Showdown Chapter
I own nothing…this fabulous world and everything in it belongs to the very talented Stephenie Meyer…I do however, own this particular story…whatever that means!
Quotes from New Moon, pages 69-72 belong exclusively to Stephenie Meyer.
Author's Note: Even though she won't admit it, a very special thank you to grumpy grizzly that co-authored this chapter. Sometimes it's so difficult to get what's on your head down on the paper – she helped me do just that!
Thanks to my beta, heartbroken1 and Mandi1, who help me so much every week.
Also, I forgot to mention a very special thank you to my husband. He helped me "research" the dance and kiss from the last two chapters, so I could write every movement, every nuance – every feeling. We "researched" lots and lots of times! Thanks sweetie!
One last thing…I've been nominated for a Denali Coven Fan fiction award in the category of The Danger Magnet Award – Best Bella Fic. I'm truly honored and if you're feeling I'm worthy, please cast a vote for me on their site. You can check out all the categories at the following address (voting starts May 15th!):
thedenalicoven./index.cgi?boardawards
A special thank you to whomever nominated me – I'm humbled by the nod! Many of my friends, including my beta, heartbroken1, and my own personal Alice, Mandi1 have been nominated. Please cast a vote for all these talented ladies! Thank you – rant done!
Enjoy!
Chapter 43: Showdown
I ran from Edward's tender embrace, the excruciating pain inside about to rip me in two. Caring not where I was going, but hell bent on escape, I unsuccessfully tried to clear my mind by focusing on putting distance between myself and everyone else. I avoided the front of the building, where the taxis waited for intoxicated guests of this event that had suddenly gone so terribly wrong. I knew that as soon as I was out of human eyesight, I could run faster without drawing unwanted attention to myself. I headed for the thick forest that surrounded the campus – hoping that my familiarity with the area would work to my advantage.
The peep-toe pumps that Alice had carefully selected for me were slowing me down. I hopped on one foot, removing the right shoe and then the left. I gathered them into my hands, pushing my legs to move faster. The only sounds my ears registered were the barely crackling leaves beneath my feet and the soft rustling of the taffeta of my dress. I pressed on increasing in speed trying to escape him.
Though I couldn't truly feel it, the night was cold and windy, and the darkness was upon me. The only light in the sky was a fat, waxy moon, illuminating my way through the woods though my eyes barely needed the help. I had been through this part of the forest before and knew the direction to get back to the house.
I was hoping to outrun him, find my way back to my place and lock myself in before he could find me. Not that a simple lock would keep him out if he were determined to find me. I was remembering how I used to leave the windows unlocked for him back in Forks, when I suddenly heard the almost indiscernible sound of his feet barely making contact with the earthen floor.
My mind could see the wind whipping through his bronze colored hair and my fingers tingled with the memory of having touched it mere minutes ago. My mind flashed back to the first time that he ran with me on his back – even as frightened as I was, I could feel his hair on my cheek, the softness of it making me want to reach out and touch it.
Thoughts drifted into my mind, unbidden -- to the first time he kissed me by my old truck, something I had wished for since the day I first laid eyes on him in the Forks High cafeteria. My eyes began to sting with those damn unshedable tears.
Why had he kissed me? Why now? Why tonight? Why had he sung so quietly in my ear, the words so tender, so sincere that he made me believe, if only for a moment, that he still loved me? Why after all this time would he hurt me again? Was this all just a game to him? I was so confused that my pace began to slow, as my focus turned to organizing the mangle of thoughts racing through my mind, though the revelations that were beginning to form were impossible to believe.
I felt my sadness, confusion and the beginning of rage starting to build and that unseen shield, my "gift" as Carlisle called it, started to build in strength. I found the switch in my mind and tried to level it off, knowing that my emotions were spilling over and taking hold. I thought back to when I destroyed Victoria and even as angry as I was, I didn't want to hurt him. There had already been enough pain – for so many lifetimes...
I ran harder, pushing my legs until they could go no faster, but I could hear him gaining on me like a man possessed. I remembered how fast he had run with me to escape James that horrible night. By now, we were deep in the thick, ancient trees that surrounded the campus.
