Chapter 18: Open Honesty
They moved through a strange new routine by the second day snowed in this little ruined forest house. Anders used magic to keep the snow from the doorway. Fenris found a shovel and cleared a path to the outhouse and the firewood. He grumbled skeptically at Anders when the mage suggested putting some old oiled burlap sacks over the holes in the room and them piling snow on the roof and backing it. But in the end, it made the little house warmer with fewer leaks. Anders called it stop gaps not solutions. He was a master at stop gaps. Fenris need only remember the fraying and falling apart clothing Anders wore the past six years to know.
Inside, they still left the desiccated corpse to its resting place, grateful it did not smell. Anders cooked and Fenris read the last of last journal, the one he had finished while on the ship. Fenris had stopped reading out loud except for words he had trouble with, like hyperthermia. He snorted derisively now and then. Anders shadow blocked the light over the last page and the mage let out a squeak. Fenris looked up.
"I forgot I wrote that! You were not supposed to read it!"
"Too late," the elf rumbled. He set the book down beside him and took the proffered dinner plate so Anders could sit with him. Fenris tried to be nonchalant about what he read, but it was all about him and recent. Most of that journal was recent. Bits from the time after Anders moved into Fenris' mansion and these last pages from their trip on the ship to Ferelden. "You ask several questions about me in the journal. It will not answer them and guessing is not always correct or thorough enough. Would you like me to answer them?"
Anders blushed a little this time. "Sure," he replied so that they would have something to talk about.
"I made a promise to Hawke a very long time ago before meeting you. A promise to watch the mages in our party very closely for signs of weakness that they are succumbing to demons. I had meant Bethany at the time as she was the only mage. Then it included Merrill. And then we met you. You needed watching more than the others. You struggled more than the others. I did not like you much back then. I was too wary and distrustful of mages. And you were already possessed. Later… Hawke and you were together and I tried not to interfere until your behavior changed and worried everyone. I failed you both when I let my anger and jealousy get in the way to watching as closely as I should have been. Otherwise, I would have noticed you in the Chantry. I would have seen you planning its demise. I know now that Elthina advised you to do it, but back then… And then when Hawke left, he bade me find you and keep my promise. Now I do so because… we are friends… because I… care what happens to you."
Anders dropped his eyes to the shared plate and poked absently at the food there. "Even though I am a possessed apostate? Even though… sometimes… I am more he than I am me?"
"Yes, perhaps especially. I see now that Hawke was right. You need me. I am not afraid of what you are. Not afraid of him and I can handle anything he throws at me. I was created to be able to deal possessed blood mages. I can keep you in check, or end you if I must. I prefer the latter and hope we can free you and him one day." Fenris reaches over and touches with just a finger one of the places where Anders had been scarred. "This should never have happened. I do not wish it to happen again. It has defined you. Not the words, but the act inflicted upon you. I understand why you chose to join with Justice. It makes sense."
"But I have twisted him into something… terrible"
"And I may be able to help untwist him. My brands remind him of the Fade, of who he is. And thus helps you to be who you are as he eases into dormancy and patience." This was the other thing Fenris had noticed about his brands with Justice. "Now that you have freed me from the pain of my brands, I can claim them as my own. My strength."
"Mine are just… hideous…" Anders pushed his food around without eating.
"I don't think so. I think you are amazing because of them. You survived things no one else could. I can only respect you more because of them." They nibbled in silence for a bit. "I am glad you liked the gifts I gave you."
Anders smiled a little. "I wish I could have brought it all with me. But a whole apothecary…"
"Maybe one day we will both be safe enough and you can have one again."
Anders' smile grew, "I'd like that."
"Anders?" Fenris asked once their plate was finally empty, "Do you mind that I touch you sometimes?"
"I don't mind."
"I do not mind that you … hold me sometimes… now that the brands do not hurt." It was as close to an invitation as he could get without sounding as crass as Isabela.
"Are you… sure?" Anders was starting to doubt this was the Fenris he knew.
"Phah! Nevermind. Forget I said it." Fenris stood, earns burning and took the dishes to the kitchen area to wash them in the basin of melted snow.
Yup, nevermind indeed. This was the Fenris he knew. Bristly, awkward, socially and sexually shy. Brazen at all the wrong moments and backing off when embarrassed. He'd been like this with Anders the last several days since the brands. Anders decided to try something different. "I would like to check the brands, make sure what I did is holding. Would you allow me to give you a full and proper massage?"
Fenris agreed. "Only if you allow me to return the favor."
"You… can massage?"
To use Danarius' phrase and claim it as his own, "I am very talented, did you not know?" He was rewarded by the most pleasantly shocked look on the mage's face. That shocked look soon squirmed with discomfort and almost shyness. "I have already seen your scars. You need not hide them from me." After a small pause he added, "You need not comply."
"No. I think I am too curious."
The corner of Fenris' mouth twitched up and he started to unclothe himself. He kept on his smalls and laid on the thick blankets by the fire. Anders had him on his back first. Using a bergamot scented massage oil, he rubbed his feet. He added a trickle of magic and watched how it moved through the brands as he massages upwards. "Any pain?" Fenris shook his head at Anders' question. Green eyes followed Anders' every move. Or they did till Anders reached his face and then asked him to roll over. "So far, what I had done seems to be holding. Good to know Danarius' magic doesn't have a life of its own to regrow the vile things his apprentices had left behind, or that he had put in place." He stopped and just smiles when Fenris hummed in contentment, muscles relaxing perhaps for the first time in so many years.
