When I went downstairs, what I feared the most had just happened. I heard the car's sound and she just went away.
I sat on the floor, not crying, not making sounds. Just staring at the door. I swallowed dry and Jimmy lied his body next to my left leg. I stroked him. I didn't know what to think and what my next steps would be. I wasn't sure of anything right now. I never know how to stand in front of a fight. I closed my eyes and rested my whole body on the floor. Jimmy tried to lick my face but I stopped him.
I started to recap the whole conversation. Those flashbacks were just painful. The looks in her eyes, the silent tears, her voice… I just felt like she was angry she was the reason I was here.
Maybe she just doesn't want it. Or she wants to break up and this moment was just the perfect argument. I rolled myself on the floor. This made me think of the beginning of our relationship. To be honest I always come back to where we started. But right now, with all of this going on, I saw my past through different eyes.
I was the one to fall in love with her. I kind of pushed her since the beginning. She was the one who said to take things easy. I didn't, really. But so didn't she. Maybe we just made everything wrong, we just… Rushed.
My throat suddenly felt like suffocating and it was just a symptom of a cry. I squeezed my eyes a little tighter, preventing the tear drops.
I was guilty.
I loved her but maybe she didn't love me the way I do.
I was the one who said "I love you".
We moved in. And there was Jim.
And I felt happy because I felt like we had a family.
I even thought she would propose me.
She didn't.
Again, I rushed.
I just created the whole situation on my head. By this time I was crying.
I grabbed the phone. No calls, no messages.
She wouldn't take too long to come back home because she only had her purse and a car. Maybe a little money but no clothes.
She wouldn't spend the night without me. Would she?
Suddenly my head started spinning. I scared her. I pressured her. Oh, fuck.
"Should I call her, Jimmy? Maybe she doesn't want to see me. Or hear me." – My voice had no enthusiasm.
Jimmy just moaned. It was like he could understand me.
"She hates me."
A few hours passed and it was dark outside. No sign of her.
I had to call her, wanting or not she had to answer me.
"Please, please, answer." – I spoke to myself as I walked around the living room.
After a few attempts, she finally answered.
"I'm heading home." – Her voice was normal, a little less loving but still normal.
"Hey, no, no. Where are you?"
"I needed to leave. In five minutes I'm at the front door."
"No, no, don't." – And she hung off.
I covered my face with my hands and took a deep breath.
"Five minutes. Hear that, Jim?" – I sat on the bench with no apparent emotions. But inside my body was just burning and I had the most terrible headache. I just ignored.
I heard the keys and then saw her. Still the same but with dark circles. I mean, darker circles.
She looked at me, ignoring Jimmy. It wasn't Jim's day. It wasn't ours, also. Cursed be the time we started talking about the job offers.
She sat in front of me.
"I'm sorry I left. I just break down in these situations."
I didn't say anything.
So didn't she.
Someone had to break the silence. I was the one.
"You were out for hours."
"I had to think."
"You could've called."
"I didn't know what to say."
Silence again.
"Is this all really about the New York thing?" – I asked nervously.
"What do you mean?" – She looked up, playing with her own fingers.
"You want me to go to New York. You don't want me here? Is that it?" – I went straight to the point.
"How come you're thinking of this possibility? No, you got it wrong!"
"You want me to go."
"Because that's the best for you. If you don't, Julia, it'll only destroy your life. You're gonna be stuck in here."
"You say that like it's a bad thing, like there's no hope."
"There isn't. I'm just saying that this is the best for you."
"It isn't the best for us."
"Can you please stop thinking of me for a second? This is your future going on here. I have my job. You're going away next month and you haven't even decided where you're going to."
"I have. I'm staying!"
"You're staying because of me!" – We where screaming at each other again.
"Because that's the right thing to do. I cant go and leave you here. You act like you don't love me!"
"This is not a question about love. I don't want to be the reason why you're staying!" – She started lowering her voice just a little.
"This is absurd. We're together! This, what we have, is a relationship!" – I gesticulated. – " And I'm making my decision."
"I suffer from seeing you sad around here just because of me. This is not what I want for a relationship. This is not you and this is not me. We're so wrong!"
The first sentence just broke my heart. I felt so selfish. But I didn't know what to do. I was just around her. And if that wasn't enough, well, then I don't know how to proceed.
I looked down. We were away from each other. It felt like a whole town was separating us. Still, we were at the same house, only a room separating us.
"And if I go we're gonna be apart." – I didn't scream anymore. I just… Spoke. – "You're gonna be here and I'm gonna be there."
"And you'll find someone else. You'll move on." – Renata almost whispered. Her face was just devastated. She didn't make eye contact.
"You'll find someone else." – I repeated, but directing the words to her. – "You'll move on."
"We will."
I let a silent tear fall down with no protest.
"I love you."
She didn't say anything, just stayed at the same position.
"I cant believe you're doing this to us. I thought you loved me back." – I came towards her, she didn't protest too. I took her arms, uncrossing them.
"I love you. But this is your time. Not mine. We can't be together with all of this going on. You understand me when I say that… that I can't be the reason why you're staying? Cause it's wrong. And I'll feel bad for the rest of my life. It would never work out. We're just not meant to be. I'm…" – Her words just broke me all inside. I felt her breath. She was still looking down. Her hair was falling on her shoulders perfectly. She was more beautiful than ever. Maybe it's because I was already missing her. Us. Acceptance was a hard thing. Maybe she was right.
"Sorry." – I completed her sentence. She looked at me and we were both crying. She crossed her arms again and I didn't make any move. We touched our foreheads. – "Kiss me goodbye." – It was a whisper. I was too weak to speak.
Her right hand held my head from behind, making me come closer. Her other hesitated a little, but touched my hip lightly, one finger at time. It gave me a wave of electricity.
Our noses touched and we were only millimeters of distance. I was staring at her lips, then at her eyes. So was she. Until our lips touched. I cried harder when I felt her warm lips against mine. It was supposed to be a beautiful thing. But it was just painful.
Our kiss intensified. But only for a minute.
"I'm gonna get my stuff. Anything I'll be at Jazmin's."
Her eyes were sad. I last looked at her before going upstairs for the last time.
