"Sorry, sorry… typo… but someone stole the last of my pills a few days ago."
"oh, well there is hints of it on my tongue? Want to lick it out?"
"BART!!" Jessica says slapping me on the cheek. Her hands were smooth but the pain was… uhh painful. When your high, you can't think of… uhh… fuck it!
"you can lick them out of my tongue but not my boyfriend's… you try anything and I swear that I will… oh my gosh your bed is so comfortable, did you make it out of a cloud?"
"uhh… ok, maybe I shouldn't have given you those… I thought you said you couldn't sleep,"
"well that was the problem before but I decided not to use them then. I'm glad now, it's like I'm in heaven, except God realised it wasn't my time so he sent me back to your house." Jessica said with a cheeky giggle.
"Jessica, I only want her to lick the pills off of my tongue, you know she's hot!!"
"Of cause I know that Bart, oh what the hell… I mean I always wanted to have a threesome anyways, I mean I would have prefer another guy but who can resist a hot blonde anyways,"
"uhhh, ok you guys are starting to creep me out,"
"oh, well can I touch your breasts?" Maybe Jessica was bi, that means we are going to have some fun later in life.
"Jessica, I think you guys need some sleep, even that Matt groening guy isn't this crazy,"
"isn't he the one that made that lame futurama?"
"Bart, that wasn't lame… it was funny. I love that bender guy,"
"I heard he had an even better show before that, it had this fat bald dad with an alcohol problem, a nagging blue haired mum, an annoying little sister, a boy who was always up to no good and a little baby that shot a really old guy." I say as Alex sits on a chair watching us uncomfortably. We were relaxing on her bed, which I have to admit is much better than mine. Homer has so much money yet I still sleep in my old krusty bed that I have had since I was like 10. I can't believe how cheap my father is sometimes, I mean all a good bed costs is 2000 and it would cure my sometimes insomniac periods where all I tell people is my famous line "Can't sleep, clowns will eat me." Some people actually think I mean that literally, I mean I did when I was little but now I had grown up and I only use it cause everyone else seems to love that phrase.
Homer
"ah… it's you!!" I say as I observe the door open and 3 men walk into the living room. I can't remember there names but I know they were just stopping by for a good drink with Bart. I guess I'll have to tell them that Bart is hiding in Willie's home.
"Dad, I told you too lock the door," Lisa said as I can't help but shove down 2 pills and a can of beer down her throat. I really hope that shut's her up, I can't stand her bitching anymore. I mean Lisa is smart but I hate people that show off about there smartness, so you can write 50 chapters? Who really gives a fuck? Not me cause I don't have an attention span long enough to last for 50 fucking chapters. I mean what happened to the good old days when writers knew they were unwanted?
"well Homer, I told you I would kill Bart, where is he?" That sideshow guy asks.
"I'm not telling you,"
"oh really?" He says grabbing Maggie and putting a gun to her head.
"now sweet little Maggie, you know I don't have anything against you, so your going to show my friend Snake the kitchen," Maggie does so and soon they return. I am confused about what is going on.
"okay homer, see this ham?"
"yeah!!" I say excited but he then throws it to the ground and steps on it. What an evil and insane man he is.
"NO!!" I scream as I fall to my knees. How could someone do something so cruel?
"what kind of inhuman person are you?"
"I'm am going to be reasonable, tell me where Bart is."
"No!! Not the beer!!" I say as he breaks of one can and spills it to the ground.
"please, no more!!" The insane man doesn't listen as he breaks of another two and lets them drain on to the carpet too.
"what kind of man are you?"
"Last can, Homer!!" He says as he opens it, slowly preparing to tip it.
"ok, ok.. He's at Willies, please just don't do it." He gives a harsh and evil laugh before walking away with the can.
"phew, I'm glad that's over."
"Homie, don't you see what you have done?"
"I saved a beer can and if there's anything wrong with that…"
"he is going to kill Bart now," Marge says sadly, holding Maggie tightly who was crying. Maggie must definitely be my child, crying over spilt beer.
"no he's not, probably misses his old arch nemesis and wants to say hello,"
"no homie, he is going to kill my little baby," Marge says as she starts to cry. If she was so worried about Bart why didn't she do something other than sit on her hot ass?
"luckily I got a call from Alex saying that Bart and Jessica are with her,"
"Lisa, don't interrupt, your mother was crying," Wait a minute… if he is going to kill Bart.. Then I have to…. Go to Moe's!!
After a quick drive to Moe's I stare at the tavern. Every time there is a problem, I drink it away but if I do it this time, then Bart might be dead. I have really come to like Bart in the past 17 years, I mean at the start I was all like NO!! the condom shouldn't have broken but a week after that I realised that having a son wouldn't be bad. Of cause he has been a thorn in my ass for the last 16 years of his life, I mean as soon as he set my thumb on fire after Marge pushed him out I knew he was going to be a little demon. But he is my little demon and I need to help him. He was so sure that I would fail him as a father that he ran away from home when things looked the worst. What kind of father drinks away his problems and leaves his son to die? The American father yes, but I'm setting an example. Only drink when your kids are the trouble not in trouble.
"Homer, haven't since you here in nearly 2 hours, what's been keeping you?" Moe asks as he cleans another mug. Professor Frink, Reverend Lovejoy, Carole, Lenny, Apu and Ned Flanders were already there.
"Ned what are you doing here?"
"drinking,"
"yeah but that's hot coco,"
"yeah, Moe really knows how to make a delicious hot chocolate drink, it's diddly-tastic,"
"look you guys I need some help, this town's police force sucks so we need to protect my son and kill that Sideshow dude and the white knight and maybe break Martin's legs and snap Snake's Spine."
"I'm in," they all say except for Moe.
"Sorry, no Reverends, Muslims, Hindus or gays,"
"What? I'm only half Muslim," Carole says annoyed.
"so, your half a terrorist."
"well what's wrong with us Hindus?"
"too many fake Gods and Goddess,"
"I'm not gay!!"
"sure Lenny, what about that time you were staring at Carole's penis in the decontaminant thingy after he got radiation poisoning?"
"I was just comparing sizes,"
"for half an hour?"
"well what about me, my daughter is in danger too because of your son,"
"look, Reverend's hate gays, there is nothing worse than repressing gays from their true selves,"
"I don't hate gays,"
"Fine, Fine, Ned, Frink, Lovejoy we got some asses to kick, the rest of you enjoy your sweet, sweet beer." We rush to Frink's house, cause he has the latest weapons of science, so much better than those fake weapons of mass destruction. I don't know if this is a bad move, what if Sideshow Bob is really just dropping in to say hello?
Bart
"you guys okay?" Alex says as she brings us both a glass of water.
"dude, we aren't going to drink that, that bitter taste of Zopiclone makes all liquid taste like metal,"
"oh, yeah. D.M.Y," She says as she takes the water back.
"Dude, did she say D.M.Y?" Jessica asks.
"Yeah, I know that's so lame. She said that in like the 2nd grade."
"yeah Alex is kind of lame sometimes, I hate those preppy bitches, make us girls into stereotypes, all my god, those shoes are so pretty, look Bart its got a lace!!" I roll my eyes. One of my favourite things about Jessica was that I could relate to her, I didn't need to listen about shoes or hairstyles, she was a down to earth person that didn't dwell on popularity. Also she is hot, that is always a bonus.
"Bart, Bart!!"
"Dad?" I say confused as I hear his voice.
"oh there you are, get up, brush your teeth, smack your bitch… uhhh cut that last bit out," He added the last part after Reverend Lovejoy's frown.
"What are all of you doing here?" Jessica asked after 4 locals walked into the room.
"Well you know how the cops in this town? They are obese and always wasted." Homer asks as he eats a donut and drinks a can of beer.
"yeah…"
"well we came to protect you and we are working for your friend's parents,"
"you are?"
"Yeah were slaves!! Except we get paid, look Bart… a 1 a day,"
"Dad… you got like a few million in the bank,"
"pfft, your just jealous that I'm getting paid," Homer says as he takes a seat. I roll my eyes, my dad might not be the smartest of men, in fact is the complete opposite of that but his heart is always in the right place. Even if his heart if filled with oil and lard, it still pumps love.
