Title: One Hand, One Heart
Rating: T
Warning- indirect mention of rape.
Summary: Rachel Berry never saw it coming. But then it happened. Now, alone and frightened she tries to continue with normal life. Then she meets a certain, curly haired boy. And everything changes.
Disclaimer: Obviously I do not own Glee, if I did Jesse would still be there and St. Berry would be alive and kicking. But he isn't. From this we can conclude that I don't own Glee.
xxx
It was Mr Shue who found her in the end. He had popped into the choir room to check some notes before glee club that afternoon and found Rachel bent over herself on her chair, almost convulsing with the force of her sobs. After skating around her for a moment, looking uncertain, he had perched himself on a chair beside her and reached out a hesitant hand to touch her shoulder gently.
"Rachel?" He asked, softly. "What's the matter? Are you hurt?"
She shook her head, although the pain in her chest was ripping through her more and more as each second passed.
"Maybe I should go and get Miss Pillsbury or-"
"Mr Schue?" Quinn's angelic head peered around the doorframe, her ponytail bouncing as she hurried further in. "Rachel!" In a moment she was at the girl's side, cradling her and holding her close, shushing her gently.
"It's okay… whatever it is… it's okay…" Quinn hugged her tightly, holding the smaller girl's shivering frame in her arms, as if she might break. She cast Mr Schue a quizzical glance but was met with only complete confusion.
"Perhaps I should go and get Jesse…" The teacher offered, unsurely and both jumped at the sob that was torn from Rachel, loud and penetrating and raw. The girl's trembling heightened and she whimpered lowly into Quinn's shoulder as the sobs increased.
"Kurt, go and get Kurt." Quinn instructed him and, under the younger girl's unusually firm expression, Mr Schue hurried away.
"Rachel," Quinn gently prompted her to stand and take a few staggering steps towards the piano bench, where they could sit next to each other more easily. "Rachel, tell me what happened. Are you hurt?"
Rachel just buried her head further into the crook of Quinn's shoulder and Quinn could feel the warm liquid of her tears trailing across her collarbone. Sighing, she held Rachel close, deciding that the girl was obviously in no position to talk to her.
"Quinn?" Looking up, Quinn gestured to Kurt to come and sit beside Rachel. The boy abandoned his bag to the floor and sat beside them hurriedly, his pale face crumpled in concern. "What happened?" He placed a tentative hand around Rachel's shoulders, rubbing his hand up and down her bare forearm, which had come out in goosebumps.
"I don't know," Quinn had never had a close friendship with the boy beside her, but for now, she would have to work around that. "I found her like this and I'm thinking that we should just let her cry it out."
"Is she ever going to stop?" Kurt eyed Rachel, digging out a handkerchief from his pocket and pressing it into her hands. "Here you go honey."
Rachel mopped at her eyes, her trembling reducing a little as she hiccoughed and spluttered through her tears.
"Rachel?" Quinn glanced down at her. "Are you hurt?"
Rachel shook her head, hiccoughing again and Quinn breathed a sigh of relief.
"Okay, then will you tell us what happened? We might be able to help?" Kurt offered quietly.
Rachel nodded slowly, tears still pouring down her face in what seemed to be an endless stream and Quinn knew that she would probably have an awful headache the next day. Reaching into the bag by her feet, she brought out a regulation Cheerios water bottle and passed it to Rachel, who took a few swigs.
Finally, she managed to say, leaning into Kurt as Quinn put her bottle away.
"Jesse… he… he broke up with me."
"He what?" Quinn frowned, moving away and trying to look at Rachel fully. "He broke up with you?"
"He said," Her voice was soft and broke occasionally as she spoke. "He said that he couldn't deal with the arguing… all of the worry and the blame. He said that I blamed everything on him! I do not!"
Her two friends were silent and she pulled away to face them indignantly. "I do not!" Sh repeated, scowling at them.
"Well… you don't really like him being around with Krissy," Kurt twisted his hands around each other nervously, eyeing her.
