The last two days felt like a lifetime. But time goes on.

The next days feel… blank.

He tells SFIT that he's sick, which, he figures, isn't completely untrue. He needs time to slow down, and to think- dancing around in a giant suit at football games isn't going to happen any time soon- but in a different way than before. Not retreating into his own mind and trapping himself in helplessness.

He visits the comic shop a few more times. He rents a bike and heads to the park a couple mornings. He plays a few more songs on the piano.

Heathcliff doesn't know everything about what happened, but he knows enough to very quietly ask him one day how he's doing- and a short conversation is enough to get Fred thinking. He talks to Honey the most, at coffee shops or in the lobby of her dorm or just on the phone. Wasabi doesn't pry, but Fred eventually tells him what's going on anyway; he's quiet for a while, obviously thinking, and later echoes the same idea Heathcliff gave him.

He only talks with Go Go once. It's tough, and he suspects she's feeling as awkward and uncertain as he is, but eventually he's able to share a little more with her, too. She apologizes for hitting him. He mentions the phone message. There's not much to say, after that.

But she looks at him with eyes that jump from sad to stoic in every blink. "You can't be around Hiro," she says softly. "Ever. You know that, right?"

He does.

Still, it burns him to hear it out loud.

And this time, she rests her hand on his shoulder and waits with him while he bites back tears- because she might not think she's very skilled at comforting her friends, but Fred knows without a doubt that she knows what it's like to hurt, and that's more than enough.

More talks with Honey Lemon. More days where the edge of the stress and the urgency seem to fade, just a little, and he can breathe easier. More nights where the darkness feels like it's falling back, inch by inch, and more dreams that are just dreams, and more telling himself that he's not defined by this, it's not hopeless, it's not impossible- and more moments where he really feels like he can believe it. Not always, but sometimes.

Weeks go by. He heads back to the school. He doesn't even see Hiro.

And one day in the middle of it all, he gets a text. Just a question, asking if he has time to talk. Soon, Tadashi's standing in the doorway, hesitantly stepping through into the opulent mansion.

Awkward greetings. Stammered 'How are things', and 'okay', accidentally speaking at the same time, and an oppressive, stifling silence that never used to be there. For whatever reason, Fred starts moving back towards the kitchen- Tadashi follows.

Footsteps, that seem to echo even louder than when he's alone. Fred finds himself flinching away from shadows, noises, empty hallways. Tadashi offers up halfhearted conversations. They fade.

He built it up in his mind, of course. It seemed like there was so much to say once they finally saw each other again. Now, though, his head's spinning, and he can't think of how to begin.

Once they get to the kitchen, he crosses over to the fridge- so he has something to do, instead of just standing around and avoiding eye contact with his friend. "You, uh-" He clears his throat. "You want anything? A soda, or…"

"Actually, yeah." Tadashi's fidgeting, standing near one of the windows, drumming his hand against his side in a rhythm. "Thanks."

Fred tosses him a lemon-lime something-or-other and closes the door. And now there's nothing distracting him. But he still doesn't look at him, instead scratching the back of his neck and looking down at the tiles on the floor.

…This is stupid. He can't walk on eggshells forever.

"So- um-" There's nothing left to be afraid of, it's all out in the open, it'll be easier to talk about now- "You're probably here…"

"Isn't it obvious?"

When he looks up, Tadashi's grinning, but it's forced. Just like the light, casual tone in his voice. "I'm here to raid your fridge, loser." Caught off-guard, Fred doesn't say anything as Tadashi brushes past him and opens up the door again. "I mean, you've got more food in here than I think we have in the entire café-" He rifles through the lower shelves, then seems to change his mind quickly and turns to the cupboards instead. "And you've snagged so much discount stuff from there that you basically owe me."

"What?" he finally manages.

Tadashi has somehow found a half loaf of bread, and looks like he's trying to find the perfect sandwich ingredients. "It's only fair, is all I'm saying. The gang knows it, too- last time I was at Honey Lemon's dorm, she made me wait an hour and a half for a pie to bake so I could take it back to Aunt Cass. And Go Go's been stealing doughnuts from the Lucky Cat since, like, middle school."

