Well hello. The next three weeks (in the story, I can only dream about getting one chapter finished a week.) will be spent practicing for nationals. I'm not sure how much of the songs and actual practicing you will see in the chapters. But I think you'll like what I have planned anyway. There will be three chapters- one for every week. And five POV's in each. Then as usual a theme for every chapter. In every POV, there will be a flashback for something important that happened during the year- or at least most of the POV's. There might be one or two only set in the present. Anyway, here we go.

There are two characters in this chapter that have barely been in the story since the first chapter. Those are Miss Riley- the principal, and Mr. Campbell- the librarian. When I wrote them it was before I chose celebrity look alike's for every little character. I have now added them to the full cast list with the years- their portrayers are Hugo Weaving and Bethany Joy Lenz.

I've decided to keep the stories of mine that are going close to their endings at priority for the closest time (until I have finished them then) and it is this story. And the five listed here
-How far I'll go
-Unpretty hurts
-The one where rawr means I love you in dinosaur
-The little girl
-Stranger defended

And as I currently am working on thirteen multi-chapter stories and two one-shots I sure could do with finishing some haha.

Blaine POV

June was usually my favorite time of the year.

June was looking forward to the summer-holidays, June was my birthday (the 28th), June was the month in which finally all American states it was legal for me and Kurt to marry. So we did marry- the year after it was made legal, in June. June was warmth and the winter finally all gone, sunshine and flowers everywhere.

June really was my favorite time of the year.

Except for this year.

This year, the fourth as it was this Monday. I was ridden by the reactions I had gotten from the students on Thursday when I'd told them Finn's army wouldn't be next year. Because I wouldn't be here. Then Friday June the first had been only choosing wisely the words to put on Facebook what I wanted for them to know. And just hope that it would make someone feel better.

I wasn't so sure how I should take the fact that nobody had answered. Christie, of course, since we lived in the same house. I couldn't get away from. But she hadn't looked me in the eyes since Thursday and spent as good as every minute of the day in her room.

On Monday morning she was riding in my car to school as she always did. But she'd probably have been riding the bus or even walked the whole way if Carole hadn't made us. And Christie still didn't say a single word on the whole way- and neither did I until I had parked and she was out the door.

"I hope you have a good day."

Christie threw the door closed after her and didn't make any intention of having heard what I said. Without running she sure could move in a fast pace for someone as short as her. And I didn't look away until the doors in the entrance had closed behind her. When I pulled the phone out of my pocket and put up Facebook. Thank God for smartphones and making this so easy for me.

Just like the beginning of every week I went into the group for Finn's army and started writing the announcement that was exactly the one I had dreaded through all of this year. The one that meant this was almost over.

Hey guys

As soon as I had put the first two words there I was in loss.

I had the theme planned, of course. It was time now. But shoving the memories of how people had reacted to me leaving away I couldn't find the words to write. And the ones I ended up writing at least seemed dry and pointless.

As you know this is when we start rehearsing for nationals. And as you know, you are choosing the songs. The national's competition is in Honolulu, Hawaii Friday the twenty second. And it's after the school day Wednesday the twentieth we'll be on a plane in collected group and moving southwards from ten K above the ground.

With another deep sigh I deleted what I had just written. What did it matter to them how high up in the air an airplane moved? Most of them knew anyway and we would go through the time to be at the airport and everything in the choir room.

Hey guys

I'm planning on having more rehearsals than we have had otherwise now when we're right before nationals. It's three weeks left, and after last class every day I will be in the choir room. Everybody who wants to can be there. I don't care.

While I dunked my clenched fist against my forehead I once again deleted everything I had just written. I couldn't write that to the students- not all of the ones that had been there through all of this year. It wasn't their fault I had screwed up.

Hey guys.

I hope you're looking forward to the rehearsals for nationals as much as I am. I can't wait to see what songs you want to suggest and I'm sure they'll all be great. I was thinking we have rehearsals every day this week and next. If there are any exceptions I'll let you know. I'll be in the choir room when the last class ends today- hoping to see you all there. Can't wait.

-Mr. Blaine.

I tried to ignore the thought of how few of these announcements there were left for me to write. It felt like just yesterday I had been walking into this school nine months ago. After everything, full of nervousity since I had realized not everything would go according to plan even if I had one. Then full of hope for a new job at the one place that actually meant something.

Watching students all around walking up towards the school building I finally unbuckled my belt, took my shoulder strap bag from the floor by the shotgun seat and with slow and heavy steps walking up to the school and through the doors.

I barely knew where I was going. The way to the library I knew perfectly. But I didn't think about where I was going until all of a sudden I found myself standing alone in the choir room.

All of the memories stuck in between these walls there were no words that could explain.

I was standing right by the door as it fell closed behind me. Then at the sound of it closing I moved and walked over to the middle where I froze only moving my head to look around. Making sure of taking in every single detail of what was in it.

Each chair in the lines in the back, I could name who had been sitting exactly where during the last nine months. The band's chairs to the left with chairs for Dom, Jonas and then Wil's behind the drums. The piano behind me and the chair that Kayla was usually on during rehearsals. And then, to the right on the wall- the plaque with Finn's photo and quote.

"The show must go on…"

Flashback

April the 27th, 2018

And with that, five years had passed since Finn Christopher Hudson had been hit by a car and passed away.

Then of course, no matter how bad I felt- or Kurt, or Burt, or Christie or anyone. None of us felt as bad as Carole and we all knew it. Even though she still, five years later was trying to cover and hide exactly how much her heart was breaking.

What way was there to show it? We all knew she was hurting way too much than words could tell.

When I came home that day she was sitting on a chair by the kitchen table. A teacup was right in front of her at the table, but if I could guess- I would have guessed it was cold by now. Without her having touched it, and she had been in the exact same position when I left for McKinley in the morning.

"Hey. Are you okay?"

Of course she wasn't! But what was I supposed to say?

"Yeah." Carole looked up, smiled and me and nodded. But then turned away while the smile faded, and I wouldn't think she even thought about the fact that I was still there when she held up her hand in front of her with all five fingers stretched out. Then two short words slipped over my lips before I even had the time to notice they were there.

"Five years."

Carole looked up and turned to me again. Then nodded and looked down on her hand as if she hadn't even noticed she held it there. Then the sigh she drew was of a heartbroken and from-the-toes-kind-of-way.

"Five years!"

"Where are Kurt and Burt?"

"Kurt's upstairs doing some job. Burt had to go do some grocery shopping for a couple of things I forgot. Christie… Well, I don't know where Christie is really. But I have a feeling she went to the graveyard. Burt'll be back any second and I was thinking we'll order some food for today. I don't really feel like cooking- and then we can order Finn's favorites. You know, pizza, burger- everything at once."

"That was Finn for you. He could sure eat like a horse."

"And nobody knew that more than I did." Alice was never far away from Carole's side. Especially not in times like these. And we both watched Alice as she got onto her feet and laid her chin against Carole's leg. Then whimpered slightly and growled in well- being when Carole scratched her ears. "Five years ago, minus a few hours. I was pretty certain I was going to die. It felt like it. When losing a child, it feels like all of you- all of your heart, your brain, your everything. Is being ripped into pieces, over and over again twenty four hours a day. And it doesn't stop. Not for a day, not even for a second. It's for life. But… I didn't. And here we are five years later. That feels like a million that still only feels like it could just as well has been five seconds."

Carole was interrupted when Alice started whimpering and then turned to trot over to the door before she trot back to Carole and whimpered again. Carole ignored the dog and continued while I still hadn't moved from the doorway.

"Sorry. I didn't mean to spill that all on you. What do you want Alice?" She looked down on the dog that ran towards the door again as if she would magically start speaking English and tell Carole what she wanted. "I wish you could tell me what you wanted."

"Don't say you're sorry. You didn't spill anything on me. I think she needs to… do her business. I'll take her out for a walk." I dropped my bag on the kitchen sofa. "It'll only be a minute."

"No." Carole got up before I had the time to reach the door or even the hallway. "I'll take her out. You know Alice." While taking the teacup and putting it in the dishwasher Carole was talking to the dog instead of to me. "You really turned up in my life at the best moment you could have ever had. When I was broken the most after Finn then I found you and… You're not Finn of course. But I had something to take care of again. Someone…" She kneeled and looked into Alice's eyes. "…Someone that I could trust would always be there and even make me laugh even when I didn't feel like I could." Alice whimpered again. "Now we'll have to go outside before you have an accident."

I took my bag from the kitchen sofa again and walked upstairs. Kurt sat with his laptop by our desk and seemed concentrated. But looked up when I came in and smiled- despite the sad glance in his eyes that nobody that didn't know him as well as I did would be able to see.

"Hey Kurt." I walked over, laid my hand on his arm, leaned over and kissed him. "Had a good day at work?" I nodded to the laptop. My husband only sighed and shook his head slightly. "Oh damn. Well, I had a pretty normal day really. I'm not sure there is anything to tell you about it. But then of course." I kissed him again, on the lips, on the cheek, on his neck, down on his neck. When I was down by his collar bone he pushed me okay. "Yeah. Sorry." I threw my bag in a corner and slumped down on our bed. "Today is just… a sad day and…" I sighed again just as we heard the door downstairs open and close. "…I don't want to be sad."

"BLAINE."

Carole shouting from the hallway sounded important. I and Kurt sent each questioning look towards each other- it wasn't like her to shout through the house like this. Then despite the tone I couldn't bother to get up and go downstairs.

"YES?"

