I sat down on the bed in silence while Orochimaru chose to stand and stare. I moved my head away from his gaze, finding interest in the flickering candle light shadows. If I concentrated real hard I couldd see a story unfold on the walls. The cold was still there. The flame gave entertaining distractions, but refused to give heat. Her body reacted with slight shivers she could only hope would slip by unnoticed. They didn't.
She knew he was getting closer. The rustling of fabric was a dead give away. Her body tensed and began to panic. Her heart rate sped up, fingers clenched, her eyes shut, all in hopes of willing away the room. The existance. He stopped right in front of her. she could hear his silent breathing or rather could hear around the breathing. she wanted to hate him and blame him, but she knew in the back of her mind she wanted this!
The bed dipped with the added weight and she relaxed all-too easily into the arms of the killer behind her. He kissed her neck. "What do you want me to say?"
"All that is needed to be said."
"How cryptic you speak. So many words have gone unsaid, too many were overlooked. Somethings are better off unknown. Somethings had a time and place to say them that long passed. So you tell me what needs to be said." I was greeted by silence. I think he knows this isn't working. I think he knows we are destroying each other. We fell to hard too fast for each other. Time rushed everything along sweeping us into this hopeless stage of death. I think he knows, but he won't say it out loud. He won't accept that the natural order caught up to him and gave him a special way of death.
I was stained in a role
In a day not my own
But as you walked into my life
You showed what needed to be shown
And I always knew what was right
Just didn't know that I might
Peel away and choose to see
with such a different sight
And I will never see the sky the same way
And-
"You're singing to me? Here I never thought you would. Any particular reason?" I saw a smirk playing on his lips from the corner of my eye, but his voice held no humor.
"I love you Orochimaru." It was silent again. I wanted to sing to him before I did drastic measures. "I used my technique to look through your mind, you know." I would come clean. I would cleanse my conscience even if it hurt me or him.
"I believe I was there. It wasn't too spectacular. You only stayed for a few minutes." He began to stroke my arm. His eyes were closed and lips slightly part. The candle light illuminated his skin. I stared in that moment wanting it to never end. Wanting that picture to never fade. He looked so. . . serene and beautiful.
"Yes I only stayed a few minutes. The first time." The moment disappeared without an interval. His eyes snapped opened and the cold in them directed itself to me. "When we first slept together. I fell asleep and then woke up not half an hour passed. You were already asleep. I searched your mind then." I swallowed wondering when my throat went so dry. I licked my lips stalling the openning of the next can of worms. "You lied."
He stayed in that comforting position only for a few seconds more. He sat up and turned me over so I could lay on my back. It made it easier to sit on my stomach and wrap his calloused hands around my neck. I took a minute to wonder if it was his hands that were so rough or his vessels. Had his form taken over yet? Completely I mean. I didn't move or struggle. He had a right to be angry and I think he could see the sadness in my eyes. The sadness directed at him and hated me for it. "What, pray tell, did I lie about?"
I looked up at his dominating figure. I looked at the emotions of anger and frustration dancing along his eyes and face. As sickening as it was to say about a man who was on the verge of killing me at the moment, I became aroused. I had the urge to run my hand through his hair, to kiss those warm lips, to give myself to him fully. I never took the time to look or notice him. I spent it looking for someone who could replace him. Someone who wasn't unhealthy for me. I regretted it now. "Your parents."
All that time ago, what was he had said about his parents? They were weak and foolish. His mother died in child birth. His father was killed by rouge ninja. "Your parents were strong, dependable shinobi. Both of them. They died together in a war. You never thought them foolish, nor did you scorn them. You visited your parents everyday and gave them flowers and food. you wanted to see them again, to feel that warmth of a family. You wanted to see if they saw you." She couldn't speak anymore. Orochimaru's hands tightened with every word she spoke.
His quiet whispers turned to screams of outrage. "You had no right. You had no right! YOU HAD NO MOTHER-FUCKING RIGHT!" His wounds, his pains, if he lied about them enough, it would become true. If he didn't care enough it wouldn't matter. If he stopped remembering it wouldn't matter. She broke all the defenses away by ripping open his oldest, most infected wound and forcing salt into it. I looked away in shame. I had no right.
He stopped. Anger and killing intent merging into one orgy. "What else!?" Let's see. You gave me some sort of mental condition that makes me a bit masochistic? Nah, he wouldn't wanna hear about that. Come clean. Cleanse. I took deep, straggled breaths.
"The baby I was going to have. When I killed it, I didn't kill it." My hands reached for my neck to rub the soreness away, but he still had his hands gently locked together for the awaiting anger.
"So . . . you're still pregnant?" A smile or attempt flashed across his face and his grip loosened and began to move away. I stopped his hands. In retrospect that was a sincerely stupid thing to do, but I felt like letting his anger fade on false hope was a sort of betrayal.
"That's not what I meant. I meant the baby was already dead. It was going to be a stillborn." His fists clenched and eyebrows furrowed as he tried to reason and understand my logic.
