AN: Happy Sunday, everyone! Here's this week's installment of TLR. Look for me to post an email in "Without You..." later in the week.
Chpt. 55
Bryce and I enjoyed the rest of Saturday night and Sunday. I truly thought seeing Ranger again would break me, but I realized that I'd gotten over most of the heartbreak and was left with mainly happy memories. Spending time with Bryce helped me to avoid obsessing and second-guessing myself, but once he left, I couldn't ignore my curiosity any longer. I had to read Ranger's emails that I had been saving and ignoring for months. I grabbed my laptop and went out to the balcony to read.
He was sorry. And he chose songs to express how he felt because words were never his forte. All of his songs were heartbreaking, but so powerful that I cried a little listening to them. I was actually a little impressed that he had been emailing me regularly even though I hadn't responded. I'm not sure I would have continued with such a futile exercise, but then I never did have Ranger's dedication.
I was surprised to see Aunt Marjie's and Uncle Charlie's response to Ranger's news. I really felt like they hadn't supported me when everything happened. Hell, they told me I needed to be there to support Ranger! Though after reading through some of the emails and meeting Rachel, I understood their perspective a little better.
I was happy to read that Ranger was still working with Hannah. We all needed help sometimes and I had no doubt he needed it to deal with Rachel, impending fatherhood, and the loss of my friendship. I probably would have needed to talk to a professional if I didn't have Lexi. She knew what to say, when to use a soft touch, and when to push me out of my comfort zone and say, "It's time to stop grieving." And nothing against Les, Tank, or Bobby, but they are dumb guys and wouldn't have the slightest clue how to help Ranger deal with the upheaval in his life. I found it odd to think I was far enough removed from everything that happened that I now sort of cared for Ranger's wellbeing. I didn't care a whole lot, but I no longer fantasized about going all Lorena Bobbitt on his boy bits.
Halfway through reading the emails, I went back into the apartment to grab a glass of wine and ran into Lexi.
"Hey," she said. "Whatcha up to?"
"Grabbing a glass of wine before I go back out to the balcony to finish reading the emails Ranger sent," I replied.
"Woah. You finally decided to read them? What changed your mind?" Lexi asked, her eyebrows raising in shock.
"Bryce and I ran into Abuela, Ranger, and Julie last night at Maïte and I realized that I'm over Ranger. I really thought it'd hurt to see him again, but I just felt a little…nostalgic and maybe a little sad. I remembered all the good times and I guess I missed him some. Maybe I've forgiven him or maybe I've just moved past the whole situation. I'm not entirely sure yet." I opened the cabinet and grabbed a wine glass.
"Well, I'm glad it didn't hurt you or mess things up with Bryce's visit."
"Me, too. I think having Bryce there gave me the courage to face Ranger. I think I'd have been too scared to talk to Ranger what little I did without Bryce's silent support," I said while I was uncorking the bottle of wine.
"I'm glad Bryce was there for you, but wasn't it awkward?"
"A little. I mean, it wasn't comfortable, but it wasn't God-I-wish-the-earth-would-swallow-me-whole uncomfortable. I think the weirdest part was Julie preferring to be held by me rather than Ranger." I poured the wine and then took a sip.
Lexi started laughing. "I always said that kid had good taste."
"Well, I am pretty awesome," I said, winking at Lexi.
"Definitely. And I'd pick you over Carlos any day."
"I'd hope so. I'm your roomie and B.F.F.," I replied rolling my eyes.
"It helps that you're nice on the eyes," she joked. "Plus you have mad take-out ordering skills."
"Thanks, I think. I'm going to take my glass of wine back out there to finish reading," I said, picking up my glass of wine.
"Yell if you need me," Lexi called as I retreated back to the balcony.
I sat down on my lounge chair and grabbed my laptop. Taking a sip of my wine, I started reading again. Without realizing it, I had started to cry again when Ranger wrote about being scared that he'd die on a mission before we had a chance to resolve our issues. I hadn't even considered that. I put the laptop down so that I could go find Lexi.
When I walked into her room she looked up from the magazine she was reading. "Oh, no. What did el pendejo write?" [the asshole]
"He wrote that he feared he'd die on some mission before we resolved our issues," I sniffled. "And I hadn't even thought about that and now I feel like an awful person."
"Okay, I'm not following you. Why would that make you an 'awful person'?"
"Because he told me he knew I'd be upset if he died before we talk things through and he wanted me to know if that happened, that he understood why I cut him off and that he wasn't upset with me. He knew I'd feel guilty if he died and things were all messed up between us because I refused to talk to him. He was still concerned about me and my feelings. And I hadn't even thought about the possibility of him dying." Lexi handed me the box of tissues from her nightstand.
"Steph, you're not an awful person because you didn't concern yourself with the chance that he could die before you choose to talk to him. You were doing what's best for you like you should. Any one of us could die and leave unresolved issues with friends and family. That's life," she told me.
"But he wrote me because he didn't want me to be upset. He considered my feelings and I didn't give his any consideration." I couldn't stop shedding tears.
"You had no reason to take his feelings into account. He is the one who caused the rift. That's on him, not you. You have no reason to feel guilty about that. I wouldn't have considered his feelings if I were in your shoes and that doesn't make me a bad person. That's called self-preservation. You're just too nice for your own good."
"You sure?" I asked.
"Yes. Look, the sentiment behind what he said is good. He still knows you well. He knew you'd beat yourself up and he didn't want that for you. Going based on what you told me, the last thing he wants is for you to be upset because of something he wrote."
