Chapter Fifty-Four

January 2010

It had been a difficult few weeks. Joey had reluctantly taken time off work and left Aden in charge of the boat after hiring a couple of new crew members. While at first she'd been determined to just carry on as normal, ignoring everything and pushing all her problems to one side, the counsellor she'd reluctantly begun to see had convinced her that if she didn't deal with things now, she never would. So, she'd cancelled work and focussed on counselling, getting herself better and happier. She busied herself most days with housework, helping Ruby with homework, spending time with Aden and building her friendship back up with Charlie. Her ex-girlfriend had been amazing. Since New Year, they'd spent every night curled up together, although nothing had happened. Joey didn't feel ready to contemplate a relationship yet. If she was being honest, she didn't feel like she ever would. And she was desperately afraid of losing her for good if she ever tried anything. Charlie was too important to her to not have her in her life. Friendship was good enough. They had always worked well that way. At the heart of their relationship, at the root of everything they had ever been through together, they had been best friends all their lives and that meant the world.

"Hey."

Joey turned when Charlie entered the kitchen looking grubby. She tried not to find her attractive but standing there rugged and dirty in her uniform, having already let her hair loose, Charlie was making it difficult.

"Hi," she replied.

"I'd hug you but..."

She gestured to the state she was in.

"This afternoon was... unpleasant!"

"Yeah, I got your text," Joey said with a smile. "The bath should be ready for you to just jump into and dinner will be ready in an hour."

Charlie beamed at her.

"You're the best! Thank you!" she said, unbuttoning her shirt as she headed through the house.


Once Charlie was clean again, she entered the kitchen still with wet hair. Joey was just serving up.

"No Ruby?" she asked, noting her little sister's absence.

"She's got a study session with Annie," Joey explained, putting a plate of pasta in front of her ex-girlfriend.

Charlie smiled gratefully.

"Looks delicious," she said. "Thank you."

She couldn't help but notice the way Joey winced when she sat down. It made her want to cry. Wincing meant new injuries and new injuries meant a bad day. Joey tried to hide it but New Year had hardly been a big rescue mission. She still turned to cutting when she needed it. Charlie had spent hours researching self-injury and how to handle it as a bystander.

"You okay?" she asked quietly.

Joey nodded. She knew that Charlie knew and was aware that Charlie had begged her just to let her know so that she knew what she was working with. Joey had tried but often, it felt too hard to say the words. She felt too ashamed. So she tried to hide. But Charlie always found her out. She looked up when Charlie touched her hand.

"Do you need anything?"

"I'm fine," Joey promised.

She smiled to confirm and they began to eat.

"Thanks for being so good to me," Charlie said. "With the bath and dinner and everything. I could get used to this!"

"Well, I figure you deserved it after chasing a thief through the woods and landing in a puddle."

Charlie snorted.

"You make me sound so uncouth! It was way more exciting than that!"

"I'm sure," Joey teased.

"Hey, um, I was wondering... for my birthday, would you um... like to go see a show or something?"

Charlie felt her hands become clammy. It was as if she was asking her out on a date.

"That would be nice," Joey accepted.

They smiled at each other, still getting used to how to be together. They were friends. Nothing romantic had happened between them since the initial split. But they looked after each other, they shared a bed and they didn't date other people.

"Great," Charlie said. "I'll have a look to see what's on and we can book something."


That night, Charlie and Joey lay side by side in bed together. Charlie listened to Joey fidgeting. Charlie reached out a hand.

"Are you alright?" she asked.

"Yeah, I'm just irritated," Joey replied.

"Can I help?"

"I just thought I'd made so much progress."

Tears were upon her before Joey realised they were coming. She wiped her eyes. Every day she was sure she was making progress but every so often, she would slip up and undo all her hard work.

"Hey," Charlie said softly, leaning in to hold her.

Joey wrapped her arms around her shoulders and allowed herself to cry.

"I just keep messing up," she sobbed.

"It's okay, Joey," Charlie said tenderly. "You are making progress and nobody can take that away from you. So you slip up sometimes? It's the same as anything... of course you're going to struggle from time to time. But each time, you'll get stronger for it. Joey, this is only temporary. You'll heal from it."

