I scramble out of bed and can only stare at Sid for a moment. Did he really say 'tell me again?' Suddenly I feel very naked and vulnerable so I grab the closest piece of clothing to me, Sid's tee shirt. Covered, I feel less naked but no less vulnerable. Did he really say 'tell me again?'

Sid looks confused and it takes him a moment to recover too. This is surreal. Not ten seconds ago, I was enthralled, Sid had just cum and I was feeling my orgasm cresting. Now I'm staring at the man I love, with the proof of his orgasm dripping onto my thigh, and feeling crushed. Did he really say 'tell me again?'

"Mac" he says as he stands and reaches out to touch my arm.

I jerk back like I've been scalded. Maybe I have. What did he mean 'tell me that you love me?'

Sid backs up and raises his hands like I'm a bank robber with a gun.

"Babe" he begins again but stops.

It goes through my head, over and over, so much that it spills out of my mouth.

"What did you mean 'tell me again, tell me that you love me'?" I ask him.

Sid opens his mouth, closes it and then opens it again but no sound comes out.

"What. Did. You. Mean." I ask again.

We stare at each other and Sid bites his bottom lip before speaking.

"I just wanted to hear it again" he says in a soft voice.

"When did you hear it the first time?"

Again he bites his lip and I wait.

"In Sochi" he says.

"In Sochi!" I yell at him before I can even process it. "In Sochi! Seriously!?"

All he does is shrug this time.

"That was months ago Sid. All this time and you never told me. I guess you weren't asleep, huh?"

I don't know what to do with my pain and, make no mistake, I feel pain stabbing deep inside of me. He has the nerve to only shrug.

"I trusted you" I tell him. "We may have never been able to define what 'this' is but I trusted you implicitly. How could you destroy that trust? And for months!?"

I'm only vaguely aware of the blood draining from Sid's face to be replaced by pain. I'm in too much pain myself to comprehend or really care.

Finally he says "I didn't mean to."

Four words. All these months of betrayal and I get four words. I've done everything for him. I've made every decision for him and to ensure that he was cared for and this is what he does to me. Terra was right. I guess it is all about him and that was ok, in the beginning; but, after being his friend and his lover, he's dishonest. I don't understand how he can do that to me.

Now the knife that stabbed my heart is leaking blood everywhere. I can feel the pain washing over me in waves. I can't even stand anymore so I move to sit in the corner chair. There is no way that I can touch the bed now. After everything I did for him and with him, I'm emotionally gutted. Everyone around me knew that this would happen and tried to warn me. Even Paula, walking the hard ethical line between my friend and his therapist, warned me in her own way. How could I believe that I could keep my heart intact and free from pain?

"Mac, I'm so sorry."

Four more words as hallow as the first four.

"Mac" he says softly and I look up at him.

He looks remorseful and contrite. He does look sorry for his behaviour and seeking forgiveness. For the first time in my life, I absolutely can't forgive. My fight or flight response never had a chance because I only want to get out of here as fast as I can. I just can't find the strength to fight. I need to get away from this bed, this room and this man. How can one small action destroy everything?

"Mac?" he repeats.

"Why?" is all I can say.

"I don't know why." Four more words. "At first, I guess, I convinced myself that we were just friends."

"And then?"

I get another shrug.

"I don't know Mac? I really don't. I do know that I never wanted or meant to hurt you but maybe I always knew that I would."

What the fuck?

"That's a cop-out Sid." His head jerks up and looks surprised at what I said. I guess I've reached my limit now and don't give a shit. "Seriously Sid, that's a fucking cop-out. You own how you behave and, no matter what else in life you can't control, you control that, your behaviour. You didn't have to hurt me. No amount of bull shit is going to make me understand. You didn't have to hurt me."

His eyes have grown wider at my outburst. Maybe I've been ignoring my own feelings for so long that I can't stop them now.

"You make your own decisions Sid. All you had to do was say that you heard me and you weren't ready for that, or you didn't feel the same or any fucking thing! What you did was dishonest."

"What about you?" he yells back.

"What do you mean 'what about me'?"

"You haven't exactly been honest either. You said that while you thought I was asleep. That wasn't exactly being honest."

"That had nothing to do with honesty. It was self-preservation Sid" I hurl at him. "Maybe I always knew that you would hurt me too" I continue sarcastically.

