Her arms were wrapped around his body, they were both on their right sides. Olivia's front was pressed into his back.
Elliot had tried to slip away once, knowing she would be uncomfortable when she awoke, but her grip on him had tightened and she'd mumbled something incoherently that he couldn't make out. He'd eventually decided to just stay there and relax the best he could until she woke up.
He knew the moment it happened.
Elliot could feel her body go rigid against his. The covers were pooled just below their waists and from how his head was angled on the pillow, he could see goosebumps begin to form on her arm.
"Olivia?" He tried lightly, hoping to reach her before she went into full panic, if that was what she was going to do.
She sucked in a breath and swallowed hard, still not moving.
Her head was positioned with her forehead resting against the back of his neck, she'd been curled into the back of his body.
Random memories flooded her mind, accompanied by an instant headache throbbing in her skull.
"You're okay…." He soothed, reaching to cover her left arm with his own, lacing their fingers together as his hand covered hers over his stomach.
"Did… we didn't…?" She'd left the question in the air, not quite sure she should finish it, or if she even could.
"No." He said strongly, rubbing his thumb over hers.
Olivia swallowed hard again and moved her head and torso back a couple of inches to give herself some distance.
"Elliot…" She whispered lightly, although there was a bit of panic in her voice. "I'm… I don't think I'm wearing anything…" Her head was foggy. She shut her eyes briefly to try and ground herself.
Her breasts were still very much pressed into his mid back
It wouldn't have been the first time she'd woken up in bed with a man naked and not remember the entire night before, but it would have been the first time since Lewis ever attacked her, and the first time she'd done so with Elliot.
"You have on panties." He corrected her gently, still caressing her hand. "I have on boxers." He added, just in case she couldn't tell. With the sheets tangled between their legs, plus the comforter on top of them, he wasn't sure if she could tell what was what.
"Why?" Olivia asked, sounding calmer than she had minutes ago.
Elliot cleared his voice before he spoke.
"You mumbled something about being hot during the night and threw your shirt across the room,." Elliot explained.
Olivia began to turn her head to the side, intending to look for her discarded shirt, and it was then that she noticed that her hair was in a messy pony tail.
She took a deep breath and turned back towards Elliot, resuming her previous position of her forehead pressed into his back.
"I… I'd never take advantage of you while you were drunk." Elliot spoke again as he stopped the movement of his thumb and squeezed her hand with his. "You gotta know that, Liv… you got to." He whispered, desperate for her to speak again, to say anything that would indicate to the thoughts running through her mind.
Olivia didn't speak, but he did feel her lips plant a kiss on his skin.
He released a breath that he didn't know he'd been holding. She wasn't freaking out as badly as he'd anticipated, she hadn't had a panic attack, flashback, or gotten up and fled.
"I trusted you with my life for twelve years…" She whispered to him. "And I still do." Olivia confirmed for him, tightening her arms around his midsection.
Elliot relaxed more into his pillow and into her hold now that he knew she was consenting to her state of dress, how they were laying, and how she was touching him.
She'd thrown up a significant amount before going to bed, and true to moonshine's reputation, the full extent of her drunkenness, didn't hit until about twenty minutes after she'd quit drinking it.
Being the good man that he was, Elliot had held her hair for her as she threw up all the contents in her stomach and then dry heaved several times. Eventually, he'd put her hair up in a pony tail the best that he could and one he was sure she was done vomiting, he'd helped her to bed.
After putting up the moonshine and taking out the trash, he put in a new garbage bag and placed it beside her side of the bed, accompanying it with some blue Gatorade that he liked to keep in the fridge and some Advil on her night stand.
He'd become worried during the early hours of the morning when she'd removed her shirt and gone back to bed. In fact, he barely got any sleep because he was terrified she'd wake up panicking or having a flashback. Ever small sound he heard, his eyes popped open, wondering if it was her waking up.
"You okay?" Elliot asked gently, he'd started to rub the back of her hand with his fingers.
"I think I should be asking you that…" She replied lightly.
Olivia moved her hand out of his grip and snaked it up his chest, running her fingers through his chest hair.
A low hum came from his throat.
She wasn't a stupid woman. Olivia was practically naked, pressed up against his back with her nipples pushing into him. She knew he had to be turned on and there was no time like the present to conquer another obstacle.
Her fingers slowly trailed their way down his chest and stomach, stopping to play at the waste band of his boxers.
"Liv…" He growled.
She was feeling bold, there was no doubt about it.
"Hmm?" Olivia questioned lightly as her fingers drifted past the top of his boxers and over his clothed erection, pushing the covers back with her wrist in the process.
If he hadn't been hard when he'd woken up, he was now.
