Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. But sometimes I imagine I do... *A Dream Is Wish Your Heart Makes starts playing*
Operation ADMAAC, or Avoid Draco Malfoy At All Costs, wasn't going as swimmingly as I had hoped.
No matter where I went, I would always see him in the hallway, watching me with squinted eyes, filled with suspicion. My only saving grace was that he couldn't make a move in the crowded hall, or at least I thought he wouldn't.
Right now I honestly didn't know what to expect...all I knew was that when the time came, I would be in major trouble.
So I was doing everything I could to postpone that for as long as possible.
Hey, I always was a procrastinator, why shouldn't I push our ultimate confrontation to the last minute?
Anyway, lunch was bloody uncomfortable.
I was eating and trying to talk as I normally would, but whenever someone would touch me or bump into me unexpectedly, I would let out a small shriek and beg for him to go easy on me.
It was a rather odd gesture to my surrounding friends, and even more so to the person that touched me, which never actually was Draco.
This waiting was killing me.
After lunch I practically dragged my feet into D.A.D.A, my body shaking with apprehension when I noticed a head of platinum blond hair in the front of the classroom.
I was nervous. Shit, I never got nervous. I was always cool, composed, in control...until I started having feelings for Draco.
Shit shit shit shit bloody shit.
Why was I letting him get to me like this? Where was my Gryffindor courage? He was playing mind games with me; he probably wanted me to feel like this.
I plopped down in my seat and scoffed loudly, ignoring the puzzled looks my classmates gave me.
No, I wasn't going to back down and act like a scared little girl. I was done with that.
I would stand my ground and show him who was boss. No turning back.
I raised my head then, steeling my jaw with strong determination.
Chancing a look towards Draco, my stomach almost exploded with anxiety when I found he was already looking at me. His gaze didn't drop when we locked eyes; if anything his suspicion increased tenfold as he studied me intently.
After a couple moments my resolve began to waver, and when his eyes narrowed and mouth curled into a snarl, all of the fight left my body.
Yeah I was scared, no hiding that.
I quickly turned my head and tried to focus on anything else in the room; the wonderfully bland walls, Snape's greasy dark head as he watched the students enter the classroom, two Slytherin students making lovey dovey eyes at each other from across the room...and nope my eyes came back to Draco.
But he wasn't looking at me this time; he was staring straight ahead, with a bland, yet contemplative expression on his face.
I began to wonder what exactly he thought about this whole Potions mishap. I mean, I knew he knew that I purposely ruined his chances of getting the Felix Felices...
And I knew he knew I knew he knew...
Which meant that he knew I knew he knew – MERLIN'S BEARD SOMEONE STOP ME.
I always babbled when I was nervous or afraid, which didn't happen often. I guessed that was why I babbled – I never was in fearful situations, for me anyway, and so I never knew how to handle them when the time came.
But this was just getting pathetic, and if anyone around me could hear my thoughts they would have half a mind to send me to St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries for being insane.
However, all this thinking brought me to another point...what was Draco going to do?
I wasn't sure how much Draco knew, but I was sure that he was pissed and he was going to pry for the information when the time came. That part was predictable.
But what would he do to get that information?
Torture me? A small voice in the back of my mind came through, but I furiously shook my head as if to rid myself of the thought.
No way! Draco wouldn't do that to me! In the past years, maybe, but now? After everything?
I tried to shake my head again, but newfound doubts were slowly creeping into my mind.
If he thought I knew things about whatever he was involved in, how far would he go to keep me from talking or finding out more?
I barely knew anything at this point in time, but who's to say that I wouldn't find out more if we continued on like this? And what if the people he was involved in found out I was onto him?
Or more importantly Harry, Ron, and Hermione, because they wouldn't be as lenient or biased as I would...they had no personal affectionate connections to Draco like I did.
Like I did?
Of course I did. And now I realized...
When and if the time came that I found out information that could potentially help us and the Wizarding World, but hurt and hinder Draco, what would I do?
I repeatedly told myself I would do the right thing, do the greater good, but where matters of the heart are concerned, sometimes the right thing isn't always the best option...
NO! I thought so loudly and furiously that I almost shouted the word out in reality. I would have to do whatever it takes to make this world safer, for everyone, from people like Voldemort. And if that means giving up Draco, that is what I would have to do.
I let my thoughts rest just then, feeling completely drained and uncertain about everything I've ever known.
