Take Me Home
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Youko watched as Sesshoumaru escorted the two children from the room to find food and a place to rest. Shippo had determinedly held out for as long as he could before the rumbling of his stomach had annoyed the inu youkai until he demanded that the kit follow him. Hungry and tired, Shippo agreed only when Rin admitted that she was hungry and tired too. The young girl wrapped the kitsune around her little fingers and pleaded for his company. Youko smirked when Shippo colored slightly and agreed. As the dog demon's tail cleared the doorway and the door was slid shut, Youko turned back to the bed.
Youko snared his chance to cuddle closely to Kagome. To his understanding, it was permissible as long as she didn't tell him "no." The fact that she was asleep did not deter him at the least and
he regarded that fact as a mere detail that could be dealt with later. Slipping under the cover that shielded her from the cool night air, he curled around her, intending to share in the comfort that came from close contact with one you care about. He stroked a lazy hand down her arm until he reached her finger tips and twined his clawed fingers through her own blunt tipped ones.
He didn't want to think about the lashing he was going to get when she woke up. He winced, knowing he deserved it, but warily pushed the subject aside to be dealt with later. She was going to be spitting mad when she emerged from her healing sleep and he had to think about ways to placate her before she turned form him completely. With that in mind, Youko felt his stomach flip-flop with unease and he scooted even closer to Kagome's warmth.
Just the thought that he may have lost her due to his own stupidity was enough to send him spiraling down into a depression. He puller her as close to him as he could, until she was plastered against his side so tightly that there was little chance that he would miss the signs of her waking. For once, there was no lustful turn to his thoughts. He felt love and hurt, fear and peace, sorrow and determination. He was confused by his inability to focus, but at the same time, he couldn't seem to do more then accept what was happening and enjoy the proximity that he had with his love while it lasted.
So, what now? He heard the human question.
We wait.
....and?
Wait.
Kurama would have pitied the fox for all the chaotic emotions running rampant through his mind, if he wasn't sharing in them already. Shuuichi's rather calm manners were also abandoned in light of the threat of losing Kagome. This left Kurama torn between comforting himself and blaming himself for the whole situation. To make matters worse, the more the two sides of himself agreed on things, the more he felt himself strengthening the bonds that was creating the person he was becoming. And Kagome was something that the two were completely in accord to. When it came to her, their feelings were identical and Kurama could feel himself growing closer to both as the process of combining their souls was sped up. This left him feeling stronger and more whole, but also forced him to face the issues that multiple personalities was going to bring into his already chaotic life. The swirl of emotions and thoughts left him unable to think clearly and now was the time that he most desperately needed to focus and find a solution that would save the relationship that he hoped to share with the woman he had come to love.
Kurama was also facing his disgust at his own situation. The fact that he was forced into the background was truly beginning to grate on his nerves. He was used to being the one that was out in the open...the one that responded to the world. He was the one that had, up until recent events, been the one to hold Kagome. He recognized the need to exploit what strengths he had to rescue and ensure the safety of his future mate, but this was a position that he was unfamiliar with. Especially for extended lengths of time. Youko was refusing to allow him to come back to the surface and it was beginning to wear at the other souls restlessly inhabiting this body. His only hope at regaining his former position in the forefront, was that Youko could only hold this youkai form for so long before he would tire. He was after all, mostly a homeless spirit that had learned to manipulate some of his youki to change his body into a replica of what he had been in life. The body was youkai only as long as Youko had the energy to sustain it.
Youko was stronger when it came to fighting and using his Youki, but when it came to understanding others, the fox was proving to be socially inept. Sure he could charm the pants off of just about anything and had done so on several occasions, but now, when the well-being of another really mattered, the fox was managing to do something he had never done before. He was doing and saying everything wrong and preforming some sort of torturous suicide because he was not thinking objectively. The wit and intelligence that he was famous for when he pulled off job after flawless job was sadly missing.
I can still hear your thoughts, you know. Youko frowned in the silence.
Your point being what? Kurama sighed. You know I'm right. Nothing I have thought is new to you.
You don't have to act so superior. You are me. Remember?
I am the best of you-
And me. Shuuichi reminded the arrogant youkai and the combined Kurama.
Both of you, Kurama corrected, and I seem to recall that I was not the first to bring up your inept handling of this situation. You were.
Youko's angry swell of indignation was cut short by a tiny movement against his side. All three parts of him immediately shifted focus to the pale miko sleeping in his arms. She was beginning to wake...