"Anyways, you, Alex and Jessica hang out here, we'll do the rest," I didn't know what the rest part meant but they leave the room and that's all I care about. Something randomly passed my mind, something that had happened to me many years ago.
"Jessica, when we first met, how come you stole from the collection plate and let me take the blame?"
"What?" She looked confused that I would ask such a thing, I don't know why that came into my mind it just did and I had to ask.
"I mean, we were going out and stuff and you let me take the blame for something so big."
"Bart… uhhh… does that really matter? It was like 7 years ago."
"but why? Why did you do it?"
"you know back then I was just seeking my father's attention… you were just like Milhouse back then, a puppet and a scapegoat."
"puppet, scapegoat…"
"I mean I was hoping you would have left with me, like I said back then you lost your cut. I mean I was starting to really like you then but you kind of betrayed me, I left alone that day and my revenge was sort of… letting you take the blame. But forget it, it was 7 years ago. We are now closer than ever and if the same thing happened, I would take the blame totally, you know that." She's right, the past is the past.
"your bad, your Bad Bart Simpson and I like it," Those words were ones she has said to me years ago, something that created a fire that burnt into self destruction.
"I'm bad to the bone honey," That had a lot of memories for us. That was the start of everything, start of the fun we had. After we split up for a short period I couldn't help but hate her, her witch like spell on me. All I could do was think about her but I knew she was no good for me. However it was fate that had us meet again…
"Hey Bart,"
"Jessica…. Your back from bordering school?"
"I got expelled," I was sitting in my tree house, not expecting this at all. I didn't want to see her again.
"wow, there mustn't be many bordering school's willing to accept you," She let out a warm chuckle, not the typical cold one's after our pranks but I had learnt she was a deceiver, she could hide the coldest of emotions with her cute smile, the way the lips curved to make an innocent look. I knew she was far from innocent.
"well it's nice that your back in Springfield but I think that maybe it's best that we didn't hang out together,"
"Bart… I didn't come here to ask for us too be friends again… I just came here to apologise, I mean I treated you with no respect. I just wish my apology was good enough, but I know it will never be." She started climbing down my tree house.
"Wait, Jessica… apology accepted," She gave me a warm smile as she left. Was it wrong of me to accept the devil's apology?
"well you did apologise for it before, I dunno why I decided to bring it up again,"
"cause you suck Bart,"
"not entirely true."
"yeah, yeah it is…" she says holding my hand.
"No it's not," I say a little annoyed but her soft kiss on the cheek fixed everything.
"You take things to seriously sometimes baby, you got to live and let live."
Sideshow Bob
"Please, ah don't know where they are,"
"right skirt dude," Snake says as he slaps the Scottish man tied to a chair.
"I don't know anything,"
"you know, maybe that fatty lied to us," Snake says as he rips off Willie's skirt.
"awh dude!! Don't you Scot's wear underwear?" He questions as I throw up a little bit in my mouth. That was the single most disgusting thing I have seen and the smell, oh it smelt like a decaying pig mixed with cow shit and a hint of school boy vomit.
"or shave your nuts?" The white knight says.
"wow your penis is quite a nice size, must be around 9 inchs" I can't help but hit Martin in the head for saying that. I sometimes wonder about how boy genius, he isn't obviously as smart as Frink and sometimes fails to even surpass Lisa but he seems to be the right member for our group but if he is gay…. Well personally I don't have anything against gays, my father was one after all… those nights he came home drunk, I was innocent studying and he came into my room, locked the door and pulled down his pants… horrible childhood memories.
"I mean…. uhhh… haven't you Scott's heard of getting rid of the foreskin?"
"Dude… not cool, you know the foreskin has 90 of the nerves in your penis, that's why when I root a girl I'm glad I have a snake skin on my little snake."
"Snake, your really weird you know that,"
"What at least I don't have a turtle without a shell little Prince,"
"Guys, Guys… please… find the Scott a new skirt and let's get out of here. I have a feeling I know what to do now," Yes I know exactly what to do now, Homer maybe have lied to us once but now I know how to drain the information out of the family. The Lovejoys should enjoy a little visit too.
Maggie
"Where are you going?" I ask Lisa as she gets her back pack ready.
"Well, Milhouse offered to take me to the museum, he has become a lot nicer now that he is clean and off steroids."
"oh cool, well I'll see you late." She was always such a nice sister, I loved her with all of my soul and heart. This family I belonged to was nice once you get pass certain flaws but everyone has flaws.
"Ok Maggie," She gives me a hug and gives me a kiss on the cheek.
"Lisa, I have a bad feeling for some reason."
"About what?"
"I… I don't know, it's just a bad feeling, be safe okay sis?"
"I always am." I love her so much and if something happened to her… if Milhouse tried something I would rip his head off and puke down it.
"Well I'm off, bye Magz." She says sprinting out of the room. I am left all alone now, T.V is just so boring sometimes. I decide to go into the kitchen to see what mum's up to.
"Oh hey Sweetie, I'm just preparing for diner. Isn't it nice to have the boys out of the house?"
"Sort of, but I'm starting to miss daddy and Bart."
"I know honey but soon everything will be back to normal." In this family there is no normal, it's something that makes life interesting, every day something knew.
"Quite the contrary my dear." The kitchen window smashes as Sideshow Bob, Snake and Martin enter the kitchen.
"Dude, that is so not cool, we should have just taken the front door again."
"You imbecile the front door is locked,"
"But dude,"
"Oh shut up snake and shove your snakeskin up your ass," Martin say firmly.
"May I suggest some pie?" My mother offers.
"No dude, we are here to… dude is that cherry?"
"Yeah, my secret recipe." Snake takes the pie and starts eating it.
"Dude you got to tell me your secret,"
"I'll never tell." Marge says with a smile.
"Seriously you guys, try this pie… it's awesome." Sideshow Bob and Martin prince take a piece each.
"Well it is rather lovely," Sideshow Bob says.
"It's so yummy, like having a thousand dicks in my mouth…. Ohh uhh I meant like… a thousand pairs of woman's breast."
"Are you gay?" I ask. I mean he just said something so strange he had to be gay but I'm not one to oppress gays, they deserve their rights.
"How dare you." He puts out a gun and shoots me, to my relief it shot out a net.
"Hey, let me go."
"Now who is the gay one?" He asked me kneeling down to the net.
"Just cause you got me doesn't mean your not gay," His face turned red and I didn't know if it was embarrassment or anger. I really didn't have a problem if he was gay, I was just curious and they always told me curiosity killed the cat, that's why Lisa's snowball is dead.
"Maggie… you watch your mouth darling. Gays are people too. Very, Very strange people."
"Mum I don't have anything against gays, in fact I hope one day they won't face prejudice and hatred. They should be allowed to get married."
"Yes we should… I mean they should… God damn it!!" Martin shoots another net at my mother.
"Snake take them into the aircraft."
"Wait dude, let a man eat a pie." He says as Sideshow Bob rolls his eyes. He sprays some kind of weird perfume on me and I suddenly fall into darkness. I completely black out and awake in a different place than home. It was a very scary place and I didn't want to be there anymore.
"Where am I?" I ask, the white knight is facing me.
"No where my dear," He says with a smile. I turn my head to see my mother asleep and next to her is Helen.
"What do you want?" I try to move from the chair but I'm tied to it and the chairs are attached to concrete.
"Don't think you'll get away with this." I say annoyed that I'm trapped like a candy wrapper caught in an updraft, that's what my daddy would say.
"We aren't planning too." Sideshow Bob says as he walks into the room.
"What?"
"We want to get caught, I want Bart and Homer to come running here. We have even filed a police record and have given the details of our hideout. It's the Burn's house, do you like the setting?"
"I swear if I wasn't tied down to a chair…" He cuts me off.
"Well you are and you can't do a damn thing about it. I have to admit I don't hate you Maggie, only your sister and brother. Speaking of Lisa, where is she?"
