A/N: Ok, so I have some bad news! Due to my writing time going to an original project, I have caught up to myself on this story. Insert terrified emoji here I like to pride myself on having several chapters lead on what I am posting. Unfortunately life has been cock-blocking the writing for a while and now I have a YA project I have been writing instead b/c it pleases my sister (the one who had something really awful happen a few months back) as I figure whatever I can do to make her life better I should obviously do. Anyway, I have half-ish of another chapter beyond this, but I have been mulling over whether I like it. So I think I will get that figured out before next posting and still have a chapter for you. And we have a holiday coming up, which sometimes translates to writing marathons for me. So I apologize ladies and gents! I still got this, I swear.
Fifty-One
Being Alone
That night, before Rosa warded her dreams against both demons and Dreamers, she summoned Tal into the landscape she'd created. It wasn't her usual safe dream of the Brecilian forest. Instead it was a dark place, crafted from memories she wished she could forget. Redcliffe castle, shattered into gray stone chunks with the dour green light of the Fade peeking through. This was the throne room where, in that dark future Rosa glimpsed, she had to trap her possessed brother and then leave him and the others.
Now she drew Tal's sleeping consciousness into the dream—just as he requested that evening when he promised he would explain what happened in the temple. Her brother materialized in green mist at the far end of the room where a dull orange fire burned beside the gaudy wolf statues near the throne. He wore his Keeper armor, pale against the gray stone. The fire backlit him, hiding his face. As Rosa warded the rest of the dream, Fade-stepping from spot to spot, she saw Tal tilt his head and heard him whistle.
"Some digs," he commented. "Not your usual imagery, asamalin."
"Well," Rosa said, still finishing the wards as Solas had shown her long ago in Val Royeaux, before she closed the breach. It felt like years ago but it was just last winter. "I felt like you should see this place so you can understand why I am so fucking angry with you for talking to Raselan."
She finished the last ward and spun to face him, staring across the throne room. Crossing her arms over her chest, she heaved a long, angry sigh. "Start talking."
Tal flashed a hard grin. "You know, here in the Fade, you still have vallaslin. Did you know that?"
She shrugged. "It was part of me for so long of course I still imagine myself as having it here." She stalked closer to him, up the short staircase leading the throne dais with its super-tacky, grotesque statues. "But when I told you to start talking I meant tell me about what happened at the temple. Don't play games with me."
"I'm not," Tal rejoined. "Just thought you should know that under all the shit that's changed in our lives, you're still Rosa of clan Naseral. Daughter of Halesta." His lips twitched and his eyes narrowed. "Daughter of Ivun or Felassan or whatever name you want to call our father."
Clenching her jaw, Rosa snapped, "Your point? Tell me what happened."
Tal stared hard at her, the smile vanishing. Instead he wore a grim expression and his eyes were heavy with grief. "I summoned babae's soul and spoke with him and he refused to tell me what I needed to know. That's what happened."
"Then it's time to let this go," Rosa said, her shoulders slumping at this news. It was better than she could have hoped for. She let her eyes flutter shut. "Put this behind you, da'isamalin."
"No," Tal said, slashing a hand sideways through the air as though he could bat aside her argument. "I can't do that. Not after what babae let slip."
Rosa wrinkled her nose with distaste. "I don't want to hear it. I don't even believe you actually spoke with lenalin. It was almost certainly the Formless One wearing babae's shape and putting on a show. One that you fell for hook, line, and sinker!"
"If you come with me to the temple alone, I can show you the ritual. I can prove it is babae. One look and you'll know no demon could playact this well." Tal drew closer to her, each step slow and purposeful. He reminded Rosa of a cat advancing on unwary prey. She tensed and resisted the desire to retreat a step backward.
"I am not going back to that temple."
"Not even if our lives depend on it?" Tal asked, frowning. "And not just you and me, but Solas, too. And our clans. And everyone in the Inquisition. All of it. Everyone." He stopped just out of reach of her, staring hard into her eyes. Shadows played over his face, strange shapes cast by the firelight behind him and the Fade peeking through the shattered roof above.
"You're being overdramatic," Rosa muttered. But her heart picked up anyway. Damn it.
She knew she must have given away her pang of dread when Tal smiled, cold and grim. "Some things babae said got me thinking. I had to tell him everything that's happened since…" He broke off, swallowing. Rosa saw his chin wrinkle as he restrained grief. She felt a similar ache in her throat and looked away, trying not to think about the words he left unsaid: since he died.