"Will I?" Joey asked, tearfully pulling away.

"Yes."

"What if once you enter that world, you can't get out of it?"

Charlie propped herself up against the pillows and drew Joey carefully into her arms.

"I'm no expert but you're right. I think once you get to that place, it'll always be a part of you. I think you'll probably always have that in the back of your mind as a coping mechanism. But I think what will happen is that you'll learn to override it. You'll consider it, acknowledge that it doesn't help, and move on. And also, if you do slip up from time to time, eventually, it won't feel like the end of the world. You'll be able to accept it as a mistake and move on."

"You really think I'm strong enough to walk away from it, Charlie?" Joey asked sceptically.

"I'm absolutely certain," Charlie replied. "You're the strongest person I've ever known. It's completely possible to recover from this kind of thing. If other people have done it, then you will. I know you will."

Joey hugged her a little tighter, feeling comforted. They fell asleep in each other's arms.


February 2010

It was Valentine's Day. Charlie had chosen to work an extra shift. Joey had invited Aden round to watch a few horror films in order to forget the fact that they were both single and still desperately in love with their former girlfriends. Ruby was on a date with Xavier and most of the rest of the town were loved up and happy.

"So, any progress with Charlie?" Aden asked.

They were watching a remake of a classic slasher horror and had so far spent most of the time yelling at the TV screen that the characters were stupid for doing this, that and the other and therefore deserved to die.

"What progress is there meant to be?" Joey asked flatly.

"Well, you seem to be getting on so great now. I thought..."

"No."

Joey's attention was caught by the movie.

"You idiot!" she yelled at the main character. "Go upstairs and into the bathroom? Have you never seen a horror movie? That's the worst place ever! Ugh, she deserves to die!"

"That's the lamest decision ever!" Aden agreed. "And stop bloody screaming if you don't want him to find you!"

They both ssshed her as they watched the horror unfold.

"Not even when you went to see 'Wicked' together?" Aden, asked, returning to their earlier conversation.

"No. I mean, we had a great time but... no."

"And no hint of anything tonight?"

"I just want tonight to be over."

"Thanks!"

"Oh, you know what I mean."

"Joey, seriously, do you want to be back with Charlie?"

"I honestly don't know," Joey said. "We're best friends again and I don't really want to break that. I feel safe like we are now. I don't want to complicate anything."

"But you already know how great things can be," Aden pointed out.

"And I know how awful things can be when they go wrong," Joey reminded him.

"I don't know," Aden shrugged. "I'd take Belle back in a heartbeat if she ever asked. But no, she's busy screwing Hugo. She doesn't love me anymore. But Charlie, she still loves you. And you love her."

"I know I do," Joey sighed. "But it's too much. We need to stay friends. I can't lose her again."


Charlie was lost in her own thoughts. She wondered if Joey and Aden were having a nice time together and if Joey was thinking about her. It had been four months since they'd broken up and six weeks since they'd begun to build bridges. She wondered how far bridge building would take them. Charlie knew with no hint of a doubt that she wanted to be with Joey again but she didn't want to push. Joey didn't seem interested in her, although they behaved as the old married couple they always had been. They laughed together, ate together, talked about everything, went out, shopped, cooked and even shared a bed. But it wasn't like before. There were no sneaky, startling kisses that they chose not to talk about and deal with. She supposed they had been through too much to start that again. Right now, it was completely platonic. It was frustrating but Charlie was committed to being here for whatever Joey needed from her.


Joey was already asleep by the time Charlie got home. In the darkness of the room, she stripped off and threw a baggy t-shirt over her head. Sliding beneath the sheets, she had to force herself not to curl into Joey. That way of sleeping was something of the past. She was surprised when Joey rolled over.

"You're late," the younger girl murmured.

"Yeah, I hung on for a bit," Charlie replied.

"I was worried."

"Sorry. Did you have a good night with Aden?"

"Yeah, we condemned various horror heroines to death and told directors how they should run their dumb movies," Joey grinned.

