Art galleries were nice places. Not only was there a lot to keep Connor distracted, but it wasn't a breeding ground for conversation. He and Adam hadn't been having many of those; they had made it through Christmas without many difficulties, if only out of respect for the spirit of the holiday, but now they were back to awkward distance. Connor knew it was because he hadn't forgiven his father for recent revelations and Connor wondered how long it would take him this time. Or if he should just let it go, because he had forgiven his father for all of his other actions. He was confused and he'd rather stare blankly at swirls of bright colours than confront that. Between Jude and his father, there was a lot on his mind. The people he relied on the most were the people that he currently didn't know how to talk to. That might have been the hardest thing about it all.
But it wasn't as if he were losing either of them, and Connor thought it was progress that he wasn't panicking about that. His ex used to do that to him and he would worry about that, along with everything else, the minute that a small disagreement happened. Not anymore. He and Adam had mended bridges before – they were getting quite good at it – and Connor was sure that, after he had more time to think about it, perhaps talk to Dr. Scott, he and Adam would be fine. His father had his back now. As for Jude, well, Connor wasn't hopeless. He was sure that things would work out, but he wasn't sure what kind of conversations they were going to have to have. He reminded himself of his conviction to have a conversation with Jude about sex and love and how Jude should go if that's what he needed from a relationship. He wanted to wait and have that when they were face to face. He thought it might be easier to it that way. And, if he were being completely honest, he wanted it to be face to face in case Jude decided that it was the last time that they were going to be together in a relationship sense. He didn't think he'd be able to handle that conversation from a distance.
"Connor?"
He shocked back into himself at his father's voice. It was too easy to get lost inside of himself.
"Yeah, Dad?"
"Are you getting bored? We can go if you are."
Bored, not necessarily. Uncomfortable in front of people, absolutely. And the art gallery wasn't their only mission for today. Adam had promised that they would be getting the neckless for his mother's rings today. They seemed like such little, simple things to do, especially for two people who were here on vacation and who were supposed to be seeing and experiencing, but Connor was starting to get exhausted. It was too long of a trip and too much for him. He didn't know how much longer he could keep up pretending that he didn't need a long day, doing nothing but puttering around the hotel room. It wasn't as if they didn't spend a decent amount of time there, either. Adam still had work calls that he needed to make and, therefore, they were in a lot.
Connor just wanted to go home; he was beginning to think of home as his dorm room and his side of Jude's couch.
"Let's go, Dad."
"Sure there's nothing more you want to look at?"
Connor nodded. He had gotten his fill and he wasn't big on art. He wasn't sure what he was looking at most of the time anyway. He turned away from the paintings and followed Adam out the door.
"There's a jewellery store not too far from here where we can get what you want," Adam said. "Would you prefer to walk or grab a taxi?"
"Walk, please," Connor answered, even though it was cold.
"Let's go, then."
Connor followed, half a step behind Adam, feeling like a lost puppy as he did so. He tried to keep his eye on everything in the city at once, but it was an impossible task, as was trying to avoid bumping into strangers completely. It was just one of those days where it felt like the entire world was coming up against him and, like always, he didn't have the strength to push back. He tucked his hands deep into his jean pockets and was just about to ask how much further he and Adam had to walk when his father motioned him into a store.
It was warm inside and uncrowded, with two employees idly chatting behind the large, glittering display cases while the third was showing engagement rings to a middle-aged couple. The two bored employees turned simultaneously when Adam and Connor walked in, putting on bright customer service smiles.
"Hi, there! How may we help you?"
"We're just looking for a chain," Adam said. "Something for my son."
"All right, we've got a lot like that," the male employee said, gesturing the two of them toward the back of the store. "What length are you looking for?"
"Oh, something, um, middle of … my chest, I guess," Connor said.
"Gold, silver?"
"G-g-g-old." His mother's rings were gold.
"Okay, what do you think of this one?"
Connor shuffled closer to the jewellery case and peeked in. The one that was being pointed out to him was big and thick; it made his neck feel weighted just by looking at it.