"I don't know," Sideshow Bob pats my head, it was eerily soothing.
Bart
"Alex, what do you use in your hair to keep that shiny and straightness?"
"Well I use…" I can't stand this. I want to be in a world were we are listening to puppies rap about niggers and I feel that I'm in a world filled dogs and Gs.
"Hey, you know what keeps my hair blonde and shiny, I bath in oil. Fuck Iraq if it's going to take my oil."
"Bart what are you talking about?"
"Sorry, I found 5 pills of yours and now I want too put my lips inside a furnace."
"Oh Bart, your so cute when your stoned," Jessica says as she grabs me and gives me a soft kiss.
"Can I kiss you? I want you too taste your bitterness…" I say as I shove my tongue down her throat
"awh damn it Bart, I hate that taste."
"I hate those little things in the fairy world. Pixies or whatever."
"Bart, come here sweetie," Jessica calms me down a little, dragging me onto the bed.
"dude, I should want to fuck you right here but I have to spent my life defending the diamonds of Pantera!!"
"haha," Jessica said stroking my hair and passionately giving me a kiss.
"You know…. I heard having sex is the best thing we can do when we your high," I give her a cheeky grin.
"Bart we can't sweetie."
"I want to jump off a roof, it's be so fun."
"Definitely not of Alex's roof," Jessica knows its about 12 ft high.
"Please KILL ME, I ain't the only one!!"
"Bart, what the hell are you talking about?"
"I don't know. You know why is that society makes us guys pee in urinals when sitting down is much more comfortable."
"That's cause you have a small penis."
"What? No I don't, you haven't seen it Jess,"
"Well then how can you sit down and pee?"
"Move back a little you idiot. How do you know how long a typical guy's penis is anyways? Have you cheated on me. I'll slice your throat out Jessica, I swear to Abraham if I was Jewish."
"Bart, I would never cheat on you and if I do… well your just not what I was looking for."
"WHAT??"
"I'm kidding, I don't care if you can't fuck me properly." Her voice was teasing, she was taunting me to show her what I can do. I must be high to want to go beyond the limits of physical attractions and I want to be in a world of lust and Jessica knows it.
"I can, I'll show." I get on top of her, I heard the most fun thing you can do when your high is sex.
"Get off of me Bart, my dad's in the house."
"Yes… Yes I am." I feel my cheeks going red.
"I didn't mean too…" I say awkwardly trying not to act high.
"Sorry daddy, we are high." God damn it Jess, your usually smarter than that.
"I want to touch you!!," I say crawling of her body.
"Let's dance,"
"you can't dance Bart,"
"Neither can you, what's the problem."
"We are stars that fall, stars are what's left of me. Can you go get some tunes?"
"You know that crap Alex has…."
"Hey!!" Alex had never left the room. The Reverend and Alex watch us a little frightened but at the same time curious, I knew they were curious but what the fuck are they curious about?
"you know one of my biggest problem…. It's with Author, I mean I love things like fan fiction but people are making it a mocking. I mean joke after joke, cell Phones, and no real character build ups. All they are interested is in how many reviews that get!! Fuck Reviews, although it is appreciated and I personally love them and it would be great if you review this chapter. This fic is a good example of no character build up and continuous teen issues, I mean it's chapter 50 and we are still doing fucking drugs. Who the fuck does the author think he is? He has soiled the work of Matt Groening and turned into a pile of shit like Family Guy."
"come here, relax Bart."
"I never felt such a high." Jessica wraps me in a lovingly hug.
"Jessica can I lick you eyes, they are stars…. You are a star to fall, a star of grace."
Homer
"maybe Sideshow Bob doesn't know where they are,"
"of cause they don't Homer,"
"but then why are we sitting here doing nothing,"
"Homer, the point of protecting our children and making sure they don't get hurt,"
"Well that sucks Timmy, we got to go kill that Sideshow Bob,"
"why? I mean as long as Bart and Jessica are safe…"
"how long are we going to postpone our normal lives?"
"well that's a good point," Professor Frink comes running into the room.
"There is a report of two attacks cause by a new group called Saint Riders,"
"Saint Riders?"
"Yeah it's lead by Sideshow Bob and worst of all will we have been sitting here, Marge, Maggie and Helen have been kidnapped,"
"They… What?"
"And they have sealed off Burn's old Mansion, they say they have a lot of weapons and stuff… it good be… Oh Galvin dangerous,"
"I was really waiting till you said Galvyn,"
"Yeah me too," The Reverend with a smile.
"well very well, but the point is we got to get down there." We assemble the rest of the team and say it's time to go kill some Saints…uhh Saint Riders.
"Dad, I got to go too,"
"Bart, you know he will kill you,"
"He'll kill you too find me,"
"Good point, here's a gun,"
"Dad…that's a donut,"
"well you got a big mouth, your sitting right there mister,"
"Bite me,"
"Listen Bart, Jessica. You too are too young, the youth is nothing but a bunch of stupid people not good for anything." I say with a smirk.
Me and my group of adult friends getting into a car and start driving towards Mr Burn's house. I can't believe everyone is so afraid of this place.
"Ok… ready to kill?"
"Yeah Galvin." Professor Frink says as we all jump out of the car. I wonder if Professor Frink has tourettes syndrome sometimes because of his outbursts mainly the word galvyn, galvin or however the fuck you say it. Perhaps he is in fact a cookie monster, wait what am I thinking for? I got some people to kill or something, damn I need to be thinking.
"Homer, so good to see you again. Where is your son?" Sideshow Bob asks as soon as we enter the house.
"Hiding, I'm here to kill you."
"I'm afraid you have your facts twisted for when the smoke is cleared it shall be you that is dead."
"I don't smoke man, never tried that shit… well maybe a little weed."
"That's great homer, anyways perhaps you would like too see your darling Marge?"
"Marge is here? Did she bake me a cherry pie?"
"Yeah dude but I ate it."
"You monster!!" I point my gun at Snake and take a shot, he however dodged it.
"Calm down Homer and take a look in that room right there," Martin opens the door and reveals Marge surrounded by snakes and I don't mean the ones that eat your pies. Two serpents were in the room, each 8ft tall with spit clinging onto their 3 inch poisonous fangs.
A/N: Ok, time for third person view again.
Homer ran into the room and shot of his gun, the beasts seemed to be unharmed. Martin closed the door with a laugh and put a chair under the doorknob. The oldest trick in the book really, teens use it all the time to make sure there parents can't see them smoking dope or injecting heroin.
"That takes of the fat problem, all we got left is the two Christians and a nerd." The white knight said pulling out his sword and swinging at Reverend Lovejoy. He also had a sword but his block of the blade sent sparks flying.
"Die Lovejoy, Die!!"
"No you die… 17th century person," Reverend Lovejoy says as he attempts to slash the White Knight, they end up on the top floor fighting a deadly battle.
"Where's Lisa? I want to give her my present."
"I don't know Martin, take Frink already and let me deal with Flanders."
"What am I suppose to do?"
"Fine, you deal with Flanders, Snake, I'm going back to bed… when I awake this better all be over." Sideshow Bob says as he walks up the stairs, walking past the vigorous battle between Lovejoy and the knight. It was truly an epic battle, too combatants who were equally matched.
"Well you heard him bible dude, time to fight."
"But we shouldn't fight, it's not what God would want."
"How do you know? Are you God?" Snake asked.
"No but I have read this entire book, it's jam back full of answers. Yes it is didlow." Flanders says taking Snake into the living room.
"So, I guess it's me and you Prince."
"I always thought this day might come, I have truly admired your work on advance physics, you have really furthered our understanding of quantum gravity and your work on the big bang theory has been great but I'm afraid I have to kill you."
"Well, I don't admired any of your work. The steady state theory is a pile of bullshit honestly and your work has proved that." Professor Frink has as he pulls out a laser and shoots the young mad scientist.
"Anti Laser clothing idiot," Martin says pulling out his own laser and shooting Frink.
"Touché, I have anti laser clothing too." Professor Frink says tossing his gun onto the ground.
