Thank you for reading and reviewing! I am constantly humbled by you all!
lilce1992 – Feel bad for Tom? Really? That's interesting, I tend to think he's getting what he deserves. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
Your Relentless Lover – Ah sorry, sadly the weekend could not continue…the trial must go on! The trial will be wrapping up soon, actually the whole fic will be wrapping up soon. Thanks!
ConnieLaxer12 – Mr. Brooks is a complex man, cold and calculating but he did the right thing. Lol love your review, thanks for making me laugh! Thanks heaps!
mutt009 – lol I'll take it under advisement my friend. Thanks!
WillowOn3 – Thanks! I wanted Spencer to start to get some fight back and Mr. Brooks…well he is a complex character!
Born2Try – Thanks so much!
uluvme – Oh I am jealous of that delivery boy too! Everyone vs. Buttface huh? Seems like. Dude, yep Mr. Brooks smiled at Spencer, thus proving he isn't a totally douche!
imaferrari – Yeah I love Julian too, I like writing him and Spencer's interactions. The weekend of lovin was very good for Spencer…I think we could all use an Ashley lol
hphglover – Ah no…I don't want you to have an aneurysm!
You know the drill, SoN is not mine
Fear Itself
Chapter Fifty-Two – Mending Bridges
Spencer's POV
As soon as the Judge had left the room and Tom was hand cuffed and led out of the court by the guards I leaned over and kissed Ashley gently on the cheek, causing her to blush and smile bashfully over at me.
I felt a warm hand on my shoulder and turned to see my Kate sitting with Kyla and Aiden. She sent me a warm smile, before sending one Ashley's way too. "How you doing today Blondie?" Kate asked softly. She was the only person on the entire planet who I would allow to call me Blondie. From anyone else that nickname made me flash back to Carmen using it to mock me, from Kate it reminded me of a time when I was innocent and the world wasn't so complicated.
I flashed her a small smile and replied, "I'm ok, feeling a bit more positive than I was last week. It's still pretty hard though."
Kate smiled sympathetically and nodded, "I don't doubt that Blondie, just know that I'm here if you need anything, that goes for both of you," Kate smiled over at Ashley who beamed gratefully back at her.
It was nice that they could get along. I know Ashley had her insecurities and jealousy when it came to Kate and I get why, she was my first love after all, but Kate is just a friend now. I consider her a close friend and I am just so happy that she and Ash can get along without there being any awkwardness or weirdness.
We all chatted for a little longer, just meaningless small talk that helped kept my mind mostly off the remaining leg of the trial that we still had to get through. I so just wanted it all to be over so I could get on with my life.
I had dreams of being able to live my life and not have it revolve around this trial and Tom Brooks. I wanted to throw myself into my music and my relationship. I wanted to travel and see the world. I wanted to spend time with my nephew and reconnect with all the friends I pushed away after Carmen.
I lost so many people after the rape. I pulled away from everyone, shut myself off from the world. So many people had tried initially to keep the friendships going, but stop trying after a while. I don't blame them really, but now I know that once this is all over I want to start rebuilding those bridges.
In short I wanted to get my life back, a life that would be fuller and richer than it ever had been because I was blessed to have Ashley and my band.
Soon it was time for the trial to begin again. Everyone retook their seats on the hard wooden benches and Tom was brought back in, I resolutely avoided his glare and focused on the door the judge would be appearing through.
Soon the bailiff called for everyone to stand. We rose to our feet respectfully as Judge Kramer came back in, adjusting her glasses while she took her seat. Once we got the ok we all sat down, with me now snuggled in my rightful place under Ashley's arm again. I just felt so safe in her arms, so very safe.
Felicity rose to her feet and faced the court room with a solemn expression on her face as she said clearly, "The prosecution calls Mrs. Paula Carlin to the stand."
I closed my eyes and bit my lip, slumping against Ashley limply. This testimony was going to be difficult to hear, no doubt about it. I knew what my mother had done, I knew her involvement in all of this, but listening to it was going to be painful.
I turned my head and let my eyes follow my mother's movement towards the witness stand. She looked nervous, she was wringing her hands anxiously in front of her and flicking her eyes around the room.
As Paula took her seat and was sworn in her eyes caught mine. I bit my lip and stared right back at her, feeling immense sadness at the expression on her face. She looked so lost and broken, like the weight of it all was practically crushing her. The once intimidating, strong women just looked beaten.