"…What?"

"My point is, sharing food is basically just taking food, if you look from the opposite angle." Fred didn't even know he had barbecue chips somewhere, but here they are, and Tadashi pretty much has most of a meal ready to go on the counter in front of him. "You want a sandwich?"

He almost shrugs and says sure, why not, but he can't. This is… too strange. It's not what he expected, at all. Now Tadashi's the one who's pretending, except he's not good at it, and something about it all makes him feel nauseous. And that's probably how they felt every time you were lying about things being okay.

But it's what he wanted, isn't it? Everything to be back to normal? And Tadashi's trying his best, so he should…

Still, he can't.

(and everything Honey said to him rings in his ears, no more pretending it's fine when it's not-)

Fred swallows. "So we're gonna… do this?" he asks quietly. "Just pretend like nothing-"

He doesn't finish the question, but it's enough; he sees the fake brightness fade, and Tadashi's expression slowly falls into something that looks real. He leans back against the counter and lets his gaze fall to the floor. "…Right," he says. "Yeah, I guess not. Sorry."

The silence comes back, and Fred has to fight the voice that says he ruined something again. Finally, Tadashi sighs. "Look, I- I should have come by to talk sooner. I, uh, wish I hadn't waited so long."

"No, it's alright." Fred shakes his head. "I get it. Not exactly news you hear every day."

A little of the panic is coming back, because God, maybe he shouldn't have said that, and this isn't something to joke about, and he messed up, and-

But Tadashi's smiling again, even chuckles, so maybe it's alright. Fred grins, too, and he tries to calm down- but it's impossible when he can feel his heart racing and his head starting to ache again. It's fine, it's fine, he needs to get a grip, he needs to stop thinking the same things over and over; concentrate on the good things, on what he knows is real, on what his friends have told him.

Push it back. Calm down. Breathe.

"I shouldn't have… you know." Tadashi lifts one shoulder with an uncomfortable look on his face. "Reacted like that." Fred almost objects again, because Tadashi keeps feeling like he's the one who needs to apologize, and that's ridiculous- but then he continues. "It was just crazy, right? And, like- later, when I found out that everyone else knew before I did."

Fred nearly panics, but Tadashi doesn't sound angry- only like he was genuinely confused and upset. "And I wish I hadn't… found out. That way." His eyes dart up, and he's looking right at Fred for a moment before glancing away again. "But you never told me. And… I'm the only one with a younger brother, you know?"

Again, he's not accusing. He doesn't seem like he's demanding an answer. Only saying what's on his mind. But he's right. He's absolutely right, and Fred has no idea what to say against that, because he knows he handled it terribly, and he should have- God, the whole thing is such a cluster that he doesn't even know what he should have done, exactly.

But he can't keep beating himself up about that. So he takes a breath, and goes back to what he was thinking at the time, and decides to tell the whole truth. "That's… that's why I couldn't tell you, man."

No response. "I should have. But I was- I was scared, I guess." This is a new kind of anxiety, one that comes from being completely honest, and it's so unfamiliar that he almost can't keep talking. "Terrified. And I almost told you. I tried."

Tadashi moves his mouth like he's about to speak, but can't for a few seconds. "You mean, the night before? When we were talking about…"

"Yeah." Fred shuts his eyes, because it hurts to think about that day, those two days, but he has to. "That was all real. And- I thought I could tell you everything, even the worst of it. But- I couldn't." His eyes sting, and he takes in another shuddering breath. "And I'm so fucking sorry, man," he says, so quiet he can hardly hear it himself. "About everything. I can't- I know it doesn't make up for anything, but- but I regret all of it."

It's awful. It's half-assed and useless. Even to his own ears, it sounds like a shadow of a real apology, completely insignificant compared to everything he's sorry for. But the words are out, and Tadashi doesn't say anything. So Fred opens his eyes again, and his friend is still looking at the ground, clearly turning the words over in his head. "…Alright," he finally says. "Alright. Thanks for saying that."