"THE LETTER FROM THE UNIVERSITY YOU APPLIED TO IS HERE."

For a second I just froze where I sat. And so did Kurt right on the other side of the small space in between the bed and the desk chair. Then we both find our moving, jumped around, ran down the hallway and down the stairs where Carole stood with my letter in her hand.

Then, with it in my hand I froze again. All of a sudden it just felt so important how I did this and if I opened the envelope slowly or quickly. Then for a few, shaky seconds I just stood with it in my hand and stared at it.

"Blaine I promise you. If you don't open that letter now. I will take it from you and I might or might not rip it into pieces I'll be so quick. Open it- now."

Carole sounded more stressed than what I had heard her before. Not sad anymore, if I hadn't known any better I would have thought everything about this letter had made her forget about everything else even if so for only a few seconds.

At last ripping the envelope open I could feel my heart beating in my ears. I barely even noticed the door opening and Burt coming inside. Soon the whole family of Hudson-Hummel's were gathered around me. As if the pressure wasn't big enough when one unfolds a letter from the school one has applied to.

Then again, I only stood with the letter in my hand for seconds without another move. And all of a sudden I was on the verge of crying and had to wipe away tears with my sleeve.

"Blaine." Kurt took my hand in his tenderly, holding it exactly where our rings laid towards each other's as a piece of the promise we had made each other and kept. "You know. That whatever this letter says then we'll still be here." I looked up on him, then on Carole and on Burt and back down on the letter that I still hadn't unfolded.

"Kurt's right son. You're not getting rid of us so easily. Even if you wanted to."

"I don't want to get rid of you…" I couldn't help but smile. "I wouldn't ever want to. I just… There are so many people who wants to get into schools like these and I… I'm only one."

Of course, I already had a job that I loved. That I didn't want to leave. But going on twenty three years old and barely knowing where I would be next year. Still in Lima or back in New York? I and Kurt couldn't live with Burt and Carole forever.

"Even if you don't get in honey. For the both of you- know that you can stay here for as long as you want." I nodded slightly and looked down on the letter and mine and Kurt's hands, him still holding on tenderly while I- without thinking unfolded the letter all at once. Then read before I had the time to change my mind or hesitate.

Congratulations

End of flashback

"I knew this kid when he went here."

I had turned back to the chairs, forward in the room and hadn't noticed Mr. Campbell from the library coming in. At least not until he spoke to me and pointed to the plaque.

"Finn? Yeah. He was great."

"So I've heard. Well, maybe knew is the wrong word- I only knew him by name and glee club concerts. I saw him around the school then of course. Always with friends or girlfriend…. It's sad what happened to him." Mr. Campbell silent and looked towards the plaque before he turned and to the shelves and the books with sheet music he had given me when I had decided to start the glee club. "Have you had any use for these?"

"Ehrm… Actually I don't think so." Mr. Campbell took a book from the shelf and riffled in it. I realized that despite all hours in this room I never had and did the same. "None of us never got around to use them… I could use another year or two with this glee club. There's so much I wanted to do but never did. And… thank you so much. Really. None of this wouldn't ever have happened if you hadn't given me that job." And maybe you shouldn't have- I remember you saying that I didn't have no education or anything… I don't think I ever thanked you for it."

"You're doing it now." He smirked slightly. "But you don't have to. I should thank you- you've been great. The best I could have ever had. And I would love for you to stay and I know what you're thinking. But you know what I said. And I'm your boss. I'm not going to take it back."

"That even if it doesn't work out in New York I'm not getting another job here. That you have asked every single piece of staff in this whole school district to do the same. Yeah, I couldn't exactly forget that."

"I know you hate me for it now. But it's for your own good."

I nodded and looked down to hide the new tears that were rising in my eyes. Then felt him patting my shoulder slightly- of course I couldn't hide anything from him. I should have learnt that by now.

He was right though. He and Miss Riley would have to force me away from her in the way they were. Or else I would just come running back as soon as the next school year started and then go on and on and on. Even if I loved the job I had had this year. I couldn't get stuck working this, leaving in the house of my dad and stepmum in law for the rest of my life.

But I think I would have to do it to really see what Mr. Campbell did. And to really feel grateful that he made sure I didn't have a chance of coming back.

"Future seems scary when you're young. Especially when it's changing all around you. I know that because believe it or not- I have been twenty three years old too. Then when you're as old as I am right now, with most of your life behind you, you wake up one day and realize that it turned out pretty good anyway. Good enough to feel happy about. But future still seems like a nice place to be. I hope I'll meet you there someday." Mr. Campbell put the book he was holding back in the shelf. "You know. This still is a music room. Maybe I'll just leave these books here. Maybe one day, there'll be someone around to use them for more than collecting dust."

Mr. Campbell backed away and watched as if in pride of having been a part of how exactly these shelves and these books had ended up here. Then smiled slightly at me before he slowly walked towards the door, the hallway and library.

"Now come on. The year's not quite over yet and it's time for another week of work."

Charlotte POV

"I don't think that yesterday anyone wanted to say anything at all." Mr. Blaine said once the second rehearsal for nationals started on Tuesday. "Actually I didn't either. But nationals is coming, so's the end of the year whether we want it to or not. Everything we can do, I and all of you. Is to have as much fun as possible, and do our best. And I was thinking, this week and next you guys can suggest songs- it will be like another regular glee-club-week. Suggest anything you can think of. You already know that this year's theme at the competitions. It's the same as on sectionals and regionals- what the glee club means to you. Then, on Monday through Wednesday during the third week we'll practice the songs. The plane leaves for Hawaii on Wednesday afternoon. Thursday we'll spend getting to know the environment. And then Friday are the competitions. No rocket science really. Did everybody get everything?"

"Are we going to fly with an airplane to get to Hawaii?"

The silence had been thick until Christie was the only one with a question- a question everyone knew the answer too. And only Christie herself knew why she had asked.

"Yes. Of course. Why?" Christie only shook her head- nothing and leaned back without looking up on anyone. "You're not afraid of flying are you? I don't think you ever told us about that if so."

"Of course not. Flying is like a million times safer than riding a car."

It wasn't that hard to see Christie thought she was a good liar. But the way she was looking away and scratching the bridge of her nose. She was afraid of flying and she knew it perfectly well even though she didn't want to tell.

"Does anyone have any songs to suggest for this week and this rehearsal?" Mr. Blaine asked, caught my attention and gazed over the group. "Nobody? Not one. Well, whether we'd like it or not we will have to choose some songs. Think about that guys. I guess this is the end of today's rehearsal then. I'll see you guys tomorrow."

Mr. Blaine turned away, grabbed his bag and left without another word. Nobody said anything but I had a feeling he was disappointed more than anything. Disappointed to be working the whole year to then end like this.

I wanted to do a song, I wanted to really bad. But at the same time I didn't want to be the only one. It felt like if I would be, and my song would be chosen. I would be a traitor.

We all knew everything was changing and the glee club ending. But it was like if no one did a song. Maybe if we had nothing for nationals. We would wake up the morning after nationals and Mr. Blaine would have put something on Facebook to tell he had put up Finn's army for this year too.

But everything was changing, and that very much too fast.

Flashback

"Now." We were rehearsing for the song for regionals when Mr. Blaine suddenly seemed to think of something. "Being inspired by the 2016 performance of this. I think Keagan, Bradon and Christie should do the solos of the song. And then the rest of us will come walking in from both sides of the curtains. Stomping so we can get them in the rhythm. And then, in that performance there is a boy with the singer as well. And right before the end of the song he sings the bridge before the refrain. And I think somebody else should sing that- somebody who haven't had a solo so far. It's only two lines. Who feels like they could be up for it?"

"I can."

That didn't take many seconds…

It wasn't very surprising that Lea-Marie was the one to let her voice be heard. Although she did have her solos in the group song we were doing as our last song.

"You've got the solos in the group number along with Sharon Lea." Mr. Blaine gazed over the group. "I'd rather it be someone who doesn't have a solo in any of the other songs. Just be quiet for a second you guys I need to think."

We were all silent, for the first time I would almost think when Mr. Blaine gazed over the group while scratching his chin. From one side to the other, then back towards the other, and back again.

"But come on." Lea-Marie said loudly. "Make up your…"

"Charlotte." I flinched at my name being called. "I think you should do it Charlie. Do you want to try at first."

"I… I…"

I couldn't come up with anything to say. Even though it should have been "I don't want to" "I can't" or "Come up with someone else" or "I think someone else will do it better" there was a part of me that was the opposite and barely a full word slipped out.

"I think you will be great Charlie. Now, now. Let's go through the song one more time. Do you know which lines I'm talking about?" I nodded, the song was great and I'd listened to it a million times. "You do them. If it's not right then somebody else can try. Okay? From the top."

"But I… but I…"

When I couldn't think of anything to say. Or interrupt loud enough for anyone to hear the singing went on. With the dancing Daniel did wrong (not very surprisingly- he was the worst dancer of us all) Christie came up at the wrong part of the first verse. And then at last, it was the last of the lines before the last refrains.

And just as I was on my way to protest. Suggest that Belle, or Esme, or Seth could take it instead the words only slipped from my lips. As I set it the first time. And despite faults happening with the rest of the song and the dancing and everything- the words for me came one after the other and it hit.

"That was great all of you." Mr. Blaine clapped his hands once we finally had reached the end of the song. "…Daniel, you've got to practice that dancing." Daniel grimaced and jokingly stuck his tongue out at Mr. Blaine. "Haha, we need to practice that song. But you Charlotte… that part- perfect."

