[Richard McGuiness] "Welcome to the Vault Hunters Wanted series! Where the DLCs are longer than the original and the men only get manlier when they cry!"
[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "You really aren't going to let that 'men cry' comment die, will you?'
[Richard McGuiness] "Fuck no! Too few people realize that and it pisses me off every time I hear some self-righteous jerk-off saying that men don't cry."
[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Well keep it up. I could give a shit less since I cry all the time without shame. It's no big deal."
[Richard McGuiness] "Well you don't even identify gender roles you pansexual jizztoaster."
[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Fair enough."
Doctor Suture sharpened one of his scalpels with a small stone, his face blank as the sparks flew across his eyes. He had done this so many times he wasn't even fazed by the notion that one slip would mean a severed artery or punctured eye, preferring instead to see such accidents as early surgery he would probably perform on his body. He did this activity when something was bothering him, which was exactly the case at the moment.
Someone opened the door to his room, and since the person did so without knocking he assumed it was Katelyn. This was confirmed by the womanly laugh he heard, startling him sharply. It was pure laughter caused from, which no other laughter can even compare to in this world.
"I've…I've never heard her laugh," he thought sadly. "It's…a beautiful noise."
Katelyn entered the room and began changing, something that made him immediately blush and turn. Normally such a thing never would've bothered him at all, but the revelation he had gotten from Aurai had made such gestures of his nurse far less innocent in his mind. He did catch a glimpse of her changing though, and he had to mentally smack himself for doing so.
"Pervert," he insulted at himself. "You finally notice that Katelyn has an aesthetically pleasing body. You are an idiot and a pervert."
He thought critically at that moment. "But what makes her so appealing? The wide birthing hips, the large milk-bearing breasts, the sturdiness of her legs…damn it why am I thinking of this like a science question?! Normal people don't do that! Or do they? Hmm, never gave it much thought…why am I still thinking useless data in my head right now?!"
"So Doctor, what are you doing?" inquired the Nurse slipping into her lap coat easily, tightening the sash around her waist to keep it in place. She popped over at the table, noting how it was full of sharpening equipment. "Oh, maintenance. I'd recommend sharpening Knife 8 a bit more, it appears a little dull. Also Knife 6 has a serrated edge, so Stone 3 should be necessary for it."
He had been too busy staring at her to notice a single thing she was saying, his eyes wide. He was staring at her beautiful mahogany eyes that sparkled as she spoke to him. Her thick red lips covered in lipstick that spoke words that cut his reason to ribbons. It was amazing he had never noticed this before, especially considering how casually close Katelyn was to him, as her shoulder was touching his shoulder not-so-subtly in a way that made him immediately notice.
"Why am I like this?" he wondered quietly, trying not to raise his blood pressure too high from this. "Oh, right. I know she's infatuated me. That would make anyone nervous. But how is she so easily able to hide this part of herself? My blood pressure has escalated to an unhealthy high and I'm the target of infatuation. Damn it I hate these emotions. I wish I could just perform surgery to remove them, but I have been unable to find the basis of these emotions in any organ system. Curse my inability to kill my emotions."
He gulped loudly, trying not to swallow his tongue in doing so. "Nurse Katelyn…I…I uh…need your advice in something."
"Of course," replied the nurse casually, still hovering against his shoulder.
"Uh…you see…" He was so nervous he couldn't even form sentences, mostly because he had reached the middle of Shit-Creek and he lost his paddle.
He turned rapidly away from her, hoping the lack of her visual presence would make it easier for him to spit it out. "I have been doing research for Baldemar and Gaige and I must ask how most couples begin their first date with specific code phrases and such things for this research to be successful!"
He took a deep inhale, fearful that she would see through his comment like plastic wrap.
Katelyn paused, gazing at him oddly. "Well…that's a….interesting subject of research. But I guess you know what you're doing. Most couples start by saying things like: 'Will you go out with me?' or 'Would you like to see a movie with me?' or the like. It's mostly just questions to initiate social interaction on a more private scale if that helps at all."
"It did help actually," thought the surgeon quietly. He decided to act on this new information. He turned around, took a deep puff, looked her dead in the eyes, and said, "Katelyn, will you go out with me?"