Oh Merlin I needed help. My mind was going to scary places.
I was so busy being lost in my thoughts that I hadn't realized that Snape had started class.
"Miss. Miro," Snape drawled out, his bland and monotone voice breaking me from my thoughts. "The confines of your own mind must be utterly fascinating-" I don't think he could've put more sarcasm into those words if he tried. "-but I am trying to teach, and it would do you well to pay attention."
I started to stammer, trying to find usable words, because 'shut up you big git' and 'get your abnormally large nose out of my business' were definitely not suitable.
"Excuse me, professor," I said through gritted teeth. "Sometimes I drift off when nothing of importance is happening." My words were vague enough to get away with, but this was Snape, and I knew there would be some kind of payment, even if it wasn't detention.
I heard Hermione gasp from beside me, obviously stunned at my blunt words, while Harry and Ron looked fairly amused and impressed. I knew I never really bluntly talked back to Snape, but my rational mind was deserted at this point.
Snape was glaring at me as if I had just blown up the classroom, insulted his family, and then stood up and danced on my desk. Which I did none of, and never saw myself doing ever.
Well, the desk thing could be fun...wait, stop thinking and go back to the present.
"Well Ms. Miro," Snape finally began, his voice low and hushed. "You seem to have given us a prime example of what someone is like with the absence of a brain to mouth filter," He stopped and crossed his arms in a way that made him seem a bit more threatening. "Would you like to inform the class as to what you were thinking about?"
I paled very quickly. I was never a good liar, and I was worse under pressure.
The whole class turned to me, and I even saw Draco's head tilt; looking at me without actually blatantly looking at me.
"Well...you see..." I pathetically attempted at an explanation, but trailed off.
"No really Miro we're all waiting to hear what you have to say with bated breath," Snape pushed. "I for one would like to know what you think about in your head while you sit here and fail to meet even the basic standards of my class. I knew when I saw your OWL scores you wouldn't be capable of handling this workload, and I seem to be right. Now for the last time, what were you thinking of that was so important?"
"Dancing on desks," I mumbled at last, wanting nothing more than to dig a hold into the ground and hide in it. Snape didn't need to give me detention, humiliating me was worse, way worse.
And since I was already feeling upset, not that he knew, it was like kicking me while I was down.
Merlin, could I ever have luck on my side?
At my answer a few students in the class, namely Slytherins, snickered, but shut up rather quickly under Snape's glare.
He turned back to me, and I knew the torture wasn't over yet.
"Dancing on desks?" he repeated loudly, as if to clarify.
I didn't move or nod, I just stared down at my desk.
"Well, there you go," Snape said simply, as if it explained everything. "No filter."
And seconds later he swiftly turned away and continued the lesson, as if nothing had ever happened.
He humiliated me in front of the whole class, and acted as if nothing even happened.
Usually I would've done the same. Snape never got to me too much, but with everything else I was feeling on top of this, I didn't know how long it would be until I crumbled.
Once class ended I rushed out of the room, not glancing at Snape because I didn't want to see his smug, self-satisfied expression.
Harry, Ron, and Hermione caught up with me out in the hallway.
"Don't listen to him," Ron said with disgust. "Snape's a git, you know that."
I nodded and shrugged at the same time, not wanting to go into this now.
I was done with my classes for the day – I had a break and then there was dinner.
"Christina, do you want to come to the Great Hall with us? Get a snack or something?" I heard Harry ask from beside me.
I shook my head, "No, no that's okay. You guys go on ahead, I'll meet you there if I change my mind," I said, but Ron and Harry looked apprehensive. "I'm fine, really. Go on," I assured them. After they tossed me another look, they whisked away down the hall. I turned to Hermione. "Do you want to come to the common room with me? I feel like just sitting and relaxing. Maybe take a nap or two?" I suggested. "Besides I'll be safe from Draco in there," I said the last part under my breath, and Hermione didn't seem to hear it.
She gave me an apologetic look, "Christina I have class, I'm sorry," She reached out and squeezed my arm. "After dinner we'll talk, alright?"
I only nodded stiffly. I didn't really want to talk about anything...I just wanted company until the mess of thoughts and emotions in my head died down and I was able to think clearly again.
"I'll see you later then," I murmured and backtracked down the hall towards the common room, leaving Hermione feeling guilty.
At least some luck was on my side today.
I had managed to get back to my common room with no interruptions or distractions, which was a very good thing.