I couldn't help but smile. And then, as not to seem too confident looked down so my bangs fell over my face. But just in the corner of my eye I could see Mr. Blaine's smile towards me.

"Now. I have some things to do today. Otherwise we could have stayed- but we'll keep on practicing tomorrow. And I'm absolutely sure that we'll make it, one part after the other. All in perfection on Friday. Off you go, see you tomorrow."

I picked up my bag off the floor, threw it over one shoulder and left the room before anyone had the time to take my attention. And when I came home I didn't tell anyone I would get to have a solo.

Frances and Kirsten would only think I would mess it all up anyway. And I couldn't stand the thought of knowing they would be correct.

And then, the day at regionals...

There were just too many people here. I hadn't quite as many.

Just as Finn's army stood in two groups by the stage just about ready to walk out. Everything was set, and the few words of the solo I'd gotten was playing on repeat for my inner hearing.

Maybe I could do this.

I had sung that part to myself, in my room a million times the last few days. It was set in the back of my head even if I so would freeze in fear up on the stage. And just a few seconds from now and it would be over.

It was coming closer and closer I could feel with my legs trembling while we started marching onto the stage in two groups.

Then more steps, right, left, right, left…

And then…

It was almost as if I was hearing myself from outside when the couple of lines slipped from my lips and suddenly it was all over. All of that practicing and it was all over before I even knew about it.

Maybe things really had changed- including myself.

End of flashback

Things have changed this year. And so have I.

"I know one thing that haven't changed this year." Seth told me and brought me back to reality on the way we were walking home. "I still walk the whole way to school. And from school. Every day, five days a week. Now that makes three hours a day, fifteen hours a week and I don't even want to figure how many hours, days and weeks I spent on walking this year. I mean, it was another thing when we lived in Aroostok county in Maine- school was only down the block."

"Uh- huh."

I couldn't think of anything at all to say except to only make a couple of sounds showing that I agreed. As both my and Seth's feet turned and led us down the street towards my house he kept talking. Then of course, he would keep on walking long after I was home

"Maybe one thing that will have to change for next year is me riding in a car… Now." We stopped at the bottom of my driveway. "Sorry, I just kept on talking. Only thinking out loud… I have barely left time for you to say a word."

"That's Kirsten's car."

It was the only thing I could think of saying while I pointed to the black SUV standing in the driveway. There was only two cars there, Kirsten's and my sister's. That would mean that dad was probably still at work. Maybe Kirsten caught this moment to come and bully me and Fran one last time before she had to leave.

Of course so wasn't the case. But I couldn't help that something clenched in my stomach while I waved goodbye to Seth and walked up the porch steps and into the hallway where Kirsten just stood with a big cardboard carton in her hands.

"These are the last of my things." Kirsten nodded to the big carton in her hands without greeting me. "If you find something else, you can send it with Liam in school. I suppose I won't be seeing you again. At least not any time soon."

Without saying goodbye and with her head held high she walked out of the house. Then I and Frances walked out after her. But stayed on the porch steps and watched her having some trouble with opening the car holding onto the car.

"Aren't any of you girls going to help me?"

"Nope."

Before I had the time to say or do anything Frances had answered for the both of us. And none of us moved an inch while Kirsten looked towards us. Even with the meters in between us I could see her eyes burning with anger before she turned, more or less threw the box into the back seat, got into the driver's seat herself and hit the gas hard steering out of the driveway.

"Don't you feel a little bit sad?" I couldn't help but ask. "After all, we've met Kirsten every single day and lived in the same house as her for a long time. It's got to be a little bit sad, doesn't it?"

"Nope."

I couldn't help to laugh at my sister. After all of these years of only being foes it felt good and suddenly none of us could stop. While our chuckles must have echoed through our block Kirsten's car moved further away and when we finally could stop she was long gone.

"I actually have to agree with you on that. I won't miss her a bit."

Frances laid her arm around my shoulders while we turned together and walked back into the house. A house that felt warmer and lighter than it had in a long time. And then of course. It was all Kirsten- free.

"Things are changing little sister." Frances said when I bent down to pick KittyKat up from the floor and sit down in the couches of the living room. "They're scary. But as we just saw, not all of them are for anything getting worse."

Benjamin POV

"It's just that at the end of every school year I start wondering…"

On Wednesday, the first week we had started rehearsing for nationals I and Dakota had been walking home after glee club in silence. I guess- the same kind of silence there had been mostly in the glee club. Since until now at least no one seemed to have thought of a single song to suggest.

"…I start wondering what would have happened if I had made other choices than what I did. If I had turned right instead of left, done things I should have. Not done things that I shouldn't have but did anyway. Done it a bit later. Never met you, never joined the glee club… Do you get how many choices it is a person makes each and every single day?"

I looked down and on my right hand and Dakota's left. With fingers wrapped around each other's. After exactly everything that had happened in my life and during this year I must have done something right…

Dakota noticed me looking and looked down on our hands too I suddenly found out so freaking adorable how much shorter than me he was. I opened my hand and pulled it away from his and he looked up with a disappointed pout.

"Why are you letting go?"

"So I can turn against you like this." I stopped right in front of our driveway and turned so I faced him. Then leaned forward and kissed him right on the lips. "I like that a whole lot better than holding hands."

"Oh yeah, doing that was a very good choice." Instead of going inside I and Dakota sat down on the porch and turned towards the sunshine. "And so was quitting the football team. Which leaves for time for being only you and me?"

"I barely went to any football games or practices last year either."

I had never gotten why I had decided to join the football team just after starting my freshman year almost three years ago. I had just wanted to do something not being one of the losers that didn't spend my time with doing anything else than school, homework and staying at home.

Of course I wouldn't have minded doing only that. But I had been closeted gay and literally frightened of anyone finding any reason at all to hate on me.

"I chose the glee club over the cheerios. I wanted to cheer of course. I think all kinds of dancing is a lot of fun and I wanted to be a part of both so bad. Then I realized two of three of cheerio's rehearsals a week are at the same times as the glee club. And I chose the glee club. Even only at the first day as I was standing there. Of course I was choosing a bit back and forth but I knew all the time I was choosing the glee club."

"Now, next your I guess you'll be doing cheerios then. The glee club you only had this year to do." Dakota shrugged, but I'd bet anything on that he would be auditioning for the cheerios again the first chance he got in the fall. "Nothing will ever be the same as Finn's army though."

"No… Will you be joining the football team again?"

I shook my head. I had no intention of returning to that. If I had any intention to do anything at all then I'd guess the basketball team. Football was just way too violent. But I'd doubt I'd have any time for sports with the senior exams and everything.

"I promise I'll be at every game and watch you cheer."

"But apart from sports then. I mean, I chose when I found that old scrapbook to make sure to find out what happened to my mum. I chose to come back to them after that fire at your house. I chose to be there for Sharon after I figured and found out she was pregnant. And those are decisions that made quite big changes of course. Then there are small choices you make every day. Do I want to bring cereal or muesli in that cup that Wil gave me for Christmas to make sure I had breakfast. Or in the weekends- do I want to eat crisps with sour cream and onion or salt?"

Seeing in front of me a game and Dakota cheering. A football letterman jacket with McKinley's colors on it. Been given Finn's old from Carole after my old one burned up in the fire at our house. That jacket had been hanging in a wardrobe since she gave it to me.

"There's something I have to do." I stood up from the porch. "But just in case you're wondering. I think the best choice I made this year was getting to know you. Then the second really great choice I did this year was quitting Ritalin."

Flashback

"Mum." One morning at the beginning of February mum was barely awake when I got out of bed and was going to school in the morning. "I have not taken my meds today." She raised an eyebrow at me. "Those make it easier to keep still and concentrate but… I just can't deal with all the side effects anymore. And I hope that you'll let me do it."

Mum just smiled at me tiredly and leaned to the side so she could lay her head against my shoulder. I was all ready for school, but since I was waiting for Mady anyway I didn't move anyway and kept wondering about how the school day would pass by without the meds that had helped me for the last seven years.

"Benji. You're turning eighteen later this year. You're practically an adult. Even if I didn't want you to quit those meds it would still be your choice. But of course I don't want you to keep on taking them. Especially not after what happened to your dad. I know that those meds are nothing like what he put in his body. But I'll be happy as long as you don't take them or feel like you have to. If you are happy without them then so am I."

We could hear Mady getting ready in her room and mum said it and reached for the breakfast. Well, somewhat breakfast at least. Maybe an evening meal was more correct. She had just come home from work and as soon as I and Mady had left she'd go to bed and sleep.

"But, may I ask. Where did you get the idea for quitting them right now from? Still, you've been taking them for seven and a half years. We might want to call the doctor and check if it has to be done you know… lowering the dose a bit for a week or two. Then a bit more and a bit more… Instead of just quitting them."

"I already checked it up on the Internet. I couldn't find any reason to why I'd have to do it like that. And… about where the idea came from. I guess it's quite a sad reason really. There is this girl in glee club. She's been waiting to get a kidney transplant. And… it seems too late and she'll… she'll be dead within a couple of days unless a miracle turns up. I feel terrible for saying that but… that's the way it is. Anyway, Christie and so many others are not and will not ever be able to live a life without having to take medicines every day. And… I have the chance to try. So I want to try, to give it a chance for real I'm trying the rest of this week and all of next week and if it doesn't work out then… I'll have to talk to the doctor because I just can't stand all of these side effects anymore."