"And you assumed if I knew. . . I would find you defective and cast you aside like so many others? I didn't need an heir. I could have worked with the children we had. We -" I pushed my hand over his mouth. I tried to calm myself down. I did NOT want to to cry infront of him."
"You're drawing conclusions. I put on an act of destroying my own baby. Of destroying my own body to find a way out. Don't you see!? I've been trying for so long to find a way out. A way away from you. I don't know what I want. I want simplicity. I want serenity. I want security. You are destruction, devastation, disregard and yet I dream of you! Too often. Your memory burnt itself into my mind. Like a brand that won't let me move on. I don't even know myself anymore! Out. I need an out. But I need you. . ."
Many people drifted through my mind. Rei, Iro, Hebi, Doneko, Li-Li, Mimiko, James, Croatoan, Sakura, Okaasan, Otousan, Hinamizawa villagers. Kimimaro in paticular. I couldn't fit them through my out. The makeshift door would immediately collapse. Maybe others would be left behind. Maybe he out will trap herself in despair. Maybe.
"Kimimaro-kun? I'm not sure how well you can understand but please try to follow along." He nodded curtly, giving me all his attention. "I need to ask you a question. . . " I paused. How could I be confident in asking this. If anything, it pains me to ask. "If I could make Orochimaru's pain disappear, should I? There are certain. . . "
"You would not ask such questions that the answers would be obvious unless there is an under lying threat. If you want my opinion I need to know the whole picture." My mouth formed the words but my voice caught. I liked Kimimaro. It wasn't fair to put Orochimaru above him. "I will not hate you for whatever you have to say."
That helped a little. "What if, what I would do would cause Orochimaru happiness at the cost of your own." I saw the lack of understanding and continued shakily. "What if I made so Orochimaru ended up not saving you from that loneliness. He never came to the Mist Village, he never saw you. His goals would be different. His obsession with immortality and jutsus would be gone. All the good. All the bad. He would be on a different path. This is my way out."
"I. . . Are you asking if I would give up my purpose to help Orochimaru-sama?"
"Yes. That and how would it change Orochimaru. Did you make a significant impact on his life that changed him somehow?"
As I explained, his face betrayed nothing. His body gave no language. His voice was low and serious. "Even someone who worships and follows Orochimaru-sama, cannot know how he would respond to such a situation. Only he himself could decide. Maybe instead of running so much, you should turn around and fight. It won't end until you do."
Was it my way out that he considered to be running away? Now that Kimimaro was dead I couldn't ask him. I couldn't ask him. Yet I still could destroy him. I shuddered at the thought. "Orochimaru, if there was a way for us. . . a way out, where we, where." I couldn't process the thought and feeling into proper words. "If I could have I way out and a way with you, would you let me take it would you trust me enough?" My words made no sense to him. How could they? "Do you trust me?"
I sat up, holding onto his hands. I scooched my legs out from under him and sat down in a comfortable positon to face what I wanted in my past, present, and future. I looked into his eyes with a pleading desperation. "Yes." I smiled a flimsy smile, but at least it was real.
"Close your eyes." He gave me a kiss on the mouth it was short, yet lingering. "Trust me." I whispered into his ear as the knife I hid plunged deep into his heart. It came out a heated whisper. I gave one last look into his eyes. They were confusion and anger. No hate. I kissed his lips one last time.
"My death. I knew it when I first made you my prisoner." Those were his last words. Until the new life. I took the blood on my hand and spread it on the floor in a circular pattern. Pagan designs decorated the inside of it. Pagan was not devil. Pagan was the gods of all elements. I quietly worked, taking my time. I knew once I finished no one would be able to do anything.
The favors you owe
The pain I've caused
The outing I seek
Erase the loss
Memories I hold
I shall keep
To undo the damage
Of sowing what was reaped
The circle glowed and enveleoped me. This wasn't our end this was a beginning. I smiled as the darkness devoured. The color, the scents, the world vanished. It all mixed into a void of emptiness. Voices spoke out loud to protest and question her.
Why?
Is it worth it?
What are the costs?
This is what should be left alone.
What of the family? Sister? Brother? They'll will notice.
"Stop." The voices stopped. The voices. The existance of my doubt. My own weaknesses trying to devour me. I wouldn't let it be simply because I will drag others through the door. I will meddle and fix it. I will live with the consequences. Screw God and his ideals. I will do something for me. I will exist!
The darkness receded and faded away to the blinding light devouring the void. She was cocooned in warmth. Security. Safety. The light was protection. The light would guide her. There was no doubt. There was no fear. All emotions, possessions, worries, responsibilities drained away to create a state of Nirvana. And she was happy.
A/N: The way I left this story, I need to make a sequel. Here is a final chapter. I hope you enjoyed this fic. I hope things are clarified. If a loose ending stands, tell me about it and I'll be fixing it. And I realize this might leave you with a lot of answered questions. Sorry. I'll post a sequel soon. I like this last chapter. It officially my favorite.