The Gryffindor common room was almost empty; most people were probably in class. Although seated on the coach was one of the last people I expected to see, not because of who she was, but because I just hadn't spoken to her in a while.
"Ginny!" I exclaimed, a bit of surprise tinting my tone. "Don't you have class?"
Ginny turned her head to face me and smiled, "Nah, I have a free," She paused suddenly, and stared at my face. For a brief moment I thought that maybe I had gone bald or something, so I put up a hand to check.
Nope, still had my thin, straight, bland hair.
"Are you okay?" Ginny asked after a few seconds.
I froze. Gee, was I that obvious? "I'm fine," I assured her half-heartedly.
This only seemed to make her more suspicious, "Tell me what's going on and tell me now."
Her forceful tone was one I was used to, and she normally used it to get something she wanted. I sighed and relented, I was tired of fighting.
I mumbled through the story of what happened in D.A.D.A, skipping out on the parts about thinking of Draco.
Ginny was more amused than concerned by the time I finished. "You actually said that to him? Dancing on desks?"
I groaned, "Yes I actually did. An obliviate sounds perfect right now."
Ginny laughed once more before getting serious again. "But that wasn't what you were thinking, was it?"
To my surprise I found myself laughing. "Actually it was...but before then I was thinking about something else."
Ginny crossed her arms slowly and just looked at me. I was expecting her to ask what I was thinking about but she didn't, she just stared at me.
"How's Malfoy?" Ginny finally asked, and I felt the air leave my lungs in a gasp.
"Uh...um...well..." I stuttered before finally closing my mouth. I was making a fool of myself for the hundredth time today it seemed.
"Oh sorry if I wasn't clear enough," Ginny shook her head and smiled slightly. "I mean are you both still shagging?"
If I thought I was breathless before, well now I was practically suffocating.
Ginny's expectant gaze didn't help matters, either.
"I...that is to say...we haven't...yet," I managed to get out, my cheeks going red. It wasn't the thought of shagging that made me embarrassed, though sometimes when conversations became too graphic I withdrew; it was the fact that we hadn't yet...and that was the main reason we began our little tryst.
Ginny widened her eyes. "What?" she nearly shouted. "You haven't shagged yet?" I shook my head, avoiding her eyes. "Well then what the bloody hell are you doing with him?"
I bit my lip, feeling like I needed to defend myself. "It's not like we haven't actually done other things. And believe me, I want to. And it's come close sometimes, but we're always in alcoves or empty rooms and we never have enough time..." I mumbled an explanation.
"So all this time you weren't shagging?" Ginny clarified, in honest disbelief.
"Right," I nodded slowly.
We were both silent for a few moments.
"Christina, do you fancy Malfoy?" Ginny asked, and I closed my eyes.
Yes yes yes yes but it's more than that...I just...I...
"Christina, are you in love with him?" The tone of Ginny's voice made me look up at her immediately. It was a mixture of disbelief and apprehension.
I stared into her eyes, not knowing what answer to give, but I finally made up my mind. "Please don't make me answer that."
Ginny sucked in a deep breath and I braced myself for the shouting.
But none came.
Silence filled the room, and I glanced up at Ginny with apprehensive expectancy.
"When? How?" Ginny asked me quietly, a stark contrast to the voice I thought she'd have.
"I don't know," I shook my head, speaking honestly. "It just happened and I couldn't stop it. I tried, Merlin believe me I tried."
"And you were thinking about him before Snape caught you?" Ginny questioned again.
I sighed wearily, "Why do you want to know? Why aren't you just lecturing me? I know you want to."
Ginny shook her head, "I want to know how you feel...what you're thinking. Please, just explain to me?"
I didn't know what to say, what to explain. "I was thinking of Draco, yes," I began uncertainly. "I know he's got himself mixed up with the dark side, I know it. But his heart isn't in it, I know that too. He just thinks he has to be this way because he's in Slytherin, and his parents are biased, and he's a pureblood, and his father's a Death Eater and I can go on! But that isn't who he is," I paused. "Actually, yes that is who he is. That's who he decides to show. But deep inside I know him. He's given me the chance to know him. But I...I just can't seem to get through to him, no matter what tactic I try. And I know that soon it will be too late, and he'll be too forgone. And it scares me."
"Does he scare you?" Ginny asked.