I had been going back and forth choosing if I should do this or not about three thousand and eighty times the last few weeks. I knew I could do without them since I often skipped them during weekends and holidays when I didn't need to concentrate. But school would be another thing and my grades weren't exactly the best.

Then, as a moment came by that I didn't feel as if I would ever, at any point in my life would be able to go on without meds another wave of nausea hit me. Or I was just a tiny little bit stressed about things and I'd start shaking, or I would feel full after half a meal. That was so good I just wanted to eat more of it and I had just had enough!

"MADISON." Mum shouted for my sister. "THE BUS LEAVES IN TWENTY MINUTES AND YOU AND BENJAMIN NEEDS TO GO WITH IT."

As if only waiting for mum to shout we could hear heavy steps from Mady's room and down towards the kitchen. At least the bus stop was just across the road from our driveway. Because she was still in her pyjamas and every move was slow and stiff.

"I'll make you a sandwich." I got up from my seat. "You go and get dressed."

It was when I reached for bread and butter to make Mady breakfast I realized that about ten seconds ago I had been talking about quitting the meds it felt like a million years since I had started on. And for the first time today I had just kind of forgotten about it for a second.

Maybe if today led into two days, these two weeks turned into three…

A life without meds could be my normal and I did not even know about what it could be yet. I had been taking them for so long… A lot of things had changed in my life ever since…

Well, there was that part with not being able to concentrate.

"Ben. I don't think that sandwich needs anymore butter on it now. And I think you dreamed away."

"Oh…" For a second I only stared down on the sandwich, barely knowing what was on front of me and suddenly I didn't even know what I was doing and fear started roaring up inside of me. "Well… I guess I'll have to find a way to make it work… Even though I'll lose my concentration and have trouble keeping still and whatever else comes with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder." I continued more to myself than to mum. "I'm shaking all the time. I keep on having panic attacks, I can't eat because I'm always nauseas. I have a feeling there is more to it than this that I'll notice first when it's gone but… it's just so annoying and… I'm done."

"You are old enough to feel yourself what is right Ben." Mum kissed my cheek. "But you know that I'll support you no matter what you choose. And I too think it should be wonderful if you could live your life without… whatever is in those meds running through your veins with every heartbeat. But now… I'm sorry. But I have to go to bed. Tonight was busy."

"Good morning." I smirked a bit and then put the now made sandwiches on the table when Mady came into the kitchen. "Here Mady. Guess what I'm doing today? I think it's something very exciting. Can you guess?"

I didn't quite understand why I felt so excited about it. At least I didn't until I all of a sudden understand that maybe the reason I felt excited was because I hadn't taken the meds today. As if the side effects had taken not only my hyperactivity, but also all happiness and really…

Not until now I realized that was why I had felt so angry. Because I suddenly realized I wasn't. And I wasn't stressed when I saw it was five minutes left until the bus came- it would take us about ten seconds to run across the street for it. So why would I?

The smile wouldn't leave me be through all the bus ride where I left Mady off where she met her teacher at the stop. Or as the bus continued towards McKinley. The smile didn't fade off my lips while I walked up the hallway, even though it was the beginning of the week still.

"How's Christie?" I asked when I passed Mr. Blaine. "Any changes?" He only shook his head. "I'm sorry I'm smiling but… Well. I kind of have a feeling it will be okay? Don't you? I know I have it."

Mr. Blaine gave a weak smile, only for a second or two. I felt bad for smiling at all. But something told me he didn't seem to mind it.

"Good thing you're happy Ben. Please stay that way. I have to go to the library now."

Mr. Blaine continued down the hallway, I could see my best friend Dakota right in that direction. And while, of course I felt bad for smiling even when mentioning Christie. I still didn't seem to be able to let the smile fade for a single second.

"Hey Kota."

"Hi… well, you seem hyper."

"I haven't taken my meds today."

"I had already guessed that's what it was."

Sometimes I felt that despite we had only known each other a few months Dakota knew me better than anyone. But as we had our first classes in two different directions we didn't have time to talk before we turned in each direction and continued towards the correct classrooms.

Then, on my way up the stairs I suddenly I felt something in my stomach and I just realized that for the first time since I started Ritalin I was hungry for real. Those meds took away hunger and if I had been hungry I had just felt nauseas. Then realized I was hungry because the longer it had been since I ate last the more nauseas I had been. This tme I felt hungry for real.

I wanted to tell someone, anyone. But I doubted anyone would care for the feeling to actually feeling hungry for the first time in ages. So I chuckled quietly and shook my head to myself when I passed Mr. Angelo just as class was about to start and sat down by my desk.

"There is one thing I'd like to know before we start then…" Mr. Angelo started and looked with a slight frown towards me. "What is making Mr. Heedie so happy today?"

"Oh…"

I felt everybody's eyes on me as everybody turned to look towards me. While I quickly searched for an answer. I didn't want to tell my whole class I had ADHD and was quitting my medicines. But then of course. What could I say?

"Life." I said at last with my smile growing bigger. "And the fact that it does change even when it doesn't feel like it will."

End of flashback

By now, at the end of the year I knew the way to Burt and Carole's house from ours easily. Which was good because having collected what I needed to take to theirs I was actually quite nervous.

Carole had given me Finn's old letterman jacket in McKinley's colors right after the fire at our old house. She had practically refused not to give it to me. Since then it had barely been touched. And knowing I should have given it back months ago. I knew Carole would have to know why I hadn't. Hopefully Carole wouldn't be angry at me for it.

I was seriously nervous- all emotions were just real nowadays in ways they'd never been when I was on Ritalin. So it was a bit too soon before I walked up the driveway towards the Hudson- Hummel- Anderson- Kyemohr's household and knocked on the door.

"Hey Carole." Thankfully, the person I was looking for opened the door and Alice came jumping out and skipped around my legs. "And hey Alice. I'm sorry. But I need to talk to Carole for a moment so I'm not here to pet you."

Carole signed at me to wait, then grabbed Alice by the collar, took her inside. More or less threw her into the kitchen and threw the door closed so she wouldn't get the chance to come back.

"She gets a bit excited whenever people come here." Carole moaned, but the smile on her lips and the sparkle in her eyes were undeniable- she loved her furry friend. I held her the letterman jacket. "Oh… don't you need it anymore. Because if you do then you can keep it. It might as well come in handy."

"I…"

I hesitated a bit when I started talking and felt my cheeks going bright red. I really felt ashamed- not because I had lied about going to football practice and still kept the letterman jacket. But for… well… I guess I'd have to admit it sooner or later.

"I am honored you gave me this after our things burned down. I really am and I could never thank you enough. But I have barely been to a single football practice all year. But… I really did feel honored when you gave me Finn's old jacket. Since then it's been… just lying in a dresser drawer collecting dust. But knowing it was Finn's old and now mine felt good and… I didn't want to let that good feeling go. Not even when I felt bad for keeping what I really knew was yours. And Finn, I know he was a great person. He did good things for the team and the school and I just… I can't take this. This is yours."

At last Carole took the jacket from my hands. She was still smiling as me but a frown had formed in her forehead while she silently ran her thumb over the fabric.

"Well thanks for giving it back." She said at last, looking at the jacket instead of on me. "But don't worry… Kurt is making dinner tonight. I think he's finished about now. Do you want to come in and have some?" The sudden change of subject had me standing opening and closing my mouth over and over like a fish. While I barely even understood what she had just asked. "Don't you even dare say you don't want to be a burden. Do you remember how I never learnt to not make as much food as I would need to make when Finn was around? I still haven't learnt. And even though Kurt is the cook today, I helped."

"I just… I…"

I stuttered a bit, closed my mouth, opened it, then closed it again when I couldn't think of the right thing to say. I had been thinking Carole would be angry with me for keeping that jacket but then… I just didn't get it!

"Benjamin. I gave you that jacket. Then why would you have to feel bad for having it? I practically forced you to take it. And yes, this jacket means a lot to me. But it's just an item. Just like so many other of Finn's old things. But if I gave you something else of Finn's old things because I might. Then if you don't want it. Just say what you mean right away."

I nodded- words seemed like too much for the moment being and I doubted that would change within the nearest few seconds. Maybe not even the fact that every single time Carole had asked me this since the beginning of the school year I had at first hesitated or said I didn't want to be a burden.

But of course, she had already answered.

"Well. Why not?"

Carole's smile was big and bright when she moved away from the door so I could get in. I just walked in without changing the silence in between us- then was reminded of something that I would have to ask when I met Burt in the kitchen.

"Hey kid."

"Hey… Burt… There's a thing I wanted to ask you. I was wondering. About in the fall. Would it be possible for me to keep working for you? I really enjoyed doing that. And well, of course I get that a deployment isn't about how much one enjoys it but…"

"Shut up kid and let me answer." I hit my jaws so hard together my teeth hurt. "Now. I think it would be great if you came back and worked for me- BUT. Next year will be your senior year in high school and that's a stressful one. SO, if you come back and work for me. School will still have to come first. If there's a week with mountains of homework and tests then you tell me about it and I'll give you some time off work. And then it doesn't matter what's going on at the shop. Have we got a deal?"

Looking from Burt, to Carole, to Kurt and Mr. Blane who were putting the dinner on the table and then to Christie who just came through the door. Then down at Alice, who with her tail going back and forth stood with a toy in her mouth staring up at me.

I really had never thought about before exactly how many pieces this family were. Like pieces of a puzzle finally fitting together somehow.

It had taken me all year to show up in my face how much they all meant to me.