The nurse stopped for a good ten seconds, her eyes wide. Then she smiled and clapped once. "Perfect! You got the imitation down exactly right! That is exactly how someone would ask another person on a date, right down to the blush on your face and held breath! Now that you got the idea down, I'll just leave you to your research."
"But wait I…!"
The nurse walked out of the room, leaving the surgeon completely hanging. He sighed deeply, mostly out of frustration.
"Damn it all," spat Suture rubbing the side of his head. "I am so emotionless she couldn't even recognize that I was really asking her out on a date. I really need to work on…uh…something that makes me more emotional."
Saprus sipped a small glass of white wine casually, relaxing in his favorite chair in the Vault Hunter Quarters aboard the Crimson Falcon. He had claimed this chair as his own, a leather Laze-E-Boy with armrests and a cup holder. It was perfect in every sense of the word, in his eyes anyway.
He kept reading the book in his lap, one of his favorites. Rites of Passage by William Golding, one third of a trilogy of good books he had read back in his schooling. Of course, being an old geezer meant he had some appreciation of the finer things in life.
[Richard McGuiness] "Who the fuck is Golding?"
[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Novelist, wrote Lord of the Flies. Kinda famous."
[Richard McGuiness] "Never heard of him."
[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Not surprised."
The infected looked up, noticing someone approaching him. It was Suture, who looked distressed. Or constipated, since the two tend to look very similar.
"Restroom's over there," stated Saprus pointing to his left. He didn't want to look up from the book; he had just gotten to the best part of the chapter.
The surgeon glanced at him oddly. "Pardon? I do not need the washroom."
The infected glanced up from his book. "Well then you need something from me. I can tell when a man needs help, and if the restroom doesn't help then I guess I have to."
Suture sat down in a chair next to him, extracting a chocolate rapidly. Hurriedly unwrapping the chocolate, he popped it into his mouth.
"The chocolate is not helping my nerves. This has gotten far too serious," murmured the surgeon shaking slightly, his nerves clearly shot to Hell.
"You appear…flustered," stated Saprus concerned. "You still stressing out about Aurai? She did forgive you, remember?"
"That's not it," replied Suture. "It's…well…my nurse Katelyn."
"You got her pregnant?"
"No!" snapped the surgeon defensively. "Why would you assume such a thing?"
"Well if you look stressed, and being a daddy is stressful…" explained Saprus shrugging. "How am I supposed to know what you two do in that operation room of yours?"
"For your information, I have never touched Katelyn. The problem is…well…Aurai said Katelyn was in love with me and…I have no idea what to do now. I needed some advice from someone older than me and…"
"There aren't many people older than you," concluded Saprus nodding slowly.
"Uh…yes. Alan has the maturity of a nine-year old and doesn't understand love, Wolfenstein doesn't care for relationships at all, and you're the only one left. I was hoping, in your experiences with Ms. Taika, you could help me with love."
The infected blushed crimson, his eyes wide. "…me and Taika aren't in a relationship."
"Really? Everyone says you two are."
"Like who?"
"Most of your old teammates. Dion, Baldemar, Alan, even Paula."
"I'm going to murder them," murmured Saprus inaudibly. "Either way, I can help you with your dilemma."
Suture breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank you. What should I do?"
"I am going to ask you one question, one that has helped me in all of my decisions ever. It is invaluable advice, handed down from my family for years."
The surgeon began to get slightly excited. Old advice was usually the best, since if it gets passed down for so long it tends to be at least partially valid. This didn't apply to science or mathematics in most regards, but philosophical matters usually remained similar no matter the age.
"The average life expectancy of most people nowadays is about 75 years, give or take depending upon certain factors like disease or getting shot in the face. That's about 900 months, or 10800 weeks, or 75600 days, or 1814400 hours, or 108864000 minutes, or even more specifically 2365200000 seconds."
"What's the point in listing all those numbers? And are you typing that into a calculator as you're speaking?"
The infected tossed his mobile phone aside, the source of his calculations. "Ignoring that detail, of all 2365200000 of those seconds, why would you spend a single one of them hesitating?"
The surgeon paused, mulling that speech over in his mind. "Despite the oddity of what you just said, it does have a grain of truth in it."