"Bella, wait. Please stop," he called, his beautiful voice pleading with me to listen.
Without my permission, my heart halted my body, the movement so quick that I almost toppled forward. My eyes fluttered shut, knowing that what was coming had the potential to become catastrophic, ripping my existence apart again. But I also knew it was inevitable, and that my running would only delay the awful conversation that I knew was coming...as early as that first fateful night in the registration hall.
I heard him stop behind me. I could feel my hair moving from his cool breath. He was so close. I could feel him reach for my shoulders as my hands formed into fists, mangling the shoes that I held, as I heard the leather soles bend and then crack, snapping them in two. They were ruined now. Again, I fought to crank my emotions down to a manageable level. I was so torn between the longing to be in his arms and the anger I felt at him.
"Bella, please look at me. Please don't run. We have to talk," Edward said softly, his voice strong but with a distinct edge of begging.
I turned to look at him and he dropped his hands to his sides. He was still the same – he looked just as beautiful as he always had, every single time I had seen him. He hadn't ever changed, not one bit and dressed in his expensive suit, that inhuman beauty was magnified. My hands, my arms ached to hold him again, but my rational brain clamped down on my ardent heart, trying to protect itself from being destroyed again.
I knew that I had been lucky to survive heartbreak twice – I knew I couldn't survive it a third time and that was where I was headed. He grabbed one of my hands in his but I wrenched it away.
"What was that back there? What are you trying to do to me?" I cried out in anguish, my heart afraid of what he would say, knowing that any answer could hurt at this point.
He tenderly brushed a lock of hair behind my ear. "Bella, I need to explain some things to you. I need you to listen, even if you don't feel the same way as I do -- I need to make sure that you understand how I feel about you."
I knew where this was going. He was regretting the whole "being friends" thing and that hole in my chest began to throb. It almost felt as if my heart had started again so it could be shattered…again. I couldn't believe that I had been such a fool to assume that this would work.
Now I would lose them all.
I couldn't continue to be in the Cullens' life when Edward didn't want me around. I never should have continued to visit them week after week. Going back to my solitary life was going to be torturous. I took a step backwards away from him.
"I know how you feel about me, Edward. I've known for a long time. I was just hoping that things could be different, but I'm sorry I assumed too much -- hoped too much. I'm sorry I made you uncomfortable."
He looked at me, the patience in his expression melting away, giving way to an exasperated look. "Bella, I'm beginning to think that you have no idea how I really feel about you, and I'm not walking away this time. I need you to hear me out." He said firmly closing the distance between us.
Is he kidding? Now I have to stand here, humiliated, and have him tell me – again – that he doesn't love me. "Edward, I don't need to hear it again. Things haven't changed. I know that."
He took another step toward me, and I responded by taking one back. I had no idea where this was going, but I knew it couldn't be good. Yet, he was persistent. He stepped toward me and took my hand in his again. "Bella, you're right. Things haven't changed, not for me at least. But I need to reassure myself that you understand exactly what I'm talking about."
My whole body locked in place as my heart braced for impact, my free arm wrapping itself around my torso defensively. To hear him say it again…it was too much to bear. "Please, Edward…don't." My head dropped, as my eyes closed tightly shut.
His hands dropped to his sides. "Bella, I need you to hear it. I need to see your face when I say it. I need to lay it out there for you…for us. I have to say this before I go out of my mind. Bella love, please look at me." His voice had become strong and forceful and my eyes opened as I finally realized something. He called me…love? Why would he do that? My heart began to hope. Whatever I had been planning to say was gone from my conscious thoughts, as the impact of what he called me came to the surface. Had I heard him correctly? I raised my eyes slowly, unsure of what I would see.
Edward hadn't moved from his spot, but his eyes were full of tenderness. They were the deep, rich gold I had always loved. He was looking at me like he did that day in the meadow, but it just wasn't possible. His shoulders were tense, as if he was having difficulty standing still, as his hands clenched and unclenched, over and over. I fought internally to resist grabbing them and stilling them with my own. My heart and head were being torn in two. I was impossibly confused by this point.