"We were thinking something thinner," Adam said. "We've got a special pendant we want to hang from it."
"I see. So, maybe something more down this end."
Connor and Adam side-stepped to follow the employee and Connor leant forward again. These were definitely more like he was thinking and he couldn't stop looking at the price tags. He stood up again, putting himself in Adam's space as much as he could manage. Under his breath, so as not to seem rude in front of the employee, he said, "Dad, it's too much."
It was what he'd been thinking this entire trip.
"It's fine, Connor," Adam said. "I wouldn't have brought you here if I wasn't going to buy something if you liked it."
"Thank you."
Adam turned back to the employee. "Can we see the one second from the right, please?"
The man nodded and opened the back of the cabinet. He placed the necklace on top of the glass and started describing the characteristics to Adam. Connor wasn't paying much attention, though he knew that he should. He was more interested in the colour of the gold, which matched his mother's rings near perfectly. As perfectly as he was going to get without having the rings in his palm to compare.
"May I pick it up?" Connor asked.
"Yes. Try it on if you wish."
Connor could feel the employee sharply watching him as he picked up the chain. It was sturdy; he didn't worry about breaking it if he wore it for a long period of time. He lowered it over his head. It could barely feel the weight of it, though he could certainly feel how cold it was against his heated skin. He brought his finger up and hooked it around the chain, trying to guess how it would feel if the rings were added.
"Do you like it?" Adam asked.
"Yes," Connor said. "I think it's perfect."
As Adam paid, Connor fidgeted, both from thinking of how much money his father was spending on him and from how anxious he was to get his mother's rings on the necklace. He was glad to get out of the warm store; it was starting to feel suffocating.
"Do you want to do something else today?" Adam asked, and then he checked his watch. "For an hour or so? I have a call that I can't miss."
"We could go back now," Connor said.
"I don't want you to get home and feel like we spent the trip holed up in a hotel room," Adam said. "If there's anything at all you want to do …"
"No, let's go back," Connor said. "I can … look up somewhere to go for dinner. It'll be nice."
"That sounds like a good idea."
They walked back to the hotel, mostly in silence. It was when the hotel came into view that Connor tugged slightly on the chain.
"Dad?" he started, "did you really love Mom?"
"Yes," Adam said, not taking time to think or hesitate. "I did. It's probably what made everything so hard for me. I did love her, Connor, and she loved me. She told me that I just wasn't the person she was meant to love for the rest of her life."
That was hard to hear and, from the look on Adam's face, Connor could tell that it was hard to say and hard to remember too.
"Did you know Amelia?"
"No," Adam said. "I don't know her at all. I know of her. She's a friend of a wife of one of my co-workers. I guess that was how they met. Last time I heard about her was a few years ago. She got married to a woman and was moving to Connecticut or somewhere around there. I didn't think of her much. Don't think I wanted to."
They crossed the lobby and Connor hit the elevator button. He should have something more to say, but he just didn't. He was slightly curious about Amelia, but not really. If she had been close, maybe he would have thought about reaching out, but he had nothing to gain from knowing her. It was Adam that he had to deal with and find answers in, if there were any answers and reasons to truly be found at all. Connor wasn't completely sure of it. It was real life. Sometimes there wasn't a rhyme or reason and that was the hardest thing to swallow. Sometimes people just did things, like hurt and take advantage, just because they could.
Adam opened the hotel door and Connor scurried inside. He left Adam to get himself organized for his business call, going inside of his room and closing the door. He knelt in front of the suitcase and retrieved his mother's rings from where he had hidden them away. He opened the clasp on the necklace and slid the rings down. They clinked together as Connor did the clasp back up and pulled it over his head. He took the rings in his hand and held them tightly, warming them, and pretending – not well and just for a moment – that he was holding his mom's hand.