"Most parables are weird chunks of hallucinogen-fueled speeches. But some of them do mean something."
Suture nodded, biting his thumb nail deeply. "Yes…I see…"
He stood up confidently. "If that is the case, I will no longer spend one more second waiting. I am going to tell Katelyn how I feel." He began to walk off, moving with fluidity and strength.
"Wait!" exclaimed Saprus panicking. "I didn't mean that!" He sighed, noticing how the surgeon was completely ignoring him. "Well shit. That was probably the wrong advice to give him."
The infected shrugged and sipped his wine. "Oh well. Not my problem anyway. Time to get back into the book."
Suture marched confidently through the halls, his mind made up for once on something besides chocolate. His eyes were cold steel, his fists tight at his sides. For once, he kinda looked normal in a way. He had no hunch in his back, no laziness in his eyes or even looseness in his arms. Funny how such a thing like love trigged such a side effect.
"You are a strong confident doctor, you are a strong confident doctor," he chanted quietly to boost his confidence. His palms were sweating rivers onto his pants legs, something he noted with disdain, and his heart felt like it was trying to fracture his ribcage. He would have to replace it if it kept up its rebellious streak. "You have two PhDs, you have written three certified books for the field of science, and you make a killer chocolate soufflé. You have this in the proverbial bag."
He entered the rec room of the Vault Hunter Quarters and noted that Katelyn was calmly chatting away with Gaige, Paula and Tina. He swore and ducked behind the corner.
"Why do females always huddle into social packs whenever they are outside?" asked the surgeon aloud. "This behavior is so primitive and yet they do so like it is a common occurrence. What's more, this makes it far more difficult to ask Katelyn out for a date."
He took a deep breath, rubbing his temples. "It is no use. I must get this off my chest before I rupture a heart valve."
He walked forward, his fists behind his back to disguise his tension. He didn't smile, since he barely knew how unless he was legitimately excited, and he still that straight posture from before had. He really hoped he wasn't too intimidating or condescending in his manner towards her. As he approached, he overheard tidbits of conversation currently flying between the four females, which he unintentionally listed to and noted without thinking.
"So how is Baldemar?" asked Tina leaning against her chair, her eyes wide with curiosity. "You have enough fun riding that disco stick or you gonna keep dancing some more?"
Gaige laughed quietly, grinning mischievously. "Well I have had a lot of fun. But at the moment I'm just hanging out with him. You know, the usual: watching Game of Thrones, playing drinking games, having lazy sex every now and again. It's a lot of fun actually. We take a shot of liquor whenever a character dies, and we take a shot of something else when two characters have sex. We're very busy."
"I can only imagine," murmured Paula dryly. "Honestly, if you keep this up Baldemar's joystick is gonna take level down if you catch my drift."
"Well he doesn't seem to mind too much," argued the schoolgirl.
"Course not girl!" exclaimed Tina. "No one would mind bashing that moneymaker you're armed with. I bet you need a concealed weapons permit just to wear shorts!"
Katelyn glanced around at them oddly, her face puzzled. "…are you all talking about sex?"
"Completely!" yelled Tina grinning widely. "It's our favorite subject!"
[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Tell us more…"
[Richard McGuiness] "Shut up! I'm trying to listen…"
"Seriously, you need to catch up with the times," stated Paula. "If you keep hanging out with Suture, you're gonna go schizoid on us. Which would suck, since you're the fourth girl we needed in our little group. Taika is too busy making out with Saprus in private, Maya does the same shit with Krieg, and Lilith's our boss so we can't hang out casually with her."
"What about the one known as Mad Moxxi?" inquired Katelyn curiously. "She seems to be a social creature."
"Are you crazy?" asked Gaige casually. "If we invited Moxxi, we'd have a bunch of dudes lapping around and drooling over us when we talk. Don't get me wrong, I like Moxxi personally. I just like being away from the guys every once in a while and she's a dude magnet."
"Amen to that," stated Paula raising an imaginary glass.
"Fuck yeah!" snapped Tina loudly. "You have NO idea how freaking annoying Mel is! I want to deck his ass so hard, but he likes it when I do that! Last week he sent me flowers. FLOWERS!?"