"Well now what?" Martin asks tossing his gun also.
"Use your damn brain." Frink says punching Martin the belly and then kicking him hard in the knee.
"That is a cheap shot, your cheating!!" He screams as the professor pulls his hair and pushes him onto the floor.
"Reverend, I got to admit I admire your fighting abilities, I never thought a minister at the local church would be able to stand his ground."
"I used to take fencing as a teen and when my family members are in danger I go into overdrive."
"Well, I fought in many battles, ones with enemies beyond your imagination." The knight says swing his sword but Reverend Lovejoy was able to dodge the attack and swung his sword back at the knight who blocked it with his sword.
"They can't be very strong enemies, we are but equal knight." The Reverend says attempting to hit him again and he does except it just slashes his armour a little. The Reverend knows his enemy has an advantage primarily because of his armour.
"Blood, not bad minister." Says the knight putting a finger to the wound and licking his blood.
"Call me Timothy. I want you to know the name of the man that killed you."
"Well no point in telling me your name then Timmy," He says as he swings his sword the Reverend was just able to get his sword up in time to block it.
"I find this a bit unfair. You see that knight stature over there? Use it's armour and perhaps even the Excalibur that Mr Burns had."
"Why are you doing this?"
"Partly because I'm a gentleman and when I kill a person I want them fighting their best but the main reason is I like a good challenge, I haven't fought someone so equal to me in nearly 400 years." Reverend Lovejoy didn't know whether to trust this guy but he decided to.
"And then Jesus put the spirits into pigs that were nearby."
"Woah dude, that is some really spacey shit right there. God does all these things for me and I don't even know it."
"Exactly my friend."
"It really wants to make me change my life… one last crime though…" He grabs the bible from Ned and runs with a laugh.
"Hey, I only got 12 left… come back here." Ned chases him but unfortunately runs into the boot of Snake.
"Goodnight dude." Flanders was unconscious and dragged into the room that had Maggie and Helen were trapped in as prisoners.
"Let's us go!!"
"Don't worry little Maggie, as soon as your sister gets here your going to be ENJOYING freedom but it's going to be up to your sister."
"WHAT?" Maggie screamed but she couldn't move an inch.
"Marge honey, don't worry… I know this laser might be useless against the tongue of these furious beasts but Homer Simpson has a fat ass that can't be kicked by 8ft snakes."
"Homie, untie me…" Homer unties her as the serpents slowly move across the room, not intending to hurt them.
"Aww… these snakes are cute…" Homer says before one attempts to bite his hand off.
"No Snake, that's a bad snake."
"Homer… shoot the window down and let's get out of this room."
"Wait honey, the snake and I are playing a game."
"Oh for God's sake." Marge says as she kicks down the window.
"Come on Homie." They both escape from the room relatively unharmed, there was some snake spit on Homer but that was about it.
"That was easier than expected." Homer says with a smile. He had saved her.
"Let's go home now," Homer adds.
"Homer, your friends and daughter are trapped in that house."
"Oh right, well I guess I'm going to be at Moe's then." Marge grabs Homer before he can run and drags him back into the house.
"Owh… it really, really hurts." Says Martin as Professor Frink gives him another punch.
"I still got it. Oh Galvin!!" Professor Frink screams as he knocks out the young boy genius. Sadly for Frink he didn't see the clinched fists of Snake coming and he too is knocked out and dragged to the room of prisoners. Martin is unmoved and Homer and Marge walk pass him.
"Come on Timothy, you got to be better than that." The white knight says blocking the Rev's sword. Both the men were warn out.
"Ok, enough playing around. Time to release my true power!!" The white knight says slamming his sword into the ground and suddenly starts to glow blue.
"What the hell?" Reverend Lovejoy says at the sight of the knight glowing. He takes his chance but his blade breaks in half.
"Oh shit, sorry Burns…" He says as he runs and grabs one of his prized possessions. Excalibur, the same one King Arthur had pulled out of a stone. He returns to see the knight's armour start to shatter, parts of it fly off and his helmet is destroyed completely. Reverend Lovejoy can see his hair, it is long and blonde in a dread lock fashion. His eyes are a pale forest green and his teeth yellow. I guess he wasn't a guy who heard of Colgate.
"Ready to die?" He picks up his sword and swings it at Lovejoy, luckily Lovejoy ducked but the wall that he hit was completely destroyed. Reverend Lovejoy looked at the ashes of the wall and couldn't help but think that maybe fighting the knight was going to be harder than expected.
"Uhh… let's not fight, Christ is lord." Reverend Lovejoy says the knight drops his sword and uses his fists.
Homer and Marge ran into the room that Maggie, Helen and now Flanders and Frink were captured.
"Flanders, Frink… you lost?" Homer said appalled.
"Daddy, mummy… I'm so scared."
"It's okay Maggie, when your old enough you will realise that sex is actually a magically thing."
"Homer!!"
"What is sex mum?"
"Uhhh… I'll explain it to you later."
"I'm afraid not Marge." Sideshow Bob and Snake walks into the room.
"Martin couldn't even take care of Frink, I had to like totally intervene."
"Snake, stop being a smug son of a bitch and shut up for two seconds."
"Sorry sir."
"God damn right. Anyways what do you plan to do? As soon as Lisa gets here she and Maggie are done for but I'm waiting to see your son the most. He has caused me so much pain." Suddenly the white knight brings in Reverend Lovejoy, his body is badly beaten and bruised and he looks like he is dying.
"Timothy!!" Helen screams as her husband is tied to a chair next to her.
"No problems I assume?"
"Well as soon I as I unleashed my true power he was done for. Poor lad didn't stand a chance."
"Good, now what are we going to do about these two here."
"Marge, can you please give me your recipe for that cherry pie?"
"Snake, shut the fuck up!!" Sideshow Bob screams.
"Ok, I have had enough of you Bob," Marge attempts to punch Sideshow Bob but instead runs into a high kick to the head from Sideshow Bob. Sideshow Bob had long legs that he had learnt to use quite well in the past few years.
"Umm… I'll be at Moe's!!" Homer says as he runs out of the room.
"Let him go, we don't need to have any more prisoners. I know Bart and Lisa love you two my darling. Especially you," Sideshow Bob gets to his knees and pats Maggie on the head.
"Let's us go!!" Maggie screams, her mother is locked up and starts her life as a prisoner in this room.
Homer
What am I doing? I thought I already decided not to drink… not till this whole mess is over. I return home, it is empty without the cheerful Maggie, annoying saxophone practises of Lisa and Bart…. Uhh well what ever Bart does.
How could I do that? I just ran out of the room like a coward, my daughter saw me run like a sissy and I left my friends, family and whatever Helen Lovejoy is behind. They could be tortured or killed and I just ran to save myself.
"Dad, what's going on?" Lisa walks into the room and watches me cry.
"Your dad is a failure, just like Bart's dad… me!!" I continue crying as Lisa rolls her eyes and asks if I have been drinking again.
"No, it's not that… Maggie and Marge, they were kidnapped, I went to save them with some friends and we got beaten miserably. I ran out of the house, leaving them all defenceless and they could be dead."
"Calm down dad, I know Sideshow Bob… he wouldn't just kill them. He is carefully plotting out something and trying to lure me and Bart into it."
"Where have you been anyways? How come you didn't get kidnapped?"
"I was on a date."
"With who?"
"Milhouse…"
"What… why?"
"We have been going out for a few months now dad. Look that's beyond the point we got to go and rescue them dad."
"I can't let you risk your life for that… I must go alone." I had to face my fears, even if I die it will be for a good cause.
"Dad, you have to admit you need my help. You can't even tie your shoe laces without my help."
"Well, ok Big Maggie. How can we do it though?"
"I'm not sure…"
Bart
"Dude, hold onto them for later… what the fuck have we been doing? Our friends and family have been in danger and all we have been doing is getting high."
"I know, what is wrong with us?" Jessica says putting the bottle in her purse.
"Sometimes I think I am still really stupid, I'm just my 10 yr old self and I can't escape that."