The silence is back. And Fred knows this is important, he knows he has to have this conversation, but every word he says and hears feels like it's weighing him down, even though it's supposed to be helping. Tadashi's still looking down, and- and he has no idea what he's thinking. The automatic thought of he still hates you, he'll never forgive you pops up once more.

It's raining again. A few drops are spattering against the window, starting to run down in small rivulets.

"Hey. Um." Tadashi straightens, pushing away from the counter. "Can I- can I, uh…" He breaks off. It occurs to Fred that this is the slowest, most haphazardly start-stop conversation he's ever been a part of. "Can I ask about it, now? Like, if it's an okay thing to talk about."

For a good moment, he doesn't make the connection. And then Fred's stomach drops. Tadashi's asking him for permission to talk about it? Even after everything, he's still being this… kind? Goddamnit, he- he's such a good person that Fred immediately feels a bolt of shame, because there's no doubt in his mind that he does not deserve a friend like Tadashi Hamada.

He should be demanding answers. And he's here, gently asking if it's a subject he can even bring up.

"Of course! Yeah. Yeah, man," he stammers. "It's- it's fine." Not only is it okay, he should talk about it. It should be something more open, now. Even if it hurts, even if he hates thinking about it, he has to talk about it. He has to start moving on, right? Being open with people, just like Honey said.

Even so, he can't help feeling cold dread pool up in his chest. So when Tadashi hesitates, it doesn't seem like normal nerves or reluctance anymore- it looks to Fred like disgust, and repulsion, and he wonders if he'll ever be able to have a normal conversation with his friend again. If he can even still call him a 'friend' after all this.

"Hiro said something about… a story," he finally mumbles.

Don't freeze up.

Don't panic.

Breathe.

He's okay. He can do this.

-but how the hell are you supposed to explain any of this, where do you even START, how do you look him in the eye and tell him, how do you begin how do you speak how do you tell the fucking truth-

There's no way to make this sound better. There's no way to dress it up so he seems any less monstrous. There's only the truth. But still, his tongue is immobile, and his thoughts are frozen in place, and he has to silently count to ten and take deep breaths before he can even begin.

"I'd find them online," he says slowly. "It's like- like porn. You know. For people like me." God, it burns, he's burning, the words are vile poison that he's spitting out, and he hates himself but you have to, you have to keep going, because he deserves an explanation and you deserve to feel like the scum you are- "But I didn't- I never looked at, like…"

He falters. "Real stuff," he finally chokes out. And Tadashi doesn't ask what he means, so he must understand, which is good because he doesn't have to explain it but it's bad because he never wanted Tadashi to have to think about something like this at all.

And suddenly something about all this is kind of funny, in a sick way, and he laughs like he's choking. "I couldn't- I never found it," he says. "I want to say… like, I stayed away from actual pictures, but…" He's disgusting, he's awful, the words are killing him as they come out of his mouth but he has to say it, because he's being honest for the first time in a long time. "But the truth is I literally couldn't find any."

He doesn't look at Tadashi. He doesn't hear Tadashi say anything.

"I still don't know how anyone ends up with that stuff," he rambles, like a dying man spitting up blood. "And it's- it's kind of funny, because if I was smarter-" –if I knew computers and tech like you- "If I knew how-" –if I was as smart as you- "I'd probably be in prison or something."

"What?" Tadashi's voice sounds like nothing he's ever heard before. "Prison?"

He shuts his eyes tight, falls back against the fridge, presses his hands against his face. "That's where we end up, dude," he says. "People like me. People who lurk around the Net, like- like goddamn animals, who use this crap for- for- for fucking-"

"Fred." Tadashi must have stepped forward, and he grabs his arm. "Don't- don't think like that. Don't say that."

that's what Honey said, she told you something just like it, so why can't you listen

"Why not?" He's so mad, he's caught up, he can't- he can't think straight, and suddenly he's wondering if he's been getting better at all, because this hurts just like before. "Why shouldn't I? I am that. You should- you should-"

"What?" Louder now, he shakes his shoulder, waiting until Fred looks up. Glaring. Challenging. "What should I do?"

