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Rory walks up and down her apartment. Charlotte is asleep, the night is still and the world is dozing but Rory can't rest. She lay in bed for hours, staring at the ceiling, hearing the sounds of the New York streets outside. Nothing could get her to rest. She turned on the light, read for a while and then tried looking at the notes on her book but nothing worked. Giving up, Rory tiptoed out and made herself a cup of coffee, thinking as she sipped how ironic it was that Charlotte was finally sleeping and Rory couldn't sleep herself. The apartment is airless. Rory opens a window and a rush of hot air slips in, making the room all the more stifling. All Rory can think about is how she misses Jess. She wishes he was here, or she was there, and gets out her phone and starts a text. She half-types a message before putting the phone down, it's too late and Rory doesn't want to risk waking him. I miss you, she thinks, sending the love out, and hopes Jess feels it all the same.
The next day is Rory's appointment. It's another scorching morning and Charlotte fusses as Rory gets her into the bassinnet. Charlotte is really too big for it now, and Rory knows she should pick up the pram Lorelai has ready for her. But right now it's not an option, and Rory absently kisses the top of her daughter's head, wiping the sweat off her brow, and sets off. It takes them longer than usual, the air thick and muggy, and Rory stops to drink water five times along the way. When they finally get there Charlotte needs her diaper changed, and Rory is rushed when she eventually sits down.
"Hello," says the doctor warmly. "How's everything?"
"Hot," Rory says honestly. "And gross. I feel gross, I mean, but the weather doesn't help."
"It certainly doesn't," the doctor agrees. "My mother grew up without air conditioning and I don't know how she bore it."
"When I was a kid, we didn't have any," Rory tells her. "We used this giant fan."
"Where did you grow up?"
"In this little town called Stars Hollow. We had a house - we moved in when I was eleven - but my mom worked at an inn, and we used to live in a potting shed at the back of the property. My mom would open the windows as far as possible in summer, but because it was so hot it never made a difference. I thought it last night - I have aircon, but the room felt so sticky I opened the window and it was worse outside."
Rory laughs a little but then feels a little awkward and the doctor asks,
"Did you mind living in the potting shed?"
"No," Rory says sincerely. "Kids would make fun of me at times, and sometimes it was too hot or too cold, but I liked it. I liked sharing a bed with my mom and how cosy it all was, and how nice she made it. Mom would say it was our own little apartment. And even though the TV broke a lot and the water was usually cold, I didn't mind. Sometimes we'd sleep over at the inn, where Mom worked. If there was a room free Mia - the manager - would let us stay overnight and we'd watch TV in bed and take long showers and pretend we were in a movie. It was fun."
Rory smiles at the memory and then adds, "When we did move, I liked having my own room. I didn't think I would, but I liked the space. My grandmother visited me once, when I was sixteen, and I showed her the potting shed and she was so horrified. It's strange - it's such a special place for me but she just saw it as the worst home in the world."
"Do you understand why?" the doctor says and Rory nods.
"Of course I get it. Mom left her beautiful house to live there. I said to Mom how I wished we had a place like that, and she was so sad. She didn't say anything but I knew. And now -"
Rory falters and the doctor presses, "Now, what?"
"Now I think I get it more. Grandma asked me to stay with her, and I said I'd rather be in my apartment and she was sad. But it's my place. Only now I...I don't know."
"What don't you know?" the doctor asks gently and Rory bites her lip.
"I'm lonely there. It feels sad, when Jess isn't there."
"Do you want to stay in the apartment?"
"I don't know." Rory looks at her hands for a long beat, and eventually says, "I feel as if I'm being pulled in two."
"How so?"
"My mom never stayed with anyone," Rory says slowly. "She'd meet a guy, be with him for a month or so, and then break up. And then when she met Max - this guy who used be my teacher - she freaked out when things got serious. He sort of talked her down and they got engaged, but then she called it off right before the wedding. And my dad asked her to marry him, and she wouldn't, and I was so mad at her. I never said so, but I thought that it was her fault. That if she tried harder and didn't run, Dad would want to get it together. He'd marry her and we'd really be a family." Rory lets out a small laugh and says, "It sounds so stupid now."
