Village Fic: Do you know Tri-Edge?

Haseo was starting to lose his patience with this place. No, scratch that; he had lost his patience when some flying pink marshmallow had given him a first-hand tour of its digestive system. The people here were, at best, freaks, and, to top things off, NONE of them seemed to know a thing about Tri-Edge. Still, though, he hadn't talked to all of them...maybe some of the others knew something? Hell, it wasn't like he had anything else to do after that weird woman dragged him here. Mentally ticking off the places he hadn't been yet, he started to make his way to the lake; hopefully, he'd learn something before he lost his sanity.

As he walked up to the lake's edge, he could see an older woman in...was that tinfoil she was wearing? Some sort of reflective clothing, anyway. Her blonde hair was slicked back and her arms were outstretched. Before he could call out to her, she shouted, "Is that you, The Sorrow? Are you watching over me even now?" Almost as if responding to her call, the sky let loose a small shower of rain, even though the night sky had been cloudless before. Haseo wondered if she could control weather...or if she was another loon.

"Hey, lady! Do you know about Tri-" Haseo was cut off as the woman suddenly turned, her eyes ablaze with fury. Before he could finish his words, the woman had A. knocked him down, B. trapped his body in some weird fighting maneuver, and C. put a pistol to his throat. Understandably, Haseo was just a wee bit worried; this lady was obviously more screwed up than he was. "H-hey, now, let's not get too-"

"Shut up! Who are you working for? The Philosophers? Haven't I done enough for them already?" The Boss said, venom lacing her voice, "I gave them my life once. I don't intend to give a repeat performance." Before Haseo could even ask her what the hell she was talking about, a swift punch to the face sent him to nighty-night land.

---

Haseo woke with a start; he was now in one of the side streets, with no memory at all of how he got there. Did someone save him from that crazy broad? Did she drag him here to die? Pushing these questions out of his mind, he got up and dusted himself off. In front of him was a some sort of market, run by...what the hell were Rabbids? Shaking his head, he walked in; maybe someone in here could give him the answers he seeked, or at least some Advil for his aching head.

Roughly 34 seconds later, Haseo regretted his decision wholeheartedly. In that short span of time, he had been hit with 24.5 plungers, was attacked by no less than thirteen screaming rabbit...things, and was most likely going deaf from the repeated screams of "DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!" Yanking one of the many plungers off of his armor, he made a mental note to never ever ever look at rabbits in the same light again. However, he wasn't the only one who had barely escaped with his dignity. Sitting on the ground in front of him was a shirtless child with a massive red scarf tied around his neck, doing his best to remove a plunger from his face. In most circumstances, Haseo would've found the whole situation to be fairly hilarious; as it was, though, he was expecting the kid to start shooting flaming mudballs out of his armpits or crush people just by looking at them or spit fiery demons from his mouth.

Unfortunately for Haseo, he was somewhat right. The child's hands were now aflame, trying to rip the pesky plunger off of his face. The boy screamed something that sounded something like "Mam ham deh maghtay ovurlurd rahal!" as he continued to try to pull the plunger from his face. When this proved to be similarly ineffective, the child lost his temper and pulled out a sword that was at least as tall as he was, trying to slice through the thick rubber. After a few moments, he freed himself from his rubbery prison. Without warning, the child screamed, "Behold the power of a mighty Overlord! Not even the strongest bathroom appliance can silence my voice forever! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!"

He kept on laughing for five long minutes.

In time, the boy seemed to realize that he wasn't alone; turning to face Haseo, he continued in his haughty voice, "So, you were witness to my great power, eh? You must be shaking in your boots to see the awe-inspiring strength of the great Overlord Laharl!"

Haseo was certainly shaking, alright; shaking in laughter. This kid was pathetic! He couldn't even get a plunger off of his face! Trying to suppress another chuckle, Haseo replied, "Yeah, sure. snrk!" Remembering why he had left the safety of his room, Haseo continued, "Hey, kid. Do you happen to know a guy named Tri-Edge? Kinda covers himself in blue flame, looks like he wears clothes made from a quilt?"

Haseo's question, just as before, seemed to elicit a violent response from the kid. "Kid? KID?! Do you have any idea who you're talking to, mortal? I am the great Laharl, Overlord of the Underworld! Many have tried to match their power with mine, only to be destroyed in but a flick of my wrist! And you would dare call me child?!" Laharl, or whatever his name was, was acting as if he had just broken his favorite toy or something.

"Hey, calm down, kid. I'm not looking for any trouble. All I want is some information, and then you can go back to doing...whatever the hell you were doing."

Laharl's eyes glowed a violent yellow; Haseo could tell that the kid wasn't one for playing nice. "Alright, mortal, I'll give you one last chance to apologize...on your knees! Bow to the great Laharl, and pledge your eternal allegiance to the greatest Overlord there is...or face the consequences!" Laharl brandished his sword again and let loose another of his long laughs, as if to drive his point home.

Haseo groaned; the kid wasn't going to be any help at all. He seriously doubted he would know anything about Tri-Edge; hell, he'd be surprised if the kid knew anything about anyone that wasn't himself! Sighing, he turned to leave...only to be lifted into the air. Looking down, he saw the kid holding him effortlessly, his sword planted into the ground. Haseo blinked; this night was just getting weirder and weirder by the second. "H-hey, kid, put me down and we can talk about this. There's no need to...what the hell are you doing, anyway?"