My mind seemed to only recognize one word. What had he just called me? Love? He used to call me that back in Forks, but why was he using that term of affection now? "Why did you call me that?" I asked, realizing how difficult it was for me to form the words, my voice barely louder than a whisper, that hope growing by the minute.
He looked at me as if he couldn't understand my question. His eyes were searching mine trying to understand my confusion. His usually smooth forehead creased, his brows furrowed and he spoke almost reverently, "I don't understand, Bella. Why did I call you what?"
I couldn't help it. I rolled my eyes in frustration, letting out the giant breath I had been holding as a sigh. "You called me…" I inhaled sharply again, not sure I could actually say the word aloud,"…love. Why?"
Edward took another step toward me, but I took another one back, lifting my hands in front of myself protectively. He froze in place fighting the unseen force that was involuntarily rising from me and trying to push him backwards. "Bella, I called you that because that's what you are to me. I l-"
"NO! Don't you dare that that word to me! Now now, not after all this time," I screamed at him, as my body started to tremble with more emotions than I could sort. He flew back a few feet in surprise. My unbeating heart nearly stopped, when I realized that my "gift" was active, and I fought desperately to get it under control.
His fingers started to run through his hair, his thick tresses become messier and tangled. The unique bronze color, shimmering in the moonlight glimmered and magnified his beauty even more. This was the Edward I remembered in Forks -- the seventeen year-old body, with the soul of someone so much older. I momentarily wished it were my fingers doing that very same thing, until I shook my head, determined to stay in the moment, while I waited for an explanation. I could feel the rage overtaking the hope within me and suddenly he took a few steps back until he was leaning against a tree.
"Why?" It was the only thing that came to mind and the most that my mouth could utter, as I tried to keep the panic and fear at a manageable level.
He looked at me so tenderly, firmly taking a step toward me. "Why what, Bella?"
"Why? Why did you kiss me?" I sobbed in desperate pleading, though my heart feared that it already knew the answer, impossible as it was to believe.
"Why?" The tone of his voice was part confusion, part exasperation. "Bella love, I've wanted to kiss you since that first day when we found you again. It's killed me to wait this long." He hesitantly moved closer to me again.
"Edward," I cautioned, though my voice sounded more like a whimper than a warning.
The look on his face was undeniable now. He looked like a driven man who intended to get what he wanted. He took in a deep breath, "Bella, I love you. I've never stopped loving you." He continued moving towards me but slowly as if every step required superhuman effort.
I shook my head violently, as my head processed what he was saying, but my heart refused to take note of it. He never loved me. I'd learned the hard way that it wasn't possible for me to hold onto any man's love, especially Edward's. No...I can't listen to him. He's lying to me. My emotions were out of control, and I saw him lose ground and fly backwards a few feet.
My mouth quickly followed my mind's angry lead. "You're lying. Why would you lie to me, especially about this? Why are you intentionally trying to hurt me again?" I could feel the tremors coming, but I was resolved to calm my mind, afraid of what might come if I couldn't get my emotions back in check.
"Bella, I'm not lying to you. Not now and not about this," he replied with absolute determination written all over his face.
My furious heart only caught the words "not now". "But you've lied to me before, is that what you're telling me?" I challenged, my voice uncharacteristically hard, as I desperately tried to steer the conversation toward something that would finally make some sense. My fury was barely contained and I noticed him move backwards again.
"Only once, Bella, and it was to protect you."
Excuse me? "Protect me? Protect me from what? Look at me Edward! Do I look like I need protection?" My mouth seemed to be working of its own accord, my heart finally unleashing all the pain I had held in for over a decade...left there to fester and multiply.
He looked at me with an expression of sadness that I couldn't understand and his eyes were impossible to decipher. "Protect you from everything that I brought into your life. Protect you from me, my family, the danger that you were in every single second you were with me. I loved you too much to see you get hurt anymore, even if it cost me."
