Chapter 53: Our Luck
-Where are we?
Evelyn was trying to peek over Cullen's shoulder to the foggy lake behind them, slowly walking over a humble pier where someone had placed an intricate smelting lamp that didn't match the setting at all, especially considering it rested over a simple crate, sticking out like a sore thumb in the middle of the night. Not that she was complaining. Their surroundings were stunning: the smell in the air, the quiet night, the soft breeze blowing the leaves in the trees to lull them until they felt at peace, free, away from the tempestuous lives they lived, allowing them to breathe deeply and just enjoy the night.
For once they were completely alone, no nobles or companions, not even soldiers or guards, just them in the solitude of the night. That, apparently, had been Cullen's intention all along, for when she asked about their whereabouts, he smiled knowingly, aware that she had been curious of where he was taking her ever since leaving Skyhold.
-You walk into danger every day,- he said while still strolling toward the end of the dock, Evelyn's steps behind him. -I wanted to take you away from that.- He took her hand when she caught up with him. -If only for a moment.
Evey didn't let go of his hand when he stepped back and leaned on a wooden pillar. He looked around, his eyes distant as he reminisced in the past, a gloved thumb caressing the back of her hand.
-I grew up not far from here. This place was always quiet.
At the mention of his childhood, she felt herself smiling almost instantly. Ever since that evening in the Western Approach, they rarely talked about their families, usually too immersed in the Inquisition's problems to just stop and remember better times.
-Did you come here often?- she couldn't help but ask, the chance to learn about his childhood too tempting to let pass.
At her question, Cullen's eyes got lost in the distance. Then, just a moment later, he smiled warmly.
-I loved my siblings.- He looked at her, the scar on his mouth tightening. -But they were very loud. I would come here to clear my head.- Once again, his eyes focused ahead, beyond the fog, and he chuckled. -Of course, they always found me eventually.
She stepped closer until her left shoulder touched his right arm, like a moth attracted to the light in his eyes, or the warmth of the smile on his lips. As they grew closer, their joined hands rested next to their thighs.
-You were happy here?- she asked in the barest voice.
He then turned, smiling so warmly that it made her heart flutter. He looked down on her face, his eyes resting on her lips for a second, as if he were battling between kissing her or answering her question, until finally deciding to look into her eyes instead.
-I was.- His smile widened and his hand tightened around hers. -I still am.
His family was no longer in Honnleath, driven away by the threat of the Fifth Blight, but now she was here, and for Cullen, that was enough to make him feel even more blessed than he had in his childhood, completely happy simply because she was standing at his side.
-It's beautiful,- she said, walking away from him and near the edge of the pier while looking around, only to snort a second later. -How will you survive without a parade of messengers and war reports?- she added, turning to look at him again, the feeling of his hand holding hers still lingering on her skin.
-I should be able to last a day. Besides, I told Leliana to send word if...- He didn't get to finish.
-Cullen. You. Me. Alone.- She pointed behind her. -Pretty Lake.
He chuckled and rubbed the back of his neck, a slight blush crawling to his cheeks.
-Right. Of course.
Silence reigned for a moment, both taking in the beauty around them, though Cullen seemed more enthralled with her, again turned standing at the pier, trying to etch the memory of this place in her mind only because it had been his place when he was a child, one where he would come to look for solitude and respite. And yet, he had chosen to share it with her.
Then his eyes turned to the still waters, his mind conjuring old memories that he thought nearly lost between the years and the hardship he had lived afterwards.
-The last time I was here was the day I left for templar training.- He walked to her, and his voice growing closer made her turn in time to see how he was searching for something inside his pocket. When he found it, he opened his hand to show her a simple silver coin, Andraste's face surrounded by flames etched in its surface. -My brother gave me this.- He shrugged his shoulders. -It just happened to be in his pocket, but he said it was for luck.
He talked while contemplating the coin, as if its surface was reflecting that scene. Then he turned it in his hand, his voice soft lowered, almost as if he were afraid to scare the memory away.