"You should hate me!" Fred explodes, shoving his friend's hand away. "Why do you- God, why are you even here?! How can you stand it, when I'm the one who-" The tears are back, and he's probably shaking again. "I could have- I almost" Finally, he sinks down to the floor, back against the cold surface of the fridge door, and there's nothing keeping him from falling apart. So he does, loud and ugly sobs that feel like they're shaking him, tossing him like a whirlwind.

Tadashi isn't saying anything.

Fred's so fucking tired of all this.

Tadashi takes a breath.

"…Almost, yeah."

"But you didn't."

"And that matters, Fred. Don't act like it doesn't."

When he finally looks up, Tadashi's eyes are shining, too. "Look, I- of course I'm mad at you," he says quietly, voice unsteady. "Man, I don't know exactly what I think right now. That'll take a while. But you- you're not- I don't hate you."

Even though it's broken, and weak, and pathetic, Fred can't stop himself from saying, "Why not?"

Tadashi sniffs, and wipes his eyes before he says anything. "You're my friend," he says quietly. "That's more important than whatever you almost are."

And that hits him, shakes him to the center of his being, and he grabs onto it again just like he did before hold onto that I hope you can believe that because he trusts his friends more than he believes in himself the point is you're pretty tough too and he thought he had nothing left to cry, but here he is. He's a wreck, he's broken into pieces and ground down into the dirt, but Tadashi's here, too, and he sits down next to him, leaning against the fridge in a kitchen in a giant mansion full of money and nothing and silence and bad dreams.

…Like a desk in a vacant classroom, or a park bench at the edge of twilight. Finally talking. Finally real.

He tries to stop. Awkward, halting breaths, and heaving shoulders- but he finally does, and there are only sniffs and tears left, but Fred still keeps his face in his hand for a moment. Beside him, Tadashi shifts. "I'm not going anywhere, okay?" he says in a small voice. "Count on it."

He can't say anything. It hurts too much. And out of nowhere, a traitorous thought jumps forward and he wants to ask if Hiro's okay, how he's doing, and it enrages the rest of him but there's nothing he can do except cry, heaving and burning and wishing he could stop thinking at all, because he can't ask about Hiro, he doesn't deserve to think about Hiro, and he hates that part of him wants to know if he's alright- but there's nothing to do with all the hate, it just SITS there, killing you from the inside-

And maybe Tadashi can tell, because he continues without waiting for a response. "I remember, uh… Go Go told me something, once. About being angry." He speaks slowly, like he's trying to picture exactly how it went. Or like he's thinking of what it really means. "She said it's- it's tricky, because it feels strong. It seems important, and dramatic, and… helpful, I guess. But it's not." He puts his hand on Fred's shoulder, but hesitates and removes it. "It's not enough," he says quietly. "Hating yourself, or whatever's going on, it's not… it's not strong enough to do anything. It just burns you out."

it's all bullshit it's all useless I hate it I hate it so much I'm so tired I just want it to stop

"Do you-" Tadashi cuts himself off, and stops and tries again a few times before his voice doesn't waver. "Do you remember what I said, when we talked last time?" When Fred finally looks up, Tadashi's staring forward, with a faraway look. "It's easy to feel like… no one else knows what you're going through. And it's sorta true. But- it can turn into this weird pride kind of thing, like you… own it, or something. And you shoot down anyone who tries to help." The story in the park jumps back to mind, and Fred realizes he's talking from experience. "You gotta kill that, man. You have to. Because- no one knows 'exactly what it's like' for anyone, but-"

Tadashi's voice gets heavy for a moment, and he blinks. "But hell, you reach out anyway. We can't do this alone. Nobody can."

Can you listen? Can you accept it? They've been trying to tell you, but you keep forgetting, and maybe you just don't believe them, maybe you can't understand, maybe you're too broken to try-

Fred grits his teeth and tries to shut the voice down. Nodding, he rubs his forehead again. "Yeah, I- yeah. Yeah." He repeats it a few times.

After a moment, Tadashi nudges his shoulder. "And I'll be okay, eventually," he says, like he's trying to make it lighter. "Give me time. I won't be mad at you forever."