"You know what I've been through" he shoots back.

"Obviously not enough to not want me there" I point to the bed. "You've haven't been through enough not to want me there."

"You wanted that too."

"But I wanted more!"

"Who says that I didn't?"

"You did. Or rather you didn't. You had the perfect opportunity in Sochi and for every day since to say something, anything, to me about how you feel and you didn't."

Sid runs his hands through his hair and paces the room once, twice, before stopping.

"I don't know what you want from me" he says in a defeated voice.

I feel all of the anger drain out of me. The only thing left is pain and regret.

"I don't want anything Sid" I tell him.

He doesn't respond, nor does he turn to look at me, so I stand and leave the room. Part of me hopes that he'll come after me but I know that he won't. What else is there to say?

When I'm back in my room, the first thing I do is have a shower. I need to wash off the residue of everything we just did and pray that I can wash away some of the pain too. When I can't, I sit on the edge of the tub and cry like I never have before. Finally, when there are no more tears left, I dry off. Looking in the partially fogged mirror, I don't recognize the woman looking back at me. How did that happen? How did I let that happen?

I may not know how it happened but I do know what I need to do now so I begin packing. It doesn't take me long, it never does when you just throw stuff into your suitcase. It's 2:30am. I take a moment to look for flights from Nova Scotia to Toronto on my phone and there is one at 6am. That's perfect so I call a cab. They're skeptical when I tell them that they can't drive in because of the gate and that I'll meet them at the road.

Wheeling out my suitcase, I'm quiet as I walk down the hall. The door is closed but I can hear Sid faintly snoring when I put my ear to the door. This isn't fair. I'm responsible for my behaviour too so I return to my room and write the most painful note I've ever written. I leave it on the bed and return to the hall.

Thankfully, Sam is quiet when she greets me at the bottom of the stairs. I never thought I'd be saying goodbye to a dog but I'm going to miss her. I'm also concerned that she'll bark if I don't greet her in some way.

When I get to the curb, I only have five minutes to wait before the cab arrives. When I'm in, I give him the address and then let my head fall back against the head rest. Why did I ever think that I could keep my heart from getting broken?


I didn't sleep long or well. It's 8am when I wake and I'm exhausted. Memories of the night rush back to me. I can still smell Mac on the sheets and they are still sticky too. She's not beside me in the bed but I didn't think that she would be. As I think back over the night, there are so many regrets that I can't itemize them all.

Sitting at the edge of the bed, I can't help wondering what I'm going to say or do when I see Mac. I also wonder if this was inevitable. Were we always going to end up here with Mac hurt and me incapable of stopping it? Why did I keep going after her every time when I knew I was going to hurt her? I knew this was going to happen and that we would end up here. Fuck.

I can't keep hiding in here. Mac will be awake and probably downstairs having coffee on the pier. I love how much she loves the water. At times it feels like we were made for each other.

I pull on some shorts and a tee shirt and head down to the kitchen. There is no sign that Mac has been awake. Sam greets me enthusiastically and then runs to the sliding door. When I let her out, she immediately runs to the bushes to pee. Ok, Mac definitely hasn't been up.

After considering what I should do next, I go back upstairs and to Mac's room. The door is open, the blinds are open and sun fills the room. The bed has been made and none of Mac's things are out. She usually leaves a brush on the dresser and her shoes by the chair. There is nothing in this room that says Mac is staying here. Opening the closet reveals nothing but hangers and has me whirling back to look at the room. Only on the second look do I notice the note on the bed. It's folded and has my name on the outside. I don't need to read it to know that she's gone.

I hear Sam barking at the back door so I pick up the note and go to the kitchen. There I grab a glass of orange juice and then go outside. Sam runs down to the pier knowing exactly where I'm going. She lies at my feet and I settle back to read Mac's note.

'Sid, I am so sorry to leave without saying goodbye but I think this is best. We said everything there was to say last night and talking again isn't going to solve anything unfortunately.

I want you to know that I will miss you and wish only the best happiness for you and Lizzy. She is a beautiful, intelligent and loving child and lucky to have you as her daddy.

Please don't contact me again. I think it's best if we make a clean break now before it's harder on everyone later, especially Lizzy.