"Anyway," Tal went on. "I told him the sky was torn apart by Solas' orb and do you know what? It wasn't hearing about the fucking breach that surprised him there." He was silent a moment, doubtless letting Rosa sense the gravity of the implication. "No, it was hearing that we knew Solas and that you and he are lovers. That was more shocking to him than the motherfucking breach."
Rosa swallowed, feeling nauseous. "No. You have to be mistaken. It was the Formless One, manipulating you."
"If this was the Formless One, why in the great beyond would it not tell me what I want to know?" Tal challenged. "No, it was babae. It was him and he told me the demons were manipulating me and that was why he wouldn't answer me." Tal's voice dropped in volume, becoming barely more than a whisper. "But he let slip something else, too. He said Falon'Din's people always worked with Dirthamen's during the summoning of the dead. Because Dirthamen's acolytes possessed his compulsion." He snorted. "Did you ever stop to think about it, asamalin? Why the fuck would Falon'Din's ritual take place in Dirthamen's temple?"
Rosa's body had gone cold with realization. She wrapped her arms around herself and stared off at the gray stone floor and the tired old rug stretching over the throne room. Her stomach cinched with pain as the mounting realization came that Tal was helpless to complete this dark fixation without her. She had tried to help by keeping him safe, but she didn't want to be complicit. She didn't want to see her father in that mirror and wonder if it truly was him. This…it wasn't right. It wasn't natural…
"The acolytes of both Creators had to work together," Tal whispered as he laid a hand on her shoulder and squeezed. "I need your help, asamalin. I know you don't want to give it, but babae is stubborn, even now. He says he and Solas aren't slaves to the Dread Wolf, just his goals. And those goals involve the breach. Creating it." He scowled. "You should have seen it, Rosa. When I asked him what kind of goals start off with a nightmare like the Conclave, he just thought it was funny. All of that death was just…" Tal waved a hand, flippant. "Just nothing." His gaze needled her. "Tell me this doesn't bother you, Inquisitor. You're supposed to be saving Thedas from Corypheus. What if you're actually saving it so the Dread Wolf can do something worse? What if you're actually playing right into his hands?"
It did bother her. That Fen'Harel could have been responsible for the Conclave, and Solas tacitly for following the evil god's orders…it was always a possibility now that they knew Solas served the dark god. This suggested it was fact rather than merely possible. She tried to bury the fear, to hide it from Tal's keen eyes, but she could hear Rogathe's voice chastising her. "This denial is unworthy of you, da'len."
She sucked in a breath and turned away from her brother. "All right, let's say it does bother me. Let's say I do want to know what lenalin knows. But—I am not going to compel him. I can get Solas to tell me."
"Solas can't tell you shit without getting himself killed like babae," Tal snapped. "You know that. And whatever you do, please do not tell him about this. He might tell his master and then we will be the next ones with our heads on the chopping block." Tal moved after her, turning to face her new direction, as though he would walk beside her. "Babae told me we're in danger. But he thinks the more ignorant we are the safer we are. That's nugshit if I ever heard it."
"There's a cost for this sort of thing," Rosa muttered. Shutting her eyes, Rosa reached inside herself and grabbed the Fade. With a little concentration she fed it her memories, creating another Tal from a different time in front of her and her brother. He appeared from green-gray mist, just as the real Tal had, but this one was translucent and incorporeal. It was a reflection of Rosa's memories, devoid of originality and personality. A shade of a nightmare Rosa had had the displeasure of actually living through.
Tal at her side jerked back as though surprised. "What…?"
"This is you," Rosa told him in a dark voice, gesturing to the shadow-Tal. He wore black with a thick robe and a red-black cloud clung to him. A red talisman hung at his chest. The same evil shade of red glowed in his eyes as he stepped obliquely from them, summoning fire into his palm. The other Tal snarled with hate and desperation.
Understanding dawned on Tal's face. "This is the dark future me you saw. The one possessed by the Formless One." He shot her a sidelong glare. "The one you think I will turn into, because I am too foolish to deal with demons without falling prey to them."
"Never discount the chance that all of this is some master plan by the Forbidden Ones. In the dark future you controlled the red lyrium infection," she muttered. "And Raselan had hold of you. You hated Solas and attacked him. I didn't understand why then." She gritted her teeth. "Now I do. You knew then what we have just learned now about him."
"That he's Fen'Harel's slave," Tal agreed, nodding. His eyes were somber as he watched the dark future shadow of himself move, the ominous cloud ever encircling him.
"Yes," Rosa agreed. "Whatever Fen'Harel has planned, the demons oppose him. Lenalin said we were being manipulated by the demons." She nodded, lips pinched. "I think we are, too. They want us to oppose the Dread Wolf with them in some kind of future fight. If the wolf's goals are set against the demons', he might not be as bad as you imagine."