Cost him? I ignored the love part for now, not willing to even consider the possibility. "Cost you?" My voice was thick with disbelief. "Cost you what? Do you have any idea, any concept, any small clue what I've lost? Do you ever think of anyone but yourself?"
He was flung back into the tree again as I stood erect and defiant with my chin out and my eyes blazing with every ounce of fury that I possessed. His eyes filled with pain – finally an emotion that I recognized. "Bella, I left Forks for you. Maybe it doesn't make any sense, but I did all of this for you," he said his eyes now blazing as furiously as mine. Obviously he was desperate to explain his reasoning to me.
I shook my head, his words not making any sense to me. Left for me? "That makes no sense, Edward. But then again, you never did make much sense – at least not to me. None of this is making any sense." My voice continued to lower in volume, until I was almost whispering.
"Bella, please listen to me. We can talk about this and figure it out together." My head slumped to my chest as I heard him move closer to me again. "I can't lose you now. I've lived without your warmth, your heart, and your love for 10 years. I need to say some things to you, things I didn't get to say that night we talked." He was close enough to put his hands on my shoulders again, while one found its way to my cheek, his thumb lightly caressing my skin. My heart won out for a moment as I relished his touch, as I leaned into his caress. "We can take this as slowly as you need, but please give us another chance."
My mind was a muddle of thoughts and coherent reasoning at this point was beyond my reach. "Edward, I'm not sure what you're talking about. I thought I knew what you came to tell me that night at the house. We even agreed to be friends. I know it's not easy, but I'm extremely grateful that you're willing to try." He pulled me to his chest to hug me close to him, but my stiff resistance made him let go. He took a step back.
Edward's eyes narrowed, before he slowly shook his head. "Bella, I don't want to be your friend. I…"
I cut him off, as my panic increased, while my heart started to recognize something faint -- a feeling that I couldn't quite put my finger on, but something altogether familiar. My mouth continued to work of its own volition. "I knew it. I knew you were just trying to be kind to me for the sake of your family. Esme said something to you, didn't she? Or was it Alice? Look Edward, if you don't want to be friends, we don't have to pretend. It can't be comfortable for you. I know at times, it's definitely not easy for me," I explained, my words running together.
Edward closed his eyes, taking in a deep breath, before he reached up and characteristically began to pinch the bridge of his noise. He'd done this so many times back in Forks and images came rushing back to me uninvited. The hole in my chest was expanding, as thoughts that I had locked away years ago came bursting forth, like a broken dam during flooding season. Suddenly, Edward's back hit the tree again with a loud crack.
"Bella." His breath came out in one long rush as he spoke my name, full of impatience. "What I mean to say," he began sternly as he peeled himself off the trunk of the tree, "is what I want from you is so much more than friendship. Alice can have your friendship, be your sister. Rosalie as well. The whole family…" he trailed off as each step brought him closer to me again. He lips pursed before he continued. "I want more than that from you. Infinitely more." He was reaching for me again, but I backed away.
What the hell is he talking about? "Edward, if you don't want to be my friend, what exactly are you trying to say?" My heart began to hope, but my head wasn't about to listen, knowing that it was trying to protect me. It was an internal struggle that was impossible to rectify.
He grabbed my by my shoulders and said loudly, "Bella, I love you. I've never stopped loving you. I'm going to keep saying it until you hear me." His eyes were blazing in their intensity as they probed mine for a response to his declaration.
Confusion was invading every part of my mind. If he never stopped loving me why did he ever leave? My mouth formed those words before my conscious mind stopped to even think about it. "If you really love me or loved me, how could you leave me? Why did you go?" He dropped his hands from my shoulders as if he had been burned.
Edward linked his hands behind his back and he started to pace in front of me, glancing up continually, his look impossible to interpret. His lips started to form whatever was on his mind, but nothing came out. Finally, he took in a deep breath, closing his eyes before halting his step. He turned to look at me, releasing that breath, his eyes now a molten gold, fixed entirely on me. "I never should have left you. I should have been honest with you about everything, but I thought that this was best for you. I thought what I was doing was wrong. That every minute I was with you put you in danger."
