Chapter 56
New blog entry posted 5/7/12
I can't do this anymore...
I'm fed up with this. I really am! Why the hell can't I get past this? I'm fed up with this controlling my life! I can't even go out on a shopping trip now without totally freaking out!
I went to a toy shop earlier, I'd seen a really cool fire station thing that I was going to get Leo for Christmas while it was in the sale and There was this kid in there, playing with cars and stuff, making them crash like all kids do, y'know? At first I thought it was really sweet then he found a van and train, rammed them together and screamed "CRASH!" and it, for some reason, sent me completely over the edge. Something that innocent, makes me go the way I did. I ended off having a full on panic attack. I was there alone too. Jackson and the boys were at work. I don't think anyone realised I was in trouble, or that there was anything wrong. They just looked at me as if I was mental. Maybe I am. Maybe I am crazy. Maybe a nice long stay in Demented Hills might sort me out! I managed thought to get some words out and handed some random my phone and begged them to call Jackson, he came and got me within what felt like seconds and the next thing I can remember is waking up here..
It just all felt real. It felt like it had happened again and I was having flashbacks, I couldn't breathe, I was crying and shouting for Jackson...
I've just had enough of this PTSD shit! Why the hell won't it go away? Why I can't i just be normal and get on with my life instead of waking up every night in a cold sweat and panicking if Jackson isn't lying next to me?
I hit him the other night, apparently, cause I was having a nightmare and lashing out. I've hit him again...He knows I didn't mean it, he saw the state I was in, but it doesn't matter. I lashed out at him and that has just made me feel ten times worse.
What the hell have I done? Why the hell did I have to let him drive away alone that night? Why didn't I get back in the van? Maybe then there would a been a chance of everything he went through happening to me. I deserve it. It should have been me.
Comments:
JLovesA: Aaron, please don't say that! I'm glad it happened to me and not you! You don't deserve anything like that to happen to you!
Aaron: and neither did you. After everything I put you through, it happens to YOU. why? Why you, Jay?
JLovesA: Aaron, it was an accident, these things...they just happen.
Aaron: It happened because I called you while you were driving!
JLovesA: You didn't tell me to attempt to answer the phone though.
Aaron: Which you wouldn't of had to do if I hadn't called you! You'd of got home ok, got over me and found someone who deserves you!
JLovesA: Aaron, I don't want anyone else! I want you! It's always been you!
ChasD: Aaron, love! Please don't say things like that.
Aaron: It's true though Mum! Maybe I might of got lucky and the train might of bloody killed me!
ChasD: You think you'd be lucky? You'd be glad to be dead? What about the people around you? The boys, Jackson, Me, Paddy... Do you think we'd be glad if you were dead?
DaddyCool: I never, EVER want to see you say those kind of things again Aaron, have you got that? NEVER.
Aaron: You don't control me and you can't tell me what I can and can't say!
DaddyCool: When my son says shit like that, I've got every right to tell you not to say it again! You're a son to me Aaron, I don't care how cheesey or embarrasing you think that is, I love you like you're my own, and I never want to see you say those things again. It'd destroy me, your mum, Jackson, EVERYONE, if we'd lost you. We almost lost you once and it was the worst thing that has ever happened to us. Don't put us through that again. and definately don't make come over there and stay with you til you're better, cause believe me, I'll bring your mum with me too and I know that's not what you want.
AdamB: Why can't you understand it Aaron? We love you. You're my wingman. I'd be nothing without you. Please mate don't do anything stupid, don't try it again...just open up, trust us. However pathetic you think you sound...just talk to us mate. Please!
Aaron: Why wont this go away Adam?
AdamB: Mate, it will, I promise you it will. It's not going to be easy, and you are going to have days like this, but you WILL get better. Just keep taking your meds, keep talking to Phil...Talk to him about all of this.
RippedRyan: Right I'm coming home. I don't care what you or Jamie have to say about it. Bro's before hose. (and i spelt it like that cause i'm meant to be washing a car...) You come first Aaron.
Aaron: That actually made me smile a bit. Thanks Ryan.
JLovesA: Ey if you're coming home go and get me a latte from the coffee shop.
RippedRyan: Certainly Sir. Would you ,like me to turn down your bed (again.. ;)) and put a chocolate mint on your pillow? Maybe I can dust your ass.
JLovesA: Don't get sarky with me!
Aaron: Could you get me a Mocha Ryan?
RippedRyan: Course I can mate. Want one of them Rocky Road cupcakes too?
Aaron: Is that sarcasm or are you being genuine?
RippedRyan: Genuine. I'll get you one anyway. Chin up lad. No matter what happens in the world, there'll always be chocolate, Ice cream and beer. oooh. imagine if there was Beer flavoured ice-cream...
