A/N: I'm sincerely sorry for the long hiatus. I want to thank you guys for still sticking around after all these months! My computer crashed and I haven't been able to get to one! Hopefully you guys enjoy! And as always, reviews are ALWAYS welcome! 3
Chapter 54: Daryl
The room hummed with quiet tension. Hannah busied herself making a bed of blankets and pillows on the floor by Merle. He watched her, sitting slumped against the wall. Any mood of celebration had been washed away. Daryl sighed, trying to ease the tension that had knotted in his stomach. It was anger, and sadness and worry. The world was colder than it had been before, even for the Dixon brothers and Daryl wondered why Merle couldn't see that just yet. He knew it was the cloud of drugs that blurred his brother's mind, but surely Merle had to know that it was suicide to keep doing this. He thanked whatever God was listening that Merle had overdosed here at least. God only knows what would have happened if it'd been out there. He shivered at the thought and felt around for a smoke.
"He'll be alright, Daryl." Hannah said quietly, breaking him from his thoughts. He gave her a half assed smile.
"Sure as hell don't feel like it." He replied glumly, shooting at a glance at his still sleeping brother. Hannah snuggled into their makeshift bed, her eyes heavy.
"We'll get through this, country boy. Same as we've been doing." She murmured, her eyes closing.
Daryl let her words sink in, wondering just how in the hell he had ended up with a girl like her. He put his head in his hands, drinking up the silence that had fallen over the place. Hannah's breathing evened out in a few minutes and he watched her chest rise and fall. He wondered if she was dreaming of Noah, or of the life the walkers had taken from her. It was only then that Daryl realized she had awakened something in him. Some desperate want to be a better man. Daryl Dixon, this far in his life, had not been so. He'd lied, cheated, stolen. He'd broken hearts he probably didn't even know about. But Hannah made him want to change. He wanted to be a better man, so one day, if this chaos ever settled down, he could give her the life she deserved. He owed her that much at least. Because before her, he had been pretty much dead already. He just hoped that one day, Merle could find the same thing. He knew Merle had given up on the aspect of a happy life long before Daryl had even been born. Their father had taken any hope of that from him, sucked it right from his soul. Deep down, Daryl knew the real Merle. The one that hid under his cold surface, behind his jagged words. Daryl had seen the very best of Merle. The brother that had saved him from the angry fists of his father, who had hid his love behind harsh insults and vulgar words. Merle was a good man, but a broken one. Daryl might have gotten the worst of their father's beatings, but it was Merle who had caught the worst of his words. Their pa had driven it into him that he was worthless, good for nothing. Merle had gone through life believing that he was nothing more than a waste of space, a good for nothing junkie that wouldn't amount to a pile of dog shit.
Hannah's sharp inhale made him jump, bringing him crashing back to reality. He sparked the unlit smoke that was still in his hand and exhaled, watching the smoke as it trailed away. The things that went through Hannah's head were still a mystery to him. One he was sure he would never find the answer to. She was always catching him off guard, keeping him on his toes with the next sentence she spoke. He needed to know what secrets she had trapped in her head, what demons she fought. It pulled at him, at his very soul. Curiosity got the better of him and he found himself rummaging quietly through her backpack, pulling out the tattered notebook she was always scribbling in. He paused, wondering if he even had the right to look through her most private of thoughts before telling himself that it was worth it. He knew she'd skin him alive if she ever found out. But that was a risk he was willing to take. He sat back against the wall, ashing his cigarette on the ground and flipped it open.
March 13
Everything I know is gone. Pops turned into one of thoseā¦things. Oh god. I never even saw it coming. In the blink of an eye they're all gone. Dead. I'm still crying, haven't stopped since I left Biloxi. I can't sleep, all I see is Noah's face, I hear him crying for me in the night. These things are everywhere. Lifeless, soulless godforsaken creatures. They took everything, everyone. Gone, in a puff of smoke. I don't know what I'm supposed to do from here, if I'm even supposed to do anything but wait for the end of it. Oh god, here comes some more.
Daryl stopped, trying to imagine the panic that had risen in her. He wondered if she had even stopped to think, to let the feelings really sink in. His heart ached as he kept reading.
March 17
4 days I've been running, more from Biloxi than anything else. I thought of killing myself yesterday. Of pulling the trigger and letting them devour me. I can't bring myself to eat, or sleep. I just keep driving, keep hoping that maybe this is just some dream, some terrible nightmare and maybe I'll wake up. But I don't. I've put 250 miles behind me. But it's still there, the screams and the smells of smoke, of people. I had to kill a child yesterday. Some girl who'd turned into one of thoseā¦zombies. She couldn't have been much older than Noah. 6 maybe? I don't know. I just keep driving, smoking, crying. I wish to God I could find a liquor store somewhere. Not like I'll get a DUI.
March 30
It's been over 2 weeks now. And the farther north I get, the worse it gets. I've come to find it's not the dead I really have to worry about. It's the living. I've almost been robbed, stabbed, raped. I shot a man in the chest yesterday. He asked if I wanted to rest, but I knew better. He tried to pull me out of the car so I shot him. What am I becoming? I KILLED A MAN. Not a monster, this man could have been a father before this. He could have been Pops, or Zack and I took his life. The nightmares are getting worse, more vivid. I've slept 2 hours in the last 3 days and it's starting to show. I keep hearing them, Noah, Zack, Pops. I keep hoping at least Coop made it. I'd like to think so at least. I can't be the only one of us to make it through this alive. But is being alive even worth it? What's going to happen next? I can't stop wondering if it isn't better to give up. To wait quietly for the end to come. It's inevitable, really.
Daryl skipped a few pages, his heart heavy with her panicked words. He wanted to shake her awake, to hold her tight and squeeze the pain from her memories. He flipped a few pages, finally finding the day when she'd found the camp. Found him.
April 15
The truck I stole from those crazy assholes finally ran outta fuel. I ditched it. I miss my Chevy something awful right now. Doesn't help I don't think my leg's gonna hold up much more. The last thing I need is for these things to catch the smell of blood. I'd be dead for sure. I saw smoke up on the hill last night. I know for sure these things don't make campfires. This might be the last time I write, shit, or be alive, but I've gotta make a try for it at least. Here's to hoping right?
April 17
Turns out it paid off after all. Found a camp of mostly nice people. It's a nice change from the ones I've been running into. Hell, there's even a few country folk. They look like they don't play well with others, but hell, it's the end of the world, who am I to judge? There's something about the younger brother though. Something calm. I don't know how else to put it. He' s a hard sonofabitch to read though, I'll tell you that much. He's hot then cold then hot again. Of course the one time I find a hot guy and he's still impossible to figure out. But he's different. I know this feeling. I had it with Travis once upon a time. Before the drugs. I keep thinking about all that. How much things really changed after we quit the dope. How distant he was, miserable. Half of me thinks he swerved into that tree on purpose. Speaking of miserable assholes, here comes the country boy's brother. This asshole.
Daryl stifled a smile as he finished his cigarette, putting it out in an empty bottle by Merle's couch. He looked at his brother, and let his eyes drift to Hannah as the weariness overcame him. He cautiously put her journal back, his mind now reeling with more questions than answers again. Hannah an addict? He couldn't imagine that. But he had a feeling he had only just scratched the surface with her.