"Edward, you've already said that -- you're not answering my question," I said through clenched teeth. The tightness in my jaw did nothing to help with my frustration that was beginning to permeate my entire being, helping that invisible wall strengthen. I took several breaths, attempting to calm myself, and knowing that if I couldn't, I might hurt him, which would hurt me even more. I shook my hands in the air, trying to work some of the frustration out of my body.
"Bella, I left because I didn't want this life for you. I loved you enough that I wanted you to have a normal, human life. A life that I couldn't give you. One that didn't include the danger that I was constantly putting you in."
I had never felt such exasperation before. "Edward, what are you talking about?"
"Bella, please let me finish. There are so many things that I have to tell you, before I lose you forever. I can't go through that again."
"Go ahead. I'm listening," I spat out. My rational head was telling my broken heart to run, before it was too late.
"When I left you, I did it so you could have a happy, human life – one that I couldn't give you. And you did – you got married, you had a beautiful baby girl and everything was as it should be. I had no idea that Victoria would find you in Forks. I looked for her -- I promise you, I did."
My confusion turned to shock. "YOU DID WHAT? What were you thinking?" I was shouting now. He flew back several feet as I advanced on him, but then he held his ground.
"I tried to find her, but I was terrible at tracking. But I wouldn't give up. I had to keep you safe. When we found you again, and I realized what you had become, I was devastated that I had failed you."
Part of my heart – the part that was still desperately in love with him -- was ordering me to go to him, to tell him that none of this was his fault. But the broken part, the part that had been bleeding for more than a decade was angry – no…it was livid. "You left," I spat out, "I had Jacob to protect me. I was fine for seven years. I didn't need you to look after me. Why would you even have cared after what you said to me?"
His face grew hard, his lips forming a tight line. Any tenderness he had left his expression. "I was supposed to leave you to the mercy of rogue vampires and unstable two-timing werewolves? And then what, Bella? I'm not supposed to care that he left you to be massacred! He didn't take care of you. He fell in love with another woman and left you to lose everything." He was roaring at me and advancing toward me with a stubborn yet determined look.
What was a conversation of fact finding became a conscious need to defend Jacob – my Jacob. "How dare you! You don't even know him! He put me back together after you left, after I fell completely apart. I may have glossed over the details that first night, Edward, but when you left, I almost didn't make it. I was destroyed when you left. I completely fell apart."
"Jacob was patient and kind and he was there for me. We fell in love and we had a family…" I paused, taking in a giant breath, trying to keep the sobs at bay, "…for a while. He couldn't help it that he imprinted. That wasn't his fault. But you left me…you left! And why? Because you got bored? Because I was too difficult to handle? Because you got tired of taking care of me?"
"I left to keep you safe. And then I did everything I could to continue to keep you out of harm's way!" He yelled back.
I was indignant now. "I know that I was just a distraction for you. I won't be that for you again!" I shrieked.
He stopped in his tracks, his face incredulous, as he calmly shook his head while he looked at me. "What are you talking about?" His voice had returned to a quiet velvet tone.
I took a step toward him, my anger making me see red and knowing that there was no way that I could hold back. "I remember everything you said to me that day in the forest."
"But my kind…we're very easily distracted." I reminded him with a sneer. He was pushed backwards with force by each step I advanced.
"Bella, I never meant that you were a distraction. I never once meant it like that. I had to be cruel, so that you would eventually get over me and have that life that I desperately wanted for you, though it killed me to do it. If I could give you your old life back, I would. This was not how your life was meant to be. This isn't how any of our lives were supposed to be."
I was about to unleash something that I knew might end this forever, but I couldn't stop myself. All the questions, thoughts and misgivings came to the surface, and they refused to be quieted. I hadn't been honest with myself about one thing and I was about to confront him with it…right now. "You also promised me that I would never see you or your family ever again, or don't you remember that? Just another reason why I don't believe in promises. No one ever keeps them. They just don't exist. It will be as if I never existed." I nearly spit his own words back in his face.