I looked up at the woman who was once my best friend, protector and biggest supporter and felt intense sadness that we had lost that. She had done a lot wrong, that much is true, but for better or worse she was still my mother.
I sent her a tiny smile, which she nervously returned, as Felicity stepped forward to begin her questions. "Mrs. Carlin you are Spencer's mother correct?"
"Yes I am," Paula said in a shaky voice.
Felicity smiled kindly in an effort to calm the clearly nervous woman and continued, "Ok and you were instrumental in your daughter beginning a relationship with Tom Brooks?"
"Yes I uh was. I pushed Spencer until she really had no choice but to give in to what I wanted. She was always a very agreeable child and had always done what I told her to do…that is until she announced to the entire family one night at dinner that she was…well…gay," My mother whispered the last word, almost as if she was scared to say it too loudly. Maybe in her mind it was more real when said out loud.
"I will admit that I handled her announcement very badly. I called her disgusting and slapped her across the face." The court room gasped at that and many turned to flash me looks of sympathy as Paula continued, "I then kicked her out of the house and she went to live with her older brother. At the time I thought I was saving her, I thought if I showed her some tough love she would come back to a decent, normal way of life, but I was wrong. I let my narrow minded religious beliefs cloud my judgement and ended up hurting my baby girl in the process. Spencer will probably never forgive me for what I have done to her, but I know I will never forgive myself," Paula paused as tears began to fall in torrents down her face.
I felt tears start to fall from my own eyes. I had spent so long being angry at my mother, but now seeing her breaking down up on the stand I kind of just saw her as a woman who's entire belief system had been challenged. I mean she had spent her entire life believing in what the bible and the church was saying, believing what my grandparents told her and what her friends said.
She was told from an early age that homosexuality was a sin punishable by eternal damnation so finding out her daughter was gay would have been one hell of a shock. I am in no way excusing her behaviour, the way she has treated me is disgusting and totally unacceptable...but she is still my mother and I love her.
Paula Carlin is a product of the world she grew up in.
Paula wiped her eyes and cleared her throat before continuing, "I just couldn't find a way to accept her lifestyle when everything I had ever been taught was telling me it was wrong. Then Spencer turned up on my door step more upset then I had ever seen her. She was also bruised and beaten. I pulled her into my arms and brought her inside. She was so distraught. Finally she told me what had happened, that Carmen Mendez had raped her." Paula paused, her body literally trembling with emotion as she relived that day. I guess I never really thought about how hard it would have been for her to have heard what had happened to me.
I can't even begin to imagine how awful it would have been to open the front door to find your daughter broken both physically and emotionally. It must have been heart breaking.
Paula took a deep breath before continuing again, "I felt so angry and so horrified that this had happened to my daughter. It was like living one of my worst nightmares. I wouldn't wish that experience on my worst enemy. Opening that door to find my little girl broken and violated was heart breaking," Paula paused and took a deep shuddering breath.
"I got it into my head that had Spencer been straight then this would not have happened to her. I felt that if only she had listened to me when I told her that being gay was wrong then this attack would not have ever happened. I convinced Spencer that I would have what happened to her covered up and make sure no one ever knew. I convinced her to keep it from her father and brothers and without meaning to made her deeply ashamed of what happened to a point where she pulled away from pretty much everyone and became a shell of the woman she used to be. Once the rape was under wraps using my contacts and Carmen was in jail I met Tom. I knew his father, Bill, through a mutual friend, but I only met Tom when he represented a friend of mine in her divorce. I decided that Spencer needed to date a man, go back to a proper way of life."
Felicity looked like she was biting her tongue to keep from saying something in response to what my mother had just said. I had an inkling that Felicity may have been part of the sisterhood and was not taking my mother's homophobic attitude well at all. She forced a little smile and said, "Thank you Mrs. Carlin, now could you please tell the court about your daughter's relationship with Tom Brooks?"
"Well I convinced myself that they were happy, that they were this picture perfect couple...they weren't. Had I been thinking about anyone besides myself and my issues I would have seen that Spencer was miserable and that Tom was controlling, manipulative and possessive. Every time I saw them together there was a tension and wariness between them that I just ignored. Tom used to often come running to me whenever he and Spencer had a fight and then I would come down hard on her, remind her of what Carmen did to her and used it as a means to make my daughter behave the way I wanted her to. I was such a fool and I should never be forgiven for what I have done to Spencer," my mother said softly as fresh tears pooled in her eyes.