"No," I replied with no hesitation. But the next part was difficult to articulate. "But I'm scared of who he's becoming. I'm scared of who he is involved with. You know, Voldemort and his followers. Soon Draco is going to become one of them, if he hasn't already, and what will I do then? He's already changing. He's paler, more nervous, acting desperate and frankly unpredictable at times. I'm afraid of losing the real him, the decent piece of humanity he has tucked away."
"Is that all you're afraid of?"
I shook my head again. "I'm afraid of losing myself as well," I answered with complete honesty.
Now that I was vocalizing my hidden thoughts, I felt a huge weight off my shoulders. I had someone to talk to rather than just keep it bottled up.
I continued, "I'm caught between my heart's desires and my moral desires. How can I choose when and if the time came? I would be letting down someone either way," I paused and looked up at Ginny suddenly, anger and defensiveness clear on my face and in my tone, "I know, I know that I will do whatever it takes to save the Wizarding World. Don't you ever doubt my conviction on that. Voldemort is public enemy number one, and nothing will stop me from helping to destroy him," I lost the anger when I saw the understanding look in Ginny's eyes. "I just know that whatever happens I'm going to lose a part of myself. But I want...I want to protect everyone...save everyone."
Ginny sighed. "Christina, you can't help everyone. You're not some kind of savior or crusader. You're a student, a girl, a witch. You play a small part in the bigger production. Saving everyone isn't your job, and if you keep that philosophy up you won't even be able to save yourself."
"But how do I help him? How?"
Ginny knew who I was talking about. "Some people don't want to be helped. You can't help those who don't want it, it's plain and simple."
"But he does," I said, wishing my voice held more conviction.
"Do you honestly believe that?"
I nodded after a few moments. "Yes, I do."
"Well then you've got some hard work ahead of you. I hope you know what you're doing," Ginny stood up then. "I think it's time for dinner."
I stood up as well. "Thanks for talking, Ginny. You really helped."
"Anything for you," Ginny gave me a small grin. "Oh and Christina? Maybe after you shag him once you'll realize that this could just be the built up tension."
I laughed, "I guess we'll see," I tried to tease, but my tone fell flat. I knew that wouldn't be the case. "Ginny...we're seeing each other. He's my...boyfriend." The word sounded funny in my mouth, but I held my conviction.
Ginny simply shrugged, "I assumed that was the case. And hey, I guess you could've done worse, he is pretty fit."
I laughed a real laugh this time, and without realizing I pulled Ginny in for a hug. "Merlin I needed that laugh, thanks."
Ginny hugged me back tightly. "But you know you could've done better. If you were looking for a boyfriend you should've told me! I know a bunch of decent guys who aren't arrogant Death Eaters in training."
I pulled away from the hug, "There's much more to him," I tried to explain.
"It's the hair, isn't it?" Ginny raised an eyebrow. "A very unusual color, but somehow it works on him."
I laughed again, "More than his hair!"
"Body, then? Ooh, I bet he has a bunch of toned muscles from playing Quidditch. And you know, those muscles definitely increase the stamina when he's shagging you senseless in the-"
"Ginny please, I can't take much more," I shook my head, trying to fight my wayward thoughts. It's not like any of that would happen soon, he was still pissed at me.
"Well then how about his smirk? I will admit, he does have his moments when he does one of them," Ginny admitted.
I went to protest again, but stopped, "Okay his smirk plays a little part," I mumbled.
"Gotcha!" Ginny shouted as we walked towards the Great Hall.
"And his eyes, they're intense," I sighed dreamily.
Ginny rubbed her chin, "Wait Merlin you're right, they are a nice color. I'm beginning to see why you're so into him. I admit, if he wasn't a foul git and mini Death Eater I would be on top of that too. Literally and figura-"
"Okay, thanks for that," I said sarcastically, but had a smile on nonetheless.
"Do you know how he feels about you?" Ginny asked suddenly.
I froze, but hid my uncertainty quickly. "I'm his girlfriend...I'm guessing he feels something for me?"
"Perhaps, but even if you're a guy's girlfriend, it's more of just a title to them, you know? There's no set in stone feelings or boundaries. Guys are weird like that."
I stared at Ginny curiously, "Tell me about it...and they say we're complicated."
Dinner went by quickly and it was rather uneventful.
I mostly spent it pushing the food around my plate and thinking.
Ginny took the news better than I thought she would...but I knew that joking around was only her trying to assure me of myself and her best wishes, in a way. I knew she still had her doubts and suspicions. But the reaction she allowed me to see was more than I could've asked for.