She'd felt him before, but this time was different. This time, she was behind him. He couldn't see her, couldn't analyze her facial expressions or try and assess what she was feeling or doing.
Olivia began to gently rub him through his boxers, but his hand quickly grasped her wrist, halting her hand's swift movements.
She had to stop herself from huffing. Olivia removed her hand from his grasp and used both hands to prop herself up on the mattress to lean over and make eye contact with him.
Elliot's eyes were clear and blue as he leaned his head back to meet her glance.
Olivia placed her left hand on his arm, briefly studying his tattoo of a crucified Jesus. She could probably lay in bed all day tracing it with her fingers and she'd be perfectly happy. She'd never been religious, but he was and his dedication to something so sacred to him was incredibly sexy.
"I'm okay." She said, tilting her head slightly to the right. "I'd like to do this if you'll let me?"
His eyes dipped to the tops of her breasts. She hadn't leaned up far enough to reveal her nipples, but a good bit of her chest was on display for him and for a moment, he couldn't tear his eyes away.
She swallowed and glanced down at her chest, before returning her stare to him.
"You're just staring at my breasts, right? Not my scars…" Olivia asked hesitantly.
He looked up at her, making eye contact. Elliot rubbed his lips together before he spoke.
"I was looking at both." He confessed.
Olivia nodded. She was glad he hadn't tried to tell her a lie to make her feel better about herself. She valued trust and honestly over nearly everything else.
"And what are you thinking?" She asked lightly, almost fearing the answer. Olivia was worried he'd bring up Lewis and it'd ruin their mood, but if that's what he wanted to do, then it was okay.
Their relationship was a slow process, both of them knew this. There'd be good days and bad days. Days where they'd expect to be intimate but wouldn't be able to and days where they'd think intimacy was out the window and it'd end up being game. This happened with all couples, not just with Olivia and Elliot.
"That I want to kiss every single scar on your chest… but I don't know if it'd hurt you or make you feel better." He whispered to her, looking sincere. Elliot shook his head lightly. "I don't want to hurt you, Olivia."
There was fear and worry etched into his face, as if he wasn't sure how she'd take his words.
She looked down and removed her hand from his harm briefly to tuck a loose strand behind her ear that had somehow escaped her pony tail.
"You hurt me the most when you left me." Olivia explained, looking back up at him. She gripped his arm and used her thumb to rub at the middle of his tattoo, right over Jesus' chest, while her right arm still propped him up. "As long as you never, ever do that again, I'll be okay."
"Never." Elliot replied in a strong voice. "I was fucked up in several ways, it all hit me before I knew it but I'll… never again will I leave you like that… I'll never leave you period. I promise." Elliot told her, slightly craning his neck to keep eye contact. He'd have rolled over on his back to focus on her better, but she was still using his body to shield some of her chest from his view and he didn't want to take that away from her.
Olivia's face changed into a stern look.
"Don't make promises you can't keep." She replied, and reached down, grabbing the sheet to pull over her chest, backing up so he could finally turn over and lay on his back.
Elliot shook his head.
"I'm not." He promised her.
Olivia had removed her hand from his arm in order to fetch the sheet and now she used it as a shield, holding it tightly to her chest, higher than she needed to.
She shook her head in denial and looked down.
"I'm sure you promised Kathy the same thing." She shot back. Olivia hadn't meant it as an insult. She was just making a point. She needed him to see where she stood and where she was coming from. It wasn't that she didn't trust him, as she said earlier, she trusted him with her life, but she also needed Elliot to see the situation from her point of view.
"I did." He confirmed. "And I haven't broken that promise… if something ever happens to her or one of the kids… I'd be there. If she needed help, if she became mentally unstable or something tragic happened, I'd still be there for her unless she doesn't need me." Elliot confessed with a shrug. "If her and this new guy works out, then she probably won't need me, but god forbid, if something happens and she does, I'll be there."
Olivia nodded silently in understanding.
"I'm sorry." He whispered.
"Don't do that." She said with a small smile. "You're a good man, don't apologize." Olivia loved how he would be there for his kids no matter what. He was the kind of father she'd always wanted. And even if she maybe wasn't supposed to, she loved the way he was with Kathy. They were civil, they took care of their children and put them first, while still being able to lean on one another when it was needed without any romantic feelings causing problems or getting in the way.
"And…" Olivia began. "His name is Ben. And you know good and well he's not new anymore."
Elliot rolled his eyes and shot her a smile back. He was both glad and relieved that the thickness and emotion of the conversation had passed.
He decided to put his knees down and stretch his legs out, wincing when one of them popped.
Olivia snorted, still clutching the sheet to her chest.
"Old man…" She commented with a smirk.
Elliot rolled his eyes at her.