"Bart… it was my fault, I shouldn't have gotten some of Alex in the first place." For hiding we were in a very open space. We were sitting near the Springfield Lake, totally miserable and if we were attacking now we would be done for.
"I wish I could grow up, I wish I could act like a 16 year old… I'm going to be 17 soon and I'm lured to stupid decisions, Maggie and Mum are kidnapped and all I have been doing is swallowing fucking pills." Jessica ran her hand through my hair, her touch is something that can bring me instant relief.
"Jessica, why do you always settle for me?" I say suddenly, surprising her a bit almost as if she already expected me to know.
"Cause you're the 10 yr old I love and I am the 10 yr old your trapped with." She says with a small giggle but I wasn't in the giggling mood.
"Don't you realise the severity of the situation?"
"I do, I know we got to do something. Look I still have a few ghost hunting weapons… maybe they can take out the knight but I don't know about the rest…."
"it's utterly hopeless." I say, I have to admit when I'm beat and I am now. There wasn't nothing I could do.
"Bart, it's not. We got to try, you were just saying you wish you could grow up. It's time to be a man, it's time to face your greatest fears and it's time to sacrifice everything and it doesn't matter what happens in the end, what matters is that you try." She was right, I got up and an idea came to me. Professor Frink's lab… it has a whole lot of technology and he had given me a spare key before he had left to attack uhh.. Saint Riders, that is such a lame name. I think I was right about fan fiction writers ruining the work of legends such as Matt Groening, Matt Stone and Trey Parker.
"We should check your house first… maybe it's all over, maybe Marge is preparing a diner and Maggie and Lisa are playing a game and your dad is having a beer waiting for you."
"Maybe," We go to my house and find Lisa and Homer sitting on the stairs, looking hopelessly at the ground.
"What's going on?" Jessica asks as she walks into the house.
"We are trying to think of how to save Frink, the Lovejoys, Flanders and my special little ladies." Homer says and Lisa gives him a hard glare.
"Well… uhh except for Lisa of cause…. She is my special little lady too." Homer adds in his defence.
"What? You failed?" I asked.
"My dad and mum are captured too?"
"Calm down you two, were screwed… get used to it Bart. When you got me as a father you got to get used to it." He says sadly as Lisa pats his bald head.
"No, I refuse to give up!! I have been a coward, swallowing pills while my friends and family have been in danger but now it's time to be a man." I say fiercely making Homer and Lisa wince a little.
"You been swallowing pills… they better have not been abortion pills…"
"Uhh dad… why the fuck would I take abortion pills?"
"I don't know, you tell me." I rolled my eyes. We needed a plan, if we all went together then it would be easier even if the odds are stacked against us. Jessica's father, my father, Professor Frink someone who is a lot more intelligent than Lisa and Flanders, Homer's friend and sometimes mortal enemy failed miserable and they were much more well prepared than us.
"Bart, you said you a key to Frink's… Lisa… could you invent something maybe?" Jessica asks.
"I'm not that smart…"
"Martin Prince does it and your way smarter than him." Jessica replies. Lisa can't help but smile a little but she looked as depressed as a prostitution in the jack the ripper era.
"Oh what the hell? Plus I know he has some weapons in his house." We all make our way to Professor Frink's house. It was filled with a lot of weapons.
"What the hell is this?" Jessica says holding a massive bazooka-like gun.
"Don't touch that, I'm not sure whether that's an antimatter quantum creator or a gun that possibly opens a portal to a different universe."
"Uhh… ok I won't touch it." Jessica said confused. She didn't want to accidentally make an uhh… whatever Lisa said.
"Well, what can we use?" Dad asked confused as well. I was however searching through the rest of his stuff and I came across something that I had told him to build last year.
"I can't believe he built it." It was a hover skateboard… well I guess a hover board and I instantly jump on it and fly. It moves at incredible speed, much faster than a car and it locks you in so it's safe as long as you got a bit of control. Of cause I have control, I have been skateboarding all my life and only one person I know is better than me and it's not Tony Hawks. Jessica was the only skater worthy of an opponent to me.
"Let me have a go Bart,"
"Screw you Jessica." I say not letting her touch my precious hover board. She can beat me at skateboarding all she likes, she isn't going to bet me in hover boarding.
"You two grow up already." Lisa says searching the rest of Frink's inventions.
"This, this can be very useful." Lisa says with a smile. It was a small air craft, very small no larger than the size of a single bed well the height was more than that.
"What is it?" I ask in curiosity.
"Well, it's a fighter plane, it seems to have photon riffles, machine guns and some laser guns but it's missing some circuits and other things…"
"You reckon you could get it going? I want to take it for a spin." Homer said excited. Lisa got some of Frink's tools and started working on it.
"Well what about this? Is it safe… I'm not accidentally going to make a black hole or something right?" Jessica asked holding a massive gun, one if the troops in Afghanistan had then this whole mess would be over and there would be no more Taliban… and Afghanistan… and Middle East.
"That's just a really power laser gun, I don't think it's working, giving it a test." She aims it at me.
"Wait… don't test it on me."
"Lisa thinks it doesn't work. So you might survive." She pulls the trigger and I feel a sense of relief when nothing happens.
"What the fuck Jessica?" I say angrily.
"You didn't give me the hover board and relax would you? I already tested it out…" She said with a laugh, one of these days I swear I'm going to put a real bullet through her head.
"Give it too me Jessica, I'll work on it." We leave Lisa to her work and relax in Frink's living room. Instead of photos of family it was filled with books of his work, journals and a lot of complicated things. He didn't even have a T.V, I swear I saw him have one last time I was here.
"Bart, you know that this is a sign of you maturing, I mean your actually going to possibly die, anyone one of us can die but we are putting that scary thought aside to save our friends and family."
"Would you shut up Jessica?" Homer barked at her.
"Dude don't say that to my girl."
"What you going to do about it boy?"
"I'm going to kick your ass!!"
"Calm down you two, we have to focus." Jessica says and we both sit down and wait for Lisa to finish. It's a while but Lisa comes out of the room with a cheerful grin.
"Ok dad, the plane is ready and here you go Jessica… don't shoot Bart with it though, he'll be screwed." Lisa says with a smile, almost as if she wanted Jessica to do it.
"Ok, see ya…" Homer said getting into the plane and flying it through the 2 walls before flying towards the Burn's mansion.
"I don't envy the guy that has to clean that up," I say as I get onto the board and start flying out of the room, instead of getting one of those lame laser guns I get an old fashion one. It shot bullets but it seems to be Frink's own model. It combined a rifle, sniper, machine and shot gun with modes you can change. Lisa grabbed nothing more than a small laser gun. I start flying off but I decide to be slightly smarter than dad, I know he plans to charge in there but I plan to sniper my foes from a hidden location.
I find a building that is perfect, Lisa and Jessica took the car to Burn's house and took slightly longer than me and dad.
A/N: Switching views again.
Bart: Dude you suck, can't you write in one view?
Jessica: Yeah man, you totally suck.
A/N: Shut up, you want me to kill you off? I'll do it.
Jessica: No you wouldn't, you love us too much you manic bitch.
A/N: Shut up Jessica?
Jessica: What's the matter? Going through homomania?
A/N: Fuck both of you, I kill both of you one day!! gets up and leaves extremely annoyed
Bart: That's not cool, he has a mental illness.
Jessica: Shut up you, if we don't mock people with mental illnesses then who is going to carry out the next school shooting? Anyways back to the story.
Homer flew into the living room of the house, smashing the front door of the house. Maybe he should have been less reckless but it was a matter of life or death, plus Burns was dead so what was he going to do about it? Homer flew into the room where his friends were captured. Too his amazement the room was completely empty.
"Thanks for playing, I'm afraid your turn is over." Homer hears the voice of sideshow Bob as the room suddenly locks down completely, pure steel walls surround him. For some odd reason his plane dies completely and it breaks but Homer is sucked up a hose. It is something that is beyond strange for Homer, where did that get the money to do that?
"Lisa, I have been expecting you." Martin says more than eager to see Lisa.
