Chapter 55

"Why so long, Michaela?" Josef closed the large door behind him, removing his spectacles and slipping them into the top pocket of his jacket.

"It's not up to me… I… This… isn't real… is it?" Michaela looked back hesitantly towards the corridor she'd spent the last few weeks traveling, having finally arrived outside the dark wooden door, her father blocking her path.

"That depends on you… do you still want my help?" Josef reached a hand to her upper arm, Michaela suddenly feeling extremely confused, reality and dream fighting against each other.

"But you… you can't help me… you're… dead, Father…" She felt his hand squeeze her arm soothingly; his touch was real.

"That is true… but I can still offer you guidance… Michaela… why did you wish to become a doctor?" His words were deliberately paced, his hand still brushing against her arm.

"You… know why… to relieve pain… to save lives… to…" Michaela stopped, silenced by the hypocrisy of her response.

"Come…" Josef turned back towards the door, having decided it was time for Michaela to enter the room she'd previously been unable to.

"I…" Michaela hesitated, irrational nervousness taking over, not sure if she was truly ready for what lay beyond that door.

"Michaela… you wanted my help… this is the only way I know how," Josef reached his left hand towards the doorknob, turning it slightly and opening the door just a crack.

Michaela swallowed, about to take a step towards him, when she heard the piercing cries; a baby's cries. Her mouth clenched closed, eyes widening in fear, Michaela turned back towards the long, dark corridor, her father gripping her right arm more strongly.

"You're stronger than that, Michaela…" Josef let the door swing open completely, the infant's cries intensifying. Michaela glanced back over her right shoulder, squinting to see into the darkened room.

"I don't understand…" Michaela drew her hands instantly to her stomach, fingers padding desperately against her flesh; she no longer was pregnant. Looking up in mortification, she met her father's eyes; that, was her baby.

"I know what you are planning, Michaela. I know my approval was important to you… But it does not have to be that way," Josef gestured into the seemingly empty room with his left hand, Michaela's shoulders rising and falling with her heavy breathing as she reluctantly followed him.

Once again feeling her footsteps slow and heavy, Michaela entered the room, her eyes gradually adjusting to the darkness, seeing a wrought iron bed in the far corner. It was then she noticed the small bundle of white blankets in the center of the bed.

"I can't," she whispered, and turned to her father. His hands were clutched tightly to the lapels of his jacket.

"Will it not help you to decide?" Josef lowered his gaze, Michaela's jaw dropping as he unemotionally nodded for her to approach the distressed infant.

"Father, I…" Michaela blinked uncomfortably, knowing his presence was not helping matters.

"If you want me to go… I'll go…" The familiar words echoed traumatically through her mind as she saw him turn and leave the room.

All she could hear by that point was the crying. It was a desperate and rich wailing. She knew she had to see. Hearing the door close across the room, Michaela knew what she was afraid of. She'd known from the moment she'd discovered she was pregnant. Being reminded more graphically only the previous evening, when Hank had managed to unknowingly voice her preoccupations.

She was terrified of what her child would look like.

The floorboards creaked under her feet as she crossed the room. Michaela felt a choked gasp pass her lips. Her eyes locked first on the child's impossibly dark hair, visible over the edge of the white woolen blanket. Moving closer still, Michaela clasped her hand over her mouth, her chest tightening.

"…that baby's gonna come out lookin' like its bastard of a father…" Hank's voice was chilling. Michaela looked around, almost expecting to find him in the room.

"No…" She arrived by the side of the bed, tilting her head downwards, so as to be able to see the child completely; her blood ran cold.

In a single flash of time, Michaela's most haunting, impossible fears were confirmed. This child bore no resemblance to her whatsoever. In that moment of unmitigated terror, Michaela had no ability to dispute the irrationality of what lay before her;

"…that baby's gonna come out lookin' like its bastard of a father…"

It was then that she noticed the unmistakable scrap of material covering the baby's left eye. Her shoulders drawing immediately upwards, Michaela let out a shrill screech, the sound of her own voice echoing around her for several moments, when she realized the torture her mind had chosen to inflict upon her.