"I have every right! When he leaves me to defend myself alone!"
"You can't always expect him to be there Rachel," Quinn argued, a little more strongly and Rachel stood, turning on her heel to face the pair, anger burning in her eyes.
"I just want a good boyfriend! One who's supportive and tells me the truth!"
"Rachel," Kurt's voice was a little harder, dry sarcasm coating his tone beneath the tender concern for his friend. "Jesse is an excellent boyfriend."
"How would you know Kurt?" Rachel demanded, stamping her foot furiously. "You've never had a boyfriend!"
Kurt's mouth fell open at the stinging comment and Quinn rounded on Rachel.
"Rachel! Don't talk to him like that! Jesse is a good boyfriend, you can't blame all of this on him!"
"You're on his side!" The diminutive brunette exploded, glaring at them, her breaths coming short and sharp, her rounded stomach heaving. "You don't care about me! Well I don't need any of you! Not you two and not Jesse St James!"
Turning, the girl stormed from the room, the door slamming so hard that it shook the frame.
Xxx
Finn Hudson didn't claim to know much about girls. Not about, like, their feelings and stuff anyway. He knew about girls and the sort of things he'd like to do with them, but when it came to the weird and random emotions of a teenage girl, the football player was at a loss.
But when Rachel Berry came marching up to him in the middle of the corridor and kissed him firmly on the lips, leaning back to say "I want you Finn", he wasn't about to question it.
So now, he wasn't quite sure where he stood. He hadn't seen the girl in question since her startling announcement and, as he walked down the corridors of McKinley High School, he didn't quite know if he was single, or taken.
"Finn?" Turning, he smiled a little at his step-brother. Kurt was alright, in a strange sort of way. Sure, he liked dressing in scarves in the summer and Finn could almost always hear some girl singer wailing loudly from his room, but when Finn was sick, Kurt made him waffles and hot milk in bed, so that made him pretty cool in Finn's mind.
"Oh hey dude," Finn addressed the younger boy, looking down at him. "What's up?"
"Have you seen Rachel anywhere?" Kurt shifted his brown, leather satchel on his shoulder, looking anxious.
"Not today no, I saw her yesterday though."
"Oh? When?" Kurt looked up at him, again, his gaze intense.
"Uh, I dunno, after lunch? She was acting… weird. Weirder than normal."
"How so?" Kurt pressed him.
"She asked me out… I think."
"She what?" Kurt burst out, his mouth falling open in shock. "She did what? What did you say?"
"Well… I said yeah. Duh." Finn eyed the younger boy curiously.
"What? Finn no! You have to tell her you won't go out with her!"
"Why would I do that?" Finn's mouth quirked a little. "If she's finally got over St. Jerk then I'm gonna totally like, take advantage of that and stuff."
Turning, the older boy strode away before his step-brother could persuade him any more than he already had.
It was quite a while until Finn saw Rachel again and he was surprised to see that she, while still being angry as she was the day before, was a little more subdued and quiet.
"Hey Rache," He approached her slowly through the darkness of the auditorium.
"Hey Finn," She put down the sheet music that she was looking at and walked towards him, climbing down the steps from the stage to join him in the stalls of the auditorium. "I didn't expect to see you here." She shifted from one foot to the other, awkwardly.
"What were you doing?" Finn gestured to the stage that she had just vacated.
"Just looking through a few things for glee club," She waved away his inquiries and looked up at him, her eyes hard and strange, unlike he'd ever seen them before. Everything about her, from the way she was dressed in a dark , reserved, cotton dress, to the hard set of her mouth, were so very un Rachel that Finn was a little wary. He half wished he had listened to what Kurt had had to say because this person in front of him was definitely not the Rachel he knew. "Have you thought about what I said yesterday?"
He looked up at her, unsure and said, slowly, "Well… I… yeah." He managed finally.
"What do you think then?" She moved closer, so that he could smell the soft, girly smell that he automatically associated with her.