"…that's actually kinda sweet," argued the artist.
"Yeah, I agree," added the schoolgirl. "He's trying to impress you."
"Yeah, but FLOWERS?!"
"Boys are stupid," explained Gaige confidently, having immense experience in the matter. "Believe me, all boys have the same habit of listening to other boys on what they should do with girls, which is a very stupid idea. If a boy wants to know what to do, he should ask a girl for advice. It's the smartest idea."
"My approach was clearly incorrect," noted Suture quietly. "I must act upon this new information."
He reached their group and all of them stopped, turning their heads to look at him.
"Whoa, what's shaking handsome?" asked Gaige grinning widely. "I've heard a lot about the mad doc running around our ship, besides Zed anyway. You're a lot cuter than I thought."
"Cute? He's a boy and he's icky!" snapped Tina defensively. She puffed at him and crossed her arms. "But you are Aurai's Daddy, so I have to be respectful. So…hi."
"You still annoy me," warned Paula sternly. "I'm not taking any cocktails you make, even if I'm dying of thirst."
Katelyn glanced at him, her eyes curiously. "Oh? Doctor Suture, do you require me?"
"No," he stated blankly, trying to disguise his intentions. "I need to talk to your companion Gaige."
The schoolgirl smiled. "I'm taken handsome. Already got something going for me."
"I need your input for an important study of mine," explained the surgeon quickly. It wasn't a lie, but it was a very broad truth instead.
Gaige sighed. "Fine. Be right back."
They walked off into the hallway, where Gaige turned to him and grinned widely.
"So, when you gonna ask Katelyn out?"
Suture stopped dead. "How did you…?"
"Saprus texted me."
"That nuisance," spat the surgeon quietly. "Either way, I supposed that saves me a lot of time. You understand the situation?"
"I understand that you're a sociopathic nihilist who doesn't understand his own emotions."
"Well…that is slightly harsh…"
"And you clearly don't understand human interaction and you have been living alone without intimacy for nearly fifty years of your life without once going outside that shell to actually reach someone. No doubt this resulted in introversion and pride that makes it hard to admit that you need anyone else because of constantly living alone. And your sex life is probably nonexistent, so that raises a whole new set of problems…"
"I get the point," he interrupted bluntly. "What do I do?"
Gaige chuckled. "Heh, so eager to get this over with. Well, I'd recommend just walking over and asking her out on a date. Try to be casual, and don't be a douchebag."
"That's not helpful," he stated blankly.
"Hey, what else you want? A manual? Picture instructions? No one got anywhere without taking a little risk."
Suture nodded. "Indeed. That is perfectly logical. If that is the case, I am ready."
"Go get her tiger," cheered Gaige clapping him on the back.
They walked back into the room, the surgeon hoping against hope this would work. He was not used to putting his neck on the line for anything, being a scientist. He wanted data on top of data before acting on anything, something that made him a very good research and combatant but a horrible social person.
"Yo Katelyn, Suture's got something to say to ya," stated Gaige pointing to the surgeon.
The nurse glanced at her superior curiously, her eyebrow raised. "What is it Doctor?"
He gulped, trying to keep his panic down. Her eyes were boring into his skull, or at least it felt like it. He wanted to scream out in frustration, but he decided there was a smarter thing to do at the moment. Opening his mouth, he spoke the most logical sentence he could fathom to get his point across.
"Katelyn, I wish to partake in a social interactivity with you this evening," he said rapidly, spitting out the words like vomit to make them easier to go. He mentally smacked himself at the utter stupidity of the statement he had just spoken. It sounded like a technical manual's description of a date and not what a normal person would say.
"Wow, nice job geek-wad," jested Gaige.
"Ew, did he ask you out on a date?" asked Tina crinkling her nose. "That's gross!"
Katelyn was staring at him wide-eyed, her mouth agape slightly. It appeared that his statement had stunned her, which he had anticipated as a primary reaction to begin with. She looked away and blushed slightly, putting her hand up to her lips. "Well…uh…"
Paula was practically crying now, her smile wide. "Oh my God this is so cute! You're so nervous Suture, you're blushing like a tomato!"
He shook his head, trying to clear the blush from his face. "You are mistaken woman."