-Templars are not supposed to carry such things.- He raised his eyes to her, though his brow slightly wrinkled in, even as his eyes were still warm. -Our faith should see us through.
-You broke the Order's rules?- she remarked as if she were truly scandalized. -I'm shocked,- she added with a smirk.
Cullen tried to hide his smile as best as he could while feigning offense.
-Until a year ago, I was very good at following them.- He chuckled very softly and raised an eyebrow in complicity. -Most of the time.
He then lowered his eyes to the coin, his arm outstretched and his hand open, showing it still laying in his gloved palm.
-This was the only thing I took from Ferelden that the templars didn't give me.
She smiled at that, thinking of a young Cullen, homesick in his bed in the Order, holding the coin tightly as if it could transport him closer to his beloved family, relying on it to feel at ease, to remember the ones who worried for him and loved him unconditionally. And with that, the image of herself came to mind, curled up in a bed in the Chantry whilst thinking of her own family and missing them terribly until tears poured from her eyes like rain on a stormy night, soaking her pillowcase as it took away her grief, but not her love.
With her eyes still on his coin, she didn't see his nervous smile, nor the way his eyes sparkled with something that transcended anything she might have seen in him until then.
-Humor me,- he said, offering his coin and placing it on her palm when she instinctively opened her hand to him.
He then closed her hand around it, covering it with both his own, one over her fist and the other below, his heart pounding in his chest fretfully, begging her to understand what he was trying to say with this simple act, trusting her with his most valuable possession, something that might not be a jewel, or a state, or a title, but for him meant so much more.
-We don't know what you'll face before the end.- He raised his eyes to her, his heart leaping when he saw the pure passion in her gaze. -This can't hurt.
She lowered her eyes to their joined hands, and swallowed around the lump of emotion currently closing her throat. She realized this was not just a simple lucky amulet, not like the ones people sell in stalls in the market, or fabricate out of boredom when they have too many coins to sort out and convince themselves that the one thousand and thirty two are slightly different from the one, and therefore should be considered lucky. This was what had kept Cullen going through thick and thin. Despite all the monstrosities he had faced, and all the convictions that had faltered after each episode, he had still kept this, even when his life had been anything but lucky. True, he had lived when others around him had died, surviving the most impossible tests, both to his faith in the Maker and to his sanity, and yet despite it all, he had still cherished this coin.
A voice inside her mind told her this was not just his way of keeping her safe, but also to show her he loved her. This was a way of telling her, "I love you," all without using a single word.
The mere idea seemed unbelievable, even as it sped up her heart, thinking of the implications of his silent declaration, and how desperately akin her own feelings were, how fervently she loved him back despite not being able to put it into words, either.
But then, in the short seconds that it took her to answer, she realized something else... Cullen believed that this had kept him alive all this time, or at least he believed it enough to not tempt fate and dispose of it... and in consequence, she believed in it, too, to the point where taking the gift frightened her, because it might mean leaving him vulnerable to the endless dangers they faced, making the possibility of losing him all the more real.
-I don't want your luck to run out,- she smiled, albeit insecurely, only to take out the harshness of rejecting his gift.
Cullen didn't seem to take it the wrong way, and instead closed the two short steps that separated them, growing so close to her that she could feel his breath on her lips.
-Nor do I. Not when I finally have some.- It sounded as if he was accepting to keep it, but then he tightened his grip on her hand, the coin resting inside the cocoon they had created.- But the thing is, you are my luck.
Again, he was telling her so much more than what his words conveyed, his eyes speaking the volumes his lips refused to voice, and she felt something inside draw her to him, begging her to share the tenderness he had ignited in her.
-Take it, please,- he whispered, closing his eyes until she answered, almost as if he feared she would reject him after he had stripped his soul so thoroughly.
She inhaled raggedly, his proximity making her knees go weak. When she raised her eyes, he was looking at her, anxiously waiting her answer.
-I'll keep it safe.
She could see how his chest lowered when he released the breath he had been holding.