Maybe I meant something to them too…

The thought of imagining pieces of a puzzle. With each of our faces on it had me bursting out laughing. The others only looked back on me, most of them- especially Alice look back at me as if I'd gone completely mad.

"Well, maybe I have."

"What?"

I didn't really notice I had said something out loud until Carole asked what it was. And once again I was left standing opening and closing my mouth like a fish again. As the seconds passed by and I couldn't think of anything…

"Nothing."

Smiles had formed on the others' faces. But at my answer Kurt and Mr. Blaine got back to setting the table, Burt poured up water in a jug and took glasses from the cupboard. Alice ran over to Christie with her toy. She grabbed it so Alice could pull. Carole on the other hand, froze at first and then came the few steps over to me and laid a hand on my cheek.

"You do remind me of Finn a bit you know…" She said, so quietly nobody else than me could hear it. "…I can't tell exactly why. But you do… Now come on, let's eat."

Daniel POV

The week went until Thursday until I started realizing that this was probably the most boring week in any glee club in history. Practicing for nationals, having been together all year to get ready for this. And so far nobody had seemed to come up with one single song to do.

Well, at least I had one thing to look forward to this week. On Thursday afternoon my parents were coming home, and as Toledo had been the last of the towns they had visited on their way home. They were going to have Ashleigh with them. Whom I hadn't met since Christmas holidays.

I had been as excited as possible at this point that my parents were coming home in time for graduation. But with that I hadn't been wanting to wait to clean and tidy and done it all week. Which was something I regretted when I paced back and forth in the living room on Thursday afternoon not knowing what on earth to do to make time pass by.

At last I ended up on the lower bunk in the bed in my room, playing video games that I had played a million times before. Everything to keep my mind off what I had known I must say in the moment dad was back at home ever since Madison Heedie had spent one night here for her life's first sleepover.

Here we were more than ten years later.

Flashback

"Well then, how does it feel we are going to have a sleepover at mine tonight?"

Earlier this week Mady Heedie had mentioned how she had never been to an actual sleepover. Well, except for at Burt and Carole's- but apparently, like she said. That wasn't for real. So it had created a discussion in between some of the members there if we shouldn't be able to let her have one. Since she knew all of us and we all knew Benjamin as well.

And then it had been decided that Mady were going to spend her time from Friday until Saturday afternoon. And I knew the past few days had seemed endless to her looking forward to it.

"It feels great. I always, always, always wanted to go to a real sleepover. And all of my friends have but I never did. But now I will. I told them I was getting to have one at yours. At my brother's friend's. And they all thought it was really cool."

"I can imagine." I couldn't help but smile. "But there's no way you're feeling more excited about this than I do. Because I've been looking forward to it. And you know, I'm always alone. My parents are always out travelling somewhere for dad's work."

I hadn't exactly been trying to keep that secret ever. But especially not after everyone found out anyway at sectionals. And of course I wasn't as much alone anymore since Belle stayed overnight every once in a while, once or twice a week. And stayed during the afternoon sometimes, or I'd go to hers. Really, I couldn't look back without wondering how on earth I could stand being alone for all of those months during the fall.

"But if it's for your dad's work they travel. What does your mum work with? Why do she go with him so they leave you alone?"

I would really have liked to stop all the questions about my parents. But at the same time I didn't want to be rude to me. Her questions weren't rude, she was just curious. And with that I tried to think of the best answers possible.

"I don't mind being alone. My mum doesn't really have a job. But my dad works a lot. So when she goes with him she helps him with things like taking phone calls, or booking flight tickets if they need. Or driving when he's too tired. Dad also can't cook- just like me. And mum makes the most amazing dinners so she cooks for him. Just things like that. And I think both mum and dad are happy with the way things are. Here I live." I changed the subject when I turned into my driveway. "Here is the house I grew up in." I changed hands with the bag I had put groceries in. "So what do you want to eat first? Vegetables or marshmallows."

Mady just laughed at my question while I unlocked and opened the door and then, with a big smile on her lips stepped over the threshold before me. I followed and showed her into the kitchen where I handed her one of the bags of marshmallows we had bought and then started putting the rest in the fridge or wherever in the kitchen it was supposed to go.

"We will never have time to eat all of this."

Mady laughed again at what I saw. I just didn't have a chance of telling her no when she wanted something from the store. We had pizza and several bags of marshmallows and drinks of soda, then more candy and burgers and food portions of the kind that had been frozen and could ust be put in the microwave to heat it up and cook it.

And then God knows what more.

"Seth told me that in Swedish. When someone shows you around the house…" Mady started while she chewed on a marshmallow and I threw away the bag. "…It means that you're going a house-sight."

This time it was my turn to laugh. Well, other languages and their expressions. Few times we had had as much fun this year as when Seth Anderson- Philips had taught us about Swedish words and expressions.

"Well, come here then. Follow me and we'll go for a house-sight. Right here next to the kitchen is my dad's office…"

I showed her through the house, the living room, the downstairs bathroom, up the stairs, mum and dad's bedroom and the upstairs bathroom.

"And here is another bedroom." On the other side of the hallway from the door to my parents' room was the door to what had once been my sister's room. "And there is the upstairs bathroom. And then at last. Here is my room."

I opened the door to the room furthest down the hallway and Mady walked in. For a few seconds I couldn't get in as Mady stood in the doorway and looked around. Then she walked in and her eyes was still taking in every little piece of it while she once again stuck her hand down the bag of marshmallows in the other hand.

"You have your own TV in your room? Whoa!"

I was on my way to answer something about that my dad worked with things like TV, game consoles, phones… Since he worked for Apple and had the job he had I always got to try things that were new. Then sometimes got to keep them…

Then decided it was too complicated for Mady and closed my mouth while I showed her to put her bag on the desk chair and come sit down on the lower bunk of my bed.

"Now. As you can see here is a bunk bed. A bed on top. And then down under there's a couch that can be made into a bed. We can sleep here tonight, or on each couch in the living room. Can you decide? And then, if you choose here. You can sleep either here or up there." I pointed upwards towards the top bunk.

Mady didn't even hesitate. I would have bet on anything that another dream of hers was to sleep in the top bunk of a bunk bed.

"Will you help me to get up and down?"

"Yes of course."

"Then I want the top."

I forced myself not to laugh, not so sure if she would appreciate laughing at her. But it was just that she was so cute being so fascinated by the things I had taken for granted. I was actually kind of tired of my bunk bed and wouldn't have minded trading it to a regular bed. I had only been about Mady's age now when this was put in here and was tired of climbing up and down every morning and night.

"I need to go to the bathroom." Mady stood up again and wiped the sugar from all the marshmallows off her hands towards her pants. "I can find my way on my own. You can just wait here." I leaned back and started checking a couple of things on my phone while she was out.

Then, after checking everything I needed both twice and three times. I started realizing I hadn't seen Mady for a while. She wasn't sick or anything, was she? She couldn't be. I knew I had heard when she flushed the toilet. But then I hadn't heard more, and I stood up to go and check.

This would be just the perfect time to get sick wouldn't it? After she had looked forward to so much.

"MADY?" I started shouting while I was on my way out the door. "ARE YOU OK… ay."

I was interrupted when I saw Mady. She wasn't in the bathroom, but standing in the doorway to Angelica's room and looking around there too. Well, of course she was curious- maybe I only had myself to blame for why she wanted to know what was there.

"Hey Mady." I sat down on my knees behind her by the doorway. "Penny for your thoughts. What are you thinking?"

"Who's room is this?"

I looked around the room, it had barely been touched for the last twelve years, I sneezed at all the dust and I could hear Mady's breaths starting to wheeze after she took a few steps into the room. The untouched sheets, flower patterned in black, white, green and purple. The Ikea Kallax shelf of the biggest size filled with books, movies and stuffed animals. The favorite stuffed animal at the head of the bed, in form of a beige colored, soft rabbit.

The dresser's drawers were closed but I knew they were filled with all the closed my sister Angelica had owned. And she still owned every little thing in this room. Now how was I supposed to explain to Mady why nothing of this had been touched for more than a decade?"

"Who's room is it? Don't you ever clean and tidy in here?"

"Oh yes. My dad does it… once a year or so."

"Not more than that? My mum always tells me everything has to be done at least once a week, and I always have to pick up my toys and games and put them in their spot as soon as I'm done with them…" She looked around and coughed. "…but everything seems to be tidy here. Even though really dusty. Who's room is it?"

"Come here." I leaned down and lifted Mady onto my hip. "I'll explain this to you… I just… That room was my sister's. When I and she and my mum and dad first moved here." I stepped out of the room and carefully closed the door to Angelica's room after us.

I had never seen Mady look so thoughtful and wondering as when I put her down on the lower bunk in my bunk bed. She was frowning, yet not asking anything while I pushed my hand through my hair, sat down and sighed while I sat down next to her.

It was just that I was trying to find the right words. But maybe if I waited for long enough Mady would forget all about that room and… no. That wouldn't be like Mady, or any child her age.

"I didn't know you had a sister. What's her name? How old is she? Is she like me?"

"No… I don't talk much about her." I rubbed my hands together nervously, a word wrong and I would be stuck with a thousand questions that I didn't want to answer. "Her name was Angelica and… she died. When she was fourteen."

At the word "died" Mady flinched and her eyes grew wide. I could only guess hearing something about die, or death or something would remind her of when she found out her own dad was dead.

"What happened to her?"

I waited and chose my words yet one more. The wrong answer would make her think about her dad and I didn't want that. Then suddenly a picture popped up in my mind. The glee club. Someone we both knew the shortest and second youngest.