I stifled a choked sob and leaned heavily into Ashley. She held me to her and stroked her fingers through my long blonde hair soothingly. I felt my Dad give my hand a gentle squeeze and squeezed back, hearing my mother's testimony must not be easy for him either. I knew that he felt responsible that a lot of what happened to me because he did not stop it. I wish I had gone to my Dad instead of my mother after what Carmen did to me...but then again maybe everything happened as it was meant to so that it led me to Ashley. I don't know.
All I really know is that this was not easy for any of us.
"Mrs. Carlin, after you found out the video of Spencer being raped by Carmen Mendez had been released on to the internet you went to see Tom Brooks, why was that?" Felicity asked, her voice remaining neutral despite the tightening of her hands into fists.
"Well I received a phone call from an old friend at the police station to inform me that the video had been stolen from the police evidence archives and I had already heard that Tom and Spencer had broken up so I put two and two together. I knew Tom knew more about Spencer's past than I had told him, he was always so curious about what had happened and I only told him the bare minimum details, which apparently just fed his curiosity. He liked to be in control and to know everything that was going on so he could manipulate any given situation to suit himself so it wasn't a stretch to assume that he released the video onto the internet in an effort to both manipulate my daughter and gain revenge for her breaking up with him," Paula said, ending it with a sad sigh. She ran her hand through her blonde hair, so like mine, and bit her lip.
Paula looked over at me before she continued, "I went to Tom's that morning because I knew in my heart he had released that video and I wanted to confront him about it. I know I have done a lot to hurt my daughter, but I love her and I couldn't abide him hurting her like that, not to mention the fact that I had worked so hard to make sure that event in Spencer's life stayed hidden. I did not want it getting out, I did not want people to know what had happened to Spencer. I really just wanted to protect her."
I let out a deep shuddering breath and held my mother's gaze. I actually believed that, I believed that she had really just wanted to protect me. She went about it in the worst way but ultimately I knew she just wanted what she thought was best for me. Ashley dropped a tender kiss to my temple and tightened her hold on me. I relaxed into her embrace and breathed in her familiar scent as her hands moved soothingly over me.
Felicity nodded stiffly and asked, "Did Tom tell you he had released the video?"
Paula shifted her gaze from mine to glance over at Tom who was sneering at her hatefully. She fixed him with an icy glare that would frighten a heavy weight boxer and said in a clear, strong voice, "Yes he did. Tom bragged to me about it."
Pretty much every jury member glared angrily over at Tom upon hearing that. I mean it was a disgusting thing to do. To not only release a video of someone being raped but to then gloat about it? His smug arrogance was really not doing him any favours. I felt a little smile of what could maybe be triumph flash through my tears.
I blinked back more tears and relaxed a little more into Ashley's arms. Felicity stepped back a little so she was facing the jury as well as Paula and said softly, "Thank you Mrs. Carlin, I have no further questions."
Judge Kramer glanced over the tops of her glasses at the public defender and said, "Your witness Mr. Farmer."
The defence lawyer barely looked up from his messy notes as he muttered, "I have no questions at this time your honour."
Tom glared over at his attorney and began whispering angrily, I assume he had some questions he wanted my mother asked.
Judge Kramer nodded and turned to my mother, "Mrs. Carlin you may step down."
Paula got shakily to her feet and stumbled back to her seat, our eyes caught for a brief moment as she passed me and I sent her a look of thanks. Taking the stand would not have been easy for her. I knew that all too well after my time up there.
It wasn't long before the judge called a halt to the proceedings for the day. It had been a long, draining and exhausting day and I was glad it was over.
I held Ashley's hand in mine as we walked out of the court room on tired, stiff legs. I felt like I needed to sleep for a week…which may have also had something to do with the weekend of hot, unbridled sex with my rocker girlfriend. I know, I have a tough life!
As we stepped out of the room I looked over and saw my mother leaning against the far wall watching me sadly. I turned to Ashley, who looked at me with a look of pure understanding and said softly, "Go talk to her, I'll be with everyone in the café down the street that serves those muffins you like so much. Just come and find us when you're done and call me if you need to."
I smiled gently at her and leaned in to press a loving kiss to her lips, whispering, "Thank you."
I stepped out of her arms and across the foyer towards my mother, this was going to be one hell of an interesting conversation.