-Good. I know it's foolish but...- he released her hand, leaving the coin safe inside her fist, and pulled her closer by the waist. -I'm glad.
The last word was barely audible, his lips already anticipating the kiss so much that it dampened his voice on its way out. A kiss that would still linger in her mind and on her lips hours after it happened, when she lay awake at night in her cot, still hearing the soldiers whispering quietly while keeping guard after their Commander retired to his own tent. Alone in the night, she tried her best not to speculate about any hidden meaning concerning Cullen's coin, fearful of getting her hopes up only to then realize she had misinterpreted him too strong to allow her otherwise. And yet, her mind and heart betrayed her each time she tried to fall asleep, remembering how Cullen had looked at her, how anxious he seemed for her to take the coin, as if it meant more than he had let on… Not that the meaning he had given it had been insufficient; it had certainly made her heart beat furiously in her chest. And how he had kissed her... Maker, that had tasted like so much more that, even now, in solitude, she couldn't control the butterflies in her stomach as she remembered it.
For what felt like hours, she traced the grooves of the coin with her fingers, feeling every bump and slope, as if she wanted to commit every imperfection to memory, just as she had learned to do the same with each of Cullen's features when she looked at him, each sensation as he kissed her, every feeling he awakened when he touched her, and every tingle on her skin when she would explore him.
Then something came to her mind, and she rose from her cot, rushing to light a candle and search almost frantically in her backpack until she found a long leather strip she always carried. Carefully, almost as if it were a treasure, she took the leather and used it to frame the coin, leaving both ends to hang above Andraste's head. Then she used candle wax to secure the edge of the leather around the coin, taking special care not to mark the metal, and finally tied a knot exactly where both ends met, hanging the coin around her neck afterwards, letting it fall low on her chest. When they were back at Skyhold, she would ask Harritt to fabricate a bezel or a prong to set the coin. She didn't want to trust the task to a jeweler that could spread the word of the Inquisitor wearing a coin around her neck, and therefore set in motion hundreds of different rumors about the interpretation behind it.
Their relationship was theirs, and nobody else's. For once, she was not willing to share something with the rest of Thedas. And that included the meaning of the coin, even if the real one still eluded her as well.
oOo
When they came back to Skyhold, though, the horn and the gate guards were not the only ones there to receive them. It wasn't unusual for Josephine to be standing in the courtyard, ready to bombard her with news and requests once she arrived, but for Sera, Iron Bull and Cassandra to be standing with her was another thing entirely.
At least they had the decency to stay back and remain uncharacteristically quiet when Cullen dismounted, walked toward her horse, and reached for her waist to help her off of her own horse. They all knew Evelyn Trevelyan didn't need the help, and if they added that to the fact that when her feet touched the floor, Cullen smiled sweetly to her before saying goodbye and walking to his Lieutenant for his own debrief of what happened during his absence, her companions' impassivity about their less than subtle display of affection was even more surprising. That is, until she found out what all of them were there for.
Apparently, the men she had sent to help Sera's friends in Verchiel had worked wonderfully, but since it had been a job outside the Red Jenny, now they needed to travel to collect the reward. At first, Evelyn thought of leaving it at that, comforted by the fact that she had helped the beaten "little people" as Sera called them, especially after the gravity of Cassandra and The Iron Bull's requests, but then Josephine had told her the amount gathered as thanks for the Inquisition was substantial enough to not ignore it, and that it would benefit all of them if rumors about the Inquisitor helping even more people for free didn't spread anymore. It was one thing to help the towns affected by the rifts, even dealing with another problem in the meantime, but it was another entirely to practically sign a commitment of being the "champion of the defenseless". They had enough problems at it was, and if necessity arose, they could pass the Inquisition's troupes' presence in Verchiel as nothing more than routine drills. But word always spread, and if one added the fact that they had helped for free while already intervening in a problem that shouldn't have counted on their assistance, they were bound to find hundreds of letters filling Josephine's desk in less than a week, claiming they had the same right to be protected as the "little people" in Verchiel.