"Do you know that Christie in glee club used to be ill? Really ill? She almost died."

"Yeah. I remember that. But she got a new kidney from a dead person so she lived."

"What my sister died from was the same thing that Christie had. Even though Angelica never got a new kidney… so she died."

"Oh... Has she been dead for long? I'm sorry. I'm not supposed to ask such questions."

"It's fine." I suppressed a sigh. "It's been a long time actually. More than ten years."

Mady silent again and looked around and towards the window. I'd hope she see something else and change the subject. But the deeply concentrated look on her face told me otherwise as she slowly leaned her head to the side and really seemed as if she was about to say something wise.

"But why would you leave the room like that if she hasn't been there for more than ten years? Then you can't use it for anything else. Dead people don't come back. No matter how much you want them to."

I didn't answer to that. What would I have answered? That I knew my sister would never be back? That I knew it didn't matter how much I wanted it. Would I tell her that it was actually my dad who wanted to keep it this way? Why did he? I wasn't so sure.

Maybe it was that as long as he did nothing there. He could just pretend that nothing else had changed neither. And one of these days Angelica would be coming down for breakfast in the kitchen. Happy and talking on both breathing in and breathing out. Laughing at something that was seriously not funny at all.

I couldn't help but smile and at the same time felt a lump rise in my throat when I thought about how she, pale and skinny as a thread. Or sick and in a hospital bed, throwing up or constantly dizzy from her kidneys failing. Yet kept on smiling and laughing and especially laughing at her little brother who was just so clumsy and such a master on making a fool out of himself.

"I wish I could have met her. I'm sure Angelica was a great person."

End of flashback

I was so concentrated in my video games I barely even heard when the door was opened and closed downstairs.

"Hello?"

"Daniel?"

"Anyone home?"

Even though I knew my friend Ashleigh was coming with them as they had picked her up on their way home I was surprised when I heard the third, female sounding voice on the third. With almost a snorting tone in it.

"COMING."

I paused the game, threw the control on my bed and hurried up and down the stairs where mum, dad and Ashleigh were leaving their bags and shoes in the hallway.

"Hey guys."

There were greetings and hugged exchanged once we were all in our small, little hallway. Then at last, even though they weren't quite greeting each other right now dad and Ashleigh hugged tight during laughing.

"It's so nice to meet you again Mr. Vincent."

"You too Miss Michaels."

I would have laughed if I wasn't so tense and nervous about what I knew that if I didn't say it now then I never would. And while mum and dad carried their bags out into the living room where they would unpack. And Ashleigh carried hers up to my room. I only stood and watched them while I could feel my heart beating loud in my chest.

Dad was suddenly on his way towards the basement and the laundry room. While the thought once again hit me that if I didn't say it now I probably never would. And while Ashleigh came back down the stairs I suddenly heard myself starting.

Maybe, maybe not I was actually ready for this.

"Dad?"

"Yep."

"I think there's something we should do."

Dad only looked at me with a raised eyebrow, then frowned when he saw the distressed look on my face.

"What is it son? What have you done? What happened?"

"I didn't do anything and nothing happened. Well, the little sister of one of the glee club members wanted to go to a sleepover only for one night. And I let her stay here… She was going to the bathroom, I was in my room and then all of a sudden she was standing in the doorway to Angelica's room and started asking all of these questions… And one thing she asked was that… why do we keep her room like that?"

Dad didn't answer, I had to make a pause. For a moment the whole world seemed to have gone all silent and still as both dad, mum and Ashleigh had frozen in their tracks and were turned towards me for continuing. I didn't exactly have a choice- I'd have to explain it sooner or later.

"You know. We aren't going to live here forever. I'm leaving high school this year and things are changing. What if we made some sort of memory spot for Angelica, on a shelf or something. With that stuffed rabbit and a candle and a photo. Some things like that…"

Dad always kind of froze when Angelica was mentioned.

This time wasn't any different. He was standing with a few shirts he had picked up from his bag and had frozen on his way to the bathroom and the laundry bag. Even his facial expression had now frozen, and with that both Ashleigh and mum too.

"I'm actually with Daniel on this." Ashleigh at last cut through the silence. "You're right. But I know I'm not really a part of this family so maybe I should just stay quiet. But he is right. If you move somewhere, a memory spot you could move with you. The room you can't. And nothing will get easier if you wait until that moment."

I was grateful finally someone had said anything. But dad was still frozen where he stood. But something had changed in his expression, and he wasn't as tense as before when he dropped the shirts back in his bag and with heavy steps passed over the living room floor and up the stairs.

"Stephen?"

"Come with me." Dad didn't wait to let mum say whatever she had been thinking about. "All of you, you too Ash." I and Ashleigh looked to each other for a split second, then followed dad and mum until we found ourselves standing in Angelica's room, silently looking around for minutes, half an hour… I didn't know how long.

Then at last dad was the one taking a few steps forward, lifted the stuffed, soft rabbit from Angelica's pillow, pressed it to his face and breathed in to smell it. Before he pulled it away, stroke the soft fabric again and held it to his chest while the rest of us could only wait to hear what he thought.

"I guess you're right… It's time to make a change."

Jasper POV

On Friday, the first week we were practicing for nationals there had still only been not one single song done during the whole week. I had looked up some different ones, but none of them felt quite right. And I doubted that anyone else had anything neither.

"Mum? Dad?"

Well, I could at least say I was quite surprised when I suddenly met my parents in the middle of the hallway that everybody were making their way through at once to get home for the weekend.

"What are you doing here?"

"We're actually not so sure." Dad scratched his hair in confusion. "Bennett called us and told us to be here at this time. And here are Mr. And Mrs. Fredericks too so it seemed like he and Evie are planning something."

"It wouldn't surprise me if it's Bennett only who's planning something… Actually I'm pretty sure that's the way it is. Because here comes Evie and she looks about as confused as you do Jasper."

"Mum? Dad? Edward? Karen? What are you all doing here?"

"I asked them to be here."

Bennett with his triplet brother and sister, along with their little brother was then suddenly there and I was more confused than ever. Why did Bennett obviously want all of our families here?

"If you're about to hurt my sister with something I'll kill you. Okay?"

"Why would I call everybody to watch when I hurt her? That would better be done in private. If that was what I was about to do. Which it isn't. And there are a lot of people here, we're at the most crowded part of the school at the most busy time of day at the most busy time of the week. But I wanted you all to be here for something. If you can just stand back and watch…" Bennett took a few steps from all his siblings and walked over to my sister. "Do you remember that this is where we met?"

Bennett gestured around him, Evie looked around until she suddenly gave a short, nervous laughter and nodded- she remembered well and however it had happened she found it very funny.

"Well. We must have seen each other before since we're in this school in this small town. But I never really noticed you."

"Never noticed me? Is that why you ran me over on your skateboard?"

"What have I told you about reminding me of that?"

Bennett let hear a laugh. But I knew he felt embarrassed as never before any time it was mentioned how he had looked away from his tracks for only a second and then rolled on that skateboard straight into Evie and fell right over her.

"Well. As much as I felt embarrassed about that… If it lead to meeting you every time. I would do it a million times over and over. And if I say it like this- that time might have been the first time I really saw you. But since then I just can't stop."

I was starting to get an idea of what Bennett was doing. But he wouldn't? Would he? Not here, and not after only knowing each other for less than a year?

"You know these machines at supermarkets? You put a coin into them and get a gumball or a plastic ball that you open and find a little toy or something. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about? The other day I was walking into a store and I saw one of those. That had a little blue ball in it with a small ring with a pink plastic stone in it. And it took me exactly fifty three coins and tries with that machine to get it and people were looking weirdly at me after three. And now I have a lot of plastic rings and earrings and everything else there are in those machines. But only one that meant something- a blue ball with a plastic ring with a pink stone."

Something in me wanted to run over and push him away from Evie. Then hold her tight and make sure neither Bennett nor anyone else would ever be at chance of hurting her. Because seeing her smiling in the way she did- if someone destroyed and changed that I could have killed them right on spot.

Then of course I was frozen where I stood. There were people all around, pushing their way through the crowded hallway. On one side behind me stood mum and dad, the other stood Karen and Edward Fredericks. And right next to me Haiden and Alex Fredericks- Bennett's triplet siblings.

And all of us was watching the oldest of those triplets stick his hand down his pocket and pulled up just the same ball that came from one of those machines at a supermarket. Half blue, half transparent. In it was something I couldn't see- but it didn't matter, I already knew. He had actually told all of us.

It was confirmed when I saw him open the small, plastic ball and pull out the small plastic ring with a pink fake-stone.

No. Now there wasn't a doubt of what he was doing. Even though people weren't noticing and were still hurrying and pushing their way past us while Bennett continued.

"I don't care if it happens now, or in a week, or in a year or ten or a hundred. But… this is the moment I wanted both of our families here for because I want them to know what's going on and I want them to see it…" People were also starting to gather all around to watch whatever it was they saw. "…And I- Bennett Edward Fredericks wants to know if you, Evie Ellie Birch. Would someday… maybe, possibly…" He changed his position and people turned to stare when he sunk down onto one knee holding the small ring up towards Evie. "…could imagine you'd want to marry me?"

I forgot about my own reaction when I saw Evie burying her face in her hands, crying silently but in the way that made her whole body shake. I would kill that Bennett Fredericks.

"No Jazz." Mum held me back when I, without even noticing it took a step forward. "Give them another minute to themselves."

