Thank you for your reviews... This chapter has been a very long time coming (50 odd chapters) I hope it doesn't disappoint.


He wishes he could lie back in Brendan's arm forever wishes it was that simple. But it's not. There is too much water under the bridge, too much hurt. A moment of weakness, of undeniable lust may have gotten him what he wanted but it's not solved anything, only made things more complicated.

Brendan still fancies him, can still do things to his body that no other man ever could, make him react like no one else but he's done without it, made do and it hasn't killed him. He had to take what he could get because it was worth it. He didn't regret it.

"I can hear the cogs turning from here." Brendan sighs into his neck. "It was what it was, doesn't mean anything." He's shifting underneath him. "You should get dressed."

There it is. He knew Brendan had just given in to him, his desires and done as he had begged him to do. Brendan hadn't wanted it but he had so he had given it to him. He's not sure if it was out of pity or for their past, maybe, possibly it had been one more for the road. Brendan giving him something to remember him by.

"I could return the favour." He states. The words come out a touch more bitter than he had meaning to.

He can feel Brendan's cock is still hard against the crack of his arse. It's only fair that he does something for him after he got him off. He won't mind, in fact it wouldn't even be a favour. It's something he wants to do. He'd get to see Brendan fall apart under his hand or his mouth, since it could be the last time it would have to be his mouth. He could have Brendan fuck his mouth. He could deep throat him and see if he still loses it when he looks up at him when his cock is in his throat. He defiantly wouldn't mind that.

"You don't need to." Brendan replies and he's not looking at him. Looking anywhere but him.

He takes a steadying breath and pushes himself up out of Brendan's warm embrace.

"I better get this ankle strapped back up." He manages to say around the lump in his throat. He pulls his t-shirt on quickly, leaves his towel and his hoodie on the stone. He can get them later. He needs to get away from him as quick as possible, anyway from the rejection.

He manages to make it to the top of the steps and into the main room.

He sees Laura with her earphones in at the table, he can hear the music from the door as she taps away on her laptop. She doesn't even look up, just keeps her eyes on the screen, lips moving silently.

He moves around the back of the sofa and into his room shutting the door behind him. He gets himself to the bed and drops to it.

Why is he such an idiot? Why can't he just accept that Brendan and him are over? They will never ever get back what they'd had.

He's not even sure what he wants but he'd at least like to know that he hadn't wasted so many years on a man who had never just had the bottle to tell him that he didn't want him. Flat out. 'I don't want you' it would be horrible to hear but Christ it would be better than the limbo he's been in for so long.

Brendan says one thing then acts the opposite.

He says he loves him would do anything for him and then he rejects him.

It's like Brendan's play one big fucking game with him. It's not a game though, it's his life Brendan's fucking with and it's not fair to do that to him. He doesn't deserve to be punished for loving him. It's not something anyone should be punished for, loving someone. But that's all it feels like, has felt like for a long time.

Brendan had said that he didn't want Dean's obsession with him. He didn't want Dean's type of love but that's exactly what Brendan wants. He wants someone who can put up with being picked up and dropped like a fucking yo-yo and be grateful for it.

He's not that type of person and yet Brendan's still playing with him like he's his own personal toy. Brendan doesn't even want him, just gave him what he wanted because it was easier than telling him straight.

For fuck's sake what had he been thinking? He'd been thinking with his dick again which seemed to be what Brendan reduced him to.

He loves Brendan, all of him, every messed up corner of his soul and yet when they're touching it's the lust that drives everything, love and lust, one deep and unyielding the other red hot and hungry, he knows the difference but they've always gone hand in hand when was Brendan involved.

He slams his fist into the mattress, he's a fucking idiot. He shouldn't let Brendan play him, he fucking knows the games, he's seen them before lived them before but… He thought that they were over them. He thought that Brendan was done playing him, only he's starting to realise that he's never going to be done.

He thought that Brendan at least owed him something more honest after everything that had happened to him. He realises that Brendan doesn't actually know what he did to him. He may have shouted it at him but he hadn't told him, hadn't outlined every last sordid detail of the destruction Brendan's decision to take Cheryl's place had caused.