"No."
"I know it doesn't work like that. Dad never got it together. When it finally seemed like he was ready, his girlfriend got pregnant and he chose her. I'm glad he didn't bail on the kid, but he still could have stayed with us and he didn't. I never forgave him. We made up, kind of, but I didn't hope in that way anymore."
"It must have been hard."
Rory nods, shrugs a little, and goes on, "Mom told me she ran from love too much and didn't want me to. And I never thought of breaking up with anyone. I felt like it would be letting her down. Or being too like her, I guess."
"That's a lot to carry around as a teenager. And now."
"Well, I broke up with Logan," Rory remarks. "And then I found out I was pregnant."
"Still, you didn't go back to him."
"He was getting married," Rory says but shakes her head when the doctor asks, "Did you want, all the same? Or continue seeing him like you were?"
"Part of me wanted to," she elaborates. "But I knew we were done. It was all done."
She goes silent, jumping when Charlotte lets out a burble. Rory checks on her, kissing her cheek, but is quiet again as she sits back down and the doctor leans forward.
"Can you tell me what's upsetting you?"
"I'm too much like Mom and not enough," Rory says, after a pause. "I'm enough like her that I let relationships screw things up. Or not letting it work - not talking - I don't know. But I don't like that I feel lonely in my apartment. My mom never minded being alone."
"Are you sure about that?"
"I knew she was okay."
"You were a child."
The doctor's tone isn't dismissive but Rory insists, "I know she was. She said she was sad, but I knew she was okay. I don't like that being there isn't enough for me."
"Why?"
"Because it makes me feel like I'm not strong," Rory says, her voice wobbling. "Not enough."
The doctor doesn't say anything and Rory swallows, feeling a dangerous burning in her throat.
"I want to move out," she says eventually. "I want to live with Jess. But I'm scared that if I do that, it's not going to work. That I'll mess it up. Or it shows I'm not enough."
"In what way?"
"Like I can't make it on my own. Everyone tells me not to think this way, but I can't help it."
"What would you do if it didn't work out?" the doctor asks, after a pause, and Rory wipes the tear that trickled down her cheek.
"I don't know. I guess I'd live with my mom, find a new apartment. I'd figure something out."
"Exactly. You would figure something out. And you figured something out when you found out you were pregnant."
"I don't know how good a job I did."
"You took care of yourself and Charlotte."
Rory smiles, looking over at her, but frowns and says, "I don't want my kid to look at me and think I couldn't do it."
"Rory, you said you love Jess. It's not going against your independence to live with someone you love. You've waited and now it sounds like you're ready to take that step."
"I'm scared it's going to fall apart," Rory confesses, feeling herself cry a little. "I'm scared I'll screw it up and he'll leave and it's not fair, I know it's not fair, but I can't stop thinking it."
"Rory, I can't answer for Jess," the doctor says gently. "But I think those fears are amplified by your anxiety and because you love him. You're afraid to let him down because you love him."
Rory nods, sniffling, and the doctor adds, "It is a scary thing. Taking a big step, especially with a baby. And not having many friends near you. It's okay to feel that."
"I don't know what to do."
"Talk to him," the doctor says. "And to your friends, and yourself."
"Myself?" Rory asks, laughing, and the doctor smiles.
"Be honest with your feelings. Write them down if you like."
"I've made pro and con lists my entire life," Rory admits sheepishly. "They always help."
"Well, there you go."
They smile across the desk and then the doctor says, "Our time's up."
"Oh - okay. Thanks."
Rory gets up and lifts Charlotte up. She squawks a little, reaching out, and Rory knows she's hungry.
"Talk to Jess," the doctor says again. "And be gentle with yourself, Rory. It's not wrong for things to be hard."
Rory thanks her again, takes Charlotte outsides and starts to feed her, her mind absent as her daughter eats.
