44 - Hail Mary

W/C: 2700
Warnings/spoilers/content: some profanity and be warned that this is basically an angsty stream of consciousness. There are also references to DW-Army of Ghosts
Summary: Ianto struggles to deal with this by himself.
Characters: Ianto, Rhi, Mrs. Sato, Owen's brother, immortal-Jack
Ianto's New Timeline: June 29, 2006
A/N: The closer we get to the climax the shorter (maybe) and well, weird the chapters will be. Things are happening quickly and in many locations. There is a sudden shift in tense near the start of this chapter. Yes, it is on purpose. So if it seems choppy, sorry about that but please just go with it ;)


THE GHOST SHIFTS had been running like clockwork for weeks now. I… I couldn't take it—the waiting, the tension—I was ready to snap. I'd done everything I could. Everything I could think of.

Oh, god, please let me have done everything that I could. Please let it be enough.

We were really glad when Tosh finally finished arming the hub with a Time-Lock. Between her and Jack, it had taken weeks of solid work. Now unfortunately, she found herself surprisingly empty handed. She didn't have near enough to keep her hands busy or to keep her mind focussed. She could only handle so much of Owen, and she'd already seen more of Jack and I than she ever cared to. Without a project, she was getting antsy but she absolutely refused to leave the hub for any reason.

Owen was sexually frustrated, running out of acceptable porn, booze and beyond snippy. He wouldn't leave the hub either. It was no good. And it was only going to get worse.

Jack was on full-alert. He knew it was coming. I knew it was coming. There was nothing we could do. So Jack just did what Jack did. When in doubt: sex, booze and food. Rinse lather and repeat.

The tension in the hub was almost unbearable.

It wasn't, I reminded myself.

I remembered unbearable. I remembered it clearly. That had really been unbearable. Then. When they'd killed her. That had been truly unbearable. An unbearable situation. Impossible. And I bore it.

I could do this.

I WANTED TO CALL HIM—The Doctor. I wanted to call him with all my heart. I needed to call him. But what would I say? Come quick, the world is ending—again. Come quick, my world is ending. Come quick, the last thread to my last life is about to end. Come quick, I'm a fool. Come quick, help me.

There was a cloud forming, above and around my head. It was dark. And so very heavy. The weight of it, it felt like it was going to kill me. I'd never felt so afraid.

Yes, I have.

Right. Well, I've never felt so… alone.

Yes, I have.

I've handled so much already, mostly on my own. I could feel myself becoming more and more depressed and anxious to the point of near panic attacks. But I had to keep my mind focussed. I had things to do, important things and people were depending on me. It still felt so heavy, my burden and often just thinking about it left me sleepless.

FINALLY, THE TENSION SNAPS like an abused violin string pulled too tight for too long and I find myself dialing his number—while standing on a roof no less. Jack has obviously rubbed off on me. I hold my phone up, as far as my arm will stretch, trying to get better reception. I catch myself then, scoff aloud bitterly, thinking, universal roaming, you idiot.

He answers, after too many rings.

At first, I forget to speak. By that point, I'm just managing to remember to breathe.

"Ianto? That you?" I blink out of it.

"Yes, Doctor." I swallow, trying to moisten my mouth. "I need… I need you." My voice is quiet, I think maybe he doesn't hear me.

"Ianto? Tell me… what's happening?" I hear fear. He knows. He must know. I can hear her, in the background. I hear her voice. It's so lovely and my eyes are suddenly burning. My hand comes up by itself and I wipe at my cheek. They're only tears. It's nothing.

When I don't answer, he adds, "What have you done?" He waits just long enough to take a breath and then he admonishes, "don't do anything." He's pleading. He must know. "For goodness sakes, don't change anything."

"Too late." Two little words. They should've been said by now. So many times. Now, they're subtext. Assumed. It's far too late. The cloud's getting darker. Christ, I'm so cold. Numb to the core.

I remember that I'm on a roof. Of course I'm fucking cold. I've got to shake my head, try to clear the muddled cloud away and then I slide down to the ground next to an electrical box. I wrap my coat around me, so tight it hurts. It's hard to keep my eyes open. I'm so tired and the tears are burning. No matter, there's not much to see from here anyways and I'm distracted by the pain that's pounding behind my eyes. I try though, I squint so I can focus on the darkened sky overhead. The moon's suddenly over-bright and the stars above are mere blobs of light. When I look down, over the edge everything else is just blurry.