Laharl smiled in a way that gave Haseo chills; grinning wildly, the child Overlord said, "Why, I'm just going to give you a little lift. You don't mind-" Laharl reared back, almost as if he was preparing to-no, that would be insane, there's no way he could "DO YOU!?" Before Haseo could scream "WTF", he found himself flying over the main street of the small village they had been confined to, passing over houses until he found himself approaching the fence separating the village from the seemingly endless plains. Preparing for a violent and painful crash, Haseo instead found himself rolling once he hit the ground. Before you could say "Deus ex Machina", Haseo found himself in front of a mysterious, cloth-covered portion of the fence. Struggling to get up, he was greeted by some weird guy dressed in a bulging coat-oh God he's a flasher isn't he.

Haseo was frantic; he had been attacked by old women, small children, and the most screwed up rabbits this side of Chuck Jones. The last thing he needed right now was seeing some naked old guy. Before he could run, the stranger said, "Welcome! Got a lot of good things on sale!" and dragged him through the hole to some cave. The only illumination was a blue flame set upon a large candlestick. Letting go of Haseo, the strange man known only as the Merchant grabbed the side of his coat and pulled it open.

The Terror of Death let out a sigh of relief; thankfully, this strange, strange man had clothes underneath his coat. Then he noticed the weapons. An almost impossible amount of weapons of all shapes, sizes, and styles were hooked into the coat pockets, forming the strangest and most mis-matched armory he had ever seen. Without waiting for Haseo to say somehthing, the Merchant asked, "What're ye buyin'?"

Haseo blinked; was this guy for real? "Uh...nothing?"

The Merchant grunted, shifting his weight. Before Haseo could turn around and flee, he asked, "What're ye sellin'?" Apparently, Haseo was supposed to say something, because the Merchant continued, "Ahhh, I'll buy it at a high price!"

Just then, an idea struck Haseo; this guy was probably well-traveled, so maybe, just maybe he knew something about Tri-Edge. Looking at the Merchant with determination, he asked, "Do you know Tri-Edge?"

Apparently, the Merchant thought it was a weapon, as his response was simply "Ahh, I'll buy it at a high price!"

Haseo groaned, "No, it's not weapon, it's a PK!" After seeing the Merchant's blank look, he continued, "A Player Killer. You know, like a murderer? Have you ever heard of him?"

The Merchant appeared to be deep in thought, closing his eyes. Haseo gulped with anticipation; maybe this guy did know something about Tri-Edge after all! Maybe he could help him save Shino and stop it from ever happening ag-

"Got a lot of good things on sale, Strangah!"

The last thing Haseo remembered was running out of the room, screaming in rage, frustration, and maybe just a little bit of insanity.

---

Haseo was exhausted; the people here were insane! None of them made sense! This place didn't make sense! What the hell was he doing here?! Sighing in frustration, he rubbed his temples; the sooner he got out of this place and away from all the loonies here, the better. Resolving to return to his room, he bypassed some strange little blue toad that kept asking him if he "lieked mudkips". If only he had someone here who could just...just...

Haseo had no other choice but to admit it. "I need some help..." He muttered, ashamed at himself.

Before he could wallow in some more self-pity, a well-dressed man with a giant red pompadour jumped out from behind a nearby tree. Grasping his microphone like he depended on it with his life, Agent J shouted, "Did I just hear that you needed help?"

Haseo was, at this point, nonplussed by Agent J's somewhat odd appearance; compared to the whackos here, he looked completely normal. Sighing, he muttered, "Well, I can't find any information about Tri-Edge..."

Agent J seemed to ignore Haseo's current pathetic state, shouting with unbridled energy and pep, "Well, why don't I just help you along...through song and dance!" The agent posed, as if expecting music to somehow start playing. Once the agent realized that nothing was happening, he blinked; this had never happened before! What was with this place?!

Haseo's patience was really starting to run thin. After all he had been put through, all he wanted to do at this point was to just sleep. "Well, if you don't have any information about him, get out of my way..."

The Elite Beat Agent regained his composure (and his freakishly shiny teeth), shouting, "Well, that's no problem, because I do have information!" Continuing without caring about Haseo's stunned look, he shouted, "Why, some guy with this weird three-edged thing was skulking around that back alley! You can't miss him!"

Haseo was shocked; he finally had a lead in this damn place! Running past the agent without even bothering to thank him, he grabbed his scythe from his inventory and leaped into the specified alley, his weapon drawn. Seeing the shadowed figure, he shouted, "I've finally got you, Tri-Edge!"

What Haseo failed to realize was that Pyramid Head wasn't in a good mood. Though, come to think of it, Pyramid Head was never in a good mood. Fortunately for Haseo, he learned that lesson real quickly as he fled from the alley, running from the otherworldly screeches of the demon. As he fled back to his room, he swore that he'd find that Lucretia woman and beat the stuffing out of her for some nice, deserved payback. Assuming his mind wouldn't snap before then, of course.

By Twilight the Fox