The reality was that, even as Josephine's logic could sound coldhearted and merciless, it was entirely true: they couldn't help everyone in the world, and with the rift, they had enough on their hands to occupy the Inquisition for several months already. So, to Sera's delight, she assured her they would head to Crestwood as soon as possible to collect the reward for their help.
Cassandra's request, though more serious, was entirely unsurprising. The Seeker had already informed her about the disappearances of her fellow companions, and after Bann Loren and the Inquisition soldiers that had gone to investigate had also vanished even from Leliana's most keen spies and scouts' careful eyes, Cassandra had agreed to wait the mandatory time in the hopes that they would contact them eventually. After all, they didn't want to blow their cover if they had managed to get someone inside. But now all hopes of finding them safe had dissolved with the inevitable passage of time, and she was now unwilling to wait any longer. Evey naturally agreed with her completely, so she told Cassandra they would go to Caer Oswin, taking Sera with them to make sure to deal with her request on their way to the fortress.
The Iron Bull's problem was of more delicate in nature, and it inevitably lead to three hours of unending conversation, one sided conversation that is, with Josephine, where she advised both the qunari and herself of the advantages that an alliance with the Qun could bring to the Inquisition, while at the same time schooling her about how easily she could anger them just by being her adorable self, which amused The Iron Bull terribly, teasing her with advice that scandalized Josephine, who would then proceed to explain, once again, why she could never heed the qunari's suggestion if she wanted to avoid open war with the Qun... Like she would listen to Bull while he smirked in that way, but apparently, everyone but Josephine could tell when the qunari was teasing someone, which led to being trapped in the Ambassador's office for more hours than she would ever have liked, to the point where Evelyn would stomp on Bull's foot whenever he tried to tease the Antivan again. She had to give credit to Josephine though: she was doing her best to assure this alliance succeeded. As for Evelyn, she told Bull she was willing to listen, but that she wouldn't decide until she gathered more information and talked to their contacts. Rushing into an alliance with the Qun could bring more problems than advantages. Surprisingly, Bull agreed, and even confessed he was not entirely comfortable with the qunari coming to where they were and getting in the middle of the Inquisition. Evelyn was more worried about how many the Qun would try to indoctrinate while their alliance lasted. She didn't want her people facing yet another religious crisis. Leliana and Josephine's insistence with maintaining the "Herald of Andraste" facade had troubled enough minds already.
The thing that really bothered her, though, was the Qun's insistence on meeting alone with her, Bull, his Chargers, and perhaps some small backup, but no army. Bull's superiors insisted it was all to not tip off the smugglers they were trying to stop, but Evelyn was not so sure, and she feared Cullen wouldn't be either.
By the time Josephine allowed her to leave her office, and she dealt with the urgent matters that were waiting for her on her desk, took a bath and answered to Harritt's call to give her the new bezel for the coin, it was almost dinnertime. Precisely because of that, she escaped to the courtyard through the lower levels, confident that, as long as supper lasted, she would be able to visit Cullen without interruptions.
In fact, as she climbed the stairs to his office, she crossed paths with several soldiers and messengers who were rushing to secure a place in the common room, barely sparing time to salute her as they ran down. In consequence, it was no surprise that when she finally entered Cullen's office, she found him alone, reading over reports.
As was his custom, he raised his head when she opened the door.
-Am I interrupting you?
She didn't need to ask. She knew that, and even if she didn't, his smile and how he stood as soon as she saw her, would have let her know how delighted he was at her presence.
-Not at all! In fact, I wanted to talk to you.- He didn't give her time to say anything, closing the distance between them in four long strides and taking her hand as he led her to his desk. -Bull came earlier to speak to me. Please tell me you're not going to accept the Qun's demands.
-I'm afraid I am.- Her face, however, showed him how much she liked the idea.
-You can't!- He released her hand in favor of pacing. -I know you trust Bull, and I'm inclined to agree with you, but that should not, cannot, be extendible to the Qun.- He turned and saw she was looking at him sympathetically.