"Bella, I only told you that to assure you that we wouldn't bother you again, that we wouldn't come back and upset your world all over again. I didn't want you pining away in hope that I would change my mind. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do but I was certain that, in time, you would forget all about me. That you would be like every other human teenage girl that I had come across in all my years on this earth, and would move forward without me. How did I have any idea that we would run into you again? Please don't misunderstand me – I've never been so grateful that my family dragged me out than I was that night when we found you at the university. I…"
Dragged? I dismissed his choice of words and continued my onslaught. "Every other teenage girl? I loved you! I was willing to give up everything to be with you and what did you do? You threw it away. And now I'm supposed to what? Just swoon because the great Edward Cullen decides that he's ready for another shot at this? What is this, anyway?"
Edward's shoulders slumped and my heart, that huge part that loved him still, no matter what he had done, was raging a battle with the rest of me. I had two choices. One, I could just forgive him and run to him, and take hold of what I wanted, even knowing that it could all end tomorrow. The other part, the more rational party, told me to let him have it and walk away. That nothing good could come from being with Edward Cullen. Even after falling in love with Jacob, there was the occasional reminder of him that would send me into a tailspin, showing me that my poor heart never really recovered from the pain.
"Bella, I want to be with you. I want to make up the last ten years to you. I want to love and protect you and never, ever let you go. What do I have to do to make that happen? What can I do to show you how much I love you?" He had moved very near while my mind had tried to make sense of his words. His voice was now low in my ear and he was so close. He wrapped his arms around me and my heart let my body melt into him momentarily. I sighed as I tried to fight the pain and the hope and the despair and the joy of him next to me.
Before my heart could betray me further, my head jumped the line and what came out sounded completely foreign and unlike anything that had ever entered my conscious mind before. "This is all your fault."
He stopped in place, like a block of ice. He released me and stared at me. "What?" I could barely hear him.
"If you had just left me alone, if you had just kept your distance," I remembered him repeatedly telling me that he wasn't a good friend for me, "if you hadn't been so damn selfish, which you yourself admitted to, none of this would have happened."
"Maybe James would have found me in Forks," he winced, but I ignored it, and continued with my destruction of him, "but at least I wouldn't be in the mess I was in now."
"Even with Jacob and his imprint, I would still have my baby. Grace and I would be together right now. She and I would be getting ready for Halloween, finding her a costume, and planning on what she would say at every house she trick or treated at."
I was sobbing now, and couldn't contain the heaving that took my entire body prisoner. "We could bake cookies and I could rock her to sleep every night. I could see her grow up, and be there everyday."
"But instead, I get to receive a daily email that shows me a picture of her. A flat, one-dimensional image of my Grace, which is what I am now. Flat with no real existence, so it's really appropriate considering what I am to her now. Nothing. Thank you very much, Edward Cullen. Your plan for my happy, human life worked out just great, now didn't it?" The volume of my voice was deafening, but Edward never moved an inch.
I took a deep breath, feeling exhausted after my emotional rant. My heavy chest finally relieved after so many years of harboring the pain, and then my heart realized the impact of what I'd said. Edward slumped to the ground on his knees, his palms supporting his weight, while his head hung low.
I instantly regretted what I'd shouted at him, but my pride wouldn't let me take one word of it back. Even if it killed me to see him in so much pain, I had waited so long to get that off my chest. I hadn't the luxury of sharing any of this with Jacob or anyone else, and he needed to know how much damage he'd caused when he left.
He didn't look up, but spoke to me, his usual soft, velvet voice, broken and jagged as he formed each word. "Bella, I'm so sorry. I never wanted to hurt you. I thought you could forget about me, but I knew that I would never forget you. I love you so much."
He got to his feet when I noticed his expression change from sadness to realization, but of what I couldn't be sure. "You kissed me back. You must feel something for me, Bella. I wasn't imagining all that back there." His voice was full of defiance, and he looked straight at me, as if daring me to dispute his claim. But then his eyes softened, like a small child. "You have to feel something for me. You kissed me back."