"But the Conclave," Tal insisted, sounding exasperated. "You can't deny that—"
"Everyone can make mistakes." She gestured at the shadow-Tal she conjured for emphasis. "Everyone."
Tal was silent a moment and then said, "You expect me to believe the god of trickery blew up the Conclave on accident?"
Rosa shrugged. "We don't know, do we?"
"Yeah," Tal grumbled. "We don't. But we could if you would just—"
"I won't," she said, shaking her head. "Not without trying to learn the truth from Solas, first." She sighed and rubbed her face with one hand while, with the other, she waved the apparition of the dark Tal away. "Give me some time."
"No," Tal growled. "No, we can't wait on this! We're camped right by the temple now. Why should we wait when the answers we need are right there?"
Rosa whipped her gaze to her brother and glared at him, gripping his bicep as she spoke and giving him a little shake. "Because I won't coerce our father into talking against his will unless I am damn sure I have to do it."
Tal stared into her face, searching her expression. Silence dragged out with just the groan of the Fade in the background and the crackle of the fire in its hearth. Finally he shrugged off her hold and drew a step back, his features hardening. "Then I guess I have wasted both our time."
"No," Rosa said, shaking her head. "Not wasted. Just…give me a little time to find the answers we need another way."
"And if that doesn't get you anywhere?" Tal demanded. "What then?"
Rosa steeled her spine. "It will get me the answers I need."
Tal narrowed his eyes and repeated, "And what if that doesn't work? What if Solas is as tightlipped as ever?"
Rosa huffed. "Then I will go with you to this damned temple again and do what I have to." She shook her head, nose wrinkling with disgust. "But I won't be happy about it."
Tal snorted. "Neither will I. So I hope you figure this out some other way but…" He frowned. "I expect the worst. What if Solas doesn't really know? And he's already said you would have to serve Fen'Harel for him to tell us more." His voice lowered grimly. "Babae warned me that serving him is dangerous. He said that me not serving him kept me safe somewhat." Tal broke off, scoffing. "But he didn't seem too concerned about you serving him."
Rosa shot her brother a withering look. "I'm not serving him."
He lifted a brow. "Does he know that? Do you think that's how Solas reported it?"
"Yes," Rosa growled. "Solas isn't going to go back making pledges in my stead. He honestly sounded like he didn't want either of us serving his master. He just wanted our cooperation with the eluvians."
"Okay," Tal conceded, relaxing in front of her. "So we have a plan."
"Yes," Rosa agreed tightly. "We have a plan."
"Good," her brother said and grinned. "Then I'll wish you luck with Solas." He winked. "I think you'll need it."
She bit back the retort waiting on her tongue and instead asked, "Are you still staying here for the rest of the season? You won't come back with us to Skyhold?"
Tal smirked as he shook his head. "I know the temple is first in your mind right now, asamalin, but did you honestly forget I was just bonded?" He chuckled. "I have to spend some time with my new partner."
Rosa forced herself to smile as she nodded. "Yes, I suppose you're right."
Tal's smile fell and sympathy darkened his eyes. "You're thinking about Solas. I can tell."
She sighed and looked away from him. "When did I get so easy to read?" she grumbled.
"Always have been, to me," Tal told her with a shrug. "But you read me just as well, so it evens out. And…" He smiled softly. "For what it's worth, I think Solas really cares about you, even if I kind of hate him for all the secrets he's been hiding and the whole abandoning you thing and the Fen'Harel slave bit."
"Oh yes," Rosa said in a sarcastically singsong voice. "I know it'll all work out when you put it like that!"
"You bet," Tal said, winking again.
Rosa half-laughed, half-scoffed and then, feeling her eyes grow suddenly hot, she reached out and pulled Tal into an embrace. Tal wrapped his arms around her without any hesitation. They held each other close in companionable silence, listening to the groan from the shattered castle around them. Then, at length, Tal said, "Can you maybe brighten this gloomy shithole up a little?"
Rosa let go of him, laughing, and quickly touched the Fade, summoning out her usual Brecilian forest dream. Tal grinned at her now, painted in milky moonlight streaming through pines. The scent of the forest floor wafted up from the leaf litter and pine needle beds. Ferns glimmered green-white in the moonshine.
"Much better!" Tal sucked in a deep breath, taking in the rich scent. "Now, if you can only bring Nola and Dorian here so we can have a nice three-way that'd be perfect." His eyes twinkled with mischief. "You can watch, just be discreet."
Rosa slapped his shoulder. "There are so many things wrong with that request I don't even know where to start scolding you."