When Rory gets back there's a missed call on her phone from Jess. She calls him back, Jess answering on the second ring, and says, "Hey, I was just thinking about you?"
"Oh yeah? Dirty?"
"Get your mind out of the gutter," Rory laughs. Usually she and Jess would banter back and forth but Rory is quiet and, noticing, Jess asks, "What's up?"
"Nothing. I just went to my appointment."
"Was it okay?"
"It was fine. I'm fine."
"Okay," Jess says after a pause. "How's my girl?"
"She misses you," Rory says, looking down at her. "And so does her mom."
"I miss you guys too. Can't wait til Friday."
"Hey, Jess," Rory says, "can we come to you this time?"
"Sure," Jess says, sounding pleasantly surprised. "Any particular reason?"
"Just feel like it. Is that okay?"
"It's great. I'll see you then."
On Friday Rory sets off as soon as she can. She feels a little nervous, in almost a teenage sort of way, and catches her mind mid-wander several times on the drive. Jess is waiting outside for them and is over before Rory has even finished getting out of the car, helping her out and unbuckling Charlotte from her carseat. Jess kisses her and kisses Rory and, indignant, Charlotte pulls his hair. Laughing, they head inside and upstairs, Charlotte burbling all the way.
"She's getting her word in before she can even talk," Jess chuckles and Rory smirks.
"I think you'll find she's telling you she needs a diaper change."
"Or that she misses her daddy," Jess says, but he catches the smell and wrinkles his nose. "Or that."
"Probably both," Rory consoles. Jess heads straight to the bathroom, emerging five minutes later with a pained expression. He hands a clean Charlotte to Rory and pours himself a glass of water.
"I need to invest in some of those nose plugs," he comments. "The ones for swimming - I bet they'd work for this too."
"You might be onto something," Rory says. She jiggles Charlotte who burrows into her front, and Rory sighs. "She's not done yet."
Sitting on the couch, Rory feeds Charlotte and then puts her down for a nap. Jess comes in, slipping an arm around Rory and they wait until Charlotte settles into sleep.
"She looks so small in that crib," Jess whispers and Rory nods, smiling.
"Guess we'd better enjoy it now. She'll be too big for it soon."
"Not that soon."
"It'll feel it," Rory says knowingly. They look at her a little longer, Jess squeezing Rory's hand, before turning and tiptoing ito the living room. Jess makes some coffee and, handing a cup to Rory, asks, "What did you want to talk about?"
"How'd you know I wanted to talk about something?"
"I could tell. You were all distant on the phone. What's up?"
"Jess," Rory says hesitantly, putting the cup down, "I think I want to move in."
She says it to her lap before daring to look up. Jess is staring and she adds, "With you, I mean. I want to move in with you."
"Are you serious?" Jess is starting to smile and Rory smiles too. "If you'll have me."
"No way," Jess laughs and then exclaims, "Yes way, I mean. I want you here."
"You'll have me?" Rory teases uncertainly and Jess grins, putting his own drink down and moving over to her. "You know it, Gilmore."
He kisses her, stroking the hair behind her ears and Rory kisses him back, pulling him toward her. She was going to talk to him properly, have a serious conversation, but kissing is good, too good, and she half-mumbles, "Jess..."
"What?"
"We should talk."
"Yeah," Jess says, moving closer. "But can it wait for now?"
"I guess," Rory says, brushing the thought away, and going back to kissing. Jess kisses her heavily and Rory feels him harden against her, and his hand slips under her shirt. Grinning, she moves her own under his and runs her hands over his warm skin. Jess moans into her mouth and moves to her bra, fiddling with the clasp.
"Here?" Rory giggles, sitting up a little. It almost feels like being eighteen again and going a little further on Luke's couch, and Jess smirks, shrugging. "Here's a pretty good spot."