As much as to themselves they could be when there were people all around who had stopped to stare noticing one guy was about to propose.

And for the moment that very guy looked heartbroken and his hand, still holding onto that plastic ring fell down towards his side while Evie fell to her knees, still with her hands covering her face right in front of him.

"Hey." Bennett reached out and rubbed her shoulder. "It's okay. We don't have to do this, you don't have to say yes. We haven't known each other for a year we should go on and I'll just put this back into my pock…"

"No, no, no."

Evie, with tears streaming down her cheeks lowered her hands and quickly reached out to Bennett's hand before he had put the ring down his pocket again.

"What do you mean no?"

"No?"

"Is that the answer to my question? Then I hope we can go on from where we are and maybe someday…"

"No, nonono. No."

"Oh…" An even more heartbroken look turned on. "Eves. Maybe we should go somewhere more private and talk."

"No."

"No what?"

"No, the answer to your question- yes."

"Yes?"

"Yes. That's the answer to your question. Yes, I could someday… maybe, possibly imagine I'd want to marry you. I want to marry you. I want to be married, with you. Every day. These are tears of joy. I'm so happy- yes, yes, yes."

"Yes."

"YES YOU IDIOT. YES."

I had seen Evie cry loads of times. Crouching, hyperventilating, panicking and screaming. With another panic attack or a breakdown. Something that made her panic. People who treated her terribly or things changing. Things changing were so scary.

Although, I had seen her cry for many reasons and feeling. Fear, sorrow, anger, because of those soldier homecoming surprise videos all over YouTube. Never, not once before now I had seen her cry with joy.

"Now then." Bennett held the ring in one hand and took Evie's hand in the other and tried to put it on her finger. "This is a children's ring and I think it's too little for your ring finger." Evie laughed as he tried to get the ring onto her ring finger again. "And I think all of your fingers need the blood circulation and your ring finger is too big for that. How about if we try this then... Oh yes, it does fit on your pinky finger. Just like that…"

Evie laughed while she held up her hand in front of her. Bennett on the other hand still seemed distressed the ring couldn't have been put on her ring finger.

"I just want to wear this forever- every day for the rest of my life. It's perfect."

"It's crap. And it's going to be broken before the weekend's over."

"Then I want one that looks exactly the same as this… and that's also big enough for my ring finger."

"Sounds like a deal."

Bennett looked as if he was about to say something more. He didn't get the time before my sister laid her hand on his cheek and leaned forward to kiss him. I barely even noticed the big smile that had formed on my lips while we, and everybody else in the whole hallway were clapping our hands.

"I guess my sister and your brother are engaged then."

Bradon nodded at me, but I highly doubted this meant as much to him, Haiden and Alex as much as it did too me. After so much time, after what felt like a million years and so many tears- my sister was finally happy when she looked down slightly after she and Bennett finally broke away from each other and seemed to think about something important.

"Do you think we should get up from the floor now?"

Flashback

"How are you liking that new laptop?"

I flinched, I had been so concentrated on learning how my new laptop worked to hear anyone coming home or up the stairs and was startled when suddenly Evie was in the doorway. And Bertie flew up from his place by the window and ran over to her.

"Sorry. I didn't mean to make you jump."

"It's fine." I pushed away the laptop and put it on my bedside table so she could sit down next to me on the bed. "I thought you were going to Bennett's today."

"I was there. I just came home." Evie was rubbing her hands together as if she was nervous about something and I couldn't help but frown. "It's fine. It's fine." She seemed to almost read my thoughts. "But there's something I need to tell you."

"What's up?" I reached out and took her hand, knowing a move like that could calm her down in the worst of moments. "You can tell me anything you know. Did you do something wrong and have to tell mum and dad about it? Because mum and dad have been so angry with me since… well, you know. I don't think what you do is going to matter."

"Will you shut up and let me talk?"

"Yeah. Sorry."

Evie didn't start talking right away when I silent. But at least she was smiling so whatever it was it couldn't be about something bad.

"Look. I didn't want to tell you sooner. At least not until I knew if I was going or not. But you know Bennett is going to a college in Toledo next year? Or well. From August this year."

I tried to say I knew, then hesitated, pretended to zip my lips together and only nodded. Evie laughed shortly.

And was there any other sound I loved as much as hearing my sister laugh? Even if it was ever so short? It did sound different from what it had before. And I couldn't help but laugh myself before Evie continued, still slowly. We had all the time in the world.

"In Toledo, close to the college they have a high school with opportunities to study of course all regular subjects like English and Math. But also with different subjects focusing or art or such things. And as you know, I do like Bennett a lot. And I was very… upset when I suddenly realized how close August was. But then he showed me this school. He kept telling me I didn't have to if I didn't want to. But I wanted to at least tryout. And that was why I went with Bennett and mum to travel in January. Do you remember?" I nodded again. "For tryouts it was of course dancing, but then when we got home afterwards and during the spring there were more to do. Grades that had to be kept up and letters that had to be written about what our lives had been so far. I was pretty stressed out and that was why I had so many panic attacks during a while. Like the one I had the night before regionals. And well, I just heard from them- after all of those grades and dancing videos that had to be sent and everything. I got in."

"And you kept this secret?" This time I almost couldn't help myself. "That's awesome Evie. You and Bennett and Toledo and… wait… Toledo?"

"Toledo!"

For several minutes, it might or might not have been twenty or half an hour. None of us said anything. I found myself waiting for a loud scream like so many before to ring through the silence. But it never did and my sister was as silent as a rock.

My sister- it had always been so obvious that she was here. And here she'd be until the end of time, whenever that would be. She would be the same, and I had been so into that thought I didn't realize until today I couldn't remember she had had a single one of those panic attacks since the day regionals. And before that I couldn't even remember…

"Is this what you want to do?"

At last that was the only thing I could think of to say. The only thing that really did matter.

"It is."

"Then I think it is what you should do."

Evie silent, but still didn't move from where she sat and I understood she had more to say. Therefore I decided to just sit still and quiet ad wait. Instead of trying to say something in comfort.

"Honestly… I am scared half to death. I feel like panicking, I feel like crying and screaming. Then I feel more like tying myself to the flag pole outside or something like that. Then never letting go. Only to make sure I stay here… But then I'd have to tie Bennett in the same spot because I don't want him to go to Toledo without me. And I want to be with him more than anything else."

Evie paused and bit her lip in distress searching for the right words. Then she snorted slightly and smiled while she continued.

"Can't you see it in front of you. Me having tied myself and Bennett to the flag pole?" Evie laughed, and then I couldn't help but do the same. "No… But the thing is. Of course, Lima is where I was born and grew up. It's a safe place and I always kind of thought this is where I'd stay forever. Now I'm going. And it feels great. I know it feels great. Yet I'm afraid. If I go, if it's suddenly not right. If everything gets worse and I and Ben just keep fighting all the time…"

"Well then…" This time I couldn't help myself to interrupt. "Then you can come back here. I and mum and dad will still be here. No matter what happens."

The answer seemed to comfort Evie. Her smile grew a bit bigger while she looked down on Bertie who stood by my bed and scratched behind his ears while he growled in well- being.

"It is scary Jazz…" Evie was still smiling, but there was a sad shade in her eyes- even though it wasn't quite as clear as it had been so many times before. "…It's like. I have been this person for so very long. And now I'm changing- everything is changing. And I don't know where I'm going to be. I don't even know who I'm going to be."

I was on my way to say something. Then suddenly the lyrics of a song turned up from what Evie had just said and I nodded without a word. Then took up my laptop again and searched for an instrumental on YouTube.

"I'll sing something to you instead of say it. There is a song I've been wanting to do this whole year. And I'm not sure it's absolutely right for this week- the theme is believe in yourself. But the song is about… life going on even though it changes. And I think Evie… that you should believe in yourself. And I know who you're going to be." I tried to ignore how silly this would fun. "You're going to be Evie Ellie Birch. My sister and mum and dad's daughter. And I also know that you're the best, the strongest, the most talented. And the… I don't know how to continue."

"But I do. I know that I am Evie Ellie Birch. And I know that you, as nothing more than a child yourself had too much responsibility to take because of what happened to me. And you didn't even get anything for it."

"What do you mean? Do you mean I should have gotten paid somehow?"

"No. I just mean that nobody ever thanked you. I should have thanked mum and dad and everybody else too but especially you. Nobody ever said thank you or I'm sorry. But thank you for being there. And I'm sorry for everything. Especially for regionals. I knew how much it meant to you us being there and it was my fault we weren't"

"That's okay." I found the song I was looking for. "You couldn't help it. Here's the song and I'm going to sing it to you. Because I can actually sing better than I can talk. And I know you and I know you like this song."

"Well. If you're just going to keep on being like this. I hope you can still accept my apology. I really am sorry. But of course, we've got the rest of our lives ahead of us. And I have a feeling they're going to be great. It's not quite to start with since it's a few months away. But to make it up for regionals. I promise we'll be there for nationals. And I will be cheering for you louder than anybody else."

End of flashback

"Oh." Bennett looked down on his knees towards the floor as if he hadn't noticed until now it was hard and dusty. "Get up from the floor you say? Yeah, that might be a good idea. I don't think my mum's going to be very happy when she sees these…"

"Same here."

Getting onto their feet while the crowd started moving all around Evie and Bennett looked down on their knees and dust rests on both of their pants. I heard both my mum and Karen laughing next to me- dust on clothes was probably the last thing on their minds right now.

