Chapter Forty-Six: You Coffee Thieving Bastard

Dessie

"I was watching the wars on Werehimegarden," said Deto (the god of guns). "And I felt this itching inside of me. I tried to stop it. I made coffee. I had cake. Lots of cake. And cookies. And more coffee. I must have drunk at least three pots of black coffee. But the itching just wouldn't go away. I wanted to join in. I wanted to go in, guns blazing, and blast the heads off those sons of bitches."

"My followers were fighting the Wargonians," said Mamorden (the god of pointy objects). He bowed his head and stared at his pointy boots rather than look at us. "I wanted to help them. Their weapons weren't pointy enough. I wanted to sharpen the knives and swords for them. But I couldn't. I didn't know how to stop it. I wanted to stab and stab and stab and stab and stab and stab and stab and stab and stab – but I couldn't. It's not allowed. Stabbing is bad. Stabbing does not help me overcome my pent up rage. I need to accept my rage and then let it go. Releasing my rage by killing people with pointy objects is not good. Even if stabbing is fun."

SooSoo (the goddess of war ghosts) nodded. "I wanted revenge. I saw those idiots fighting a war with no meaning, all those dead people – they were crying out to me. I wanted to kill them all. Those stupid armies – fighting for no reason. I need to rip their heads off and feed them to the zombies of war victims. War is stupid – die, all of you!" SooSoo shook her head. "I shouldn't. I want too. But I shouldn't. Exercise helps. Remember how you told me to go for a run whenever the craving struck me?" SooSoo turned to the group leader (Rev). "I ran and ran and ran and ran and ran. It didn't help."

"So what'd you do?" asked Warg, yawning.

SooSoo hesitated. She bit her lip and scuffed the floor with her shoe. "I killed them all."

Rev sucked in his breath and sighed. "We all fall off the wagon, sometimes, Soo. The important thing is, we learn from our mistakes."

"But it felt so good!" wailed SooSoo. "At first, I said – just one, I'll just kill one. But it felt so good! So I killed two. But that felt even better. So I killed three. And soon three turned into three hundred thousand…"

"We're here to help," said Rev, looking around the circle.

"Of course!" cried Fer (the god of armies). "We're all here for you, SooSoo! If you ever have this urging again, come to me! We'll overcome this together!"

Rev nodded. "Thank you, Fer. Do you have anything to share?"

Fer smiled proudly. "An army prayed to me to devour their nemeses. I was tempted, but I followed your advice, Rev. I read a book. By the time I finished the 2,000 page book – the war was over. I was proud."

"Good job, Fer," said Rev proudly. "We are all inspired by your success." Slowly, Rev turned to Jashin (the god of mass destruction and carnage). "Do you have anything to tell us?"

"Me?" asked Jashin. "Um, no. No. I was pretty good this week. I didn't fall off the wagon… too badly…"

Warg snorted.

"Anything you would like to add?" asked Rev, addressing Warg (the god of war and all things violent) this time.

"Me? I fell off the wagon. Terribly. My Wargonians were fighting the Mamordians. I slaughtered those Marmordians." Warg shrugged. "Oops."

I giggled.

All at once, everyone turned to stare at me. Rev's eyes narrowed. "Do you have something to say, um – what's your name?"

"Dessie and I'm good. I just thought Warg's – er – openness was admirable." I giggled again.

Rev scowled at me, but then turned back to address the rest of the group. We were sitting in a circle, sharing our war and blood addictions and how we overcome our 'issues'. To give you a summary:

Rev – the group leader and the god of recovery. He was semi-attractive (ugly, though, as far as gods go) with short cropped blond hair and bright blue eyes. He liked to view himself as the all-knowing boss of us, though Warg and Jashin definitely had some opinions on that.

Fer – the suck-up of the group. The god of armies. Tall, blond, golden-eyed, Fer was as hot as hell. He was also as stupid.

SooSoo – the only goddess attending WABAA. Apparently she falls off the wagon, a lot (though not as much as Jashin and Warg). A gorgeous brunette with a flat chest. Fer apparently has a thing for her, though she has a massive crush on Deto.