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Botan enjoyed the expression on Yusuke and Koenma's face and congratulated herself on her unintentional stealth. "So what's going on?"
"Kami-sama, Boton! Don't DO that!" Koenma dramatically clutched at his chest and tried to steady his breathing. Yusuke just glared at her.
She ignored both of them and tucked her hands into the vast expanses of her pale pink sleeves.
"You found Kagome?"
"No..." she fidgeted. "Kurama did. Or actually Youko, if you want to be technical."
"How was she? What condition was she in? Did Youko tear that hanyou Naraku apart?" Koenma was bouncing up and down childishly in his seat.
"I don't know." Botan admitted. "I never got to see her..."
The bouncing stopped and a long silence took the place of the protesting squeaks of the abused chair.
"You don't know." Koenma repeated.
"So how are you so certain she's okay?" Yusuke queried softly.
"Well, Youko ran off and left us when we were still searching for her with the compass. After a few days of bad runs, he got fed up with us and decided that he had a better way to search." she hastily explained.
"You let that fox run through the feudal ages of Japan with out anyone keeping an eye on him?"
"Did you really expect me to be able to stop him?" Botan raised her eyebrows at her boss.
"No. I suppose not." Koenma sighed. "So what did happen?"
"Well, this morning, the compass went crazy and I knew that only Kagome could have that much power to disrupt the signal that much. Youko must have found her and brought her back from where ever she had been. He hasn't contacted us yet, so he must be somewhere taking care of her."
"I hope you are right."
"Me too." Botan nodded sympathetically. "But Kurama won't let any harm come to her. And he knows how to heal her if she were injured." she assured the Spirit Ruler.
"What now?" Yusuke threw his hands into the air and continued to glare at the others.
"I have to go back, I guess," Botan brightly announced.
Koenma nodded and chewed on the end of his ever present pacifier. He calmly regarded Yusuke and tilted his head to the side. "I want you to go and get some sleep. If Botan is right, they will be back soon and it will be time for all of you to pull your team together to hunt that last shard in the Reikai."
Yusuke took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "A shard hunt, huh?" he contemplated. From what he remembered of Kagome's memories, that should at least be eventful. He nodded in agreement while absently grinning foolishly at the prospect of a good fight. "Alright," he nodded. "But I get to be leader."
Koenma rolled his eyes and ignored that in favor of commanding Botan around. "Take Yusuke home, will you?"
She shrugged her agreement and opened a portal. She was going to have to stop at Genkai's temple anyway to see Yukina so she wasn't bothered by Koenma's directions. Yusuke followed her though and waved once in her direction in his distinctive way of saying "thank you" without actually saying it. She shook her head and stepped backward until the tingle of her body told her that she was once again firmly inside the portal before she closed it around herself. She still had several stops to make...
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Kagome pried open her eyes and gave the white blob in her face a blurry glance and frown. She was tired, but she was feeling so much better then before that the slight shifting in the bed was enough to disturb her sleep.
Youko held his breath in both anticipation and dread. This moment was one that had all the power to make or destroy him. What she felt for him now was uncertain, and he trembled against her as she slowly regained her senses and focused on his concerned face.
She stared at him with a calm that bordered on disinterest. It was a look that he had not expected at all and it threw him into a panic. He had prepared himself for anger or for forgiveness, for a fight or for a reunion. This unexpected unconcern was threatening and he was ill prepared to handle it.
Shuuichi! The fox yelled at his human counterpart desperately. What is she thinking?! What is this reaction?! The human's silence only served to heighten the spirit fox's feeling of unease.
Kagome's inner turmoil was actually a riotous collection of mixed emotions that consumed her the moment she remembered what last sent her spiraling into the now familiar realm of the unconscious. In truth, it was her inability to choose one emotion that was causing her seemingly expressionless and uncaring facade. Instead of injuring herself by trying to instantaneously unravel the tangle of emotion, she allowed them all to wash over her until the strongest feeling would sort itself from the knot and allow her to react honestly to this development in her already complicated life.
Youko stared wide eyed, but said nothing. He was too high strung to trust himself to speak. When she continued to remain silent, without pulling away from his side, he wondered at the continued silence of his partners in crime. He wasn't sure if he could face her abandonment with out them to support him when his heart was smashed into dust. Shuuichi! Youko pleaded silently.
Don't worry, Kurama's quiet voice rolled through his mind. We will face this together...
Together...Shuuichi echoed reassuringly.