"Let me know when you figure it out," Tal teased. "I'll be here every night, dreaming and waiting to hear you've gotten tired of ribbing on Solas."
"Laugh it up, little brother," Rosa grumbled playfully under her breath. But, inwardly, she feared he was right. "But you'll still be coming to the Winter Palace, right? For the ball?"
"Duh!" Tal made a show of smacking his lips. "You think I'd miss out on the chance to eat the fancy finger foods there? Vivienne likes to brag about Val Royeaux to a little clueless uncultured idiot like me. It's the only thing I can get her to talk about that doesn't make me want to kill her. Anyway, so yeah, I can't wait to try the food if Vivienne is even marginally right about it."
"Varric says they eat snails," Rosa said, grimacing. "I think you're going to be disappointed."
"Could be dog shit for all I care," Tal said, shrugging. "Vivienne says they light food on fire and serve it still flaming. And the cheese is always burnt at the edges to a perfect crisp. And they eat fish eggs as a delicacy and use blood lotus pollen like seasoning at these really outrageous parties when the nobles are bored."
"Now you're just making things up," Rosa said, scowling.
Tal lifted one hand, palm out, solemnly. "On my honor as First to clan Manaria."
"You don't have any honor," Rosa ribbed, snorting.
"Not yet," Tal rejoined, smirking. "But I plan on making some."
Rosa sighed. "How am I going to survive the next few months without you?"
Tal chuckled and had a reply immediately. "Bored. You'll be bored."
They left clan Manaria and Tal with them the day after clearing the temple. The clan planned to move away from the temple but to keep watch on it. A group of Inquisition soldiers stayed to bolster the clan's defenses and help keep watch over the temple for signs of additional red Templar activity. Their group never had determined what drove Corypheus' men to go spelunking into these ruins.
Leaving Tal behind was difficult. Rosa wasn't sure how she managed not to well up with tears but Tal's levity helped, letting her laugh as she embraced him a final time and offered Nola a warm smile. Then they were on the long road south, back to Orlais proper and then Skyhold.
Rosa led the way astride her mare, keeping her mind as occupied as she could to hold at bay the old fear of being thrown. Still, her eyes stayed glued to the mare's ears, looking for any sign she might spook. A few soldiers road ahead of her at the very start of their caravan, so if a pheasant flew out from the bushes or trees alongside the road it'd spook their horses first. She tried to let that thought comfort her, even as she felt guilty for it.
It was around midday when Solas rode up to join her, astride his gelding. The horses matched paces, with the gelding nipping at the mare's lips until she snorted irritably, telling him off. Rosa smirked, watching the animals interact as she pulled out some druffalo jerky rations from her pack and began chewing to soften it. Solas didn't speak for a long time and Rosa refused to break the silence first. She wasn't going to apologize for using the compulsion on him and she wasn't about to act as though nothing was wrong and start grilling him on Fen'Harel's motives. Solas was too clever and would know if she struck up a conversation about his master that it wasn't natural right now. Their row had to be patched first.
Solas passed a wineskin to her. "Care for some wine? The jerky is very salty."
Rosa eyed the wineskin and then Solas beyond it. She had one of her own, filled with wine from clan Manaria. He knew that, but he also knew as she did that the clan's wine was better than the Inquisition's. The wine at Tal's bonding ceremony was better than any they'd have for months at Skyhold. Solas offering it was a small gift, but a gift nonetheless.
Accepting it with an obligatory, perfunctory smile, Rosa took a sip to wet her mouth. Then she handed it back. "Thank you." Better that she be hard to catch for a time, lest she rouse his suspicions.
"Of course," he told her. Then, clearing his throat slightly, he spoke more quietly. "I thought perhaps we might talk."
"If you're here to ask me to apologize, you can get bent," she told him, flatly. She stared straight ahead, watching the mare's ears.
Solas heaved a sigh. "Very well, but perhaps you can at least admit you understand my reaction. I can offer you that much in return."
Rosa scoffed with irritation. "You're angry with me for using the only means I have to extract the truth out of you?"
"Against my will," Solas bit out. "Of all hostile types of magic in the world, past and present, it is compulsions I despise most of all. With the possible and notable exception of Blight magic."
"Yeah?" Rosa retorted, turning her head to glower at him. "Well, the world is a tough place, Solas. Look at me, for example. Of all the hearts in the world you had to break mine and leave me with the Anchor that will someday send me to an early grave."
His anger evaporated and he seemed to cringe back from her. "The answer you extracted, Rosa, was not—"
"Don't bother trying to tell me it wasn't true," Rosa snapped. "I know it was truer than anything else you've told me." She frowned bitterly. "All the promises to stay by my side as long as I would have you when really you can't make that decision, can you?"