I stopped a few feet away from Paula and looked up into her sad blue eyes. I bit my lip and took a step closer, taking a deep breath before asking softly, "Um I was wondering if you had some time to talk?"
Paula swallowed audibly and nodded quickly as she said, "Of course, yes I do."
I smiled thinly and shuffled my feet a little as I said, "Well there is a little diner down the street, maybe we could go and grab a coffee while we talk?"
Paula flashed me a warm smile and nodded again, "Sure Spencer that would be great."
I smiled shyly and led the way out of the court house. Paula kept step with me as we wandered down the street into this cute little diner I had been to once or twice. We slid into a booth near the window and stared awkwardly around the room, neither of us really knowing where to begin.
We were, blissfully, interrupted from our awkward silence by the arrival of a waitress looking to take our drink order. We both ordered coffee and sat in even more awkward silence until our coffees were placed in front of us.
I bit my lip and stared down into the depths of my coffee cup, aimlessly stirring the liquid to give my hands something to do. I heard Paula clear her throat and looked up to find her blue-grey eyes looking sadly across the table at me.
I flashed her a brief smile and said in a choked voice, "So um, thank you for uh taking the stand today. I know it wasn't easy and I appreciate you doing it."
"Of course, I just wanted to help Spencer," Paula let out a deep, sad sigh and wrung her hands nervously in front of her as she whispered so softly I could hardly hear it, "I have made so many mistake, so many mistakes. I let you down. I wasn't there for you when you needed me to be. I failed as your mother and I know I can never make that go away."
I bit down on my lip and blinked back tears, hearing her talk like that just brought it all back…not that it ever really went away. She had let me down so badly time and time again.
Paula reached out as if to grab my hand and retracted her fingers as I tensed up. I smiled apologetically and shuffled nervously in my seat. Paula nodded, understanding on her face, as she said softly, "I have done so much soul searching since that day you confronted me and your Dad asked me to leave. I still regularly have counselling with my priest. He has offered me so much guidance and helped me to see the error of my ways."
I shook my head and sighed tiredly, "I'm glad for that, glad you have him to talk to. I just wish that you had been able to see 'the error of your ways' without having to have a priest point it out to you. I wish you had loved me enough that hurting me the way you did wasn't even an option."
"Spencer...I...I uh I'm sorry. I just had a lifetime of beliefs and religious teachings to move past. I have spent my entire life being told that homosexuality is a sin, my family and everything I have ever believed in taught me that being gay is wrong and will earn you a one way ticket to hell. I know how cruel the world can be to people who are gay, I didn't want that for you and I didn't know how to stop you going down a path I had always been told was wrong," Paula said as tears shone in her eyes.
I sighed again, I had a feeling I was going to be doing a lot of sighing during this conversation, "I get that, I do. God I struggled so much with the feelings I was having because of all the religious things I have been hearing since I was a child. You have told me all my life that being gay was wrong. I hid my feelings for so long Mom, so damn long, because I was scared of how you would react. I never worried about Dad or Clay and Glen, I knew they would love me regardless…but you, I was so scared to lose you. I know me being gay was and is a struggle for you, but I just can't help but think that a parent's job is to love their child no matter what and you failed at that."
Paula nodded as the tears broke free from her eyes and spilled down her cheeks. I picked up my coffee mug and took a deep drink as I tried to hold in my own tears.
Paula took a deep, shuddering breath, "I know Spence, I know. I just wanted you to have the best life possible."
"Well shouldn't I get to decide what that will mean for me. Mom I didn't ask to be gay," I whispered sadly.
Paula let out a deep sigh, "I know that now…its just back then I couldn't see past how people would see you living a life like that…I couldn't get past how I saw people who made that choice. It was a life I could not see myself being a part of."
I nodded slowly and murmured, "And now?"
"Now, I can't bare the thought of losing you from my life. I lost my family with my intolerance, I've lost the chance to be a grandmother to Jamie, a mother to you, Clay and Glen and a wife to your Dad. I may never get my family back…I probably don't deserve to, but I will spend the rest of my life trying to make this right," Paula said with feeling.
I closed my eyes and felt a single tear slid down my cheek in a hot trail. I bit my trembling lower lip and forced my eyes open to meet hers. She reached out and took my hand in hers…and I let her. I let out a shaky breath as I murmured, "We have a lot to work through, but I am willing to try."
