Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight, but Carlisle Cullen owns me.
Forgiven
Carlisle Cullen's Point of View
I drove slowly home from the theater, partly because Bella was unnerved by excessive speeds, and partly because the highway was busy that night. There were a lot of young men and women taking advantage of their weekend, and I didn't want them ending up in my emergency room because they followed my poor example.
Besides, I was in no hurry. I had my girl next to me, her hand in mine, and Dvorak's symphonies running through my head. It was hard to top this.
Something had changed between Bella and me tonight. The tension between us that had been ever-present seemed to have drained away, and she smiled more than I was used to seeing.
That smile on her face right now . . . that was for me. I should have told her how I felt a long time ago—of course, there were a lot of things I should have done a long time ago. There was no question that I had created a lot of problems with my efforts to protect Bella from my secret, and I was still a little stunned by how quickly she had forgiven me.
And not only me, but Edward as well. I was uncomfortable with the idea of her being near him again, and I had tried to tell myself that it was only concern for her safety that motivated me. Of course I knew I was fibbing to myself, and Edward would know as well. Bella's quick forgiveness of a man she barely knew put me to shame. Edward had been my closest friend for nearly a century, but I couldn't find it in my heart to offer him absolution.
I met Bella's gaze, and she smiled at me. I raised her hand to my lips, kissing her fingers softly. "You're quiet," I pointed out. "What are you thinking?"
She bit her lip, still smiling, and glanced away self-consciously. "I'm thinking that Jasper might be surprised about the feelings that New World Symphony inspires in me from now on."
I laughed heartily. "In me as well," I agreed.
"What were you thinking about?"
I sighed softly, letting the melancholy back in. "I was thinking about Edward."
Her hand tightened around mine, but I wasn't sure she realized it. "Are you still mad at him?"
"I am."
She gave me a curious look. "Why are you better at resisting blood than the others?"
"It's hard to say. Esme thinks it may be a gift, like Alice's visions or Edward's telepathy."
"Do you think that?"
"I don't think it's unlikely," I admitted. "But my own theory is that it's a psychological aversion."
She fiddled absently with my fingers, waiting for me to go on.
"The first months after becoming a vampire are the worst," I explained to her. "The bloodlust is all-consuming." I stared out of the window, conjuring up some of my ugliest memories. "Those were dark days for me, Bella. I had lost my family, my friends, my God. I had become a demon. I wanted nothing more than to die, but no matter how I tried, I couldn't manage to kill myself. I was more miserable than I had ever been in my life."
Bella shuddered next to me, clinging to my hand.
I gave her an affectionate smile, pushing the memories back again. "After a few months I discovered a way to live comfortably enough without having to become a killer. But for me, thirst for human blood will forever be tied to those hellish days." I laughed softly. "Much the way New World Symphony will forever be tied to you."
A shy smile graced her lovely features. "I'll have to put that one on my mp3 player," she said, her cheeks coloring slightly.
I chuckled as I pulled the car up in front of her house.
"They're back," I heard Edward say from behind the house, followed by the rustling of a heavy step that I couldn't place.
"Edward is here," I told Bella softly. "And . . ." I cut the engine, opening the car door to hear better.
"It's Jacob," Edward's voice answered hesitantly.
"Ah," I smiled, nodding in understanding. I hadn't heard Jacob moving as a wolf yet. "And Jacob."
"How do you know?"
"I can her them, out back in the woods. We often talk with the wolves there. This has become sort of a neutral space for us."
"They're outside?" she asked. "That's crazy, it's freezing! Jacob knows where the key is, and I thought Edward did too—they could have gone in."
"The cold won't bother either of them," I assured her. "In fact, it's a bit easier for us to speak to one another in the open air. We . . . don't care much for the smell."
She blinked in surprise as I got out of the car and moved quickly around to help her out. "The wolves smell bad?" she asked.
I nodded. "To us, anyway. But Edward says we smell even worse to them. He says our scent actually burns their noses."
She giggled. "You smell pretty good to me."
"That's good to know," I laughed.
Bella headed toward the back of the house and I followed her closely as she strode heedlessly into danger. A brand new wolf and a vampire who craved her blood above all else . . . I shook my head in consternation. The girl couldn't seem to avoid danger.
"Not above all else, Carlisle," Edward said sadly as we rounded the house. He was standing at the tree line, his expression pained.