"No, I didn't," I lied, my voice betraying me, as I started to sob, my hands rubbing my eyes, before they ran through my hair, the beautiful work Rosalie and Alice had made of it ruined by the intrusion.
Edward's eyes softened even more, and his voice followed suit. "Yes, you did. I felt it and it was the most wonderful thing I've experienced since I made the worst decision of my life -- since I left you. Please look at me, Bella."
I couldn't lift my head and instead felt his finger beneath my chin, lifting my face to look at his. "I. Love. You." Edward said each word slowly, his tone and eyes giving them importance and meaning. "Why won't you believe me?"
I shook my head, as the battle raging inside continued. "If you loved me as much as you claim, you would have never left in the first place. Or at the very least, you would have come back and told me that you loved me. You would have proven it to me, but you didn't." My voice was so dull and quiet, I wouldn't have been surprised if he hadn't heard me.
He glanced up at me, his mouth twitching, as if he was looking for just the right word to say, and then he stood, looking at me directly. "You're right, Bella. I did leave." He paused and I thought he was finished but then he added, "But I'm here now. I have to ask you -- where do we go from here? I love you and in my heart, I feel we belong together." He took my face in both of his hands and caressed it gently. My heart longed for another kiss from him.
But without my permission, my head rushed ahead of my heart. "No where. This can't work – not now, not ever. Even if I could believe you, I know that you'll just leave when it gets too hard or you realize you made another mistake. I can't deal with that again. My heart may no longer beat, but it cannot take being broken again."
Edward looked at me for what seemed like an eternity, taking in every line of my face, his eyes full of sadness, and then finally, resignation, before he dropped his hands from my face, and nodded his head once. "I know you no longer believe in promises, Bella, But there is one last thing that you need to know."
I internally vowed to myself that I wouldn't break down in front of him again. My pride wouldn't let me, even if my heart was breaking all over again. "What's that?" I managed to utter.
"I will never stop loving with you. Even if I live forever, you will be the only woman that I have ever loved. That will never falter. I will not force myself on you but if you ever change your mind, if you ever find that you need me for whatever reason, I will be there in a moment's notice. I'll always be right here for you."
And with that, he took one last longing look, and then his molten gold eyes turned icy and hard and devoid of any emotion. His face was tight and it looked like he was about to take a step toward me, before he turned abruptly on his heel and walked away, slowly. I followed his form until he disappeared.
Once I was sure he was gone, I fell to the floor of the forest, the mud and bracken ruining my beautiful dress. I sat there for what seemed like hours, wishing that my body would simply pick itself up and carry me back to the house. Every word that I had spoken, every word he had said in return, rattled about in my head, until the voices were shouting. I rubbed my temples, hoping to ease the ache, but really knowing that the pain was coming from my heart.
I finally picked myself up and began to run, pushing myself to clear the forest quickly and was relieved to see the porch light of the house, it's bright light welcoming me, while it taunted me with the reminder that it would be the only thing in my life now. I had lost Edward tonight and the rest of the Cullens wouldn't be too far behind.
I lumbered up the steps of the porch, breaking the lock, when I realized that I didn't have my keys. I shut the door and walked inside, the dark rooms a perfect image for my life. This is what I had to look forward to…forever. I would need to adjust to the loneliness and heartache again, and there was no time like the present.
I slid to the floor in my living room, the soft rug a welcome reprieve from the hardwood floors. I curled in toward myself and began to rock back and forth, letting the pain claim me. There was no turning back now. I was alone now and would be forever.
I couldn't stop the memories or the voices from flooding back as I sat in the dark in my eternal loneliness. Edward's image came barging to the front of my mind. Edward's voice and everything he had said to me echoed in my thoughts. He'd wanted me to have a human life? True, I had had that very life he'd spoken of with Jacob. As each word registered in my brain, still images came to mind. Of Jacob, of our little home on the reservation, of my Grace. A violent sob wracked my body, while I continued to contemplate my life for the past decade.