The child continued screaming, arms flailing either side of its tiny body, tears staining its small, brown cheeks. Her hands gripped firmly in front of her, Michaela took another strangled mouthful of air, her imagination creating an impossibly abstract creature; the infant's long black hair hung around its neck; pale brown animal skins, swaddled around its small form.

Without being aware of her movements, Michaela had backed away from the bed, terrified squeals continuing as she looked around desperately for the wooden door leading back out to the corridor. In the surrealism of the nightmare, the room had altered, and the door vanished completely. She was trapped, hearing nothing other than her child's cries blending with her own petrified screams.

"Ma! Ma… wake up… Ma!" Colleen had been ripped from her sleep several moments ago by the sound of Michaela's blood-curdling screams. Crossing the homestead, Colleen had arrived by her bedside, Michaela struggling desperately against the quilt she'd become entangled in.

Frowning worriedly, the young girl managed to catch Michaela's right arm, stopping it from colliding against the wooden head of the bed, kneeling on the edge of the mattress as Michaela emerged from unconsciousness with a disorientated startle.

"Ma… only a dream… Ma… it's all right…" Colleen cringed in dismay, seeing the raw panic behind her mother's eyelids. Michaela sat up and looked around the darkened homestead.

"Where…? I…" Michaela concentrated all her efforts on regulating her breathing, both looking across as Brian pushed his way through the white curtain.

"Who's makin' all the noise," He wiped his eyes groggily, having noticed that Colleen was no longer in her bed.

"It's all right Brian… go back to bed…" Colleen comforted, rubbing her right hand along Michaela's arm, looking between her mother and younger brother.

"Ma all right?" He stepped across the room, scuffing his bare feet across the rough floorboards, crawling onto the opposite side of the bed.

"Ma?" Colleen looked back down at Michaela, expecting immediate reassurance. She frowned, taking in the paleness of Michaela's face, and the blank staring of her eyes.

All three people jumped slightly to the sound of the back door opening, Matthew appearing after only a second, having heard the disturbance from the barn.

"Dr. Mike?" His eyes were cold and large. The young man arrived by his sister's side, the two older children starting to be concerned by Michaela's silence.

"Maybe she had a bad dream? I know when I have a bad dream, I get real scared… did ya have a bad dream, Ma?" Brian tilted his head, carefully moving further up the bed to obtain his mother's attention.

"Ma?" Colleen looked down at Michaela's limp arm, before turning back to her older brother for support.

"Maybe get her a glass of water?" Matthew shrugged, having no clue as to how to rouse Michaela's attention. Colleen nodded and got to her feet, Matthew taking her place on the side of the bed.

"Everything's all right, Ma… just us here…" Matthew pushed a handful of her tangled hair back over her shoulder, Michaela looking between each of her sons, hands moving quickly, yet not overly dramatically to her stomach, as if to ensure the events still fresh in her mind had really only been illusion.

"Here…" Colleen handed her the glass of water, nodding in encouragement as Michaela hesitantly sipped the contents.

"Thank, thank-you…" She slowly handed the glass back to the girl, Brian having slid up to the top of the bed, leaning gently against her left side.

"Bad dreams ain't real, Ma… remember what you told me… so ya don't gotta be scared… but I'll stay with ya… and then if I see ya havin' a bad dream, I can wake ya up 'fore ya get too frightened…" Brian pulled decisively for the quilt, settling himself comfortably for the night's stay, neither Colleen nor Matthew having the heart to disturb him. Colleen shook her head as Brian helped Michaela rearrange the pillows behind her head; things were getting out of hand.

"Mathew…" The young girl brushed her brother's arm lightly, pulling herself to her feet, gesturing for him to follow her as she made her way towards the back door.

"Need me to tell ya a story, Ma?" Brian let his small fingers run over the back of her left hand, delicately tracing out each individual finger, Michaela still somewhat detached from reality.

"Once upon a time, there was a woman who had five daughters…" The young boy kept his voice hushed as he began the familiar story his Grandmother had told him several years ago.