"That is not—"
"No?" Rosa interrupted, glaring. Her innards seemed to quake, hot with outrage that he would try to lie to her about his answer. How much of a fool did he think she was? She knew the compulsion forced the truth from one's lips. You could not fool the god of secrets.
"No," Solas growled insistently. "You must understand that when I answered as I did I was thinking of Corypheus and other threats in the near future and that either one of us could perish—"
The lie in his words was like a twisting pinch inside her brain. "Stop lying," she snarled. "I can feel you're lying so don't try to tell me you're not."
Solas was silent a moment, brooding. Then: "Very well. The truth." She heard him swallow and shot a sidelong glare at him, watching. "The truth is that I answered as I did because I do not expect to survive long enough that we might have a future together."
This time there was no feeling of a lie. Rosa turned her head, looking at him directly now, eyes narrowed. It seemed their fight over compulsion magic and his awkward answer to her question segued perfectly into her need to uncover the Dread Wolf's long-term plans. It was as fortuitous as it was gut wrenching. "Is this Corypheus you expect to kill you, or…something else?"
Solas' lips twitched. "The latter."
"So your master will sacrifice you?" Rosa asked, flat and calm.
"No," Solas said, dropping his chin to stare down at his hands where they clasped the reins. "I will sacrifice myself. For the People."
Now Rosa's heart seemed to be squeezed in some giant's icy fist. "Is this for certain?"
"No," Solas admitted, not meeting her gaze. "That is why my answer was as it was. There are many unknowns." Now he turned and met her eye. His expression was somber and grave. "I am, however, still committed to my promise to remain at your side."
Lowering her voice, Rosa said, "Tell me what he's planning. I might be able to help."
Solas' brow furrowed. After a moment's hesitation he shook his head. "You know I cannot."
"Why not?" Rosa pressed, tugging on her mare's reins. The horse snorted and drifted closer to Solas' mount until the respective riders' knees touched. "I'm ass-deep in this mess already, Solas." Lifting her left hand for emphasis, she wiggled the fingers and watched as Solas' blue eyes darkened, following the motion. "The Anchor might be an accident on me, but I'm guessing your master wants you by my side to keep tabs on it as much as you want to stay close to me."
The certainty of this idea solidified in her mind as she said it and, judging by the way Solas scowled and looked away, Rosa knew it must be too close to the mark for comfort. Rash anger burned her from within but she sat on it, hard. She couldn't afford to let her own ego get in the way here and sidetrack her. She knew the orb was important to Fen'Harel's future plans. Solas had let that much slip already. The Anchor was probably part of that, considering the orb bestowed it on her.
"My hope is that when we reclaim the orb from Corypheus that the Anchor will prove easy to remove," he hedged. "But—before you ask—no, I would not simply part from you if that should happen." He stared at the back of his horse's head, not looking at her. His posture astride his mount was rigid with tension. Rosa had the sense that he weighed every word.
The sound of the horses' hooves clopping and crunching on the dirt filled the air between them for several long seconds. Then Rosa shook her head in consternation. "I don't understand. Why can't you just tell me?"
"Countless reasons," Solas quipped, jerking his head to stare at her. "Most of which we have previously discussed so I see no reason to revisit them now."
Sensing they were at a standstill, Rosa groaned. Brushing one hand over her face, she frowned at the stink of horse lingering on her palms. Pride clashed with the drive for answers. If not for her sake, then Tal's, she needed to keep her temper. She swallowed, maintaining as neutral of a tone as she could. "All right, so you can't tell me more. The biggest reason, as I recall, was that I needed to serve your master before I can know more, right?"
Solas' eyes narrowed. He didn't look at her and didn't reply, but his silence and ongoing tension were answer enough.
"That's fair," she said, thinking aloud. Stripping her own emotions from the topic and examining it with cold logic, she went on. "I may want to ally with Celene, but I'm not about to divulge all of my plans with her based on that. So I can see why Fen'Harel would not allow one of his agents to share everything."
Now Solas' gaze swiveled to meet hers, softening. "I am pleased you understand."
"But that's the thing," she said, leaning closer to him over the distance between their mounts. "I don't understand enough to trust. All I have are your assurances and a lifetime of stories where the Dread Wolf is a villain."
Irritation flashed through Solas' eyes. "Are my assurances not enough?" he asked sharply. "Do you believe I am lying?"
"No," she said, setting her jaw to bite back her own irritation. "I don't think you're lying, but no, assurances aren't enough to overcome a lifetime of hearing the opposite." She reached across the distance and laid a palm on where his hands rested atop his mount's reins. "Help me understand. Then maybe I can help you. Maybe I can save you."
