Chapter Fifty
"What you did was not easy. It was brave." –Christina Yang
Christina had been waiting for her best friend to return. For weeks… for months… It was beginning to feel like years. And it wasn't just the sudden vacation that had separated them. No, in reality, Meredith had been gone since that single awful moment back in the forest, when they'd found Mark crying, huddled next to poor Lexie. Sure, after that, Meredith had been able to perform surgeries and attend adorable charity baseball games. She'd made peace with her father, made her best effort with Mark, but she hadn't been the friend that Christina remembered. Her strength had ebbed, her moods had been all over the place. She'd been hurt… so, badly, badly hurt.
And so for once, Christina had forced herself not to lean on "her person." It had been difficult. She'd wanted so much to spill her own stories. Behind her normal hospital griping, she'd managed to hide a fresh layer of pain and frustration… despair even. Her work life sucked, her patients were constantly dying, and she would occasionally start crying out of the blue. But Meredith hadn't heard much about any of this. It hadn't really seemed fair to share such tales with someone who was already drowning in grief.
So Christina had left it alone.
They'd marched on... Maybe if they moved forward they wouldn't have to look back. That's what she'd told herself. Besides, who had the time anyway? There were always more patients and complications, more hospital drama… She figured that if she focused on the little things, just dug deep into the details of medical journals and stitching techniques then perhaps the outside world would drift away. It had worked before. Her career had always served as a sort of lifeline, a constant, steadying presence through Burke and George, through Izzie and Lexie… she'd embraced her job, particularly the most mundane tasks and found a little shelter in each gathering storm.
But honestly, it was no longer enough… because Meredith, she was the other constant in Christina's life, the one she had all too often taken for granted. She was happy that her friend had gotten away. Letting the hospital fade into the background, it was important for Meredith, necessary… No wound could heal when it was forever being reopened… But Christina's wounds were just as raw, if not quite as gaping. And she was desperate to talk to the one person who might understand.
And now Meredith was back… thank god.
Her person was back. She didn't have to do this alone anymore.
And the best part? Meredith seemed… better. Christina couldn't quite put her finger on how it had happened, what had brought this change about, but Meredith definitely had some light in her eyes again. She moved through the halls with a renewed sense of purpose.
I hope she doesn't hate me for this...
Christina knew that her next move was risky, that all of this progress could be undone in an instant. Threads could be pulled accidentally, ugly memories could flood back. Her simple request could release a huge, messy tidal wave of emotions. But she needed her friend again, desperately. She just couldn't take this next step by herself … She wasn't ready.
She needed her friend.
Christina leaned against the far wall of the locker room. Meredith hadn't even heard her come in. She was too preoccupied, sitting there on that bench. She was staring at something in her hand, a photo that Christina couldn't yet identify.
"Hey Mer..." she spoke up finally. She tried to put a bit more strength in her voice, tried not to sound so hesitant. "How are things going?"
If Meredith was surprised to see her, she certainly didn't show it. She simply turned and held up the photo she'd been examining.
"Lexie's birthday was today."
"Yeah..." Christina took a deep breath. "I know."
This had been on her radar for awhile. She'd been prepared to call her friend, to check on her, provide a virtual shoulder to cry on. But that was no longer necessary.
Of all the days…
The timing was… incredible… maddening… possibly bad… hopefully good.
"Derek gave this to me."
Meredith handed her the picture as Christina stepped forward. It was a photo of Meredith and Lexie laying down on a rock in the middle of the forest. They weren't looking at the camera or even each other. They were just gazing up at the sky, relaxed, happy even.
"He took it on our camping trip." A tiny smile appeared on her face. "The one with April and Avery… And Alex, he was there too."
Christina's eyebrows went up.
"The one where Lexie jumped in the lake?"
The words were out of her mouth before she could stop them. She instantly realized how insensitive she sounded. Afterall, that hadn't exactly been Lexie's finest hour. But Meredith's smile only grew as she took the photo back.
"That was the one."
She'd already folded a piece of tape in her hands and now she stood and pressed the photo against the wall of her locker. Christina had no doubt it would hang there for as long as Meredith continued to work at this hospital. At least in some small way, Lexie would be here with them... but more importantly, she would be here with Meredith. And maybe that would give her some peace.