Finally, after an uncomfortable pause, he speaks. I can hear his breathing. "What have you done?" he asks again but this time it's so very quiet, just a whisper. Then, he changes his mind. "No. Don't tell me!" Now, I'm certain. He's very afraid. I can still hear her. She sounds less bubbly now though. She must have seen his fear. She's speaking louder now and she's asking him what's wrong. I wonder if she knows it's me. After a few quiet moments, the Doctor changes his mind yet again and this time he presses, more urgently, "Ianto, what's happened?"

I sigh. It's ragged and drawn out and I notice that my throat's burning. I need to tell him what I've been thinking. He's really the only one I could ever tell. I realize it then. I suppose I've known all along. He's the only one I can really talk to. He's the only one that can help me. "The timeline. It's changed. I already changed it. Just by being alive. I've changed it." God, I'm gasping, I'm trying to stay calm, I really am, I'm trying not to panic. A flash of movement below catches my eye. I look down from up on my roof. In the middle of the street I see a coat flapping in the wind. I hear it snap. He's found me. At last. I won't be alone for much longer.

After such a long pause, that I think we've been disconnected, the Doctor finally answers me. "I understand," he says softly, kindly, as is his way. There's a clenching near where my heart should be, a deep cutting pain. It only intensifies when I fully realize that he doesn't. He doesn't understand. Not really. He's just trying to make me feel better, soothe me, gentle me like a wild animal. I must seem like that. It's terrible. It's unfair.

How can he be so calm? He wouldn't, if he knew. Could he? Could he know about her. How could he know and not do anything? No. The Doctor lies but not this time. Not about this. It's not possible. He can't be that cold. Or that strong. No one could. Of that, at least I'm certain.

"Tons of things have changed. Small things. Big things." I start talking faster. I have to get it all out. Jack's on his way up. "I'm supposed to be working at Torchwood One. I'm supposed… I'm supposed to be there."

"Oh, I see." In retrospect, I have to admit he was being extraordinarily patient. I know he wants me to tell him. And at the same time, he's so afraid that I will. I know that feeling, well enough for two lifetimes. "Are you safe?" he asks. I know he's concerned, I can hear it in his voice, and in between the silences as well.

"For now. I'm safe right now. But that's going to change very soon." I take a chance. I break all the rules. I speak quickly just in case he hangs up after all. "The ghosts—they aren't ghosts Doctor." I say the words so fast that he can't stop me. "You need to be careful. We need you." I hesitate. I know all about Rose. How he loses her. My guts are churning, the pain, deep and stabbing. "It's them." I don't say the words. I don't need to. He will know. "There's going to be an invasion." I whisper. I know I'm not supposed to say this. I'm just supposed to be silent and suck it up. I'm supposed to be strong. To deal with it. Alone.

He sounds strange when he answers. "Well. That's… interesting." She's standing right there. So close. I can still hear her in the background, her lovely sing song voice, so happy. I wonder again if he knows.

"Do you… do you foresee reality collapsing anytime in the near future?" I'm trying to sound light but I'm definitely failing. We've had this conversation before.

"Not that I can see." He doesn't sound convinced. Not at all.

I can feel the anger building. Anger is better than fear. "Are you LOOKING?" I sound harsh, accusing.

"Trying not to actually," He mutters. I know it's because she's there. Listening and watching. I think, for the most part, he just avoids the things he doesn't want to see. I wonder if any of us have the power to change anything. God, I hope he does.

"Well. Stop. That. Open your eyes already!" I need him. I need him to help us. To help himself. To help her. But I know he probably won't and it feels like it's slowly killing me.

"Ianto," he chides. "Don't be daft." His lilting voice is full of affection and so very patient. The tears fall faster. "Things happen for a reason. Sometimes, there's no changing them."

"I know. I know that. But I know so much. Too much." A deep shudder wracks my body. It keeps going, winding its way through my chest. It feels like something's wrapped itself around my heart. I feel it squeeze and for a minute I can't take a breath. "I'm ready to drop my basket, here. Doctorplease." I'm so alone. Up on that roof. But not for long because Jack's coming up the stairs.