Emotions flickered across his features as fast as lightning in a storm. Hope, longing, fear, doubt, confusion—and suspicion. Finally he said, "Very well. Let us make an agreement."
She lifted an eyebrow in question and waited for him to go on.
Solas looked down to his hands, covered by hers over the horse's reins, and said, "I will show you evidence that the Dalish tales are nothing but children's stories. And you, in turn, will tell me what Tal is hiding."
She was pleased with herself for not giving away a reaction as his words sank in, but too long likely passed before she settled on an appropriate response. She withdrew her hand from over his as she said, "You honestly think Tal is talking to me? That I know what goes on in his head?"
"Yes," Solas said immediately, blank and terse. "Although I fully expect he is not telling you everything. It was clear to me yesterday that you did not know where he went within the temple." He scowled. "Speaking of such, did you truly believe I would not realize more than mere chance took us to that place? Dirthamen's temple?"
"Solas," she said in a low voice, straightening her back and staring ahead as she chewed her lip. "Did you ever have grandparents? Parents? Or did you spring from the Fade fully formed?"
He seemed to tense. "Is that a serious question? I do not see how it is pertinent."
"Answer the bloody question," she snapped, shooting him a sideways glare.
He returned it, hesitating. She was certain he had mentioned growing up at one time or another, but so much of what he shared in the Hasmal Circle was a lie to cover his true origins as Elvhen, even though she had suspected it from the moment they met based on her mother's stories of her father newly awoken from uthenera. She didn't know what was real or fake anymore from those days.
Finally Solas said, "I had parents, yes. They are long deceased."
"You never knew your grandparents?" she pressed.
He shook his head once. "No…"
Something in the single word made her eyes widen. "You…never had grandparents?"
He did not answer, merely stared forward. A muscle flicked in his jaw.
"All right," she said, tamping down her surprise. How did someone not have grandparents? And then, almost whispered inside her mind, she had the answer. If his parents were both like Cole…
Pushing aside her surprise, Rosa forged ahead with her original argument. "Well, I did have grandparents, on my mother's side. I never knew my father's. Because Keeper Taeras, my mother's bond mate, was old enough his parents had already died. And then, when I realized ghilin was my blood-father…" She shrugged. "Maybe you can't understand this, but not knowing your blood is frustrating and it leaves an emptiness inside you. A thousand questions you can't answer. On mamae's side babala and mamala were like second parents to me. They played with me, they taught me, they fed me, they sang songs to me, they let me sleep in their bedrolls if I had a nightmare. I loved them and when they died I cried as hard for them as I did Keeper Taeras. I know what their favorite foods were, their favorite songs. I knew babala gave mamae her blue eyes and mamala gave her the same brown, curly hair that I have, too."
She fell silent a moment, feeling her throat ache with loss. Solas hadn't looked at her as they spoke, but she saw emotions flashing over his face and muscles moving in his jaw with tension and emotion. He was feeling something. Unfortunately she just didn't know what.
"Seeing that sort of thing, it grounds you. It makes you see how you fit in the greater world. And…with lenalin…I didn't have that." She stared at him, willing him to meet her gaze, to understand, though she sensed this was entirely foreign to him. How could someone without grandparents relate? And since his parents must have died countless years ago…did he even remember their faces?
"You cannot expect me to believe you hoped to make such a connection within those ruins," Solas said, cold. "The temple was not built to enlighten, but to enslave. Its sole purpose was to house acolytes whose lives belonged to the false-god that they might collect and keep secrets that may prove useful to him." Now he did look at her, narrowing his eyes critically. "I suspect, had you been born before the Fall, you would very well have been pressed into servitude in some way as well."
She recoiled at that, frowning. "He can't have been all bad. You see him that way because your master does."
Solas' lips curled with hate as he spoke in a hard but quiet voice. "You wished to know such inane things as his favorite food? His favorite song? I can tell you, da'len. He enjoyed any song that gave praise to himself. His favorite meal was anything served on fine porcelain and engraved with glory to himself, and all of it crafted by June's Dreamer indentured servants as a gift to him. Perhaps you would enjoy knowing his favorite sport as well? As I recall, it was ripping secrets unwilling from the mouths of the dying using the delightful compulsion that you have inherited."
"Fenedhis, Solas," she growled, shaking her head. "Is there anything positive you can say about him? You know, it's hard to believe he and all the other Creators were just hedonists with a taste for blood."
Solas snorted, still glaring at her. "And yet you would believe it of m—" He broke off, stammering a moment before finishing, "You believe it of the Dread Wolf."