Bella didn't hesitate. She strode across the yard, pulling her had from mine when I tried to hold her back. She walked straight up to him and wrapped her arms around his waist, hugging him tightly.
"I thought you were dead," she said, her voice sounding husky.
Edward's eyes widened in surprise. "You did?"
She nodded, pulling back and swiping at her eyes with the sleeve of her father's coat. I took a handkerchief from my pocket and moved up behind her, pressing it into her hands and pulling her back a few steps from Edward.
"Why?" Edward asked, puzzled.
She made a sound that was somewhere between a laugh and a sob. "Because I saw these two huge wolves drag you away, and I ran away before anyone had a chance to explain what was happening."
"Finally! I was beginning to think you were completely lacking any sense of self-preservation."
"I must be, if I'm standing there talking to you," she teased, stepping closer to him and poking him lightly in the stomach.
Edward's expression turned sorrowful. "Bella, I'm so sorry. I feel awful. I can't believe I attacked you like that."
She sighed. "To be fair, you tried to warn me several times."
He nodded solemnly. "I did. But I like you, Bella, so much. I hate that I'm this guy, the guy you have to be afraid of."
Bella gave him a playful smile, looking up at him through her lashes. "Thanks for not killing me that first day in Biology. That would have been a really lousy way to be welcomed to town."
Edward laughed out loud. "You're very welcome. And I promise to continue not killing you."
"Such a gentleman."
I was in awe of her. My girl had nearly died at Edward's hand, but here she was, teasing him and making him feel better.
"Where's Jacob?"
Edward glanced back into the trees. "He's not allowed to get close to you," he said, shifting uncomfortably.
"What? That's ridiculous." Bella's eyes searched the dim woods. "Jacob?"
Edward sighed. "Sam ordered him to stay at least twenty feet back at all times. Fifty if there's nobody else here to look after you."
She gaped at him. "Sam ordered him? Who does he think he is?"
I quirked an eyebrow at Edward. "My thoughts exactly," I said. "Why is Sam Uley giving orders to Jacob Black?"
Jacob stepped out of the trees several yards away. He was in human form, wearing a pair of cut-offs, and he crossed his arms defensively over his chest as he spoke. "Because he's the Alpha," he said, shooting a warning look at Edward.
Bella's face lit up and she moved toward him, but he backed away.
"Bella, don't," he pleaded. "It's not safe for you to get too close."
"Jacob, come on," Bella said, looking hurt. "You're just going to let Sam tell you what to do?"
"It's not his choice, love" I told her, moving behind her and wrapping my arms around her waist. "The boys in the pack are physically unable to disobey a direct order from the Alpha."
She gaped at Jacob.
He shifted uncomfortably. "It's a good idea to be careful," he told her, his eyes begging her to understand. "I could have killed you and Old Quil."
"But you didn't. You've been my best friend for like a million years. I trust you."
"Bella, darling," I murmured, moving my lips close to her ear, "a newly-phased wolf is a slave to his instincts, much like a newly-turned vampire. It takes a little while to regain control."
Bella huffed, crossing her arms over mine. "Great now all my friends want to kill me?"
A wry smile crossed Jacob's face. "Can you blame us? You're a real pain in the ass."
Bella made a rather unladylike gesture, and Jacob snickered.
"You look hot, by the way," he said, flopping down in the grass. "If I'd have known you could clean up so nice, I'd have let you be my arm candy."
She snorted. "Please. From what I hear, you smell bad."
"So does your sick-ass pedophile boyfriend," he smirked.
"Maybe," she teased. "But he's prettier than you." She leaned toward him a little. "Speaking of which . . . did you cut your hair off?"
"Yep." He jumped to his feet and turned around slowly, his arms held out. "You like the new look?"
"I liked the old look," she pouted.
He shrugged and flopped down again. "This is just easier. Long hair translates to shaggy fur—you remember how I looked yesterday?"
Bella stared intently at him for a minute and nodded. "It's hard to make myself believe that was you."
"Believe it, sister. But crap is always getting caught in shaggy fur. That's why Sam, Jared, and I have all cut our hair."
Bella kicked off her shoes, absently rubbing one foot up and down her leg to massage it. "Can I . . . ?" she bit her lip. "I mean, can I see you? As a wolf?"
Jacob smiled brightly. "You want to? This doesn't freak you out?"