Thank you for bringing her into my life. I feel truly lucky to have, ever so briefly, been in your lives.

Mac.'

I reread it a dozen or more times before I crumple it up to throw in the lake. Only at the last moment do I stop, press it flat, fold it and put it in my pocket. I've done enough rash things over the past two days. Maybe I should stop doing anything before giving it thought.

Lizzy! Shit. How am I going to explain this to my daughter? I can't blame Mac of course. This was my fault, one hundred percent my fault. How am I going to explain this to Lizzy?

I pull out my phone and see that it's 9am which is definitely not too early to call my friends. They have two four year olds in the house and will definitely be awake now. The phone only rings twice before Steve answers.

"Yeah Sid" he says.

"Hi Steve, how did you guys do last night?"

"Next time, it's at your house."

"That bad huh?"

"These two don't seem to need a lot of sleep" he chuckles as he speaks. "Of course, a 3am knock on the door doesn't help, although I completely understand."

Confused, I ask "what do you mean?"

"It was great of Mac to know how it would affect Lizzy if she just left without saying goodbye. Even if it was for a family emergency, Lizzy would understandably be upset to realize that Mac left without saying goodbye. Mac felt so bad that she woke us up but I'm glad that she did."

That's when I put it together. After Mac left last night, she went to Steve and Mary's house and said goodbye to Lizzy. Of course she thought of how Lizzy would react if she just disappeared. Mac is always putting others first.

I talk with Steve some more and make plans to be at his place before lunch to pick up Lizzy.

After I hang up, I begin to worry about Mac. She didn't get any sleep last night and then she travelled all morning. I hope that she got home ok. I know Mac didn't want us to connect again but I need to know that she got home ok. I guess if I text her she can always ignore it or text back.

'Did you get home ok?' is all I ask.

There is nothing back and, no matter how much I stare at my fucking phone, there continues to be nothing back.

Frustrated, I strip off my shirt, tighten my shorts and dive into the water. When I surface, I start swimming and keep swimming until I begin to feel fatigued. I tread water for a bit to get my wind back and realize I'm almost in the middle of the lake. When my breathing is normal again then I swim back to the shore. Sam barks at me when I climb up the ladder to the dock again. She knows better than to jump in herself from the dock but hates being left behind. I use my shirt to drive off a bit before picking up my phone. There is nothing from Mac. Fuck.

The only person I know who can help me find out which plane she was on and if it landed ok is Pat but my agent is on the west coast more than four hours behind us. I'm going to have to wait I guess. Suddenly I'm simply exhausted and drop back down to the Adirondack chair. Memories flash back from the past few days. Every morning I'd come out here and Mac would be sitting in this exact chair, sipping coffee and patting Sam. I was surprised to learn that Mac feels the same way I do about the lake and the surroundings. It is calming and rejuvenating at the same time. We both relax and draw energy from it.

Suddenly I have an ocean of regrets for the past year. I've hurt Mac in so many ways and over and over. I didn't think I could sink to a new low after that night, on the road, in her hotel room. The look of pain on her face was the worst thing I have ever caused another human being. That is until last night. Last night she looked destroyed. There is no other way to describe it. What did she say? Oh yeah, she said that she didn't lie to me. She didn't tell me she loved me out of self-preservation. I'm so scared that I earned her need for self-preservation too well.

I can finally admit that Mac is the only woman that I have ever, truly been in love with and I fucked it up. I'm fucked up so how could Mac remain unscathed while knowing me? One of the things from last night that has remained with me, swirls in my brain still, is when Mac told me it was a 'cop out' and that I didn't need to hurt her? Is she right? If there is anything that is right in that statement then how am I ever going to show Lizzy how to love and be in a loving relationship? I learned everything I did from my parents. They have been together or thirty years so I've had a great example of a loving relationship. Maybe it is me.

I'm more confused now than I think at any point in my entire life. Not even becoming a dad overnight confused me this much. There is only one person who can help me. No matter what I do with my future, I need to figure this out, for my daughter.

I use the speed dial on my phone and hope that she's available. Relief floods through me when she picks up the phone.

"Hi Sid."

"Hi Paula. Can you meet me in Hamilton this weekend? I'm going to be in Ontario to film a commercial and I really need to talk to you."