Chapter 52

"What did you say your name was again?" Dean asked as they climbed back into the cab of the truck. They'd just stopped and grabbed some dinner. Dean was relieved for all the pit stops Bryan made. It was easy to forget to eat when he was strung out, and he appreciated the structured stops for meals, although he kept it small and cheap every time.

"Bryan," the man replied, tossing an old and empty coffee cup onto the floor and filling it's place in the cup holder with a new one.

Dean nodded. "Sorry, I don't have the greatest memory."

"Drugs'll do that," he said casually as he started the truck.

"I- what?" Dean turned to him, caught off guard and unsure of how to respond.

Bryan raised a skeptical eyebrow as he pulled out into the road, breaking his gaze from the windshield to glance at Dean momentarily. "...Drugs?"

Dean looked out the windshield with his mouth open, trying to formulate a response. "How... did you know?" he asked quietly, turning to Bryan again.

Bryan gave him a sympathetic look before shrugging lightly and returning his gaze to the road. "It's kind of obvious."

Dean frowned, looking down at his bag, which was on the floor between his ankles. "Oh."

"Sorry," Bryan offered.

Dean shrugged. "Don't be." He pulled his flask out of the inside pocket of his jacket, throwing his head back and draining it.

Bryan cleared his throat as Dean shoved the empty flask back into his bag. "So, uh... why are you, uh, traveling?"

"Change of scenery," Dean replied gruffly.

"You from California?"

Dean laughed dryly. "Nope. Kansas."

"Kansas? What brought you to California?"

Dean sighed, trying to figure out how to answer. "I went with a friend." He paused, then settled on, "Wasn't for me though."

Bryan nodded. "Are you going back to Kansas?"

Dean thought for a moment. "Maybe... just to see my brother."

Bryan nodded again and silence settled between them for a few hundred miles as Dean closed his eyes and enjoyed his buzz.


When Cas awoke the next morning, he eagerly checked his phone and was disappointed to still see nothing from Dean. He called him again and of course it again went to voicemail. He heaved a frustrated sigh and rose to his feet, shuffling out into the living room, which was a disaster. Rich and Brit were both still passed out on the couch, Brit using Rich's hip as a pillow.

Cas unlatched Cujo's kennel and let him outside to potty before bringing him back in and feeding him breakfast. The sound of kibble hitting the metal bowl woke Rich, who staggered into the kitchen, stretching his arms above his head and popping his back with a wince.

"Want some breakfast?" Cas asked.

"Sure," Rich replied, fumbling with the coffee machine.

As eggs cooked on the stove, Cas texted Dean again.

'I hope youre okay... please come back'


Dean was woken by the sun shining down in the windshield of the cab, blaring down on his face and boring through his eyelids. He groaned and sat up, rubbing his eyes. For a second, he forgot where he was, and he began to panic. Once he remembered, he relaxed a bit, until he remembered why he wasn't home in his own bed. For a moment he thought he should turn on his phone, check in with Cas, until he realized that would be a disaster. Maybe soon he could talk to him, but not yet.

He heard Bryan stirring in the pull-out cot behind him. He turned to see him propped up on one elbow, eyes squinting against the sun and hair an absolute mess. "Breakfast?" he mumbled.

Dean nodded. Bryan climbed over the seat and started up the truck, pulling out onto the main road. The trip to the nearest gas station didn't even take a minute, and soon they were inside grabbing coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Dean grabbed another pack of cigarettes, snorted a bit of dope in the bathroom to keep himself "normal", and they were back on the road.


"So... any word from Dean?" Rich asked carefully around a mouthful of eggs.

"No," Cas sighed, sitting down next to him at the kitchen island with his own plate of food.

Rich offered him a sympathetic look and swallowed his mouthful. "I'm sorry."

Cas just gave him a weak thank-you smile. They finished eating and Rich helped Cas clean up a bit before he had to head to work. They woke Brit up and Rich pushed her out the door into his truck to take her home. Before he left, he pulled Cas into a tight hug in the doorway.

"Shit'll work out, okay?" he said into his ear. "I promise."

Cas just nodded. He spent the rest of the day alternating between working with Cujo and napping with him on the couch. He ended up falling asleep around midnight waiting to hear from Dean, Cujo curled up behind his legs.


A little before midnight, Bryan pulled over onto a gravel pull-off and climbed into the back to get some sleep. Dean stretched back across the front seat and stared out the windshield at the stars. He wasn't sure what day it was, but he felt like he hadn't seen Cas in forever. Besides his first seventy-two hours in the psych ward, he hadn't gone a day without at least talking to Cas in... years. Since long before they actually got together. He wanted to text him, but he honestly was afraid of what Cas was going to say. He knew he was doing this so Cas could find someone who would actually treat him right, but he also knew Cas was going to be hurt and angry. He was probably going to hate him, and rightfully so.

Don't kid yourself.

He's probably relieved you're gone...

He sighed, sitting up and rummaging through his bag for his stash. He did a bump and laid back down, closing his eyes and drifting off into unconsciousness.


They arrived at Bryan's destination bright and early the morning of the twenty-sixth. As he backed up to the dock of the building to deliver whatever he'd been hauling, Dean figured it would be an appropriate time to get a move on.

"Thanks so much for letting me hitch a ride, man," Dean said, climbing down from the cab. "I really appreciate it."