"What else can you tell me?" he urges. He has to know. Why doesn't he already know?

I hear metal grinding against metal as Jack pries open the gate at the top of the stairs. He does it loudly, too loudly, so I know it's him.

"I can't. Right now. I'm under constant surveillance." I'm almost laughing as hard as I'm crying.

"Enemies?" He sounds concerned.

I reassure him. "No, my coworkers."

"Hmm," he huffs, "Bloody Torchwood."

"I hear that a lot." I'm so tense. I know Jack can finally hear me. Even though he's keeping his distance. I'm sure he knows who I'm talking to. Who else would I call from a roof top?

"Do you want to meet me?" I hear her again. In the background. She's eager to see me. Excited.

"Yes. God, yes." Relief floods over me. It doesn't stop the tears though and for a moment, I think of how I must look and I feel the fool.

"Alrighty." He tries to sound chipper again. Damn him. He's such a good liar. "Then, I'll… we'll… be over in a jiff." She's chiding him in the background for his improper use of pronouns.

"Thank you. See you soon." I take a deep breath and mentally prepare myself to face Jack.

"Yes," he says then I hear a rather loud Click. He's hung up.

I stay like that a moment longer, just staring out at the blurry skyline, remembering to breathe. Jack remains silent but he comes closer. He sits down beside me, shoulder to shoulder. I feel his hand slide across my lower back, gentle, tentative. He's not sure what to do.

I carefully put my phone back into my pocket. Clear my throat. Wipe my face. Jack shifts even closer. "You okay?" he murmurs. He knows I'm not. He must. I don't know why people ask that question. I'm not. I'm really not.

I shake my head. I don't open my mouth. I don't want to risk shouting—ranting—railing—I can't risk it right now. My jaw's tightly clenched. I really can't see a way out. Actually, I think there may be only one way. But I don't want it to be that one.

I stay quiet. Besides, Jack speaks enough for both of us. "You disappeared. I was worried. I went to your flat. You weren't there. I tracked your signal." He wraps his arms around me, lends me his heat. Holds me close. I think I can feel his heart wrap around me too. It feels incredibly good. I lean into him. "You into roofs now?" he says jokingly and then looks over the edge, quite dramatically.

I try not to react but it's not worth the effort. "Ya." I snort. I try to smile even but it's a pitiful attempt.

"What can I do?" He wants to help. I know he does. He wants to carry this for me. I wish he would. I wish he could.

"I don't know. Nothing." I close my eyes. Lean against him. This is the best I've felt all day.

"Are we waiting—" His question is cut off by my phone. It's the Doctor's ring tone. I answer quickly and he goes still.

"Yes?"

"There seems to be a problem." His voice is tight and he sounds angry, frustrated.

I can feel my heart beginning to speed up again, pounding violently against my rib cage. "Is it serious?" Please. Please. Please. I'm ready to beg.

"Yesss." There's a hard edge to that single word. "The TARDIS. Is—not—responding." He sounds very angry. Like he's about ready to explode.

I try to take a deep breath, the way my therapist taught me but then the word is torn loudly from my mouth. "What?" I screech, unable to hide my disbelief. I feel Jack shift next to me. I know he can hear both sides of the conversation.

"She won't land. She won't let me." He's trying to explain. Without saying it aloud. There are people listening. On both sides.

"I see." I sigh; it's a long terrible sound. It's full of burgeoning tears, leading inevitably to uncontrollable sobbing, and somewhere in there some basket dropping of catastrophic proportions. "Oh, dear," I add for good measure.

"Yes." He agrees. I know he's good and terrified now. "My thoughts exactly." He's exerting an inordinate amount of will, just to stay calm. Well, to appear to stay calm.

"So. I'm on my own then?" I always was.

"For now." He's trying to sound reassuring. "I'll get back to you. As soon as I can."

"I know. I'll see you soon then." Sooner than you think. I press the end button. I forgot to say goodbye but I'm not thinking of him anymore. I'm thinking of her.

Jack grips me with all his might while I fall to pieces.


Continued in… Seeking Absolution