"What do you want?" Lisa said harshly.
"A game of wits."
"I already beat you at that before, don't be a sore loser and get out of my way." Lisa didn't have time for this, she went looking for her parents and the rest of the prisoners. But Martin stopped her again and had a sinister look on his face. He used to be such a nice boy at one stage but the cruel society we live in caused him to go into a life of evil and sin.
"This time the game will have much more server consequences." Martin says with a smile.
"I don't have time for this."
"If you win, you have the chance to save Maggie. If you don't play, I'll personally kill her."
"Ok, I'm in." Lisa said, she wanted to save her little sister. If something happened to Maggie because of her, she couldn't ever forgive herself.
Bart saw only one of his enemies, it was the white knight. Bart took aim for his head, he didn't have his helmet on. Bart always had good aim, it came from his years of practise with his slingshot. He pulled the trigger and the bullet sped into the room, going straight through the knight's head. The knight instantly died from the bullet.
"Bravo Bart!" A cold sinister voice was heard by Bart and he turned around to see Sideshow Bob. Sideshow Bob kicked the gun out of his hand and it fell down onto the ground, Bart was defenceless on the top of a building.
"Sideshow Bob…"
"Yes Bart and I have dreamed of this moment for so long, tell me… does my hair look ok? I want everything to be perfect for the day I get my revenge." Sideshow Bob said with a smile, his dark desires were soon to be carried out on Bart.
"Yes, that's the rules." It was a small quiz, it consisted of three questions. Maggie was trapped in a room above a lot of corrosive acid that Martin had produced himself. If Lisa answered one question wrong Maggie would be injected with a sleeping injection that will slowly kill her. If she answered two questions wrong then Maggie's room would open up and she would be dumped into the acid, killing her instantly and if she answered three questions wrong then Lisa would be sucked up a hose and killed also within the acidic solution that was taunting her.
"I'm not playing something so risky… I can't gamble with my sister's life." Lisa said looking at Maggie who was in tears inside the room. She couldn't escape, she didn't want to die but she had trust in Lisa.
"You have no choice, if you don't play then Maggie will fall to a painful death." Martin said with an evil laugh.
"What happens if I get a question right?"
"Maggie is freed…"
"Fine, if I have no choice I'll play." Lisa thought if she answered one question right then she will be freed, her sister will be saved and all she hoped with that it would be a simple mass determination or gravimetric analyse question.
Lisa: Hey stupid author, mass determination is a type of gravimetric analyse.
A/N: Shut up you, back to the story.
"Your first question is…" Martin starts.
"Damn it, where am I?"
"Homie!!" Marge says as Homer awakes, to his surprise he wasn't tied to a chair.
"Ok dude, smashing time… I'm going to take out 3 of you today."
"No way man, I'm not a bible fucker or a nerd." Homer says with a smile.
"HEY!!" Professor Frink and Flanders say.
"I'm just an average Joe with an extra fat fist." Homer says swinging his hammers of justice at him and if your plain stupid or don't like lame metaphors, I meant Homer swings his fists at him.
Homer: I'm getting really sick of your poetry mocking, some of your work is poetry and if you mock it, your mocking yourself ass face. Back to the story before the author can say anything.
"Ow Dude, you totally got me. My turn." He returns the favour by punching him in the jaw, a tooth of Homer's flies out. They have a full out fist fight and Jessica suddenly finds the room. She decides to run into the room and kicks Snake in the balls, yeah man, square in the balls.
Homer: I'm also getting tired of you stealing quotes from South Park. Your not Cartman ok, maybe your fat but you just a stupid Indian.
A/N: Hey, don't mock my race!! I mean I hate Indians and all but only I make fun of them in this fic. I am also the only one that mock my mother's Hindu heritage and my father's Muslim heritage, I allowed you to express my thoughts and now your mocking me?
Homer: Precisely you fat rice with curry. Back to the story.
"Ow, this like totally hurts!!" Snake says as he falls to the ground.
"Jessica… you actually helped me… sometimes I question whether our youth is truly being brought up in a society mixed with moralists and no morals but at times I think it's us parents…" Homer is cut off by Marge.
"Shut up and untie me!"
"Oh right," Homer said untying her and Professor Frink, Jessica had freed the rest of the people while Homer was babbling about nothing. Everyone escapes but Homer puts his hand on Jessica's shoulder, stopping her from doing so.
"Thanks Jessica,"
"No problem, although I think you owe me and Bart an apology… you said that us children wouldn't be useful."
"Apology… if I start apologising then I will have huge guilty trip and I have done too many things that are wrong."
"Well you can start with this little thing, Homer." She says with a smile as he looks at the ground with defeat.
"I'm sor.."
"Homer, what are you Glavin… I mean doing?" Professor Frink asks straightening his glasses. Everyone starts to run out of the house but Homer suddenly stop.
"Wait, what are we doing?"
"Escaping?" Reverend Lovejoy says.
"We came here to stop them not to run from them."
Sideshow Bob had a gun and Bart was forced to obey what he said.
"Get down, I'm going to have some fun with you now." He says with a smirk. His dark revenge was about to take place, when Bart's body is left without life he would be truly satisfied but he will need to wait for that, it was going to be a very slow process.
"What era marked the out break of Alternative rock into mainstream popularity?"
"What? That's the first question?"
"Answer the question." Lisa had no idea about something like that, Martin had out smarted her… if it was a simple nuclear physics or biochemistry question she could have answered it but not that.
"Was it… punk era in the 70s ?"
"Err Wrong!! I'm afraid it was grunge in the early 90s" Lisa wants to slap herself for that, Jessica and Bart always talk about that all the time and she can't believe she has answered so foolishly. Maggie in her room was running from an injection but another one came out and surprised her. She suddenly fell asleep.
"MAGGIE!!" Lisa screamed looking at her sister.
"Second question."
Bart was locked into a dark room, he couldn't see anything. He wasn't tied to a dark chair but he was afraid to move an inch since Sideshow Bob had a gun.
"Bart, you left your hover board behind." Professor Frink said flying into the room and knocking Sideshow Bob on the head. Bart grabbed the gun from Sideshow Bob and pointed it at him.
"Bart, are you going to kill me?" Bart was fighting a mental battle, this was his mortal enemy and if he killed him then nothing like this will ever happen again but Bart couldn't kill another man, especially when he was left defenceless like this.
"Get in the corner, the cops will be coming." Bart says.
"Bart, what are you doing… be a man and shoot him," Jessica said.
"No Jessica, I have learnt something. I can be a man and shoot him or I can be a gentleman and not. Gentleman means being gentle to everyone especially those that are defenceless. I will kill Sideshow Bob one day but today isn't that day."
"Your such a pussy," She said with a smile.
"Shut up before I'll kill you," Bart says with a laugh as he points the gun to her.
"You get this question wrong and your sister dies and the longer you take the closer she is to death from that injection, isn't this fun?" Lisa was traumatised, she can't believe this was happening if Maggie died… it was her fault. She never believed Martin would be so cold hearted to do something like this.
"Second question is… Heavy metal is typical admired but isn't commercial, how ever two types of metal have gained some amount of commercial success within the 80s and 90s. One of those is glam metal the other is?" It was useless, Lisa didn't know anything about heavy metal, she despised the loud noise and disrespect for the law and authority figures, it was just like punk but more… loud and the screaming was all too much for Lisa.
"Thrash metal!" Bart said as he walked into the room followed by Homer. Suddenly there is a large noise and Maggie is transported next to Lisa.
"What's happened here?" Bart asked. Martin was angry, Bart had ruined his moment and he decided to try and take him out with a punch.
"Ow, I mean it wasn't that hard of a punch but you got me off guard." Bart said and he replied with a punch that knocked out Martin. Martin might have been smart but was extremely weak, instead of reading a book maybe he should push some weights.
"We got to get an ambulance… Maggie might die."
"What?" Homer and Bart said confused. Soon the cops arrested Sideshow Bob, Martin Prince and Snake. No other villains were found at the house. The white knight finally rested in peace and Maggie luckily got to hospital in time.