Youko returned to the present feeling calmer, but no better. When he looked into her pale face, he saw that stoic emptiness fading from her beautiful features. Youko finally found his voice, wanting to plead with her before she crushed him with her almost inevitable goodbye. "Kagome," he said hoarsely and winced at the sound of his own voice.
Kagome blinked at the sudden noise as it pulled her from the swirling abyss that was threatening her equilibrium. She had never been one to cover what she felt with lies or deceptions. Everything she felt was usually exposed for any and all to see. Her natural penchant for truthfulness was returning full force now that he had given her something to work with...her name. Her name on his lips...it was clearly a plea.
She never could stand to see another suffering without attempting to sooth the hurt, but Kagome was at a loss as to why this beautiful silver fox would feel so. Surely she was the one wronged here. She was the one that had been lied to. She was the one that had been led on to believe in a lie...
Youko quickly latched on to the most obvious feeling displayed on his loves face. "I know you are angry with me," he began. "But, Kagome-" Youko had to pause to search her face for any hint that she may have some love left for him in her. "Kagome..." he stopped to stare into her flashing silver blue eyes as she turned her face away from him.
Kagome turned her face away from the searching look Youko...or Kurama...was giving her. His uncertainty was wrecking havoc with her heart. It's irregular beat was plaguing her tiny pulses of pain and love that mingled sweetly in her already jumbled mind. She couldn't focus when his golden eyes were staring into her own with a mixture of such hope and despair. She chocked down a sob and clenched her jaw to keep from crying out loud.
Youko trailed a claw down her cheek and turned her face back to him. "Kagome," he whispered, but once again, he couldn't seem to get past her name. He saw her lips tremble and he wanted nothing more then to comfort her. He knew she was angry and he did not blame her for it...but he hoped that he had not killed what love she had felt for him with his deception. He hated himself for bring this on her.
The hurt in his voice was her undoing. Kagome sobbed once brokenly and faced the facts. If she had been led on to believe a lie, she was the one to blame. She had been the one to lead herself down this path with her own assumptions about how strongly Kurama felt for her. She had only assumed that he had felt the same as her. The all encompassing feeling that had once flowed through her in the form of love and happiness was now a bitter spill of regret and self-loathing. She had done this to herself and now, her obvious inability to cope with the disappointment was hurting him too.
Youko saw the regret and the pain in her eyes and paled. He was right...he had lost her. Youko, you were a fool...he said to himself.
We were fools...this was not just you, Youko. Do not shoulder the blame alone for what we all did.
The hurt in her eyes was something he felt his own heart lurch in response to. He took a deep breath and traced her features with care as if he were trying to memorize her before he had to let her go. "Kagome," he whispered, "I'm sorry..."
It was inadequate. It was useless. It had to be said. Youko watched as a bitter smile tugged her lips up in a smile that had no joy.
"Do not give me apologies...Kurama. Youko...what ever." A bark of cheerless laughter escaped her pale lips.
He jerked back at the hash sound and opened his mouth to say something, anything that might fix the damage done to her. He would give anything to allow her to remain the creature of joy and happiness that he had fallen so hard for. Instead he was responsible for the sorrowful woman that was echoing his pain in her laughter, where it had no business living.
She sobered remarkably quickly and smoothed the pained lines etched across Youko's handsome face.
He leaned into her touch and allowed his eyes to portray the regret he felt in the very depths of his combined soul. Hoping the strength of his feelings for her would be enough to reawaken what happiness she had once imparted on the world.
"No. Do not apologize to me," she whispered as she stared in to his eyes. "I do not deserve it."
Youko blinked in surprise and tried to understand what she meant.
Kagome closed her eyes and sank into her pain. "I am the one that needs to apologize..."
Youko opened his mouth several times to ask her what she meant but he couldn't seem to.
Kagome forged on ahead while her voice still worked and her tears were still held back. "I never should have assumed that you felt the same way I did. I never should have expected so much from someone that never said..." she gulped in a lung full of air that was seeming to become inadequate in her need for oxygen.
Youko beat back his surprise and grabbed her shoulders and forced her to look at him as he interrupted her. "Kagome, what are you saying? This is my fault. I should have told you. I should have told you a long time ago...Do you doubt what I feel for you?" he asked her softly.
Kagome opened her eyes to stare into his handsome face. She could see hints of Kurama in him, in his mannerisms, in the hint of green settling in the center of his eyes...
"Kagome, I love you." he said forcefully.
"Don't. You don't have to say that," she whispered.
"I WANT to say it. I should have said it before. I should have told you many things before this." Youko peered intently at her sad face.