Deto – the god of guns. He has long brown hair, bright brown eyes (I call him Loaded-Gun-Hottie). He's a pretty decent guy who has a slightly bipolar personality. One moment he's nice – the next he's calling you a 'fucking bitch'. He also has a thing for SooSoo.

Mamorden – the god of pointy objects. Hot, hot, hot – black hair, black eyes with some resemblance to Itachi (I could drool over him all day). He also hates Warg.

Madara, Tobi, Leader, and I had joined the group today. Leader sat closest to Rev in the circle. SooSoo sat next to Leader with Madara next to her. I sat between Madara and Warg. Then there was Jashin and Mamorden and Deto. Then Tobi sat between Deto and Fer (let me tell you, neither god was pleased with this seating arrangement).

"We have some new members here today," said Rev, glancing around the circle. "Why don't you all introduce yourself, and tell us about your addictions." He turned to Leader on his right. "Why don't we start with you?"

Leader stared at Rev, the hatred practically dripping from Leader's expression. Then, Leader turned around and addressed the group in a flat voice. "I am Leader. You will call me Leader and nothing else. I do not answer to anything accept Leader. I am the leader of a criminal organization. We kill people for money and we enjoy it."

"It's very fun," I added.

"We don't speak out of turn," said Rev. He turned back to Leader. "We don't want to spread negative energy through the group."

Leader stared at Rev.

"And what about you?" asked Rev, turning his attention to Tobi.

"Tobi is a good boy! Tobi doesn't want to kill people!"

Rev smiled and clapped his hands. "That's great. The universe needs more good boys. You are a role model to the rest of us!"

Tobi beamed.

"What about you?" asked Rev.

"Madara."

"And what's your addiction?"

"Coffee."

There was a soft laugh that ran through the group. A Valuable Life Lesson: Addicts have a thing for coffee.

"Anything else? Blood? Death? Cutting things with pointy objects?"

"That's very fun," said Mamorden.

Madara stared at Rev. "I'll kill if it benefits me."

"Killing is not the solution to life's problems," said Rev.

"Say that to the evil dictator who's ruled for several decades."

I giggled.

Finally, the Rev turned to me, his eyes narrowed with disgust. "And you, Dessie?"

"Me?" I asked. "I'm an addict to the highest degree. I like killing things. I think it's fun. Sure, it's probably against some moral code of conduct – but it's fun. Having fun is one of the most important things in life. It makes me happy. If I can't kill, I'll be unhappy – and I don't want to live being unhappy. So I'll do what I want. If people don't like me killing – they're welcome to try and kill me. They might not succeed – tough luck for them. But maybe they will, well, that'll be the end of my fun, but at least I'll know I lived a life I enjoyed." I grinned at the group. "I think this whole thing is stupid. Why should you guys try and get over your addictions? If you like being addicted – who cares? Don't you guys miss it? Ripping someone's head off without regret. Listening to their screams of pain without having to worry about being judged in a stupid circle. Blood everywhere, seeping out of the bathtub – it's so much fun!"

SooSoo grinned. "Regret sucks."

"I like shooting things," said Deto.

"Really fun…" said Mamorden. "Then I can kill Wargonians without worry."

"Like hell you can," said Warg.

Rev gritted his teeth. "Killing should not be fun – think of other people's pain!"

"Why?" I asked.

"What?"

"Why should other people's pain matter to me?"

"Because it's the moral thing to do!"

"Why should morals matter to me?"

"We abandoned things like morals long ago," said Leader. "They hold us back."

"Morals are something for good people," said Madara. "We're evil. It's a lot more fun."

"Good people have to suffer," I said. "They care about too many people, so whenever someone dies, the good people feel pain. We don't care about anyone who isn't one of ours – so our pain is limited."

"And if someone takes away one of ours," said Leader. "We'll send the world to hell."

Rev gritted his teeth. "Why are you even here? You're a negative influence! Negative influences are not welcome in our group! WABAA! We must stay strong! We must fight these corruptive influences!"

"I kind of like them," said Mamorden.

"I think we should take a break!" cried Rev loudly.