Bart
"It's good your better, here you go." I hand her the flowers and patted her head. Maggie had been awake for the last two days and she was free to go home today. Maggie looked at the flowers, I knew it was her favourite and she gave me a warm smile.
"Thanks Bart, I heard you were the one that saved me in the end."
"I… I guess I was," I told Maggie with a smile. It was only her and me in the room, it was weird that there wasn't any else in the room because when someone was in hospital they always had a ton of visitors. I guess everyone just got sick of it, a lot of people went to hospital last year and everyone was sick of visiting the place.
"Thanks Bart, you a good brother you know. I sometimes take you for granted but I always was happy to have you as a brother. I mean sometimes your immature and fun but other times your mature and dead serious. I like the immature you." Maggie says with a smile. Her childish persona was what made her cute but she was just like Lisa, not me, she was a young genius and has the ability to do something great in this world, unlike me who would have to settle for a minimum wage.
"So do I," I say thinking that maybe its not all bad. I was thinking that it was a bad thing being immature but it isn't a bad thing at all. It's so boring being matured, all you do is drink tea and talk about stocks.
"So do I," A third voice said, I could instantly recognise her as Jessica.
"What are you doing here?"
"Visiting Maggie stupid and I just got my license so I can drive her home, not you though Bart, you need the exercise." I got to admit I walked right into that one. Jessica gave me a sweet kiss on the lips before her face dropped. For a minute I though she was going to say something depressing but she was in fact going to be serious for a minute.
"Bart, I have been thinking… about what you said before this whole mess. You wanted to marry me and I think… sure."
"What? Why?"
"Cause your who I was destined to end up with, I mean we might have to stay engaged for a long, long time… depends when we get money for a wedding or if when we want one." I had kept the ring in my pocket and gave it to her.
"It's pretty Bart," Maggie said with a smile.
"Yeah, it sure is Maggie." Jessica said feeling extremely happy. She was giggling like a school girl once again and was a little red.
"I can't believe it… you two are engaged now, I knew it would come sooner or later." Maggie said with a smile, she was so darling and the perfect little mistake of Homer and Marge, other than me of cause. I got to admit if Maggie had died, it would have been tragic and some have trouble dealing with loss, I haven't lost anyone that I love as much as her and….
"Bart, what are you doing?"
"Huh?" I say, Maggie had already starting walking to the car, Jessica was standing outside the hospital door looking at me with curiosity almost as if trying to guess what's on my mind not that it was important, Maggie was alive and that's all that mattered.
"Your blankly standing there, me and Maggie are going to Krusty's, if you want a ride you better come to."
"Jessica," I say as she starts to walk.
"What?"
"I love you."
"Well duh!" She says with a smile.
Homer
"You want a beer Homie?"
"No darling, come sit…" I say patting the sofa. She comes and sits next to me and I put my arms around her and give her a kiss.
"This time I think I am not going to go back on alcohol. I quit and I helped save the day. I want to be the typical father. One of those that sip their tea and clean their glasses, sitting in a circle asking, "What are we to do about this Homer Simpson?""
"Homie, you are a good father. Just look at Maggie and Lisa, uhh… Bart you were still learning." Marge says with a smile. Bart, Jessica and Maggie all walked into the living room. That was true I guess, Maggie and Lisa were excellent children, I guess it was Marge that had raised them so well but I guess my name has to be somewhere on that…
"Your all better Maggie?"
"Yeah mum and guess what? Jessica and Bart are getting married."
"Doh!" I say out loud. Marge also groaned. They were too young to get married, I mean Bart can't even drive yet and he can't even understand the basic theory of evolution. I told him before that he was nothing but an offspring of three generations of man monkeys and a retard fish squirrel.
"You two are too young."
"We know that, we just decided that we should get engaged… and when the time is right… we'll get married but it might be a while from now." Jessica said with a smile. Maggie jumped into my legs and I gave her a kiss on the cheek. She was possibly my favourite child and only because she is still young, the older they get the more annoying they are. There is a time in child's life when they are little angels and after that they become little assholes. Bart was by far the worst, he had numerous drug addictions and has a small criminal record. Lisa is a lot better but she is too smart, controversial and talks too much. This year she is going to be 15 but her brain works much better than people twice her age, mainly cause in college everyone does too much experimenting. Maggie, was going to be 9 near the end of the year and is the nicest, she is so cute and cuddly I could play ring around a rosy, or whatever that game where we have pawns, bishops, queens and other crap and need to protect the king is called, all day with her.
"Well, Jessica you know I have sometimes questioned what Bart and you do… a lot of the time, in fact I think it's the reason my hair is blue but… I wish you all the best." Marge says, pulling in Jessica for a hug. She had watched her grow up in front of her eyes and in recent years, well particularly last year and this, she had become a part of the family.
"I'm going to enjoy calling you Mum, Marge… and I'm going to enjoy calling Homer… Homer," Marge let out a little chuckle. I felt tired, it had been about a week since I had to deal with Sideshow Bob and all those pussies but I can't help but think we defeated them too easily. There was so much more that could have happened… so many thoughts that leave the mortal man back to his alcohol but I'm glad nothing like that happened.
Bart
"Bart, what are you doing?" Jessica asked.
"Thinking I guess,"
"You… thinking, seriously… what are you doing?"
"Shut up you," Jessica dragged me outside, tonight was a magical night. There was a meteor shower tonight and a lot of the town was in my back yard admiring the beauty of the shooting stars, playing games in galaxies far away. Me and Jessica were lying in the ground, the cold air was brushing against us and the stars were beautiful, something about distant lights that was so peaceful .
"You know, this is one of the things we wouldn't have done before…" Jessica said.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, I don't think I could have ever convince you too sit here with me when you were younger." That was true and I don't think she would want to sit here in her youth either. I wish I would have paid more attention to the beauty of life, so many things that can help you achieved maximum satisfaction and productivity but I always was too destructive to pay any attention to it.
"God damn it, shut up… your ruining the night." I say giving her a kiss on the cheek.
"Bart, I never thought you were right for my daughter." Reverend Lovejoy says taking a seat next to us. Of cause the one thing that could ruin a magically evening was a soon to be father in law that hated you and thought you are a bad example for her daughter. She is fucking 16 now dude, get over the fact that I'm turning her into a bad girl, in fact over the years she had made me worst as a person.
"Oh… k…" I say a little uncomfortable.
"But over the last year and a half I have continue to increasingly like you."
"Really daddy?" Jessica ask, I don't know why she was happy about that, she doesn't give a shit about what her dad thinks. Parents are possibly the one thing that teens hate more than school but unlike school you can drown your parents out by locking the door and turning up your stereo or as we do nowadays, turn up the ipod.
"Yeah, I have decided that you are a gentlemen, one good example was you not killing Sideshow Bob."
"Yeah, you're a coward aren't you." Jessica said moving closer to me. She rested her head on my chest.
"No Jessica, he is a man. 25 of the time and thankfully, the other 75 is just you being a typical teenager, I used to think you were 100 Satanic and 95 Evil. Yeah my math is sometimes bad." No shit, I only just passed maths with the right amount of credits last year but I knew that he was a lot worse with his percentages than me.
"Daddy, too many percentages…" Jessica said, I put my arms around her and for the first time ever I wasn't afraid to be close with Jessica in front of her father. I guess I'm not afraid of him anymore, I have to admit in the past I have been afraid of him a lot and not only cause he is the church's minister and I'm dating his daughter.
"Bart, you want another burger?" My own dad asked me. He was closely listening to our conversation while frying patties and making burgers for the numerous guests in our home.
"Nah I'm fine man." I say stroking Jessica's hair. It is thin and has returned to it's normal and beautiful black. She told me she was going to dye it red but I don't want her too, why ruin something that is already perfect?
"Bart, look at this little kitty, I found it on the road, poor little thing looks starved." Maggie says patting it's head. It reminded me of snowball II, Lisa's dead cat. It was a cute little black kitten, I wish my old dog Santa's little helper was still alive sometimes.