"You're dating this old man."
Olivia nodded and continued to smile. He was her old man and she wouldn't have it any other way. Elliot was still a huge part in her recovery and she knew it'd probably remain that way for a very long time if not forever, even though she'd never liked to lean on anyone before. Now, she didn't have much of a choice. She'd been broken in the worst way possible, but she was slowly making a recovery.
She swallowed and took a small deep breath before situating herself on his lap, straddling him.
Olivia made sure to grab she sheet with her hands as she wrapped her arms around his neck, enclosing them both in the sheet and pushing her chest against his on purpose to make herself feel less exposed.
Her nipples were hard, there was no denying that.
Elliot gave her a small smile as he let his hands rest on her hips.
"Liv," He began. "I need to know what you remember from last night."
They'd done a lot of talking last night, well, she had anyways, and he needed to know what she remembered about it, if she remembered telling him some things that Lewis had done and if she remembered the 'I love you' that they'd both said.
She gazed around the room and bit her lip.
"I remember some things… bits and pieces." Olivia told him, looking at him in curiosity and slightly wondering if more might have happened than she remembered.
Elliot nodded.
"Care to tell me which bits and pieces?" He asked lightly.
Olivia's smile faded as she looked down. She felt his hands rub up and down her back in encouragement.
By now, her headache was miraculously gone but it was slowly starting to come back at the thought of last night's events.
"I told you some things that Lewis did to me." She whispered, looking back up at him.
For a moment, Elliot stared at her. He was trying to read her.
"Do you regret it?"
"No."
She answered just as quickly as he'd asked.
Elliot continued to study her face, trying to find any cracks in her mask but there were none.
"I'm glad you know that much… I have to admit it was easier to get it out while I was intoxicated… a lot easier…" She confessed. Even though she felt guilty about it, she was glad it happened. It'd been weighing on her mind ever since she'd gone to visit her mother's grave.
She'd gone back and forth in her head, plotting and planning the conversation but every time she thought about how she'd tell him those details, she felt like vomiting. Which was almost funny now because last night she did vomit, but for a different reason.
When Olivia had said she was happy she'd told him that much, Elliot's ears perked up. He realized there were probably many more horrors that his girlfriend had endured while in the captivity of that sick bastard.
"I don't want to discuss any of that now." She told him as she rubbed the back of his neck with her hands.
He gave her a small smile.
"Alight, we don't have to… I was just worried that… I didn't want you to regret anything you said." Elliot explained, looking at her intently, then glancing down at her breasts. "You're being… very open… this morning. I needed to make sure you weren't trying to make up for something or… you know."
She nodded.
"I can't tell you why I'm like this today." Olivia said, giving him a small shrug. "All I know is that I have a tiny hangover-"
"Curtesy of throwing up all my moonshine that you drank…" He interrupted her with a smile. The more you throw up, the smaller the hangover, otherwise you have a shit ton of alcohol marinating in your body all night.
She playfully rolled her eyes and rocked her hips slightly, causing Elliot to hiss as his face contorted momentarily.
"Easy, woman." He whispered.
"All I can tell you is that today is one of my good days… there are no feelings of depression, no mood swings, just…." Olivia took a deep breath and smiled. "Me in bed with my boyfriend."
Elliot gave her a big smile. One that reached his eyes and showed his teeth. Hearing her call him her boyfriend warmed his heart. He desperately prayed to God that one day he'd be able to hear her call him her fiancé and husband.
"You still need to take your meds though." He replied, still smiling.
She nodded.
"I know how anti-depressants work, El." And so did he.
Elliot nodded, and he was all the sudden a bit nervous. A half-naked Olivia Benson was sitting on his lap. He was fully hard by now and there was no hiding it. He knew she could feel him.
He swallowed hard and leaned up to kiss her. Olivia's lips were plump, and he was very happy that she'd made him help her to the bathroom to rinse her mouth with mouth wash before crashing. She'd claimed she could still taste and smell vomit and it was making her dry heave.
"What did you have in mind?" Elliot asked lightly, running his hands up her sides and grazing the sides of her breasts with his thumbs.
He'd learned already that she got frustrated if he asked too many times if she was okay with what he was doing. At first, he'd ask her every time they cuddled on the couch if it was okay how he laid or how he touched her.
Eventually, she told him to stop, that she wasn't a china doll that could be broken and if she didn't like what he did, she'd tell him.
Elliot had told her he understood but he also knew that for certain things, when they were starting to get more into intimacy, he'd ask if she was okay with certain things whether she liked it or not.
As he kept moving his thumbs, she shivered, causing him to stop immediately.
"No, it was good." She replied quickly as his hands fell from her sides.