He felt strong. He felt capable. He felt like he imagined normal people could sometimes. And then he decided that it was time to call Jude. He had to make up for last night and he really had to try to get it right this time. To keep getting it wrong was to keep hurting Jude and if there was one thing that Connor knew he absolutely didn't want to do, it was hurt Jude.
(-.-)
Jude was having a rare moment alone. His moms were out, doing some shopping while the sales were going, and his siblings weren't needed for anything holiday related. He was glad that his parents didn't have to see him as hungover as he was. He had to stop going from not drinking at all to drinking a lot, because it always left him curled up in bed and dizzy. Taylor, of course, had been exuberant and fine this morning, which made him even more bitter and glad to be back in his old bed, alone and under the blankets. He kept thinking that he should text Dylan and apologize but, later. Possibly even tomorrow. Even after. Dylan would understand.
His phone began to ring and Jude snuck a hand out from under his comforter to grab it off his nightstand.
"Hello?"
"I'm sorry. Were you sleeping?"
"No, baby, I wasn't," Jude said. "I'm glad you're not avoiding me today."
"I deserved that," Connor said. "Jude, I really care about you. I get scared too easily and that makes me react in the wrong way. I don't know how to make that not sound like an excuse. I just, um, wish we were talking about this in person."
"Me too," Jude said, "but I don't want to let it wait. What else are you thinking, Connor?"
"Um. I'm thinking that I don't want to lose you over something like sex but I understand, completely, that, um, it might be something that changes things. If you want to be with someone that can be the person that I'm not. That I can't be. I meant what I said about, um, you being perfect and deserving everything. I just don't have everything."
"We've talked about sex. I meant what I said when I said we didn't have to have it. It doesn't change the fact that I have feelings for you or what those feelings mean to me. This is something new, Connor, and I don't want to just end up saying the same things again."
"I'm not asexual," Connor said.
"I know." Jude wasn't sure how that fit in. He scrunched his blanket up closer to his body, wanting to disappear into the warm folds.
"So, it's not that I don't feel things. It's not that I'm not attracted to you. I am getting curious."
"You've told me about the dreams before."
"This one was more vivid. And you've never said you loved me in a dream before; that made a difference. I can understand physicality more than I can deal with emotion. Things didn't get bad with my ex until he said he loved me. He –"
"He what?" Jude asked, his mouth going dry. He had to hear it, even though he wasn't sure how much he actually wanted to.
"He actually only said it once," Connor whispered. "Only once. Right after I moved in with him. He would say other things and let me fill in the blanks, but he never actually said it again. I spent our entire relationship wanting to hear it again. It was just another control mechanism, I think now."
"Probably. So, what do we do now, Connor?"
"Do you want to break up with me?"
"No!"
"I don't want to break up with you, either," Connor said. "I just don't want to be someone you end up resenting because of love and sex and the things I can't give."
"I don't resent you. I … really care about you."
"I don't want that to change, Jude." Connor sighed. "What would you say if I told you I wanted to have sex?"
"Hmm. I think that, you know, I'd want to talk about it first and make sure that we meant the same thing when we said sex and kind of what it was going to be like," Jude said. "I mean, knowing your past, I definitely wouldn't want to surprise you and with how I feel about sex, I know that I wouldn't want to be surprised. Then, after that, we'd have sex."
He could imagine what it would be like. He had spent a lot of time, particularly during the night hours, letting his fantasies run just a little too wild. Particularly when Connor had started letting him get closer, when they would make out in his couch and Jude's hips could press against Connor's, his legs spread around Connor. That had driven his imagination to the point where Jude had felt nearly crazy with the want to be close to Connor. That was definitely something he had pushed down when in front of his boyfriend but when it was one a.m. and he was alone in his bed, there was nothing that was going to stop him from indulging himself.
"But you're not asking, are you, baby?"
"No. Would you want me to?"
Jude had to tell himself to be honest and to not lie for Connor's comfort. "Yes."
"Um. Well," Connor said, and then he stopped himself and then just softly sighed. "Are you still mad at me?"