He's still choked up, so when he gives a surprised laugh, it comes out as more of a coughing noise. "What, you think- it'll be back to normal? It's not gonna be the most awkward thing in the world?"

"I mean, yeah." He says it so flippantly that Fred laughs again why are you laughing this is all wrong stop it you're just lying like you always do. "But we can handle awkward. And I'm pretty sure our group can handle being mad at each other. Wasabi declares he's never talking to Go Go again, like, twice a week." Another laugh, and Tadashi lets it fade away before he continues. "You've got people who care about you, dude."

Squeezing his eyes shut, he focuses on the words. "I know," he says softly.

"No, for real, listen. I think-" Tadashi pauses, then looks up and away from him. "The only thing- the only thing- you could do to lose that would be… if you decide you don't care back. If you're so far gone that you think you're not worth it, or- or we made a mistake in trying to help you, and you just push everyone away, then- then no matter how hard we try, we won't be able to…" The thought trails off. "Just- I hope you don't believe that," he finishes.

That's a new one, and Fred takes a while before he really lets it sink in. If he wasn't so exhausted, the idea would probably have him crying again; as is, though, he simply tries to believe in the words, and fortify them against the same repetitive voices, telling him to isolate and push away. Vacantly looking towards the window, he watches the water sliding down for a moment before a small smirk appears. "God, dude, you sound like a shrink or something. Deep stuff."

"…Uh, about that."

He turns his head, and Tadashi has his legs drawn up so he can fold his arms around his knees. "I'm actually- I-" He coughs a few more times. "…I started seeing a therapist," he finally says.

Fred starts. "Really?"

"Yup." Shrugging, Tadashi looks back to the ground, like the idea isn't one he's completely comfortable with yet. "Just once, so far. But I think… I think it's gonna help."

Fred feels like he's gaping stupidly. He shakes his head, and leans back against the fridge. "With what?"

"Hm. Everything." He says it like a joke, but the humor drains out of his voice and he sighs. "After everything with Hiro, I was… really messed-up. And I couldn't stop thinking that I'd done something wrong? Like, maybe I didn't, but I still…" He lifts a shoulder aimlessly. "And on top of that, talking about my parents kinda- I think it brought some stuff up I never really… I don't know. 'Dealt with', I guess. It's all complicated."

"…Huh."

"Pretty much." Tadashi sniffs again, and brushes his hand through his hair. "You know what Hiro kept on telling me?" he says suddenly. "This whole time, going out to these fights and all, whenever I'd ask him about anything, he'd just say, "I'm fine." Over and over. And, like- he didn't even believe it, you know? But he'd keep saying it anyway."

He falters. "And it got me wondering if maybe I've been doing the same thing."

The words fill the room, somehow, and Fred can't even think of responding for a moment. It's too important, too real, and he needs it, he needs to hear it and listen and remember it and not brush it aside. They're not exactly the same, but… it's close enough.

Minutes pass, and he finds his voice. "Would you believe Wasabi and Heath both told me I should talk to someone?"

Tadashi doesn't say anything, only raising his eyebrows. Fred looks down at his hands. "I- I think I really need it." He shudders, but he promised himself he wouldn't hold anything back, even when it was tough. "And it's more than just the obvious stuff. There's, like… these thoughts. And I think I got them from the stories, and- and I know they're wrong, and I know they're insane and fucked-up, but… I can't always tell, you know? About-"

he doesn't want to hear this you sick bastard

His voice catches. "-kids," he says quietly. "And about what's… normal. To think, I mean. And I knew they were messing with my head, I knew it, but I couldn't- I couldn't stop." This is it, this is the real admission, the last moment of wrenching everything into the sunlight and letting it burn away, because there's nowhere left to hide. "They- they felt like, even if it was just a moment, you could-"

you'll never live this down

"You could pretend it was all normal. And… okay."

stop it stop it he's going to hate you he's going to HATE YOU

"And I'm not sure-" Fred breathes deep, and rubs his eyes again. "But I think I got so wrapped up in it, that- like-"

HE CAN'T UNDERSTAND BECAUSE HE'S NORMAL AND YOU'RE A FREAK

"-that I thought... thinking like that... was the only think that let me feel okay."