He doesn't even know if Brendan would feel guilty about it. Maybe he wouldn't.

He changes out of his damp, sticky boxers, into another pair and a pair of jeans, a different t-shirt, pulling a button down over the top.

He pulls the tube bandage over his foot instead of strapping it properly. He hops back onto his crutches opens the door and it hits the door stop hard. Laura looks up and across at him, she flicks an earphone out but doesn't say anything. She looks a little concerned but he sets his jaw and she turns back to her screen putting the earphone back in. He's not sure what she can see from him but she's made the right decision not to talk to him.

He hops purposefully across the floor and around to the conservatory. Brendan is still outside, he's turned away from the door with his hands in his hair, head tilted to the sky. He takes his time to shut the door. Laura may have her music on full blast but she doesn't need to hear this, she was there for most of it.

Brendan is looking at him when he turns back from closing the door.

"I think there are some things you should know." He states firmly. "Have a seat."

"Steven…" Brendan starts and walks half a step forward before he stops, looks at him then sits down.

He makes his way to the seat opposite, puts his crutches down carefully then straightens up and looks across at the view for a second before turning his attention back to Brendan who is shifting in his seat. He looks down at the bubbling water.

"The coppers let me fall to the floor, just stood over me as I shouted for you. I couldn't breathe I was crying so hard, took ages to pick myself up and by then you'd already gone… Cheryl saw me in the village and I was breaking apart, never felt anything hurt and keep hurting that much, couldn't even think anything beyond that you were gone. She said she would go to the police but I said she had to do what you said, she had to have her life but I told her to leave the village, go with Nate. I hugged her and sent her into Nate's arms. At the time I was so upset that it just seemed like the right thing but looking back I know it was because I wouldn't have been able to stand seeing her, see her live her life. She her get what she wanted and all the while I didn't have you. You made so many promises to me Bren. You promised me a life together, a future and it was all gone, everything. Amy brought the kids down for the weekend and they took the edge off for a couple of days, couldn't let them see me in pieces but then Amy took them away again…" He takes a glance across and Brendan is bent forward, elbows on his knees, palms together like he's praying, fingertips nearly touching his mouth, eyes closed.

"I tried so hard to pretend everything was alright to everyone but inside I was dying. The pain just kept going, it didn't let up not even for a second. I couldn't bare working in the deli, working with Doug, him trying to be so kind and understanding but throwing it in my face every five seconds that I knew you. That I knew what you were like so why was I surprised? I could have stabbed him in the face most days." He bites out viciously. "It was the fucking pity. I couldn't fucking stand it. Like he had some divine right to tell me how I was feeling when he didn't have a fucking clue." He paused. "He didn't understand us. Didn't understand what you meant to me. What losing you meant. He couldn't understand and I didn't want to listen to it anymore. All that how it will get better with time all that shit… I sold my half, stuck the money in the bank, didn't know what I was going to do but it was better than being stuck in there listening to that." He licks his drying lips.

"The pain didn't go away and I was stuck in the flat alone, couldn't bare being there with no one there. I needed something to take the edge off. I couldn't keep trying to deal with it because it was drowning me so I went out and found a dealer, bloke I used to know way back and I started taking anything I could get my hands on, then I started dealing. I used to go to the clubs, get drunk, take a few lines, sell a few lines and find someone to fuck me." He hears Brendan inhale sharply but he doesn't turn to look. "Anyone as long as for a few minutes I felt wanted, felt something other than pain but it never really worked and I'd have to get more strung out to deal with the fact it made me feel like some, no worse than a whore because I wasn't even getting paid. I would just let them use me like I was using them… Then the guilt would kick in, there I was off my face with some random bloke, can't even remember half their faces, getting fucked and all the while you were locked up. You were in there because of me."

"It wasn't your fault…" Brendan states firmly.