"Upset," Jude corrected. "And, yes. But, again, it wasn't about what happened, it was about how you reacted."
"I guess I still don't have that right," Connor said. "I'm sorry, Jude."
"I know. We'll work on it. Just don't run away from me completely, okay?" He worried, for a moment, that Connor was going to take that the wrong way and he thought of last night, admitting to Taylor how frustrating that could be, but he would rather worry about Connor than be on his own.
"I won't," Connor said. "And I really don't want to. Do you believe that?"
"Yes."
"I can't wait to see you," Connor said. "I've missed being with you."
It warmed Jude to hear that. When he and Connor were in front of one another and Jude could see his face, it was easy to read Connor's face and know what he was thinking. Over the phone, when Connor's tone tended be fairly flat, it was harder to tell how he was feeling.
"Well, we'll have a good day when you come home. When do you land, again?"
"Um. I probably won't be to your house until around, um, I think, um s-s-s-six," Connor said. "I have to go back to my dorm first, drop off suitcases and water my cactuses. I hope nothing bad happened to them."
"I'm sure they'll be just fine," Jude said. "Okay, so, you get here around six and we'll have supper around seven and then we can go to bed by eight."
"Eight, Jude?" Connor said, and he laughed slightly. "Did you turn ninety over break?"
"I work, like, four to noon," Jude said. "And you're going to be jet-lagged anyway! We might as well just snuggle in together!"
"I like the sound of that," Connor admitted. "Maybe you should try and nap before I get there."
"I'll be too excited," Jude said. "I'm going to oversleep the day before, because the day before that, I'm doing some New Years stuff at Callie's place. Me, her, Mariana. Taylor was going to come, but she went back to school early."
"Oh, why?"
"To grovel at Daria's feet," Jude said.
"Oh. I, um, hope she'll work things out with Daria," Connor said.
"Mmm, she screwed up," Jude said. "Are you busy right now?"
"Not until supper," Connor said. "I'm all yours."
"Just until then?" Jude teased, and it felt nice to joke, even though he knew that there were parts of him that still pained. He would let it rest, just for a moment, until he found the right words to put to what he was feeling. "Or a little longer than that?"
Jude would be lying if he said he didn't want Connor to become uncharacteristically mushy. He wanted Connor to suddenly say 'forever', even if it wasn't true and even if it was sappier than Connor had probably ever been. Jude just wanted to feel a little faith from Connor; he needed to feel a little faith.
Connor inhaled quickly. "I am yours, um, for the foreseeable future."
"So diplomatic."
"I guess it does sound impersonal," Connor admitted, and he sounded slightly sheepish. "But, um, I mean it. For the future I can picture, I can see you there."
Not quite mushy, but still enough to make Jude smile, hide his face in his blankets like a hormonal fifteen-year-old. It made him want to giggle, because it made him that happy.
"H-h-h-how's Dylan?" Connor asked. "H-h-h-h-how was last night?"
He was so sweet for trying, Jude thought. He cocooned himself completely in his blankets and closed his eyes as he started to speak. He smiled as he listened to Connor's little reactions, picturing how his boyfriend might be sitting, in an unknown hotel room, a large elephant nearby, listening to him completely. The thought made him happy.
Connor made him happy.
The chapter's title is after the song Angel By Your Side by Francesca Battistelli. If you have a song that reminds you of Barefoot And Bruised and would like it to be on the playlist – and possibly a chapter title – send it in and let me know! I'd love to hear your playlist suggestions! (Chapter titles are mostly chosen via shuffle.)
So, on tumblr I'm: we are all of legend now (with dashes between every word). If you want to find my replies to anon reviews, add backslash tagged backslash anon dash replies. If you want to see anything I post about Barefoot And Bruised, go to my tumblr URL and add backslash tagged backslash barefoot dash and dash bruised dash. Punctuation is spelled out due to Fanfiction's restrictions. If you're having any trouble accessing the tumblr content please send me a pm and I can format it for you in a different way.
~TLL~