It sounds so pathetic, and stupid. But he doesn't take it back. "Even though I hated everything about it," he says, hands pressed against his knees. "And it- I just felt sick, every time, but… but I'd go back."

Another stab of loathing hits him, and he feels more tears starting. "I almost died," he blurts out, before he can think it over. "I- the day after Hiro was here, I almost jumped off the bridge."

Tadashi doesn't sound like he's even breathing. "…Are you serious?"

He nods, and the panic hits him in waves- but he can deal with it, here, in silence and calm and arms wrapped around his legs and just concentrating on deep breaths. "I… still think about it, sometimes." Not just faint, but slow and jagged, too. He can barely hear himself. "It was like- I couldn't see anything else. And I couldn't think, like- there was just no way out."

Tadashi waits for a while. "…God, Fred," he says quietly. "That's awful." He tentatively rests his hand on Fred's shoulder.

It happens again, a ghost of a laugh that's more angry than anything else. "And then- after, I thought you were gonna kill me." That one's painful, cold and sickly when he says it, but he has to- he's letting go of everything, and there's no point in keeping it locked away in the back of his head. "And I think… maybe, I wanted you to?"

The hand grips him tighter.

He bows his head. "I know," he says. "I know, that's really fucked up."

When Tadashi finally speaks, it's with a deep breath. "Do you still think you deserve to die?"

He doesn't even want to think about that question, because a million variations of it have been spinning and cutting and burning in his mind for weeks, but he focuses on it until he comes up with an answer, and- and he's not sure, but no is a lot closer to a lie than yes is, so he shakily nods once because his voice won't work right if he tries to say anything.

Tadashi's quiet for a while.

"…Listen, Fred."

Stronger, like he's made a resolution. Fred looks over, and he's staring straight at him- he doesn't take his eyes off Fred for a second. "I want you to do something, all right? And it's gonna be difficult."

Tadashi narrows his eyes.

"Fight that. Every time you're thinking about it, every time you- if you think-" He breaks away, thinking, probably trying to figure out how to say it best- "I'm here, now, and I'm saying you need to live. Okay? And-" Damnit, Fred's pretty sure he can see tears in his eyes, now, and that's the last thing he needs because he's like two seconds away from crying himself, but Tadashi keeps going. "And talk to us, man. Whenever you need to. Please. We- hell, I want to help. I mean it."

He expects Tadashi to say more, maybe launch into another deep thought about friendship or something, but nothing else comes, so Fred just buries his head in his hands, and lets the idea settle over both of them that he was steps away from death. God, he- he was so close to simply not existing anymore. He's thought about it, obviously, but never like this, never with someone else so close by, reminding him what he would have lost.

But he didn't. He repeats it to himself, as forcefully as he can. He's here. He's living. And he wants so badly to say it out loud, that it's you guys, you saved me, I remembered what you said and you're the only reason I'm still alive, but it's too loud in his mind, and the words are stuck in his throat, so he just holds on and waits for it all to pass.

He'll tell them, one day. Honey especially. He'll tell them how much they mean to him, how they walked him back from the edge when they didn't even know they were doing it. But he can't say it right now.

When he finally settles down, he breathes out and lets his head hit the fridge door behind him. "…Thanks."

"Hm." Tadashi hesitates. "I think… it'll be a good idea. Getting help, I mean."

Fred nods again.

"Are you worried?"

He crosses his arms, so he's curled in on himself. "Yeah," he admits. "I- I don't know. Talking to a stranger, and telling the whole thing from the beginning… It's gonna be rough."

"Right."

"And-" Fred scoffs, shooting a dark look upwards. "And there's no way my parents don't find out," he mutters. "I've- I've never told them. It's almost better they aren't around right now."

The room goes quiet again, and once again, he finds his gaze drawn to the window. Gray light leaks through the rain.

Tadashi hesitates. "Well, you don't have to tell them. That's… kinda up to you now. Who to tell, and stuff."

He shakes his head. No more secrets. "No, I'll do it. If they ask why I'm seeing a shrink- if they really, honestly want to know- I'll tell 'em."