"Typical night then."

"Pretty much."

Without thinking, they pressed their lips chastely together. It was a brief but heart stopping moment.

"Goodnight," Joey said quickly.

She rolled back over and shut her eyes, feeling guilty. She shouldn't have kissed Charlie. She only wanted to be friends. Sending mixed messages was a cruel thing to do. Charlie sighed as she watched Joey turn away from her. She closed her own eyes, unable to stop herself replaying every delicious moment they had ever shared over and over in her mind.


March 2010

Joey sat in the familiar chair she spent her usual therapy sessions in. Her therapist, Helen Archer was a nice woman with blonde hair and a broad smile. She was pretty and kind and Joey trusted her. Over the past three months, she'd shared every hurt that had led her to the first moment she'd hurt herself on purpose. She'd attempted to work through her irrational accusation that everyone left her. Helen had gently pointed out that her parents and Elsie hadn't left her. Dying was a different thing to walking away from somebody. They'd spent several sessions tackling the Brett issue and delved into her feelings of rejection from her father from when she was a tiny child. She'd sadly concluded that as much as she had loved him until the day he died, in the back of her mind, there was an element of there being too little too late. She didn't want it to be there but there it remained. Most of her time had been spent talking about Charlie. Helen knew of everything they had been through since they were just babies and she was pushing her to puzzle out what she wanted from Charlie now. She'd pointed out that friends don't share a bed. And exes don't tend to share houses and retain mortgages. Joey had tried to explain that they were different and that they couldn't walk away from each other. Helen allowed her to put the future on the backburner but Joey was aware that it would never stay there for long.

"So, how are things at home?" Helen asked.

"Fine," Joey said. "They're great. We're all living together quite happily."

"How would you feel about Charlie coming in for a joint session one day?"

Joey tensed.

"How would that help?" she asked.

"Joey, you're in limbo right now," Helen said. "You're not working aside from doing the books. You're playing housewife to a woman who isn't your partner and you're sharing her bed as if it's platonic. I really believe that the change for you, the way forward, lies in making a change in your relationship with Charlie."

"I don't want to change my relationship with Charlie," Joey said defensively.

"Do you think she wants to change her relationship with you?"

"I don't know."

"From what you tell me, she seems to love you very much."

"We do love each other," Joey said. "We're friends. Friends love each other."

"But it's a little more complicated than that, isn't it?"

Joey sighed.

"I don't want to talk about it."

"What would you like to talk about?"

"I don't know."

"Okay. Well a joint session is just an idea," Helen told you. "You let me know if you want to take me up on it."

Joey nodded and looked out of the window.


A couple of weeks later, Joey appeared to have firmly settled in an administrative and accounting role. It was something she had done since she had taken over the business from Brett but she'd always been happier out on deck, working manually. Now, she preferred to stay out of the way. She was too afraid of the world, herself and her bad days to venture too far out. She had made a lot of progress in seeing her friends and Charlie and Aden had been perfect supports to her. She saw Helen every Monday and relied heavily on the therapy sessions. Ruby didn't really understand what was going on but she knew that her surrogate sister was depressed and she was doing everything she could to make her happy. She was cleaning the bathroom when her phone beeped. It was Rachel inviting her to the Jukebox for a drink with 'everyone'. Joey took a deep breath and accepted the invitation. She wanted to get back on her feet and start again and this was all part of the process.


That evening, Charlie leant against the bar ordering another two glasses of wine for herself and Joey. She was in too good a mood to even care about the way that Brad was looking down her top. She glanced behind her. Joey was giggling away with Rachel, Tony and Martha. It had taken everyone a little bit of time to get their heads around the idea of Rachel and Tony being an item but the more time they spent with them as a couple, the more perfect and obvious they seemed together. The fact that they had been teacher and student once upon a time, and that Rachel was the same age as Tony's eldest son seemed utterly irrelevant now.

"Hello?"

Charlie had been lost in gazing at Joey. It was nice to see her so happy and relaxed. It felt like a lifetime since she'd really been herself. Charlie turned back to the barman and paid for her drinks. Balancing them carefully, she returned to her friends.