"I'm so confused," I mumbled.
"Reading those emails will probably confuse you. You came to terms with his betrayal and your feelings. You refused to talk to or see him, so you had no real idea what he was going through. It sounds like those emails gives you more of his perspective. Now you have to reconcile that with yours."
"Hmm, yeah. I guess so."
"Look…if you never want anything else to do with him, I'd probably stop reading the emails. There's no reason to read his words if you want nothing to do with him ever again. If you want him in your life in some capacity, I could understand reading the emails. Then you could deal with those feelings in the privacy of your own home instead of being forced to deal with them when the past almost year comes up in conversation, which inevitably it would. So the question is…what do you want?" Lexi asked me.
"I don't know."
"How about you figure that out before you possibly go back to reading them."
"Yeah, that's probably a good idea. Thanks for talking," I said, getting off the bed.
"No problem."
I walked out of her room and back to the balcony. I sipped my wine and glared at my laptop. Do I even want to be friends with Ranger again? Would that even be a good idea? Could I handle that? I knew I wasn't in love with him anymore, so I wouldn't consider any type of romantic relationship. I had never considered being friends with him again.
Hours later I still had not come to any sort of decision with regards to Ranger. The only thing that came out of that night was my calling Lula and inviting her down to visit me for the following weekend. I wanted my loud, loquacious friend to come distract me.
And distract me, she did.
"What do you mean you ain't got no snack cakes in this here apartment? What do you live off of?" Lula cried as she examined our cupboards in search of "acceptable" food.
"Well, Lexi cooks a lot and I specialize in ordering pizza and meatball subs," I replied.
"White girl, you got to get your food pyramid straight! Snack cakes are the foundation of any balanced diet. Come on, let's go shopping!" she tugged at my arm.
"Seriously? There's perfectly good day old pizza in there," I sighed. Lula just rolled her eyes at me. "Fine. Let me grab my purse."
"Now, you need to get fried chicken, snack cakes, donuts, ooh and maybe some waffles to go with that fried chicken. And you know if we get waffles, we need syrup, too. And it can't be no Aunt Jemima crap either. I mean real maple stuff. Plus, it's racist to buy Aunt Jemima. They make her look like Mammy, the slave."
Oh boy, I thought. It was too early in the morning for discussions about racism and whether or not Aunt Jemima looks like a slave in the Antebellum South. Really, that was just a discussion I didn't want to have because really, what could I say? To quote Lula, I was a "pasty white, skinny-ass white girl".
"Fried chicken, snack cakes, and donuts. Is it okay if we get some frozen waffles? I don't even know how you make waffles other than ordering them in a restaurant," I said.
"Oooh girl, I love me some Eggo® waffles! I'm coo' with frozen ones as long as they're Eggo®," Lula said. She continued babbling about the merits of Eggo® waffles in comparison to all the other brands out there. I found it a little scary she knew so much about frozen waffles, but this was Lula after all. I listened with half an ear so I knew when to make the appropriate "uh-huh" and "mmhmm" noises as I guided her down to the parking garage and my car.
We finally got on the road so we could get buy Lula's "necessities" at Garcia's Groceries. Ten minutes into the drive, Lula and I forgot why were were out and about.
"Did you just see that?" she asked me.
"So it's not just me then?" I asked.
"No. Oh my God. Follow that Tastykake® truck!" she screamed. "Come on, faster! We're losing him."
I checked my mirrors quickly, hit my turn signal and maneuvered my car around a big F150 truck that was keeping me from having a good visual on my target. He honked at me and gave me the bird, but I didn't care. I hadn't seen a Tastykake® in years. All I could think of was eating a Butterscotch Krimpett.
"Faster!" she yelled, bouncing up and down in the front passenger seat.
"I'm going, I'm going! Chill out," I replied.
My eyes were still on the prize, namely the a delicious butterscotch snack cake. The Tastykake® truck was now in the far right lane and I was in the left. Checking all of my mirrors, I hit the gas, ran a yellow light and cut across two lanes. I was still three cars behind. Thankfully, we were all stuck at a red light. I looked around at the neighboring cars, taking into consideration their make, model, and year they were made. I could easily out maneuver all but one car – a freaking candy apple red Lamborghini. The light turned green and I hit the gas, cutting off my neighbor in the middle lane. Sorry buddy, but you're in my way, I thought. I wove in and out of traffic until only that damn sports car was between us and the truck transporting snack cake gold.
"Where do you think they're goin'?" Lula asked, her eyes as large as saucers, and drool beginning to collect at her lower lip.
"Maybe Costco? I don't know. Last I knew, Tastykake® didn't distribute as far south as Florida. Hell, I couldn't even get them in Georgia." We continued to follow the truck another three miles before he finally turned into Costco's parking lot. "Shit, I don't have a membership."
"No problem, white girl. I got one when I went to college. I had to stock up on toilet paper. That shit they have at the dorms, girl it's so awful. It's like see through sandpaper. Ugh. So I had to start buying my own. I'm delicate ya know! And then the other girls on my floor found out and started buying rolls from me. A buck a roll! Can ya believe it? I made $250 in April," she told me.
Only Lula, I thought and laughed. "Well in that case, you can buy the Tastykakes®."
"I can handle that. Come on. Let's go find us some snack cake-y goodness!"
And you can check out Pinterest. I really did find a Tastykake® truck last summer, which inspired this chapter. Hope you all have a great week :)
