Secrets Are Walls That Keep Us Alone
Chapter Fifty-Five
People always said that time wasn't a solid construct. Units of time are man-made, in increments that, as far as Sirius was concerned, were quite pointless. What was the significance of sixty? Why wasn't it in increments of one hundred, like so many other things?
People say that time is not solid. They don't ever mention that time is contemptuous.
In the odd seconds Sirius had to spare at the end of May and beginning of June, he found himself wondering what had made time so cruel. It was, after all, the reason he had so little time to contemplate it. He wondered if time did that on purpose.
The fact was, when Sirius dreaded something, like going home for summer, time burned rubber to bring him closer to the eventual destination. When he had too much to do, time spun out of control at the speed of light to his deadlines. Which was funny, because time is meant to go at the speed of time, not the speed of light. But what was the speed of time, anyway? It always changed.
As finals began catching up with him, Sirius found that time sped up exponentially. Suddenly, the evenings were barely long enough to do his homework and get in a chapter of reading. Quite abruptly he found himself up until one or two every morning trying to finish everything. The light dodged particles of dust in the air to impact the pages of his book and refract into his tired eyes, making them ache that much more. A constant pressure was building up just behind his eyes, pushing back into his brain, squashing it, leaving no space for the information he read. His wand felt too polished in his hand, despite the fact that he could see smudged prints coating it. He couldn't hold on to it tight enough to point it where he wanted it to go. His eyes hurt too much to find a target.
When he finally lay down to sleep, his nightmares tortured him, slicing into his mind to take control, laying waste to the idea that he might get some real rest. He was trapped for days, feeling the lashing of his father's belt, the trilling of blood on his skin. Everything in slow motion, everything that much more painful. He awoke to find it had only been two hours. Days of hateful scorn in two hours. Yes, time was contemptuous.
If Sirius didn't charm his books to read to him while he ran, he would never finish his review. Or he would never run. But the latter wasn't an option. There was something so perfectly relaxing about watching the sun's graceful conquering of the sky while his muscles strained and his breath shuddered. He couldn't give it up.
Sirius told his friends as much when they told him that he needed to quit. Exercise isn't bad at all.
"Losing too much weight is," James had responded, pushing some scrambled eggs at him.
Sirius had obediently eaten three bites, then vanished the rest once his paper had arrived.
Classes were mainly review now, few new things taught, and the classes crawled on slowly, starving from lack of interest. Even the teachers were bored, though they tried to sound severe.
Lunch was skipped in favor of the library, which, though full to bursting, was deathly silent. The only sounds were hushed whispers with all the seriousness of a funeral party. It allowed him to get things done.
James yelled at him for skipping lunch, and though he only had five minutes each day to do so, those five minutes allowed an hour's lecturing, all to punish Sirius. He tried to look remorseful, though he knew he'd do the same the next day, and the day after that, until finals were over and then he would have no excuse.
Afternoon classes trudged in much the same way as the morning classes, and then came an hour of study time before dinner, which Sirius worked through. But he didn't come back to the common room until the library closed, so at least he could put off the lecture. Though time did propel it ever closer.
A lecture cut off by Sirius' own sharp declaration of his state of business, and he was back to work, with time zipping merrily along. And so the cycle started over.
Every student in the school looked rather exhausted. Dark circles under the eyes were no longer a sign neither of being a vampire nor of being a chronic insomniac. A generally stressed expression was considered normal. Girls wore their hair in messy ponytails and their makeup was minimal at best. Boys forgot to have their robes washed; stains and wrinkles were apparent. Shoes went untied as did ties. Few got detention.
Thus, Sirius felt somewhat undeserving of Remus' assertion that he looked ill. So did everyone else, he had pointed out.
"Not as badly," Remus said. "Have you lost more weight?"
Probably, Sirius had concluded. He'd had to take up some of his precious study time to look up the spell his mother used to shrink clothes, before he had a horrifically embarrassing moment.
"No," was his formal answer. James looked suspicious, but left it alone when he accidentally set fire to his textbook.
Time lurched forward to the night before the first exams, which found the Marauders intensely practicing charms and reading magical theory.
Sirius scanned, for the fifth time, his notes on the "finite incantatem" spell. James muttered under his breath, something regarding "useless, pointless silent spells." Remus turned the pages of his textbook every thirty seconds, so fast was he reading. Lily practiced the aguamenti charm. Peter looked on the verge of tears.
Slowly, the common room began to clear out. James was the first of their group to go.
"I can't take it anymore!" he yelled, snapping his book shut as though intent on squashing the words right off the page.
Lily raised her eyebrows. "Then go to bed."
"Sirius, coming?" James asked.
"No," Sirius mumbled, still reading intently.
"Moony? Wormtail?"
"Go ahead," Remus said, waving one hand.
"I guess I might as well," Peter sighed. "It's not like I'm going to learn anymore in the next hour."
The two of them disappeared up to the dormitory.
Lily left within the hour, rubbing her eyes, wishing them good luck.
"Don't need it," Sirius said.
"He means thanks," Remus said quickly.
Lily laughed. "Thanks for the translation. Good night."
It was midnight before Remus or Sirius moved again.
"We should go to bed," Remus said finally, standing up to stretch, wincing at the stiffness of his neck, from bending to squint at a textbook for hours.
"You go ahead," Sirius said softly, refusing distraction.
"It's midnight," Remus said. "No, actually, it's a quarter after. You should go to bed."
"Not tired."
"Yes you are, I can tell. You only play with your tie when you're tired," Remus stated.
"That's kind of creepy that you know that, Moony," Sirius responded, dropping his hand into his lap.
"Nevertheless," Remus said. "C'mon. Staying up all night definitely won't help you."
"It won't matter," Sirius said. "It's not like I'll sleep much anyway."
"Still having nightmares?" Remus asked, frowning.
"Yeah, they started up again," Sirius said, squinting at his own handwriting. "Can you read that?"
"It looks likeā¦no, I can't read it. Just give up, Sirius. We'll go get you a Dreamless Sleep Potion, and then we can sleep."
"No potion," Sirius said. "You go ahead."
"Why not take the potion? You need rest before exams."
"That potion tastes awful," Sirius murmured.
"So what?"
Sirius scowled at him. "I don't want it. I'll be up in a while, okay?"
"Fine," Remus sighed, trekking up the stairs.
Sirius didn't retire until after two. By the time he got into bed and settled, he was exhausted.
Yet, his mind was roiling with thoughts. Incantations rested on his lips, diagrams veiled his eyes. A whispered threat hovered in his ear. You'll be sorry if you don't bring home good marks.
He tossed and turned, biting his lip hard to keep from yelling in frustration. His friends probably wouldn't appreciate that.
Sirius practiced wand movements, though with only his wandless hand. He murmured incantations to himself, to be sure of pronunciation.
His curtains ratcheted to the side of his bed and Remus was looming over him.
"Here," he said, pushing a goblet towards Sirius. Sirius sat up and looked at it.
"I didn't hear you leave," he whispered.
Remus shrugged.
Sirius took the goblet of crystallized blue potion. "Thank you."
"You're welcome."
"Good luck tomorrow."
"And you."
Remus returned to his bed. Sirius looked at the goblet again, then drained it of Dreamless Sleep Potion.