X.O.X

"You wanna tell me why you're out here in the middle of the night in just a nightdress… gonna catch your death, Colleen!" Matthew shook his hands through his hair, watching in disbelief as Colleen softly closed the barn door, turning back to face him, a bewildered tentativeness creeping into her voice.

"Listen… I promised I wouldn't say nothin'… but… can't keep this up any longer… we gotta do something…" Colleen wrapped her arms across her chest, the night wind they'd just walked through having chilled her to the bone.

"What are ya talkin' about? Ain't nothin' we can do about Dr. Mike havin' nightmares… just gotta…" Matthew took a step backwards, surprised at the snappiness in Colleen's reply.

"I ain't talkin' about that! I… There's just no way to say this… Matthew… Dr. Mike… Ma's…" Colleen patted the palms of her hands rhythmically against her upper arms, pacing in a small circle around the barn, looking undecidedly between the homestead and her brother.

"What's goin' on, Colleen… this got somethin' to do with Sully and Dr. Mike havin' that fight?" Matthew placed his hands on his hips, trying his best to remain sympathetic, however aware of the late hour.

"Probably…" Colleen rolled her eyes, firmly believing Michaela had just made things harder on herself by stubbornly refusing to tell Sully.

"Well…?" Matthew brought his arms forwards, palms up in indication of his exasperation.

"Only found out last week, Brian… he was…" Colleen stuttered, hardly knowing where to begin.

"Colleen… will you just get to the…" Matthew glared at his sister, somewhat taken aback by the outburst that followed.

"Ma's… Ma's… pregnant!" The young girl's blond hair dropped over her shoulders, the anxiety that had built up during her admission, left her somewhat out of breath.

Matthew looked up, an uncomprehending frown appearing on his face. "What…?"

Colleen glared furiously back at him, appalled that he'd had the nerve to question her.

"What? What the hell do you mean 'what'! How many different things does the word 'pregnant' usually mean, Matthew?" The remainder of the trapped air in her lungs came out in a noisy huff, her older brother stuffing his hands into his pockets, before also beginning a slow pace around the barn.

"But, how… ah… I mean… who else knows?" Matthew felt the necessary masculine protectiveness, he knew was expected of him, begin to flow through his veins.

"Well… obviously… Dr. Mike, me, you, that's it. I only know coz Brian was snooping… and you only know, because… because I… I… I can't deal with…" Colleen's fingers had latched themselves together, her face crumbling and previously denied tears clouding her eyes.

"Hey… awww," Matthew saw his sister's face drop. Aware of the tears running down her cheeks, he took a step towards her, wrapping his arms around her shoulders, as Colleen dropped herself wearily against his chest.

"She… said she was gonna tell Sully… but she won't… think that's why they had the fight… she's… just pushin' everyone away, Matthew…" Colleen's face reddened slightly with the emotion she was withstanding. Matthew brought his hands to her shoulders, locking his jaw and trying to decide on the best response.

"Probably real scared, Colleen… you know what she's like… all been too much…" Matthew pulled back, allowing Colleen to glance up at him.

"But, she's worryin' me… she's not takin' care a herself… not eatin'… and the horse ride last weekend… that weren't no accident… reckon she knew exactly what she was doin'…" Colleen turned her head back towards the homestead. Matthew removed his hands from her shoulders, and crossed them decisively in front of himself.

"You sayin' she's tryin' to… but she wouldn't… she'd never…" Matthew shook his head, his eyes narrowing as he mentally willed his sister to recant her words.

"But she is… says it ain't fair on us…" Colleen chewed idly on a fingernail, looking nervously between her hand and her older brother.

"Not us I'm worried about… you imagine Hank's face when he hears about this… we'll never hear the end of it… everyone'll… didn't you say Brian told you?" Matthew's face twitched; a panicked look of concern coming to his eyes; his younger brother was hardly the most reliable child when it came to keeping secrets.

"Yeah… but he didn't get it, I don't think… came to me coz he thinks Ma's worried she's 'gettin' fat'… I knew enough not to tell him anymore…" Colleen reassured Matthew, locking eyes with her older brother, relieved that she at least now had someone to talk things through with.