"Congratulations honey." Mum did for sure even look towards the dust when she hugged Evie tight. "I'm so happy for you."

"You break her heart…" I tried to seem as threatening I possibly could facing Bennett. "…I'll kill you."

"Jasper!" Evie wasn't happy with it. "Let it go. I can take care of myself. Don't listen to him Ben."

"Sounds like a deal." Bennett reached out his hand, I didn't take it. "I'll do my best…"

Everybody, as in my family and the Fredericks' were glaring at me. I just glared back, but tried to ignore how my cheeks were heating as I turned bright red. I just wanted to look out for my sister and not let it go for anything.

"Now isn't the time Jazz." Mum told me. "Bennett… you seemed like you wanted to say something more to all of us."

"Yeah. I was thinking a celebration if Evie said yes. So I booked a table for a meal. Wich obviously isn't the best idea on a Friday evening booking in the last minute. I was trying to book a table at Breadsticks for all of us right away now. But I was too late and obviously that too is quite crowded on Friday afternoons. But I have tickets, but they're first at half past seven tonight. So why don't you all go do whatever you want and we'll all meet on Breadsticks at twenty minutes past seven tonight? Okay?"

There were a bunch of okay's, congratulations and hugging. I stood at the side and wished I could forget about what I had said. I should have known what mum said- this wasn't the right time. And when I looked up and hugged and congratulated my sister it was with a forced smile. That was becoming more and more real by the second.

"You know this means…" Evie started as all of us started walking down the hallway. "You're never ever getting rid of me don't you? We'll be living together you know. And I swear if I wouldn't have found that high school in Toledo. I would have crawled into your bag when you left to make sure I was going with you even if you didn't want me to."

Bennett laughed shortly and laid his arm around Evie's shoulders. Then kissed the top of her hair still smiling before he answered. I couldn't help but be ready that he was going to say the absolute wrong thing.

Well, he didn't. He said the right think, of course.

"Well I do want you with me. Otherwise I wouldn't have spent hours to even find the info about that school. Then was super nervous about telling you about it because I was so afraid you'd panic or something. That I'd make things worse for you… After all… I wanted to bring you with me to live in Toledo more than I've ever wanted anything else."

Then of course, Bennett and Evie couldn't get through a talk like that without Alex wanting to interfere with it. There was a reason I had freaked out about my sister dating Bennett when I thought he was Alex.

"Sure, you need to bring her with you when you're studying. It will be complicated- becoming a professional drug dealer."

I couldn't help but raise an eyebrow and freeze where I stood. I knew Alex and his ways of commenting on everything and everyone by now. But still, even though glee club was starting to becoming late for glee club I had to stop while Bennett stopped to explain his triplet brother's stupid comment.

"I'm studying pharmacy. And Alex is so very amused by me studying to, as he calls it- a professional drug dealer. But I promise you, it's not that simple, that is not what I'll be. What I'm working on will be a whole lot safer than what people will buy out on the street. And I also promise you…" He glanced from me, to mum and dad and at last to Evie. "I won't ever try anything I make on anyone I know, not even this one."

Alex rolled his eyes when Bennett and Evie kissed and kept on making disgusted noises despite his sister's light, jokingly slap towards his hair. I couldn't help but to roll my eyes at him, then turned.

"I have glee club now. I'll see you guys later."

Raising my hand slightly towards the others, then turned as Bradon came up next to me, shaking his head- probably at his older brothers who kept teasing each other making silly grimaces. Then entered the choir room where everyone turned towards us with all sorts of grins and smiles towards us. Including Mr. Blaine and all the members of the band.

"I think you and I are today's celebrities in this room."

"Yep…" I agreed with Bradon. "But come on guys. It's glee club. And we've only got a week and a half more to practice for nationals. We're already at the last day of the first week for that and nobody's done anything."

I wasn't very surprised when people were still weirdly smiling and smirking at me. Well… I suppose a proposal in the middle of a high school hallway was something that would cause reaction. Even to the family members- as in me and Bradon.

"Well, Jasper Finley Birch. Your sister was proposed to in the middle of a crowded hallway. How does it feel for little brother?"

I smirked at Mr. Blaine while I leaned down and took some sheet music out of my bag. For the first time in ages it didn't feel annoying that yet again I was talked about as Evie's little brother. After all that was one of the few things I was going to be my whole life. And there was no way I could love it more than I did in the moment when I held up the papers.

"I've got a song to preform that I think would suit nationals."

"FINALLY." Mr. Blaine shouted, I couldn't blame him after all the time we had spent in here this week without anyone coming up with anything. "The Birch- siblings seem to have something today. You go on Jasper. Show us what you've got."

"I was thinking that… Nine months is still only the nine months that we have been together. And of course, I have loved every single second of it. But now it's about to change. They're about to change here and they're about to change at home. But somehow I think it's going to end up great anyway. And that was why I thought that this song would suit."

I handed the sheet music to Kayla who put them in front of her and placed her fingers on the piano keys. I turned back to my friends of Finn's army and drew a deep breath while she played the first few notes.

The last split second before I started singing I suddenly forgot all the lyrics.

Then the line was there, and the words just slipped out automatically one after the other. And maybe that was the very first time I actually heard what I was singing about after listening to the song a million times.

My song was about things changing, just for the guy who won the Swedish idol- competition and got to make it into his own song. But of course, neither could he, nor could I tell how my life was going to change from now on.

Things were changing all around, way too fast and there was no way to slow it down.

And I realized I was just as afraid of everything changing as Evie seemed.

To start of this theme, Blaine feels terrible even though he got into the school he wanted. Because going there means leaving Lima and McKinley and the glee club will be over. Where no one will even speak to him. But he hasn't actually got a choice on anything. They are going to nationals, and to make sure Blaine doesn't come running back Mr. Michaels has made sure with all the staff they won't be giving him a new job next year.

Charlotte's POV. Liam and Kirsten are leaving the Amatos' house while Frances have moved back to live with her dad and sister. The sisters aren't going to miss her. Seth and Charlotte are spending time together but doesn't seem to be getting any further than they were before. And her flashback is set when she had a short solo on regionals and was nervous to death but ended up doing it perfectly.

Benjamin's POV, at the beginning of the story Benjamin took some ADHD- meds called Ritalin and was on the football team. And Dakota joined the cheerios. But then you heard nothing more about that so I decided to do it that Benjamin barely went to any practices, and Dakota quit to make room for the glee club. Plus the fact that he quit the medicines in the beginning of February. I hope it worked. Then he's meeting Carole- and finally answering yes when she wonders if he wants to come in for dinner. Well, almost.

Daniel is of course still heartbroken after his sister died of the same thing that Christie almost died from earlier this year. He always will be, and so will his parents (Daniel and Angelica has not got the same mum but she hasn't got any part of this story so I'll just leave it there) but at least the parents are now home for a bit. As well as their good friend Ashleigh. And yeah… maybe it is time to make a change. Even though Mady at that sleepover was the one who actually started questioning why they kept the room like that as if she'd come back.

Jasper's pov is kind of as usual more about Evie than Jasper himself. Bennett- Bradon's older brother proposed to Evie and asked her to marry him. They're going to Toledo to live next year and Evie is fighting her years-long depression. Looking both what has happened before and how it affected Jasper, and ahead and both fearing and looking forward to what's coming next. She tried to say she's sorry, Jasper keeps on saying it's fine. He's kind of fine with Bennett, but of course- being the protective brother he is he can't just let it go. And at last he does the song in glee club that the title of this chapter came from.

Playlist
(Charlotte's flashback) Heroes- Måns Zelmerlöw (the 2016 version. Regionals)
(Regional song with Sharon and Lea-Marie's solos) We got the power- Loren
(Jasper's flashback) Believe- Cher (Theme, believe in yourself. Chapter, don't say you're sorry)
(Jasper) Everything changes- Markus Fagervall

If you want to read the story about how Carole found Alice. It is in the first chapter- A for Alice in the story, Barole A to Z.

I'm not familiar with how it works in America. How the letters from the colleges and universities are sent out and when they are. I know here they are through email and in June/ July. But in this story, I decided to do it the way I did to suit the storylines. So I hope you all like it as much as I do because I know I am very happy with the way it was written.

It might seem weird to you that Benjamin thinks he's hungry for the first time since he started taking meds for his ADHD. But actually, since I have ADHD too I was taking the same meds as he did. And I quit and at lunch that day I really felt that I was hungry for the first time in ages and asked my friends like. "Do you get what an amazing feeling it is, to feel hungry?"

One thing that you might have noticed if you're good at remembering names- Stephen is the name for both Daniel and Christie's dads. How did this happen? Well, sometimes when I chose celebrity- look- alike's for family members or so. As they wouldn't have a big part I just gave the character the same name as the cla. And I knew that Stephen Root was going to be the cla for either of them (he ended up being for Daniel's dad) but since I couldn't make up my mind at first I had called Carole's brother Stephen in the first chapter and then all of a sudden there were two dads named Stephen.

Flying is safer than riding a car. Of course it's true- I get that every time someone knows I'm afraid of flying. It gets annoying about the millionth time they tell you.

Random fact

That Mr. Campbell tells Blaine he's not welcome back to make sure he stays on his education- wow. I get so many ideas from other series and books and everywhere. Do I have any ideas of my own? Anyway, in the favorite book I've mentioned before. There is a woman at a soccer team, when she started it- her old coach told her just that. You're not welcome back here. Because he knew that if she was she would be hesitating and maybe do come back. I was thinking it would be a good line to use.

The ones who review will get each shoutout.