Characters belong to Shonda. The rest is mine.
One More Try: Chapter Fifty
ARIZONA'S POV
Last night was perfect. Everything about it, except for my worries. I know I'd planned to have a worry free night, but I couldn't help that sinking feeling I had once Eliza and I had shared a bath. I mean, she's young and full of life and here I am…miserable and injured. She needs someone who can give her what she needs. Usually, I'm that person, but lately, I've been slacking. Slacking more than I care to admit. I wanted to be honest with her, and yeah…I am healed enough to be intimate with her. I just can't bring myself to do it. I can't bring myself to strip naked in front of her and have her hands on my body. I just don't feel good about myself right now. Well, I don't feel anything about myself if I'm being totally honest. Mentally, I'm not there yet. I can't even bring myself to look in the mirror most days, so there is no way I'm about to undress in front of my girlfriend. I know she loves me, and I know that she doesn't care about how I look, but I do. I've held that hot and sexy persona for so long, and I fear it's gone for good. I fear I'll never truly get it back.
How can I when I have a huge scar down the left-hand side of my midsection? How can I ever feel completely desired again? I'd like to believe that one day I will, but I fear the blast has taken something from me. Something I'll never find, or feel within myself again. I know I have to try and get back to that place, my good place, but I don't know how. Do I just dive in head first? Do I test the waters and see how it goes? I want to, but I don't want to promise my girlfriend something, only to back out at the last minute. I don't want to work her up and turn her on to stop when the time comes. I'd hate for that to happen to me, so I'm not going to put her through that. I just hope she really can wait for me. I hope she doesn't have her head turned by someone who has a better body than me now that mine is forever scarred. It won't disappear. It won't fade and never be seen again. It's there. A reminder. A mental barrier to ever feeling truly happy with myself again.
I didn't think about it at first. The pain was too intense to even think about the possibility of climbing into bed with Eliza. The ache and the hurt were too intolerable to imagine her taking me like she wants to. Like I want her to. It's only been the past few days that it has played on my mind. Now though, it's all I think about. I lay awake for most of the night thinking about it, and now it's telling on my body. I'm fried. I'm beyond tired. God, she really doesn't need this. I know she has reassured me and I know that she is totally here for me, but I don't like feeling this way. I don't like the feeling of not being in control of my life. I hate it.
It's only making all of this harder for me to take. It's one thing to lose your hearing, but to lose that sense of who you are? That's worse. To lose the confidence you once had for both yourself and your body is soul destroying and I fear it's only going to bring me problems in the future. Problems in my relationship. Eliza says she will wait, but for how long? How long until she meets someone who tells her all the things she wants to hear? How long until she can't wait any longer? I wouldn't blame her. If she needed to move forward and do what was right for her, I'd completely understand. Intimacy is something that has always been important to me. It's always been the one thing that told me things were okay between us. I could feel it. That love. That connection. That undeniable spark we share. If I don't have that, how do I know this is all going to be okay? If I can't express myself sexually, this is all going to unravel around me. It will unravel before my eyes and I'll be left alone with myself and my useless broken body.
Sighing as I shift a little on my stool, I take my coffee cup in my hands and check out today's crossword. Eliza is upstairs preparing for her day on campus, and I've been awake since 5 am. This day isn't going to get any better. The sound of doorsteps above me, I close my eyes and pinch the bridge of my nose. "Arizona?" Watching as my girlfriend takes the staircase, I put on a false smile and she reaches the lower level. "What time did you wake?"
"Oh, only a little while ago." I smile.
"I woke around 5:30 and you weren't there." She furrows her brow.
"Yeah, I was using the bathroom." My gaze switches back to the crossword in front of me and I'm hoping that's the end of that conversation.
"Did you want to meet for lunch today?" She approaches me and presses a kiss below my ear. "I only have classes this morning…"
"I have stuff to do here, sorry."
"Right, yeah." She clears her throat. "Sorry, it was stupid of me to even ask."
"No, I'd love to have lunch with you, but I should wait around for mom to come back."