Elliot gave her a small smile, acknowledging what she'd said but only placing his hands at her hips.
"I'm going to drop the sheet." She announced simply.
He nodded.
"If that's what you wanna do, go ahead." Elliot told her. "But," he began, "I will stare at your chest because I'm so fucking attracted to you and my mouth is going to water…"
She swallowed hard and stared at him, letting her eyes bore into his. She could almost see into his soul. Her expression was blank as she lifted her arms away from his neck, letting the sheet pool around their waists.
His eyes left her and went to her chest, now being able to see all the scars her chest had to offer, including the bite shaped marks close to her nipples. He'd already gotten use to the one bite mark on her shoulder that had been gradually fading but there were also some scars from bites on her stomach that were too close to her abdomen for his liking.
It made him sick and he had to shake the thoughts from his head before his mind began to wander into thought that consisted of wondering where else Lewis had had his mouth.
Elliot ran his hands up and down her sides again as he stared at her breasts, except this time, instead of his thumbs grazing the sides of her breasts, they reached for her nipples.
He looked up as his finger made contact, just in time to see her eyes close and her mouth open.
"Does this feel good?" He whispered.
"Yes…" She replied easily.
Then opened her eyes as her back arched and she pushed her chest towards his mouth.
"You said you wanted to do something earlier…" Olivia said.
It was her way of giving him permission to touch her scars and kiss them if that's really what he'd wanted to do. She wasn't sure if it'd be good or bad but she trusted him and she'd tell him to stop if it got to be too much.
"Yeah?" He asked in question. Elliot's eyes lit up like a kid in a candy store.
"Yeah." She confirmed, biting down on her bottom lip as she moved her hips forward slightly.
The green light was all he needed.
At first, Elliot didn't go for the scars. He went for her right nipple, careful to be gentle and use absolutely no teeth. It didn't take his detective skills to figure out that Lewis had done this to her, and probably bitten down extremely too hard. The bite scars beside the nipple told him as much.
He used his right hand to massage her other breast.
Elliot heard her suck in a breath.
This was the part that he hated. He couldn't tell if her sounds were in pleasure or pain. He wasn't sure if he should stop or keep going, but when he slowed down his movements, she seemed to understand his problem.
"It's good, El." Olivia told him in a breathy whisper. "It's really good."
Elliot relaxed more and continued his work on her chest.
When he finally did more onto the scars, he was delicate as hell and he'd planned to stay quiet as he serviced her, but they soon learned that wasn't possible for him. At least not in this moment.
He planted two kisses on the largest burn scar before tracing it with his tongue.
"You're so fucking beautiful, Liv…" He whispered before moving onto the next one. "You're… you're everything I've ever dreamed of…." Elliot said as he continued his journey around her chest, destined to kiss ever burn mark she had on and around her breasts. "These don't define you, babe…" He said. And when he finished, he couldn't help but begin to kiss them all over again. "You're the strongest woman I know." Elliot whispered.
He stopped when he heard a sniffle and realized she was crying.
For a brief moment, he was worried he'd triggered her or hurt her.
"Liv?" He questioned quickly, needed to assess the situation and the possible damage that he'd caused.
"I'm fine." She said, leaning back and grabbing the sheet to wipe her face off, but also inadvertently covering herself.
"Tell me what happened, where I went wrong…" He asked lightly, his face pleading, begging for her to talk with him and tell him what had just happened.
"No." Olivia said as she sniffed again. "You didn't do a damn thing wrong. You're fucking perfect." She said as she laughed though a fresh round of tears. "You really don't mind me looking like this or being like this do you?" She questioned, just like she had many times before. This would take some getting used to.
Elliot shook his head.
"You could be covered from head to toe in scars and I'd want you all the same." He promised.
She sniffed again and maneuvered herself off his lap, laying beside him.
"C'mere." Olivia gestured towards him, calling him over and lifting the sheet so he could be close with her. "C'mere." She said again as she guided his head to her breasts as she laid on her right side towards him. He used her chest as a pillow, making sure to lean down and kiss her skin every now and then.
Elliot seemed to understand her silent message. This was as much intimacy as she could stand right now. She didn't want to progress any further this morning and that was fine with him.
The amount of progress that she'd made thus far was exceptionally astonishing. He was beyond proud of her, of how brave she was being in her quest to conquer her inner and outer demons.
"You make me feel… pretty. And cared about." She confessed silently, breaking him out of his thought.
"Good." He replied. "That's one of my goals." He said as he snuggled deeper into the cleavage of her chest.
She cocked an eyebrow and looked down at him as she stroked his head.
"What are your other goals?" She asked.
He grinned, looking up at her now.
"I don't think you're quite ready to hear those yet, Sergeant…." He responded.
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