If I told Hermione, Harry, or Ron on the other hand...things wouldn't go down so smoothly.
Luckily I didn't plan on telling them anything in the near future. Although I hated lying to my friends, I knew this was for everyone's own good.
The Great Hall started to clear out, and Hermione, Ron, and Harry beckoned for me to get going, but I waved them away.
"I'll meet you in the common room after, I'm just going to finish eating," I said, and watched as they exited the Great Hall.
I did manage to clear my plate, though it took another fifteen minutes. By the time I was finished I was practically the only one left. The only other student there was a male Hufflepuff who looked to be asleep.
I stood up and exited the Great Hall. Turning the hall towards my common room, I walked right passed it and began wandering the halls. Curfew was in two hours, and I didn't feel like going back to the common room.
I knew that Draco would find me soon, I knew he'd be looking for the moment I was alone and 'grab-able', and so I was giving him a clear shot.
I was tired of waiting, tired of pushing off the inevitable. If he wanted answers from me, sure, fine, I'd give them to him. But only if I got answers right back.
Soon enough, I got my wish.
I was just passing by an empty hallway when a firm hand gripped my wrist and didn't let go.
"Malfoy," I murmured nonchalantly. "Fancy seeing you here."
Draco seemed a bit wary of my indifferent nature, but didn't let the uncertainty stay for long. "You've got a lot of explaining to do." Was all he said.
"Oh I do?" I let out a humorless chuckle. "You aren't here to lecture me too, are you? I think I got enough from Snape, wouldn't you say?"
"Well this is for something entirely different," Draco approached me slowly, and the closer he got the faster my heart rate spiked.
"Fine then. Have at it," I raised my hands, giving him the reigns.
Draco glared down at me, but pulled us further into the dark hallway when a couple students walked by. "Astronomy Tower. Now," he instructed – well, more like ordered.
I huffed but listened...I wanted to get my answers too.
Without looking at him or seeing what he would do, I turned and swiftly made my way up to the Astronomy Tower.
It was cold up here.
I wrapped my arms around myself, bracing against the chilly air.
I wasn't up here for a minute before Draco appeared on the top of the stairs. He continued forward towards me and at first I thought he was gonna push me off the tower, but he stopped once he got directly in front of me.
He was silent. He didn't speak.
I finally got fed up. "You wanna talk? Talk!" I goaded. "Come on, go ahead."
Draco snarled, "I want you to tell me what happened in Potions class." His voice was calm and controlled, surprising me.
"Oh, it wasn't obvious?" I asked, my voice dripping with sarcasm. "Goody, my cover isn't blown yet!"
Draco took another step forward. "Tell me."
I eyed him carefully. "You wanted the Felix Felices so badly. That was the first time I had ever seen you so excited about something that had to do with school. I knew something was up. And maybe I don't know personally what you're involved in, but I knew enough to know that I couldn't let you get the Felix Felices," I explained with no hesitation. "The liquid luck in your hands wouldn't have been such a good idea; you see where I'm going with this?"
"How much do you know?" Draco asked, his voice low and wary.
"Enough," I answered simply. "Not everything, but enough."
"Enough?" Draco repeated, coming even closer to me.
My heart stopped and then started again, faster than I think it had ever beat before. I felt afraid – not of him, but of the answers coming to light, the answers I could possibly receive. Things were going to change.
Draco noticed the fear flash in my eyes, but seemed to think it was for a whole other reason.
He stepped back quickly, one full step.
The action caught me off guard and I jumped slightly.
"Are you...afraid?" Draco asked quietly.
I looked at him in confusion, "Huh? No?"
Draco was not convinced. "Are you scared of me?"
Now I was really confused. "Draco I told you before, I'm not scared of you."
But Draco wasn't listening to my words, he was thinking over and over of the flash of fear he saw in my eyes. And no matter what was going on now, he hated seeing that.
"I wasn't going to hurt you. I wasn't," Draco said emphatically, gazing into my eyes.
Seriously, I was more confused than I had ever been in my life. "Draco I know that! What's the matter with you?" I tried to take a step towards him, but he stepped away quickly. "Draco!"
"I was so mad at you, am still so mad at you...you have no idea what you're meddling into. But not that mad, I promise," Draco seemed desperate for me to understand something that I honestly couldn't bloody understand.