"Your just like Lisa," I say pulling her down to the ground, giving her a tight hug and a kiss. She was still quite small and adorable and I'm glad she doesn't argue like Lisa. Maggie was my favourite sister, she was so innocent and oblivious to what is going around her at times.
"But you know what, I like you better." I say giving her a kiss on the forehead.
"It's good too see your good with children… speaking of children, uhh Jessica." The Reverend says looking a bit nervously, he had some news there was no doubt about that. I think I knew where he was going with this, I thought Helen had picked on a little weight, Jessica however didn't notice it and I wasn't going to tell her…
"Yea dad?"
"Your mother is pregnant. Your going to have a little brother or sister." Jessica's face dropped, I could tell she wasn't taking the news well. The Reverend walks towards his wife, leaving me, Maggie and Jessica alone.
"What's the matter Jess?"
"I… I don't want a little brother or sister." She said dully.
"Why not? Lisa and Maggie are fun… I mean they are getting older but they are still fun."
"Lisa is nearly an adult, Maggie is nearly 9... I don't want a little baby to change and look after." I was holding Maggie tightly as she was holding her new cat tightly.
"It will be fine Jessica, plus look at it this way… one day we want children of our own and this will give us some practise. I looked after Maggie for quite a while, I mean…." I was going to say I thought I could be a better parent than her but that was plan wrong, she would definitely be a better parent, mothers always are although you can't beat my father. If I get caught with alcohol, he just asks for some, if I do something wrong… he says we all make mistakes, if I have a psycho path looking to kill me, he protects me… sort of.
"Maggie, did I ever tell you about snowball?" I ask her, trying to change the subject.
"No but Lisa has, I think I'm going to name this kitty snowball III." Funny thing, there has already been a snowball III but Lisa named her latest cat snowball II because it would save her from buying a new cat bowl. That kitty was however long dead, Lisa hasn't bothered to get any pets since then.
"Oh, Maggie you got desert." Homer said taking the kitty from her.
"DAD!" Maggie protests.
"I'm only joking sweetie. God how you kids all grow so fast. I remember changing your diapers and watching your first steps Maggie, your first words were daddy and you were the only simpson to never call me Homer." Homer seems to be in a good mood, I guess once you get rid of alcohol you got to be in a good mood.
"Thanks, Homer." Maggie says with a laugh.
"Maggie you nut," He says patting her head. He suddenly grabs a beer from the nearby barbeque, I knew he couldn't give it up.
"Hey Flanders, you want a beer?" He asks and throws him the can. Well… maybe I am wrong.
"Your right homie, they do all grow up so fast. Look at Bart… my special little guy is engaged." I can't help but smile a little. No matter how old I got, I would always be mummy's special little guy.
"And look at Lisa, she is going to be 15 this year and Maggie is finishing primary school next year, two years early. I'm so proud of you all and of you Homie, you gave up one thing you love just to be a better father and husband." She gave Homer a kiss on the cheek.
"Hey… where is Lisa?" Maggie asked, I hadn't seen her all night. She deserves to be a part of this golden family moment.
"I'm not sure," I say.
"I'm saw her in her room earlier, it was dark and she was lying in her bed, I told her to come and watch the shooting stars and she just told me to go away." Homer says, she doesn't ever say things like that to her father. She doesn't exactly have the highest respect for her father but I know she loves him very much and I couldn't imagine her saying something like that. I get up from the dirt, brush some grass that was on my t-shirt and go to Lisa's room. She was sitting there silently writing something.
"Lisa, what's the matter?" I ask, she had a sad expression on her face. It was beyond sad, it was an expression I hope she never makes again.
"Bart, get out of my room." Lisa hasn't said that to me in quite a while. What had gotten into to her? My little sister hasn't talked so coldly to me in about 3 years, she and I had gotten closer of the past 3 years and it breaks my heart to hear her say that.
"Are you okay?"
"Bart, get out of my room." She says again but I'm not going to leave. Every time Lisa told me to get out, I would stay and annoy her more but this time I want too see what's bothering her. She put down her pen, apparently finishing what she had written.
"Bart, get out of my room." Her tone was cold, she was always nice but this time it was a command, a harsh command and I wasn't going to obey. Was is going on? She looks so sad, I want to help her…. But I need to know what's wrong with her.
"No!! Lisa… what's wrong. You can tell me, I am your older brother and you got to know I will always be here for you." I say as I grab what she had written, it was a note…a suicide note.
Dear family and friends, over the past few weeks my life has been spiralling downwards. I have slowly been eaten by a depression and even though the primary cause of that is Sideshow Bob's return, I have realised that there is nothing to live for. I am living in world of sinners, and a society that dwells on commercialism and how much money one can make. It is a hard world to live in, nothing seems natural as even our foods are processed in a inhuman way. The society we live in has shockingly not self destructed and it continues to sell the future of it's youth short, youth just like me. No one in school likes me and I am the forgotten Simpson. Have your precious Bart and Maggie, I was always only second to them anyways.
After I finish read the rushed suicide note, I look at Lisa in shock, she had pulled out a shot gun. Lisa is so… depressed… that she is going to kill herself? Why is she worrying about our society, a democratic will hopefully be voted in and it will mean that our lives we be better. Republicans totally suck ass, look at it logically… Bush Snr, war in Iraq, Clinton, most productive and best years I have had, Bush junior, an invasion of Iraq looking for Taliban, the wrong country by the way and now there is this mess in Afghanistan that only a democratic can clean up. Republicans are totally lame, I mean most of their laws are based on religion, I mean what kind of politicians oppress gays? I thought that the bill of rights was written to allow people freedom however it seems that gays aren't really people to Republicans. It's amazing how closed minded some people are, this is just like the African-American civil rights, they were limited before but luckily America made a change, allowing them equal rights. Hopefully gays will get the treatment one day as well, we can only hope….
"Lisa, where did you get that?"
"I said leave…" Her voice was hollow, that wasn't the Lisa I knew. She pulled the trigger but I tackled her before she did it, the bullet went into the ceiling. It made a loud noise. I was trying to wrestle it from Lisa, who was getting unexpected strong. How could I miss the signs of depression for Lisa? What if my tormenting her years prior caused her great emotional distress, enough to lead up to this? I am the blame?
Another bullet was shot, it got me in the stomach. God damn it, this was the second time a bullet had been shot at me from a sister. Why is always me that get's shot by my sisters? Why can't they shoot Homer or Marge or even better Patty and Selma.
"Bart… I'm sorry," She said instantly dropping the gun. Like I haven't heard that one before once someone shot me. It's funny when I think about it, my family members have been closer to killing me than Sideshow Bob.
"What's going on here?" Maggie asked walking into the room, I was lying in my blood that was spilling out of me in great pace and Lisa was in tears. Doesn't this remind you of something?
"I shot Bart…" Lisa says and Maggie has a confused look on her face but she runs downstairs, no doubt to call the ambulance. Damn it, I thought I wouldn't have to go to the hospital so often this year but maybe I was right. It was a powerful shot gun and I was surprised that I'm not dead but no doubt I would be soon. All in all, I have to admit this was a beautiful night, everything was just right till now but at least if I die then Lisa doesn't. I don't think I ever told her this…
"I love you Lisa,"
"What have I done?!" Lisa asks as her tears were diluting my blood, it's true what they say, blood is thicker than water. Why am I still alive? I should have been dead by now.
A/N: YEAH!! 50 chapters in less than a year. I was originally planning to kill Maggie off of this year, but there is a time when little children are cute and after that they become little bastards. I think there is still a lot of innocence left to be explored in Maggie so I decided not to kill her, instead the white knight died. I don't know what I was thinking when I made a character that was so lame, I mean I wanted a new villain but that is just… really, really gay. Please review it would mean so much to me if you did, I would love some criticism, I want to improve this fic for the people who actually read it. I would also love some positive feedback. I mean I am become a bitch pleading for reviews but come on… please!! I would love to have 15 new chapters up by the end of the year for you all and hopefully I can reach that mark by the end of the year but we will have to wait and see.