"Then why?" she asked in confusion. "Why?"
"I was afraid that it would break us apart..." he answered softly.
"So I was right. You did doubt. That's why you never told me..."
"No! It wasn't you I doubted. It was myself. It was my own stupid insecurity..." Youko hissed in obvious shock at her belief that she was in the wrong.
"You doubted how I felt for you..." she insisted quietly. "And how strong your feelings for me were...If you didn't, you would never have considered that it would matter."
"What do you mean?" he asked her in confusion.
"If you knew that I loved you, it would not matter. This would not have mattered, not to either of us. If you really loved me, you would have trusted that bond of love between us, instead of falling prey to insecurity. You did not trust the love I have for you. You doubted how I felt. That is my fault..." A silent tear slid down her cheek to meet the pad of his thumb.
"Kagome," he whispered brokenly, his gold and green eyes focused intently on her. "I did doubt our love for each other, but only because I felt unworthy..." he took a deep breath and wrapped a strong arm around her shoulders until he had her hoisted into his lap. "How could I expect you to love someone who is more then one soul? I am three people now, Kagome. How could I even ask that of you? And yet, I found myself unable to let you go."
Kagome was briefly confused by the "three" but pushed it aside. "The same way I could not expect you to love someone without a whole soul..." she said in sudden understanding. "The same problem in reverse..."
Youko looked at her questioningly.
"Kikyo took a part of me...I will never have my whole soul again. How could I expect someone as wonderful as you to love a woman that was not complete?"
"It's actually quite easy..." Youko said gently. "Even missing that little piece, you are more then enough woman to love and bond myself to forever."
"But is there enough of me to satisfy all three of you?" she asked him in all seriousness. Then she chuckled. "That just sounded very wrong."
"Wrong?" he waggled his eyebrows at her playfully to lighten the mood. He was rewarded with a blushing smile, though it was still a far cry from her usual carefree grin.
"Youko?" she hesitated.
"Hm?"
"I DO love you, but..." she hurried on when she saw him frown and the sudden worry stole into his eyes. "I know Kurama is in there. I can feel him and I can sense him. But I need to SEE him too..."
Youko nodded in understanding and gathered her into a tight embrace. "It's okay, Kagome. Do not feel guilty. We are, after all, one and the same. Your love for him is the same as the love for me...I can believe that now. I can not feel jealous of myself....well, not so much anyway."
Kagome blushed slightly at his gentle understanding and returned the hug. Before he pulled away she felt a flash of magic and the tall demon in her grasp changed into Kurama. Change couldn't really describe the sensation, though. Like chocolate on your tongue, it was more like he melted into her arms.
She leaned back and just stared at him, drinking in his presence with all her senses. Kurama was essentially doing the same thing, but he also held a hunger in his eyes that took her breath.
"Say it again," he requested.
She blinked in momentary confusion before she smiled happily at him. "I love you."
Kurama closed his eyes and his tense muscles went lax in relief. "I thought I had lost you..." he admitted.
"Lost me?" she curled into his familiar arms and lightly kissed his fingers where they were captured in hers.
"To my own stupidity, to my insecurity, to Naraku..." he sighed.
She tensed in his hold at the mention of that demon hanyou and whimpered in distress.
"Shhh. I'll not let him ever reach you again. I'll keep you safe," he assured her.
"I didn't expect you to be the one to come for me..." she murmured into his neck. Her muffled voice gave him pause.
Kurama pulled back in concerned horror. "I came for you. I will always come for you. I would give my life to keep you safe. Do not doubt the strength of my love for you."
At the word "doubt" Kagome's eyes widened. "Oh Kurama. We are both fools...." she started crying against his chest and finally let loose all the turmoil in a rush of salty tears.
Kurama rocked her in his arms and buried his face in her dark hair. In the shadows of the room he succumbed to his own hopes and fears and shed a few suppressed tears of his own..
"I love you..." she hesitated on the words.
Kurama smiled into her hair. "I love you...WE love you."
She giggled and wept until she fell back into an exhausted state. Kurama held her long after her breathing evened out and the tears subsided. With a sigh, she cuddled into him as close as she could get.
"Kurama?" she questioned him drowsily.
"Yes, love?"
"Where are we?"
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Okay, guys. I decided not to post the last chapter at the last minute because it really doesn't fit with this section. It will work better in the next update, so I hope you enjoyed these three chapters and I hope to have another three or four up in a few weeks.
Thank you to all the reviewers and I hope to hear from you again.
Sylvannastar