"About… you being my girlfriend?" He wasn't quite sure what she was trying to say and he guessed the best way to go about it was to check everything before he jumped to conclusions.
"Yes Finn, and I'd be yours again." She reached out and ran a hand up and down his letterman jacket clad arm, softly.
"You wanna be my girlfriend? You broke up with St James?" He stepped closer, his heart beginning to race at the thought of having her back again… the look on St James' face when he walked back into glee club with her…
"Yes Finn." He missed the desperate plea hidden inside her voice and smiled dorkily.
"Okay. I mean- sure! That sounds great!"
She smiled a small smile in return and he faltered for a second.
"So, are you like, my girlfriend now?"
Leaning forward, she pressed her lips firmly against his, her hands gripping his arms hard as she reached up on her tip toes. He embraced her in return, relishing the taste of her again. She didn't taste quite the same as he remembered, but that wasn't about to bother him that much. Not when she was his again.
Xxx
Rachel Berry had rarely felt like this before. She'd felt pain before, and anger, definitely anger, But heart break was something she was completely unaccustomed to. Never, not once, had she felt such a terrible, heart wrenching pain as she felt then. It was like someone had ripped a part of her away and there was an awful pit of guilt and shame and anger welling up inside of her. But beneath it all, there was an undercurrent of such a soul searing sadness that she was barely even able to breathe when it overcame her. There were times, late that night and the nights that followed, that she lay in bed in the dead of night with tears pouring down her face. She would fall asleep crying and her cheeks would still be wet when she awoke. Her fathers were at a complete loss. They had no idea what had happened and every time they so much as tried to ask, she clamped up like a clam, refusing to even look at them. Eventually they let it go, but there was no way she could miss the concerned glances they threw her way.
Ignoring the sadness was easier, Rachel realised, when she tried to focus on something else. Namely: her anger. No, anger wasn't strong enough. Fury was more like it. And that was why she had gone back to Finn. She told herself that she had always wanted Finn, that Finn was a safer option than Jesse, that she had really belonged to Finn the whole time. After all, the relationship she had had with Jesse was surely a ruse. Concocted by a mother who refused to support her choices. Shelby must have been responsible for pushing Jesse into her life, despite what they said. She repeated this to herself as she strode through the corridors of McKinley High School.
Word travelled fast and it wasn't long before people began to look at her strangely, whispering to each other as she went past. No one touched her, thankfully, but she could feel the stares and curled in on herself, hoping to ignore them.
Glancing up momentarily, she froze as she caught sight of Jesse, standing beside his locker. She went to turn away quickly, as a flush spread over her cheeks, but he looked up and met her gaze and she felt herself flush deeper, the sad expression in his eyes making her want to curl up in a ball somewhere and cry herself into exhaustion.
"Hey Rache," Distracted, she turned and saw that Finn was stood beside her, grinning. Quickly composing herself, she gave him a weak smile and took hold of his offered hand. A sharp gasp came from behind her and she felt a strange sort of vindictive pleasure flood through her as she walked away from him with Finn's hand held in hers, feeling his stare burning into the back of her neck.
"Hey Finn," She returned his greeting.
"I wanted to talk to you actually Rache," He looked a little awkward and she frowned a little, nodding and following him as he lead her towards the empty locker room. She cringed a little, wrinkling her nose at the smell that lingered even when the football players were not in the room. She allowed herself a little curiosity as she took in the room around her. It was quite light, with red, the school colour, splashed around in various places. At first glance it seemed pretty clean but as she looked closer she spotted the dirt on her floor, the plaster, wet from the showers and, to her disgust, a used condom lying beneath a bench. It occurred to her that if Jesse had wanted to talk he would most likely have taken her to the auditorium, where he knew she was most comfortable, but she pushed the thought aside quickly.
"Sit down," He gestured to the bench beside them and she followed his gaze, wrinkling her nose again when she saw that it was still wet. Slowly, cautiously, she lowered herself down, cupping her stomach with her hand.