Rory can't argue with that. She lifts her shirt up and over her head, as Jess removes her bra, and then pulls his own shirt off. They kiss again, Rory enjoying the warmth of his skin on hers, and then Jess starts kissing her chest and Rory lies against the cushions, dizzy. He kisses and kisses her and then reaches for the buckle on her jeans. Rory reaches to help undo it, get her jeans off, and his own, and then her mind is fuzzy again as Jess reaches into her underwear. He kisses her legs, her tummy, moving his fingers in her wetness and just as Rory can't bear it any longer Jess pulls the underpants down and kisses her there. Rory's breathing grows ragged and she holds the back of his head as he tastes her, and just as she cries out he shifts and pushes into her, resting his head on her neck. Jess moves as she comes, and then again, and Rory wraps her legs around his until he comes as well, panting. They lie for a moment, not talking, and then Jess looks at her and smiles. Rory smiles too, clutching his hand, still feeling a little out of breath.
"Wow," she says and then Jess starts laughing and Rory giggles too.
"What? What is it?"
"Nothing. It was incredible. I used to picture something like that when we were on the couch, all those times at Luke's."
"Me too," Rory admits, feeling a faint eighteen-year-old shyness. "But I never figured it'd happen."
"It wouldn't have," Jess says cheerfully. "Not like that, anyway. We were kids, practically."
"Even if we had done something like that, I wouldn't have relaxed. I'd be picturing Mom or Luke coming in."
"Oh yeah?" Jess teases, kissing her shoulder. "I seem to remember us kissing for a pretty long time."
"Ten-minute intervals, remember?"
"We could get a lot done in ten minutes," Jess chuckles. "And honestly, I don't think anything else would have lasted a lot longer."
"Probably for the best we didn't."
"I'll say."
They grin at each other and then Jess slides off Rory. They pick up their clothes and Jess asks,
"Hey, do you want a shower? I was going to ask that when you got here."
"You thought I stank?" Rory jokes, pretending to be offended.
"Just a long time in a car."
"I obviously couldn't smell that bad after that," Rory grins. "Though I think there's still spitup on my shirt."
"I'll throw it in the washing machine," Jess says. "Go on, the water's hot. It only freezes intermittantly now."
Rory grins and heads for the shower. She soaps herself all over, enjoying the thrum that's still between her legs, but still feels a little nervous, thinking about their talk. When she's done Rory wraps a terryrobe around herself and goes to check on Charlotte whom, to her great relief, is still sound asleep. Rory dresses in the clothes she brought with her and makes more coffee, the previous drinks having gone cold.
When Jess emerges, he sits next to Rory, wiping the water from his neck and sticking the towel on a radiator. "So we should talk," he says. He sounds serious but holds her hands and asks, "What made you decide?"
"I miss you," Rory says. She feels nervous but plunges on, "I really miss you, Jess. It feels wrong not living with you. There's no reason not to."
"But what about the other stuff you said?"
Rory takes a deep breath.
"It's still a thing," she says cautiously. "I'm still nervous. I was talking to the doctor about it and that I'm worried it'll make me feel like I'm going to mess up. Or I'm less independent or something."
"That's not -"
"I know," Rory says quickly. "But I still think it, kind of. I'm working on it."
"What changed your mind?"
"I love you," Rory says, feeling shy suddenly. "I miss you, and I want to be with you. And my apartment's okay, but I'm not with you there."
"I miss you too," Jess says quietly.
"Can we try?" Rory asks, looking up. "Even with all this?"
"We should," Jess says firmly. "I want to."
"I'm sorry," Rory says, looking away. "I know it's been hard."
"I love you," Jess says, finding her eyes. "We can figure out the rest."
"I love you too." Rory smiles into his eyes and meets his kiss. Rory tastes the peppermint of his toothpaste and then jumps as there's a loud cry. Getting up, she comes back with Charlotte who's howling, stretching her arms out.
"Oh, it's okay, baby," Rory says, kissing her cheek and Jess takes her, holding Charlotte close to him.
"We're all here, Charlotte," he says gently. "We're going to be fine."