"So… ah… you're right… we gotta have a talk with her… This thing with Sully just don't make sense… Tomorrow… after church…" Matthew continued nodding lightly, trying to convince himself facing this nightmare was the right course of action.

"All right…" Colleen sighed heavily, her distress having been alleviated by their talk.

"Ain't nothin' we can do about it at this hour… just try and get some sleep… " Matthew paced across the barn, hands resting either side of the ladder that led up towards the hayloft.

"Easy for you to say… out here…" Colleen rolled her eyes, arriving by the door.

"Come get me if there are any problems…" Matthew began climbing the rungs back up to his bed.

"Yeah… you bet I will…" Colleen pushed the large wooden door open, disappearing back out into the night.

X.O.X

Sunday, 3rd September, 1869

One Day Later – 19 Weeks Gestation

X.O.X

"If you all turn your books to page fifty-seven… we'll conclude with the final hymn, Amazing Grace…" the Reverend cleared his throat, closed his bible and raised his arms in front of his chest to lead the congregation into song.

"Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound… that saved a wretch like me…!" Timothy glanced warmly around the church, the warm morning not appearing to dampen anyone's spirits.

"I once was lost… but now, am found… was blind… but now I see…" Dorothy sat next to Loren, fanning herself, and pushing a strand of frizzed hair back over her ear.

"Twas grace that taught my heart to fear… and grace my fears relieved…" Jake sat near the back of the church, looking somewhat bored. Nonetheless, he reluctantly joined in the final song, folding his arms and taking in the families around him.

"How precious did that grace appear… the hour I first believed…" Matthew smiled at Ingrid to his left side, before meeting eyes with Colleen on his right, the pair nodding in understanding at the confrontation that had been planned for that afternoon.

Brian stood by the aisle, to the right of Michaela, the young boy looking around eagerly for Steven. The boys had started a frog-catching conversation an hour earlier, and both were eager to continue it.

"Through many dangers, toils and snares… I have already come…" Michaela shifted her glance unconsciously from the book in her hands, eyes glazing over somewhat. It wasn't until she felt Colleen grip her left hand, that she realized she'd drifted so far from reality.

"'Tis grace hath brought me safe… thus far…" Feeling the young girl's fingers interlock with her own, Michaela knew she was only trying to offer support. Despite turning and smiling weakly in the girl's direction, Michaela couldn't escape the reminder that she had been deceiving Colleen for over a week now. Looking back down at the final words printed in the book, Michaela slipped her hand away from her daughter's grasp.

"And grace will lead me home…" Michaela deflected her eyes downwards, the undeniable guilt over her planned deception reminding her she had to distance herself from those around her… one more day…

X.O.X

"Ah… ready to head off?" Matthew looked between Michaela and Colleen, the two having just finished clearing away the plates and cups from their picnic lunch.

"Is everyone ready?" Michaela looked around with a shrug, eager to move from the hard surface of the picnic rug against the rough ground.

"Sure… just gotta go find Brian…" Colleen turned her head to scan through the sea of families and children playing.

"Yeah… I… ah… best say goodbye to Ingrid…" Matthew pulled himself quickly to his feet, all three of them reaching simultaneously for the red patchwork picnic rug.

"I got it…" Matthew won out, Michaela reaching for the picnic basket instead, Colleen, however, beat her to it.

"It's all right…" The young girl smiled lightly, turning and quickly disappearing off to find her younger brother, her speed more in response to Michaela's frown at her over protectiveness.

"Meet ya back at the wagon, Dr. Mike…" Matthew folded the rug up quickly. Michaela was left slightly jarred at the children's less than subtle behavior.

Shaking her head, with a frustrated sigh, she began walking back towards the wagon, oblivious to the older woman approaching her.

"Oh, Dr. Mike… afternoon…" Olive greeted her, squeezing her right arm affectionately.

"Afternoon, Olive… something the matter?" Michaela raised an eyebrow, sleep deprivation and nervousness resulting in her not feeling the least bit sociable.