"No," Rosa said, shaking her head. "I am trying to have an open mind about him. And I'm asking you to help me."
"But you will not consider that the Evanuris may be as I say they are? Cruel, petty, self-absorbed—"
"They couldn't have just been that," Rosa insisted. "Everyone has some good and bad."
"You would be surprised," he growled. "But this discussion is not aiding us in achieving a mutual understanding."
"Yeah," she agreed, sighing. "But I can't tell you what I don't know about Tal."
"He has the Crown of Falon'Din," Solas said and Rosa cursed herself for revealing that to him all those weeks back. "Which explains his newfound expertise with the undead." He lowered his voice. "And it was the Formless One who pushed him toward it." He paused a moment and turned to pin her under a hard stare. "Why?"
Rosa shrugged. "A power bribe? Who knows with Raselan. But it has helped us immeasurably. I'm sure you heard about the fortresses in the Exalted Plains where the arcane horror nearly killed us but Tal and I miraculously saved everyone at the last minute."
"Except it was not you," Solas muttered. "It was primarily Tal, using the Crown to enhance his inborn ability." He swung a glowering glare at her. "Would you enjoy hearing how Falon'Din himself used the Crown, da'len? He created it during the civil war between the Evanuris to channel his power over souls and demons. No other, short of Elgar'nan and Andruil later, conceived of such brutal ways to slaughter the People. As he claimed more and more of Dirthamen's unprotected lands while his 'brother' lay sleeping in uthenera, whole villages were brought before him and commanded to bow in allegiance. Many refused, for they feared Dirthamen's retribution when he woke and believed at worst they would be made slaves by their conqueror and later freed by their god. They were wrong. Falon'Din tore their bodies asunder, much they way you or I would rip a parchment in half. Yet this was not the worst of the punishment. Falon'Din's Crown allowed him to grasp their souls and entrap them before they could leave for the beyond. He enslaved their very souls for use later in creating undead to bolster his living warriors for the fight he planned to take to Mythal, Elgar'nan, and the others."
Rosa stared at Solas, her mouth going dry at the awful gravity and hate she saw burning in his eyes. The way he said it, the haunted expression in his stare… "You witnessed this firsthand." It wasn't a question.
Solas' jaw clenched tight and he dipped his chin down. "I encountered a village being judged. I was journeying then, and very young. I did not wish involvement with any, but the cruelty I saw changed me." He was silent a moment, staring forward now with glazed eyes as deep blue as the Waking Sea. "Most submitted after watching their loved ones torn apart and realizing they were somehow enslaved as souls. The living prisoners were led away by arcane warriors and, after I was certain Falon'Din himself had gone…" His hands fisted on the reins. "I intervened and freed them."
Staying silent a time, Rosa mulled over this story and memory stirred within. Finally she said, "You told me about this before. A little, anyway. It was at Hasmal. You said you rescued a village from bandits."
He blinked, surprised. Then he nodded. "Yes. I had to alter the tale, of course."
Flicking her eyes over him, she wondered again how powerful he was. How many had he faced that day and defeated? A general for Mythal would certainly be powerful.
As if he could sense or guess her questions, Solas added, "It was that intervention which drew Mythal's attention to me, for I took the message from the villagers, pleading for aid, straight to Arlathan. In so doing, I revealed unwittingly that I should have been a noble at court, not a wandering mage."
Rosa frowned. "Why were you wandering?"
Solas' lips twitched and he met her eye with a look of wry humor. "I have always been a loner. Surely you have noticed."
He meant it lightly she knew but the comment stung. He'd chosen to leave her rather than trust her with everything. She paid a heavy cost for it, too. How old would their child be now if it hadn't died? She grimaced with grief and sat on the topic. The what if was too painful to consider.
After a moment of silence Solas apparently sensed his attempt at humor failed and asked gently, "Vhenan?"
Grunting, she acknowledged him but didn't say anything. Nothing felt right to say. Her chest was tight, bittersweet with love and loss and something akin to jealousy as she recalled the way Tal's clan elder described the duty of a bonded couple to make children. Were they making clan Manaria another mage right now? She knew Tal was anxious and uncomfortable with the idea, but she also knew he was devoted to Nola and to his new clan.
You don't have any honor, she'd teased him in their shared dream the night before. His reply echoed in her mind equally loud: I plan on making some.
The thought of her brother living the life she had always envisioned for herself—and wished for him—panged her with the ache of both love and loss. Love that Tal would achieve that dream she had for him. Loss that her own chance had disappeared so quickly. She wasn't even sure when, exactly. Was it when she lost the child? When the Anchor cursed her with what would likely be a short life? Was it further back when she fell for Solas back in the Hasmal Circle? Maybe it was all of it together.