"She's not back until this evening." Eliza pours herself some coffee and moves around the kitchen. "She is meeting an old friend. She texted me a little while ago."
"Oh." Now, what do I say? Fuck! "I'm sure I can find something to do around here…"
"Yeah, I guess you can." She agrees. "I should head out."
"Eliza…" I call her back as she grabs her belongings.
"Yeah?" She turns back, a hopeful look on her face.
"I love you."
Giving me a full smile, she nods. "I love you, too." Watching her leave, I feel awful for blowing her off but I'm just not feeling it. Maybe I'll talk to her about it tonight. Maybe I won't, though. We've done enough talking to last a lifetime, and soon…she will be bored of hearing about it. I'm already bored of thinking about it.
Leaning against the frame of the window, I smile at my cell phone and listen to my brother telling me all about his fishing trip with dad. It's been a while since Tim and I have caught up, but we get each other. We understand how busy we are. "So, you'll come by and visit soon?" I ask, the rain falling hard on my windows. "When you can?"
"Sure, Zo." He agrees. "I'm so glad that you're feeling better."
"Yeah, if it wasn't for Eliza…I can't say I'd be recovering half as well as I am." I run my fingers through my hair. "You have to meet my girl soon, okay?"
"I can't wait." I know he's smiling. I can tell by the tone of his voice. "Have to thank her, right?"
"For what?" I furrow my brow.
"For keeping my sister safe." He deadpans. "God, I wish you would stay on the same page as me sometimes."
"Hey! I'm recovering, Asshole. You can't say things like that to me." He laughs and my own falls from my mouth. "So, I should go but I'll call you soon, yeah?"
"Not if I call you first." Focusing my eyes on the figure walking down my street, my heart skips a beat when I realize that it's Eliza. "Bye, Zo. Love ya."
"I love you too, Tim." Ending the call, I approach the front door and unlock it. Pulling it open, I stand in the doorway and watch my girlfriend cross the street. "Hey, what are you doing home so early?"
"The students had an uprising." She shrugs as she makes her way up the drive.
"Excuse me?" I furrow my brow. "What does that even mean?"
"I don't know but Professor Daniels hit the roof and canceled class." Brushing past me, she presses a kiss below my ear and gives me a smile. "And since you weren't available for lunch, I figured I'd come home and spend some time with you."
"That's sweet." My heart melting at her words, I close the door behind us and lock up again. "But what's going on at the university, Eliza?"
"Arizona, the students want you back." She turns to face me. "So, they are being disruptive."
"You guys shouldn't do that." I drop my gaze. "It doesn't work like that, and Professor Daniels is just trying to do her job."
"Oh, I have nothing to do with it." She holds up her hands. "I'm keeping my head down, remember?" Mm, now why don't I believe that? "Besides, she's a bitch."
"She is?" I close the distance between us. "Why?"
"Attitude." She scoffs. "She thinks she's gorgeous, too."
"And is she?" I narrow my eyes as my hands settle on my girlfriend's hips. "In your opinion?"
"Nope." She laughs. "How can someone be gorgeous when they have a nasty attitude?" Brushing my hair from my face, Eliza gives me an adorable smile and I lean into her touch. "I missed you, today."
"I missed you, too." I smile. "Can I get us some lunch?" Watching her as she studies my face, I furrow my brow and she places her palm flat against the scar on my stomach, over my hoodie.
"Can I see it?" She asks, her voice soft. "Please?"
"Eliza, I." Shaking my head and dropping my gaze, she curls her fingers under my chin and dips her head a little.
"I know it's on your mind…"
"I'm sorry, I'm trying," I admit, my voice barely audible.
"I just want you to talk to me, Arizona." She gives me a sad smile. "I don't want you to deal with this alone. Just…can I see?"
"I-I don't know." My stomach is turning right now. "What if it freaks you out?"
"That isn't going to happen." She disagrees. "Think about it, at least?" Placing a soft kiss on my lips, she takes a step back and her hand drops from my stomach. "All I ask is that you think about it…" Why do I feel so nervous around her? She loves me more than anything, and I keep backing away from her. Watching her shoulders slump a little as she heads towards the couch, I feel awful. She doesn't deserve this. She doesn't deserve to be pushed away and told to just wait it out. She deserves my honesty. After all, she has been here with me throughout all of this.