As the night progressed, Charlie was having a wonderful time. Much of her evening had been spent leaning back on the sofa of the Jukebox with Joey tucked up next to her. They'd bought each other drinks, shared jokes, enjoyed time with their friends and in a lot of ways it felt like they had never split up. Joey giggled and sipped her white wine. On the anti-depressants Helen had prescribed, she had to be careful about alcohol intake but a few glasses didn't matter, she didn't think. Charlie smiled at the curve of Joey's lips, enjoying how much she was smiling. She lost herself in the smoothness of her skin and the way she fussed subconsciously with her dark hair. She really is the most perfect woman alive, she thought to herself.

"Isn't that right, Charlie?"

Startled and a little embarrassed, Charlie looked up.

"Sorry, what?"

"I was saying that school kids don't behave nearly as well as we did," Rachel repeated.

Charlie grinned.

"You're showing your age," she said.

"Hey!"

Joey giggled. Jack entered the bar and caught sight of the crowd. He and Martha exchanged nervous glances. All hadn't been well since their failure to conceive a child but they were hopeful that love would win out. Approaching the group, Jack perched on the arm of Martha's chair and she slipped her arm around his waist. They kissed.

"Oh, a slow song!" Rachel said excitedly.

Suddenly she pulled Tony up to dance. Without getting any kind of say in the matter, Tony followed to the small space in the room that acted as a dance floor. Martha looked at her husband hopefully.

"Would you like to?" she asked, desperate to bring some romance back into their lives.

Jack nodded and took his wife's hand, leading her up to dance. Left alone and sitting beside each other, Charlie and Joey exchanged shy glances and looked away. Charlie cleared her throat and Joey shifted a little but didn't move away from her ex-girlfriend. Charlie licked her lips, images of their dance classes and moments of closeness and love they'd shared during their relationship fluttered into her mind.

"Would you like to...?" she asked.

Joey's heart began to race. They idea of dancing with Charlie was very tempting. She would love to be held in her arms, sharing in the music and connecting with each other. But was it a good idea really? She'd nodded before she'd answered the question in her head. Tentatively they got to their feet, taking each other in their arms. Charlie held Joey close enough to make her feel clumsy but far enough away to be polite. They gazed into each other's eyes, losing themselves in each other and the music as they danced.

As the song continued, Charlie felt herself leaning closer and closer. She couldn't help it. She just loved to have Joey near. With the song nearing its end, Charlie and Joey were both aware of how close they were. Hands were clasped, breasts were crushed and hips brushed hips ever so slightly; mouths were barely inches apart. Steadying her racing heart and knowing that she was running out of time before the moment was lost, Charlie decided that it was now or never. Since New Year, she and Joey had become closer and closer. They seemed to love each other as much as they always had, even if nothing physical was happening between them. Now, holding Joey so close, the desire to kiss her was too strong to resist.

Moving to close the gap between them, Charlie leant carefully forward. Just as she was about to brush her lips against Joey's, Joey turned away. She held Charlie a little closer but rested her head on her shoulder instead of allowing them to kiss. Deflated, Charlie sank into the embrace and tried not to feel rejected. Nestled on Charlie's shoulder, Joey's mind was reeling. Charlie had tried to kiss her. Right then and there, she had been about to make her move. And I pulled away, she reminded herself. She wondered how Charlie was feeling now. She'd tried to make it look like some unhappy accident – that she'd moved at the same time Charlie had and that she hadn't noticed the impending kiss. She wondered if Charlie would try again. She wondered how she would respond.


Charlie was feeling despondent as she and Joey arrived home. She couldn't work out if Joey had rejected her or if she hadn't realised that the kiss was coming. Her heart told her that she'd just been told in no uncertain terms that Joey's lips were no longer hers to kiss. It was devastating. Her hope burned ever so small, telling her to try again and find out for sure but she wasn't sure she could take it. In their bedroom, the girls turned away from each other to get changed. They crawled into bed, absently chatting about the night and their friends. Lying beside Joey in the dark, Charlie knew she wouldn't get to sleep if she didn't do something to try and address the issue. Turning on her side, she studied Joey's outline. She even looks beautiful in silhouette, she thought to herself. Catching hold of her hand on top of the sheets, she smiled through the dark.