I hopped up from my seat and headed straight for the coffee. I poured myself a cup and grabbed a cookie.

"That was fun," said Warg, sipping his own coffee. "We should bring you guys to more meetings."

"I don't think Rev would like that."

"Who cares?" asked Warg. "Our goal in life is to piss Rev off as much as possible."

I grinned. "On second thought, I'd be happy to come."

"Coffee…" Madara stood in front of the coffee machine and poured himself a cup. He chugged down the searing hot liquid and poured himself another cup.

"Leave some for everyone else," said Jashin, grabbing a cookie.

"Good luck with that," I said. "Madara's a coffee addict."

"They have meetings for that," said Warg.

"Not attending," said Madara flatly.

"I don't know," said Warg. "At this rate, Rev might kick you all out and send you to the CAA meeting."

"I will fuck them up even worse than Dessie fucked this meeting up," said Madara.

"I didn't fuck it up that badly," I said.

Madara chugged down another cup of coffee and stared at me over the cup with amusement in his red eyes.

"Oh shut up," I said.

Madara grinned and refilled his coffee. "At least, you're having fun doing it."

"Don't mock me, asshole!"

"But you're so easy to mock."

Madara finished another cup of coffee and went to refill it.

"How much coffee do you plan on drinking?" I asked, filling up my own cup again.

"I'm the person who drinks the entire carafe of coffee in the morning."

"Didn't you throw up one time?" I asked, a slow grin crossing my face. "Because the coffee was too hot for poor Madara-wara to handle."

"Did you just call him Madara-wara?" asked Warg.

"Congratulations," said Madara. "You managed to make yourself look like a bigger idiot while ridiculing me."

I sighed. "Yeah, I should have stuck with just calling you Mada."

"Don't call me Mada."

"Whatever you say, Mada."

Madara rolled his eyes and continued to drink his beloved coffee.

"I can't believe you stole one of my followers," said Jashin.

I glanced over to see Warg and Jashin were chatting over cookies. Jashin seemed semi-pissed off while Warg was in a suspiciously cheerful mood.

"She was mine first," said Warg. "Then she converted to you. I'm just taking back what was originally mine."

"I still have Hidan," said Jashin.

"Yes," said Warg, his voice dripping with sarcasm. "Because Hidan is a follower you ought to be so proud of."

"Yeah, like Dessie's something to brag about."

"You're the one making a big deal out of this."

I stepped into their conversation, a wide grin plastered across my face. "Warg rules and Jashin sucks!"

"See," said Warg. "I think she's a great follower."

Deto broke off his conversation with SooSoo and moved towards the coffee machine. Madara stepped away from the machine, chugging down his cup of coffee.

"Why thank you, Warg," I said. "I think I have a great god."

Deto put his cup under the tap and flipped the switch on the machine.

"You two are full of bullshit," said Jashin.

Deto stared at his empty cup.

"I can't deny that," said Warg, grinning mischievously.

"WHY IS THERE NO MORE COFFEE!?"

The entire room fell silent and we all turned to see Deto standing in front of the coffee machine, a twisted expression on his face.

"What?" asked Rev.

"We – Are – Out – Of – Coffee."

I turned around. "Madara, you coffee thieving bastard."

Madara inspected his empty cup. "It doesn't take that long to make more."

"You don't understand!" cried Deto. "The people here are addicts! We need coffee like we need air!"

"Oh wah," said Madara. "I weep for your sad tale."

Deto's left eye twitched.

"He drank all the coffee?" asked SooSoo, her voice low and deadly.

"There was enough coffee in there for thirty people!" cried Rev.

I groaned. "This isn't going to end well."

"I can drink coffee for fifty people," said Madara. "It's not that hard to make more – you're gods, aren't you? Or are you just too stupid to make your own coffee?"

Deto pulled out his gun and pointed it at Madara's head. "YOU SON OF A BITCH! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU! HOW DARE YOU DRINK ALL OF MY FUCKING COFFEE! MY COFFEE! ASSHOLE! SHITHEAD! I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL KILL YOU!"

Warg grinned. "We should definitely take you guys to all our WABAA meetings!"