"Let me…" He needs to do this. "You killed Danny because of me, to keep him away from me, stop him hurting me, killed Walker for much the same thing. I may not have killed them but I'm part of the reason they're dead. So I took more drugs and I was so strung out all the time that my dealer stopped supplying me and then all I had was the money from the deli and I don't know why I didn't just fucking use it to keep myself going, keep buying but I couldn't. Stupid really that money was drugs money it should have gone straight back into drugs but I couldn't so I was drinking instead, really following in Pauline's footsteps. I got arrested for being drunk and disorderly, sat in a cell all night and realised that I didn't want that, didn't want that for me and didn't want that for Leah or Lucas so I forced myself too stop, stop drinking, stop doing drugs, stop screwing my life up because I didn't want that and I knew you wouldn't want me doing that either but it was hard, so fucking hard and it hurt so much… Amy would only let me see the kids if I had counselling and I needed to see them… That's when I went to Laura and started working through things, fucking slowly, it was like baby steps and I kept falling on my arse but I had to sort myself out." He blows his cheeks out.

"Tony needed someone to invest in Ill Nosh and I had all your money in the bank so I bought in. Started cooking again. Turned my life back around, got to see the kids. It still hurt, I was still alone and you wouldn't let me see you or answer any of my letters and I just wanted to see you, just see you again but the longer it went on the more I knew that you weren't going to let me. I still hoped you would. Still kept asking, still kept putting the visitor requests in but I didn't hear anything and I couldn't ring Cheryl and I didn't even know if you were alright. Just clung to hope that you were. It was the hope that you'd come back one day that was killing me because I didn't know how long it would be or if you even would get out. If you would come for me. I just wanted you to come for me but the longer it went on the more damage hope did to me… Jamie…" He takes a deep breath.

"Jamie I'd known for a while, he asked me out and… I was so fucking lonely and I didn't know what would happen, I was so scared. So guilty for betraying you for even thinking about going out with someone that I liked. That's when I wrote that letter, that one you took. I wrote that and went out and found the biggest twats I could because I didn't want anyone I could possibly like, I couldn't bare the idea that I could even think about caring about someone, just caring nothing more than that. And Jamie backed right off then when I was sick of using people and being used, when I dared to think about having someone in my life again properly, not just fucking about, someone I actually liked I thought about what would happen if you came back and saw us together, I thought about it so hard but I couldn't be alone and the chances of you coming back… I didn't even know if you would come back so I took the risk because I knew that I would never love anyone more than I love you, that no one would even come close so I knew that no one could even come close to hurting me the way you did, do. Jamie would never be able to break my heart because it belonged to you which is why you can break it and keep breaking it… We broke up just before Ireland because he realised I couldn't love him as much as he loved me because I was still so wrapped up in you, I was with him five years and when he ended it, it didn't hurt. I barely even noticed except for coming home to an empty flat. I was so busy with work that I barely even noticed…" He shook his head.

"I went to Ireland thinking about forgiving Cheryl but when I got there I saw you with Dean and it ripped everything apart all over again because what fucking terrified me the most was that you wouldn't come for me and I saw you there with Dean and it broke my heart all over again. That you didn't come for me and you chose someone else…" He takes a really deep breath to tries to calm himself down. Dredging it all up, confessing his sins, it's taken it out of him but he had started and it had just come out like poison from a wound. He feels better than he has for a long time, better than he has in years being about to say all this and explain it to the person who needed to know.

He realises he's not done, he may as well keep going, may as well get it all out in the open because then he knows he's said what he needed to.

"You see Brendan it has always been and I learnt that it will always be you that I love. I accept that. I can't change it and I don't even want to but I can't fucking have you playing this game with me. You can't treat me like I'm some toy that you can pick up and put down whenever it suits because I can't live like that… I can live without you. I have Leah, Lucas, good friends and successful businesses but I can't live like this alright? I need to know where I stand so I can sort this out for myself one way or the other… You either love me or you don't... You either want me or you don't but I need to know because I can't do this, I can't be around you and not know. Don't lie because you think it'll spare my feelings, don't say you want me because you fancy a bit of a fuck around, just please put me out of my misery. You can't do any more damage by rejecting me because I know I'm not good enough for you but please alright, please…"

He wipes at his eyes to rid himself of a few tears that have fallen and holds his breath because he's just spilled his guts all over the ground and is waiting to find out just what the outcome will be. He's done it before and Brendan had ignored his plea's, cut him out of his life and he can do it again but he's been through it before and he knows now that he will survive, can survive it.