I laughed, loudly. That was my only reaction to this. "Draco, you are confusing me beyond bloody belief," I snorted between chuckles.
Draco was the one confused now. "Before, I saw the fear in your eyes..."
Then it dawned on me. "Oh!" I gasped, putting a hand over my mouth. I went to reach for him, but he still pulled away. I knew I had to say my peace. "Draco," I began, shaking my head. "I'm not scared of you," I tossed him a smug grin. "I'll never be scared of you, can't change that. But I am scared of something. I'm scared of what you're becoming, what you're getting yourself into. I know that you feel like you have a reputation and legacy to maintain, but at what cost? Is it really worth it? If I know you at all, if I know your heart, I know this isn't what you want."
"You don't know-" Draco began, but I cut him off.
"Stop, don't try to protest or play a character in front of me. I don't need that, and I don't appreciate that. I want honesty, and I want you to listen," I gave him a glare and he reluctantly shut his mouth. I continued, "You drive me mad, Draco. You are capable of so much, and you're throwing all your potential away. For what? Someone like Voldemort? Do you think the Wizarding World needs someone like him? I know you have your beliefs, and I know they were ingrained into you all your life. I'm not asking you to completely give them up and go cold turkey. You have your morals, I get that. And I have mine. I wouldn't let you ask me to give mine up, so I'm not going to ask you. The question I will ask is, would it really be worth it in the end? Have you thought about the greater good? Or have you really been thinking at all?" I paused and took a step closer to him.
While gazing into his eyes, filled with unreadable emotions, I took a hold of his left wrist. He fought against my hold weakly, but I was able to keep it firmly in my grasp. "If I lifted up your sleeve, what would I find?" I asked, and began tracing up and down the material on his wrist.
It didn't feel different, and I briefly wondered if I would be able to feel the Dark Mark.
I chuckled quietly, "I almost don't want to look. I don't want to know. But...I have to know." I began to trace down his wrist until I reached the end of his sleeve. I started to push up and was surprised when Draco didn't stop me.
I looked up and met his eyes. He seemed resigned and weary, but he still held my gaze. "You can look," he finally whispered breathlessly. "I won't stop you."
I bit my lip, feeling my eyes burning with unshed tears. "Stop me...please stop me." I continued to pull his sleeve up, but I wasn't making much progress.
"Christina..." Draco said, and that was it. I released his arm and grabbed his shoulders almost violently.
"Tell me!" I demanded, my face pressed into his chest. "Tell me it isn't there! Bloody hell Draco tell me!" I shouted over and over. "TELL ME!"
"I can't...I can't...look for yourself...look..." Draco continued to whisper into my ear.
I shook my head against his chest, "No, I can't. I can't. Not yet. Not now. Maybe not ever. Please, let's stop this tonight. No more."
Draco heaved in a breath. "Okay Christina," he finally said.
After a few moments I peered up at him slowly. "You know why I can't look, don't you?" I asked, my voice strong although my composure wasn't.
Draco nodded. "I know..." he began, and then sighed as if he was winded. "It's the same reason I was willing to show you."
Draco's POV
I watched as the students walked in the halls, but none of them was who I was looking for currently. No...this certain girl had a special place in my heart – and on my nerves. She went by the name of Christina Miro.
I swear to Merlin, that girl really knew how to drive a mate bonkers.
She didn't go into her common room, I saw, and I knew she was walking around, perhaps waiting for me to snatch her up. I really needed to talk with her.
Well, talk was an understatement. Yell? Maybe. Interrogate? Getting closer.
The stunt she pulled in Potions was maddening. So maddening it actually made me mad. Usually her attempts to act mad and annoying were rather alluring, and dare I say cute, but I would never tell her that and you'd never get me to admit it.
So instead of being turned on, here I was...angry and looking for some answers.
From the corner of my eye I noticed a female student walking by, very slowly, as if looking for someone. She looked to be Christina's build and height, so I took my chances and reached out for her. If it wasn't her...then I would have to throw out an excuse.
Luckily when I got a good look at her face, I saw Christina's familiar features. Beautiful features...okay now I was getting off the point.
"Malfoy? Fancy seeing you here," Christina said in her sarcastic voice which really got on my nerves.
I paused for a second, though. From the looks she gave me today, I would've thought she'd be more nervous. But it didn't matter. "You've got a lot of explaining to do," I informed her sternly.
