January 12, 2068 (Alec, 78; Ellie, 51)
Alec drew a series of shallow, rattling breaths, and Magnus looked up at him, concern and pain written all over his face.
"Do you need a drink of water," he said softly, willing his voice to stay strong.
Alec nodded, and Magnus reached for the glass on the bedside table. He tipped it enough for Alec to take a sip, then returned it to the table.
Alec had already been visited by his family. Magnus could hear Clary and Ellie bustling about in the kitchen, talking in hushed tones. Isabelle and Simon had come and gone earlier, as had Will, Sami, and Max. Isabelle, Magnus thought, poor Isabelle. She had barely kept it together long enough to kiss her brother goodbye.
Magnus sat beside the bed, holding Alec's hand. Alec was so pale, more so than he had ever seen him. His face was thin; he had lost a lot of weight. But his eyes were still shining blue, and Magnus tried to focus on that.
"Magnus," Alec said weakly, "you are the best thing that ever happened to me."
Magnus drew Alec's hand to his mouth and gently kissed it. "You are the greatest love of my life."
"I wish I didn't have to leave you now," said Alec.
Magnus choked back a sob. There would be time for that later, years and years of time later.
"No regrets," Alec said, and he smiled when Magnus raised his head to look him in the eye.
"No regrets," Magnus agreed.
They sat quietly for awhile, the only sound coming from the ticking clock. Tick-tick-tick. Counting down the hours, minutes, seconds of time he had remaining with Alec. He pushed the thought away, buried it deep inside him…for now.
"Magnus?" Magnus was resting his head on Alec's arm, on the hand that was entwined with his own. He looked up again. "Magnus, I want you to live. When I'm gone, I want you to live."
Magnus laughed sharply. "I'm not going to off myself because I lost you. It wouldn't do any good anyway." They had discussed that fact many times over the years. They both knew Asmodeus wanted Magnus with him, and that he would likely claim Magnus's soul if he were ever to die. He would not claim Alec's, however. They didn't know what happened after death, but it was clear they would not be allowed to be together.
"That's not what I meant," Alec said, pushing himself up a little straighter, expending energy he didn't have. His voice, however, was stronger when he said, "I meant that I want you to live your life. I want you to love again. I don't want you to waste away, your soul hardening and dying, not because of me."
Magnus held his blue eyes, so full of love and concern for him, not for himself. Alec was asking the impossible. How could he ever love someone else, when he had just experienced the best love he could imagine? How was he supposed to make his heart available to someone else when it would always belong to Alec?
He was quiet for too long. "Promise me, Magnus."
And Magnus did. He couldn't deny Alec anything, not today. So he promised he would find love again, but he was careful not to say when he would start looking. Maybe a few hundred years of distance would make it possible…
"Do you believe in reincarnation?" Alec asked, his voice weak again, his energy spent.
Magnus dropped his head, and gently shook it. "I don't. There has never been any proof." He couldn't let himself think about that, let himself hope. Hope would drive him crazy. Even if reincarnation was possible, how was he expected to find one person, his soul mate, in a world with billions of people inhabiting it? It was impossible.
"You know if I can come back to you, I will. I would always choose you."
Magnus nodded and pressed Alec's hand to his forehead, taking a deep, steadying breath before he said, "I know."
"Magnus?" Alec asked again, his voice even weaker than before. "Will you sing to me?"
Magnus smiled a weak, watery smile. He cast his mind for a song, some lyrics, anything that would make Alec feel better in this moment. There was only one thing that came to his mind, only one set of lyrics that seemed to say what he wanted to say to Alec. He lifted his voice and sang.
"And if I had it to do all over
I'd do it all over again
If tomorrow I found one more chance to begin
I'd love you all over again"
When he finished those four simple lines, Alec took one more slightly deeper breath, and when he released it, his hand went limp in Magnus's. And Magnus felt the warm flame that had been burning in his chest since their wedding day snuff out of existence. He had been right, the spell had died with Alec.
The sob that Magnus had been restraining all day broke free. He climbed onto the bed next to Alec and wrapped his arms around him. He was already so cold. Magnus buried his face in Alec's neck, breathing him in one last time, feeling the brush of Alec's hair across his face one last time. Tears fell freely and unchecked from Magnus's eyes.