"Nothin'… don't gotta be something the matter for me to want a friendly chat, does there?" Olive studied Michaela's ragged expression, worried that the events from the night before had had lasting effects.

"Sorry…" Michaela attempted to brush off her earlier comment, her eyes darting from the ground to Olive, and back across the gathering, hoping the children would approach, providing her with an excuse to leave.

"Is all right… just… been worryin' about ya… since last night… and… well… still can't figure it out, ain't like Sully to be so… confronting…" Olive lowered her voice, trying desperately to convey to Michaela that she wanted to be a friend to her, just that she felt she was never around when she might be most needed.

"I know… I must admit it was a shock to me also…" Michaela let herself, for the first time, remember the emotionally traumatic events from the previous night.

"Just thought he'd a known better and all… I mean… think we're all concerned… but to be so aggressive like that… just ain't right… when ya gonna see him?" Olive let her hand slip from Michaela's arm, aware of a distance between them that she found frustrating.

"In all honesty, I'm not thinking about that…" Michaela sighed with relief when Brian came bounding over towards her.

"Ma… can Steven come 'round just for a few hours… apparently Charles saw couple a new frogs down the creek, wanna see if we can catch 'em…" The young boy took a step backwards, realizing he'd barged into the middle of an adult conversation.

"Sorry… ah… Miss Olive…" He hung his head, Michaela looking back down towards the boy, automatically straightening the collar of his shirt.

"Sweetheart… does it really have to be today? You're going to be with Steven all week at school…" Michaela removed her hands, Brian pulling away from her in superficial resentment.

"Aww, please Ma… Matthew said he'd take him back before supper… and I promise we'll be good…" He looked innocently between Olive and his mother, mentally begging Michaela to give in.

"As long as it's all right with Steven's mother…" Michaela acquiesced, Brian disappearing with an exulted glee back to get his friend.

"Growin' up fast, that one… wantin' to be off... doin' his own thing…" Olive shook her head, a nostalgic smile coming to her lips.

"And that is a relief in itself…" Michaela adjusted her stance uncomfortably, the hot sun radiating through the thick fabric of her striped brown dress.

"All been a very troublin' few months…" Olive trailed off, noticeably cringing as she saw Dorothy and Loren approach.

"Afternoon, Michaela… Olive… what a marvelous day…" Dorothy exclaimed, her fiery red hair glistening in the bright sun. Loren remained quietly by her side, his hat clasped nervously between his hands, remembering his conversation earlier that week with Sully.

"Dorothy… Loren…" Michaela and Olive greeted the pair in turn, everyone looking awkwardly around, Dorothy confidently being the first to speak.

"Michaela, gonna be printin' an article 'bout the play… think Brian's gonna be real excited…" She smiled, everyone eagerly launching into the safe topic.

"He ain't gonna be the only one… weren't it superb… those two were just so adorable at the end though… must be real proud, Dr. Mike…" Olive chuckled, everyone nodding in agreement.

"Oh, it had nothing to do with me… they both worked very hard," Michaela disputed, Loren and Dorothy muttering their agreement.

"Colleen sure is lookin' like you more everyday… what with her hair... and the clothes…" Dorothy smiled reflectively, Loren cutting in realistically.

"Oh, don't you be gettin' all silly now… ain't even related… no reason she's gonna be lookin' like Dr. Mike…" Loren rolled his eyes, Olive shooing him away with sisterly contempt.

"Don't be such an old grouch… just coz they ain't real kin… don't mean Dorothy didn't have a point… Ya done a fine job with those youngin'…" Olive smiled, Michaela looking away, pure relief spreading across her face when she saw Colleen and Matthew heading towards her, locked in serious conversation.

"Thank-you, Olive… but… I think everyone's ready to leave… I wouldn't like to think I'd delayed this frog catching expedition…" Michaela sighed cynically, nodding a quick good day and crossing the grass to meet Colleen and Matthew.

"Aww, Dorothy, why'd ya have to get all foolish 'bout Dr. Mike and the children… just makin' it more obvious…" Loren idly dusted the lint from the brim of his hat.