He can't look at Brendan for fear that he will see his answer before he says it, he needs to hear it.

"I…" Brendan starts. "It's not that simple."

"You either want me or you don't." He replies and the tears are welling up because he knows what's coming.

"Of course I fucking want you…" Brendan spits and his breath catches in his throat because he doesn't sound like he does. He sounds like it's against his will. "But I can't…"

He nods and lets the tears fall because this is it, this is when Brendan finally slams the coffin lid shut, wishes he wouldn't take so long about it.

"I get it." His voice is ruined but he doesn't care, he's not going to pretend it doesn't hurt. He blows out a breath and reaches down for his crutches. "At least I know now."

"Do you ever fucking…" Brendan's hand pull the crutches out of reach and he drops down in front of him hands on his neck tipping his head up. "Look at me." He doesn't want to but just like always he ends up doing it. "I want you, I fucking love you Steven Hay but…" He shakes his head there's always a but… Brendan holds him firm. "I can't alright. I can't be with you. It's too dangerous. I'm too dangerous. I couldn't bare anything happening to you because of me… Look at where you are, this is my fault. You are up here in hiding because of me, Dean nearly killed you because of me, my mistakes and my life and I can't fucking do it alright. I want you alive and safe and that means that I can't…"

"You don't want to…" He tries to break the hold but he can't his hands end up on Brendan's. "You don't need to make excuses."

Brendan closes his eyes, bites his lip and shakes his head.

"You… Steven I can't lose you, not now, not ever. It would kill me."

"And this isn't killing me?"

"You'll survive, you'll always survive because you're stronger than me, you've always been stronger which is why I knew you'd find a way to live without me. I couldn't find a way to live without you… That's why I let the solicitor twist everything instead of just taking what I deserved… I sat in that cell and I dreamed of you every night, thought of you to try and find some kind of comfort but I couldn't see you in there, I couldn't do that to you I needed you to be out here living, I needed you to breath for me." Brendan rests his forehead against his then pulls back a little. "And Dean was a distraction, someone I thought that I could help, someone that I could redeem myself with, prove to myself that I could fix someone that needed it. And he reminded me of you a bit, not much but enough, enough... I knew you'd find someone else because look at you, fucking most beautiful thing I've ever seen, ever been allowed to touch… Jamie was right I don't deserve you, never have and even though I knew you were with him I had to be around, see you even if you couldn't see me, that's why I live in Chester because I'm close to you. I needed to make sure you were ok, happy… You're fucking thriving, you're everything I knew you would be… I can't take that away because I know I will, this life my life, it'll ruin you and I won't let it."

"So I don't get a say?"

"Steven…"

"No. You can't… I won't let you do this… This is my life and I get to decide and you don't get to fucking make excuses, you want me and I want you, I love you and you love me so we can make this work."

Brendan's shaking his head and he puts his hands on his jaw, thumbs on his cheeks and holds his head because he is not allowed to do this. Not now.

"So you don't want to even fucking try? After everything… No. No Brendan…" He can't catch his breath. "We can do anything right, anything we want."

"I can't lose you."

"You won't right." He's not going anywhere.

"You can't promise me that."

"And you can't promise that staying away will stop something happening to me." He got to find some way of getting through to him because everything he wants, everything he's wanted for years is there on the table if only he can get Brendan to see that being safe isn't the be all and end all. "Dean nearly killed me, if things went differently then I might not even be here. And that wasn't your fault that was Dean's so maybe you aren't close enough to protect me, maybe staying away isn't going to make a difference. Maybe being with you is worth the risk because then at least I'll be happy, because I will, we'll work all this out. Please Brendan please don't push me away for this because I can't live with it. I can't live knowing that you want me but won't let yourself because otherwise you just don't want me at all."

"You're a stubborn little fucker." Brendan states with a bit of a laugh that sounds torn from his chest.

"You want me or you don't, right here, right now. Chose." He needs a straight answer. One way or the other.

"It's not a choice." Brendan pushes forward and kisses him, he opens his mouth and Brendan deepens it wrapping his arms around him just as he does the same.


And they live happily ever after with no more drama's at all... Except that I'm not that kind of writer and there are plenty more drama's to come and still so much to sort out.