Christina seemed almost darkly amused. "Oh do I?" she asked. "You aren't here to lecture me too, are you? I think I got enough from Snape, wouldn't you say?"
I thought back to D.A.D.A. Yes, she did get quite the lecture. Not totally undeserved, but I digress. "Well this is for something entirely different," I explained to her, not really caring about Snape or anything of the sort. I just needed my answers. I walked towards her slowly, and I could see her gulp.
Usually by now I would've just grabbed her and kissed her hard, or she would've grabbed me, but this was an entirely different circumstance. The thought was not unwelcome or ruled out of the question, though. Merlin, the feel of her lips against mine...that was enough to get me going. Even thinking about it did, my slowly growing erection proof enough.
I tried to clear my thoughts and channel the anger. Yes, angry good. Horny bad.
"Fine then. Have at it!"
I tuned back into the conversation in time to hear her snap at me. With my anger channeled I advanced on her, but stopped when I saw more students walk down the hallway. I knew we needed to get out of the open to have a proper talk. Or fight. Either would work for me. "Astronomy Tower. Now," I ordered, not caring if she didn't like to be bossed around. Now wasn't the time for that.
Christina must've agreed because she turned and left without another word...well okay, I could slightly hear the unflattering string of words she was muttering under her breath as she walked away. Very colorful indeed. And amusing, though I tried to hide it.
I followed after her moments later.
The winter air hit me as I entered the Astronomy Tower.
I saw Christina standing there, looking in my general direction but not actually at me.
That was good. If we made eye contact for longer than five seconds I may just lose all of my inhibitions and got at it with her right here.
I marched towards her quickly, not slowing or stopping until I stood directly in front of her. She glanced up at me and I was guessing she expected me to talk first...but I was too caught up in her face, her eyes.
She was beautiful, especially under tonight's moon. I don't think I told her that enough, but why should she want to hear something she already knows? Or should know?
Christina seemed fed up with my silence. "You wanna talk? Talk? Come on, go ahead," she pushed.
I fought back a grimace. Here I was thinking of her in all her beauty...that was not what this was about. "I want you to tell me what happened in Potions class," I spoke calmly, not giving away any emotion I was or was not feeling.
Christina got that sarcastic look on her face again and I braced myself for the outburst. "Oh, it wasn't obvious? Goody, my cover isn't blown yet!" she shouted.
I took a step forward, not in the mood for her sarcasm. "Tell me," I demanded.
And tell me she did. I was surprised at how easily she managed to part with the information, but it didn't seem like a big secret. So I listened until she finished her explanation.
I grew more nervous towards the end. How much did she know? I managed to voice my question out loud.
Christina's answer was a simple 'enough'.
My anger was boiling, and so were my nerves. She couldn't know everything, could she? That wouldn't be good...for anyone. I needed to make sure. That's what I needed. I stepped forward again. "Enough?" I repeated, my voice low and grave.
And in that split second everything changed.
I saw fear pass through Christina's eyes, true fear. I looked down at my body, and how close I was to her, how threatening I looked.
Oh no. No no no no...she thinks I'm going to hurt her. How could she even think that?
I threw myself backwards quickly, almost falling over.
I wasn't going to hurt her...never...never...
"Are you afraid?" I asked, my voice shaking. I hated how weak I sounded, but I needed to know the truth.
Confusion flashed across Christina's face. "Huh? No?" she replied, but I was barely listening.
Is she lying? Is she trying to appease me?
"Are you scared of me?" I tried again.
More confusion showed on Christina's face. "Draco I told you before, I'm not scared of you."
My mind kept picturing the fear in her eyes...the fear of me.
It was my turn to be confused.
Isn't this what I wanted? I wanted people to be afraid of me. I wanted power and authority. I wanted people to look at me and know that I held supremacy. People should fear me...I'm a bloody Death Eater! And with my father being who he is...I should be feared!
I shook my head, scattering all the thoughts until one came through.
Not Christina.
Christina shouldn't be afraid of me, ever. I never want that. The thought alone filled me with dread. She was my girlfriend! I lov – care about her. I care about her. A great deal. Very much...you could call it...
I broke out of my thoughts. I needed her to understand. "I wasn't going to hurt you. I wasn't," I said desperately.
Christina looked at me like my hair had suddenly turned long and black. "Draco I know that! What's the matter with you?" She reached out towards me and out of instinct I jumped back, not allowing her to successfully touch me. "Draco!" she shouted in frustration.
