Seriously? Chapter 50? Holy Snood what is this?
The celebration of Christopher Douglas Hudson's birth had lasted far into the early morning hours. It had surprised Kurt to learn there were bars that were open on Thanksgiving night, but it hadn't surprised him in the least Puck knew where they were. The initial idea had been just to offer up a toast in honor of Finn, Courtney and little Topher (as christened by JoBeth and Brittany) but then Mike had found out about Matt's acceptance into the University of Chicago and it became a celebration for Matt as well. Even though Matt had protested the entire time it wasn't a big deal and he wasn't even sure if he was even going to go there. After all he still didn't know about grants, scholarships and financial aid.
It was almost as if the fact all of them really were growing up and were about to start new chapters in their lives dawned on all of them at once. Tina had even pointed out next year would be their five year reunion for McKinley. Although no one planned on going, it had sent a shiver down Kurt's spine. They really were at an age where they talked about things like reunions and who was having kids. For Gaga's sake he was now an uncle. He could remember seeing his own uncles when he was a child and thinking how old they were. He was not old.
Everyone was making plans for next year. Puck was going to continue working at the garage but now as a fully certified mechanic and not an apprentice. Mercedes and Santana were thinking about what schools they wanted to teach in. Artie was debating graduate school or starting up his own web-based business. Tina had cornered Matt to see if Matt had any different research than she did on programs in Educational Psychology. Quinn was still waiting to hear on her law school applications but Kurt knew she was hoping for Boston University. Rachel was talking about taking on some voice students while she continued to audition. Mike had some another touring production booked but was also hopeful for a regular gig in Las Vegas. Even Brittany had some idea of what she was doing next year, although Kurt was pretty sure "saving the gummi bear trees from being sold at the grocery" was an actual viable plan, but it was still something.
It wasn't as if this notion of the future coming was an entirely new idea to Kurt. Like everyone else in his circle he had made plans. He had sent off applications, portfolios and videos of his work to every top fashion school he could find. It was just a waiting game now. He knew that. However it never hurt to look at one more program. Even if he did consider himself absolutely crazy for doing this.
The lack of food from earlier from earlier, the lack of sleep and the alcohol had driven him to insanity. That was the most logical explanation as to why he was sitting up at four in the morning looking at the website for the Chicago Institute of Fashion and Design instead of going to bed.
Kurt chewed his bottom lip as he looked through all the information listed on the website. It was a good school, he had to admit. He hadn't really looked at it since it wasn't in New York or Los Angeles but it wasn't as lacking in connections as he had originally thought. True none of his highly favored avante garde designers had attended, but he still recognized a few of the names in the list of alumni. And he always had been a trailblazer.
He shook his head. What the hell was he doing? He had finished all his applications months ago. He didn't want to sweat out yet another portfolio that was due in less than two weeks for a school he hadn't even considered before tonight. And just why the hell was he considering it anyway? Because Matt had been accepted into the University of Chicago? Matt wasn't even sure if he was going to attend and it wasn't like they were dating.
It was just ridiculous. And pathetic. And insane. He didn't have the sudden urge to check out Amy's Academy of Design in beautiful downtown Lima just because Puck was going to be in town. It made no sense whatsoever to do this because his friend Matt might go to school in that particular city.
Except it made perfect sense if he was still in love with Matt.
Closing his eyes, he could still see how close they had come to kissing in the waiting room tonight. Sure it would have been easy to blame it on the excitement of the night and the anticipation that lingered in the air. Heightened emotional state and all that jazz. When the same urge had come over him at the bar, it could easily be dismissed as the product of too much alcohol and trips down memory lane. There were a million different ways he could trivialize the urge he had felt all night to just drag Matt away from the prying eyes of friends and family and kiss him properly.
Except he didn't want to excuse it. He didn't want to ignore it. In fact right now, sitting in the dark of his family dining room, he was seriously regretting not following that instinct altogether. He wasn't possibly developing feelings for Matt again as he had told himself in Bowling Green. He had feelings for Matt; real ones that went way beyond the line of friendship.
He wanted Matt back. No ifs, ands or buts about it. Being friends wasn't enough, if it ever was. A flash of guilt shot through him as his mind eye's flickered towards Austin. Now he could see what everyone had told him countless times before and Kurt had shrugged off. He couldn't deny there were similarities between the two anymore. Had he merely been with Austin just because he had reminded him of Matt? Kurt didn't want to think he had been that shallow and that unintentionally cruel but it was certainly possible. After all he had initially hesitated about moving in with Austin because he couldn't stop thinking about Matt asking that question. Kurt buried his head in his hands. He was officially a terrible person and Austin deserved so much better than him.
What exactly was he supposed to do here? Just walk up to Matt and announce he wanted to get back together? To hell with they were still going to different schools and they were still going to be in different schools next year? That even though they would be even poorer than they were right now and have to focus even more than they ever did to reach their dreams; they could also throw in a long distance relationship? Or was he supposed to suggest they find schools in the same city so they could at least see each other at night?
Mercedes and Leah, hell everyone in his family and friends would probably tell him that was exactly what he should do. If any of them even had an inkling of what he was contemplating they would probably drive him over to the Changs right now so he could tell Matt before he chickened out completely. And maybe it was what he needed to do and if Matt felt the same way, Kurt would have no problem at all making the first move.
But did Matt feel the same way? Kurt knew he hadn't imagined the fact they had almost kissed. But was it just euphoria on Matt's part? Matt hadn't thought he would be accepted to the University of Chicago after all. And although Kurt knew Matt would never admit it, he knew it was probably his dream school and dream program. The feelings of disbelief, accomplishment, pride and relief must have rolled into one unidentifiable wave. Matt probably didn't know what he was feeling at that moment. For all Kurt knew Matt had been embarrassed and thankful Finn had run in when he did.
If he went over to the Changs right now, told Matt how he felt and Matt didn't feel the same way? Kurt wasn't exactly sure how he would survive it. Their break up had been mutual and while their friends didn't understand it, they reluctantly supported it. If he put his heart on the line and Matt rejected it, the fall out wouldn't only hurt them, it would divide their friends. And Kurt wasn't about to expose Matt to a Mercedes Jones neck popping, finger wagging, lecture if he could help it.
He needed to be sure. He needed to know Matt felt the same way. A sign. Any sign at this point, even one as completely ridiculous as getting into a school that was in the same city that Matt's dream program was in. Then he would tell Matt the truth.
But not a second before then.