He must have fallen asleep, for some time later he felt his shoulder being shaken. His brain was fuzzy, his eyes burning and swollen. He heard Ellie say, "Dad...Dad...Daddy," each interrupted by more shaking. The use of the name she had called him when she was little finally broke through. He met her eyes, and saw the tear tracks on her cheeks, and knew it wasn't a dream. Alec was gone, really gone.
"The Silent Brothers are here," Ellie whispered softly to Magnus.
He turned toward the door and saw that, indeed, there were three Silent Brothers framed in the doorway. He squeezed Alec tighter, not ready to let him go. Of course, he would never be ready to let him go.
Eventually, he let Ellie pull him off the bed, let his grip on Alec's body slacken and then release. He watched as the Silent Brothers prepared Alec's body for transport to the City of Bones. He watched this with a sense of detachment, a surreal, disorienting feeling taking over him. Alec was gone.
Magnus Bane, you are welcome to accompany us to the Silent City, came Brother Enoch's voice in his head. Bizarrely, he wished it were Brother Zachariah, Jem, his friend, that was taking Alec away. But it didn't really matter.
"I haven't said the Shadowhunter fairwell," Magnus said in a dull, lifeless voice. He knew that would be important to Alec, and he didn't want to miss a detail like that.
Ellie placed her small hand on his arm. He was reminded of when she was a little girl and trying to do something to make her dads happy. "I said it," she said softly. "When I came in and found you, I said it."
Magnus laid his hand over hers and gave it a gentle squeeze of appreciation, and he nodded his thanks to her.
We are ready now, one of the other Silent Brothers voices sounded. The echo of that voice in Magnus's head was unbearably loud.
There was little talking on the journey to the Silent City. Magnus had no interest in conversation. Ellie held his hand, trying to give him strength, but Magnus was numb, deadened. He followed Ellie in a trance, his sensory perception failing him.
They entered the Silent City through the narrow passageways leading from the Marble Cemetery in Manhattan. Magnus dully registered the cold temperature, the wet, musty smell, the essence of a thousand years of deceased Shadowhunters. He felt a chill through his body, making the hairs on his arms and the nape of his neck stand erect, but even that sensation was tempered by loss.
He wondered, without much interest, if other beings felt this way inside the City of Bones. The place was unlikely to feel welcoming to anyone, except maybe the Silent Brothers. But Magnus felt a low sense of malevolence, an unwelcoming, that he couldn't help wondering if the Nephilim felt, or if he felt it simply because he did not belong here.
He knew that Downworlders were not welcome inside the Silent City, and especially not to witness the burial of one of the Children of the Angel. He knew that he was being granted special permission by the Silent Brothers, both because of his previous relationship with them and his long-term relationship with Alec. Magnus shrugged off the uneasy feeling and continued along the passages into the bowels of the city.
Magnus watched as his husband's body was laid upon the pyre, and he was allowed a few more minutes to say farewell. He held Alec's hand, kissed it, told him how much he was loved, wept. Then, he allowed Ellie to lead him away and watched as the flames rose up, consuming everything, as the smoke filled the cavernous room, and rose high against the ceiling.
He watched because he had to. He had to see the finality in the act of cremation. He had to leave no doubt in his mind that Alec was gone. It was the only way, his only chance of someday finding a way to move on. That day was far off in the future, unimaginable at this moment, but he had been through this before. He remembered how his mind would return to those happy times and his heart would search for the person he had loved. He knew he would do this with Alec as well, of course he would, he loved Alec more than he ever thought it possible to love someone. He knew when the numbness wore off, he would be tortured by incredible, awful pain.
But loving Alec had been worth it. He meant the words of the final song he sang to Alec. He would do it again. He would endure the pain to experience that kind of love. You endure what is unbearable, and you bear it. And he would, for Alec he would without question.
Ellie buried her face against Magnus's chest. He could vaguely feel the dampness from her tears soaking into his shirt. Somehow he registered the wetness of his own face, scorched by the heat from the all-consuming flames. He pressed his cheek against Ellie's soft hair, and held her close to him. He thought he whispered words of comfort to her, but he couldn't be sure he actually made the sounds.
The coming weeks and months, and years really, would be difficult, Magnus knew. There would always be a place in his heart for Alec. Always.
Ave Atque Vale, Alexander Gideon Lightwood, he thought as his heart tore open and bled. I love you, my Alec.
A/N: The song is "I'd Do It All Over Again" by Alan Jackson.
Oh, Angel...that hurt...