"Vhenan?" Solas repeated, louder now and with a note of concern.
She winced, feeling the stupid sting of tears. She blinked them back and stared at her mare's ears. "Why do you call me that when it sounds like we're both going to die young and tragically? What are we even doing together, Solas?"
"Rosa," Solas said, using her name now. His voice sounded strangled, pained. "My sacrifice will be neither made in youth or truly in tragedy." The reins tinkled as he edged his gelding as close to her mare as he could, reaching over to lay his hand over hers where they rested on the saddle pommel. She turned her head and met his sad eyes, feeling her throat ache with emotion as she saw his mixed misery and tenderness as one. "My sacrifice will ensure you live a life as long as my own."
Her eyes widened. "You mean I would be immortal?" At his solemn nod she shook her head. "How does that work? Really? You die but the People become immortal again?" She scoffed. "Solas—that sounds daft."
He withdrew his hand and a wounded expression, or perhaps humiliation, crossed his face. He looked away. "I'm afraid I cannot explain it." He sighed, looking around at the other Inquisition riders, scattered about astride their horses. He had apparently gone self-conscious on her. "We will speak on this later." He prodded his gelding into a trot, moving ahead of her.
Rosa watched him go, swallowing down the surge of pain, confusion, and anger within. I don't want immortality, she thought. I just want you. I just want a family that won't leave me.
Her mother banished her to protect clan Naseral when Rogathe first possessed Rosa to save her and help her fight away roving bandits. Her father abandoned her before she was even born and then never met her on the coast of the Waking Sea years later, leaving her alone and frozen, thoroughly expecting to lose her mind when she shared it with Rogathe. And of course he later died, as had Rogathe. Then Solas had stolen her heart and helped save her from Hasmal, only to abandon her. And then the child he left inside her, that she had grown to love fiercely, died when the halla threw her. Now even Tal was leaving her in slow motion to pursue his own future with a family—bond partner and children someday.
She had…well, she had the Inquisition. But someday relatively soon their purpose would end with Corypheus' death or her own. Then her inner circle would dissolve. Varric would return to Krikwall. Sera to her Red Jennies. Cassandra would serve the new Divine, whoever that was. Iron Bull would go back to serving the Qun and the Qunari. Dorian would return to Tevinter and try to clean out the corruption there. Blackwall would rebuild the Gray Wardens. Vivienne would rejoin her precious Circle and continue advocating for dreary mage prisons. Cole would…well, she didn't know what he would do, but he might leave, too.
And she would be alone with only memories and the Forbidden Ones clawing at her.
The image of her headstone in the mock-graveyard within the Fade rose like a specter in her memory. Her greatest fear was chiseled on it plainly for all to see: Abandonment.
Solas' had been in the same tragic vein: Dying Alone.
We have the same fears at the heart of it, she thought, still staring at his back. Being alone.
And, like I said, sadly, no preview because I am not sure of the part I have for next chapter. *sigh* So with luck I will have a chapter for next time. If not, maybe I'll do something really crazy and put up "Two Hundred Arrows" which is the role-reversal of who gets to be Inky. That would be a terrible idea though, because that one only has like two chapters and if I cna't keep up with this one, how would I keep up the original project and TWO fanfics? Anyway, I digress.
Thank you for reviewing, Random Rockets! You asked if all souls go to the Fade or just elves. Honestly, I don't know, but I took my info from the Chant, so it seems like humans at least believe their souls go into the Fade to be with the Maker. So do elves even go there? I don't know. Theology in Thedas is so interesting. I am running on the assumption that all souls are supposed to join the Maker in death. I am unclear if you have to believe in Andraste for that to happen, or believe in the Maker for it to happen, but I don't see too much explicitly saying nonbelievers are going to Hell. Thedas doesn't have a Hell, in fact, as evidenced by the lack of that curse in the games. They do say "condemned" and "damn" though. So my impression is the Chant is mainly a guideline for living well and comfort for the suffering and dying. The Dalish seem to believe souls go to the Fade too, which is two theologies that suggest souls exist in the Fade or somewhere "beyond" it. With characters like Cole it seems obvious "spirits" and "souls" may not be very different from one another, too. Anyway, good critical thinking question!
Frogbutton, thank you for reviewing! LOL, you freaking out made me grin. I had SO much fun (and emotion) writing Felassan's reappearance.
Thank you Cookie! And your English was perfect! No worries! Yes, Tal is pretty single-minded on this now. More to come!