"Weren't me made it obvious, Loren… 'sides… far as we're concerned, Michaela's their Ma… Olive?" Dorothy found herself reluctantly turning to her sister-in-law for confirmation.

"Dorothy's right… ain't givin' birth to the child makes you love 'em…" Olive watched as Michaela and the children disappeared into the distance, Dorothy not able to resist pointing out an obvious fact:

"Kinda hard for you to comment on somethin' like that, ain't it?" Her voice was direct and cutting. Olive crossed her arms in confrontation.

"That ain't fair… all I meant was…" Olive attempted to defend herself, the animosity between the women fuelling instantly.

"I know what you meant. Meant that adoptin' children is the same as havin' ya own - well, it ain't. Ain't nothin' the same as connectin' with that child… feelin' it growin' inside ya… knowin' that you're responsible for that child havin' life… for comin' into the world… then… havin' to let them go…" Dorothy reflected on the recent pain she'd experienced with her son, her gaze lowering, unable to shake the emptiness at not knowing what had become of him in recent months.

"Well… we ain't all been so lucky…" Olive rested her right hand on her hip, feeling the underlying competitiveness being conveyed in Dorothy's words.

"Ladies… please… please… what is it with the two a you… just… you two seem to wanna argue over somethin' for the sake a it… at the end of the day… don't change anything…" Loren placed his hat back on his head, turning back towards the town, fed up with their squabbling.

Dorothy and Olive exchanged bitter glances, neither willing to apologize, both merely silently watching as Loren rolled his eyes and began the stroll back into town.

X.O.X

"As cold as… swimmin' in the rain…" Brian finished, turning to his friend seated next to him in the wagon.

"Your turn, Steven… Do somethin' fast…" Brian gripped his knees, looking out to the moving countryside whilst his friend pondered his response.

"As… fast as… a galloping horse…" Steven turned to Brian, Michaela looking back to notice Matthew and Colleen at the back of the wagon, conferring quietly.

"As… fast as… a high-ballin' train…whoo-whoo!" Brian giggled, turning to Michaela.

"Your turn Ma… somethin' fast…" Michaela frowned, her attention divided between driving the wagon, Matthew and Colleen's muttering, and now Brian's request.

"Ah… um… as fast as… a… smallpox epidemic…" Michaela slowed the horse as they arrived by the homestead, the boys jumping from their seats immediately.

"Brian… jacket and trousers… Steven can borrow a pair of yours…" Michaela sighed, the boys reluctantly heading back towards the porch, quickly disappearing inside.

"I'll… ah… put the wagon away…" Matthew appeared to Michaela's left, taking the reins and offering to help her down.

"You two have been… quiet…" Michaela smoothed out her skirt, Colleen looking knowingly between her mother and brother.

"Yeah… ah… I'll ah… see if Brian needs any help findin' those clothes…" Colleen turned back to Mathew with an uncomfortable shrug, before heading quickly towards the homestead.

X.O.X

"Stay around the creek, Brian… and Matthew'll be down for you when it's time to take Steven home…" Michaela stood on the edge of the porch, hands resting on the railing. The two boys emerged eagerly through the front door, racing down the steps and off towards the creek.

"Thanks, Ma… gonna catch as many frogs as we can…" Brian turned, his reply rushed.

"Just be careful…" Michaela sighed, watching the boys disappear off into the distance.

Colleen stepped out from the homestead, her arms clutched across her chest, her gaze alternating between the barn and Michaela.

"Ah… Ma… I… reckon ya best come inside… Matthew and I… ah…" She trailed off, the door of the barn opening, and Matthew pacing quickly across the yard.

Michaela frowned, taking a step back from the railing, Matthew and Colleen exchanging confrontational expressions.

"Come on, Ma… gotta have a chat…" Matthew cleared his throat, gesturing nervously to the open door of the homestead. After an uncomfortable glance between each of her children, Michaela reluctantly stepped inside.

"You're doin' all the talkin'…" Colleen whispered, before following behind her. Matthew was left for a moment on the porch, a worried apprehension appearing on his face, before he eventually entered, closing the door firmly behind him.