Christina certainly hoped so. Because even if she didn't want to admit it she, herself was still searching for that.
Lexie hadn't been her family or even one of her close friends. But she had been her intern and she'd been in Christina's life for five long years. She'd been in their surgeries, she'd been at Meredith's house. She'd even attended Christina's wedding to Owen. Little Grey, Three, Lexipedia… she'd been everywhere. And the truth was, Christina still saw her, so many nights when she closed her eyes… She still saw the girl under the plane who knew she was dying.
I'll be right back...
Christina had said those words recognizing that there was a fifty-fifty chance that Lexie would be gone when she returned. A flip of the coin... and it hadn't gone their way. And so most nights, that pale, sweet face appeared in her dreams. And it made everything else seem so silly, so meaningless by comparison. Christina just wanted to do something that counted, something to balance out all the horror and gloom of the past couple months.
And today… this was it. This was her opportunity.
What she was about to ask Meredith… the request she'd been agonizing over for the past hour, she wasn't sure if it would help or hurt or do nothing at all. But Christina had to push forward. If she didn't, she might as well slink back to that forest.
"Mer..." She gently pulled her friend's attention away from the photo. She only had one shot at this. "Mer, there's a heart at Seattle Pres. We just got the call."
It was a call they'd been waiting several months for, the kind that sent eager murmurs through the hospital.
"And Grace Murray's next on the list."
It took a moment for that news to sink in, but Christina could see the change in Meredith's expression. She'd been happy, reminiscing about camping trips and fun-filled hours spent with her family, but now that happiness was magnified tenfold. Her affection for the Murray family had always been apparent. Even when she was gone, she'd called in to check on them.
"Did someone tell Jenn?" Meredith's cheeks turned pink with excitement. "Bailey said she's been really worried…"
"Yeah, I informed the family twenty minutes ago."
Christina had to dive into this next part fast. It was like ripping off a band-aid. It had to be done quickly, without hesitation.
"Armstrong's got a valve replacement this afternoon," she explained. "So he wants me to get the heart and bring it back here. But I'm gonna get the lead on it, Mer. I'm performing the surgery."
She tried to act pleased, hell maybe even cocky… but there was no way to really sell it. As expected, Meredith's smile slowly faded…
"You're getting the new heart?" she asked quietly.
"Yeah… I'm getting it."
Christina could see her friend swallowing. Her anxiety was painfully obvious. It had nothing at all to do with the actual surgery. Meredith trusted Christina implicitly and if anything, she'd be thankful to have her in that OR. No, the real issue was that other part of the job, the one they'd never even thought to worry about the previous year.
"And the heart's at Seattle Pres..." Meredith had figured it out, of course. She was well aware of mileage calculations, time constraints… "And I bet it's not being picked up by ambulance."
"No," Christina somehow managed to speak in a clear, steady tone. "We're going by helicopter."
Helicopter.
That was just one way of putting it. Meredith knew the other one, the one that was so much more terrifying.
"You're flying."
Christina nodded.
"I'm flying."
It felt like such an insane thing to say…
None of them had been up in the air, not since they'd come back to Seattle. Hell, Meredith and Derek had just taken a long, circuitous drive across the country just to avoid leaving the ground again. And Christina, even now, the thought of floating up near the clouds… it made her sick to her stomach.
She could remember sitting on that plane. And then the shaking had started… accompanied by so many noises… crashing and banging and tearing... And then she'd looked back and discovered that the seats behind her were gone. Lexie was gone. And she'd seen nothing but sky. No plane, no seats, no former intern… just ten shades of blue.
A helicopter... that was different. But it still required them to be up there, in that same bright blue sky.
"Owen doesn't think I should go," she said abruptly, wanting to break the horrible silence. "But I do…"
Meredith stared at her in disbelief. It was certainly hard to wrap her mind around this. Time had passed… but not enough. It would never really be enough.
"But Christina, are you sure?" she asked. "I mean are you really, really sure?"
"I can do it." She gave the most definitive nod she could muster. "I-I want to do it."
"You want to do it?"
