Cat's p o v

I knew he had been watching Tori and I for awhile I knew this moment would come when I would have to tell him the truth but I was so scared what if he thought I was too blame?

It was my fault for being so stupid as to go off on my own for not calling someone who I knew for trusting a complete stranger. Even if he seemed so nice and compassionate he was a stranger god I am so dumb.

It's my fault no one else except him still it Didn't mean I deserved it. Why wasn't he saying something?

He swore he was sorry and he cared for me he wanted to make it right.

Was he telling the truth or just trying to get me to forgive him so we would work together on this project.

I know how serious he takes school.

My mind was reeling with questions as I stared into his face trying to read his eyes his expression.

Do I matter to you? Do I matter enough that when you hear this story you will be furious on my behalf? Do you value me enough that this story will hurt you?

His eyes were so confused but his silence and his jumping back were telling me all I needed to hear.

You don't matter enough to make me fight my own paralysis and confusion and fear. You are not worth defending. You are not worth standing up for.

The dawn of it broke me why was I that unimportant to him? I thought we had something special I thought I meant something to him.

Get angry Freddie. Cry Damn it. Tell me how sorry you are, how heartbroken, how devastated. Tell me that I didn't deserve it. Tell me it wasn't my fault. Tell me you love me it doesn't have to be in the bf/gf way just in a I love you as a friend way. Tell me that my pain means something. Tell me how much I matter.

Frigging tell me something don't just stand there like a lost puppy dog that was brutally attacked by a bulldog I need you to be strong for me.

Don't ignore it don't think that I don't think about it every waking moment that I don't feel his hands crawl on me his breath on top of me or his nastiness inside of me.

Ask questions, ask me how I feel what you can do to help me. Maybe I won't want to talk maybe it's too private but maybe I will need to talk to someone. Maybe I just need a hug or a shoulder to cry on.

Don't act like I am hiding a secret that I need to be ashamed of it's not...it happened I have to deal with it I have to live with these consequences.

I'm the one having this rapists baby.

Cat there you are Jade was worried you didn't come to class

Sikowitz sent me to find you both your due in his classroom

Freddie what's wrong?

Lane's voice interrupted us turning to me our eyes locked and he knew without me having to say.

Freddie say something Cat just told you something that was very personal very painful

You can at least be a man and say something back take your time and form your next words carefully

Freddie do you understand that Sexual assault infects every aspect of a person's life their sense of safety, their ability to trust, their sexuality, their physical health, their spiritual life everything.

If Cat can't name the reason for that total and comprehensive disruption, then what she does is blame herself. I must be crazy. There's something wrong with me. I'm not like other people. I'm broken.

There's nothing wrong with her. She was raped. Do her the courtesy of putting a name to what has happened to her. Be brave enough to say it. Be that friend who helps her call it what it is.

It's not easy supporting a sexual assault survivor. It can be exhausting and it can break your heart. We both Understand that you have feelings too, and your feelings are important. Talk to your other friends about how hard it is. Talk to me or any teacher here your mom talk about it don't stay silent don't let her suffer by herself anymore this is NOT Cat's fault.

Cat has finally found the courage inside herself to tell someone you are the first person she has ever said those words out loud to anyone.

How did it feel Cat?

I was raped.

I said it

I put it out there.

They were words I buried because I didn't understand what had happened to me and felt ashamed because I thought it was my fault.

I'm starting to see maybe I was wrong cause it wasn't my fault

I wasn't going to be a victim anymore.

How did that feel?

Suddenly the vague nightmare of that awful night took shape and the monster that had haunted me for months had a form and a name: Rape.

With this name came the understanding that what had happened to me was not my fault a crime had been committed and I was the victim of that crime.

I was done being a victim now I was going to be a fighter a survivor and soon a mother it wasn't my kid's fault he/she didn't ask to be created from such a hateful selfish act.

She or he deserved to be loved just like every child and in order to do that I had to learn to love myself again and I had to fight for a better life that meant doing well in school socializing with others and never giving up on my dreams.

No matter who stood in my way.

Are you serious?

He really asked me that?

Looking him straight in the eyes I shot back at him.

Are you serious? Asking me that?

He swallowed as I spun around fine if he couldn't talk to me he didn't need to be in my life.

Lane squeezed my shoulder as I walked past him grabbing my stuff looking at Freddie one last time I rolled my eyes.

I thought you were different I was wrong

Brushing past them I ran out smacking into Robbie who saw I was upset and asked to hug me granting him a yes he wrapped his arms around me and I cried again.

Cat I am sorry he didn't believe you maybe he needs time

It's hard for anyone to adjust when they hear that kind of news

Why are you defending him?

Cause I am him I know how I felt and how shocked and scared and speechless I was

Cat

We both turned as Freddie came running out red faced sweating, our eyes connected. Robbie stepped in front of me adjusting his glasses he addressed Freddie.

No one ever asks to be raped or assaulted. Raping someone is a conscious decision made by the perpetrator. Even if Cat exercised bad judgment, she did not deserve to be raped; no one does.

Freddie came closer I squeezed tighter next to Robbie I don't know why but his reaction caused me to not to be able to trust him. Clearing his throat looking us both in our eyes. "I believe you Cat"

You survived; you did the best you could do under the circumstances."

It is not your fault. Nothing you did could possibly justify what happened."

I'm sorry it happened to you."

This does not change how I feel about you."

What can I do to help you?"

I am just so happy you are here and you survived I would be so devastated if you had died. Swallowing I froze he said the words no one not even Jade could say the truth I had always known. I was lucky in a way so many girls are killed by their rapist so many don't make it past the assault.