Like a lightning flash in his mind, he realizes: that's what matters. He can tell them. It's his decision. And when Tadashi nudges his shoulder with a grin, he knows he's strong enough to do it.

And he can get help, and he can get better. It's all possible.

It's probably gonna hurt like a bitch, but it's possible.

Just for a minute, he closes his eyes again. He can barely hear the rain hitting the window, and he can feel Tadashi's arm resting against his elbow, and he can even smell some of the food he grabbed out of the cupboard earlier. He feels… good. Like something new has started. And there's nothing shameful about it.

"So." Tadashi stands, stumbling a little bit, and stretches his arms over his head. "Any big plans for the day?"

Fred blinks up at him a few times, before he understands that- maybe they're really here, now, wherever they were pretending to be earlier. "Nah," he says eventually. "Take it easy, for now. Maybe a few piano songs. I don't know."

Tadashi helps him up. "Wait, you play? I don't think I knew that. Did I know that?"

"Probably not." God, it's so freaking weird talking to him like- like normal again. "I don't talk about it a lot."

"Right." He hesitates. "…Could I hear something?"

Completely drawing a blank, Fred doesn't say anything- and Tadashi must pick up on it, and know it's kind of an awkward thing to ask, because he hurries. "It doesn't even have to be a big deal. I'll just… keep talking. There's nothing worse than someone just sitting down and watching you, right? Like, not- not a performance, or something."

"No, I got it." He nods, kinda grateful that Tadashi's trying to make it less of a spotlight. "Sure, man. Why not?"

"Cool!" Tadashi moves aside and follows him as he starts his way out of the kitchen. "Cause I remember this one time, Professor Kagome wanted me to demonstrate how I figured out this proof, right, and I had to write out the whole thing on the whiteboard- but she specifically told the rest of the class they couldn't talk, or make noise, or anything, and I was so nervous I messed up like five different equations…"

The story continues, eventually moving into various other school moments even as Fred sits down in the living room and tries to remember the chords he heard in a movie trailer a week ago. Tadashi lies sideways on one of the room's cushioned chairs, looking at the ceiling while he recounts the tale of The Best Senior Prank Ever from his high school, and he doesn't make a bunch of comments about the music, or anything else.

Fred plays the piano.

One of the windows is huge, nearly floor-to-ceiling, and the rain streaming down keeps the room's light dim and shifting, with water patterns making strange half-shadows on the floor.

He finishes one song, and starts another. Tadashi keeps talking, and-

-and there's a hitch whenever he glances over at Fred, there's hesitation in his voice, there's something different from before, there's a barrier, he's pretending, he can't possibly be okay with all of this, but maybe he is and maybe Fred's just being paranoid because he doesn't know, he can't be sure-

-Tadashi keeps talking, because a few days before, Go Go stopped this huge fight in the parking lot and everyone expected her to make it even worse, but instead she caught this one dude's arm and said something that made him turn white like a ghost, and now the whole school's wondering exactly what she said, but she's not telling, and Honey Lemon swears she knows, but Tadashi isn't sure if he really believes her… And Fred keeps playing, and listens, and asks a few questions, and laughs, and nearly falls off the piano bench when Tadashi gets to the story about the chemistry experiment in the teacher's lounge that somehow blew out the ceiling lights.

It's still raining.

this is all fake

Tadashi's smiling.

it can't last

Fred tries not to listen.

you'll never be back to the way it was, they're always gonna look at you with disgust, you can't be this naïve, every time he SEES you he's gonna think about Hiro you monster you don't deserve this you're broken you're sick you don't have a chance

There are more songs, and more stories. None of them about Hiro, Fred notices. And it comes back, for a second, the whisper that he can't hope to have things get better and that this is just one happy moment before everything falls apart again, and he hesitates, and the music rings out and starts fading-

"-dude, hold up a second, I'm gonna grab those chips."

Tadashi claps him on the shoulder on his way out. Fred nearly jumps, then whirls to watch his friend leave the room. He looks back to the keys. He listens to the very last, dying edge of the notes before they're too quiet to hear.

He starts playing again.