Jacob was lost to me. After his imprint, it was only fitting to let him go. He wasn't complete with me, and he deserved to be happy, especially after everything he had done to keep me safe – everything that he had to give up when his tribal legend was forced upon him, for carrying the werewolf gene. Jacob's bloodline was strong – in retrospect, he'd never had a chance. In my mind, his imprint was his reward for all the sacrifices he'd made.
I had no home now, simply a house where I fought my way through the long days and nights, waiting to return to work, hoping for some relief from the loneliness. True, I found some quiet here and was able to just be Bella. But if I was really being honest with myself, Bella didn't exist anymore. To everyone but the pack, she was dead. Victoria had made sure of that, driving my truck off the cliffs near First Beach. She had planned that well.
My heart filled only with pain, I felt dead.
And cold.
And completely alone.
And Grace…my family… This was the worst part. I knew getting over Jacob would be painful when we separated and ultimately divorced. But having Grace cushioned the blow. Having her was the ultimate blessing in my life. She was the most perfect creature in my existence and to have her ripped from my life, from my arms, but to have her firmly planted in my heart with absolutely no way to be part of her life was, at times, completely unbearable. But I had to stay away. She couldn't have a normal human life, not with a mother like me.
All gone.
My eyes were filled to the brim with those tears that could never fall, and my frustration grew, as I wondered in vain how it would feel to have a good cry, to unleash all the emotions that were always inside, usually kept in check, but still ever-present.
I didn't bother to keep my emotions controlled this time. I could feel the force of my shield all around, creating an invisible cocoon around me. It must have encompassed the entire house by now. Edward's beautiful voice, the voice that excited and calmed me, the voice that I wished to hear, even after he left, so much so that I purposely put myself in danger, called to me in my mind, bringing back images from our fight.
"Bella, I'm so sorry…"
Wow…everyone is always so sorry, I thought as I choked back more blubbering, as I could hear the sarcasm while I spoke to myself aloud. "Edward, Jacob, even Alice…but what is everyone really sorry for? Sorry that I'm hurting? Sorry that everyone else gets to have the life they want, while I sit here in misery?"
I chuckled sadly to myself, while the hysteria began to take hold.
My mind flashed back to that day, when I was only a few days past my eighteenth birthday, bringing back that pain and horrible memory even more distinctly than I had ever remembered it since my change. The darkness of night brought back the loneliness that started to invade my heart when he told me something that I knew was coming all along more than ten years ago. Victoria had been right about one thing -- someone as plain as me could never hold someone like him. I hadn't been enough…not for him. Not for anyone. The self-pity once started could not be stemmed and all the stabbing words from back then returned to reopen my wounds.
"You…don't…want…me?"
"No."
And yet, I couldn't forget what he said to me just hours ago.
"Bella, I love you. I've never stopped loving you. I'm going to keep saying it until you hear me."
I had heard him, and although my heart believed him without question, my head stood in the way, frantic to protect me.
I shook my head from side to side, as my head tried in vain to process two very real voices. Both belonged to Edward and they were a complete contradiction to the other.
One was telling me that he lied, that he loved me, that he only did what he had that terrible day in the forest to protect me. The other remembered the cruel way he spoke to me, the stone expression on his face and the way that he ran from me, leaving me alone in the thick cover of trees behind Charlie's home.
I could feel real pain, deep in my chest, as that hole, the one that Jacob helped to patch but had never healed, tore wide open. My hands flew to my chest, certain that I would discover my insides exposed, but only felt the delicate lace of my tattered dress instead.
I never knew something could feel this horrific. As little as I could remember of giving birth to Grace, or of the painful three days that I spent alone in my classroom back in Forks as the venom raced through my system changing me into some soulless, immortal creature, this pain was immeasurably worse. This throbbing was all-consuming and crippled me both physically and emotionally.
I wasn't able to tell the difference between the past and the present, as each word he spoke now and those horrendous things he said to me all those years ago rattled about in my brain, one in complete contradiction to the other. The only thing that compared was losing my baby – my little Grace.
And so I sat through the darkest night of my existence…letting myself finally be consumed in the misery that no one could save me from.
I was truly alone.