I clung to my mother's hand in a grip that must have hurt as I gazed into her familiar blue-grey eyes. She smiled tearfully at me, happy tears making their way down her cheeks. "Thank you Spencer."
I nodded and blinked back tears as I struggled to find any more words to say.
My mother squeezed my hand gently and said softly, "Are you happy? I mean other than all this stuff with Tom and me, are you happy Spencer?"
I answered immediately, "Yes."
"Ashley makes you happy?" Paula asked with a small smile.
"Yes she does," I smiled tenderly as I thought of my girl, "She is the single best thing to ever happen to me. I love her Mom." I smiled gently at her as she beamed at me calling her Mom.
"Then you're lucky Spence, hold onto her and the happiness you've found. How can love be wrong when it makes you smile like that?" My mother said as more tears fell from her eyes.
I couldn't tell if they were happy or sad tears. I swallowed around the lump in my throat and choked out, "I wish you had realised that earlier Mom."
"I know…" she began, only to be cut off.
"I never asked for this you know, no one would chose this life. Why would anyone choose to be in a minority group that is hated by parts of society just because of who they love? No one would choose that. I didn't ask to be gay, but I won't apologise for the fact that I am. I am gay Mom and proud of it. I am in love with a beautiful, amazing woman who makes me feel more love in one glance than I ever had. She loves me more in a single minute than anyone else could in an entire life time," I said with feeling, a smile breaking out on my face as my thoughts were filled with Ashley.
"I understand, I wish I had understood it sooner. I had a lot to learn Spencer, a lot of teachings to undo as well. I would like to meet Ashley, if and when you're ready for that to happen of course. I'd like to meet the woman who makes you so happy," Paula said with a gentle, sincere smile.
I couldn't believe the woman sitting across from me was the same woman who had called me disgusting and slapped me when I came out to her. The woman sitting there was the mother I used to know, the woman who had been my best friend and tower of support. I had missed her.
"You really want to meet her?" I asked softly, needing her to say it again.
My mother gave my hand a squeeze and nodded with a sincere smile, "Yes I would. She is a big part of your life and I want to know her…not to mention the fact I am a big fan of hers."
I raised my eyebrow and smiled in disbelief, "What?"
My mom smirked and nodded, "Well there is this band that has been getting a lot of attention of late, Fear Itself…maybe you've heard of them? Their first single, Breakeven, is one of the most amazing songs I have ever heard. It is beautiful and so heartfelt that it brings tears to my eyes. I went out and bought the single Spence, it is incredible. I especially loved that song, Come Down To Me, that is on the Breakeven single. I read in a magazine that Ashley wrote that about you…if she loves you that much then I'd love to meet her."
"Seriously? You aren't just saying this? I mean you're really serious about this aren't you?" I asked, a smile just waiting to break out on my face.
My Mom slipped out of her chair across from me and moved to kneel down beside me as she held my hand in hers. She smiled tearfully up at me and said with so much sincerity I had no choice but to believe her, "I have never been more serious in my life. I mean it Spencer, I want to meet Ashley and I want to be a part of both your lives if you'll let me."
I stared at her for a moment and then launched myself out of my seat and into her waiting arms. Mom stood up slowly, still holding me to her and cradled me to her lovingly. I cried openly against her shoulder as she rocked me and whispered over and over how much she loved me and how sorry she was.
I don't know how long we stood like that, with my mother holding me in a way she hadn't in a very long time. I had missed this. The other patrons of the diner sent us odd looks, probably assuming someone had died or something based on all the tears I was shedding.
Finally I pulled back and flashed a watery smile up at my mother. She grinned her own watery smile down at me and tucked some lose strands of blonde behind my ear before using her thumbs to wipe away my tears. I took her hand and choked out, "Come and meet Ash now."
Paula's eye brows shot up and she looked at me excitedly, "Really? Now? You sure?"
I nodded, "Yeah I am, no time like the present." I smiled and gave her hand a squeeze.
My Mom nodded, "Ok, yeah let's do it."
I dropped some money onto the diner table, ignoring my mother telling me she would pay, and dragged her to the door. Once we were outside I spun around and fixed my eyes on hers, "Just a warning Dad, Glen, Clay, Chelsea and a few others are with Ashley right now."
I saw my mother take a deep breath and nod, "Ok, lead the way."
I smiled reassuringly at her and started leading her by the hand to the café where the others were waiting for me. This was probably going to be interesting to say the least.