I needed to make her understand. "I was so mad at you, am still so mad at you...you have no idea what you're meddling into. But not that mad, I promise," I said with all the sincerity I had in me.
And then she laughed. She actually laughed.
"Draco, you are confusing me beyond bloody belief," she told me, still laughing.
I was a bit confused now. "Before, I saw the fear in your eyes..." I trailed off and watched as a knowing look spread across her face.
"Oh!" she gasped, and went to reach for me.
I moved out of the way quickly. She couldn't touch me, not yet.
"Draco," Christina began, shaking her head. "I'm not scared of you. I'll never be scared of you, can't change that. But I am scared of something. I'm scared of what you're becoming, what you're getting yourself into. I know that you feel like you have a reputation and legacy to maintain, but at what cost? Is it really worth it? If I know you at all, if I know your heart, I know this isn't what you want."
For the sake of my pride, I knew I had to defend myself. She didn't know half of what was going on, and I intended on telling her that, but she cut me off.
I listened to her rant on and on, until she finally stopped.
But I nearly went into heart failure when I felt her strong hand grab for my left wrist.
Out of habit I attempted to pull it away, but it was a half-hearted attempt and soon she was bringing it up in between us. I tried to wipe any emotion off my face, but I felt many things. Fear, anger, anxiety, sadness...
"If I lifted up your sleeve, what would I find?" she asked me quietly before tracing up and down the material covering my wrist. "I almost don't want to look. I don't want to know. But...I have to know."
This was it...I couldn't hide it anymore. I couldn't live with the secrecy, and the shame. The shame was what surprised me, and I never felt it unless Christina was around. Before I was actually okay with the Dark Mark. Not proud, but not unhappy.
But now...with Christina. I was actually starting to regret it. A part of me wished I could use a time turner and change the past, but I couldn't. And now I had to face the consequences.
Well, the time has come.
"You can look," I finally whispered, all the fight leaving me. The only thing that remained was hopelessness. "I won't stop you," I told her.
She started to pull up my sleeve uncertainly, and I just waited pitifully. "Stop me...please stop me," she started to say, but I wouldn't. Merlin, did I wish I could...but no, I wasn't going to.
"Christina..." I trailed off; trying to put everything I didn't want to show on my face into her name. Maybe she would understand.
Well she understood something, because she practically threw my arm down and gripped onto my shoulders for dear life, pushing her face into my chest.
"Tell me!" she ordered, her voice muffled. I wrapped my arms around her tightly. I wasn't going to tell her. She would have to look herself. "Tell me it isn't there! Bloody hell Draco tell me!" she kept shouting. "TELL ME!"
"I can't...I can't...look for yourself...look..." I whispered, shaking my head.
"No, I can't. I can't. Not yet. Not now. Maybe not ever. Please, let's stop this tonight. No more," Christina was pleading against my chest, and a jolt of hope sprung into my heart.
"Okay Christina," I replied softly, trying to console her in any way I could. I was still unused to having to see her in this way, but I pushed the awkwardness away and just acted.
After a few moments she lifted her head and peered up at me. "You know why I can't look, don't you?" she asked.
I closed my eyes, knowing the answer in my heart. Yes, I knew why. Yes, I felt it too. I felt it.
"I know..." I began, and then sighed loudly, releasing every pent up emotion from my body. "It's the same reason I was willing to show you."
A/N: MERLIN'S BEARD. Okay that was really intense, I'm a bit winded from writing that. But now you see their relationship is going to change. Very much so. They're going to be closer, in more ways than one (; But in all seriousness, this was an extremely important chapter, and one of the longest ones. I hope you all enjoyed and will review. Thanks to everyone who reviewed, it means a lot. Shout outs will be in the next update!
Anyway for the question, I got many answers. It's fun to see what you guys will reply with and your answers. Now for me, my favorite book is Order of the Phoenix, even though IT IS TRAGIC. And my favorite movie is Prisoner of Azkaban. I really liked it. I mean, I like them all, but I really liked that one.
Okay next question! Hmmm...what Hogwarts' subject do you think you'd be best at and why? Quidditch counts too! R&R! :D
Also important: Some have asked me how long this is going to be...I don't really have a set schedule but I think I may go up to the end of Half Blood Prince, and then perhaps do a sequel if it's wanted? Actually...I think I will do a sequel. Any thoughts?