Bella glanced back at me, giving me an adorable smile. "I let a vampire lick my neck. There are scarier things in my life."
I laughed to myself and pressed a soft kiss behind her ear.
Jacob jumped up, his hands moving to the button of his shorts, and I cleared my throat sharply.
He paused. "What's the matter, Doc? Feeling threatened?"
"A little modesty, if you please?" I said, nodding toward the trees.
He snickered. "Bella, turn around so your boyfriend doesn't get his panties in a twist when I take my clothes off."
Bella turned quickly, resting her head against my chest. "Why are you taking your clothes off?"
"They don't really fit when I change," he laughed. He stripped off his shorts, then screwed up his face in concentration. In a burst of heat his body expanded, and he fell forward. By the time his hands hit the ground they were paws.
"Very impressive, Jacob," I said admiringly, looking over the enormous russet wolf. "I haven't seen that kind of control in someone so young before."
He panted happily and gave a quick bark to get Bella's attention. She peeked back at him and drew in a surprised breath. "Jacob, you're beautiful!"
He turned a couple of quick circles, showing off for her.
Bella's hands went to her mouth. "Oh, you're just so cute! You make me want to rub your tummy and throw sticks for you to fetch!"
Jacob's head whipped around and he growled low in his throat.
Bella giggled. "So do I have to walk you every day? And take you to obedience school?"
There was another burst of heat, and I turned Bella around quickly, pulling her against me again.
"Cute?" Jacob spat, climbing to his feet and tugging on his shorts. "I'm not cute. And I'm not fetching sticks."
I released Bella when he was dressed again, and she turned back to him, her eyes sparkling.
"Maybe you don't fetch, but you're definitely adorable."
"I'm intimidating," Jacob corrected her. "Menacing, even."
"You're fluffy!"
Jacob sulked. "I'm never speaking to you again."
"Well, while you're not speaking to me," Bella said, "get Sam to lift his stupid twenty foot rule. I want to hang out with you this weekend."
Jacob looked pained. "Just give me a little time, Bella. Let me get a better handle on myself, okay?"
She folded her arms across her chest unhappily, and a shiver shook her body.
"Bella, you're going to freeze out here without your shoes on," I frowned. "Why don't we go inside?"
She shook her head, setting her jaw stubbornly. "Not until you talk to Edward. You haven't said a word to him."
I looked at my son, who was standing silently to the side, his eyes downcast. I called up the memory of him launching himself at Bella, and he winced. "It can wait," I said softly.
"So can I." She suppressed another shiver. "I'll stay out here with you until you guys get things worked out."
I sighed, admitting defeat. My girl knew how to play her hand, that much was clear. "Go in and get warm," I told her, "and we'll talk."
Bella looked between the two of us indecisively.
"Don't worry, Bella," Jacob said. "I won't be far away. I'll keep them from killing each other."
She gave him a smile. "Thanks. Let me know if you need anything."
"I could go for a squeaky toy," he grinned. "Maybe a bone to gnaw on."
Bella giggled and turned to me, stretching up for a kiss before pulling her father's coat tighter around her and heading into the house.
"You two behave yourselves," Jacob said, striding off into the trees.
I turned to face Edward, clasping my hands behind my back. There were only a few feet between us, but we might as well have been separated by the Grand Canyon.
I called to mind his attack of Bella again, remembering it over and over, before pulling up the image of Bella's terrified eyes, and then her turning and running from me.
Edward doubled over in pain. "Stop," he gasped. "Please."
I let those memories slide away, but let him hear Bella with Mike Newton, kissing him, offering him her gratitude.
"I'm sorry," Edward choked. "I'm so sorry, Carlisle. I never wanted to hurt her."
Well, you did. I hit him with the image of her terrified face again.
"What can I do?" he pleaded. "How can I make this right?"
"I don't know. How would you have made it right if you had killed her? After you drained her and took away her life and mine, what would you have done to redeem yourself?"
He fell to his knees in agony, his hands gripping his hair. "I love you, Carlisle," he cried in a strangled voice. "All I wanted was to make things right with you, to make up for what I did. I know I was careless, but I was trying to bring the two of you together."
"As I recall, I asked you to leave it alone," I said coldly.
"I can't. I owe you this."
I frowned impatiently. "What are you talking about?"