Bryan nodded. "It was nice to have some company." He paused. "Good luck in your travels."

Dean smiled weakly. "Thanks."

He realized as he walked off that he had no idea what day it was. He'd been sleeping on and off in the truck since they left California. He figured he should probably turn his phone on and text Cas... As much as talking to Cas was going to break his fucking heart, he also didn't want the poor guy to think he was dead in a ditch somewhere.

He powered up his phone and saw it was the twenty-sixth. He'd already been away from Cas for three days. Immediately texts from Cas popped up on his phone in quick secession.

'Hey, I just got home. Where are you?'

'You okay?'

He felt a pang of guilt as he pictured Cas growing more and more worried the longer he was gone.

'Happy birthday!'

'Dean, I talked to brit. I dont know whats going on, but please just come home. Please.'

'I love you'

'I hope youre okay... please come back'

That last one was time-stamped from the day before. He hit reply but found his thumbs only hovering above the screen, unsure of what to say. Finally, 'hey cas. im alive.' He took a shaky breath and hit send.


Cas was outside with Cujo when he heard his phone go off. He had just woken up and was smoking a joint on the cement patio. He jumped up and flew inside, where his phone was on the coffee table, grabbing it and nearly dropping it. A smile spread across his face and his stomach back-flipped when he saw that it was Dean, relieved that he was okay.

'hey cas. im alive.'

A million thoughts flew through Cas' mind and his heart was hammering in his chest. 'Dean Ive been so worried. Where are you? Please tell me youre coming home soon'

Dean sighed. He stopped walking and looked around, noticing that he was passing a park. He sat down on a nearby bench, setting his bag down next to him and typing his response. 'i cant, cas'

The reply was almost instantaneous. 'Why not?'

'because i cant keep walking all over you. its not right. but you said you wouldnt leave'

Cas felt himself growing angry. None of this was making sense. 'Why would you WANT me to leave? Dont you want to be with me?'

'of course i do, cas. but you deserve better'

Now Cas was getting really angry. 'I think I can decide that for myself dean. Im a grown man.' He hit send before typing out another one and sending it as well. 'Come home'

'just give it time, cas. you will be so much better off. youll thank me one day'

Cas' eyes began welling up with tears and he wanted to throw his phone across the room again. 'Youre lying. This has something to do with me.'

'dont be ridiculous cas'

Cas' hands were shaking. 'Ridiculous? Who are you to talk about ridiculous? Youre the one who fucking left without a word'

Dean sighed in frustration. 'cas please... i just need you to trust me. i wouldnt be doing this if i didnt think it was the right thing to do. you know i love you more than anything.'

Now Cas was really crying. This couldn't be happening, right? But it was. His world was crashing down around him. He felt like a dick as he typed it and an asshole once he'd sent it, but he couldn't help himself. It was how he felt. '...except heroin, right?'

Dean felt like his heart was being stomped on. How could Cas think that? 'cas please you know its not like that. im doing this because one of us had to end this... for your sake'

Cas didn't realize how much he was crying until he couldn't see the screen of his phone anymore. He quickly dragged the palm of his hand across his face and started typing again. ''End this'? So thats it? After all of our years of friendship, its over just like that?' He hit send and began typing again. 'I think I deserve more than this dean.'

Dean bit his lip to hold back tears. He wasn't going to cry like a little bitch in public. Maybe he shouldn't have texted Cas here... But he already had, and there was no going back now.

'youre right. you deserve so much more. maybe one day you can see thats why i did what i did.'

He wanted to go back, he really did. He wanted to go back the second he'd left. But he was sure he was making the right decision, so he'd continued on, and the night with Katie proved to him that he was right. He was a selfish asshole and he would always be a selfish asshole.

Cas looked up from his phone and scoffed in disbelief. He knew he should have never said anything. He knew from the beginning that it would fuck Dean up and ruin their friendship. How could he have been so stupid?

'You know what? If you want to leave, fine. I cant stop you. Thanks for the memories'

He hit send before he meant to, and he instantly regretted it. Part of him knew Dean wasn't thinking clearly, and that he almost never was; his brain just wasn't wired right. But another part of him was just so angry at him for leaving this way; no calls or texts for days, and not even a goodbye? While he never felt like Dean owed him anything, he at least felt like he deserved more than this.

Dean stared down at his phone and couldn't help the few tears that finally broke free and ran down his cheeks. Dammit. While he couldn't blame Cas for being angry- at least it was a normal reaction, instead of his usual calm-no-matter-what-shit-Dean-had-just-pulled reactions- this was why he hadn't wanted to turn his phone on. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw feet walking by, and he lifted his arm to swipe the sleeve of his jacket across his face.

He sent one last text before turning his phone off again and beginning to walk. He lit a cigarette, keeping an eye out for a secluded place where he could shoot up.

'for what its worth, im sorry. for everything.'

Cas was instantly reminded of the last time Dean had said those very words to him- when he had first caught Dean using in the Impala over a year ago. This was it; they'd come full circle. Dean was gone now and it would only be a matter of time before he overdosed again. Cas had no idea where he was and there was nothing he could do to stop it. He wound back his arm to throw his phone again, before quickly realizing that was a bad idea and just gripping it so hard that he was surprised he didn't crack the screen. He slammed it down into the couch cushion and buried his head in his hands, choking out a labored breath and finally giving in to falling apart.