"And you too Katelyn! You're both so…"
Gaige tackled the artist, knocking her to the floor. "Shut up! They haven't done anything yet! Tina, hold her legs before she kills the moment again!"
"Right!" replied the young girl grappling her friend a bit too eagerly around the legs.
Suture rolled his eyes at the show going on before him. These females reacted in such dramatic and flamboyant ways to everything that it concerned him slightly.
"Yes!"
They all turned, glancing at Katelyn.
The nurse blushed slightly, tucking her head down. "I'll go on a…social interactivity…with you Suture. When should I show up and where?"
His mind went blank. She had actually said yes. He had not anticipated such a result. Now he was standing there drowning in Shit Creek without a paddle.
Gaige threw a hammer at him and he rapidly woke up back to reality. "Uh…seven this evening at the cafeteria I suppose."
Katelyn smiled gently, still blushing fiery red. "Great! I'll…uh…see you then I suppose?"
"…okay."
He walked off hurriedly, already trying to plan on what he was going to do. As soon as he was outside the room, he began to talk to himself.
"I did not plan this far ahead," he murmured biting his thumb. "What should I do? I am going to need some practical suggestions on this. Time to go to the ECHOnet."
[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Because all of your problems can be solved with the ECHOnet!"
[Richard McGuiness] "ECHOnet, WD-40 and duct tape."
[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Exactly the point!"
[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Okay, time for the next edition of Q & A! This time we got several questions from one user, a certain JcD325. First question, paraphrased, is 'I feel you should focus a little bit more on Saprus'. Hmm, that's a pretty legit thing."
[Richard McGuiness] "Yeah, but the problem is we don't want to make any one guy our favorite. I mean, Saprus is one of the fan favorite OCs, behind Aurai of course, but focusing only on him would be catering to the masses and shit like that. Besides, how else will we be able to make any of the other characters more interesting, like Dion or Alan?"
[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Good point Rich. Next question, 'I think you should put Masher on the protagonist's side'…I'm not sure our fans would let us do that after what Masher did to Aurai."
[Richard McGuiness] "Doubtful. I mean, what the fuck was up with that church shit? That was just messed up in every way. Masher's irredeemable. At best, we could make him a neutral character. Though we did have plans to keep him for a while after this DLC…"
[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Well don't spoil it too much. Next question is, 'Josef Muller said something about Brick, using his blood as a form of enhancers for his men, maybe you can use that?'. You did your research if you remembered that, since I think it was from the base story. Uh…we can't spoil that actually."
[Richard McGuiness] "Yeah, it's a plot point believe it or not. Pretty damn good one considering what happens later in the story."
[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Yep. Next question: 'For Brick's memory's sake. I suggest you bring in some more OCs linked to the past of the first and second generation Vault Hunters (Brick's sister, Axton's wife, Brother Harper, etc.)'. While that is a good idea, the problem with that is the fact that most NPCs from the character's pasts are nowhere near Pandora or Eden-66 and probably don't want to associate themselves with the Vault Hunters anymore."
[Richard McGuiness] "Totally. I mean, could you imagine being the wife of Axton? That would suck so much dick having to suck the dick of that chain-smoking lazy-ass."
[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "I wouldn't mind."
[Richard McGuiness] "Of course you wouldn't. Just read the next question George Te-gay."
[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Fine. Okay, here's the next question: 'Maybe you should put a fight scene involving the CEO's and I think Bandit should Also have a CEO'. That actually sounds kinda cool."
[Richard McGuiness] "Well the first part probably won't happen. The CEOs got too much to risk in their business to directly fight each other, even if you got badass bodyguards like Anshin has with Kin and Mai. That second part does make a lot of sense though. Think about it, the Bandits are selling their weapons around the galaxy, so it only makes sense for them to have a CEO in charge of parts of that. Hmm…I don't think we can spoil that one either, can we Scott?"
[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Nope."
[Richard McGuiness] "Well sorry mates, but our producer gets bitchy when we spoil stuff, so no go. But we are taking the ideas into consideration."
[Scotty "Roundhouse" Dale] "Totally. Thanks for the questions and keep dropping more for us to consider! This is another entry of Q & A, signing off!"