He looked up at me, his face tortured. "You were alone for so long," he said, an aching sadness in his voice. "Then you found Esme, and you had a chance at happiness . . . and I took it from you." He shook his head, squeezing his eyes shut. "I don't deserve her, and I don't deserve your friendship." He looked up at me with haunted eyes. "You've given me the perfect life, Carlisle. The only thing I've ever lacked is the chance to redeem myself for what I did to you."
I stared down at him, my emotions churning inside of me. I wanted to hate him, but I desperately wanted to stop hating him. It disgusted me to look at him, but I ached to have my friend again. I needed him. And the more I watched him, breaking under his remorse, the more I realized how much he meant to me. It hurt me to see him in pain.
But the thought of life without Bella hurt me far more. I imagined what it would have been like had I failed to protect her that day, and Edward shuddered.
"How long are you going to torture me with that?" he asked, his voice and eyes begging for mercy.
"Exactly as long as I find myself tortured by it," I said icily. "She nearly died, Edward." I nearly lost her.
He gritted his teeth. "It's not the first time," he said, agony in his voice. "And she's not safe now. I could hurt her, and if not me, Charlie, or that bastard step-father of hers, or one of the wolves, or even another careless boy with his car. You can't protect her like this forever, Carlisle. Eventually you'll have to let her protect herself."
"It's not your decision," I snapped at him.
"It's not yours either." He glared at me, and I was forced to acknowledge that, even as I punished him, he was trying to secure my future with my girl.
With any other man, I could have hidden the love and gratitude that I was trying to hold back. I could have denied that I was holding onto a grudge when I wanted nothing more than to let it go. But it was impossible to hide from Edward, and his absolute familiarity with my mind weakened me.
"I'm sorry," he choked. "I don't mean to manipulate you like that. I would turn it off if I could."
I sighed wearily. "I wouldn't. I'm a better man for having known you, Edward."
He swallowed hard, staring at the ground. "I wish I could hear her," he said. "I wish I could know the mind so beautiful that it's worthy of you."
I gave a humorless laugh. "I wish I could too. She's a puzzle to me." I ran a hand through my hair, staring down at Edward. It was foolishness to think I could ever really live without him. He was my rock.
He was silent for a few minutes, letting the turmoil in my mind settle slowly into silence. When I was at peace again, he looked up at me and smiled widely.
"How was your date?"
I smiled and called up the memory of my confession to her tonight, watching the play of emotions on his face. He winced when I showed him her silence and her initial reaction, when I had believed she might not reciprocate my feelings. But then he smiled proudly as I showed him her eventual response.
"'Atta girl," he murmured. He focused his eyes on me. "I didn't realize you had decided to tell her how you felt."
"I hadn't. It was my intention to take a step back, actually. It turns out that's much easier said than done."
"Couldn't keep your hands to yourself?" he laughed.
I showed him the memories of the beginning of the concert, how tempting she had been, how my resolve to hold myself back had crumbled to dust at her eager touch.
"I'll take that as a no."
"The girl is absolutely irresistible," I said, shaking my head ruefully. I quickly showed him highlights from our time together that evening, and his jaw dropped.
"In the theater, Carlisle?" he said, shocked. "Good lord, you're as bad as Emmett and Rose."
"Emmett and Rose would have disrupted the performance," I said indignantly. "I have manners, Edward."
"That's true. So you had a good night?"
I nodded.
He grew serious. "Did you have a productive one?"
I raised an eyebrow.
"There are still things you need to discuss with her. Her father's stability, her plan for Christmas . . . her future." He leveled his gaze at me. "We need to have a family meeting."
I sighed heavily. "You're right." I glanced at the house, listening to the sounds of my girl getting ready for bed. I could hear the rustling of chiffon, and I smiled. God bless Alice and her fashion fetish. "Tomorrow," I murmured. "When she wakes up, I'll bring her home."
"I'll make sure everyone is there."
I held out my hand to him and he took it, pulling himself to his feet and grabbing me up in a tight embrace.
"You deserve her, Carlisle," he said. "Forever."
"Thank you, Edward."
He pulled back and nodded toward the house. "You should go finish what you started in the loge."
I closed my eyes, shaking my head. "I'm not ready for that, Edward."
"I think you are. Just . . . watch what you're doing with your hands. That's what gets you into trouble."
I nodded, grateful for the advice. "Not tonight."
He squeezed my shoulder before stepping back and moving into the trees. "I'll see you in the morning, old man."
"In the morning."