Swallowing hard, I follow her into the living room and she drops down onto the couch. This may all go horribly wrong, but I guess it's just something I have to do. I have to show her that I trust her. "Eliza…" I give her a sad smile as I come to stand in front of her. "I'm sorry."
"You don't have to apologize." She glances up at me and takes my hand in her own. "I just want you to know that I'm here for you. No pressure, okay?" Those words stirring something inside of me, I drop her hand and tug at the zipper holding my hoodie in place.
"I just…" Releasing a deep breath, I slowly pull it and it falls open on my body. "Please don't run, okay?"
"I'm not going anywhere." She shakes her head, her eyes still fixed on my own. "Can I?" Gently grazing the material, I give her a slight nod and she pulls my hoodie back, a small smile creeping onto her face. "Trust me, okay?"
"I-I do." I breathe out. Her fingers tracing the outline of my scar, I can't even look at her right now. If her eyes tell me something I don't wish to know, I cannot see that. I cannot witness the horror in those gorgeous green eyes. I can't see her become totally turned off by me. I'd sooner she just left and didn't say anything else. "Say something, please?"
Nothing. Silence.
"Eliza?" My voice breaks a little but she simply shifts in her seat and sits forward a little more. Her lips pressing against my skin…my scar, my breath catches and my eyes close. It's been so long since I've felt her mouth on me. So long since that sensation only she can create has built up in my stomach. Wow…
"Beautiful." She whispers against my skin. "Incredibly beautiful." Tears slipping from my eyes, I glance down at her and watch as her lips continue to trail my skin. Her attention now on other parts of my body. "I love you, Arizona…and you are so perfect. Everything about you." Oh god. This woman surprises me every single day. She just has a way of making me feel alive every time her hands are on my body. Every time her skin touches my own. That is something I could never live without.
Her hands lacing with my own, she pulls me down into her lap and falls back against the couch. "I'm sorry," I whisper against her mouth. "I do trust you." Tugging at my bottom lip, my forehead rests against her own and she smiles.
"Don't think for one minute that the past few weeks have changed anything for me." She breathes against my lips. "You are still the hottest woman in this world." A small smile creeping onto my own lips, I run my thumb across her cheek and she gives me the most adorable look. "Seeing you like this…God, it's been a while." Clearing her throat, she drops her gaze and it feels as though she is squeezing her thighs together. She's aroused…
Not something I expected to happen, but it sure makes me feel better about myself. Toying with the zip on my hoodie, I can feel her eyes on my body. I can feel them trailing my skin and I won't lie, it's an amazing feeling. Her thumb brushing the underside of my breast, it takes everything I have within me not to moan. I'm not sure I'm ready for this, and I don't want her to get her hopes up. I really can't let that happen. If I'm in…I'm all in. I have to make a decision right now. I have to decide if I'm ready to reconnect with the absolute love of my life. "Eliza…" I breathe out, her green eyes piercing my soul.
"I'm sorry." She drops her hand. "I just…you are just as gorgeous as ever, okay?" Her hands resting on the couch either side of my legs, she's now scared to touch me. You have to sort yourself out, Arizona. Her eyes are telling me that I can trust her with my life, and my body is telling me that I need this. I need her. "Let me fix us up some lunch, okay?"
"Take me to bed." My words holding no hesitation whatsoever, she studies my face and sits forward a little. "Please…"
"No, I shouldn't have done that." She shakes her head. "I shouldn't have put you in that position. I just...I've missed your body. I'm sorry."
"So, take me to bed and show me how much you've missed it." I know I need this. I know I need her hands on me. All over me. I have to take my life back. I may not be able to head outside or do the normal things I'm used to right now, but I can scream my girlfriend's name, and right now…I really need to. "I need you, Eliza." My thumb running across her bottom lip, I lean in and capture them. "God, I need you more than anything else in this world."
Thanks for reading, guys. Reviews are welcome and appreciated as always.