"Yeah…" Christina's heart fluttered a little. She was suddenly desperate for her friend to grasp what she was saying. There were so many thoughts and emotions swirling inside of her and she had to get them out… finally. Finally. It was her turn.
"I just… I want to do it, Mer. That family deserves this heart and they deserve a surgeon who can go over and get it. And I know I can be that surgeon. I have to be that surgeon."
"Christina-"
"No, just hold on." She cut Meredith off, because this was the hard part, the part she had to get through before she lost her nerve. "I have to ask… I-I was gonna ask if maybe..." she trailed off and predictably the words got stuck in her throat. She'd been practicing them in her head, but it didn't matter. Her voice sounded hoarse as they reached her lips.
"Will you come with me?"
It was an enormous request… and that became all the more obvious as Meredith's eyes widened. She'd undoubtedly been surprised that Christina might fly, but this, this was even more shocking.
"You want me to go up there with you?"
"If you can," Christina said softly. "Mer, I need to do this."
"Why?" Meredith couldn't help but demand an answer. Normally she would follow Christina anywhere her friend might ask, but the sky… just the idea had set her hands trembling.
"Why on earth does it have to be you? Out of all the people in this entire hospital…"
"Because..." Christina searched for a response that seemed adequate. "Because it's for a patient I actually like. Because Dr. Armstrong actually asked me to do something. Me, Mer. The supposedly broken cardio surgeon-"
"You're not broken," Meredith murmured.
"But I feel broken." She threw up her hands in frustration. "And… I don't know… I mean, it's Lexie's birthday and something good should happen, right? Just one good thing in this entire freaking hospital."
Was that too much to hope for? They'd endured more than their fair share of life's cruelties. Why couldn't she have this? Why couldn't she save this one girl, this one family… suck it up and do the job she'd always loved?
"I'm tired of being scared," she lamented. "I lost all that time after the shooting. And I don't want to lose anything else."
Meredith gave her a small, understanding nod, but she still resembled a deer caught in headlights. She'd barely had a chance to adjust to the hospital again and now this… all this. A transplant, the helicopter…
Christina watched her carefully, waiting to see any further reaction... fear, anger, annoyance… But there was nothing yet. Meredith just stood there, curling her fingers into fists, then flexing them again, her brain struggling to make sense of Christina's request.
"You don't have to…" Christina was beginning to wonder if her friend would ever snap back to reality. "I get that it's a lot, especially today."
Especially today...
Meredith finally moved.
Ever so slowly, she glanced back at her locker, at the picture of her and Lexie. And for a second, Christina was convinced she'd refuse. It was Lexie's birthday for godsake and she was asking her best friend to fly. It seemed selfish, cruel even.
"We should do this," Meredith interrupted her thoughts. Her voice was near a whisper, but she cleared her throat and tried again. "We can-we should do this."
Christina let out a nervous laugh, nearly overcome with surprise… and joy. The emotional release hit her all at once and the next thing she knew her cheeks were wet with tears.
Meredith was back.
Her friend, the one she looked to for support, she had really returned.
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah." Meredith nodded emphatically. "Yeah. You're right. I'm sick of being sad and scared all the time. Let's do something good."
Christina smiled.
"Let's do something good."
Hi guys… well I received a pretty good response after the last chapter, so I decided to move forward again. Here's hoping you enjoy this one as well!
Anyway, I always planned to get back to the Murrays near the end of the book. Here's a story that affects both Meredith and Christina… Meredith, in that she so closely identifies with Jennifer and her concern over losing her own little sister and Christina in that this is a patient she's desperate to save, even as her bad luck streak continues. And here in the middle of what should be a celebration, comes a terrible obstacle… flying. I've heard that they dealt with this in the show (though I didn't see that part), but in the next chapter, you'll get to see how it all plays out here.
In addition, I wanted to get back to Christina and how she's been doing since the accident. She too had reason to be traumatized over the crash and what happened to her former intern. It's a simple reminder that Meredith wasn't the only one hurt and that other people are still trying to find their own way to heal.
Alrighty, so what do you think? Happy that we're coming back to some of these storylines? Glad to see the best friends reunited? Curious as to what happens next? Let me know! Hearing from you guys helps me keep going!