-Cullen, Josie is right: we can't let our prejudice blind us from...- He didn't let her finish, probably because not even she sounded convinced.
-It's not prejudice!- He walked toward her so quickly that for a second, she thought he was going to crash against her, but he stopped just in time, taking her by the forearms instead. -I've seen what they can do; I was there when they attacked Kirkwall. They waited for years to implement their revenge, and then they decapitated the viscount!- He looked at her almost with desperation. -They don't waste time going for the soldiers. They kill the leader, pluck the resistance from its roots!
He stopped for a second, as if gathering breath to keep going, so she rushed to raise her hands to his face, forcing him to look at her.
-They won't kill me. Without me, Corypheus wins, and not even the Qun think itself above his power. I'm not saying I trust them, but I have no other choice but to accept their request.- He opened his mouth to counter, but she didn't let him talk. -But I won't play by their rules, either. We'll send word to the Hessarians first thing in the morning before we leave Skyhold, and I'll take a small group of soldiers as backup just in case. I trust you to choose them.
Cullen shook his head in frustration before finally deciding to look toward the southern door. It was evident that he was not satisfied, even when the extra help she had procured made his breath lighten. Still, the images of the dead in Kirkwall haunted him, the countless bodies displayed in the streets, laying where the qunari had killed them, forgotten by their attackers as if they had been nothing but a momentary nuisance.
He closed his eyes tightly for a couple of seconds, trying to dispel the images in his mind. Before he could open them again, he felt her lips brushing his. He barely had time to answer to her peck before she talked again.
-I'll be fine, I promise.
He looked back at her, his concern there for her to see.
-Let me go with you.
She was shaking her head before he could finish the sentence.
-We can't risk their distrust. They specifically asked for me and the Chargers, and will only accept a few soldiers. They can't see you there.
His hand rose to his neck, rubbing it furiously, trying to calm his exasperation.
Once again, she whispered.
-I'll be fine. Besides...
Then she began to open the first buttons of her jacket, and Cullen's mind battled between his concern and the fact that, out of nowhere, she was apparently deciding to undress in front of him, in the middle of his office, where anyone could walk in at any minute.
Sweet Maker, she was undoing the second one now, the fabric opening the way to her creamy skin, and Cullen's hand automatically rested on her waist. Deep down, he wondered if this was some new strategy to make him compliant with whatever she wanted, to make him agree to anything whenever she felt like it just by cutting his brain's blood supply by showing him her body, tempting him.
Was that it?
She finished with her second button and went to undo the third.
Andraste preserve me I don't care anymore!
Then, almost at the same time he was raising one of his hands to her open collar, his body responding to the burning need to touch her skin, she tugged at a silver chain that Cullen had not noticed until then, which disappeared below the remaining closed buttons and pushed the pendant out.
Cullen sucked air through his teeth when she rested his coin in the hand that was now almost at the edge of her open collar
-...I have luck on my side.
It took him a couple of seconds to realize she had finished the sentence she had begun before opening her jacket, but when he did, he raised his eyes to hers, his hand still holding his coin in his fist, and he crashed his mouth against hers.
The kiss was filled with his worry, his passion and the dizzying intoxication of seeing her wearing his coin, the token of his affection that he had feared would end up in a drawer out of her fear of losing it. But instead of that, she had set it in a bezel and hung it from her neck, where it rested safely on her breastbone, her heart pounding close to it as certainly as her love for Cullen did. And that made the Commander lose all perception of the world around him, marveling at how it made him feel to see her wearing something of his. It didn't even matter that she wore it below her clothes. In fact, that made it even better, for she now carried him close to her, almost as if she was wary of sharing him with someone else.
By the time they pulled back, they were both breathing heavily, foreheads together, sharing the same breath as they tried to compensate their lungs for the exertion. Then, Cullen chuckled.
-I've not forgotten our discussion.
-I'm willing to, if you kiss me like that again.
Cullen didn't waste another second to oblige, even as he knew she was not going to forget a thing. But at least she wouldn't forget his lips either…