"What did you want to talk about?" She expected him to sit beside her, but he stayed on his foot, towering over her in his letterman jacket.
"I'm totally down with us going out again Rache, but I know I'm gonna get some stick from the guys. So I was hoping you could like, you know, cut down on the drama and stuff?"
"What kind of stuff?" Her voice was cautious, unsure.
"You know, the weird stuff. All of the answering questions in class thing and things like that."
"But…" Her brows furrowed.
"And, your clothes… see, I love the owl jumpers and stuff right Rache, but they're kinda conspicuous and stuff, y' know, about the…" He gestured towards her stomach vaguely and she felt a hot flush run through her as she ran her hand protectively over her stomach.
"I'm not trying to hide anything Finn." Her voice was quiet and he shrugged off her protests.
"Well, y' know, just go with something a little like… baggier. And your skirts Rache, they're way too short. I don't want other guys gawping at you."
She blinked up at him in shock and he smiled at her.
"I knew you'd get it, I'm just protecting you."
"I was trying to protect you!"
She flinched as the similar words rang through her head.
"You want me to… change my clothes?"
"And other stuff," Hr grinned at her. "Come on Rachel, you know I have a reputation to protect."
"I… okay." She shrugged with resignation.
"Okay, I'll see you soon then." Turning, he strode from the room and left her sitting there. Sighing heavily, she buried her head in her hands and tried to hold back her sobs.
Xxx
The next two days of glee rehearsals were noticeably awkward for everyone involved, so much so that even Mr Schue seemed to feel the effect the three students were having on his club. It was like there was a static running between Rachel and Jesse, who sat on opposite sides of the room and barely looked at each other throughout the full hour. Finn seemed pretty oblivious to the goings on although he did shoot a few poorly disguised insults towards Jesse and draw Rachel closer under his arm.
The pair seemed content to ignore each other which didn't suit Mr Schue very well because they were meant to be the leads in his most recent number for Nationals. Being professionals, they still sang and danced perfectly with each other, but they barely looked at each other, exchanging glances and touching only when the choreography deemed it necessary.
It was during a rehearsal, around two thirds of the way through, on Friday afternoon, when the two of them finally cracked. They had been dancing seamlessly when Finn stumbled into Jesse from behind, making him knock into Rachel, forcing him to catch her before she fell.
"Watch where you're going, you oaf." Jesse snapped, scowling at Finn and releasing Rachel quickly.
"Don't talk to me like that," Finn stepped forward, towering over him.
"Why don't you watch it, then I wouldn't need to, would I?" Jesse retaliated, facing up to him firmly.
"What's your problem dude? Jealous maybe?" Finn smiled mockingly and Jesse's hands clenched into fists at his sides.
Before Jesse could reply, Mr Schue jumped hurriedly between them, breaking the silence by saying. "Finn, cool off, Jesse, maybe you need to take a break?"
"Fine," Turning to Rachel, Jesse grabbed her hands as the club dispersed, muttering, throughout the room. "I need to talk to you."
"Let go of her!" Finn turned on him, reaching out as if to tear her away from him, but Rachel stepped out of his reach.
"It's fine Finn," She argued softly and followed Jesse out of the room, where he shut the door firmly and led her down the corridor a little further, away from the peering eyes of New Directions.
"We always seem to end up out here," Jesse's dry comment was quiet and he dropped her wrist once he stopped. She leant back against the wall and regarded him through quiet eyes.
"What did you want me for?"
"What are you doing Rachel?" She bristled at his question, snapping.
"What exactly do you mean?"
"I mean what are you doing?" He observed her quietly and she tried to take hold of her temper, pushing it down.
"Elaborate." She told him, curtly.
"With Finn Rachel, what are you doing with Finn?" His voice rose suddenly and his hand ran through his curls, betraying his stress.
"Finn loves me. Finn wants me." She told him, angrily and he flinched a little.