"It was nice to dance with you tonight," she said softly.

"Yeah," Joey agreed. "I enjoyed it. Those lessons definitely didn't go to waste."

"They were fun."

"A lot of fun."

"We really have had some wonderful times together, haven't we, Joey?"

"We have," Joey confirmed, a little unsure of where this was leading.

Charlie's mouth came towards her without warning. It was startling and Joey wanted to kiss her more than anything but instinctively, she turned. She pressed her lips against Charlie's cheek, nearly bursting into tears when she felt Charlie physically sigh against her in response.

"Goodnight, Charlie," Joey said quickly.

She turned over, hoping sleep would claim her. With moist eyes, Charlie watched Joey roll away from her. Perhaps not knowing was better. Having confirmation that their love really was over, hurt like hell. What had she done wrong? Why didn't Joey love her anymore? Why couldn't they just fit back together the way they always had? Why couldn't Joey just communicate with her a little instead of hiding her feelings all the time? Sighing heavily, she rolled away from Joey and cried herself to sleep.


Over the next couple of days, Charlie and Joey felt awkward with each other and barely spoke. Charlie was embarrassed for making it so obvious that she wanted to be with Joey again and she was hurt at being rejected. Joey felt guilty for mishandling things. Sitting at her desk, frustrated by the situation, Charlie gave up on her paperwork and decided to take a long lunch. She needed to talk to Joey once and for all. Giving a vague excuse to Watson and Jack, she hurried out and drove home. Letting herself into the house, she was met with silence. Heading through the house, she trotted up the stairs. The bathroom door was open.

"Joey?" she called.

She nudged open the bedroom door, her blood immediately turning cold. Joey jumped up, her mouth hanging open. Charlie just stared, her lip trembling at the sight of tears rolling down Joey's cheeks and blood trickling down her leg.

"You're not supposed to be here," Joey said, as if Charlie had done something terrible by coming home early.

"Joey..."

Joey hurried forward, tears still burning her eyes.

"You need to leave," she said, pushing Charlie back out the door.

"But..."

"Get out!"

"Joey, I can't leave you like this!" Charlie argued, finally bursting to life.

"Get out!" Joey repeated.

She shoved Charlie hard in the shoulders until she'd stumbled backwards out of the door. Slamming it shut, Joey raced around the room and began to desperately clean herself up. In the hallway, Charlie stared at the door through blurred vision. She leant against the wood.

"Joey?" she called.

There was no answer.

"Joey, please just let me know you're okay."

"I'm okay."

"You didn't... you don't need stitches or anything?"

"No."

Unsure of what to do or how to handle the situation, Charlie sat down on the floor opposite the door, resting her elbows on her knees. After a few minutes the door opened. Dressed as if nothing was wrong, Joey came and sat beside her.

"I'm sorry," she said.

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yes. I'm sorry."

"What happened?"

"I just got stressed out."

"Why?"

Joey shrugged.

"It doesn't matter."

"It does."

"I just feel like a let down."

"You're not a let down."

Joey gazed into Charlie's face. There was so much she wanted to say but words failed her. Charlie saved her from explanations by putting an arm around her and cuddling her close. She kissed the top of Joey's forehead.

"Baby steps," she said. "Every day, baby steps. You'll get there."

They sat on the floor together for hours.


April 2010

Charlie was downing the last of her coffee before work when Joey emerged in the kitchen. They were still close but things still felt strange between them since the two near-kisses the previous week.

"Have a good day," Joey said, as she watched Charlie gather together her keys and bag.

"Thanks," Charlie said. "You too."

They looked awkwardly at each other, unsure of whether to hug or not. Choosing not to, Charlie headed out of the back door. Suddenly, she turned back.

"Joey?" she said.

"Yes?"

"Do you still love me at all?"

The question was a risk but she needed to know.

"Of course I do," Joey said.

The words were out but neither of them knew what it meant for them.