Disclaimer: This is actually from someone on YouTube, and it's by Craig Groshek. It's called "Man-Eater."

CANNIBAL

Zeus had done pretty well for himself. He married a woman named Demeter, and with her, he'd raised three wonderful daughters. Persephone was the oldest, Artemis was the second oldest, and Aphrodite was the youngest. The family owned a large farm, and no one had as many animals—horses, sheep, and chickens—as they did.

Each day, they watched over their chickens and cows, and they seemed to be reproducing faster than they could get rid of them. Zeus began to worry, because he couldn't watch all of them the way he wanted to. In fact, he was so stressed about this that he said, "I wish I could eat them up. Then I can make out with Demeter. Life would be sweet again."

But that summer, Apollo sent a terrible plague to the mortal world. Since they were gods, they weren't affected by it. But since the animals were mortal, they were, of course, affected by it. Many animals died within a few days, decreasing the population of the farm. Zeus breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank you, Apollo! Now I can live in happiness!"

As the weeks went on, more of his animals died. Zeus was scared; he didn't have room in the farm to bury all of the animals. From then on, all he did was sleep all day, watching the seasons change.

One night, Demeter came up to him. "Zeus?" she said. "There's something I've got to tell you."

"What?" he snapped. "Are the kids dead, too?"

"No!" Demeter roared. "I just wanted to let you know you're going to be a father again!"

Since Demeter was pregnant again with their fourth child, Zeus was so happy that he got out of bed and worked in the fields. Everything seemed perfect, until a few weeks later.

Zeus began noticing some strange things Demeter was doing. Yeah, she had morning sickness and all that, but that wasn't the weird part. She kept eating. Zeus was used to this, seeing his wife pregnant three times already. But it was overkill this time. She couldn't seem to stop! Every day, she ate through tons of meat. And each night, she drank all their milk. She left nothing for the other family members. What was even more strange was that she didn't gain weight.

"Jeez, lady," said Zeus angrily, walking into the kitchen. "Stop eating! You'll starve us all!"

"Like, I'm sorry," Demeter snarled at him. "But it's the baby's fault! He hurts me when I'm not eating. I've got to keep doing it, or I'll die!"

"Bull crap!" yelled Zeus. "You're being a selfish woman! I KNEW I should've married Hera, even though she's annoying as hell!" Zeus stomped off.

As time went on, so did the plague, and the animals were reproducing. Zeus wasn't worried, because Demeter was eating all the animals. Zeus watched in horror as she murdered and made meals out of them to calm her appetite.

Just as it seemed she might die, she had the baby boy. Afterwards, she regained her strength. The baby was very hungry when it was born, but Zeus didn't care. The plague had ended, and food was there whenever they needed it.

They named the baby Dionysus.

When Dionysus was old enough to take in solid foods, he demanded for a cow a day. The rest of the family was shocked. When he was old enough to walk, he ate two large sheep for breakfast and lunch, and washed them down with a horse for dinner.

Zeus and Demeter were horrified, but they didn't have to do any other work besides cooking.

"Life is awesome," said Zeus. "I can just give the kid all the animals."

"But we need the food, too," Persephone said.

"Right, honey."

Dionysus grew into a healthy animal-eating, meat-loving boy. But there were times when he was defensive about his food, and often bit Demeter as she served him something.

Zeus and Demeter found themselves cooking all day and night for Dionysus, and they couldn't get anything else done.

One morning, after breakfast, Zeus had an idea. "Demeter," he said excitedly, "why bother cooking the meat? He eats so quickly, you think he'll notice it raw?"

"Probably not," said Demeter. "I'm so sick of feeding him, Zeus. Take him to the fields and see what he does."

"Dionysus!" called Zeus around lunchtime. "Come with me, son! We're going on a magical adventure!"

"Where?" Dionysus growled.

"We're going out to the fields."

Zeus took Dionysus to the fields and let him run free. Dionysus immediately found a cow and wrestled it to the ground. Then he bit open his throat. Blood came out, but Dionysus ate the cow…alive.

This went on for quite some time. Zeus would take Dionysus on his "magical adventure," and Dionysus would wrestle as many animals to the ground as was humanly possible. This really worried Zeus, but he knew that if he stopped Dionysus, then the farm would be over-populated by animals. So this went on for months.

After a while, Zeus didn't even bother staying with Dionysus. He'd just leave him out in the fields all day long. When he returned at night, Dionysus seemed to look more like an animal every time he saw him. He also noticed that Dionysus wasn't just eating the meat, but the bones, too. It was impossible for Zeus to count how many he'd eaten on any given day. And Dionysus kept growing.

When winter came, the animals stopped reproducing, but Dionysus continued to eat them. He was so huge that he couldn't live in the house anymore, so Zeus and Demeter placed him in an empty barn.

"Demeter," said Zeus one night, "I thought Dionysus was a blessing. I guess he's not, though!"

"I know," Demeter agreed sadly. "He's eaten all of our food for the winter, so we have to borrow some of Apollo's stupid cattle."

"What're we going to do when all of our food is gone?" Zeus asked.

To Zeus' surprise, it didn't take long to find out what would happen.

A week later, there were no more animals left. Dionysus had eaten them, and their bones, too. The entire family was starving, so they all went to the barn where Dionysus was sleeping.

"Wake up, you fat slob!" cried Zeus, kicking his son. "You've eaten up all our food! There's nothing left for us to eat!"

Dionysus was now the size of a moose. He woke up. "Father…" he breathed, "I am very hungry. Go and get me a chicken!"

"No! Never! You ate them!" Zeus howled, kicking his son again.

"Sisters, get me a sheep! I'm STARVING!"

"No way!" Aphrodite squealed. "You've eaten them!"

Dionysus stood up. "I'm soooo hungry! What can I eat?"

"Nothing," Demeter replied. "Go away and find other animals to eat."

Dionysus walked out of the barn and disappeared down the road.

Within the next week, Apollo came by to talk to Zeus.

"Zeus," he said, obviously frustrated, "someone's been taking my cattle, and my girlfriend."

Zeus knew it was Dionysus, but didn't want to tell Apollo. "Maybe, Apollo, maybe your girlfriend's in the garden, and maybe your cows just ran off."

"Hmm," said Apollo. "Maybe…I'll go have a look. I'll let you know if I find something."

But Apollo, who was usually pretty good about returning stuff, didn't return for many hours. Zeus sent Persephone off to look for him. By nightfall, Persephone hadn't returned. So Zeus sent Artemis to find them, and then he sent Aphrodite off. By dinnertime, no one had returned.

"I'm looking for them," Demeter announced.

"No!"

"Zeus, I need my girls home. I want them safe."

Demeter went off as well, and left him home by himself. For the next day, no one had returned yet. Zeus was worried, but exhausted. At that time, he drifted off to sleep.

During the night, a noise awakened him. He reached for his pistol on the nightstand. There was someone near his bed. He couldn't see it, but he could smell its horrid breath. The thing leaned in and said, "I'm so hungry. What can I eat?"

"Nothing. Go away," Zeus replied.

"Liar!" Dionysus hissed after some time. "WHAT IS THERE TO EAT?!" he roared.

Zeus didn't say anything, because he could feel Dionysus' teeth against his throat.

"Father," Dionysus said as he licked his lips, "you smell…good…"