"Really Rachel, that's what this is about? Petty revenge? I thought you were above that." He snapped, furiously. "We were on a break, Rachel. That not a break up. That's a break, to try and give ourselves a break."
"You wanted a break, not me." She retorted, bitterly. "I wanted everything to go back to normal but you wouldn't have that! Anyway, I'm with Finn now, so why does it matter?"
"It matters because Finn is bad for you!"
"What?"
"Look at you," He reached out and, before she could pull away, grabbed a handful of the fabric on her long, dark skirt. "And this?" He gestured to her baggy top and cardigan, all in either dark purples or grey. "This isn't you Rachel. This is him. I know for a fact that you hate that whole ensemble."
"I pick my own clothes, thank you very much!" She tore the fabric from his hands.
"Sure you do." The sarcasm in his voice was heavy and made her flinch slightly. "You can't even see your bump, it's like you're ashamed or something."
"I'm not ashamed." She bristled indignantly again.
"No, I know you're not, which is why this makes no sense! Unless…" He trailed off, looking down at her in complete horror. "Oh my God…"
"What?" She asked, uncertainly.
"He told you to, didn't he? He's the one who's ashamed." His face contorted with fury and he turned, growling out angrily. "I'm going to kill him."
"No, Jesse!" She reached out and grabbed onto his bicep, pulling him back and away from the door.
"How could you go along with this?" He demanded, hotly. "Why would you agree to something like this?"
"Finn loves me, okay? And I am my own person, I'm not Finn's, I'm not Shelby's and I'm definitely not yours!" Her voice rose to a yell that echoed off into the otherwise silent corridor.
"No," His voice was soft. "You're not mine. So tell me Rachel, why am I still here?"
"What?" She faltered over the word. "What do you mean?"
"Why am I still here? I only came for you. Sure, I like Kurt and Quinn and a few of the others, but this is nothing compared to Carmel. So why am I still here?" His voice was heavy with weariness and she stifled the urge to step forward and comfort him.
"I… Jesse…"
"You can't have it both ways Rachel. Tell me why I'm still here." He watched her, his eyes dark and penetrating, as she stumbled over her words.
"Do you know what?" He said finally. "Don't bother answering that. I think you already have." Turning, he stalked away down the corridors, his shoes clicking against the tiled floors.
Xxx
I'm sorry! Again!
I'm also sorry for the long wait for this chapter, I was just getting my breath back after exams and writing one shots which you can find on my tumblr page :) It's also St. Berry Week, so happy St. Berry Week everyone. You can also find St. Berry week on tumblr with lot of amazing St. Berry fics that aren't on fanfiction on .com and they're awesome so you should go check them out.
Thank you so much for reaching 700 reviews! It's just astonishing and I am completely awestruck and overwhelmed by the continued, amazing response I get to this fic. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, you really have no idea of how much this means to me.
Thank you to those who reviewed the last chapter: DizneyGirl76, thunderbolts-lightning (ERIKA I NEVER KNEW IT WAS YOU HEY BB), EmZ711, Guest, dazzledpixie88, likewow5556, Broadwayfreak5357, Soyli Oliveira, star2525, auhaes23, , MissRe, StBerry Lover24, mindlessbanta, nepheliad, TVHollywoodDiva, Kkaty and assgroff (hey shanny it was all caps locked again and that made me laugh)
Feel free to come and kick my ass about this chapter on tumblr, I probably deserve it to be honest, the amount of you who were 'killed' and 'sunk into a pit of despair' (Kkaty I loved that one). So yes, feel free to come moan at me for this, it's what I'm here for!
Leave me a review my lovelies, they make the sun shine and the flowers grow (honestly they do, forget fusion and sunlight, it's reviews).
I love you all very much!
~Ray
Xxx
PS. If any of you read the work of TalkingToTulips, she is currently locked out of her fanfiction account, but you can find her and her stories on livejournal.
PPS. I should be publishing my new St. Berry fic on Saturday, if all goes to plan, so look out for that!
